Hamilton Stark

Chapter 10. Graveside

THIS IS A PAINFUL CHAPTER for me to write. Before I’m through with it, I will have lost my best friend, will have sent him from my house into the snowy cold, leaving me behind, remorseful and, to counter remorse, desperate for justification. A dangerous state for a rationalist: it’s when he is most tempted to depart from reality and fly off into the soothing heavens of reason.

It began with the death of Alma Stark — not the actual fact of her dying, but later, in my describing it. It’s possible that it began earlier, of course, in Chapter Nine, where I told of Hamilton’s meeting and consequent marriage to Jenny, but I was not aware then of any irreconcilable differences between my and C.’s points of view. At that time, despite the differences between us, I was still able to use C.’s point of view to inform my own, as I had been doing all along. So that at the end of Chapter Nine, while I may have seemed disconsolate at having to lose Rochelle, I could still console myself with the continued presence of C. But all that was before I had told of the death of Alma Stark.

The death itself was not especially poignant or wrenching. It was expected. She had been ill for most of the previous winter and had fended off an attack of flu and then pneumonia, but clearly she was weakening and, in fact, had not been expected to survive the winter at all. She was eighty, still mentally alert, but no longer able to resist ordinary onslaughts against her body. The following November, she came down with a strep throat, and despite massive doses of antibiotics, she developed double pneumonia and had to be hospitalized in Concord, where, after struggling on for two more weeks, she died, quite peacefully in her sleep, of heart disease.

Though her last years obviously had been scarred by the wound Hamilton had inflicted on her when he had evicted her — a wound she could close only by refusing after that night ever to see her son again, refusing and regularly renewing that refusal, for the cut was deep and could be staunched only with difficulty — those last years, nevertheless, had been relatively comforting to her. She was able to convert her dependence on her daughters, Jody and Sarah, into something which caused her to suffer, and thus the integrity of her personality was sustained. Her daily round of activities included helping Jody with housework, cooking and cleaning up after the children (twin boys entering adolescence, people who, to her tongue-clucking satisfaction, seemed to regard her presence as they would a maid’s — or at least that’s how, sighing, wringing her hands and tweaking her throat, she would put it to her friends at the Ladies’ Aid Society, always adding, of course, “It must be hard for them, having an old lady suddenly come to live in a crowded little house with them”). After the first year, Chub had added a small bedroom to the trailer, off the back at the middle, like an awkwardly placed appendage, and she spent most of her evenings there, and while her daughter, son-in-law and their two children watched TV in the living room, she crocheted, wrote letters to the Barnstead boys in Vietnam, and read the Bible. It was a nice room, pine-paneled, with a single window that faced Chub’s gravel pit (a supplementary source of income for the family). She had her own bed, a dresser, a small desk under the window, and even a closet of her own, which she had filled with the rest of her possessions — her clothes, photograph albums, Christmas tree decorations, and the quilted spread that she had made the spring she married Hamilton’s father and that she had used on their bed for over forty years. But now she slept alone on a narrow, cotlike bed. It would look foolish, she remarked, if she used the quilt to cover this little bed. But she couldn’t bring herself to give it over to Chub and Jody, to lay it across their wide Hollywood bed in the master bedroom. She thought maybe she’d just leave it to them in her will. She’d leave the photograph albums to Sarah, who seemed more interested in them anyhow, perhaps because she was childless. At least that’s what she told the ladies at the Ladies’ Aid Society while they knitted, sewed, crocheted, and wove handy, warm articles for the Barnstead boys in Vietnam. As it turned out, however, she wrote no will; Sarah ended up with the quilt and Jody took the photographs and Christmas tree ornaments.

During these years, between Alma’s loss of her home and her death, no one in the family spoke to Hamilton or saw him socially. If one or several of them accidentally came up against the fact of his presence, at a bean supper or the Fourth of July Band Concert or in McAllister’s General Store, for instance, they ignored that fact and would not acknowledge its existence even to one another. One time Chub had backed his cruiser — his own station wagon, actually, outfitted at the town’s expense with a siren, blue glass bubble on top and two-way radio — into one of Hamilton’s cars, a year-old Cadillac, the car he’d driven to Rochelle’s graduation in Ausable Chasm, New York. Chub had driven up to Danis’s Superette without noticing Hamilton’s car and had parked next to it, both cars facing the store, and then, recognizing the dark brown Cadillac, he had realized that the owner doubtless was inside the grocery store and that they would unavoidably pass in the aisle, so he had immediately dropped his cruiser into reverse and had backed out quickly, clipping with his right front fender Hamilton’s finny taillight. While the glass was still tinkling to the ground, Hamilton had emerged from the store and had stared, expressionless, as Chub spun the wheel of the cruiser, tromped on the accelerator, and roared away.

No one spoke to Hamilton of the event that for all intents and purposes had severed him from his family, and naturally, he never brought up the subject himself — not necessarily because he was ashamed, however. It just was not his way to discuss his personal life, not even with people who happened to participate in his personal life, his wives, for instance. In fact, none of his wives learned of the split in the family from Hamilton himself, and there were three of them (wives) who came to live with him in the very house that had been as much the symbol of that split as cause. They found out from their friends and other associates in town, usually when someone, eager to obtain and circulate Hamilton’s point of view, would ask Jenny, the school nurse, or, later, Maureen or, still later, Dora, why on earth her new husband had kicked his mother out of her own house. Jenny, or Maureen or Dora, would demand to know what on earth the person was talking about, whereupon she would hear the generally accepted version of the story, so that the interviewee became interviewer, first of the friend or associate who happened to have made the query in the first place, then of Hamilton himself.

“Why on earth did you kick your mother out of her own house?” she would ask him finally.

His answer always went something like this: “A, it wasn’t her house. B, it was my house. And C, I didn’t kick her out against her will.” And that’s all he would offer as explanation or description of what had happened that night. If his wife of the moment persisted with questions, he would simply announce that his mother was the only person to whom he would explain or describe what had happened, but only if she first indicated to him that she neither understood nor remembered what had happened. “And so far,” he would say, “she’s given no such indication of stupidity or lapse of memory.” At which point it was clear that the interview had ended. Hamilton would go back to reading the paper or weeding the garden or repairing the toaster, and his wife would promise herself that she would inquire further into the matter, to be sure, but she would ask other people than her husband.

His first wife, of course, never heard as much as a rumor about the event, but his second wife, Annie, “the actress,” who had been visiting her aunt in the Bronx at the time, had been forced to rely on the town’s version of the story as much as any of the wives who came later. When she came back from the Bronx and her mother-in-law was no longer living with them in what Annie had regarded as her mother-in-law’s home, Hamilton had refused to tell her any more than he later told Jenny or Maureen or Dora: “A, it’s not her house. B, it’s my house. And C, I didn’t kick her out against her will.” This, to Annie’s bewildered, “Where’s your mother? Where are her clothes? Her things?” Though she never actually judged him for what had happened (she always said, “Whatever it was that actually did happen that night”), it nevertheless was one of the things that she cited later when she chose to list her reasons for eventually becoming so frightened of him that she left and divorced him.

His third wife, Jenny, however, left and divorced him for no other reason than his supposed treatment, his mistreatment, of his mother and his refusal to confirm or deny the local description of that mistreatment (there was no local explanation for it, of course). It was assumed by the townspeople that because Jenny was middle-aged, childless, and, it was discovered, an orphan, she had married Hamilton with the hope of obtaining thereby a ready-made family. When it appeared that he was as orphaned and childless as she, and thus could not deliver what she desired from him, she had swiftly returned to her previous way of life as the school nurse and, later on, as athletic director of the girls’ sports program. Some people thought that Jenny may have been a lesbian and that her marriage to Hamilton had been a last, vain attempt to kindle and warm herself with a “normal” sexual relationship, but to believe that, they would have been compelled to attribute “normal” sexual proclivities and needs to Hamilton, which by then no one was willing to grant him. Not that anyone suspected he was homosexual. Rather, no one could imagine his being tender. People could easily understand why women were initially attracted to him—“After all,” they said, spreading their hands and lifting their eyebrows, “he is good-looking, in a largish way, and he makes a decent living, and he has a nice house, now. And he is a beautiful dancer. He’s a smooth talker, too, when he wants to be. So if you’d just met him, and if he wasn’t drinking too much, not drunk, I mean, well, who knows, there’s lots of women who might think he’d be a good catch. At least at first.” And indeed, five women in Hamilton’s lifetime so far had thought so and, as a result, had pitched themselves into his lap. And he had married them for it. As he put it when, after each divorce, he was asked why he had married the woman in the first place, especially as with each consecutive wife the courtship and marriage became more and more abbreviated: “Hey, what’s a man to do? When a woman tells you she loves you, you can’t tell her not to. And if you don’t particularly dislike the woman, there’s no point in telling her you dislike her. No woman wants to hear a lie like that, even when it’s true. And frankly, I never met a woman I disliked.” In recent years, however, he would add, “Course, I never met one I liked, either. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have gotten married so many times, heh, heh, heh.”

His fourth wife, Maureen Blade, only eighteen when she married him, probably was too young to be able to evaluate her new and much older husband’s past behavior, or even his present behavior, for that matter. That’s both the advantage and disadvantage, for the elder, of choosing a mate who is still not much more than a child: she has not yet been exposed to enough adult behavior to recognize when it is abnormal. The whole idea of “normality” depends on the availability of a fairly large sampling, which would necessarily be unavailable to an eighteen-year-old girl, no matter how precocious. And Maureen was not thought to be especially precocious. By the time she had been Mrs. Hamilton Stark for six months, however, she had aged considerably, if not matured as well, and the whole question of precocity was no longer relevant. After her divorce from Hamilton, she resumed the use of her maiden name, Blade, but to no avail. No one could think of her as a maiden anymore. She was a young divorcée, a woman with a complicated past.

But Maureen was the only one of Hamilton’s five wives who already knew the story of his break with his mother when she married him. A psychiatrist might suggest that, in marrying him, she was working out, through identification with his well-known acts against his parent, her own desires to behave similarly toward her parent, a drunken lout, Arthur Blade, a chronically unemployed lout who had mistreated his eldest daughter for years, beating her and, it was rumored, even making sexual advances against her. One might, if one were that same psychiatrist, also suggest that in marrying Hamilton she was seeking a replacement for her father, for, not more than a month before the marriage, Arthur Blade had been committed to the New Hampshire State Hospital in Concord, where his extreme alcoholism could be treated, at least temporarily.

In any case, Hamilton refused to act the father for her, no more the kind father than the cruel; he treated her the way he treated any other adolescent, tolerating her enthralled presence, exchanging goods for services and vice versa, and whenever she asked for something more, some direct expression of his personal affection, say, he responded by demanding more of her first, such as more room in which to move without having to explain or justify his moves. “If you think you can make a man report back to you who he is, where he goes and where he cannot go, and that by doing so he will be acting out of love for you, you’re dead wrong. A man will do these things for you only if he is afraid of losing you. And fear of losing a woman and loving her are not the same thing. Actually, they may be opposites,” he told her, and immediately Maureen fell into confusion and despair, a state he encouraged and she endured for six months, until she at last realized that she would be rid of her confusion and despair only when she had got rid of her husband. She knew that she would then, as a direct result, have many other unpleasant thoughts and feelings to live with — such as what it meant to be an eighteen-year-old ex-wife in a small New Hampshire town — but she no longer cared. Besides, she could always say that he had treated her no better than he had treated his own mother. Then everyone would understand her leaving him, especially those people who had not been able to understand why she had married him in the first place.

So she told him that she wanted a divorce. He said, “Fine with me, if that’s what you want.” He would not contest it, as he had not contested any of his divorces (“I never contested the marriage, did I? Why should I contest the divorce?”), as long as there were no demands for alimony and no demanding property settlement. She could take whatever she wanted of what she had brought with her. Anything else she wanted he would sell to her at one-half the market value. So she packed her clothes in her battered suitcase and went back to live in her father’s house, to care for her five younger brothers and sisters until her father was released from the state hospital, at which time she hoped to move down to Manchester or some other city, maybe Boston, where she could find a job in a factory and get an apartment of her own and maybe buy a red car.

His fifth wife, Dora, on the other hand, until Alma’s actual funeral, knew nothing of her husband’s break with his family. Naturally, she knew about his other wives and his daughter Rochelle, for he made no secret of their existence. (Oddly, for such a talked-about man, he made no secret of anything; there was no question he would not answer; it’s just that very few people knew what to make of his answers or how to avoid having their next question manipulated by the answer to the preceding one.) She had asked, as did all but his first wife, if he had ever been married before, and he had answered, “Of course.” She asked him how many times. “Four.” So many! Were there any children? she wondered. “Yes.” And how many children? “One.” Hamilton never offered information gratuitously, so if you didn’t know ahead of time precisely what your question was, and then asked it, it was likely that he would never provide the answer. For instance, in the above interrogation, what Dora really wanted to know was, “Who, if anyone, do you love more than you love me?” To that question, he probably would have simply said, “No one.” Whether or not she felt comforted by his answer would depend on whether or not she had been able to assume that he loved her in the first place. Dora, however, believed that when a person told her he loved no one more than he loved her, he had already answered the question of whether or not he loved her in the first place. Thus it was not till later, after Alma’s funeral, that it even occurred to Dora to ask her husband if he loved her at all. “I can’t tell you I love you,” was his answer. Her next question, even though they had been married for no longer than a few months was, “Would you give me a divorce if I asked for it?” And, once again, he said, “Fine with me, if that’s what you want.” And by then, indeed, it was what she wanted. She had seen enough, heard enough, by then. The form of the interrogation, more than its content, and Hamilton’s strict and what seemed to some his almost fanatically pure adherence to the form had trapped her. As she would later say, “He didn’t exactly tell me to leave, but it was obvious to me that I had no choice.”

When she first met Hamilton, Dora knew nothing of the stories about him that had circulated for years in and around Barnstead, mainly because, until she married him, she had never been to Barnstead. She had been living in Concord at the time, in a small and rather drab apartment. And since her divorce six months earlier from her first husband, Harry Franklin, a man she had loved deeply and loyally for twenty-three years, she had lived there alone, extremely depressed, quietly trying to heal the deep, suddenly inflicted wounds that had precipitated the divorce. What had inflicted the wounds was her accidental discovery that her husband Harry Franklin had been a lifelong philanderer, and she alone, of all the people who had known him these many years, she alone had been unaware of this aspect of his character. In fact, to her embarrassment, she had thought of him as sexually cold, almost unresponsive, not just to her but to all women. She had even developed a kind of condescending, maternal affection for his nature, often referring to him as a cold fish, a stodgy haberdasher on whom, she felt, all sexual innuendoes and provocations were lost. And when finally his true nature came out (broadcast hysterically by one of his girl friends, who, not as trusting as Dora, had trailed him and had discovered that he was betraying her, too), she had felt as if he had yanked her legs out from under her. And when, through some perverse determination to “clear his conscience once and for all,” Harry had revealed to his poor wife the names of all the many women he had slept with over the years, continuing for weeks to remember and then to confess yet another old and all-but-forgotten liaison, when his confessions were finally over, Dora felt as if her life had been cut to pieces, the pieces cast into the sea, like so much garbage, to float there, swelling in the sun, picked at by gulls above and nibbled by passing fish below. It was in such a state, then, deeply depressed, beaten — a woman so deceived that any further deception would be meaningless, for there was now nothing left to “protect” her from — in such a state, one night after work, she had stopped for a drink alone in a cocktail lounge next to the typesetting shop where she was a compositor, and she had met Hamilton Stark.

They were seated at the leather-covered bar in the artificial gloom; he was a little drunk, and soon so was she. Perhaps she was attempting to put a little cynicism into her life, to see if it could lift her spirits a bit, even if only briefly, and when he had idly mentioned his displeasure with the place, what he called its “ad-man décor,” she had just as idly suggested that they adjourn to her apartment for the evening, where, she said, the décor was “early Woolworth’s.” He had asked her if she had a television set; she had said yes, a color set, and he had been delighted. There was a Frank Sinatra special on that night that he wanted to see. “Ol’ blue eyes,” he had called him. “You know that song he sings, ‘I Did It My Way’?” he asked her. She thought she knew the song. “Well, that’s me,” he said.

She married him within a week. The reasons were obvious to everyone who knew her. “She’s marrying the pipefitter because of what it’ll do to Harry,” they said. It was presumed that she did it so Harry Franklin would regard her new marriage as the act of a broken, possibly deranged woman, and therefore, people reasoned, he would feel guilty. “As well he should,” they clucked. It was, of course, no less possible that her marrying Hamilton after knowing him over drinks and color TV for only a week was the act of a broken, possibly deranged woman, in fact, and that how Harry the haberdasher might feel about it had never once occurred to her. But no one thought of that possibility. People tend to see ulterior motives everywhere these days, even in grief and woeful distraction.

They were married by a justice of the peace, a man who ran a large dairy farm and ice cream stand in Northwood, and a few days later, Hamilton’s mother died. Dora had barely unpacked her clothes and color TV. The kitchen set and bedroom suite they had purchased together, as a cynical nod to the forms of sentiment, had been delivered that afternoon, and she had just finished tucking in the linen, placing her combs, brushes, make-up and jewelry neatly on the dresser, moving first one article, then removing them all and starting over again, trying to make these dozen articles look as if they had been on top of that dresser for twenty-three years, when the phone rang. It was the first time it had rung in the three days since she had moved in, and she rushed out to the kitchen to answer it.

It was Sarah, Hamilton’s sister, she knew, even though they had never met, calling to inform her that her new mother-in-law, after a lengthy illness, had died in her sleep the night before. Funeral services would be held at the First Congregational Church in Barnstead at 1:00 P.M. on Saturday, December 1, two days later. Dora started to respond to this news and the, to her, peculiar way in which her new sister-in-law had conveyed it, but before she could utter a word, even a stammer of sympathy, Sarah had hung up.

That evening, when Hamilton came home from work (he was then the foreman for the plumbing, heating and air-conditioning systems on the new Tampax factory being built in the southwestern part of the state and was driving forty miles each way to work every day), she told him, word for word and in the same tone of voice, what Sarah had told her. She prefaced her bulletin, naturally, by telling him that his sister had called him that afternoon with some “shocking” news.

“Oh? Which sister?”

“Sarah.”

“What was the news?”

She told him.

“Anything else?”

“No, nothing else. Just ‘click,’” Dora said, miming the act of hanging up a telephone receiver.

“‘Click,’ eh?”

“Yes. ‘Click.’”

Hamilton sat down slowly at the kitchen table in the chair that faced the window. It was where his father had always sat. At breakfast he could see Blue Job as it caught the day’s first light, and in the late afternoon he could watch it lose light and slowly turn gray until finally it loomed darker than the sky that surrounded it.

He asked her to tell him when the funeral was to be held, and she repeated Sarah’s message. It was a message, she assumed, even though it had come in the form of an obituary notice. She wanted to ask him about Sarah, about his other sister, Jody, and about his mother, too, but she did not dare, not now. Until this moment, she had not once wondered about these people; she had been too preoccupied with how her marriage to Hamilton fit or did not fit into her own private, truncated past. And now that she wanted to know about his past, if for no other reason than to be better able to comfort him at such a bad time, she was afraid to — for he had begun to growl, low in his chest and throat, like a large and vicious animal. He sat there, looking dead-eyed out the window at the gathered darkness, his hands fisted heavily on the tabletop, and growled.

Very slowly, one silent step at a time, she backed away from him, and then left the room altogether. In seconds she had left the house and was outside in the front yard, standing next to the car, a green Chrysler airport limousine he had recently purchased, wondering if she should flee down the road in his car, which so far he had not allowed her to drive, or return to the house and try to comfort him. She had never heard anyone growl aloud like that, and she had never seen a person’s eyes go dead before, and she was terrified. Harry Franklin, when his mother had died, had cried like a baby, she remembered with sudden affection. And she had held him in her arms and crooned soothingly to him while for hours he had catalogued his childhood memories of the woman. What could this woman have done to Hamilton to have evoked such an enraged response? Clearly, it was rage — those eyes, that growl, the enormous fists on the smooth Formica-topped table — but rage at whom? Somehow it did not seem directed at his mother. No, the rage belonged elsewhere, and that was why Dora was so frightened that, rather than try to comfort him, she had fled from him, had tiptoed out to stand coatless by the car in the cold November twilight and wonder if she should flee still farther from him.

Suddenly he was there, standing at the door, his bulk filling the doorframe, his face burning darkly across the yard at her. He slowly reached one hand out and pointed a finger at her, as if it were the barrel of a gun. “Where the hell are you going?” he demanded in a low voice.

“I … well, I don’t know. I thought… I thought you wanted to be alone.” She started to wring her hands. The ground that lay between them, freshly frozen but already as bleak as tundra, seemed to undulate in slow waves, and she knew she was weeping. From across the field a wind chipped at her back, and she began to shiver from the cold.

“Get in here,” he ordered. “One woman already left me today. Don’t make it two.” He turned slowly around and disappeared into the darkness of the living room, leaving the door wide open for her.

She hesitated a second, then, still wringing her hands and shivering from the cold, quickly walked across the dead yard and followed him into the house.

He did not speak to her again that evening, nor did she attempt to engage him in conversation of any kind. As swiftly and unobtrusively as possible, she prepared their meal, a frozen sirloin that she broiled, frozen french fries and peas (his favorite meal, he had told her one evening the week before at her apartment in Concord when, quite by accident, she had presented him with the very same fare). And after they had eaten in silence, she had quickly cleared the table, washed the dishes, and had gone into their bedroom, which had once been his parents’ bedroom, adjacent to the kitchen. Off that room was the cold, unused front parlor, empty of furniture, curtainless, with a fireplace that he had blocked up years before. A few days earlier she had looked on this house as having what she called “marvelous potential,” and she had imagined redecorating it, starting with that old, tomblike parlor, which, because of fair days it filled to brimming with morning sunlight, she had thought would make an attractive master bedroom, then converting his parents’ old bedroom into a large and luxurious bath and dressing room. The upstairs, where there were two bedrooms and a connecting bath, she planned to use for guests. Her mother could come from Chicago and visit them, and her sister in Pittsburgh could come, and her father and his second wife, and her friend Gladys from Massachusetts could drive up during her vacation next summer. She had imagined new curtains, new carpeting, fresh paint. The house was squarely built, meticulously maintained and spacious, and it coaxed out all her most hospitable fantasies and plans, even though for the last six months she had been a woman who had felt that all her life’s plans had been for another, a previous life.

But that night, as she sat on the edge of the double bed that she and her new husband had purchased a few days before, she looked around her, and all she saw was hopelessness and dark retreat. It was not the kind of hopelessness that was characterized by disorder or sloth, but the kind that makes itself known first by the ruthless paring down of the elements of a life to its essential, molecular units, then by a compulsive ordering of those units, a deliberate placement of remnants in self-referring relations that were abstract, geometric, intellectually pure, controlled. The house and its contents seemed suddenly, hopelessly, cold to her, like an arctic wind, and she began to think with fond nostalgia of her small, crowded apartment in Concord, its warm disarray and thoughtless clutter. (She did not dare to think of the house she had lived in before that, the house she had shared for twenty-three years with Harry Franklin.) She snapped off the light next to the bed, got slowly undressed in the dark, and slipped into the bed. She began to think that she had made a terrible mistake. It might not be too late. Harry was a good man, though flawed, cruelly flawed … and he had cried when she left him, cried like a baby…

Hamilton did not come to bed that night. Or at least not to their bed. Possibly he had slept in one of the upstairs rooms and had made the bed when he got up, but when she came into the kitchen at six-thirty, the ceiling light above the table was burning and his coffee cup and breakfast dishes, as usual, were soaking in the sink, and his car, as usual, was gone.

She heard the furnace kick over and start its low hum, and she checked the thermometer posted outside the kitchen window. Fourteen above zero. She hoped it wouldn’t snow for the funeral. Oh, God — the funeral. What should she do about the funeral? As the gray cold day wore on, she worried more and more fixedly about it. How was she supposed to act? What was expected of her? She could not understand how such a thing could have become problematic, but it had. She was surprised that she actually did not know what was the proper and appropriate thing to do. Funerals and weddings and birthdays — these were events in a life that were such integrated parts of its overall texture that one almost never questioned what was expected of one as a participant in those events. One simply knew. They were rituals of the culture, and she was one of the people who lived inside and sustained that culture. Why, then, was she so unsure of herself, so incapable of deciding what was expected of her by her husband, her sisters-in-law, the townspeople they lived among? She felt as if she had accidentally wandered into an alien land, where the rituals were obscure and exotic, where a wrong guess could be disastrous for her because outrageous to everyone else.

Around four in that afternoon, as it grew dark and the temperature began to fall again, she called the only florist in Barnstead, Herb Cotton, and ordered a large arrangement of white chrysanthemums to be sent to the church the next day in time for the funeral. She knew that she should have sent the flowers to the funeral home, but Sarah hadn’t said anything about which funeral home her mother’s body was lying in or whether there was to be a service there, and she didn’t dare call Sarah now and ask her.

“What should the card say?” the florist, presumably Herb Cotton, asked in a high, thin voice.

“What?”

“The card. What should we put on the card?”

“Oh… Well, I suppose … the usual, I guess.”

“The usual?”

“Yes … you know, ‘From Mr. and Mrs. Hamilton Stark,’” she said with hope in her voice.

“This Mrs. Stark speaking?”

“Yes.”

“I see.” He paused. “Ham’s wife, eh?”

“Yes.”

“Yep. Wal, don’t you an’ ol’ Ham worry yourself. We’ll get

these over to the Heywoods’ Funeral Home tonight. They’ll still look good at the church tomorrow.”

“Oh… Well, thank you.”

“Good woman, y’know. That Alma Stark. That’s Ham’s mother, y’know.”

“Yes, I know. I… I never knew her.”

“Yep. Bye, now,” he said sharply.

“Good-bye,” she said, and she hung up the phone.

That evening, Hamilton arrived home three hours later than usual, only slightly drunk, but dark and glowering and filled with smoldering silence. She bobbed around him, gave him food, and stayed in the bedroom for the remainder of the evening, listening to him as he tramped heavily in and out of the house from the barn. Every now and then she could hear sounds that told her he was sorting out the tools, equipment, materials—“a place for everything and a thing for every place.” One minute she imagined him doing something that was wholly intentional, deliberate, no matter how bizarre-seeming. She imagined him, for instance, building a coffin for his mother, a hearse from his car, a graveside marker. But a minute later she could only imagine him doing something that was determined wholly by forces outside his conscious will, compulsive acts, no matter how ordinary or normal-seeming — and she imagined him sorting out jars of nuts and bolts, inventorying pipe and fittings, stacking kindling endlessly.

That night she slept alone again, and again she didn’t know where her new husband slept if he had slept at all, for when at seven-thirty she went out to the kitchen, even though it was Saturday and not a workday, once again the light was burning and his breakfast dishes were in the sink and his car was gone. Around nine he returned, with the newspaper and the week’s groceries, ale, and Canadian Club. He had begun his regular weekend routine. Dora, of course, did not know this yet, but by eleven, when she had watched him several times perform some menial or trivial task in the yard or house and then pull a pen and small black notebook from his shirt pocket and make a mark in the book, she realized that he was indeed performing a weekly ritual. That’s when it occurred to her that the man had no intention of attending his mother’s funeral. She could not say with confidence, however, that it was his intention, actually, not to go, for she also believed that he was unable to go, that forces beyond and stronger than any of his intentions were keeping him at home on this day, notebook and pen in hand, checking off his chores, one by one, as he did them.

She decided it was safe to tell him, simply and straightforwardly, that she would be going to the funeral. Whatever ritual he was going through, she knew that it did not include her, at present, in any way, and that she was free to attend the funeral or not. So, as he strolled whistling through the door with an armload of split wood for the kitchen woodbox, his face red and dry from the cold, she told him that she wanted to go to the funeral but had no way to get there.

“I’ll get you there,” he said cheerfully, clattering the wood into the box next to the large black stove. “What time’s the service?”

“One.”

“Well, you’d better hurry. I’ll drop you off on my way to Pittsfield,” he said, as if he were agreeing to drop her off at the library. “I forgot to stop at Maxfield’s this morning for some eightpenny nails and friction tape. By the time I get back from Maxfield’s, you ought to be ready for a ride home, so wait outside the church and I’ll pick you up as I come by,” he instructed her, and then he made another mark in his notebook and walked out to the barn.

Grateful, though somewhat perplexed, she quickly put on a dark gray, simply cut wool dress, hat and coat. By then it was a quarter to one, so she went out to the barn and presented herself. “I’m ready,” she announced.

When she came in, he had been filing the points on a circular saw blade, and when he saw her, he quickly put down his file and the blade, strode from the barn, got into his Chrysler, and started the motor. She slipped in next to him and tried to draw herself back and down into the seat. Somehow she felt he was doing a great favor for her, and in spite of his apparent cheerfulness and easy manner, she believed that the less space she took up the better.

They rode in silence for the mile and a half along the road to town, past the bleak, leafless maples and elms and clustering pines and spruce at the edge of the fields. The day was clouded over again, and everything was cast in shades of gray and tan — the dead grasses, the brush and weeds, the bony branches of the trees, even the houses and barns, trailers and cabins, that huddled in shabby groups alongside the road.

The First Congregational Church, located at the center of the village and facing the Parade, a square patch of open ground, was shaped like a long barn with a bell tower at one end. Though it was painted white, in the chill light it looked cement-gray and somber, more like a mausoleum than a barn or church. A dozen or so cars and pickup trucks, and a single black hearse, were parked on the road outside the church, and Hamilton had to pull out into the middle of the road to get past. But as he started to slow and stop at the end of the line of cars, a short, stout woman, then a tall, gaunt woman, followed by a thick man and two brittle-looking teen-aged boys, got out of a station wagon with a blue light on top. Hamilton drew in just beyond the car and came to a stop.

“That group getting out of the cruiser?” he asked her. “That’s Sarah, the short one. Jody and Chub Blount are the others, and their boys, Alfred and Alvin. Twins. If you want to go to the graveyard for the burial, ride out with Sarah and her husband, Mooney. Sam Mooney. He’s probably inside the church, getting set to ring the bell. He’s a deacon.”

“Is it all right?” She had opened her door and had one foot on the ground.

“All right? Well, I guess you’ll have to ask them. Sarah and Mooney. They’re the ones to tell you if it’s all right. Not me.”

She decided to risk it. She had got out of the car completely and was peering in at him through the open door. “Hamilton, I’m sorry, but please, tell me why you aren’t going to the funeral.”

He gripped the steering wheel with both hands. “Go,” he said stiffly, not looking at her. “Go on. You haven’t imagined being dead, so you go on. It’ll help you keep from imagining it a while longer.” He paused a second and pursed his lips as if he were about to whistle, then went on. “To me, not imagining being dead is like believing in Santa Claus, you ought to do it as long as you can. So go ahead, you deserve it,” he said, suddenly smiling into her puzzled face. “We all do.”

So she did go, as he instructed, first to the funeral service, which was appropriately somber and brief, and, after the ceremony, she left her seat at the back and paraded with the others past the coffin and looked down, once, at the embalmed, parchmentlike face of the old woman, and then filed out of the church, where she joined the rest of the people at the roadside and where she introduced herself to the stout woman Hamilton had pointed out and who had by then been joined by her husband, also stout and as short as his wife.

When Dora asked if she could ride with them to the cemetery, it was the man, Mooney, who smiled and said, “Of course,” and when they had driven the three miles out of town to the cemetery on the hillside overlooking the frozen, lead-gray Suncook River, it was the husband, Mooney, who briefly told her what she by then suspected, that Hamilton and the rest of the family had been engaged in a “feud” for over ten years, “maybe even longer, maybe since he was born,” Mooney added. But he hadn’t enough time to tell her much more than that, so in many ways, and in a few new ways, as she got out of Mooney’s car and crossed the narrow cemetery lane to where half a dozen people she recognized from the church and the pallbearers and the minister were gathered around the casket and open grave, she was as confused as she had been back in front of the church when she had first stepped out of Hamilton’s car.

There was a sharp, steady wind blowing off the river. The mourners had positioned themselves at the head of the grave, behind the waist-high granite gravestone, with their backs to the wind. Dora walked quickly around the grave and the four or five floral arrangements at the foot, noticing as she passed the large fan of white chrysanthemums among them, and took a place at the end of the line, next to Mooney, who, like most of the others in the group, had jammed his hands into his coat pockets and was staring at the ground. One or two of the men had folded their arms over their chests and were staring into the sour sky, but all of them were standing in postures that to Dora seemed more defiant than mournful, more angry than grieving, Mooney’s face was set, his soft chin and cheeks held tightly back, almost as if he were wincing. Next to him Sarah, far from indulging in the expected filial weeping, was scowling darkly down at the bleached-out ground, and beyond her, Jody, too, scowled and worked her lips against her teeth. Chub was one of the men whose thick arms were crossed over their beefy chests and who looked up at the sky and flexed the muscles in their jaws. Even the twin boys, Alfred and Alvin, in their awkward way, stood angrily at the head of their grandmother’s grave and looked as if they were about to have a tantrum.

Dora didn’t know what to make of this show of apparent anger. She felt as if she had walked into the middle of a play, one of those modern plays where the characters never speak and act in the ways you expect them to speak and act. Even the minister looked angry, standing there at the foot of the grave, his Bible in his hand, glaring down at the gravestone and then scowling into the book as he read the half-dozen sentences that committed Alma Stark’s mortal remains to the earth. Was this how the people of this town expressed their grief? Who were they angry at? It almost seemed they were angry with God Himself for having taken the old woman from them. But she knew that couldn’t be true — surely, Alma had not been that passionately loved a mother and grandmother, that steadfast and selfless a friend and neighbor. Surely, she could not have been so desperately mourned that her survivors would blaspheme the God who had taken her from them.

The minister, having completed the requisite benediction, gave the signal to the two men from Heywoods’ Funeral Home to lower the casket, and then he spun around and stalked across the roadway to the car, with the others immediately following. As the casket hissed hydraulically into the cold, dark earth, Dora suddenly found herself alone, and she started to rush after Mooney and his wife Sarah, who were already grimly getting into their car. Glancing back at the gravestone as she passed alongside the grave, she saw with mild surprise that the single large stone had been put there to mark two graves, not one. On the left of the polished face of the stone it read HORACE MOORE STARK, with the dates 1892–1963, and on the right half of the face it read ALMA BRAITHWAITE STARK, with the year of her birth, 1893– and a blank space left for the year of her death, 1973.

Was there something about this stone, Dora wondered, that had angered them? Why? What was wrong with the stone? It seemed perfectly appropriate to her — the husband, Horace, had died first, in 1963, she could see that, and naturally the wife, knowing she would someday be buried next to him, had placed a single stone to mark both graves, leaving blank the place where the year of her own death would eventually be carved. Dora was sure that many surviving wives and husbands handled the matter precisely in this manner. The alternative, she thought, as she got into the back seat of Mooney’s car, was to employ two separate stones and to leave the selection of each stone and its placement entirely in the hands of the survivors of each partner, which, she reasoned, would probably be a slightly more expensive and complicated way of doing it, but at least it would have the advantage of not trying to anticipate the order in which the various members of a family would die, who would be the survivors and who would not. And one would not, year after year, every time one came out to the cemetery, to pay one’s respects to the memory of one’s dead husband, have to look on one’s own gravestone, with that blank space for the date of one’s death beckoning to one, impatiently reminding one who was next, suggesting by its very incompleteness that one was late, was overdue, urging one to rush, to come down sooner to the earth.

They were almost back to the church, and none of the three in the car had said a word. Then, in a low, frightened voice, Dora asked, “Did Hamilton have that gravestone installed on his own?” knowing that the answer would be yes, and knowing that he had done it without ever having mentioned it to any of them, not to his mother and not to either of his sisters, and knowing, too, that they had discovered its presence one afternoon, doubtless one Memorial Day, when they all had gone out to the cemetery with Alma to place flowers on the old man’s grave, which up to then had probably been marked by a modest brass plaque laid flat in the ground, the conventional way for survivors to put off the expense and the usually painful negotiations with one another that accompany the selection and purchase of a large, permanent, granite marker.

Mooney stopped in front of the church. Hamilton’s green Chrysler was slightly ahead of him and on the other side of the road. Dora had reached for the handle to open the door when suddenly Sarah spun in her seat and faced her. Her wide face was torn unexpectedly with furious weeping and she bellowed into Dora’s shocked face, “You fool! You fool! I don’t even feel sorry for you!” Then she began to sob and turned away, burying her face in her hands. Her husband said nothing. He reached one hand across and patted his wife’s knee; it was a practiced gesture, a fruitless one, but one he could not let himself forgo.

Slowly, silently, Dora got out of the car, crossed the road, and started to walk to Hamilton’s car. She knew the woman was right, Sarah, her husband’s own sister. For she was a fool, a pathetic, middle-aged, solitary fool, and she deserved no pity for it, none at all. Opening the heavy door of the car and holding it open for a second, she looked in at her husband, the man whose name a week ago in a dark haze she had attached to her own, and she decided, as she got into the warm interior of the car and closed the door behind her, that she would leave him, she would flee this man as soon as she dared, as soon as she no longer feared he would kill her for it.

The ringing of the telephone next to my bed clanged into my dream and woke me. I groped for a second, half-blind in the semidarkness, and found the receiver and finally stopped the ringing. As I drew the receiver to my ear I checked my watch — Was it morning or evening? What day? What night? As if by answering these questions one might know who would be calling and breaking so unexpectedly into one’s sleep. And while my eyes, fixed on the luminous face of my watch, told me that it was 6:25 A.M. and that the day was Monday, February 5, and that the year was 1975, my ear, pressed to the cool, smooth, plastic face of the receiver, told me that it was my friend C. who was calling me at this early hour, still a half-hour before sunrise.

He spoke sharply, before I myself had said a word. “Did I wake you?”

My mouth felt sourly dry — too much cognac and too many cigars the night before. “Well, yes, but it was time to get up anyhow. I was up late last night,” I said, as explanation for my still being in bed a half-hour before sunrise. (C. sleeps almost not at all, or rather, never for longer than two or three hours at a time; over a period of twenty-four hours, however, he probably averages eight full hours of deep sleep — but as a result, he has lost touch with normal, if not exactly “natural,” sleeping habits, and thus I never know when he will call me and I never know when not to call him.) “Working,” I added guiltily.

“Ah, yes. On your novel.”

There was no point in my denying it, so I said nothing. The room was filled with soft, dark shadows, as if it were under water, and I sensed a snowstorm coming.

“Well, I wanted to know if she’s all right.”

“Who?”

“Oh, sorry! Dora. Or the one you call Dora. I’ve been reading your Chapter Ten and sitting here pondering her fate, and I must confess it, you’ve given me cause for concern, even alarm.”

“Alarm?” This surprised me. “For whom?”

“Why, for Dora. Or whoever she is — A.’s fifth ex-wife. Is she all right?”

“All right? Well, yes, yes… I mean, I suppose so. She left him over a year ago, you know. Why, what’s wrong?”

“Is she back with her husband, the haberdasher?” he asked nervously.

“Oh, yes, certainly. They were married again, the day her divorce from Hamilton, A., came through. Sometime early this winter, as I recall. No. C., Dora’s fine now, fine. She’s even gone back to her old job at the typesetting company. I imagine her time with Hamilton, I mean A., seems like a bad dream to her now. Which, of course, is a shame.”

“How’s that again?”

“Eh? A shame. I said it’s a shame that she considers her few months with A. as she would a bad dream.”

“Well, if you asked me, and I’m beginning to think that you wouldn’t, but if you asked me, I’d tell you that I think she’s damned fortunate to be able to think of it as a bad dream. She’s lucky to be able to think at all!”

“Wha…?”

“The man’s dangerous. And surely you see that,” he said, his voice suddenly lowered.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” I laughed. “Dangerous? Perplexing, yes. Frustrating, certainly. But dangerous? No, my dear friend, I think not.”

“You sound irrational, man,” he informed me quietly. Was there a tainting touch of condescension in his voice? I couldn’t tell. Perhaps he actually believed what he was saying, perhaps to him I did sound irrational. But to me, his assertion that Hamilton was dangerous, and was dangerous specifically to Dora, his ex-wife, was, well, hysterical. No, if anyone sounded irrational this gray predawn, it was my old friend C., the man I was accustomed to regard as an almost pure thinker.

“C.,” I said calmly, “what’s got you off on this ‘dangerous’ tangent? If you’re afraid for Dora’s welfare, for heaven’s sake, or her physical safety, you might as well be afraid for mine as well,” I said.

“Indeed.” His voice was still low, and then very carefully he began to try to “reason” with me, as he put it, though I must say right here and now that what he had to say did not sound particularly reasonable at all. I will concede that he was sincere, however, and that he was not condescending to me. And I do believe that the man was genuinely afraid that Dora, and possibly I myself, were in danger of being killed by Hamilton Stark. Yes, that’s right, killed. By Hamilton, my Hamilton, good old Ham Stark. My hero, for God’s sake!

The way C. saw it, he told me, the very inability of practically every intelligent or sensitive person who came into close contact with Hamilton to determine with confidence whether the man’s behavior was deliberate and intentional or out of control and compulsive — that very inability made the question of whether Hamilton was dangerous or not a very real question, one that any responsible person, as well as any other kind of person who chose to associate with Hamilton, had to try to answer. Then C. went down a quick list of people who, close to Hamilton in various ways, had been unable to determine whether his behavior was intentional or compulsive — Rochelle, who tried so hard for so long, and for all I know may still be trying as she reads this, and Rochelle’s mother, and Annie, Hamilton’s second wife, and probably Alma, his mother, although, from the evidence, one couldn’t be sure, and Dora, and then, of course, me. On the other hand, people like Jody and Chub Blount, probably Sarah and her husband, Sam Mooney, too, and Hamilton’s third and fourth wives, Jenny the nurse and Maureen the waif, and most of the townspeople who knew Hamilton considerably less than intimately — these people all were convinced that the man was stark raving mad, out of control, dangerous. They had no doubts. Whether they could come up with a sure diagnosis or not didn’t matter; they believed he was ill and that the nature of his illness put them in various kinds of danger.

The rest of us, according to C., couldn’t decide whether the man was ill or transcendently healthy. We were attracted to him quite as much as we were repelled. And that, according to C., made the question of his potential danger a real one. He went on briefly to cite a few famous cases that he thought were historical parallels — Juan Perón, Howard Hughes, Mary Baker Eddy, and several others I’ve forgotten. In all these cases, C. insisted, the very thing one person used as evidence of the hero’s madness, his illness, another person cited as evidence of his genius, his transcendent good health. Usually, this produces a stand-off, a static situation, which no responsible person should abide. (I thought C. did sound a bit self-righteous there, but basically I agreed with him.) At which point, according to C., the person recognizes that he or she is faced with the choice of either becoming one who follows the hero or one who flees from him, and because of the nature of genius on the one hand and this particular type of illness on the other, one is forced to forgo one’s reason, one’s reliance on objectively considered evidence, and rely instead soley on one’s intuition, which, C. said, was precisely what all of us — Rochelle, her mother, Annie, Dora, and I — had attempted to do.

Apparently it was easier for people like Rochelle’s mother and Annie and, eventually, Dora to trust their intuition. Though they never actually were able to conclude, in a syllogistically sound way, that the man they had married was insane, they nevertheless had ended up acting as if they had so concluded. Though they had all three decided, after the fact, to regard certain bits of his behavior and certain physiological manifestations as evidence of his madness, it was wholly on an intuitive basis that they had reached their conclusion. After all, C. pointed out, the very same bits of behavior and physiological manifestations these three people used to prove their ex-husband’s madness, Rochelle and I had cited as evidence of his genius — the cryptic, self-denying, aphoristic utterances (which, C. reminded me, I had once regarded as “double positives” and a higher form of wisdom); the absurd ritualization of petty tasks and minor events (to me, the absurdity was admirable and was in fact the whole point); his inability to demonstrate “normal” feelings toward others (a willed characteristic, which, I had claimed, functioned mainly to make us more conscious of our “normal” feelings); his growling out loud, the “dead eyes” cited by Dora (to me, evidence of a yogic state of meditation employed by Hamilton to help him cope with deep frustration without having to resort to simple repression); and numerous other minor acts and behavior patterns. The point C. wanted to make, apparently, was that none of this was evidence that could justify our feeling one way or the other about the man. For on that level Hamilton resisted penetration or analysis. One could not confidently project oneself onto him, which, said C., is indeed as much characteristic of genius as it is of madness, for we are, none of us, one or the other. Rochelle and I, C. believed, had taken longer than the others to decide one way or the other, had continued to entertain the question, letting one ambiguous, open-ended image of him fold into another just as the first image seemed about to close, because we were probably slightly more intelligent than they, or at least were more worldly-wise in the way of paradoxes.

Up to this point I had not found it especially difficult to agree with my old friend, and actually, as the conversation progressed (it was more a monologue than a conversation), I had felt grateful to him for taking the time and thought to put the matter in this particular perspective. In my quest for an understanding of Hamilton Stark, C.’s point of view was still of value to me. The bedroom had gradually filled with a milky light, and because of the peculiar stillness, I knew that it would soon be snowing. I lay back down and propped the receiver against the pillow next to my ear and continued to listen.

But, unfortunately, this was where C. started to assert a point of view that, to my mind, not only revealed an intolerable intellectual arrogance but actually undermined his carefully stated previous position as well. Essentially, what he started to do was cite what, to him, was clear-cut evidence for the madness of Hamilton Stark, what he, C., called “a particularly virulent form of madness.” I listened with dismay as he described Hamilton’s absurd overritualization of petty tasks and acts as a compensatory device for his failure to participate any longer in his society’s “normal” social rites. Then C. went on to recall for me Hamilton’s youthful belief, “on rather suspiciously flimsy evidence,” that he had killed his own father in a quarrel. That, plus his unseemly rush to supplant his father later, after the old man’s first stroke, by taking over legal title to the property, indicated to C. the presence of a “deep and unresolved oedipal conflict.” As further evidence of this unresolved oedipal conflict, he also pointed to what he described as Hamilton’s strong need to keep his mother at a safe distance, even going so far as to “toss the old woman out into the cold” and to withhold all expressions of feeling for her, even at her death.

By now, quite frankly, I was too appalled to stop him. And thus C. went on uninterruptedly, dragging out one bit of so-called evidence after another, each time reasserting his diagnosis of “unresolved oedipal conflict,” sounding more and more like a college psych major. I could barely believe what I was hearing! There was the pattern of Hamilton’s passively aggressive stance toward the women who became his wives — why there were so many of them, C. insisted. There was his inability to declare his love for any one of them, which, conjoined with his inability to say that he did not love any one of them and his apparent belief that the only alternative to loving someone, in particular a woman, was to hate him, or, in particular, her. And then there was “that gravestone business,” as C. called it, which indicated to him that the man was by now dealing with only barely repressed desires to remove the object of his obsession, the object of his “unresolved oedipal conflict,” by wishing her dead. And so “naturally,” C. had felt a rush of concern for Dora’s welfare, for with Hamilton’s mother finally dead and buried, his dark obsession would turn to the next closest substitute, his wife, and even if she were his most recent ex-wife, she would still be the next closest substitute for his dead mother. “Murder, my friend, is always the madman’s way out of an overpowering love-hate relationship.” Hamilton was giving evidence, to C., at least, of an increasing inability to sustain any relationship at all with a woman, as shown by the increased pace of his marriages and divorces. “How can I not be deeply concerned with the welfare, even for the very life, of any woman who falls prey to the charm of his enigmatic ways and his manipulative passivity, especially now, when he seems so close to losing what little ability he has had in the past of repressing his murderous impulses?”

How, indeed? I thought sarcastically. Yes, how? Oh bitter disappointment! Oh solitude! Oh inevitable betrayal! Oh silence, exile and cunning!

“You there?”

Oh lost and by the wind grieved point of view!

“Are you still there?”

Oh deep-wounding reason! Oh overreaching Apollonian perspective!

“Hello? Operator? Anyone there? I think I’ve been cut off. Operator? I think I’ve been cut off. I think the connections broken. Operator? Is anyone there?”