Heartsick

CHAPTER 37

It seemed, to Susan, that every cop in the city had descended on Dan McCallum’s small house. Canary yellow crime-scene tape zigzagged around the yard to keep the growing throng of spectators at bay. In the distance, TV reporters positioned themselves in front of the action for their live-remote reports. Susan was sitting on a wrought-iron bench on McCallum’s front stoop, smoking a cigarette. She had her cell phone pressed against her ear explaining the whole situation to Ian, when they found Kristy Mathers’s bike.

A patrol cop searching the garage discovered it leaning up against the wall, hidden under a blue tarp. A yellow girl’s bike, with a banana seat and a busted chain. The cops all gathered around it, scratching their heads and looking taciturn, while newspaper photographers snapped digital pictures and neighbors took snapshots with their camera phones.

Susan thought of Addy Jackson and where she was right then and felt sick. She was surely dead, half-buried in some river muck somewhere. Charlene Wood from Channel 8 stood in front of the house, her back to Susan, reporting live. Susan couldn’t hear what she was saying but could imagine the cheesy dramatic graphics and local news hysteria. The state of humanity, it seemed to Susan recently, was looking pretty bleak.

After a while, Archie left the circle of cops and came over to where Susan sat.

“You not covering this?” he asked, sitting down next to her on the bench.

She shook her head. “It’s news. They want a reporter. They’re sending Parker over.” She bent her knees, lifted them to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs, and took a drag off her cigarette. “The ride along vest sat in a heap beside her. So he killed himself?”

“Looks like it.”

“I didn’t see a note.”

“Most suicides don’t leave notes,” Archie said. “You’d be surprised.”

“Really?”

Archie rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and looked out into the front yard. “I think it’s hard to know what to say.”

“I saw him the other day,” Susan said sadly. “At Cleveland.”

Archie raised his eyebrows. “Did he say anything?”

“Just small talk,” Susan said, ashing her cigarette off the side of the stoop.

“You’re ashing on my crime scene,” Archie said.

“Oh shit,” Susan said. “I’m sorry.” She ground her cigarette out on a piece of notebook paper, folded the paper carefully around it, and deposited the package in her purse. She was aware of Archie watching her, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. Instead, she looked at her hands. The skin around the small wound on her finger from the wineglass was red, like it was getting infected. “Don’t you want to ask me?”

“What?” he asked.

She lifted the finger to her mouth and sucked on it for a moment, a flash of salty skin and tinny dried blood. “If it really happened.”

He shook his head, a tiny movement, barely noticeable. “No.”

Naturally. He would be gallant about it. Susan wished she hadn’t ground out the cigarette. She wanted something to do with her hands. She fidgeted with the sash of her trench coat. “McCallum coached my Knowledge Bowl team. I quit the day before State. I was the only one who knew anything about geography.”

Archie hesitated. “This thing with Reston. I’m going to report it to the school. He shouldn’t be teaching, at the very least.”

Susan steeled herself. “I lied. I made the whole thing up.”

Archie closed his eyes sadly. “Susan, don’t do this.”

“Please, just leave it alone,” Susan begged him. “I already feel like such a fool. I’m such a fucking moron when it comes to men.” She looked Archie in the eye. “I had a crush on him. And I made the affair up. I wanted it to happen. But it didn’t.” She held his gaze, her expression pleading. “So leave it alone, okay? Seriously. I’m a fuckup. You have no idea.”

He shook his head. “Susan-”

“I made it up,” she said again.

Archie was motionless.

“Archie,” she said carefully. “Please believe me. It was all a story. I’m a liar.” She stressed each word, each syllable, wanting him to understand. “I’ve always been a liar.”

He nodded slowly. “Okay.”

She had fucked everything up. Royally. As usual. “Don’t feel bad. I’m a lost cause.” Susan tried to smile at Archie, but felt her eyes tear. She rolled them and laughed. “My mother thinks that I just need to find a nice boy with a hybrid car.”

Archie seemed to consider this. “Good gas mileage is an important attribute in a potential mate.” He smiled gingerly at Susan and then gazed back out into the yard, where Charlene Wood had just finished her live shot. “I’ve got to get back to work, but I’ll get someone to give you a ride home.”

“It’s okay. I called Ian.”

Archie stood and then turned back toward Susan. “You sure you’re okay?”

She squinted up at the blue sky. “Do you think this sunshine will ever break?”

“It’ll rain,” Archie said. “It always does.”