Helpless

Chapter 33

It wasn’t easy for Jill to send Lindsey a text message. She contemplated not doing it at all. Jill worried about what she’d say if they got together, and didn’t know how she’d feel or react. But the uncertainty was killing her. It made it impossible to think about anything else.

Once, when she was seven, her father had taught her ways to spot a lie. The lesson followed a confrontation over five dollars missing from her father’s wallet. He had told Jill not to lie to him, because he could always tell when she did. And that was when he showed her how—and pointed out that she flared her nostrils, never made eye contact, and rubbed her hands together. Convinced that she couldn’t get away with it, Jill returned the five dollars she’d taken. In exchange for telling the truth, her father had bought her the bracelet she intended to buy with the money.

Jill remembered how her father’s techniques seemed to work on Lindsey, because she’d witnessed Lindsey lie to her mother on more than one occasion. And whenever she lied, Lindsey would flick her hair back right after she did. But was it every time? Jill wasn’t quite sure. If they met in person, Jill believed that her gut would know.

Jill gazed at her phone and read through past text messages they’d sent each other. Each message she read made her feel worse, not better. They reminded her of a friendship that might be ruined forever.

After several minutes of internal debate, Jill decided that it had to be done. She sent Lindsey a message, which read simply: we need to talk! Lindsey responded almost immediately. Where are U??? she wrote back. A quick exchange followed. Jill agreed to meet Lindsey in front of the Kalinowskis’ house in twenty minutes.

Jill was waiting outside when Lindsey drove up. Lindsey had only her learner’s permit, so her mother was sitting in the car with her. But her mother didn’t get out when Lindsey did.

Lindsey took several quick, purposeful steps over to Jill. For a moment, the two friends stood face-to-face, silently staring at each other. Jill’s hands found the pockets of her hooded sweatshirt.

“Hi,” Lindsey said.

“Hi,” said Jill.

“So,” said Lindsey.

“So,” answered Jill.

“Well, this sucks,” Lindsey said, with a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, I’ll say.”

“I didn’t do it,” Lindsey said. “I never would.”

Jill studied her friend closely. She watched for that telling hair flick. But Lindsey kept her hands to her sides. Even without that tell, Jill remained unconvinced. This wasn’t just about Lindsey getting it on with some teacher. This was her dad. The thought of it was enough to churn her stomach.

“Okay,” was all Jill managed to say. Her voice came out soft as the breeze. But Jill couldn’t look Lindsey in the eyes anymore. Everything felt wrong to her. Worse than wrong, it felt so terribly sad. Jill felt the pang of a hollow pit form in her stomach. It wasn’t as bad a feeling as the days and weeks following her mother’s death, but it was enough to remind Jill of that loss.

“What can I do to convince you?” Lindsey asked in a voice that pleaded for understanding.

Jill turned her gaze back to Lindsey. Her vision was blurred by gathering tears, which she wiped away with the back of her hand. “I thought if I saw you, I’d know,” Jill said. “I thought you could tell me that you didn’t do it and I’d believe you.”

“And do you?” Lindsey asked. “Do you believe me?” Lindsey’s voice came out sounding shaky like Jill’s.

“Yes!” Jill wanted to say. “Yes, I believe you!” But Jill only thought those words; she didn’t voice them. Instead, Jill stared at her friend and hoped to be convinced.

“Do you believe me?” Lindsey asked again.

This time, however, Lindsey’s right hand gently brushed her long hair back behind her ears.

Jill’s eyes went wide, and she quickly turned her head.

“I’m sorry, Lin,” Jill said as she studied the ground. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

Jill looked up and said, “I don’t think we should talk for a while.”

“Why?” Lindsey appeared to be on the verge of tears.

Jill thought about Lindsey’s right hand brushing back her hair. Was that her tell? Did Lindsey just announce her lie?

“I don’t know what to think,” Jill eventually said. “I don’t know how I feel. And until that changes, I’m not sure we can still be friends.”