How to Travel With a Salmon and Other Essays

Stars and Stripes

ASTROGRAM

FROM: GHQ, GALACTIC CORPS, SOL III

TO: ARMY COMMAND ZONE IV, URANUS

PER INFORMATION RECEIVED FLAGRANT EPISODES HOMOSEXUALITY OBSERVED BOOS FIRST ASSAULT FORCE STOP ALL RESPONSIBLE MUST BE IMMEDIATELY ELIMINATED STOP STRICT REPRESSION URGENTEST STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO, CIC, CASINO, MONACO

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: ARMY COMMAND ZONE IV, URANUS

TO: GHQ, GALACTIC CORPS, SOL III

CASINO, MONACO

RESPECTFULLY INFORM GHQ THAT BOOS, NATIVES OF URANUS, ARE HERMAPHRODITE RACE (NO. 30015, INTERGALACTIC ETHNIC REGISTRY) STOP PRESUMED INSTANCES HOMOSEXUALITY AS PER DOCUMENTS SUBMITTED HEREWITH ARE HENCE NORMAL ESTABLISHED SEXUAL PRACTICE CONTEMPLATED IN URANUS LEGAL CODE AND INTERGALACTIC CONSTITUTION STOP

(SIGNED) COLONEL ZBZZ TSG, ACTING COMMANDER DURING ABSENCE GENERAL AGWRSS ON MATERNITY LEAVE

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: GHQ, GALACTIC CORPS, SOL III

TO: ARMY HQ, ZONE V, PLUTO

THIS GHQ RELIABLY INFORMED OF FLAGRANT EPISODES PUBLIC MASTURBATION AMONG DIGGERS AND DRILLERS CORPS PLUTO STOP INSIST ON IMMEDIATE EXEMPLARY PUNISHMENT OF THOSE DIRECTLY INVOLVED INCLUDING OFFICERS RESPONSIBLE FOR INEXCUSABLE LAXITY OF DISCIPLINE

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO, CIC, CASINO

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: ARMY HQ, ZONE V, PLUTO

TO: GHQ, GALACTIC CORPS, SOL III

CASINO, MONACO

CLARIFICATION NECESSARY STOP PLUTO DRILLERS MEMBERS VERMIFORM RACE (HENCE BORING SKILLS AND EXCEPTIONAL PRODUCTIVITY GEOLOGICAL PROSPECTING PLUTO ZONE) REPRODUCE VIA PARTHENOGENESIS STOP IN CHARACTERISTIC DRILLER POSITION ANTERIOR EXTREMITY SUCKS POSTERIOR EXTREMITY PRODUCING SYMPTOMATIC ORGASM AND SUBSEQUENT SCISSION STOP NORMAL PROCEDURE CONTEMPLATED IN LOCAL ARMY REGULATIONS OTHERWISE FURTHER RECRUITMENT IMPOSSIBLE

(SIGNED) GENERAL BOOSAMMETH AND GENERAL BOOSAMETH

(REQUEST CONFIRMATION COMMANDER IDENTITY AFTER RECENT TOP LEVEL SCISSION)

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: GHQ, GALACTIC CORPS, SOL III

TO: ARMY HQ, ZONE IV, URANUS

AND ARMY HQ, ZONE V, PLUTO

SPECIOUS EXCUSES UNACCEPTABLE STOP EXCESSIVE LAXITY UNDERMINING GALACTIC FORCES STRICT TRADITIONAL MORALITY, QUICK THINKING AND SCRUPULOUS HYGIENE ALSO PROUD TRADITION MARINE CORPS ROYAL CARABINEERS GRENADIER GUARDS SUBMITTING MASS RESIGNATIONS STOP ALL OFFENDERS CONFINED TO QUARTERS

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO

CIC, CASINO

***

Intergalactic Commission for Defense of Ethnic Minorities

Fomalhaut (Piscis Australis)

Your Excellency, I am taking the liberty of drawing to your attention the episodes referred to in the enclosed file, which clearly suggests that General Percuoco (a Terrestrial, I presume) brings to the galactic military administration a mind-set I would say has been obsolete at least since the administration of President Flanagan, who (before his unfortunate assassination by an African fanatic) so intelligently defended the rights of marginal races to total equality. As you well know, the Flanagan doctrine decrees that all galactic beings are equal before the Great Matrix, irrespective of shape, number of scales or limbs, or even the physical state (solid, liquid, or gaseous) in which they happen to exist. The Intergalactic Federal Government has rightly established a High Commission for Cultural and Biological Relativity, which produces the Intergalactic Ethnic Registry and proposes to the High Court of Justice suitable additions and emendations to the intergalactic laws as terrestrial civilization expands to the farthest extremes of the Cosmos. After the fall of the Great Atomic Empires (the former Russia and America), when the peoples of the Mediterranean basin, thanks to the discovery of the energy-generating capacity of citric acid, became masters, first of Earth, and then of the entire universe, crisscrossing it with their astrocraft propelled by what a poet had extolled as "the golden trumpets of solar-ity," it seemed to all a good omen that dominion over the universe had been given to peoples who had previously suffered severe racial discrimination on their own planet. You surely recall the enthusiasm that greeted the Hefner Law, which allowed copulation between terrestrial women and the pentaphallic men of Jupiter—even though we all know the cost in bloodshed of this ill-starred pioneering experiment, which required the no doubt overvigorous males of Jupiter to satisfy five simultaneous urges in conjunction with a single univaginal female. But that undeniable breakthrough nevertheless inspired the intergalactic interracial laws that continue today to be the boast of our Federation.

It is a source of great general satisfaction, too, that our intergalactic military regulations have conformed to the principle of integration and, in fact, have established the principle that citizens should fulfill their military service requirement on a planet other than the one of their birth. We have noticed with great dismay, therefore, that this regulation has for a long time been flouted, as is evidenced by the fact that, like the drillers of Pluto, who serve today only on their native planet, the Boos Attack Force serves only on Uranus. This situation explains why General Percuoco, whose military and management skills are naturally beyond debate, is unaware of the anatomical details and reproductive methods of these troops. But Your Excellency can assess the enormity of this diplomatic incident from the television coverage of the consequent uprisings on the two planets involved.

I therefore beg Your Excellency to take measures to ensure the implementation of the intergalactic principle of integration, and I am confident that from the splendid heights of the Moyenne Corniche, and from the Presidential residence, the Palais LaTurbie, which affords Your Excellency such an enchanting view of the Mediterranean, a prompt and paternal admonition will be sent to the military command that from the historic palace of the former Casino of Monte Carlo presides over the Galactic Maneuvers, the all-important Conflictual Potlatch.

I beg you to consider me your most devoted subject, and in the name of the Great Combinatory Matrix of the Universe I bend my thirty knees,

Avram Boond-ss'bb

***

To the Illustrious Polypod Avram Boond-ss'bb Fomalhaut (Piscis Australis)

In the name of the Southern Cross, peace, my dear Polypod. Allow me to answer your letter, on behalf of our beloved Intergalactic President, whose humble PR representative I am, hastening to guarantee the satisfaction of your request, the will of the Great Matrix be done.

His Excellency is well aware of his grave responsibilities as Guarantor of Integration, but he must also bear in mind his equally grave responsibilities as Supreme Commander of the Great Conflictual Potlatch Games.

Through all the centuries of recorded history it has always been difficult to control armies, and the ancient Hebrews actually assigned that task to their Deus Sabaoth. Today more than ever before, this task is overwhelming, if not impossible, in the context of Intergalactic Peace. You know that the greatest statesmen in history, as far back as the twenty-second century of the Christian era, emphasized the dangers of an unruly army of several hundred thousand troops during a transitory period of peace. The great coups d'état of the twentieth century derived, in fact, from an excess of peace (as the late President Flanagan said, only wars are the cradles of democracy and of libertarian revolutions). So you can imagine (but, indeed, you already know) how stressful it is to govern an army of billions of beings from numerous intergalactic ethnicities, in a state of Perpetual Peace and in the constitutional absence both of boundaries to be defended and of threatening enemies to be warded off. In this situation, as you are well aware, an army not only costs much more but tends to multiply its component units in deference to the well-known law of Parkinson. The ensuing difficulties are easily imagined.

Take, in fact, the cases of the drillers of Pluto and the Boos of Uranus. The original plan was to include them in the Lunar Mixed Corps, which, by long-standing rule, is made up of tractor patrols comprising two terrestrials (an Italian Bersagliere and a Canadian Mountie) and two extraterrestrials. You are surely familiar with the endless problems this lunar patrolling has caused. The incompatibility between the two terrestrial bodies was evident, first of all: coexistence was impossible for two soldiers both wearing broad-brimmed hats in the cramped oxygenated space in the forward cabin of the tractor. And you will recall that the feathers of the Bersagliere's headgear proved to contain allergens extremely irritating to horses (this, by the way, may explain why traditional military wisdom has always opposed the formation of units of mounted sharpshooters). But you also know the Mounties' proverbial attachment to their mounts, which they will not give up even in a tractor (the attempt to mount the Redcoats on bicycles ended in miserable failure, as the traditions of the various corps cannot and must not be ignored). But that was nothing compared to the disastrous installation of Plutonians and Uranians in the rear section of the tractors—not only because the Uranian Assault Boos' notoriously long tails cannot be accommodated in the tractor and must therefore drag behind it on the ground, suffering countless slow-healing abrasions, but also because, while the Boos normally live in an inflammable gaseous atmosphere, the Pluto drillers survive only at a temperature of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, and no com-partmentation, however airtight, can guarantee sufficient reciprocal isolation. But the most serious consideration is that the Pluto drillers have a compulsive tendency to root in the ground and bore (in the petroliferous sense of the word); and while on their native Pluto this activity has no serious consequences, thanks to the regenerative capacity of the terrain, on the moon it promptly led to that condition to which mining experts have given the colorful term "green-cheesing" (endangering the gravitational stability of that celestial body). In short, it was necessary to abandon the integration program and today lunar tractor patrols are manned exclusively by Pygmies from Bandar (Bengal jungle), exquisitely suited to this assignment. Functional considerations had to prevail over integrational ones. Bear in mind that this solution is not strictly in line with regulations and is apparently justified only by a temporary order. You will thus understand the extent of the problems the central authorities must face, and I will not conceal the fact that the above-mentioned solution was adopted against the wishes of the Casino High Command. But it is also true that not all military commanders are capable of coping with the countless problems that arise in the administration of an intergalactic army.

In any case, as far as the matter in question goes, His Excellency has instructed me to inform you that he is providing for an ordinary rotation in the high commands: as of tomorrow General Percuoco will be OIC, Quartermaster HQ, on Betelgeuse, and command of the Galactic Corps will be assumed by General Corbetta, the efficient former CO of the Lancers of Novara. As for the whole Intergalactic High Command, it will be under General Giansaverio Rebaudengo, former head of the Secret Services, an officer in the finest Piedmontese tradition, certainly ideally suited to assume this complex and grave responsibility.

We are confident that these solutions offer adequate guarantees to the Intergalactic Commission for the Defense of Ethnic Minorities, and special care has been taken not to choose for this delicate post an officer coming from a traditionally racist area such as Africa, Sicily, and the upper Brescia region. His Excellency is further of the opinion that it will never be too soon to abandon the legitimate tradition by which the highest command positions are always occupied by soldiers of Mediterranean origins, but you know as well as I do what enormous prestige the so-called Lemon Belt enjoys. We cannot forget we are the children of a citric acid technology.

Your most devoted

Giovanni Pautasso

Chief, Public Relations Section

His Excellency the President

of the Intergalactic Federation

***

From La Turbie Palace,

Mediterranean

Confidential Report

For: HE President of the Federation

From: Joint Secret Services, Rome

With some hesitation, I have executed Your Excellency's order to clarify the position of Agent Wwwsp Gggrs. I hesitated because the prime condition of the existence of an office coordinating Secret Service activities, always in reciprocal competition, is the absolute secrecy of its information. This is a principle we observe so scrupulously that, as a rule, this office—to avoid leaks—tries not to be informed of anything being done by the services it must coordinate. If we occasionally allow ourselves to learn of some event, it is only to keep our twenty-six thousand staff members on their toes, in accordance with the theory of Institutionalized Wheelspinning, which regulates the entire existence of the Intergalactic Armed Forces.

In any case, to understand the position of agent Wwwsp Gggrs, a miniaturized bivalve from Cassiopeia, we must bear in mind also the situation of the thirty-seven Secret Services of the Federated Galaxies. If I may remind Your Excellency, I would begin with the principle that, if these services are to function well and if our coordinating office is to fulfill its task of Disinformation, the government must remain completely ignorant of everything regarding these services.

As Your Excellency knows, the Federated Galaxies labor under the burden of belonging to the government of a nation without boundaries and therefore without any possible enemies, and hence condemned, if you will, to perpetual peace. This situation has unquestionably created difficulties for the formation of an Army, though the Galaxies have been unwilling to give up the idea of having one; they could hardly be expected to renounce one of the chief prerogatives of a sovereign state. Hence their recourse to the enlightened idea of Institutionalized Wheelspinning, which allows an Army of immeasurable dimensions to concern itself only with its own maintenance—getting around the genuine need for renewal by regularly conducting a Conflictual Potlatch: War Games, in other words.

This solution was not difficult to implement, inasmuch as (even before the Pax Mediterranea and the unification of the Galaxies) the armies of the Vulgar Era had for some time already been devoted largely to self-maintenance. Nevertheless, they had two important release valves. One was the instigation of endless local wars, under the pressure of the centers of economic power, to keep a profitable war economy functioning; the other was reciprocal espionage among nations, whose consequent ongoing tensions provoked coups d'état, cold wars, and the rest.

As Your Excellency is well aware, the discovery of the energy-generating possibilities of citric acid not only caused galactic leadership to pass into the hands of the underdeveloped, lemon-producing countries, but also brought radical economic change, ending the age of industrial technology and mass consumption. Now, while in theory the possibility of provoking local wars remains, their utility has vanished. And this has obviously exacerbated the two major problems of the Army's internal functioning, as it eliminates the normal renewal of the troops (once necessitated by casualties) and the promotion of officers for feats in combat. These serious deficiencies have been remedied thanks to the Conflictual Potlatch, and today our space stadiums are thrilled every Sunday by the bloody clashes between units of our glorious Army, who regularly perform, in amicable combat, splendid acts of bravery and daring, inspired by friendship, the spirit of cooperation, and contempt for danger. Never in previous history had anyone seen young people of every race and social background die with a smile on their lips, without a word of hatred for the "enemy," who in fact is sportingly hailed as a friend and a brother, fighting on the opposite side merely through random selection. And, at this point, I trust I may remind you of the heroic behavior of the Fourth Chameleon Hypertransported Division last Sunday in the Southern Cross Derby. Driven towards the boundary of the celestial hemisphere by the Lions of Serpentarius, rather than crash into the government's grandstand erected on Fomalhaut, it crashed on Alpha, enhancing the Conflictual Potlatch with the annihilation of fifty thousand civilian inhabitants—boldly reintroducing into our War Games the sacrifice of non-belligerent victims, a practice that had fallen into complete desuetude since the archaic Napalm period.

But to return to our problem: while the Conflictual Potlatch has solved the problem of the rotation of troops as well as that of bravery-in-action promotions, it has certainly not solved the espionage problem. Obviously it is pointless for a fighting unit to engage in espionage against the unit it is to face in the Potlatch Galactic Series, because the selection of the forces involved is a matter of public record, readily ascertained via the various military sports publications. But, on the other hand, the non-existence of foreign enemies would risk stripping the Secret Services of any raison d'être: for, just as a nation cannot survive without Armed Forces, so Armed Forces cannot survive without Secret Services. If for no other reason than, as the Honki-Henki doctrine illustrates, the Secret Services play an essential biological role, allowing an army in order to "burn off" that surplus of generals and admirals who can never be promoted to the highest responsible positions. Therefore Secret Services must exist, and must carry out an intense activity; but this activity must be totally ineffectual and harmful to the self-maintenance of the State. A knotty problem not easily solved.

Now, one virtue of the Honki-Henki doctrine is that it has revived a valuable practice that originated in the area formerly known as Italia, today's Vinotria, towards the end of the twentieth century of the Vulgar Era: the system of reciprocal espionage among the Special Branches.

For the Special Branches to spy on one another there are two ineluctable requisites. First, each must engage in intense and secret activity that the other Special Branches are anxious to know about, and spies must have easy access to this information. The second requisite is the existence of the Loner Spy: a single agent expert in double-dealing and thus able to spy on several Special Branches at once. He can always be relied on for fresh news from an unimpeachable but unidentified source.

But what is to be done when the Special Branches, in accordance with the principle of Institutionalized Wheelspinning, have nothing to do, publicly or secretly? Then the spy concerned must possess a third requisite, namely the ability to collect and redistribute invented information. In this sense the spy becomes not only a conveyor but the very source of his information. In a certain sense it can be said that it is not so much the Special Branch that creates the Spy as it is the Spy who creates the Special Branch.

It was in this perspective that agent Wwwsp Gggrs was suggested as the most appropriate candidate—and for various reasons. First of all, as a Cassiopeian bivalve, he reasons according to a polyvalent logical system and only in sentences of a high referential opacity; the wondrous blend of these two characteristics makes these bivalves peculiarly adept at lying, systematic self-contradiction, rapid manipulation of apparent synonyms, and judicious mixing of terms de re and terms de dicto (on the order of "if Tullius is Cicero and Tullius is a seven-letter word, then Cicero is a seven-letter word"—a kind of reasoning that, thanks probably to the high level of logical formalization achieved by our officers, proves especially popular even in the most remote garrisons of the galactic outskirts).

In the second place, Wwwsp Gggrs is, as I mentioned, a miniaturized bivalve (like the majority of Cassiopeia's inhabitants, for that matter). It is thus easy for him to penetrate the most unlikely places, compensating for his motor handicap by adopting an appropriate disguise, as a cigarette case or a lady's compact, and slipping into the pocket or the handbag of his contact. Coming and going, passing in this fashion from one body to another while eluding all surveillance, he brilliantly carries out the mission assigned to the Infiltrators of every Special Branch.

Now that the reasons why agent Gggrs was recruited by at least three army corps have been explained, we must still find an explanation of the incident that motivated the request for clarification from Your Excellency's office.

The agent in question, in the pay not only of the Capricorn High Command but of the Antares Police Corps and the Ursa Major Military GHQ as well, while concurrently drawing pay from Capricorn for spying on Antares and Ursus, from Antares for spying on Ursus and Capricorn, and from Ursus for spying on Antares and Capricorn (this would have earned him six separate salaries), apparently inspired by his innate love of intrigue, secretly demanded payment from Antares for spying on Antares, from Ursus for spying on Ursus, and from Capricorn for spying on Capricorn. The impropriety of this activity, which involved each Special Branch in heavy expenditure to buy information about itself, is immediately evident. The deceit might never have been discovered, since the information supplied by the agent was false; each Special Branch head continued to receive information new to him, and thus assumed that this information involved another branch.

But all became clear when General Proazamm of the Capricorn High Command, desiring top-secret information about his own vice-commander, decided to engage Wwwsp Gggrs for this purpose, and called in Captain Coppola, who was paying monthly visits to Pluto to hand-carry the agent's pay to him (the agent, by the way, was being sought by other Capricorn auhorities for minor crimes). It was only in speaking with Captain Coppola that the General became aware of the ambiguous situation and began to suspect that there were some irregularities in the organization of the Capricorn Secret Service; he therefore contacted this office, which—simply doing its duty—professed total ignorance of the whole matter. This assertion was enough for General Proazamm, who sensed his suspicions were well founded. Since Capricornians are notoriously telepathic, General Proazamm's suspicions were inevitably picked up by the telepathy agency of the Procyon Gazette, notoriously hungry for any bit of gossip. The inevitable public scandal ensued.

We are, however, in a position to assure Your Excellency that the guilty agent was promptly rendered ineffective, and we can assure you he will not be in a position to engage in further missions. In fact, he has been named Executive Secretary of the Intergalactic Commission for the Moralization of Espionage Services. As for General Proazamm, who was transferred to a new post of authority with the Quicksands Bureau of Betelgeuse, we received just this morning word of his accidental death there while inspecting Swamp No. 26. And the Procyon Gazette has been taken over by the Citric Acid High Command, which has issued a statement guaranteeing the paper's continuance as a voice of freedom and democracy.

I remain, Excellency, your Excellency's

most devoted Space Admiral, Squadron IV

(name omitted for security reasons)

Director-in-Chief, Special Branches Coordination

PS. Please take note of the fact that, in conformity with the regulations of this office, all information contained in the above letter is false, for reasons of military security.

***

Intergalactic High Command

Casino, Monaco

From General Giansaverio Rebaudengo

To all Galactic Corps

Officers, semi-officers, soldiers, I assume today the high and complete command of our glorious Army. May the memory of our heroic battles at Gallipoli and the Somme, on the Piave and Monte Cassino, serve as inspiration for our future victories.

Long live the Universe!

PS. To celebrate Galactic Day next Sunday, 2 June, in the Gemini Area, a Conflictual Potlatch will be held. The Sirius III Hymenoptera Contingent will be pitted against the Vega Thunder Battalion.

(signed) Giansaverio Rebaudengo

***

URGENT ASTROGRAM

FROM: COMILITER SIRIUS

TO: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO

RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND THAT SIRIUS HYMENOPTERA MEASURE SIX REPEAT SIX MILLIMETERS HEIGHT AND TWO REPEAT TWO MILLIMETERS CIRCUMFERENCE, WHEREAS VEGA SOLDIERS IN THUNDER BATTALION BELONG TO GARAMANTI PACHYDERM SPECIES WEIGHING EIGHT REPEAT EIGHT TONS EACH STOP THEREFORE COMPETITION PROBABLY IMPRACTICAL BECAUSE OF SCANT DENSITY OF SIRIUS III POPULATION HYMENOPTERA UNIT NUMBERS FIVE HUNDRED REPEAT FIVE HUNDRED MEMBERS WHEREAS VEGA THUNDER BATTALION CONSISTS OF TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND REPEAT TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND UNITS STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL BEE

ASTROGRAM

FROM: HIGH COMMAND

TO: COMILITER SIRIUS

WORD IMPOSSIBLE UNKNOWN TO INTERGALACTIC SOLDIERS VOCABULARY STOP CARRY ON STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

***

Memo to General Giansaverio Rebaudengo

EYES ONLY/TOP SECRET

We take the liberty of pointing out to Your Excellency that, in the course of our normal rotation of Intergalactic Units for the honor guard pool of the Federation President, duty for the current month has been assigned to the Pegasus Cavaliers of Death. This office is well aware of the splendid military training of this brave unit, but must point out that the inhabitants of Pegasus have a median height of eighteen meters, and their feet measure, on average, three meters by two. The fact that they are monopod does not make the situation less problematical, as these soldiers proceed by leaps and bounds. During the inaugural ceremony at the Bari Trade Fair last week, one of the President's guards involuntarily trampled the Archbishop of Apulia. We therefore beg Your Excellency to advance the rotation of the roster, excluding from duty soldiers of ethnic groups not congruous with terrestrial format.

The President further advises against participation in the Conflictual Potlatch by the Orion Runners. As the Orion civilization has developed a system of transmigration of souls a.k.a. metempsychosis, the Ori-onides regard death with extreme nonchalance, and any sports competition in which they participate thus proves extremely unsporting. If their presence is absolutely necessary, it is suggested that they be matched with other units having a highly developed sense of life after death: Swiss Guards from the Vatican, Irish Infantry, Spanish Falange, Japanese Air Force.

From the secretariat, Federal Palace

La Turbie

***

High Command

To: President, Intergalactic Federation

La Turbie

Your Excellency, I do not believe I can implement the suggestions you have sent me through the secretariat. All intergalactic soldiers are equal in the eyes of this Command, and I cannot permit any sort of preference or discrimination. During my long and glorious service as a soldier, I have never made distinctions between rich and poor, Calabrian and Bostonian, tall and short. I remember how, way back in 2482, I firmly resisted the pressures of a bigoted and covertly racist press and assigned Sahara patrol duty to the IV Corps of Inuit Harpooners from Prince Joseph's Land. Those magnificent soldiers died, every last one of them, in the line of duty. When a soldier is in uniform, I give no thought to his bulk. I am sorry about the unfortunate mishap of the late, distinguished prelate from Apulia, but the army cannot make exceptions. In the long-past twentieth century hundreds of thousands of Italian soldiers were sent to the steppes of Russia wearing tennis shoes, but to my knowledge the prestige of the High Command at the time remained intact. It is the Commander's decisiveness that assures the soldier's heroism.

Long live the Universe!

(signed) General Giansaverio Rebaudengo

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: HIGH COMMAND

TO: QUARTERMASTER HQ

BETELGEUSE

SHOCKED BY IRREGULAR VARIETY RATIONS AND ALARMED BY EXCESSIVE CULINARY PERMISSIVENESS UNDERMINING TRADITIONS AND DISCIPLINE OUR GLORIOUS ARMY STOP AS OF TODAY ALL VICTUALS MUST CONFORM TO STANDARD FORMAT FOR ALL TROOPS FEDERATED GALAXIES NAMELY FIVE HECTOGRAMS HARDTACK ONE TIN FROZEN MEAT FOUR CHOCOLATE BARS ONE DECILITER GRAPPA STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: QUARTERMASTER HQ

BETELGEUSE

TO: HIGH COMMAND

CASINO

RESPECTFULLY REMIND HIGH COMMAND BIOLOGICAL DIVERGENCES AMONG VARIOUS UNITS INTERGALACTIC ARMY STOP FOR EXAMPLE ALTAIR SOLDIERS CUSTOMARY DAILY CONSUMPTION THREE HUNDRED SIXTY KILOGRAMS ALTAIR GNU MEAT STOP AURIGA LIQUID SAPPERS COMPOSED EXCLUSIVELY OF ETHYL ALCOHOLS HENCE GRAPPA RATION OFFENSIVE TO THEM SUGGESTING CANNIBALISM STOP HOOKS MILITIA OF BELLATRIX CONFIRMED VEGETARIANS WHEREAS CHASSEURS FROM COMA BERENICES NORMALLY FEED ON LOCAL HAIRLESS BIPED GAME HENCE SOME DEPLORABLE MISUNDERSTANDINGS WHEN CHASSEURS DEVOURED ENTIRE BATTALION MOUNTAIN TROOPS MISTAKING THEM FOR RATIONS SHIPMENT STOP IN THIS REGARD WE WOULD AGAIN UNDERLINE IMPOSSIBILITY OF STANDARDIZING UNIFORMS AS PER HIGH COMMAND ORDER STOP IMPOSSIBLE FIT STANDARD TUNIC AND LEGGINGS TO SOLDIERS EIGHT METERS TALL WITH FIVE ARMS WHEREAS STANDARD ISSUE TROUSERS TOTALLY UNSUITABLE FOR VERMIFORM TROOPS STOP URGE PROMPT DECISION RECOMMENDING FLEXIBILITY RECOGNIZING VARYING BIOLOGICAL DEMANDS STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL PERCUOCO

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: HIGH COMMAND, CASINO

TO: GENERAL PERCUOCO

QUARTERMASTER HQ

BETELGEUSE

QUIT BELLYACHING STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

***

Confidential Report

To: Army Command, Vallodolid, Europe

cc.: Galactic Corps Command, Sol III

This Intergalactic Accounting Office has learned that Vallodolid Drivers have been counterfeiting gasoline coupons and then selling stolen Army fuel on the intergalactic black market. The disciplinary committee immediately created by this office, after eight years' work checking all relevant files and the invoices and receipts of the Valladolid Accounting Office, has ascertained that, as of today, nine repeat nine drums of gasoline have disappeared. The inquiry has been temporarily suspended because, since it is conducted by the scrupulous computerists of Bootes, who on Earth must be kept constantly in decompression chambers operated on strontium 90, the investigation has to date cost eighty thousand intergalactic credits, the equivalent of three million old Canadian dollars. We request the above Headquarters to authorize continuation of the inquiry until those responsible are identified.

Intergalactic Finance Command

Arcturus (Boötes)

Confidential Report

To: Intergalactic Finance Command

Arcturus (Bootes)

At the request of the local Finance Command I have carried out a rigorous inquiry into the disappearance of the nine drums of gasoline and have reached the following conclusions: the fuel was shipped from Bilbao on contraband aerorockets from Saturn and then transferred to Algol (Perseus) where said liquid (high-octane) is considered alcoholic beverage. It has not been possible to identify the whole chain of responsibility because of a conflict of jurisdiction connected with the transfer from Earth to Perseus. On Sol III, in fact, the problem would be handled by the Motor Vehicles Department, whereas on Perseus it is dealt with by Quartermaster. Suggest therefore referring the whole case to the High Command Military Spacetransport Headquarters, Procyon, as per memo No. 367/00/C112, headed "internal contraband."

HQ

Guardia Civil

Valladolid

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: HEADQUARTERS

MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT

TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE

ARCTURUS (BOOTES)

GASOLINE DRUMS CASE REPORTED ON FORM 367/00/C112 NOT PERTINENT RESPONSIBILITIES THIS HQ AS AEROROCKETS LEAVING BILBAO FOR PROCYON MUST CARRY OUT RELATIVIZA-TION IN HYPERSPACE THUS ARRIVING DESTINATION THREE HUNDRED YEARS PRIOR TO DEPARTURE STOP PROBLEM THEREFORE RE-FERRABLE TO MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE VELLETRI AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P STOP

(SIGNED) HQ MILITARY SPACETRANSPORT

***

ASTROGRAM

FROM: MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE

VELLETRI

TO: HQ INTERGALACTIC FINANCE

ARCTURUS (BOÖTES)

REGRET UNABLE PROCESS YOUR REPORT AS PER FORM 450/00/SS/99/P HISTORICAL ARCHIVE BECAUSE OF INSUFFICIENT STAFF STILL OCCUPIED CATALOGUING MATERIAL FOR PERIOD BETWEEN BATTLE LEPANTO AND BOER WAR STOP

(SIGNED) MILITARY HISTORICAL ARCHIVE

***

Memo from General Rebaudengo

To: Intergalactic Finance Command

Arcturus (Boötes)

What's all this about some gasoline drums? Gasoline has not been used as fuel by the army since 1999 of the so-called Vulgar Era. And what is a Motor Vehicles Department doing in Valladolid?

Rebaudengo

***

Intergalactic Finance HQ

Arcturus (Boötes)

General, we quite understand your amazement, but this Command, faithful to the motto of the Intergalactic Finance Corps ("hang on"), still has to process dossiers inherited from former Military Administrations, all passed on to our Bootes archive. Actually, the file in question refers to events of several hundred years ago, but we are nevertheless able to confirm that in Valladolid a Motor Vehicles HQ does exist. The fact that this HQ no longer controls motor vehicles lies outside our area of responsibility, but we are aware that the National Petroleum Board still extant in Vinotria produces gasoline specifically for that HQ, perhaps in compliance with ancient orders not yet countermanded. Indeed, we cannot help wondering why a National Petroleum Board still exists, but exist it does, with its main office in Rome, in the same building that houses the Pension Office for Refugees from the African Colonies and the Honors Commission for awards to victims of the Napoleonic invasion.

Commanding General

Arthur Arcturus, Arcturus (Boötes)

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Confidential Memorandum

From: GHQ, Casino

To: Intergalactic Finance Command

Guardia Civil, Valladolid

Military Historical Archive, Velletri

Headquarters, Military Spacetransport

CO, Galactic Corps, Sol III

Mindful of the motto of my old regiment ("Quieta non movere, mota quietare"), I recommend shelving the entire question discussed in previous correspondence. Respect for tradition is the sustaining strength of our Glorious Army; I would therefore consider it ill-advised and impertinent to question the historic function and the fealty to the Constitution of the glorious Motor Vehicles Bureau of Valladolid, undoubtedly covered with glory in some engagement somewhere in the distant past. If, by venturing to cast doubt on the operation of some heroic unit, I caused the army to sense a lack of trust in its superior officers and in public opinion, the resultant psychological trauma would sap the devotion to duty, the spirit of self-sacrifice, the promptitude, and the morale of both the soldiers and their officers, at every level.

Inquiry shelved.

General Giansaverio Rebaudengo

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Ethnic Relativity Studies Center

Alpha Centauri

To: General Rebaudengo

As the matter of the "Valladolid gasoline" consumed on Algol as a beverage has been brought by chance to Your Excellency's attention, we would point out that this case is not unique. The army must bear in mind the awkward situations deriving from the divergences in prevalent customs and practices among components of the Intergalactic Army. For example, on receiving word of an ophthalmic epidemic among the Briareians of Regulus, the Betelgeuse Quartermaster Corps shipped to that base one hundred thousand hectoliters of boric acid solution for therapeutic purposes, unaware that on that planet boric acid is (illicitly) used as a drug. It would therefore be necessary that the various substances handled by the army be catalogued according to all their possible uses. We suggest use of the Koenig-Stumpf matrix forms, which allow (83,000)² different combinations.

Dr. Malinowski

Director, Studies Center

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Ethnic Relativity Studies Center

Alpha Centauri

To: General Rebaudengo

Your Excellency, we would like to express our thanks to you for having accepted our recommendations, but we venture to suggest that you may have been over-hasty in entrusting the compilation of the Koenig-Stumpf matrix forms to the Altair mechanographic center. These forms, in fact, posit a non-Euclidean geometry of Riemannian origin and require a modal logic. The natives of Altair, in contrast, think in monovalent terms (for them either a thing is or it is) and measure space according to a geometry known as hypoeuclidean or Abbott's geometry, which posits a single dimension. We would further remind you of the unfortunate incident on Altair after the attempt—despite the Altairians' ability to recognize only one color—to introduce varicolored shoulder patches to distinguish the various units. To be frank, we wonder how a mechanographic center can even exist on Altair, since the natives are unable to perceive three-dimensional objects. In moments of discouragement we also wonder why anything exists on Altair, if it does exist. The only documentation to date of the existence of any form of life on that star comes from the ESP center on Mount Wilson, reportedly in telepathic contact with the inhabitants.

Respectfully yours,

Dr. Malinowski

Director, Studies Center

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ASTROGRAM

FROM: GHQ

TO: POLICE COMMAND, CENTAUR CONSTELLATION

AND TO: PLANETARY POLICE HQ, SOL III

ORDER IMMEDIATE ARREST DOCTOR MALINOWSKI FOR SLANDERING GLORIOUS MILITARY FORCES ALTAIR STOP ALSO ORDER CLOSURE MOUNT WILSON ESP CENTER STOP INCONCEIVABLE THAT MILITARY CENTER STAFF SPEND ALL DAY THINKING STOP NO LOAFERS GOLDBRICKERS TOLERATED STOP CENTER WILL REOPEN ONLY WHEN ALL TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION CAN BE RECORDED STOP IN TRIPLICATE STOP

(SIGNED) GENERAL GIANSAVERIO REBAUDENGO

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ASTROGRAM

FROM: ADVANCE POST

SMALL MAGELLANIC CLOUD

TO: INTERGALACTIC GHQ

CASINO, MONACO

AND TO: OFFICE, FEDERATION PRESIDENT

LA TURBIE

REPORTS FROM FARTHEST CONFINE KNOWN UNIVERSE WARN OF ADVANCE UNIDENTIFIED FLYING OBJECTS STOP FLYING SAPPER PATROL FROM CANOPUS DESTROYED BY INVADER UNITS STOP INVADERS PRESUMED ARRIVING FROM HYPERZONE UNIVERSE STOP THEIR DESTRUCTIVE POWER DERIVED FROM UNKNOWN ENERGY SOURCE THREATENS SURVIVAL INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION STOP INSTRUCTIONS URGENT AS POSSIBLE THE

(MESSAGE INCOMPLETE)

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ASTROGRAM

FROM: OFFICE, FEDERATION PRESIDENT

TO: INTERGALACTIC GHQ

FOR FIRST TIME IN ITS HISTORY FEDERATION MUST CONFRONT EXTERNAL ENEMY STOP PREPARE IMMEDIATE DEFENSE STOP REASSURED BY NOBLE MILITARY TRADITION OUR ARMY AND INVALUABLE EXPERIENCE OUR SUPERIOR OFFICERS IN THIS TRAGIC AND HISTORIC EVENT STOP GENERAL REBAUDENGO ASSUMING TOTAL COMMAND OPERATIONS STOP

(SIGNED) PRESIDENT LA BARBERA

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ASTROGRAM

FROM: INTERGALACTIC GHQ

CASINO

TO ALL OPERATIVE UNITS

UNIVERSE

OFFICERS NONCOMMISSIONED OFFICERS SOLDIERS STOP HOUR OF DESTINY IS KNOCKING AT GATES OF FEDERATED GALAXIES STOP OUR PROMPT RESPONSE OUR SELF-SACRIFICE OUR EFFICIENCY IN TACTICS AND STRATEGY WILL DECIDE FATE OF OUR HOMELAND STOP EACH OF US MUST TAKE UP HIS POST AND THERE MUST BE A POST FOR EACH STOP ASSUMING DIRECT COMMAND OF OPERATIONS I ORDER ALL MOBILE UNITS OF SOLAR SYSTEM TO ENTRENCH ALONG MARNE STOP IV CORPS ARMY BASED ON BOOTES WILL OCCUPY STATIONS OF MAGINOT LINE DUNKIRK BASTOGNE STOP ARMY CORPS STATIONED ON PLEIADES AND SPECIAL UNITS OF OCTOPODS OF SERPENTARIUS ENCAMP IN ARDENNES STOP ARMORED UNITS OF LIQUID SHARPSHOOTERS OF AURIGA HOLD MONTE GRAPPA STOP ESSENTIAL PROVIDE DECOMPRESSION CHAMBERS AND SOLIDIFICATION SPACES ABOVE 118 METERS STOP DEATH PERSEIDS OF ALGOL WILL HOLD LEFT BANK OF RHINE WITH BOAT BRIDGES READY STOP DRILLERS OF PLUTO PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO PEARL HARBOR AND DIG IN STOP ALL OTHER UNITS AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS IN WATERLOO PLAIN STOP WE SHALL DEFEND OUR GALAXY AT WHATEVER COST STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON NEBULAS STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON ASTEROIDS STOP WE SHALL FIGHT ON EVERY MOON AND EVERY CONSTELLATION STOP FOR GOD GALAXY AND SAINT GEORGE STOP

1976