Hussy

Chapter Nine

School wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be, when she went back a week later, after Zach deemed her “healed”-at least, on the outside-although teachers and students alike remarked on Lindsey’s sudden, subdued nature. She also heard them talking behind her back about the sudden appearance of jeans without holes ripped through in the seat and tops that actually covered her midriff.

They’d gone back to her house briefly to gather some of her clothes and things-she made sure both cars were gone before they chanced it-but after reviewing the wardrobe she’d chosen to throw into the big white garbage bag they carried out to the Camaro, Zach insisted on taking her to the mall to do some shopping. And when she went, out of habit, to look for a tube top to wear to school that first day, she couldn’t even find one in the drawers Zach had cleared for her to use-her new clothes were folded neatly, button-down shirts and crisp new jeans-but all of her old clothes had disappeared.

Zach, of course, feigned innocence, even when she pummeled his back with her fists and pinched his sides, insisting, “You do so know where they are!” He just laughed, shrugged, and gathered her up, still fighting, to kiss her quiet.

So she felt like a complete geek that first day, and even considered ripping out the seat of her jeans-but the guilt of knowing how much Zach had charged on his credit card for their little shopping trip kept her from actually taking scissors from the office to the bathroom with her to go through with her little plan. She even resisted the temptation to unbutton the bottom of her shirt and tie it up high under her breasts.

Instead, she sat quietly in her seat and pretended she was impervious to the stares and the whispers and the double-takes, even from the teachers. There was only another week left of school, anyway. For Zach, she could endure that long. That’s what she told herself, and when she walked home every day-his apartment was in easy walking distance from school-letting herself in with the key he’d had made at the local hardware store and even starting dinner before he got home. She knew just from the light, easy way she could breathe, the absence of dread, that it was true.

The only thing looming was Zach’s upcoming deployment, and she tried her best not to think about it. That, and the nightmares, which had started after that first night and had continued at least once a night, since. Sometimes she woke him with her panic and he would hold her, but mostly she trembled beside him in the dark, eyes wide, the sheets wet with her sweat, staring up at the ceiling and remembering while he slept beside her, oblivious. If Zach had known, he would have been angry, of course, and insisted she wake him. But she wouldn’t. If nothing else, she had learned to keep things to herself.

Although, with Zach, that talent was fading-keeping things from him was getting harder and harder. Her emotions seemed to spill over when he was around, no matter what she did. Like when they saw Brian in the Sav-Way while they were grocery shopping.

“So what do you want for graduation?” Zach asked, taking out the powdered donuts she’d put into the basket and replacing them with a loaf of wheat bread.

Lindsey sighed, eyeing the little chocolate ones instead. “A diploma.”

“Don’t even think about it.” He took the donut box from the hand behind her back, putting them back on the shelf. “I meant besides a diploma.”

She followed him down the aisle with a shrug. “I don’t know. Got another Camaro lying around?”

He snorted, steering the cart around the corner. “Okay, something bigger than a diploma, but smaller than a Camaro.”

Lindsey didn’t really hear him. Brian was stocking laundry detergent on the end cap, his head down as he moved the inventory from box to shelf. He hadn’t seen her, but she knew he would the minute he glanced up. Zach steered the cart around him, apologizing, and she told herself to move, to follow, to pretend, but her body was frozen in place. She didn’t know how they’d avoided each other so far-her computer lab was right next to his English class-but they had. Until now.

“Lindsey?” Zach called her name, and the sound of it brought Brian’s head up like a shot, his eyes wide. Zach’s face scrunched in concern at her expression, but she couldn’t hide it, her gaze dipping down to meet Brian’s startled one.

“Hi, Brian.” She couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Hi.” His response came in almost a whisper, his face paling even more as Zach maneuvered the cart back toward them.

“Someone you know?” Zach inquired, his smile tight as he glanced down at the kid in the red vest stocking shelves. Lindsey didn’t have any idea what to say.

“From school.” Brian stood quickly-the top of his head didn’t even come to Zach’s shoulder-and held out a hand to Zach, who shook it. “I’m Brian. Lindsey and I had chem together last year.”

“Right,” Lindsey agreed with a nod, noting Zach’s preoccupied and calculating expression. She didn’t want to give him that much time to think about it. “See you Monday?”

“Sure.” Brian kept sneaking looks up at Zach, and he looked more than a little scared. Lindsey wondered if she had a similar look on her face-she felt like she did, and like Brian, she just couldn’t help it. “See ya Monday.”

Lindsey slipped between them and tugged at the front edge of the cart, leading Zach toward the next aisle-frozen foods, including ice cream, the perfect distraction.

“Moose Tracks?” She opened one of the glass doors, the cool blast of air over her too-warm face a relief. She grabbed a quart of ice cream, holding it up for Zach to see. “Please? Pretty please?”

“That’s Neapolitan.” Zach took it from her, putting it back on the shelf and grabbing a carton with antlers on it. “What was that about?”

“Must have been having bad flashbacks to elementary school birthday parties,” she joked, tugging on the cart again.

“Not the ice cream-that kid back there.” Zach’s grip on the cart now made it impossible to move.

She sighed, giving up the tug of war, and told him part of the truth. “Just a guy I used to hang out with… before.”

“Hang out?” He raised his eyebrows, already knowing.

She rolled her eyes, taking advantage of the moment to tug the cart again. “Don’t make me say it, okay?”

He gave in, moving along with the cart. “You sure that’s all?”

“Waffles!” Lindsey pulled Eggos out of the freezer with a grin, another distraction.

Zach put them back. “If you want waffles, I’ll make you real waffles.”

“You promise?”

He nudged her with the cart. “How about waffles on graduation day?”

“I have to wait a week for waffles?” She pouted.

“Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for.”

She didn’t respond to that, but she flushed, accepting the kiss he put on the top of her head as he piled the cart with frozen vegetables and then headed toward the checkout. Lindsey snuck a pack of gum and a box of Tic-Tacs onto the conveyor belt and Zach didn’t notice until the last second, when the cashier, a blonde with a nose ring, held it up and asked, “Do you want these left out?”

“Thanks!” Lindsey snagged them, giving Zach a grin before slipping them into her jeans pocket. He shook his head, but forked over his credit card without any reprimand and signed his name in a quick scrawl.

“Quarter.” She held out her hand as they neared the machines, their fat glass jars revealing all sorts of cheap treasure, their red-painted tops screaming, “Stop here!”

Zach dug into his front jeans pocket, pulling out the required coin. “Which one this time?”

“Let’s try fancy jewelry.” Lindsey slid the quarter into the slot and turned the knob, hearing the gears inside click, loving the sound of the little plastic tub hitting the metal door.

“Wait a minute.” He pressed his hand against hers as she reached for the metal flap, holding it there. “I want to tell you something.”

The look on his face made her heart thud faster. “What?”

“I love you.” His eyes softened as he studied her, looking up at him puzzled as carts pushed by, letting in the heat of the summer to compete with the store’s air conditioning with every pneumatic swing. “I don’t care who you’ve been with. I don’t care about anything that happened before. You know that, right?”

She nodded, still not quite believing it could be true, but wanting to-desperately wanting to.

“But I don’t want you to be with anyone else but me anymore, Lindsey.” His mouth tightened for a moment and she knew he was thinking about Brian. God, if he knew the truth… she blinked the thought away, looking up at him. He was serious now. “I’m going to be gone for months, and I want to trust you. I want to know you’re not going to run off to have a fling with some guy, just because you start feeling bad about yourself.”

Her throat tightened and she blinked at him, unable to respond.

“I want you to be mine, baby.” He touched her cheek, rubbing his thumb over her jaw line. “Forever. Can you do that? Will you do that?”

“Oh Zach.” Her eyes filled with tears. Then he did something more than a little surprising. He sank to one knee on the grocery store tile in front of her. Panicked, she looked around to see who was looking, noting the indulgent smile of a woman with a fat little toddler in her cart as she passed by. Lindsey stage-whispered to him, “What are you doing?”

“If there’s not a ring in here, I’m going to feel like a real idiot.” He grinned, lifting up the metal flap on the machine. A clear plastic tub with a blue cap dropped into his hand. He popped the top off and pulled out the ring inside-it was, indeed, a ring, quite apropos, with two connected silver hearts squeezed together in the center. “We’re in luck.”

“Oh my god.” Lindsey grinned back at him and bit her lip as he held it up.

“Lindsey, will you marry me?”

There was a crowd gathering now-the mother with the toddler had looked back and caught on to what was happening and stopped in the doorway, blocking the exit. Carts were backing up behind her, and they were all watching. Lindsey’s face burned, but tears stung her eyes as she flung her arms around his neck.

“Yes,” she whispered against his ear, trying hard not to cry in the middle of the grocery store. “I’m all yours.”

He grinned up at her, and she couldn’t help laughing at his goofy expression-he knew it was silly, a proposal with a fake ring in the middle of Sav-Way-but Zach’s hand actually shook as he slid the silver ring onto the appropriate finger, and she knew it wasn’t a joke. Not really. The look in his eyes told her that. He really loved her, he wanted her, and he was willing to claim her.

“She said yes?” the woman with the toddler called. She was grinning, too.

Lindsey nodded. “Yes!” she called back as Zach stood and pulled her into his arms, kissing her hard in front of everyone. That’s when they all started cheering, and she laughed through her tears, looking over to see the little girl in the cart, clapping along with everyone else, but looking bewildered. Lindsey knew just how she felt.

There were various congratulations as the line began to move again, and carts filed out of the store. Lindsey didn’t say anything as they got in line and Zach pushed them out to the parking lot and started loading up the trunk.

“My finger’s going to be green in twenty-four hours.” She grinned as she leaned against the side of the car, squeezing the two hearts together to make the ring stay on better.

“I know.” He laughed. “I promise, I’ll get you a real one when I come home.”

“I like this one.” Lindsey leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’m going to keep it.”

He stopped loading groceries to put his arms around her and kiss her again, soft this time, but full of something she knew he’d been holding back for a long time, and that sent a familiar feeling tingling through her body as she pressed herself back against him, wanting him, too. He nuzzled her neck, her ear, and whispered, “I’m going to keep you.”

“Promise?” she teased.

“Yeah, I do.” He kissed her again in response, deeper this time, longer. She gasped when they parted and he grinned. “So, now what do you want for graduation?”

“Nothing.” She pressed her cheek against his chest, smiling across the parking lot and watching the young mother load her groceries and toddler into her car. “I have everything I want.”

* * * *

“You’re amazing!”

Lindsey blushed, nudging Zach with her bare knee as she typed away on his laptop. The phone rang, but Zach had it set to go straight to message. Lindsey frowned when she heard her mother’s voice.

“Do you want me to get that?” he asked.

“No.” She made a face at the phone. “Don’t.”

“I had no idea you could do that.” He changed the subject, watching, incredulous, as she saved the spreadsheet she’d created so he could keep track of his new recruits.

“This is nothing.” Lindsey snorted. “I used to hack into the school’s computer mainframe all the time. When my stepdad started complaining about my grades, they suddenly got a lot better.”

Zach raised his eyebrows, shaking his head. “If only I could get you to use your powers for good.”

“But being bad can feel so good,” she teased, closing the laptop and setting it on the coffee table before swinging her leg over to straddle him.

He groaned when she pulled her robe apart-that was new, too, red satin and short-to reveal she wasn’t wearing anything underneath. The herbal baths Zach insisted she take after dinner every night had really helped heal her body much faster than she thought possible and her hair was still damp as she leaned in to kiss him. He tasted like the sweet ginger she’d used in the stir-fry she’d made for dinner.

“Let’s be bad,” she whispered, moving her hips in little circles, feeling him thickening through his jeans.

His hands moved under her robe, over the smooth expanse of her back, making her eyes close with pleasure. He’d touched her since-to bandage her, care for her-but they hadn’t touched each other like this, and she had that desperate, hungry feeling in her belly.

“Are you sure you’re ready for that?” His voice was controlled and cautious, but his eyes devoured the sight of her straddling his lap.

She took his hand and slid it between her thighs, kneeling up to give him better access. “More than ready, I think… ”

He groaned as he slipped a finger between her smooth-shaved lips and Lindsey rocked her hips forward and back in response, sliding her pussy against his hand.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured as he slid a finger inside, making her gasp at the sweet sensation.

“You can’t possibly.” She leaned in, offering her breasts, and he closed his eyes and gave in, sucking gently at first one, then the other. The black and blue marks there had faded to pale yellow shadows, and the pink buds of her nipples grew cherry red and hard under the slow lash of his tongue.

But she couldn’t take too much of that focused attention, and she slithered down between his thighs, unzipping his jeans and freeing his cock. He was rock hard, standing straight up, and he watched her through half-closed eyes as she worked her tongue around the head and down the shaft over and over, bathing him with her saliva.

“Come here,” he murmured, tugging on her arm, but she didn’t want to break the suction on his cock, swallowing almost half of him. When she resisted, he reached down and grabbed her hips, pulling her horizontal beside him on the sofa so he could reach underneath her, tweaking her nipples as she slid him further and further into her throat. The size of him made her gag, but she persisted, hungry and eager.

“Don’t choke, baby,” he urged, his breath coming faster as she worked between his legs, her hair falling in a silken cascade over his thighs.

“I like it,” she gasped, giving up her mission only momentarily.

He groaned as she resumed her furious pace, her hand cupping the heavy weight of his balls, massaging gently, feeling them getting tighter and tighter as he groaned in pleasure. His hand slipped further down her belly, finding her clit and rubbing it, first back and forth, then round and round, her hips involuntarily following the same motion.

“Ahhhh god, baby, you’re gonna-”

Lindsey squeezed the head of his cock-hard-coming up for air and admiring the shiny wet swollen head, nearly purple in color now, a product of her hard work.

“Oh no you don’t,” she warned, climbing into his lap and rubbing the tip back and forth between her slit. He gasped, his eyes closing, his mouth tightening, lips pursed. “I want you in me.”

“Wait,” he murmured, shaking his head and grabbing her hips, sliding her further up so she was straddling his belly. “You do that now and it’ll be over in seconds.”

“I don’t mind.” She nuzzled his ear, gasping in surprise when he stood with her in his arms, stepping out of his jeans and boxers as he headed toward the bedroom.

“I mind,” he said, kissing her onto the bed, his tongue following a quick, determined path down her belly before she could even get the words out to protest, his mouth covering her mound.

“Zach,” she objected, trying to wiggle away, but his hands on her hips held her fast, his tongue moving in delicious circles against her clit, not teasing, going straight for her pleasure center, focusing there. Her hands pressed his, useless against his strength, at first trying to dislodge him, and then, as the sensation grew, grabbing at him, pulling, her hips rolling under the hungry caress of his tongue.

“Oh god, oh no,” she whimpered as his hands moved from her hips to her breasts, his fingers nudging her nipples hard, his tongue unwavering. She tried to fight the feeling, writhing on the bed as if his actions were painful, and in a way, they were-surrendering herself to her own pleasure, to his attention, made her shudder in torment.

But eventually, he won out, and she resigned herself to the humbling and powerfully slick frenzy between her thighs, her nails digging into his arms as she gave him her climax, hips pumping, thighs trembling, her soft cries of pleasure betraying the sweet torture of her body. She was glad Zach took his time as her breathing returned to normal again, kissing her pussy lips, her thighs, his hands roaming the soft curves of her hips and belly and breasts-she didn’t think she could look into his eyes again so soon.

But then he was there, on her, sliding into her, whispering, “Are you sure?” Her only response was to meet his first thrust with her own and she buried her face against his neck as he began to move. Nothing had prepared her, nothing could have. She’d never felt this way before, and while her panicked mind raced, her body inevitably responded, giving into the weight and drive and purpose of him.

“Zach,” she whispered, wanting to ask him to stop, to never stop, afraid of what was coming, and aching for it at the same time. “Oh please… ”

He slowed, his cock throbbing between her legs, and she squeezed him with her muscles, an encouragement, making him groan.

“Are you okay?” He searched her face for a sign, and she swallowed, fighting to keep it in, everything in, just nodding. His head cocked as he looked at her, and then he rolled, taking her with him, and she found herself straddling him in the middle of the bed. She could do this-her robe slid down over her shoulders, and then she went to work on the buttons on his shirt, spreading it so she could run her hands over the hard muscles of his chest and belly. When they were naked, she began to ride him, rocking forward and back at first, then rolling her hips, making him moan and grab her ass as she moved.

She hadn’t counted on his hands spanning her little hips, his thumbs opening her pussy lips, trapping her clit between them as she fucked him faster and faster. The feeling was maddening, driving her to distraction, until she forget entirely about getting him off and focused solely on the hot friction between her legs as he strummed her clit.

“Come for me, baby,” he said as she balanced herself with her hands splayed on his chest, feeling weak, lightheaded, unable to control herself or anything at all. “Come on, Lindsey. Give it to me.”

She gasped, the heat between them too incredible to resist, and she gave him exactly what he wanted, shuddering with her orgasm, her thighs and pussy squeezing him, her hands balled into fists, still fighting, but there was no point anymore. Collapsing against his chest, she buried her face against the side of his sweat-slick neck, and he wrapped one arm around her waist, the other hand he used to grip her ass and guide himself into her.

“You feel so good,” he groaned, his cock thrusting up, in, over and over. “God, you’re so sweet, so good… ” She shook her head, but hung on tight, taking him into her again and again. “Oh baby, I’m going to come so hard!”

She gasped as he thrust one last time, deep and hard, driving them both up off the bed with it. He held her to him so tightly she thought she might break, but she didn’t care, clinging to him as he spilled himself completely into her. His cock pulsed between her thighs, and she squeezed him, making him shudder and growl and thrust again. He held on when she went to move, not letting her go, his hands moving over her back, through her hair, his breathing still harsh and ragged as he kissed her mouth, her cheek, her ear, the top of her head.

“Are you okay?” he asked again, trying to get her to lift her head so he could see her eyes. She shook her head, feeling the sobs welling, and knew she was going to be unable to stop them. Her quivering body gave her away before the wetness of her tears did, and Zach sat up, cradling her in his lap.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he murmured, sounding pained, and Lindsey took a deep, hitching breath, trying to speak, but she couldn’t form words. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Damnit… ”

Instead, she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him through her tears, her mouth slanting across his as if she could devour him. He searched her face when they parted and she laughed, she couldn’t help it, laughed and cried at the same time.

“I’m fine,” she gasped, wrapping her arms around his neck, settling deep into his lap as he pulled the covers over them. “You didn’t hurt me. You didn’t… I’m just… I’m… ”

He kissed the top of her head as she was overcome with a deep sob again, and then she laughed through her tears, looking up at him with more bewilderment and love than she’d ever felt for anyone or anything, sounding incredulous as the words spilled out: “I’m happy.”

He smiled softly, folding her against him completely. “That makes two of us.”

* * * *

Lindsey’s head was spinning, and she might not have even seen them if it hadn’t been for the cell phone Zach had insisted on buying for her sounding its “Coldplay” ringtone from her purse. She was practically skipping, planning a big, special dinner, and how she was going to tell him about the job interview at the recruiting office-she’d gotten it, all thanks to him, she was sure, and his bragging about her computer skills-and her subsequent registration at ITT Tech, where she would learn, at least more officially, how to do what she longed to on computers.

Although she felt a little guilty about all the money Zach had spent on her since she moved in, at least now she had both the possibility and opportunity to start paying her own way. The thought was both so exhilarating and scary she could barely contain it, and when the phone rang, she was sure it was Zach-who else had the number, after all? — and she was going to spill it all before she could make any more dreamy little plans.

She stopped on the street corner-the bus stop was just around it, anyway-and began to dig for the phone, letting people pass her as she searched. It stopped before she found it, and she swore, sifting through lipgloss and gum, hearing the sound indicating someone had left a message. She had her hand on the phone, finally, and that’s when she looked up and saw him.

They were building a book store across the street, a big steel two-story deal, lots of girders and mortar, and the construction was in full swing. There, standing half-behind an expanse of bright orange netting meant to keep the public out, she was sure, was one of the men who had raped her-not the one she’d labeled Smooth, the one with the easy, fluid voice, but the other one, Gritty, the one who had, she remembered and actually gagged standing there on the street corner, come in her mouth that night.

He was wearing a hard hat and writing something on a clipboard, his face slightly in shadow, but she knew him, would have known him anywhere. Then Smooth appeared behind him, and they faced each other, talking. Lindsey thought she might faint as she pressed herself back against the brick of the store behind her, looking for something solid to hold her up.

When the phone rang again in her hand, which was still half-buried in her purse, she startled and yanked it out, looking at the display. It was Zach. Oh, thank God. She flipped it open, pressed the phone to her ear, and whispered, “They’re right across the street.”

“Lindsey? Hello?”

Her voice was choked as she shrank against the building, praying they wouldn’t look over, wouldn’t see her, but she seemed unable to move. “Zach, I saw them. Both of them. The men who… who… ”

“Where are you?” He understood, she could tell.

“The corner of… ” She glanced up to be sure. “Woodward and Ten. They’re right across the street at the construction site. Right now. They’re just standing there talking-”

“I’m going to hang up and call the police. There’s a hardware store there on the corner, right?”

She looked behind her, seeing red brick, but she knew the area well enough-her back was against the outside wall of the hardware store. “Yeah.”

“Go inside. Tell them someone was bothering you, and the police are on their way. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes. The police will probably be there before me.” He swore under his breath. “Do you hear me?”

“Yes,” she agreed, inching her way around the corner toward the hardware store door, feeling her way for the entrance. She couldn’t take her eyes off the two of them, both laughing at some joke now.

“Do exactly as I say,” he insisted. “I’ll call you back in two minutes.”

The line went dead. She slipped into the store, heart beating hard, breathing too fast, and she took a cart just to steady herself as she walked. It was more like five minutes before he called her back-she’d already told the first cashier she came to, a young girl with spiky black hair and a coiled tattoo on her neck, whose mascara-rimmed eyes grew wider and wider as Lindsey talked until she finally ran to get her manager.

The older man was more helpful, leading Lindsey to the back office, offering her a seat, bottled water. She accepted both, and was just taking a long drink when the phone rang again.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m in the store,” she said, smiling at the concerned-looking manager, who kept taking his wireless glasses off and wiping them on his shirt. “They’re nice. They let me wait in the office.”

“Good.” He sounded a little less tense. “I’m on my way. The police should be there in a few minutes. They’re sending an unmarked car. It was in the area.”

“Okay.” The thought of talking to the police made her stomach lurch and she closed her eyes, swallowing hard. “What… what are we going to do?”

“You’re going to tell them.”

She whimpered. “I want to go home.”

“I’ll be there to get you. Just a few more minutes, baby. I promise.”

“I feel like I’m falling.” She did. The world was spinning.

“You’ll want to put your head between your knees… ” The man with the glasses looked concerned.

“It’s okay,” Zach said, his voice choked. “I’ll catch you, remember?”

She looked up at the sound of someone in the doorway. “They’re here.”

“Tell them everything,” he insisted.

“Okay.” She looked at the man in uniform standing in the doorway and wondered if she could.

“I love you, Lindsey.”

“I love you, too.”

She looked up at the cop, opened her mouth, and told him everything.

It was from the back of the unmarked cruiser parked on the street that she identified them both. And a few moments later, Zach’s car pulled up behind them. The cop was suspicious when Zach knocked on the driver’s side window, but Lindsey’s relieved, “Zach! Oh, thank God!” was enough to convince him that it was safe to roll it down.

“Let me out!” Lindsey pulled on the door handle, locked from the inside.

The cop got out to talk to Zach, but left her inside, and the longer they stood there, the more panicked she felt. When the door finally opened, she flew into Zach’s arms and he held her tight as she trembled against him.

“Can we go home?” she whispered. “Can we go home now?”

“Yeah, he said we can go. Come on.” He put her in the car and slid into the driver’s side. Lindsey didn’t talk on the way, letting him hold her hand while he drove with the other.

But there was a message on the machine when they got home that made Lindsey curl into a fetal ball on the couch.

“I can’t,” she wailed as Zach knelt beside her, brushing the hair out of her face. “I can’t!”

“Yes you can.”

She tried to imagine it-like every bad Law and Order, standing behind two-way glass, facing them, knowing they couldn’t see you, but still…

“And you will. Come on.”

She thought of Brian and the games she had played leading up to that night. He hadn’t meant for it to happen that way, she knew it, but if she stood up and started pointing fingers, he would be in just as much trouble. That weighed on her, but the thought of the things she’d done, the way she’d dressed, acted, instigated, the men she’d let feel her up, fuck her, use her-she pulled the sofa pillow out from under her head and pressed it over her flushed face to hide it.

“You don’t understand,” she whispered, when Zach pulled the pillow away and made her face him. “It went all wrong that night, I know. It wasn’t supposed to… be like that. But I… I… ” She closed her eyes, unable to look into his. “I went there to meet them. I knew… I knew what could happen.”

“Did you say no?” Zach asked quietly, and she felt his hand in her hair again, stroking gently.

She remembered, and knew she had, clearly and unequivocally. She’d told them no over and over, and it just made things worse instead of better.

“Yeah.” She opened her eyes, looking at him through prisms. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve it. How many times had I said yes before that?”

“Don’t.” He shook his head. “I don’t care if you said yes until the very last minute, and then decided you didn’t want to. No means no. Period.”

She laughed, a short, strangled cry. “But ‘no’ never meant ‘no’ before… ”

“And why was that? Because no one ever listened to you when you said ‘no,’ did they?” He touched her cheek, his eyes pained. “Your stepfather didn’t listen. All the men who took advantage of you didn’t listen. Lindsey, baby, you’ve been saying ‘no’ all along. It’s just that no one was willing to stop and listen to what you actually meant.”

Everything in her went silent as she stared at him, the slow realization creeping like cold fingers up her spine. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. All that time, she’d been saying “No”-egging them on, sure, teasing them, trying her best to get herself or someone else hurt, she realized with a flush of shame-but she never once stopped saying, “No.”

“Okay.” She sat up on the couch, wiping her eyes, blinking back any more tears, and managed to give him a small, hard smile. “Let’s go.”

She was going and, not just this one time, but now and forever, “No” was going to really mean “No.”

* * * *

“Ugh, did you have to make me eat waffles?” Lindsey held her stomach as they approached the pavilion. It was crowded with a sea of kids in black robes, but there were far many more parents and siblings, grandmothers and uncles. All she had was Zach-not that she was complaining.

“You wanted waffles!” Zach laughed, tugging at the tassel on her mortarboard-a blue and white thing with a gold “2008”-making it go askew.

“Yeah, well… now I feel sick.” She straightened her cap with a frown.

“You’re going to be fine.” He kissed her cheek, pointing to a sign that read, ‘Graduates’ with an arrow pointing down a flight of stairs. “I guess that’s for you.”

“How will I find you after?” She clung to his hand, hesitating at the top of the stairs.

“I’ll wait right by this sign.” He kissed her again, properly this time, a slow, lingering heat filling her middle to replace the nausea. “Now go, before they start without you.”

She went down the stairs and packed herself into the crowd, hoping to be invisible in the sea of black. There were nearly a thousand graduates-it shouldn’t be that difficult, she reasoned. And after today, she would be free, one rite of passage into adulthood officially taken, and more to follow-including the job she’d started two days ago, and school, which wouldn’t start for another two weeks for the summer session.

Finding a spot by the wall, she sat down and waited for the organization machine to take over. It would, eventually, and then this whole thing would be over. Until then, she was going to concentrate on not being sick. The waffles Zach had brought to her in bed had been thick and rich and beyond delicious, and the sex they’d had afterward had been even better, but now it weighed heavily in her middle.

The truth was, she didn’t want Zach to leave, and it was only a few weeks away now, looming large. She couldn’t picture being on her own, couldn’t imagine life without him anymore. He thought she was afraid of Smooth and Gritty-Robert Barnes and Donald McMillan according to the police report the prosecutor had showed her during their meeting with him. And she was, a little-they were out on bail, after all, and the trial had been so far in the future, nearly a month after Zach was due home, in fact-but no one knew where she was now.

She was more afraid of herself, of what she might do while Zach was gone. And she didn’t even want to think about that.

“Hey, Lindsey.”

Startled out of her thoughts, she looked up to see Brian standing there in his graduation cap and gown. Speak of the devil, she thought, quickly standing.

“Hi.” She returned his greeting, and they stood there, lost in the awkwardness.

He finally cleared his throat. “I just wanted to say I was sorry.”

“Okay.” She nodded, wondering what he knew, how much he’d found out.

“I talked to Ralph. Those guys… I heard they were arrested.”

So he knew. “They raped me.”

“So did I.” His voice was barely a whisper, his eyes on the floor. “I didn’t mean for it to be like that. I didn’t know… ”

She put her hand on his arm. “It was bad. I’m sorry, too.”

“They’re making me testify.” He swallowed, still not looking at her. “They say they’re not going to charge me with anything, but they want me to go to court anyway.”

She’d done her best to protect him and was relieved to hear it. “It got out of hand. For both of us.”

He breathed a sigh. “I’ll say.”

“Hey, they’re making us line up.” She pointed to the front of the breezeway, where their old chem teacher was directed them into two lines-boys on one side, girls on the other. A thousand students, and she ended up next to Brian, filing two-by-two into the pavilion where family and friends were waiting to cheer as they walked across the stage to accept their respective diplomas.

He reached for and squeezed her hand just before they went out. “Happy graduation.”

“You too.”

She stepped out into the sunlight, already looking for Zach, and hoped, more than anything, that they’d both get some sort of happy ending after all.

* * * *

“I just want you to think about it.” Zach dug into his pocket for his keys as Lindsey unzipped her black graduation gown-it was incredibly hot and itchy, and she’d barely made it home without stripping it off in the car.

“I don’t need to think about it.” She slipped the gown off over the jeans and t-shirt she was wearing underneath.

“I get that you’re not ready to talk to her… ”

Lindsey picked up the puddle of black material as Zach slid the key into the apartment lock, remembering the look on her mother’s face in the pavilion. She’d found them just as Lindsey met Zach under the ‘Graduates’ sign, coming forward with congratulations and apologies and explanations. Excuses, more like it, Lindsey thought bitterly.

“She said she didn’t know,” Zach said, pushing the door open.

Lindsey snorted. “Bullshit. If I had a daughter who was doing what I was, I’d have suspected something was wrong.”

“I guess I can’t argue with you there.” He sighed.

So she said she didn’t know, Lindsey thought, tossing her cap and gown on the sofa. Her mother had found her journals, she’d said, and kicked her stepfather to the curb almost immediately. A little too late, Lindsey snorted to herself, not believing it was going to last for a minute. He’d be back, she was sure. Her mother couldn’t possibly live on her own for too long.

It was the thing she’d always hoped for, desperately wished for, and yet now that it had happened, it didn’t matter at all. She swallowed past the bitter irony of that thought as Zach put his arms around her from behind.

“When you’re ready.” He nuzzled her hair out of the way to kiss her neck. “Maybe you could just talk to her?”

She shrugged and, for his benefit, said, “I guess. Maybe.”

“So are you ready for your gift?”

She could feel him grinning already.

“What do you have up your sleeve now?”

But he didn’t have to tell her. Their voices had carried into the kitchen, and now a succession of short, plaintive yelps gave away his secret. Her eyes widened as she turned in his arms, her jaw dropping.

“You didn’t!”

He was definitely grinning. “I did.”

She squealed and took off running, stopping short at the baby gate now slung across the kitchen door where a black Labrador puppy scrabbled on the linoleum, jumping up as they approached, a little black nose nudging Lindsey’s hand as she reached down to pet him.

“How did you do this?” She leaned down to pick up the puppy, who lapped happily at her face as she lifted him-yep, it was definitely a “he”, she noted. There’d been no sign of a puppy when they left that morning.

“I had Nate drop him off.” Zach scratched the wiggly black bundle of fur behind the ears, still grinning. Lindsey laughed, remembering how Nate had looked at her the first time she’d met him at the office just a few days ago, like he was keeping some sort of secret.

“What’s his name?” she asked, giggling as the puppy squirmed in her arms, his pink tongue making the rounds of her face some more.

“Argyle.”

She looked up at him and smiled, shaking her head. “Will I ever find a man who pays more attention to me than you do?”

“I doubt it, baby.” He wrapped them both up in his arms, dipping his head down to hers to share in an exuberant puppy tongue bath. “I seriously doubt it.”