I'd Tell You I Love You But Then I'd Have to Kill You

Chapter Fifteen

Spy training isn't something you can turn off and on. We eat, sleep, and breathe this stuff. It has become as much a part of my DNA as lackluster hair and a weakness for peanut M&M's. I know that probably goes without saying, but before I tell you what came next, I thought I'd better point it out.

After all, imagine if you were a fifteen-year-old girl standing alone on a deserted street on a dark night, preparing for a clandestine meeting, when, all of a sudden you can't see anything because a pair of hands are covering your eyes. One second you're standing there, being grateful that you'd remembered to pack a candy bar, and then…POW…everything goes black.

Well, that's what happened. But did I panic? No way. I did what I was trained to do—I grabbed the offending arm, shifted my weight, and used the force of my would-be attacker's momentum against him.

It was fast. Really fast. Scary, these-hands-are-lethal' weapons fast.

I am so good, I thought, right up until the point when I looked down and saw Josh lying at my feet, the wind knocked out of him.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" I cried and reached down for him. "I'm so sorry. Are you all right? Please be all right."

"Cammie?" he croaked. His voice sounded so weak, and I thought, This is it. I've killed the only man I could ever love, and now I'm about to hear his deathbed (deathstreet?) confession. I leaned close to him. My hair fell into his open mouth. He gagged.

So … yeah … on my first psuedo-date, I not only physically assaulted my potential soul mate, I also made him gag—literally.

I pushed my hair behind my ear and crouched beside him. (Incidentally, if you ever want to feel a boy's abs, this is a pretty good technique—because it seemed perfectly natural for me to put my hands on his stomach and chest.) "Ooh. What is it?"

"Do something for me?"

"Anything!" I crouched lower, not wanting to miss a single, precious word.

"Please don't ever tell any of my friends about this."

He smiled, and relief flooded my body.

He thinks I'll meet his friends! I thought—then wondered, What does that mean?

The Subject demonstrates amazing physical fortitude, as was exhibited by his ability to recover quickly after a very hard fall onto asphalt. The Subject is also surprisingly heavy.

I helped Josh get up and brush himself off.

"Wow!" he said. "Where did you learn to do that?"

I shrugged, trying to guess how Cammie the homeschooled girl who had a cat named Suzie would reply. "My mom says a girl needs to know how to take care of herself." Not a lie.

He rubbed the back of his head. "I feel sorry for your dad."

Bullets couldn't have hit me any harder. But then I realized that he wasn't taking it back, slinking away, trying to pull his foot out of his mouth. He just looked at me and smiled. For the first time in a long time, when thinking about my father, I felt like smiling, too.

"He says he's pretty tough, but I think she could take him."

"Like mother like daughter, huh?"

He had no idea what an amazing compliment he'd just given me—and the thing was: he'd never know.

"Can you…like…" He was gesturing to the town around us. "…walk around or something?"

"Sure."

We set off down the street. For a girl who has been described as a pavement artist, I was a little surprised at how hard it is to walk when you're actually trying to be seen.

After a few minutes of listening to our feet on the street, I realized something. Talking. Shouldn't there be talking? I searched my mind for something—anything—to say, but kept coming up with things like "So, how 'bout those new satellite-controlled detonators with the twelve-mile range?" Or, "Have you read the new translation of Art of War? Because I prefer it in the original dialect. …" I half wished he'd charge at me again or draw a knife or start speaking in Japanese or something … but he didn't, and so I didn't know what to do. He walked. So I walked. He smiled, so I smiled back. He turned a corner (without using the Strembesky technique of detecting a tail, which was really sloppy of him), and I followed.

We turned another corner, and I knew from my Driver's Ed recon that there was a playground up ahead.

"I broke my arm there," he said, pointing to the monkey bars. Then he blushed. "It was a real rumble—bodies everywhere—you should have seen the other guy."

I smiled. "Oh, sounds wild."

"As wild as anything in Roseville ever gets." He laughed, and then kicked a stone with the toe of his shoe. It skidded across the vacant street and into an empty gutter. "My mom totally freaked out. She was screaming and trying to drag me into the car." He chuckled, then ran a hand through his wavy hair. "She's a little high maintenance."

"Yeah," I said, smiling. "I know the type."

"No," he said. "Your mom must be cool. I mean, I can't imagine getting to see the places you've seen. All my mom does is cook all the time, you know? Like one kind of pie isn't enough. No. She's got to have three different kinds, and …" His voice trailed off as he looked at me. "I bet your mom doesn't do that."

"Oh, yes she does!" I said quickly. "She's really big on all that stuff."

"You mean, I'm not the only kid who has to sit through eight-course dinners?"

"Oh, are you kidding?" I said. "We do that all the time!" (If eight courses could be defined as five Diet Cokes and three Twinkles.)

"Really? I thought that with the Peace Corps and…"

"Oh, no, are you kidding? They're big on family time and"—I thought back to the huge stack of Pottery Barn catalogs—"decorating."

"Yes!" he said. "I know. You know how they decide, overnight, that you need new curtains in your bedroom…Like plain curtains aren't really getting it done, and now you need striped curtains?"

Plain curtains? Striped curtains? What kind of society had I stumbled into? I should be getting COW extra credit for this! We walked farther, down a winding street with manicured lawns and perfect flower beds that couldn't possibly have been mere miles from the Gallagher walls. I was getting an insider's tour behind the picket fence. I was going where no Gallagher Girl (well, at least this Gallagher Girl) had ever gone before—into a normal American family.

"This is nice. It's a nice…night." And it was. The air was chilly but not cold, and only a light dusting of clouds blew across the starry sky.

"So what was it like?" he pried. What was what like? "Mongolia? Thailand? It must be like …"

"Another world," I said. And it was true—I was from another world—just one that was surprisingly near his own.

Then he did the coolest thing. We were stopped under this streetlight, and he said, "Hold it. You've got a …" And then he reached up and brushed my cheek with his finger. "Eyelash." He held it out in front of me. "Make a wish."

But right then, there was nothing else I wanted.

I don't know how long we wandered the streets of Roseville, because, for the first time in years, I lost track of time.

"But I guess you don't have crazy teachers," he said, teasing after he'd finished a story about his psycho track coach.

"Oh, you'd be surprised."

"Tell me something about you," Josh was prompting me. "I've told you all about my crazy Martha Stewart-wannabe mom and my hyper kid sister and my dad."

"Like what?" I asked, freaking out, as was probably evident by the mind-numbing silence.

"Anything. What's your favorite color? Your favorite band?" He pointed at me as he jumped off the curb and turned in the street. "What's your favorite thing to eat when you're sick?"

How great a question is that? I mean, my whole life I've been answering questions—hard ones, too—but that one seemed especially telling.

"Waffles," I said, suddenly amazed when I realized it was true.

"Me too!" Josh said. "They're so much better than pancakes, which my mom says is crazy because it's the same batter, but I tell her that it's a—"

"Texture thing," we said at the exact same time.

OH MY GOSH! He gets the pancakes versus waffles thing! He gets it!

He was smiling. I was melting.

"When's your birthday?" He shot the question at me like a dart.

"Um…" The second it takes for you to recall something your cover should know, is the second it takes for bad people to do bad things. "November nineteenth," I blurted for no apparent reason; the date just landed in my head like a stone.

"What's your favorite ice cream?"

"Mint chocolate cookie," I said, remembering that was what we'd found in his garbage.

His face lit up. "Me too!" Fancy that. "Do you have brothers and sisters?"

"Sisters," I replied instinctively. "I have sisters."

"What does your dad do? When he isn't off saving the world?"

"He's an engineer. He's wonderful."

I didn't even pause before I said it. The words were out, and I didn't want to shove them back in. Of all the lies I'd told that night, that was the only one I knew I wouldn't have to try to remember. My dad's strict, but he loves me. He takes care of me and my mom. When I get home—he'll be there.

And he did save the world—a lot.

I looked at Josh, who didn't doubt me. And I knew that right then, right there, that in a way, all of it was true. I knew that from that point on, the legend would live.

"It's not a family business, though. Right?" Josh asked.

I shook my head, knowing it was a lie.

"Good," Josh said. "Be glad you don't have someone breathing down your neck to follow in your old man's shoes." He kicked a stone. "What's that they call it—you know, in the Bible—about how we can do whatever we want?"

"Free will," I said.

"Yeah." Josh nodded. "Be glad you've got free will."

"Why? What do you have?"

We'd reached a corner of the square I'd never paid much attention to before. Josh pointed to the sign above a row of dark windows—ABRAMS AND SON PHARMACY, FAMILY OWNED SINCE 1938.

And then I knew why we do fieldwork. Of course I knew that Josh's dad was the town pharmacist. But computer files and tax records hadn't told us how Josh would react to that place. They hadn't prepared me for the look in his eye when he said, "I don't really like running track. I just… It keeps me away from here after school."

Something in the way he said it told me that it was something he hadn't told anyone else, but I was no one his friends knew. I was no one who'd let it slip to his parents. I was no one.

"I guess there's some pressure to follow in my dad's footsteps, too," I admitted.

"Really?"

I nodded, unable to say any more, because the truth was, I didn't know where those footsteps led. I didn't have that kind of clearance.

The clock in the tower over the library chimed ten, and I knew it may as well have been midnight, and I may as well have been Cinderella.

"I've got to …" I motioned toward the library (and, far beyond it, the towering walls of my home). "I can't get…I've got…I'm sorry."

"Wait." He grabbed my arm (but in a nice way). "You've got a secret identity, don't you?" He grinned. "Come on. You can tell me. You're Wonder Woman's illegitimate daughter? Really, it's okay. I am fine with it—just as long as your father isn't Aquaman, because, to tell you the truth, I always got a really superior vibe off of him."

"This is serious," I said through my laughter. "I've got to go."

"But who's going to make sure I get home safely? These are dark and dangerous streets." Across the square, a group of older women was leaving the movie theater. "See, I'm not safe out here by myself."

"Oh, I think you'll survive."

"Will I see you tomorrow?" Gone was the silly tone, the flirting cadence. If he hadn't been holding me I might have fainted—seriously. It was just that sweet and strong and sexy.

Yes, my heart cried, but my brain spoke of a biochemistry midterm, seven chapters of COW reading, and two weeks' worth of lab reports for Dr. Fibs.

Sometimes I really hate my brain.

But most of all, I heard Mr. Solomon's voice, and it was telling me that a good spy always varies her routines. The people at the Gallagher Academy might not notice one stray girl two nights in a row—but three would be pushing my luck, and I knew it.

"I'm sorry." I pulled away from him. "I never know when my mom has classes or when I'll get to come. We live out in the country, and I can't drive yet, so … I'm sorry."

"Will I just see you around, then? You know, for self-defense tips and stuff?"

"I …" I stumbled, knowing I'd finally made it to the edge of the cliff, and I had to decide if it was worth the fall.

I attend the best school in the country. I can speak fourteen languages, but I can't talk to this boy? What good is a genius IQ? Why bother teaching us the things we know? What's the use in …

And then I saw it.

I turned to Josh. "Do you like spy movies?"

He looked at me, then muttered, "Um…sure."

"Well…" I inched closer to the gazebo, which was very Americana. Very Sound of Music. Very Gilmore Girls. But the really important thing about the Roseville gazebo wasn't that it had awesome twinkle lights. No, it was better—it was the loose stone jutting out from its base.

(FYI, for the most part, spies love loose stones.)

"I saw this movie," I said, pacing myself. "It was an old movie … in black-and-white…and this girl wanted to communicate with this boy, but they couldn't, because it was too dangerous."

"Why? Because he was a spy?"

He? Sometimes the sexism in this country amazes me, but then I remembered that society's tendency to underestimate women is a Gallagher Girl's greatest weapon, and I consoled myself by remembering how it had taken less than two seconds for me to level Josh flat and hard onto the pavement.

"Yes," I said. "He was a spy."

"Cool." He nodded.

"You can leave me notes in there." I removed the stone, revealing the small hole in the mortar. "And just replace the stone backward, so I'll know there's a note." I slid the stone in so that the painted face was on the inside. The effect was of one gray piece of slate in a snow-colored field. "And when I leave a note, I'll turn it around the other way. See?" I said, feeling perhaps a little too proud of myself. "We used to do this all the time … in Mongolia."

Doesn't she know there's such a thing as e-mail? I imagined him wondering. Instant Messenger? Cell phones? Even tin cans tied together with string probably seemed high-tech compared to what I was proposing. He either thought I was crazy or from some really bizarre experiment where they freeze people for decades, even though I know for a fact that technology isn't to a prototype phase yet.

He looked at me like I was crazy, so I said, "You're right. It's stupid." I turned. "I've got to go. It was …"

"Cammie." The word stopped me. "You're not a normal girl, are you?"

Okay, so maybe Josh was pretty smart, too.