I Want It That Way

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” Ty muttered.

The three of us took up a whole row on the plane, and Sam was beyond excited. We were heading to Sharon to spend the Fourth of July with my family, where they’d meet Ty and Sam for the first time. Ty had driven us to Ann Arbor, and until now, he was mostly silent, listening to Sam chatter about the plane.

“They’ll love you,” I said.

“So you claim. I’m expecting your dad to threaten me.”

“He might. Pretend to be terrified.” Amusement colored my tone as I smiled at him over the top of Sam’s head. “Oh, I have a brother, too. He’s more likely to pound you.”

“He has to catch me first.”

The flight was only a couple of hours, not long enough for Sam to sleep. But he was tired and grouchy when we disembarked. I cheered him up with dinosaur jokes as we waited for our luggage, then we headed outside, where my parents were parked and waiting. Mom bounded out of the car and ran toward the doors. Dad came slower, and I saw evidence of the Parkinson’s in the excessively careful way he moved. I also noticed that Mom was driving, something that never would’ve happened before.

“Is that your mom and dad?” Sam asked.

I nodded, hugging them both, then I said, “This is my boyfriend, Ty. And Sam, of course. He’s our pet leprechaun.”

“Nadia!” Sam yelped, but he was grinning up at my parents. Then he offered a small hand for my dad to shake, and I registered the exact moment he imprinted on their hearts, just as he had mine.

“We should get going,” Mom said. “It’s two hours to Sharon. Has Nadia told you anything about the place?”

Ty appeared to ponder, climbing into the car. “Only that it’s small.”

“That’s about the size of it,” my dad said.

On the drive, we made casual conversation, avoiding the topic of Dad’s illness. He grilled Ty politely, but he stood up to it well, I thought. Every now and then, my mom caught my gaze in the rearview mirror, and she smiled with her eyes. A couple of hours later, we reached the Sharon city limits, and I was actually glad to be back.

“The Fourth is a big deal around here. They put on a huge fireworks show at the county fairgrounds. People drive an hour or more to see it,” I informed them.

“Wow,” Sam said, obviously impressed.

Part of me couldn’t believe Ty was here with me, meeting my parents, pulling into the driveway of the house where I grew up. But he was looking around the neighborhood with interest. “That’s a craftsman bungalow,” he noted. “Those are usually fantastic in terms of both design efficiency and elegance.”

“I can probably get Jay Oliver to let you see the place,” my dad offered. “He and I aren’t real close, but when he finds out you’re studying architecture, he’ll want to show the place off.”

That was definitely an olive branch; Ty grabbed it with both hands. “That’d be great.”

At the house, Rob was waiting in the living room. Lauren was there, too, and I hugged her until her spine popped. She looked so much brighter, no shadows in her eyes and an easy smile that told me she’d made the right choice, no matter what the world thought.

“You’re in summer school?” I asked.

“Yep. Most of my credits transferred. I’m basically a sophomore, but I’m happier in computers. I can do something useful, something concrete. There are still problems, of course. I’m the only girl in a lot of my online classes and you wouldn’t believe how much crap I get.”

“And you dish it right back.”

She grinned. “Hells yeah, I do. So tell me, is Courtney your new best friend?”

“Friend,” I said. “Not best. That’ll always be you.”

Lauren hugged me, and Rob watched us from across the room. The attention was surprising; I’d never seen him so focused, and there was something about his eyes—but when Ty came up behind me, I lost interest in my brother, who was way less compelling than the guy kissing my neck. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. I recognized this tactic; though he didn’t realize it, he was using me as a shield while he figured out the family dynamics.

Sam climbed up on my dad’s knee. “Tell me a story.”

“What kind?”

“Something awesome.”

That could be interpreted a lot of different ways, but for my dad, the answer was obvious. He used to tell this one to Rob and me, but it was brand-new for Sam, and since it involved a runaway backhoe, I suspected the kid wouldn’t budge until the end. By the time he left Nebraska, Sam might be obsessed with heavy machinery.

My mom called from the kitchen, “Are you guys hungry?”

I glanced at Ty, who nodded. “Yeah, we could eat.”

She fixed a quick meal of soup and sandwiches while Rob added the leaf to the table, since he and Lauren were staying to eat. At Thanksgiving, there had been definite tension between my brother and me, but tonight, he was easy, smiling, as the rest of us talked. That was a relief, even as I wondered about the shift.

Though I was afraid it might be awkward, my parents made it easy for Ty and Sam. Ty’s major fascinated my mom, and my dad took him to see the craftsman bungalow, as promised. When they came back, Ty was glowing with enthusiasm; he and Rob had a good talk about the merits of various building methods. By the end of the first night, it was like Ty and Sam had always been part of the family. But then, my mom was good at that; it was one of the things I loved most about her. She had a gift for making people feel at home. When she used that talent for Ty and Sam, I had to hug her. She squeezed me back, seeming surprised.

Then she whispered, “I’m sorry for what I said before. It’s crystal clear to me that you’re happy with Ty. And Sam is adorable.”

Lauren went home around nine, and Rob left soon after; apparently, he’d moved out a few months back. I took Sam into the backyard to count fireflies. He was really wound up, and I imagined it might take some work to get him settled down. Focusing on the fireflies helped, though; they flickered against the night in golden sparks. Ty stood on the back porch, watching us, but he didn’t come out into the yard.

“No, like this,” I said quietly. “Be really slow and gentle.” I showed Sam how to cup his hands. “Because they’re beautiful and we don’t want to smash them.”

It took almost twenty tries before Sam got a firefly between his palms, and then he stared down in wonder. “Can we keep him?”

“No. If we put him in a jar, he’ll die.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” Then he opened his hands and wriggled his fingers until the insect took off. Five feet over Sam’s head, the firefly lit up.

As if it was a signal, others glowed all over the backyard like tiny Chinese lanterns. Sam spun in a slow circle. “It’s really dark out here.”

“That means you can see the stars better. Look up.” Kneeling beside him, I anticipated his gasp of wonder.

Maybe Sharon’s not so bad after all.

“Wow,” Sam said.

“Let’s get you inside. I think you need a bath and a bedtime story. It’s almost ten.”

“But I’m not sleepy.”

Smiling, I ruffled his hair, and he slipped his hand into mine. I led him back to the porch, where his dad was waiting. Ty took over, and I listened to the welcome sound of them laughing, splashing around in the bathroom, while my dad whispered to my mother in the kitchen. Their voices sounded conspiratorial, but it didn’t raise my hackles. They were definitely talking about Ty and Sam, but not in a bad way.

Then my dad came out into the living room and sat down beside me. He switched off the TV without asking if I was watching it. “He’s not who I’d have chosen for you, but I want you to be happy, bean. Your mom’s been talking at me for a couple of months, reminding me that I wasn’t her mother’s first choice, either. So...I just want you to know, you have my approval, too, if that matters at all.”

A startled sound escaped me. I leaned over to hug him. “Of course it does.”

He patted me on the back, and I felt the faint tremor that ran through his arm. “If he hurts you, I can still kick his ass.”

“I know.”

“And...your mother says you two can share your old room. Sam can sleep in Rob’s.” He spoke that offer grudgingly.

“I’ll let Ty know. Thanks, Dad.” Standing up, I kissed his forehead, then climbed the stairs to find out where Ty was with tucking Sam in.

They’d just finished the bath, and Ty was drying him off while explaining why fireflies glowed. He was much more scientific about it than I’d have been, but it didn’t appear to diminish Sam’s delight. I beckoned them both into Rob’s room, which still smelled faintly of body spray. Sam didn’t mind; my brother’s sports trophies transfixed him.

“He’s really good at football, huh?”

“Yeah, he was.” It was a little sad, truthfully, because Rob might be one of those guys who peaked in high school and would spend the rest of his life looking back.

“Will he mind if I have his room?” Sam asked.

Ty glanced at me; I shook my head. “He’s got his own place now.”

“Okay, then.” Sam snuggled into the clean sheets, glancing up at us expectantly.

Ty produced Goodnight Moon, and Sam made it almost to the end before falling asleep. Tiptoeing out, I left the hall light on, as my parents had done for us when we were kids. With the door cracked, Sam shouldn’t be scared if he woke up in a strange bed; there would be enough light streaming in for him to figure out where he was. And Mr. O’Beary was beside him, too.

“Am I sleeping on the couch?” Ty asked.

“Nope. You have permission to share with me.”

“Really?”

“Don’t look so surprised. My parents aren’t that old or particularly religious.” Taking his hand, I led him down the hall to my room.

When I shut the door behind us, Ty bent his head and kissed me. Tension seeped out of him, as if he’d expected this visit to be more of a trial. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my fingers down his back. He shivered, gazing down at me with smoky eyes.

“You shouldn’t get me worked up. I’m not having sex. Your parents are right downstairs. It seems—”

“Dirty?” I teased.

“Disrespectful. Don’t laugh.”

“I’m not. Your desire to be decent is adorable.”

We took turns using the bathroom to brush teeth and whatever else. Then he settled beside me in the full-size bed I’d slept in since I was eleven years old. That was a bit startling, like my two worlds had finally converged, but it was a good feeling. Ty settled me against him, and I sighed in pleasure. He made the same noise when I trailed my fingers up and down his back, the way some other girl had done to drive him crazy. But she wasn’t the one who still had a hold on him. Diana might as well be in the bed with us because she was still a shadow at the corner of his mind.

“You have to let go,” I said softly.

“Of you? Never.”

I curved my palm against his cheek. “Of the guilt. You made a mistake by not listening to Diana, yet you can’t regret it because of Sam. But then you look at him and remember how much you hurt her. It’s an endless cycle, and you have to break it.”

He put his face against my shoulder, his mouth moving against my skin, so each word felt like kisses. “I don’t know how.”

“I do.” And then I told him.

The next day, my mom packed a picnic, and we drove to the fairgrounds. It was a gorgeous day, bright and sunny, and we found a great spot near the swimming area. Compared to Lake Michigan, it wasn’t much, just a man-made pond with an artificial beach, but Sam seemed to be having a blast. He wriggled the whole time Ty applied the sunblock, then he was off and running. He zoomed up and down the shore and yelled incomprehensible stuff at us that I pretended to understand.

“He loves it here,” Ty said.

“I’m glad. My parents adore him already, so they’ll definitely want us to come back.” Watching Sam, I remembered what Ty had said about no more kids. “Are you still sold on him being an only?”

He slanted me an inscrutable look. “It’s negotiable.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

My dad sat with Sam, patiently constructing a sand castle. Since he had been building things his whole adult life, he was insanely good at it. Ty and I both fell asleep in the shade, and when I woke up, the structure was so big, so elaborate, that it had a moat and a working drawbridge. People were gathered around, watching my dad show Sam how the pulley worked.

Beside me, Ty stirred and slipped his hand into mine. I squeezed gently. When he tugged, I rolled over to face him. His eyes shone, and his face was tight. Wordless, I traced a fingertip down his chin, silently asking him to talk to me. But it took him a few seconds to find his voice.

“I would’ve robbed Sam of this,” he whispered. “Of having more people to love him. I was so angry at Diana, so sure I could be enough for him, it never occurred to me that he deserved more. We would’ve been so fucking lonely without you, and I never would’ve known. I wouldn’t have noticed when I changed from a tired, grumpy asshole into a bitter old man.”

“That won’t happen,” I said gently. “Sam and I know how to make you laugh.”

“Thank you.” By the fervor of his tone, he meant for more than just those words.

Around three, Lauren and Rob showed up in time for the picnic lunch. My mom had packed fried chicken, potato salad, carrot and celery sticks, orange Jell-O wigglers, which made Sam clap his hands in delight, and Rice Krispies treats. I ate until my stomach hurt. Afterward, I leaned back into Ty’s arms. When the sun dipped below the horizon, the fairgrounds got more crowded and we packed up, then took the picnic supplies to the car.

Keeping only quilts for watching the fireworks, my dad picked a careful path across the gravel, my mom’s hand on his arm. A stranger might think he was supporting her instead of the other way around. Ty wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we settled onto the blanket, and Sam climbed into my lap. I kissed the top of his head, breathing in the scent of warm boy, sunshine and orange Jell-O. His mouth was stained from all of the wigglers he’d eaten, and he chattered excitedly, telling us about his day, as if we hadn’t been there with him. As ever, Ty’s replies were slow and patient.

“Nadia’s dad can build anything,” Sam told him. “He said I can call him Grandpa Ned. Is that okay?”

Ty glanced at me over the top of Sam’s head. I nodded. If my dad had said that, it meant he was already one of the kid’s biggest fans. Apart from Diana, Sam affected pretty much everyone like that. I wondered how she’d feel about my stepping into her shoes, and then I realized it didn’t matter. It wasn’t as if I was taking possession of her life; she’d never been part of this. Not really. Wherever she was, I hoped she was happy.

As it got dark fully, Ty pushed to his feet. Sam started to follow him, but I shook my head, whispering, “Your dad needs to do this on his own.”

“What?”

“Say goodbye.”

Sam tilted his head, puzzled, but he stayed on my lap, tracking Ty’s movements through the crowd. When he came back to our blanket, he had a bottle rocket in his hand, and as I’d suggested the night before, there was a piece of paper taped around it. I didn’t ask to read his final words to Diana; those were for him alone, but I knew there would be the apology he couldn’t speak in person, because she didn’t want to be found, and a wish for her to find joy in her work and peace in the decision to leave everything behind.

Without looking at us, Ty took a deep breath and lit the fuse, then he planted the bottle rocket in the ground. When it shot upward in an arc of spitting orange light, Sam’s eyes widened. It exploded overhead in a crackle of light, and bits of charred paper fluttered down like Christmas in July. Deep in my heart, I hoped that maybe Diana felt it, somehow, and she knew she was truly free.

No regrets.

Watching the scraps of paper drift to earth, I thought about Max. Connections were everywhere, binding people together. If not for him writing about Lauren, I never would’ve written down how I felt about Ty, never would’ve shown him my soul, scribbled out in ink. And Ty would never have purged Diana from his conscience. Someday, he might even think of her without ugliness being the first thing on his mind.

I glanced over at Lauren and started because she was resting, ever so slightly, against my brother. He reached for her instinctively when she leaned in, his arm possessive around her shoulders. I had a hundred questions, and as if she sensed me staring, she glanced over. Her eyes widened, but I just smiled. Whatever that was, she’d tell me when she felt ready.

Lauren smiled back and mouthed, Thank you.

On the other side, my parents were curled up together, waiting for the fireworks. It was impossible for me to imagine anything more wonderful, but then, Ty came back. He wrapped an arm about me; and in that instant, the heavens cracked open in cascades of wonder, brightness blazing in kaleidoscopic shapes that made Sam bounce with excitement. Beneath the booms and pops of each new formation, I rested my head against Ty’s shoulder.

“I love you.”

I didn’t realize I’d said it out loud until Ty whispered the words back to me. He kissed my cheek and then Sam’s head, touching us as if we were all he needed in the world, his sun and stars sharing a quilt with him. Contentment radiated from him in a way I’d never known—and my heart burst with fireworks, spilling colors like the sky.