Identity Theft and other stories (collection)

Postscript: e-mails from the future

Despite my vow to give up shortfiction, some offers really are too good to refuse. In October 2007, I was contacted by Carol Toller, an editor at Report on Business Magazine, one of Canada’s top glossy magazines (and one that I had written for occasionally in my freelance-journalist days; my last article for them had been in 1992). For their January 2008 issue, the magazine was preparing a look at the business environment a decade down the road. They wanted me to contribute a creative piece, and offered $1.50 a word (by comparison, a really good rate for an SF story from a science-fiction publication is eight cents a word). How could I say no?

For the record, my real agent is the wonderful Ralph Vicinanza, who also represents Stephen King, the estate of Isaac Asimov, and most of the major SF writers working today—and, no, he’s never once called me “baby.”

To: Robert J. Sawyer

From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency

Date: February 14, 2018, 9:31 a.m. EST

Subject: Going, going … gone!

Rob, baby, Happy Valentine’s Day! Oh, wait—got that dang wavy purple underline in Word: intellectual-property problem. Let me correct that:

Happy FedEx Valentine’s Day—when your love absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, heh heh.

Seriously, speaking of sponsorship, we’re closing the bidding in two hours on the beverage product placements in your next novel. Please don’t give me a hassle this time, okay, Rob? That “I’m an artiste” stuff is so last millennium; I don’t care if the character is the kind of guy who’d only drink fine wine … if you want to drink anything that isn’t rotgut, you’ll do it my way!

I’m pretty sure Coke is going to take the Canadian rights, but Pepsi in the U.S. is hot on science fiction right now, what with their billboard on the side of the International Space Station, so I suspect they’ll be the high bidder here. And just be happy that Coke and Pepsi haven’t merged yet—monopolies mean only one bid!

And, yeah, I know Pepsi pays in U.S. dollars, but, hey, those are still worth something down here even if they don’t go very far up in Toronto, and, believe me, I’m barely keeping body and soul together with the paltry 40% commission I’m charging you. What’s the greenback worth now? Forty-five cents Canadian? I swear, someday we’ll be out of this Iraq quagmire! And don’t even get me started on what we’re doing in Colombia …

Anyway, keep that BlackBerry implant of yours turned on, baby! I’ll have more news soon.

Your pal in the Big Apple™ (all rights reserved),

Jock

“Intellectual property has the shelf life of a banana.”—Bill Gates

To: Robert J. Sawyer

From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency

Date: February 14, 2018, 11:42 a.m. EST

Subject: Your book is all wet …

Color me surprised! (Or maybe that should be colour— you guys still doing that “u” thing? You do know the NorAm Economic Union is going to standardize spellings soon, right?) Anyway, Ontario Clean Water Inc. outbid Pepsi—for the U.S. rights. All the characters in your next novel are going to be kicking back cool, clear Canadian H₂O—the best that money can buy (as we New Yorkers well know)!

Hey, speaking of Canada, I wish I’d bought Canadian biotech stocks ten years ago—you guys are going through the roof! Who’d’ve thunk that the United States would fall so far? But I guess when you stop teaching evolution in the schools, you end up with no competent life scientists. And when you ban stem-cell research and all that, well, it’s no surprise that someone else is picking up the slack.

And, on the topic of Canuck ingenuity, man, I love that lawsuit you guys have brought in the World Court! Seeking a royalty on compasses because the magnetic north pole is in Canada—doing that takes Timbits! Still, I guess if it’s possible to claim ownership of parts of the human genome—and all sorts of companies do!—you should be able to do the same with other natural phenomena, no? I suppose I’m not the first to suggest that if you win the case, the royalty will come to be known as the pole tax … :)

Your taxing representation,

Jock

“Software licenses are perhaps the only product besides half-eaten food, underwear and toothbrushes, which can’t be resold.”—Computer scientist Jordan Pollack

To: Robert J. Sawyer

From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency

Date: February 14, 2018, 12:02 p.m. EST

Subject: And speaking of taxes …

I always forget about taxes when thinking about life up there in the Great Green-Now-ln-Lots-of-Places North. I saw that piece on the GlobeSunStar site (hey, remember printed newspapers—man, I’m showing my age!) about your tax-freedom day now coming so late in the year that it coincides with your Thanksgiving. Guess that finally gives you guys a real reason to celebrate that holiday, you Pilgrimless plagiarists, you. Hey, maybe we should launch an intellectual property suit over that! I mean, maybe McWendy’s should—it’s their holiday now.

Yours in literature,

Jock

P.S.: By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love the new novel? Man, if it were still possible to get people to actually buy intellectual property, instead of copying it for free, I bet we could have sold a ton. Ah, well, at least you’ve got the Canada Council for the Arts up there, until it gets outlawed as an unfair subsidy, and I know its juries love science fiction … don’t they? Hey, shouldn’t I be getting a cut of your grants? No, no, Rob, put that meat cleaver down … :)

“If you cannot protect what you own, you don’t own anything.”—Jack Valenti, President of the (defunct) Motion Picture Association of America