If I Die

18

“What do you care?” Nash pulled his freezing fingers from my grasp and leaned against the brick wall. “You’d rather be with the living dead than with me, so why don’t you two just go haunt someone and leave me alone.”

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t decide whether to yell at him or wrap one arm around him and take him somewhere safe until he came down from his bitter high. I didn’t know whether to hate him for giving in again, or hate myself for driving him to it.

Finally I whirled on Sabine with a furious insight. “Did you know about this?”

She shrugged, but looked distinctly unhappy. “Harmony caught us with a bottle of Jack last night and kicked me out. I left to feed, then went back after she left for work, and he was like this, but I couldn’t find his balloon. He finally fell asleep early this morning, so I left him for half an hour to grab a change of clothes, and he was high again when I got back. But he insisted on coming to school to talk to you.”

“Shut up, Sabine,” Nash snapped, but she ignored him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.

“Why should I? He’s not your problem anymore.”

I gaped at her in disbelief. “Breaking up with him doesn’t mean I don’t care about him!” Nash and I had been through too much together for that to ever be possible. Our parents were close. His mom was the only mother figure I had. He was the only other bean sidhe my age I’d ever met. And my feelings for his brother would have kept me and Nash in each other’s lives, even if none of the rest of that were true. At least, they would if I were scheduled to live past Thursday. “And it definitely doesn’t mean I want to watch him die!”

Sabine rolled her eyes. “He’s not going to die. I’ll take him home with me until he comes down, then I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. That’s the difference between you and me—I’m not going to run from his problems.”

That wasn’t fair. But it was true.

“Both of you shut up!” Nash brushed past us and stomped into the parking lot. “I’m nobody’s problem but my own.”

I rushed after him with Sabine on my heels, and we caught up with him just past the first row of cars. “Nash, go home with Sabine. She’ll make sure you don’t kill yourself.”

“Why bother? I have to be dead to get your attention, right?” He took a left in the first aisle, and I had to jog to catch up. “What are you, some kind of necrophiliac? ’Cause that’s really sick.”

“Damn it, Nash.” As Sabine caught up with us, I grabbed his arm and spun him around to face me before he could take another step, trying to ignore the cold that seeped through his sleeve and into my fingers. “I don’t expect you to understand about me and Tod, and I’m so sorry that we hurt you. I can’t justify what I did and I can’t explain what I feel for him, and I honestly don’t know where it would go, if I were going to be here past tomorrow. All I know is how good I feel when I’m with him, and how I want to be with him when he’s gone, and how, when he looks at me, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I’m falling, but I can’t remember jumping, and I don’t think I’ll ever hit the ground.”

Nash jerked his arm from my grip. “I do understand—that’s how I feel about you. But that doesn’t matter, does it? It wouldn’t matter even if tomorrow never comes and you get to live forever.”

“Nash, tomorrow will come, and I will die. And you can’t deal with that like you’re dealing with this. No more frost. Promise me.”

“You can’t make out with my brother, then ask for promises from me. Not that any of that matters now, considering we’re both going to lose you in a matter of hours,” Nash said. “But you’re an idiot if you can’t see what Tod’s really doing. He’s clinging to you for the same reason he hangs around me and Mom—he thinks if he has something to keep him anchored in the human world, he won’t lose his humanity. That’s all you are to him, Kaylee. You’re just another anchor helping him cling to what he can’t let go of.”

“That’s not true.” Unshed tears burned in my eyes and behind my nose, and I refused to let them fall. “Why would he bother? What kind of anchor am I going to be for him when I’m dead?”

Nash huffed in disgust. “Sabine was right—you only see what you want to see. It’s easier for you to cast him as the hero and me as the villain, ’cause then you can justify running away when I needed you. I needed you, Kaylee, and you weren’t there. And now look what’s happened.” He spread his arms to indicate his own frost high, and guilt and anger buzzed inside me like a swarm of wasps in my chest.

“I never cast you as the villain, Nash. You’re doing that to yourself.” My openhanded gesture took in his entire body, currently full of Netherworld poison, and Sabine bristled.

“You know this is at least partly your fault,” she snapped.

“I know.” It bruised something deep inside me to see him on frost again, and it hurt even worse to know I’d driven him to relapse. Frost—Demon’s Breath—was more dangerous to humans than to bean sidhes, but Nash couldn’t dodge permanent damage forever. While he was high, the drug would magnify his emotions—in this case, heartbreak and anger. It would also amplify any aggression—true even in the most even-tempered users—and compromise his judgment. But the long-term effects—insanity and potentially death—were much scarier.

I couldn’t just leave him like that, knowing it might be the last time I ever saw him. “What can I do? You want me to call your mom?” Harmony knew how to help him through this. She’d done it before.

“No.” Something dark and determined stirred in his irises, and an uneasy pressure settled into my chest. “Can you just…give me a ride home?” he said, and Sabine stiffened on my left.

“I’ll take you home!” she insisted, but he shook his head.

“I need to talk to Kaylee. Spend the day with me,” he said, holding my gaze with one so intent I couldn’t look away. “Keep me company.”

My heart tripped unevenly and I glanced at Sabine to find her jaw clenched, her eyes dark with something stronger than fear, more dangerous than anger.

“Both of us?” I wouldn’t go without her. I couldn’t do that to either of us.

Nash shook his head. “Just you and me. One last time.” When I hesitated, he sighed. “Please, Kaylee. I just want to talk.”

“She doesn’t want you!” Sabine shouted, and we both turned to her in surprise. “Not like that. She can’t trust you, but she was scared to admit it and you were scared to face it. But now it’s out, and you both need to just move on.”

“Sabine, let it go,” Nash said, and I could feel the seductive warmth of his Influence, which sent chills skittering up and down my spine, even though it wasn’t directed at me. “I just want more time,” he said, and though he was looking at her, Influencing her, he was really talking to me. “A chance to say goodbye.”

“Stop it!” Sabine spat, visibly shaking free of his words, sunlight glinting off the ring in her upper ear. He couldn’t control her unless she wanted to be controlled. For her, his Influence was a game, and today she wasn’t playing.

Nash reached for me, and when I stepped back, I bumped into the side of a dusty blue sedan. “Just come talk to me. We don’t have to go to my house. We can go to the lake and feed the geese.”

My pulse spiked with a bolt of old fear. I couldn’t be alone with him while he was using. He would never intentionally hurt me, but he wasn’t himself when he was on frost, and things had gotten out of control before.

“Nash, I can’t,” I said, drowning in my own guilt. “Go home with Sabine. Let her take care of you. I promise I’ll check on you later.” With Tod, whether he was visible or not. “I’m sorry.” I edged around the blue car and had taken several steps toward my own when Nash shouted behind me.

“You owe me!”

I flinched, but I didn’t stop. Yes, Tod and I had made a mistake, and yes, we felt horrible about it, but I’d done my best to explain and I’d apologized from the bottom of my soul more times than I could remember. But Nash was asking for something I couldn’t do.

When I didn’t answer, he shouted again. “Come back!”

Confliction burned in my chest for a single instant before his Influence rolled over me in a white-hot wave of compulsion, and suddenly I wanted to turn and walk back to him.

Panic tightened my throat, threatening to choke me. I fought him in my head, but my feet turned and carried me back to him, even as angry tears formed in my eyes. This isn’t happening. He’d sworn he’d never Influence me again!

“Nash…” Sabine said, but he ignored her, staring straight into my eyes.

“Give me your keys,” he said, and my hand slid into my pocket slowly, as the first tears fell.

Fighthimfighthimfighthim…!

But I couldn’t fight, because I wanted to give him my keys.

“Come with me.” He took the keys, then wound his freezing fingers around mine, and I wanted to follow him toward my car, even though I knew that if he’d just stop talking, I wouldn’t want anything but to run far enough away that I couldn’t hear him.

“Stop,” I said, using all the willpower I had left to halt my steps and voice my objection. “You promised you wouldn’t do this.”

“You’re not leaving me much of a choice. I just want to talk.” And every word he spoke washed away a little more of my objection, blurring my thoughts until they were hazy at best.

“Where are we going?” I asked, as my pulse swooshed sluggishly and my feet carried me farther and farther from the school building.

“Somewhere private,” he said with another warm pulse of Influence, and suddenly I wanted to be alone with him—all except for the thin voice of protest in my head whispering that this was a very bad idea. But the rest of me knew better. The rest of me knew that Nash could take care of me and make me happy. And all I had to do was let him.

Sabine grabbed his arm. “Nash, let her go!” She looked scared for only the second time since I’d met her, and I knew I should understand her fear, but it was just out of my grasp. “This is insane. You can’t make her want you. You can’t talk her into loving you.” Sabine flinched, like each word she said actually hurt, and I felt bad for her. She needed someone to make her happy, like Nash made me happy.

“My memories of her are empty, Sabine. The images are there, but I can’t feel anything when I think about them. I can’t feel what Kaylee and I used to be like together. I know that’s my fault, and I’ll never forgive myself for giving that part of her up. But I need today with her. I need new memories of her—good ones—or after she’s gone, I will truly have lost her. All of her.”

He jerked free from her grasp and we were walking again. “I need you to understand that, and give us this one day.” He stopped next to my car and pulled open the passenger’s-side door, but Sabine stepped in front of him, blocking the car, her face a raw display of determination, her eyes dark with bitter pain.

“You’re high,” she said, and he tried to brush her aside, but Sabine wouldn’t go. “Listen to me, Nash. You’re not thinking clearly. You’re hurt, and angry, and you’re already mourning her, and the Demon’s Breath is making all that worse. But I’m telling you right now that she’s gonna hate you for this. And so will Tod.”

“Screw Tod!” Nash shouted, and I jumped, startled. I blinked, and everything looked a little clearer. The world felt a little sharper. “He shouldn’t have been anywhere near her in the first place.”

“Fine. But this isn’t going to fix that. You can’t talk forever, and as soon as you stop, she’s going to realize what you’re doing, and she’ll die hating you. Is that what you want?”

Fear slipped into the vacuum that the departing mental haze left in my head, and my hands started to shake. Something was wrong. I didn’t want to go…wherever he wanted to take me.

“I just need her back, for one day. This is my last chance to make that happen.” Nash pulled her out of the way and pushed me closer to the car. “Get in,” he ordered, and the pain in his voice almost rivaled the Influence.

But by then I understood. This was wrong, and I should fight it.

I watched him through my own tears, struggling to keep my legs locked. To stay standing. “If you ever loved me, you won’t do this…” I whispered, with all the volume I could manage.

“I do love you. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise. Now get in the car.”

“She doesn’t want to go with you!” Sabine pulled him away from me, but he jerked free of her hold.

“Yes she does. Ask her.” And he was right. I wanted to go wherever he wanted to take me, and that fact scared me so badly I could hardly breathe, because I knew I shouldn’t want to. “Sit, Kaylee.”

My legs gave out and I fell onto my own passenger seat, as the first tear trailed down my cheek.

He tried to close the door, but Sabine held it open. “Nash, don’t make me do this…”

“Get out of the way. You know I’d never hurt her. I just want to talk to her,” he said, face flushed with irritation, irises swirling in an uneven, complicated mix of grief and determination.

“That is hurting her.” Sabine punched him in the stomach, and he doubled over from the blow. And suddenly I was free.

While he coughed, I sucked in a deep, clean breath and stood on shaky legs, tears falling steadily now, backing away from him in horror.

“Thank you,” I whispered to Sabine, and I realized from the bruised look in her eyes that she was hurting, too. Maybe more than I was.

“Just go away, Kaylee.” She handed me my keys and slid one arm around Nash to hold him up. “You did this to him, and the sooner he’s over you, the better off we’ll all be.”

The ache in my chest was a steady throb of guilt, and fear, and worry. I slammed my open door, and backed away from them both, then around the car. “Are you sure you can handle him?” I asked as I sank into the driver’s seat.

“Yeah. I’m stronger than you are. And I know how to work off misplaced aggression.”

The truth of both statements pissed me off, but I wasn’t going to argue. “Keep him away from me. And keep him clean.” Then I started the car and drove out of the lot, fighting more tears.

I texted Emma to tell her I was going home, and that she should stay away from Nash for a while, and that I’d call her after school to explain. Then I took several deep breaths and called Harmony from the road.

“Kaylee?” Harmony said into my ear, her voice still groggy from sleep. And I burst into tears.

“Kaylee, what’s wrong?” Bed springs creaked, and she sounded more awake. “What happened?”

The road blurred beneath my tears, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and turned off the engine. “Remember when you told me to watch out for bean sidhe brothers?”

“Yes…” She sounded both relieved and wary to realize my call had nothing to do with my impending death, and everything to do with her sons’ hearts.

“I didn’t watch out well enough.”

Harmony’s sigh seemed to carry the weight of the world. “Does this have something to do with why Nash and Sabine were drinking last night?”

“Yes. But it’s so much worse now. And I’m so sorry for what I did, and now everything’s messed up.” And telling Harmony was almost as hard as telling Nash, because she was the closest thing I had to a mom, but she was their mother, and I’d torn her real family apart.

“Okay, calm down and tell me what happened. Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, you have to go get Nash. You have to help him.”

“Why? What happened to Nash?” She was on her feet now—I could hear the floorboard creak over the line, between my own ragged, tear-choked breaths.

“I kissed Tod, and Nash saw it, and we broke up. But then he came to school today and wanted to get back together, but he’s high on frost and he’s out of control. He tried to make me leave with him, and Sabine had to hit him, and everything is so messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Harmony took a deep breath, and I envied her ability to simply institute calm whenever she needed it. If I were going to grow up, I’d want to be just like her. “Is Nash still with Sabine?”

“Yeah. They’re in the school parking lot.”

“Okay, I’m going to let you go so I can call her and see about Nash.”

“Okay.” I sniffled one more time, then wiped my face with the tail of my shirt. “Harmony, I’m so sorry.”

“So am I, sweetie. I’m sorry for all of us.”

She hung up, and I took several more deep breaths to make sure I wouldn’t sound like I’d been crying. Then I called Tod from the road. He answered on the first ring.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be in class?”

“No. Definitely not. Can you come over?” I would have asked him to bring pizza, but it was only nine-thirty in the morning, and the pizza place didn’t open till eleven.

“I’ll meet you at your house.” But, of course, he was already waiting on the porch when I got there.

Inside, I pulled him close for a hug I never wanted to end. He felt good, his shoulder solid beneath my cheek, his arms around me, hands clasped at the base of my spine. Tod felt strong, and warm, and wonderful, and I wanted to hold him—to be held by him—for the rest of what little life I had left. “I really needed that,” I said, staring up at him when I finally let go. “I might need another one.”

“I live to serve. Except for the part about living…” He leaned in for another hug, but stopped with one good look into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, I tugged him toward the couch, then pulled him down next to me.

“Kaylee, what happened?”

“I talked to Nash at school today, and it didn’t go so well.”

“Not so well, meaning…?”

“He was high. And upset. I had to tell him about us, and that made it worse.”

“Damn it.” Tod let his head fall against the back of the couch. But he didn’t look surprised.

“You knew he was using again?”

He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. “Um…yeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Don’t worry, though. I popped it.”

Which was why Sabine hadn’t been able to find it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d blame yourself.” He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.

“Yeah. Because it’s my fault!”

“No.” Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. “Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I don’t regret a single second I’ve spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you aren’t responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isn’t the last time he’ll have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you can’t blame yourself for how he’s chosen to cope with this.”

“But—”

He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“Cute.” I couldn’t resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. “Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now he’s high and miserable. We’re the reason he started using again.”

“No.” Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. “We’re the reason he’s upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, it’s not like a balloon full of Demon’s Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didn’t give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.”

“How? Where would he get Demon’s Breath, if he can’t cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?”

“Where there’s demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming it’s even him.” Tod rubbed his forehead. “The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons aren’t for kids. But I know how to take care of him.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Is that something you really want me to answer?”

Was it? “No. But if he’s really Nash’s new source, just…make it stick. Whatever you do.” I felt a little sick to my stomach, knowing I’d just given my blessing for Tod to do something I didn’t even want to think about. To another human being. But anyone peddling frost was a murderer in my eyes, and Tod wouldn’t kill him—he would never reap off the record. Though the balloon animal guy might soon wish he were dead.

“It’ll stick. And I want you to stop worrying about Nash.”

“But—” I started, and Tod cut me off with another kiss. “Is this the routine now?” I asked, as his hand tightened around mine and my heart lodged in my throat. “I argue, and you cut me off with a kiss?”

“Not all arguments. In general, I like it when you argue. You get all fiery and passionate. But stupid arguments?” He somehow managed to raise both brows and frown sternly at the same time. “Yeah. I’m gonna shut you up. Like this.” He kissed me again, and that one lasted.

“Mmm… Best punitive system ever.”

“That’s kinda what I thought.”

“For real, though, you have to tell me stuff like that. No secrets.”

Tod frowned down at me. “I should tell you about bad things that you can’t fix, even when I know you’re just going to blame yourself for them and have a miserable last day of life?”

Well, when you put it like that… “Yes.” I nodded firmly.

“Fine. I’ll keep that in mind, should I find another opportunity to ruin the rest of your life.”

“That’s all I’m asking.”

“I don’t want you to worry about Nash, though. When he fell asleep, I took his balloon and popped it in the Netherworld, so he should be fine, at least until he finds another one.” Demon’s Breath was stored in and dispensed from latex party balloons, an idea I’d accidentally given to Avari, who turned out to be a rather enterprising hellion. “And we can worry about that in a couple of days.”

“I won’t be here to worry about that in a couple of days.”

“Exactly. See, even death has a bright side.”

But I couldn’t let it go. “When did you get rid of Nash’s balloon?”

“Last night, after I left here. Sometime after midnight.”

“Sabine said he was trashed when she picked him up this morning, and his hands were freezing during second period. How is that possible?”

“It’s not, unless he restocked, or had more than that one balloon in the first place.” Tod closed his eyes and let his head fall back again. “Shit.”

“And you don’t feel even a little bit responsible for this?” I asked softly, wishing I could absolve him of guilt, even as I demanded that he accept some of the responsibility.

“I didn’t say that. I said you shouldn’t feel responsible.” The reaper sighed and ran one hand through his short curls. “Okay, I gotta go find the rest of his stash. You wanna come with me or meet me after?”

“Actually, I think it can wait. He’s with Sabine.” In some ways I’d never truly be able to trust her. But I trusted her to keep Nash safe—especially after she’d seen him lose control in the parking lot. “And your mom’s probably there by now.”

“You called my mom?”

“She can help him, Tod.”

“I know. I was just hoping she wouldn’t have to know this time. But it sounds like he picked up right where he left off, so yeah, I guess you had to tell her.”

“I’m sorry. I told her about us, too. I hope she doesn’t hate me for coming between the two of you.”

“She could never hate you, Kaylee. I’ll probably get an earful, though.” He grimaced at the thought. “But enough about that. How do you want to spend your last full day?”

“I don’t know…” I held up our joined hands. “This is nice.” Tod’s hand fit so well in mine that I didn’t want to go anywhere or think about anything but him, and us, and the fact that we hadn’t even considered turning on the TV, because we didn’t need it for entertainment. And he made me smile. Even knowing that Nash was back on frost, my demon math teacher wanted to impregnate my best friend and my lifeline was scheduled to end the next day, Tod could make me laugh.

“Yeah, it is.” His gaze went out of focus, like he was looking at something I couldn’t see. “I can’t remember the last time I actually got to touch someone I care about, just for the sake of touching and being touched. For human contact that demands nothing.”

“You and Addy didn’t…?”

“Get back together?” he said when I wasn’t sure how to finish my own sentence, and I nodded. “No. Seeing Addy again was like going back in time, to before I died. But I don’t think she thought of me like that. Not this time, anyway. She had more important things on her mind.” Like reclaiming her sister’s sold soul, not to mention her own. “And then she died, and I couldn’t stop it.” He was looking at me again by then, and I knew what he was thinking.

“This is different, Tod.” I put my free hand on top of the one that held his. “I still have my soul, so I’m not just moving into the Netherworld for an eternity of torture. Dying for me will be more like a release, right? It’s everyone else I’m worried about.”

“Your dad and uncle are working on the incubus issue, and I’ll do whatever I can to help, so you don’t have to worry about Emma. The worst part for her will be missing you. And your dad’s going to be fine, now that Thane’s out of the picture.”

“Thank you so much for that.” I picked at a worn spot on the denim over his knee. “I don’t know how to tell you how much that meant to me.” Though evidently that one fateful kiss was worth a thousand words.

“That was truly my pleasure. In fact, it was so much fun I’m not even going to add it to the running total of rescues you owe me.”

“How gallant of you.”

“Does that mean I’ve earned my shining armor? ’Cause I don’t see how I can slay the dragon without it.” When I didn’t smile, his frown deepened. “If you’re still worried about Nash, you know Sabine and I will watch out for him.”

“I know. I just hate that I’m going to die with him hating me.” Because how could he not? I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, trying to draw my scrambled thoughts into focus. “From the moment you told me I was going to die—okay, from the moment I came to terms with that—all I’ve wanted to do was put everything in order. Make sure everyone I care about would be okay after I’m gone. But I messed that up, and now Nash has to live with the consequences of what I did.”

“What we did,” Tod insisted.

“Either way, he hates us both.”

“He’s spent half his life hating me. Hell, he thinks I’m trying to make him miserable as a punishment for living. He’s upset and confused, but he’ll understand eventually.”

“You really think so?”

Tod shrugged, but couldn’t quite hide his own doubt. “We’re brothers—a three-hundred-year life span is a long time to hold a grudge.”

Three hundred years. That’s what I should have had, give or take. And Tod had eternity, though I couldn’t accurately describe his post-death existence as a life span. Still, compared to the mere hours I had left, eternal un-death was looking pretty good.

“How did you die, Tod?”

He couldn’t—or didn’t—hide his surprise. “Nash didn’t tell you?”

“I never asked.” It honestly hadn’t occurred to me. Tod had been dead long before I met him, and I rarely thought of him as ever having been alive, as obvious as that conclusion seemed in retrospect.

“Well, I guess that’s just as well.” He stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. “He doesn’t know the truth anyway. No one does, except my mom and Levi.”

“Is it some top secret reaper thing? No one can know how you entered the afterlife?” I joked, but Tod looked so solemn my smile died on my face.

“No. I asked my mom and Levi to keep what really happened a secret. To protect Nash.”

“You know you can tell me, right?” I ducked, trying to draw his gaze up to my face again. “I’m not going to tell anyone, and after tomorrow, you’re right back where you started, with just two people knowing.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to know—I’d answer any question you asked me, Kaylee, even if you were scheduled to live forever.” He frowned, and a rare look of uncertainty flickered over features I’d nearly memorized. “It’s that I’ve literally never told anyone what happened—not since I told my mother.”

A tingling began deep in my stomach and traveled up my spine, bringing with it a warmth like I’d never known. Tod was giving me a first—a very important first—and he was trusting me to keep a secret he’d never told anyone else, except his mother. And though I’d accepted my fate days ago, suddenly the injustice of my own death seemed unbearable for a whole new reason.

I wanted more firsts with Tod.

But all I had left was a handful of lasts. My last day. My last hour. My last minute. My last words. And my last breath.

“You sure you want to hear this?” Tod asked, eyeing me in concern—my eyes probably gave away my every thought. “We are allowed to talk about something other than death.”

“I wanna know. You’re the only person I know who’s survived death.” Other than Emma and Sophie, who didn’t remember anything. “I want to know what I’m in for.”

Tod frowned. “Your death won’t be like mine, Kaylee. No two deaths are the same, but mine was more different than most. I was recruited by the reapers—before I died.”

“Before you died? How does that work?”

“It’s a blind choice. To be eligible for recruitment, you have to be willing to make a sacrifice for someone else, without knowing you could be rewarded with an afterlife.”

“I don’t understand.” In fact, I understood less than I had before he’d started talking.

“Okay, here’s the typical recruitment scenario…” Tod let go of my hand, so he could gesture with his. “Once the personnel request comes down, the local reaper district manager will start sorting through the potential recruits in his area. But he’s not looking for someone scheduled to die. He’s looking for someone who might be willing to die for someone else. That’s how they weed through the power-hungry psychos—though Thane is proof that the system isn’t perfect.”

“No kidding.” Whoever recruited him should be fed to a nursery of bloodthirsty Netherworld cannibal children. “Wait, does that mean you weren’t supposed to die?” That tingle in my spine became an outright chill….

“Everyone’s supposed to die. But no, I wasn’t supposed to die then.”

“What happened?” I felt like a kid at story hour, riveted by the tale unfolding in front of me.

“I was driving late on a Friday night, and some drunk ass-hole hit me head-on. I didn’t see him till it was too late to get out of the way, ’cause he was driving without headlights.”

No wonder my dad didn’t want me driving in the middle of the night on weekends. Not that that mattered anymore…

“I was fine,” Tod continued. “I hit my head, and the steering column came within inches of crushing my chest, but I would have lived. But my passenger wasn’t buckled. He flew forward and cracked the windshield with his head, and died a couple of minutes later. It was too late to call for an ambulance, so I did the only thing I could think of. I begged the reaper to give him more time.” Tod swallowed thickly, and I realized he was seeing something else again—maybe that dark road, more than two years in his past. “What he gave me instead was a choice. I could let the kid die—or I could take his place.”

And he’d done it, of course. That part of the story was obvious. But… “Why would you do that? Why would you agree to die for someone else?” I mean, my mom had done it for me, but I was her flesh and blood…

And that’s when I understood what Tod wasn’t saying.

“It was Nash, wasn’t it?” I whispered. Tod didn’t answer, but I could see the truth in his eyes. “Nash died, and you traded your life for his. And that got you noticed by the reapers.”

“More or less.”

“And he doesn’t know!”

Tod shook his head. “He would have been all messed up if he knew he was the reason I died.” He seemed to choke on a bitter laugh. “The joke was on me, though, because he blamed himself anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because he was the reason we were out so late. On that road.”

“You and I both died in car crashes…” I said, thinking out loud. “Do you think that means something?”

“I hope not, because you and Nash both died in car crashes,” Tod pointed out. “I got my chest beaten in by a pint-size reaper eager to fill the opening in his district.”

“If you hadn’t, I never would have met either you or Nash. And if Nash had never told me what I am, eventually I would have wound up in Lakeside again. Which means I would have died in the mental health ward.”

“Well, at least something good came out of the whole thing.”

“A lot of good came out of it, Tod. You’re like that guy on It’s a Wonderful Life, only the opposite—if you’d lived, bad things would have happened to everyone around you.”

Tod’s pale brows rose in surprise, then he burst into laughter. “I’m going to miss you, Kaylee.” His irises swirled slowly with an odd mixture of sorrow and wistfulness. “You have no idea how much I’m going to miss you.”

“Good. Maybe I won’t be out of mind as soon as I’m out of sight.”

“I saw you in the hospital once. Way before you started going out with Nash.”

“In the hospital…?” That was the day they checked me into Lakeside. It had to be. I hadn’t been in the hospital for anything else.

“Yeah. You were the first bean sidhe I heard sing for someone’s soul, other than my mom, but I didn’t realize that was you when Nash first introduced us. Do you remember seeing me in the hospital that first time?”

I shook my head, searching my memory but coming up empty. I must have been medicated. Or… “Maybe you were invisible.”

“I was. But you saw me anyway. You looked right at me, and the only way I’ve been able to explain that is that maybe I wanted to be seen by you—just you—even way back then.” His hand tightened around mine, and it was hard to believe I was facing death, when I felt so incredibly alive in that moment.

“Will you be there when it happens?” I blurted, caving to impulse, and his smile faded slowly at the grim reminder. “I don’t want my dad or Emma to see me die, but I don’t want to be alone, either. So…will you stay with me until it’s over? Please?”

For one horrible moment, I was afraid he’d say no. Afraid I’d asked too much from a relationship less than eighteen hours old. Then he leaned forward to kiss the corner of my mouth and whisper into my ear.

“Kaylee, I would do anything for the girl who granted my dying wish.”