In the Shadow of the Crown

The Spanish Marriage

THAT WAS A TRYING TIME. MY THOUGHTS WERE OF marriage. At last that blissful state, of which I had so often dreamed in the past, was about to come to pass. When I had been a little girl and betrothed to the Emperor Charles, my maids had told me with such conviction that I was in love that I had believed them. Now I told myself that I was in love with Philip, and I was in that state, with the image I made for myself, much as my women had made for me with the Emperor.

I lived in a dream: love, marriage, children. I had wanted them desperately all my life. Now I believed they were within my grasp. I did not remind myself then: I am eleven years older than he is; his father is my cousin. Did that make me his aunt? If there was a shadow in my thoughts, I dismissed it quickly. No, no. Royal brides and grooms were often related to each other.

It was a period of uneasiness. There were murmurs of discontent all over the country. Wyatt's head was stolen, presumably so that it should be snatched from the eyes of the curious and given decent burial. I should have been glad of that—those ghoulish exhibits always nauseated me—but it was a sign of sympathy with the rebels. It meant that Wyatt's followers were still to be reckoned with and were bold enough to commit an act which could result in their deaths.

This was not only a matter of religion. The main grievance was the Spanish marriage—though I supposed one was wrapped up in the other.

A hatred for Spaniards was making itself known throughout the country. Children played games in which Spaniards figured as the villains. No child wanted to be a Spaniard in the games, and it was usually the youngest who were forced to take those parts, knowing that before long they were going to be trounced by the gallant English.

There was the unpleasant affair of Elizabeth Croft. She caused quite a stir until she was caught. She was a servant in the household of some zealous Protestants who lived in Aldersgate Street. From a wall in the house a high-pitched whistle was heard. Crowds collected to hear the whistle in the wall, and then a voice came forth denouncing the Spanish marriage as well as the Roman Catholic religion. This continued for months, and there was a great deal of talk about “the bird in the wall.”

Susan told me about it. She was frowning. “People are beginning to say it is a warning.”

“How can there be a bird in the wall?” I demanded.

“And what would a bird know about these matters?”

“People say it is a heavenly spirit speaking through the bird to warn you.”

“Then why shouldn't this spirit speak to me?”

“This bird is supposed to be talking to the people, telling them they should never allow the Spanish marriage to take place.”

“That is what Wyatt said, and look what happened to him.”

“I suspect the voice is a human one,” said Susan.

“In whose house is it?”

“Sir Anthony Knyvett's.”

“Has he been questioned?”

“He swears he knows nothing of it.”

“It is silly nonsense.”

“Yes, Your Majesty, but the people gather to listen.”

That voice in the wall continued to be heard for a few more months before the truth was discovered. It was Elizabeth Croft, the servant girl. When she was caught at her tricks, she was sent to prison. Sir Anthony was innocent of any part in it, but the girl did confess that she had been persuaded to do what she did by one of the servants, a man named Drake who was a fierce Protestant and hated the prospect of the Spanish marriage.

Both Renard and Gardiner talked to me about the girl. It was not that she was important in herself but it was dangerous for people to believe, if only temporarily, that a voice from Heaven should denounce my marriage.

What should we do with her? She was a simple girl, I said, no doubt led astray by others—this servant Drake for one. A weaver of Redcross Street was mentioned, and there was a clergyman from St. Botolph's Church in Aldersgate also. I could see how the girl had been tempted, and I did not want her to be severely punished. It was enough that the people should know that she was a fraud.

She was taken to Paul's Cross where she made a public confession. This she was more than willing to do, feeling—and rightly so—that she had escaped lightly. After confessing to the trick she had played on the unsuspecting public, she knelt and asked God's forgiveness, and mine, for her wickedness.

She was sent to prison for a while and afterward released.

But the disquiet continued all through the months that followed. There was even dissension among the Council. Some of them, Gardiner and my good Rochester among them, who wanted a return to the Catholic religion but not to go back to Rome, believed that the interests of the country were best served with the monarch as Head of the Church. Paget, on the other hand, wanted a complete return to religion as it had been before my father had interfered with it. Then there was of course the Protestant element.

In addition to all this was the problem created by my sister. She was still in the Tower, and that worried me. Paget, among others, had often told me that while she lived I was unsafe and that the best gift I could have was her head severed from her shoulders.

Such talk did not please me. I could never forget that she was my sister. I remembered so well the bright little girl with the reddish curls and the shining eyes, so eager to miss nothing. How did she feel…a prisoner in the Tower? I doubted she was treated harshly. She would make friends of the jailers if necessary. She would always make friends of people who could be useful to her, and in view of her closeness to the throne, people would be wary of offending her.

I remembered her protestations of affection when we last met and her plea that I should always listen to her before judging her. I had not done that. I had refused to see her and had been prevailed upon to send her to the Tower.

I discussed her with Susan. I knew that to speak of her to Gardiner or Renard would only arouse their indignation against her, though I could tell them again and again that nothing had actually been proved against her. Wyatt himself had exonerated her, but they would never believe in her innocence.

But I believed in it, and as I felt toward her as a sister, I was sure she felt the same toward me.

I said to Susan, “I cannot be entirely at peace while she is in the Tower. She is a princess, my father's daughter, my own sister. How I wish that we could be friends!”

“Your Majesty should be wary of her,” said Susan.

“I know. I know. But she is my sister. It is for that reason I do not care to think of her as a prisoner in the Tower.”

“Perhaps she will marry.”

“Ah, if only she would marry abroad!”

It was an idea which persisted to haunt my mind.

I discussed it with the Council. Many of them thought she would be safer dead, but marriage did seem a way of disposing of her.

I said, “I will see my sister. Emmanuel Philibert, Duke of Savoy and Prince of Piedmont, would be pleased to marry her, I am sure. He would be a good match for her. She would then leave the country; people here would not see her and therefore not consider her as a rallying-point for rebellion.”

The more I thought of the idea, the more plausible it seemed. Emmanuel Philibert was one of those who had been chosen for me long ago, and I had forgotten now the reason why the match was put aside. There had been so many such cases.

So Elizabeth left the Tower and came by barge to Richmond, where the Court was at that time.

I sent for her.

She looked a little pale; her sojourn in the Tower had had its effect on her. It was natural that it should. How could she have known from one day to the next when she might be taken out to share her mother's fate?

She looked at me without reproach, almost tenderly, and I warmed toward her.

I said, “I greatly regret it was necessary to send you to the Tower.”

“Your Majesty is so just that you cannot endure injustice. I am innocent of all my enemies are contriving to prove against me. Your Majesty will know that my sisterly affection would never allow me to do aught to harm you.”

I nodded and said, “It is your future of which I am thinking.”

“Your Majesty, I should like to retire to the country. The air of Ashridge has always been beneficial to my health.”

I waved a hand impatiently and said, “I have a proposition to set before you. You are no longer a child. It is time you married.”

She turned pale and recoiled in some dismay.

“Emmanuel Philibert, Duke of Savoy and Prince of Piedmont, would be a worthy match,” I went on.

I saw her lips tighten, and a look of determination came over her face.

“I have no desire to marry, Your Majesty.”

“Nonsense. It is the destiny of every woman.”

“If that is her wish, Your Majesty. For myself … I would prefer to remain a virgin.”

“You speak of matters of which you have no knowledge.”

“I have an instinct that the state is not for me. I will not marry.”

She was looking at me steadily, and I could see the defiance in her eyes. Was it because she did not like the idea of Emmanuel Philibert, or was it marriage itself which was so repulsive to her?

I remembered the scandal about her flirtation with Seymour. I had seen her eyes sparkle with pleasure at the admiration of men. Why this sudden, almost prudish attitude? One should not force people to marry. My thoughts went to poor Jane Grey who had been starved and beaten and forced to marry Guilford Dudley. But how could I compare Elizabeth with Jane Grey?

If Elizabeth refused to marry, I could not force her. I was disappointed. It was an unsatisfactory meeting, and I dismissed her.

Why would she not marry? Because to marry Emmanuel Philibert she would have to leave the country and she did not want to do that. She wanted to be on the spot for any contingency.

But I was going to marry. I was going to enter a state of bliss, and I was sure that anyone who wanted children as much as I did must soon become a mother.

My happiness at the prospect made me lenient. Elizabeth should not be coerced, nor should she be forced; she should not return to the Tower. She was dangerous, of course, and I must take precautions. I knew what I would do. I would send for Sir Henry Bedingfield of Oxborough in Norfolk, who had been a loyal supporter of mine ever since I had been proclaimed Queen. He had been with my mother at Kimbolton during the last years of her life, and one of the first to rally to my side on the death of my brother. It is such things one remembers. When he came to me, the outcome was by no means certain, and I had been considerably heartened by the sight of him and his 140 armed men. He was severe and serious, but one of those men whom one would trust absolutely and whom a woman in my position wants to have about her. I had made him a Privy Councillor, and I knew I could safely put Elizabeth into his hands.

I explained to him that I wished my sister to be released from the Tower but that a strong guard must be kept on her, and he was the man I was going to trust with the task.

“Sir Henry,” I said, “I want you to serve not only me but the Princess Elizabeth. I fear there are some who, perhaps in their zealous care for me, might seek to do away with her. I want her to be guarded from such. It would cause me the utmost grief if aught happened to her and, although I were innocent of this, I should feel myself to be guilty.”

“Your Majesty shall have no fear,” he replied.

“I will guard the Princess with my life.”

“Thank you, Sir Henry. I put my trust in you.”

And I did.

Elizabeth complained bitterly, I know, of the stringent measures employed. She did not seem to realize that they were guarding her not only for my safety but for her own.

I was relieved when she had left for Woodstock under the guard of Sir Henry Bedingfield.

NOW THAT THE WYATT rebellion had been brought to a satisfactory end, Courtenay was removed from the Tower to Fotheringay. I intended that in time he should be released. He was little more than a boy—and a foolish, reckless one. I could not bear to think of that handsome head being severed. Antoine de Noailles had once said he was the most handsome man in England—and he was right. I had seen it in writing when Renard had intercepted some of his letters to Henri Deux. I really wanted to shut him away until he became less significant, and then release him and perhaps send him abroad.

Elizabeth was safe in the care of Bedingfield, and soon Philip would be arriving for our marriage.

But nothing seemed to run smoothly. The dissensions in my Council were growing. Paget and Gardiner were deadly enemies, and Philip appeared to be expressing marked indifference, for he made no move either to write to me or to come to England.

De Noailles… that man again… had now been forced to accept the almost certainty of our marriage, and it did not please him at all. However, realizing that all his attempts to stop it had failed, he shrugged his shoulders and said Philip and I deserved each other, which was meant, I am sure, to be uncomplimentary.

His brother Gilles, who proved to be a handsome and charming young man, had come to England. I could have wished he was in his brother's place.

He came to see me on a matter quite apart from state affairs. He told me that his brother, Antoine, had a newly born son and he would be so honored if I would help in the choice of godparents. Antoine would have asked me himself but he was afraid I did not regard him very favorably at the moment.

I was always delighted to be involved with babies and, in spite of the strained relations between the French ambassador and myself, and forgetting his blatant spying during the Wyatt rebellion, I said I should happily have undertaken the part of godparent myself but for the fact that I should shortly be going to Winchester, for what purpose he would know.

Gilles de Noailles bowed politely and smiled, as though he were delighted to see me so happy. How different from his brother, who had done everything he could to stand in the way of my happiness!

I chose the Countess of Surrey to act as my proxy for the christening, and Gardiner and Arundel were godfathers. My Council was amazed that I could give so much time to this man's affairs when he had proved himself to be no friend to me.

But I was so happy to be involved with a christening, praying all the time that I should soon be more deeply concerned with one nearer to me.

Meanwhile there were more misgivings. I had heard nothing from Philip himself. I had thought that he would write to me, send some token. The uneasy thought came to me that he was having to be persuaded, and I began to fear he might refuse me.

I knew the Emperor wanted the marriage, and that should be good enough. Philip could not disobey him. I did hope that my fears were groundless. I was now deeply in love, although I had never seen Philip. I assured myself that he was all that my romantic heart could desire.

There was whispering among the Council. Where is he? Why does he delay? What does it mean? Is this going to be another of those abortive betrothals? Will the Prince of Spain ever come to England and marry the Queen?

I would not listen to them. There must be some urgent matter which was delaying him. I knew the Emperor was always heavily committed, and naturally he would need the help of his son.

“All will be well,” I said to Susan.

But I could see that she was beginning to look a little worried.

Then, one June day, the Marquis de las Nevas arrived, bringing letters and gifts.

My happiness was complete. He was coming. He would soon be on his way. The weary waiting was over. Soon he would be with me. We should be married, and our happy life together would begin.

There were presents not only for me but for my ladies. There was a necklace of diamonds for me, and with it an enormous diamond with a pearl hanging on a long chain. It was the most exquisite piece of jewelry I had ever seen. I kissed it and told Susan I should love it always because it was a symbol of our love for each other. He also sent me a diamond mounted in gold which had been his mother's, given to her by the Emperor.

“Is it not beautiful?” I cried to Susan. “And doubly dear to me because it belonged to his mother.”

I had his picture. I thought he was wondrously handsome. They told me he was of short stature. Well, so was I, so we should match well together. I had not wanted a giant such as my father had been. Philip had a broad forehead, yellowish hair and beard, and blue eyes which might have been inherited from his Flemish grandfather; that he had the Hapsburg chin was evident.

How happy I was that night as I lay in my bed and thought of the future! There would be no delay now, and soon I should know that happiness for which I had so long yearned.

News followed. He would soon be on his way. Before he left, he spent a little time in Santiago with his son, Don Carlos. How I should have loved to be with them, to meet the boy. Philip would be a good father, I was sure.

It was touching that he had spent those days with his son, for when he was in England he would be separated from him. Perhaps some arrangement could be made. I could not leave the country. That was one of the penalties of queenship. Don Carlos might visit us. I would be a mother to him.

I could scarcely wait. Soon, I kept telling myself. And this time nothing will go wrong. I shall be a happy wife and mother.

At length Philip left his son and set out for Corunna, from whence he would sail for England.

There was trouble. It seemed there always must be. The English thought the Prince should sail in an English ship. This he refused to do and traveled in his own flagship, the Espiritu Santo. It must have looked splendid, upholstered in cloth of gold, displaying his banner. I was apprehensive and prayed that the weather might be calm. My prayers were unanswered, and for a day and night the ship battled against the elements, which must have been a sore trial to Philip, who was wont to be sick at sea. Fortunately in due course the gale abated, and by the time they came into sight of Southampton, the sea was as calm as anyone could wish it to be.

How glad he must have been to be on firm land—and, I hoped, to be brought nearer to me. It was a pity that our Admiral Lord William Howard should have offended him almost immediately. Howard, who prided himself on his bluff frankness, had made some jocular but slighting reference to the Spanish ships. I knew him well. He would have felt impelled to pierce Philip's dignity with what he would call good English humor. Philip would never understand that and would regard Howard's remarks as insulting. Then Sir Anthony Browne presented him with a white horse which I had sent as a gift. It was caparisoned in crimson velvet ornamented with gold. Philip said he would walk, at which Sir Anthony, who was a big man, lifted Philip, who was a small one, onto his horse; and although Sir Anthony kissed the stirrups as a gesture of deference, I cannot think Philip was pleased by the action.

While we were all in a fever of impatience, Philip stayed at Southampton, for the rain fell heavily and incessantly, which made traveling difficult; while there he met members of the Council and the nobility who had been waiting for him.

I feared he was not getting a very good impression of my country; and people were already beginning to say that the rain was sent by God as an omen.

Philip behaved with wonderful charm and astuteness. He must have been aware of the suspicions which were directed against him. I was delighted to hear that he told the Councillors that he had come to England not to enrich himself but because he had been called by divine goodness to be my husband. He wanted to live with me as a right, good and loving prince. He hoped they would accept this; and they had promised to be faithful and loyal to him.

The more I heard of him, the more I loved him, and I rejoiced because soon we should meet.

What was so delightful was that, after his first encounter with Lord William Howard, he made great efforts to establish a good relationship between them. They chatted together, and Philip did all he could to show an appreciation of Howard's jokes—which was noble of him, because they were not noted for their wit. He ordered that beer should be brought because he said that he wished, while he was in England, to adopt our customs.

This greatly pleased everyone, and I was so happy that my bridegroom was making such efforts to be accepted by my people. I knew how stubborn they could be, but I did believe he was beginning to win them to his side.

We were to meet at Winchester. The weather continued to be appalling. The rain was torrential. When Philip left Southampton, he had to borrow a hat and cloak to cover his magnificent apparel, but even this was not adequate to protect him, and he was obliged to stop on the way to change his garments. What he must have thought of our weather, I could not imagine. I hoped he did not notice the murmuring that it meant God disapproved.

Poor Philip, how uncomfortable he must have felt to arrive in Winchester, his beautiful velvet garments splashed with mud and his bedraggled entourage soaked to the skin.

Fortunately it was dusk when he arrived and, because of the weather, there were few to see him. He went to the church, and there it was a different story. People had crowded into the building more to get a glimpse of him than to thank God for his safe, if damp, arrival.

After the service of thanksgiving, he went to the Dean's house close to the church. He was to stay there. I was in the Bishop's palace. I was waiting with great impatience. This was to be the most wonderful moment of my life so far. I was wildly excited, and I could not hide my state. Susan was beside me with some of my other favored ladies. I was aware of their anxious eyes on me.

And then he came… escorted by a few of the Spanish nobles who had accompanied him.

My heart leaped with joy at the sight of him. Small he undoubtedly was, and slight, but I had been warned of this, and it mattered not at all. He was wearing a doublet and trunks of spotless white kid. His surcoat was white and silver decorated with gold and silver thread-work. His cap matched it, and in this was a long white feather.

As he came toward me, I was conscious of his handsome looks, his youth, and I was filled with apprehension because I was eleven years older than he and doubtless looked it, particularly after all the trials of the last year. How did I look in my black velvet gown, my petticoat of frosted silver, my headdress of black velvet lined with gold? Was I too somber? Was he going to be disappointed in me? Never had I prayed so fervently that this might not be so.

Now we stood face to face, smiling at each other. I kissed my own hand and took his. He was determined to follow our customs and kissed me on the mouth. I was so happy. I refused to think of my age and that I was not beautiful. I was the Queen, and this man was to be my husband.

I led him to a canopy of state and sat down with him.

He could not speak English, so I spoke in French, which he understood, and he replied in Spanish, of which I had learned a little from my mother.

I told him how glad I was that he had arrived safely, and he said that he was happy to be here.

I asked him to tell me about the crossing and his journey to Southampton.

It was all trivial conversation for two people who were shortly to embark on what is surely the greatest adventure in life. All the time we talked we were studying each other. I was enchanted. I should have been in a state of ecstasy if I could have stopped myself wondering what effect I was having on him.

He was so dignified. If he were disappointed, he would never betray the fact. He said that he must learn some English, for he felt greatly at a disadvantage.

I understood how he felt, I said, and he would be surprised how quickly he would become familiar with our tongue.

“I hope it will be so,” he said. “The people will expect that.”

“I will teach you,” I told him.

“Teach me what I shall say to the lords of the Council when I take my leave.”

“That is simple. You could say, ‘Good night, my lords all.'”

It was amusing to hear him struggling with the words. We smiled together, and I was happy.

Then he said he would introduce me to his gentlemen, and I should do the same for him and my ladies.

He called his party to come to us, and they were presented to me. I was immediately struck by Ruy Gomez da Silva, a most distinguished man who, I discovered later, was a very close friend of Philip.

Then we turned to my ladies. Philip kissed them all. I was rather surprised but he said, “It is an English custom, is it not? I am determined to follow the English customs.”

The ladies were flushed and smiling, liking the attention. And I smiled with them. I was so happy that everything seemed wonderful.

We parted and I returned to my apartments in the palace. Susan was with me.

“What thought you of him?” I asked.

She hesitated and I looked at her sharply. “He is handsome—as they said he was,” she replied.

“You sound reluctant to admit it,” I said.

“N…no. He is like his portrait.”

“But what, Susan?”

“He is a little solemn.”

“It is a solemn occasion.”

“But perhaps not so when he kissed the ladies.”

I laughed. “Oh, he is trying to please us all by following what he thinks are our customs.”

“The custom to kiss the ladies…”

“He has an idea that we kiss, and he has to do it on every occasion.”

“That is a custom of which you will have to cure him,” she said.

“Susan, you are like the rest. You are critical of all those who are not English.”

“Is that so, Your Majesty? Then if you say so…”

I was a little put out because I had the feeling that she did not admire him as I thought she should.

Later that day he called on me. It was dark; the candles had been lighted; he asked to be admitted to my presence, and I was delighted. How romantic, that he should come to me thus, unceremoniously.

“I must speak with you,” he said. “It is why I have come.”

“I am so happy that you did,” I told him.

“I have just heard from my father. He is giving up the kingship of Naples, and it is to be mine. He does this because he thinks you should marry a king and not a mere prince.”

“How delightful! How wonderful!” I took his hand and kissed it. “Your Majesty, I am happy for you.”

Philip did not smile easily, I noticed, but he looked gratified.

So I was betrothed not merely to the Prince of Spain but to the King of Naples as well.

By this time a delegation had arrived at the palace; the Council assembled, and with them all the ladies and gentlemen of our households, while a declaration of the Emperor's donation to his son was read out.

The Council was pleased and agreed that it should be proclaimed in the cathedral next day when the marriage took place.

It was a day to which I greatly looked forward but not without a certain trepidation.

The rain had ceased. I looked out of the window. How fresh the earth smelt—how green were the grass and trees. I could catch the sweet scent of flowers below me.

I was in love. Tomorrow would be my wedding day.

I said to myself: This night there is none happier in this land than its Queen.

IT WAS THE FEAST of St. James, which was appropriate, for St. James is the patron saint of Philip's country.

The church in which the ceremony was to take place was magnificently decorated with scarlet and cloth of gold.

I was at the church before Philip, having walked from the episcopal palace. I was wearing a gold-colored robe richly brocaded, trimmed with pearls and diamonds; my coif was decorated with two rows of diamonds; and the kirtle beneath my robe was of white satin with silver tracing. I wore the diamond on the chain which Philip had sent me, and my train was carried by Lady Margaret Douglas.

When Philip arrived, I felt gloriously happy. He looked magnificent in garments which I myself had presented to him. They were quite magnificent, and I congratulated myself that I had chosen just what suited him; and he had the grace to wear them, which was a compliment to me. But how they became him! The trunk-hose were of white satin worked with silver; he wore a collar of gold, diamond studded, and at his knee was the Garter which had been bestowed on him as soon as he arrived in England.

We took our seats in the two chairs which had been placed at the altar. Gardiner was waiting—with Bonner, the Bishop of London, and the Bishops of Durham, Lincoln, Ely and Chichester.

Before the ceremony began, the Regent of Naples declared to the assembly that his Imperial Master, Charles V, had resigned from his kingdom of Naples that his beloved cousin Queen Mary might marry a king.

Then we were married and when the ceremony was over seated ourselves in the chairs of state while the Mass was celebrated.

EVERY DETAIL OF THAT wonderful day stays with me. My memories comfort me when I am most melancholy. I want to keep that day fresh in my mind, for I was never so happy as I was then.

We went back to the Bishop's palace for a banquet. I do not remember what we ate. Philip and I sat side by side. I took covert glances at him, which was foolish of me because I should have known I would be closely watched and everything I did would be reported later. I did wish that my subjects would not be quite so zealous in stressing the point that I was the Queen of this realm and, important as Philip might be in his own country, here he was merely the Queen's consort. Why did they have to make his chair less fine than mine? Why should he be served from silver plate and I from gold? I was fully aware of the cold looks of the Spaniards as they noticed these details.

But I would not let that spoil my pleasure.

When the toasts and expressions of good will toward us were over, Philip and I drank one to the guests; and after that we went to our presence chamber so that the English and Spanish might mingle. Language presented a problem. There was dancing but the Spanish ways were different from ours. I remembered how my father had distinguished himself as the finest of dancers because he could leap higher than anyone else. The Spaniards walked in stately fashion rather than danced, and we English did not call that dancing. I think they were a little taken aback by our cavorting and pirouetting. I had always been fond of dancing and was able somehow to match my steps to Philip's. I have to admit that, stately though he was, he was no great dancer. But I loved him the more for this failing.

The festivities ended earlier than we had expected because of these differences in our speech and customs, and Philip and I were escorted to our separate apartments, where we dined. Afterward we met at the lodging where we were to spend our wedding night. We were taken there by members of the Council, and when they had conducted us to our bedchamber, they left us.

So we were alone together. I was apprehensive, lest I should not please my husband; if I did not, he did not betray it. Never had I imagined such kindness and courtesy. I was ignorant of the ways of married people and had only shadowy notions of what was expected of me. Philip, I knew, was greatly experienced in these matters. He had been married before, and was already a father. But I was as romantic as a young girl. I had lived with dreams.

I thought a great deal about our first encounter later, when he had gone. I wondered what was in his mind. One would never know with Philip. But I shall always remember his kindness to me, his patience with my ignorance.

And I was able to say to myself on that night: This is love.