Irresistible Refrain

35

After the haze of sensual bliss cleared, reality reasserted its claim. I padded into the bathroom to take a quick shower. When I returned, Bryan was propped up on his elbow, still naked and in the bed, the sheet draped casually around his waist. He was distracting as hell with his hair tousled and all that exposed skin over tight muscles. I was totally into him, and he knew it. His amused eyes gleamed back at me beneath his lowered lids.

My heart constricted as if he’d squeezed it in the palm of his hand.

Bryan Jackson was the perfect man for me in every way, the standard to which no other man could possibly measure up. The second night I’d spent with him only made me more certain of that fact. With Bryan making love was a two way exchange, a gift we gave to each other, the physical expression of our love for one other. We’d only just finished and I already wanted to do it again.

Badly.

I inhaled deeply and offered him a tentative smile instead.

He studied me a minute and his forehead creased. “What’s wrong?” he asked warily. “What’s going on inside that beautiful head of yours?”

I couldn’t fool him. There was no use trying. I sat on the edge of the bed, my back to him, gathering my thoughts as I knotted the bathrobe sash tighter around my waist. “It’s time to talk.”

“I agree.” His voice was deep and certain, and he scooted in behind me, his legs stretched out on either side. That felt really good. He was so warm. He moved my hair off my neck and kissed the spot where my neck met my shoulder. A shiver ran down my spine. He turned me around and arranged me on his lap. He gazed into my eyes and I realized I’d never seen him look so serious. “I want you to move in with me when we get back to Seattle.”

My heart leapt in the air. Shit. I hadn’t been expecting that. I closed my eyes and covered my face with my hands, so he couldn’t see how much I wanted to say yes. To be with Bryan twenty-four seven, to wake up every morning looking into those gorgeous grey green eyes, to go to bed with him every night, it would be awesome.

“That sounds wonderful.” I sighed, dropping my hands and opening my eyes to find him staring at me expectantly. “I really want to, but I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?” I felt his leg muscles tense beneath me. “The way I see it, we should have done this years ago. Maybe if we had…”

“Don’t. Regret is a dead end,” I said sadly. “One of the things they taught us in rehab is to use the lessons of the past as fuel for the future.” I ran my hand down the side of his stubbled cheek and trailed a finger under the black leather cord with the silver skull bead that he wore around his neck. I stared into his eyes, willing him to understand. But his guard was up again and it made me sad to see that. “Bry,” I tried to explain. “You went from being my best friend in high school to being my lover, and even if things hadn’t gone all wrong for us, I don’t think I would have been ready to handle something like that. I’m still not.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” He set me aside sharply and made a sweeping gesture with his arm indicating the bed. “Were you not just there with me? You know as well as I do what we did was a whole helluva lot more than just two people getting each other off. It’s always been more with you and me.” He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Are you saying that this was a mistake?”

I shook my head.

“Good.” He gave a curt nod. “Cause it’s not prom night anymore, Lace. Let me lay it all out this time just so there’s no chance for misunderstanding. I love you. I want you with me all the time. Don’t make it more complicated than that.”

“I’m not trying to.” I put my hand on his arm, but he shook it off. My throat tightened as I watched him go for his pants, yanking them back on. I pulled the lapels of the robe closer together, suddenly feeling cold. “Bry, please try to understand.”

He turned back around, his eyes flashing defensively.

“I love you, too,” I powered on. “But you’d have to be blind not to see what a wretched mess my life is right now. I need to get things straight first…before I get into a relationship with anyone.”

“I’m not just some random guy you hooked up with, Lace.”

Shit. I started to panic. That wasn’t how I meant it at all. He was taking everything I said and turning it inside out. “I know that…God, I know that.” I was finding it difficult to breathe. This was going even worse than I’d feared.

He must’ve noticed how freaked out I was. He moved back to the bed and knelt in front of me, his expression softening. “I know this is scary, Lace.” His voice was gentler and his eyes searched my face before he covered the two of my clutched hands with his own. “All the more reason for us to be together, so I can help you.”

I shook my head. “No, Bryan. I can’t let you do that.” If only I could explain it so he’d understand. “I can’t keep jumping from relationship to relationship every time I need a rescue. I’ve got to learn how to take care of myself for a change. It’s going to take work to become a better person, and that’s work that only I can do.” I glanced up at him hoping that I’d finally gotten through, but my heart stuttered when I saw how completely closed off to me he was.

“So you’re telling me you want me to put my life on hold again. To be on standby. To wait.”

Yes. “Yes.” I held my breath as I waited for his reply.

“How long do you estimate this process of yours is gonna take?” His voice was a really low rumble.

“I don’t know. Just until I prove to myself that I can do it, I guess.”

His jaw was rigid. An oppressive silence filled the room. I heard the air conditioner kick on, felt the cold air against the back of my neck, icy trepidation trickling down my spine. “I’ve waited through two guys for you. Look where that got you. Bad shit happens when we’re apart. We’ve both lost out on precious time that we should have spent together. And now that there’s nothing else in our way, you want to put up this wall between us? No, Lace,” he said firmly. “I’ve done all the waiting I’m gonna do.” I could see the anger and pain in his piercing gaze. “You decide. It’s got to be yes or no, right now.”

My heart froze completely solid. My chin dropped to my chest. A cold fist tightened around my throat. “No, then,” I whispered.

He didn’t say anything and that said it all. When I looked up, he was scooping his shirt off the floor.

Stop, my heart cried.

Please don’t go, my eyes pleaded.

But his face was an impenetrable fortress now. “Goodbye, Lace.” His words detonated inside of me like a bomb blast.