Kaiju Agonistes

January, 1978

The secret meeting with the Archbishop of New York is held in one of the nicely furnished oubliettes the Archdiocese maintains for miscellaneous chicanery somewhere under St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan. The Remote Messenger arrives by truck.

“His Holiness has asked me to emphasize that he regrets the recent outbursts of hysteria, which he believes have no basis in scripture and need not in any way reflect the official position of the church,” says the cardinal. “My opinion was not requested. So far as his Holiness is concerned, we must be reconciled to living in this world of God’s great mysteries, and must understand the inevitability of gray areas. Isn’t that just special.”

Your Eminence, I appreciate this gracious consideration.

“Stow it. I’m an errand boy.” The cardinal takes a report from the Opus Dei man to his left. “We have word that you are now handling significant investments on behalf of the Southern Baptist Convention.”

That much I can confirm.

“And we also understand that you, or perhaps your agents, have guaranteed them an annual rate of return not below eleven percent.”

Yes.

“Eleven. For that circus down in Nashville, eleven. Now what might you offer in exchange for a larger investment, from a more, ah, mature and international portfolio of holdings?”

I could very easily see myself offering twelve point five. Even thirteen.

“Thirteen,” says the cardinal, sucking his teeth. “Thirteen. Now, that’s an agreeable number, but it does have a certain unfortunate superstitious connotation. Can we go thirteen point five?”

Thirteen point five, then. If I concur that your investment is a significant enough percentage of your overall holdings.

“Well, rejoice. His Holiness will be so pleased. As his preeminent banking clerk in this zip code I might even get a taste. Who the hell knows?”

‘He heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them.’

“Look, you alien cash machine, if you’re going to quote the good book at me, don’t give me King James. Memorize the version with all the chapters. We’ll be in touch about our hedge funds.”