Katerina

18

I HAD A PRECIOUS TREASURE, a great treasure. I looked in his eyes, and I couldn’t believe my own. He was all light. We lived in a one-room apartment on the Jews’ street. It was April already, but the frosty wind still blew strongly. I stood at the window with Benjamin for hours, and thanks to his large eyes, I too saw miracles.

“Bird, Mama.”

“Bird.”

“All gone bird. All gone bird.”

Every word that left his mouth was like a joyous trumpet sounding.

Once again the nights hummed with quiet joy. I entertained my dear ones in my home, Rosa and Benjamin, and sometimes Henni too. My Benjamin spoke astonishingly well. Everyone called him the little prodigy, and I was astonished that I hadn’t heard that word before, a pretty word. Suddenly, Sammy broke in again, very drunk. I tried to hide him from my guests, but he overcame me, broke into the center of the room, and announced that the tyke was no miracle, just an unwanted child.

“You must watch over him carefully,” Rosa warned me.

“I’ll guard him like the apple of my eye,” I promised.

“He’s a marvelous child.”

Passover was again approaching, and I stood at the window so that he could see the movement, absorb the odors, and know that every holiday has its own color. The world isn’t confusion the way it sometimes seems. If Rosa were with us, we would celebrate the Seder with her. My dear ones were snatched away from me before their time. Had it not been for Henni, who removed me from the sewers of the railroad station, I would be wallowing there to this day.

Every few months, I sold a piece of jewelry. Every jewel I sold ripped my body. But the thought that I was raising a child, and that he would brighten everyone’s eyes, slightly sweetened my sadness. The jewels lay on my breast.

The thought that I had my own room and that my son was standing at the window and looking—those thoughts gladdened me always. In the evening I used to dress Benjamin, and we would go out to listen to the night noises. There were evil creatures in the city: drunkards who remembered me from the station, people from my village who lurked in wait for me, and plain evildoers who accosted me. I wasn’t afraid. When Benjamin was in my arms, I wasn’t afraid. Step aside and don’t stand in my way, I used to warn them, and if they provoked me, I cursed them and the mother who bore them.

One evening someone from my own village accosted me. He knew me at first glance and wouldn’t let up. I implored him, “We both grew up in the same godforsaken hole, my father knew yours, why are you annoying me?”

“Put down the bastard and come with me.” He didn’t heed my pleas.

“Why are you calling my son a bastard?” I couldn’t keep back my voice.

“Because he’s a bastard.”

I implored him, You see that I’m a woman alone, bringing up a child on my own. It isn’t easy to raise a child. But I’m doing it gladly, because he’s a good child. I spoke to him the way you talk to a relative, with all the homey words I had, but he stood his ground.

“Put down the bastard. I have a room not far from here.”

“How are you talking to a mother? I’m not a young girl anymore.”

“You sleep with everyone, but you won’t sleep with me.”

“Don’t talk down to me.”

“I need to sleep with a woman tonight,” he said to me with a bestial voice.

“Take some other woman. There are lots of women. Why do you want a woman with a child?”

“I feel like sleeping with you.”

I mustered my strength and raised my voice, saying to him, “If you get close to me, I’ll bite you like a bitch.”

“Whore,” he hissed.

“Bastard.” I wasn’t mute.

I was glad I had fought for my life. That night we didn’t stroll around anymore. We went back home while it was still light, and I immediately said to Benjamin, “You must be a brave boy. Without courage, there’s no life. We must exercise every morning. You have to make your muscles firm and be a lion cub.” I myself learned courage the old way. I had two or three drinks, my body warmed up, and I saw my departed mother before my eyes. My mother was a brave woman. Everyone was afraid of her. She never drank in public, always by herself, mainly at night.

In the evening, when we went out for a walk, I told Benjamin, “Don’t be afraid. When a person overcomes fear, he’s free. Fear makes everything ugly. You have to walk erect.” I doubted whether he understood, but I recited that lesson so that when the time came, when he needed it, it would be ready in his mind.

Nevertheless, our walks weren’t tranquil any longer. The city was full of peasants and peddlers, everybody shouting, threatening, and cursing one another. The sight wasn’t a pretty one. Except for the old Jews who would stand by the doors of their meager shops at that hour. Were it not for those thin creatures, who always spread awe, I would have shut myself inside my room. I was bound up with the gazes of those old men, sometimes forgetting that the city was swarming with evildoers.

Sometimes a man accosted me, and I would escape from him into a tavern. In the tavern, I would often meet my old acquaintances. I had met many people in my life. They wanted my body, and I had usually given them what they wanted.

“How are you, Katerina?” one of them called. They’d gotten older, too. Vodka had emptied their faces, and the skin of their hands had yellowed. Nevertheless, they asked, “Where can we find you, Katerina?”

“I’ve come home,” I said.

“What’s the matter? Has some disaster happened?”

“A person has to go home, isn’t that right?” I answered them in the language of the village.

That excuse was acceptable to them, for some reason, and they let me be.

But that one bully, that revolting villager, didn’t forget me, and every day he lay in wait for me. I sensed he was lurking, but because I didn’t see him, I believed it was just fear. During the last few days I stopped walking in side streets. We stayed in the center of town and went home early. I sensed that the hyena was lying in wait for me. At home I wasn’t tranquil, either. Every noise alarmed me, but I still refused to bolt the door. You mustn’t fear, I repeated to myself. If I’m afraid, Benjamin will be afraid too.

On Passover eve I was very happy, and in my great joy I swung Benjamin up in the air. Benjamin laughed, and his laughter rang out in the street. Afterward, I bought him some ice cream, and he asked for another portion. I bought it for him and called him my little glutton. He laughed. A few peasants stood at the side of the street, and they laughed too. No one disturbed me. Everyone was busy with final preparations for the holiday, and I, in my great haste, with a kind of recklessness, turned into an alley that would shorten my path home.

Just as I stepped in, as though out of a pit, that thug emerged and barred my way. I knew that was my end, but I still shouted, “Don’t touch me.” It was the same brute, that Karil, that villain, who had harassed me a few days earlier, but now there was courage in his eyes. He was inebriated but not drunk.

“Put down the bastard and come with me.” He grabbed my arm.

“I’m not afraid. You can slaughter me.”

“I said what I said, and I won’t go back on it.”

“I’m afraid only of God.”

“Put down the bastard,” he said, baring his teeth.

Murderer, I was about to shout, but before my voice could manage, he grabbed Benjamin from my arms and smashed his body against the wall. I saw, God in heaven, the divine head of my son, that vessel more precious than all vessels, smashed in two and spatters of blood darkening the dusk. For a moment I froze, but immediately, swiftly, I took out my jackknife. I leaped forward and grabbed his neck and cut and cut. I felt the knife in the tendons of his flesh and my hands dripping with blood. The thug flopped under my hands, he kicked his feet, but I didn’t let up. I carved him the way they butcher a beast in a meat shop.