Kill All the Lawyers

Forty-One

Steve lay on his back on a rickety raft that rose and fell with the waves. In the distance, lightning illuminated a shroud of fat silvery clouds, and a thunderclap smacked the water. Steve felt the raft pitch and roll, even as he realized he was home in bed. Painkillers will do that.

"God bless codeine."

He had said that to Bobby. Just a few hours ago. Or was it a few years? He didn't know how long he'd been in bed.

"God bless codeine," Bobby had repeated. "BEDSIDE NOSE CLOG."

Steve had laughed, stinging his lip where the stitches pulled at the skin.

"Everyone at school says you're a total mad dawg," Bobby had said.

"If that's a good thing, tell them thanks."

"You're the best, Uncle Steve."

The boy had smiled. They'd pounded knuckles. Bobby doing all the pounding. Steve couldn't lift his arm from the bedsheet. Still, when he saw the boy's grin, he felt he'd won the Nobel Prize for parenting.

A doctor who had once been a client stopped by. Or was he a client who had once been a doctor? Steve's brain was fuzzy. The doc said something about a hairline fracture of the zygomatic bone.

"The zygomatic?" Steve asked. "The machine that chops vegetables?"

"The cheekbone," the doctor explained.

Steve remembered now. He had defended the doctor in a couple of malpractice cases. Lost them both.

There was some sinus damage, too, the sawbones told him. Steve could expect his eyes to tear up unexpectedly. No big deal. That should go away.

"And if it doesn't?" Steve asked.

"Sue me," the doc said.

Crying wasn't so bad, Steve thought. Might be able to use it in closing argument sometime. Then there were the dozen stitches in his fat lip. Plus torn cartilage in both knees. Ice, anti-inflammatories, and rest.

"Don't worry, Steve. You'll be playing eighteen holes in no time."

"Great, Doc, because I've never played one hole my entire life."

Now he was cold. Both knees were wrapped in ice. On the bedside table were a variety of pill bottles, a pitcher of water, and the local section of the Miami Herald. A headline blared: "Lawyer Rescues Kidnapped Girl." He would check out the story later. Steve was reasonably certain that it would be more favorable than his last brush with celebrity, an item in Joan Fleischman's column headlined: "Lawyer Jailed Again."

He heard a pounding. Was it in his head? A dull thud, then a crack, like wood splintering.

Myron Goldberg and Eva Munoz-Goldberg came by. Myron had Steve open his mouth. Complimented his flossing and advised him to get that chipped tooth crowned. Eva gave Steve a deep dish of caramel flan she had baked. He ate it through a straw. Myron said they were dropping the assault-and-battery case, and Steve thanked him as he slurped up the sweet dessert. Eva patted his arm and said he was as brave as Maximo Gomez and Jose Marti.

Apparently, Maria had told her parents how Steve saved her life. How after Dr. Bill went overboard, Steve came to get her, even though he could barely walk and his face was swollen and bleeding. How he climbed the ladder to the bridge, dragging the chunk of concrete on his feet, moaning in pain. How he brought the boat back, banging into the seawall at the Coast Guard station on Miami Beach, then passing out. Steve was glad Maria told her parents all these things, because he couldn't remember any of it.

"Maria says you're a superhero," Eva told him.

"How's she doing?" Steve asked.

"Better than we could have hoped," Myron said.

"Bien," Eva said. "She's with Bobby right now. Studying."

"I'll bet," Steve said.

"He's a fine young man," Myron allowed.

"Of course he is," Eva added. "He's had good training." Then she reached down and stroked Steve's cheek. "Eres un melocoton en almibar."

Steve wasn't sure, but he thought she'd just called him a peach in syrup. Sweet. Suddenly, he felt a tear tracking down his cheek, then another. Then a torrent.

"You wonderful man," Eva said, her own eyes welling.

Steve decided not to mention his sinus problem.

Cece Santiago came by as the Goldbergs were leaving. The office phones had been ringing all day, she reported, people calling to congratulate him. No new clients yet. There probably wouldn't be. The newspaper story made it sound as if he were on his deathbed. Cece could only stay a minute. She had a meeting with her probation officer. Translation: another wrestling match with Arnold Freskin. And by the way, Arnie already asked Pincher to drop the charges. With both assault-and-battery cases dismissed, Steve wondered if he had any legal work to do.

He dozed for a while and dreamed his raft was sinking. He awoke to find his sister sitting on the edge of his bed, the soft mattress listing to starboard.

"Hey, Stevie. How you feeling?"

"Terrific. I'm starting to understand what you like about narcotics."

"Reminds me, bro. I got a job. Drug counselor over in Tampa."

"Great."

"As for the other stuff, filing for custody of Bobby, my lawyer says I'd be a fool to do it now. You're like a celebrity or something. Plus, I need the job so I can look good in front of the judge when I come back."

"No hurry, Jan."

She studied him a second. "Are you crying, bro?"

"Sinuses," he said.

He dozed off again to the sound of an electrical band saw. Either that, or a million bees were buzzing away in the living room. He awoke and found Irene Lord in the bedroom, running an index finger over the nightstand.

"You need a maid," she said, lifting a fingertip covered with dust.

"How you doing, Irene?"

"Carl left. Just picked up and left."

"I'm sorry. And surprised. I thought he really cared for you."

"I think he does. Yesterday he wired money into my account. From a bank in Moscow."

"Moscow?"

"E-mailed me, too. Said he discovered the lost treasure of the Romanovs. People all over the world are sending him deposits, claiming to be relatives."

"For a con man, he's got a good heart."

"Stephen, have I told you how dear you are to me?"

"Not that I recall, but I've been heavily drugged."

"I think you and Victoria are splendid together. Well, maybe not splendid. But for some reason, you seem to make her happy. And if she's happy, well. . I'm quite nearly pleased."

She leaned over as if to kiss him, thought better of it, and withdrew. But she did give his shoulder a pat. "Stephen, are you crying?"

"Sinuses," he said.

He fell back into a restless sleep, dreaming of his father. The old goat was building something. Noah's ark, maybe. He felt lips brush his and opened his eyes to find the most beautiful woman in the world kissing him. Victoria was wearing those stretchy workout pants that stop right below the knees and a flimsy sports top with thin straps. The top was cut low and stopped well above her flat tummy.

"You need a shave, slugger," she said. "And your breath smells like a wet donkey."

"What exactly does a wet donkey smell like?"

She kissed him again. "Never mind. I still love you."

"I love you, too, Vic." He licked his swollen lip and said: "I've been thinking about where we should live. If you want a condo, that's fine. You want a townhouse or a real house, that's fine, too. What I'm saying, anywhere is fine as long as we're together."

"You mean that?"

"With all my heart. With all my soul. With my last stinky breath."

She gave him an angelic smile and gently ran a finger across his bruised lip.

The pounding started again. Louder.

"Damn. What is that?" Steve said.

"You don't know? I thought Herbert told you last night."

"Last night, I was running a dogsled in the Iditarod. Although it's quite possible I was hallucinating."

"Come on," she said. "I'll show you."

She eased him out of bed. He threw an arm around her shoulder and she helped him down the corridor.

The living room was far too bright.

What the hell?

There was no back wall. Just a couple of vertical studs, the plasterboard blasted to smithereens. Herbert stood in the middle of the rubble, wearing khaki shorts and a yarmulke, holding a sledgehammer. His bare chest was covered with plaster dust. Steve vaguely remembered something about his old man building the Temple of Solomon, but this still didn't compute.

"The hell you doing, Dad?"

"What's it look like?"

"Vandalism."

"Ah'm extending your house into the backyard."

"Why do I think you're better at knocking down walls than building them?"

"Don't complain till you get mah bill. A new master bedroom with walk-in closets, and a family room."

"What for?"

"For you and Victoria, schmendrick."

Of course! His brain was still fuzzy, but it made sense. All the room they would need, even though the roof might sag and the walls would be out of plumb.

"Thanks, Dad. I saw this flat-screen TV the other day. Big as a garage door. Great for the family room."

"I was thinking about a piano for the family room," Victoria said.

"Big TV would be better. High-def for the ball games."

"I looked at this Steinway. The Living Room Grand model. It would be perfect."

"Only if you're living with Rachmaninoff."

"I'd like a grand piano."

"And I'd like a big-ass TV."

Herbert pointed the sledgehammer toward the opening in the wall. "Ah s'pose Ah could add a music room, if we encroach on the property line."

"Good compromise," Victoria said.

"I'm in," Steve said.

He wrapped an arm around both of them and gave a good squeeze. Bobby came into the room from the kitchen, nibbling on half an Oreo cookie. "Hey, Uncle Steve. What's going on?"

"I'm counting my blessings, kiddo. You want a group hug?"

"No way. Hugging's for babies."

Steve let his gaze take them all in. His father, his lover, his nephew. His blessings. He felt his eyes tear up.

"You crying?" Bobby asked.

"Sinuses," Steve lied.

SOLOMON'S LAWS

1. Lying to a judge is preferable to lying to the woman you love.

2. Thou shalt not screw thy own client …unless thou hast a damn good reason.

3. When you don't know what to do, seek advice from your father. . even if he's two candles short of a menorah.

4. If you're going to all the trouble to make a fool of yourself, be sure to have plenty of witnesses.

5. When a woman is quiet and reflective, rather than combative and quarrelsome, watch out. She's likely picturing the bathroom without your boxers hanging on the showerhead.

6. A creative lawyer considers a judge's order a mere suggestion.

7. When you run across a naked woman, act as if you've seen one before.

8. Love is chemistry and mystery, not logic and reason.

9. Q: What do you call a judge who is old, cantankerous, and flatulent?

A: "Your Honor."

10. You won't find it in Darwin, Deuteronomy, or Doonesbury, but it's an essential truth of human nature: we'll all kill to protect those we love.

11. I won't lie to a lawyer's face or stab him in the back, but if I have the chance, I'll look him in the eye and kick him in the cojones.

12. When you cut through all the bullshit of career, status, and money, at the end of the day all that matters is love and family.