Killer

chapter 12

present

The weekend was uneventful. My headaches were bad, but that was nothing new. Saturday night the same kid was working the security desk, and like the other times we didn’t say one word to each other, but I was beginning to prefer it like that. I made it through the night listening to a classic rock station without my mind wandering too much, which was about all I could ask for.

I had Sunday off, and I ended up buying a recliner, lamp and a few other odds and ends at a garage sale. The guy I bought the stuff from had a pickup truck, and for an extra ten bucks he agreed to help me move it all to my apartment. He didn’t recognize me, and acted both friendly and deferential as if I were some grandfatherly type. He kept asking me with genuine concern if I was okay while I carried my end of the recliner. It was funny in a way since he was breathing harder and was more red-faced from the effort than I was. Anyway, all of the stuff, including the extra ten bucks that I kicked in, ended up only adding up to seventy-eight dollars. The recliner, while a good twenty years old and kind of beat-up with its fabric stained and torn in spots, was comfortable. At least I had a good set-up now for reading.

There was nothing about me in Saturday’s paper. The Sunday paper had an article about me buried in the Metro section, and this time there were no pictures. Both Saturday and Sunday I went to the same diner for breakfast that I’d been going to every morning. It turned out Lucinda didn’t work weekends, which I was disappointed about. The waitress working in her place was a stout gray-haired woman in her fifties and just as surly as Lucinda had been that first day, but at least she didn’t recognize me. Not too many people seemed to. A few did, I could tell from their rubbernecking, and from the shift in their expression – from curiosity to something more like fear, but probably no more than ten people the whole weekend, at least as far as I could tell. None of these people bothered saying anything to me. Some would just move faster to get away from me, others would slow down to get a better look, but not a single word from any of them.

Sunday afternoon I thought about going to the horse track to try to parlay my dwindling funds into something more substantial, at least that’s what I tried telling myself. The truth was I missed going to the track. It wasn’t even the gambling as much as watching the horses. They were such magnificent animals. At one point I had dreamed of owning a race horse. I’d had enough money socked away where I could’ve done it, but then I would’ve had to explain to Jenny how I came up with all that money working at a liquor store. And Lombard would not have been happy with me doing something like that. Part of the deal had been for me to keep a low profile.

In the end I skipped going to the track and went to a free movie at the library instead. Too many people would’ve recognized me if I had gone to the track, and they were people better off not recognizing me.

It wasn’t until Monday morning when my cell phone rang again. Like before, the caller ID indicated the source of the call was unavailable. I let it ring through without answering it. Five minutes later when the phone rang again, I flipped it open and asked who was calling. At first there was nothing but static, then a man’s voice telling me to enjoy life while I still could. It sounded like it could’ve been the same voice I had heard before, but I wasn’t sure.

“You’re such a tough guy,” I said. “Why don’t you tell me this face to face.”

There was another long static-like silence where I wasn’t sure whether he had hung up. Then, “You’ll be seeing me soon enough, March,” and then a click as he ended the call.

Before that, I had been up for hours sitting in my recliner reading one of the books I had taken out of the library. I had a large stack of them piled up next to my chair. As I mentioned before, it was the best way I knew to kill those early morning hours and keep past memories at bay. It was a little past nine o’clock and the call had left me no longer in the mood to do any more reading. I got up and headed to the bathroom where I showered as much of the grime off of me as I could, then doused myself with cheap cologne. Each day the stench of prison was getting a little bit less. I could still smell it on me, but it took more of an effort now.

Lucinda was back at work Monday morning. At ten o’clock when I arrived there the place was mostly empty, and she gave me a wink on seeing me. Later, when I ordered French toast and sausage instead of my usual breakfast, she put her hands to her chest as if she were having a heart attack, then showed me a wry smile, commenting on how my brains were too scrambled to remember my “usual”. She chewed the fat with me for a few minutes, and between her sarcastic cracks, she let on that she was thinking of going back for a GED degree, maybe even college someday. When she came back with a pot of coffee, any suspicions she might’ve had after overhearing that so-called writer the other day were long gone.

I was about to leave when this biker-type walked in, and the way he stared at Lucinda put me back in my seat. He was in his twenties, a big guy wearing a black leather biker’s jacket, jeans, and biker boots. Tattoos decorated his neck and shaved skull.

Lucinda noticed him also and was trying to bravely stare him down, but I could see the worry creasing her brow. The guy walked up to her and grabbed her arm roughly. She tried to pull free but couldn’t.

“You bitch,” he said. “You gonna let me buy you drinks all night, then slip me like that? Fuck that.”

I walked over to him and told him to let go of her. He stared at me as if I were nuts.

“Gramps, this is none of your business. Beat it before you hurt your hip.” “Let go of her or I’ll break your fucking wrist.”

That just annoyed him even more. He reached out to push me away. I stepped aside and grabbed him by his fingers and twisted them back until he fell to his knees.

“You better fucking let go,” he demanded. He was helpless in the position I had him in. I increased the pressure until tears came to his eyes.

“A little more pressure and your wrist snaps,” I told him.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“Really? With two broken wrists? ’Cause after I break this one I’m breaking the other.”

Lucinda had been watching this quietly. “Should I call the police?” she asked me.

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” I addressed the guy on his knees, the one whose wrist I was nearly breaking. “How much did you spend on drinks last night?”

“Fifty bucks,” he forced out.

With my free hand I took my wallet from my pocket and handed it to Lucinda. “Count out fifty dollars and give it to this scumbag.” After she did that I told the guy he had two choices, accept the money and get the fuck out of there or have more than his wrist broken. I let go of him then.

He stood up holding his wrist as if I had broken it, which I hadn’t. For a moment it looked like he wanted to take a swing at me, but instead he pocketed the money and called me a fucking lunatic before heading out the door. Lucinda stared at me with amazement. “I’m breathless right now,” she said, and she sounded it.

She had me sit back down, and brought me over a piece of cherry pie and a fresh coffee. I sat for a while eating while she kept me company. When I told her I better get going, she looked worried.

“He might be out there looking for you,” she said.

“Nah, he’s a coward.” I hesitated, then asked, “Whatever possessed you to let someone like that buy you drinks?”

She smiled at that. “I ended up ditching him, didn’t I?”

I couldn’t help smiling back at her. I nodded to her as I left the diner. I looked around to see if he was out there waiting for me, but I guess he had better sense than to be waiting for a lunatic.

Later that morning I went back to the store that sold me my cell phone, but the salesman I had dealt with still wasn’t there. The only person working in the store was the same salesgirl I had tried talking to earlier, and she looked horrified when she saw me walk back into the place. I didn’t bother talking to her, and instead just turned around and left.

It was a warmish October day and the sun felt good on my face. With nothing else to do, I took a walk down some side streets and ended up stumbling upon the Charles River. I walked along it until I found a grassy spot where I could sit and watch the water. My pop used to tell me how he swam in the Charles River when he was growing up, but by the time I was a kid the river had gotten too polluted for anything like that. Not only was it a yellowish brown color but you could smell the chemicals and sewage that came off of it. Now as I sat there the water looked clean. I wondered briefly whether it actually was or if it was an illusion with the muck and filth still there but better hidden beneath the surface.

Looking out over the water, my thoughts slowly drifted to Jenny. She had to know early on that I was involved in some sort of shady business. We had too nice a home and too many other nice possessions for me to have just been working at a liquor store, and she was too smart not to know I couldn’t’ve made all that extra money betting on the horses like I used to tell her I did. I’m sure she never suspected me of being a hit man, but she knew something was up. There were those times I’d catch her giving me an odd look before she’d realize it and correct it. And then there were those times when I would need to leave town for days or longer, and those questions she’d swallow back when I would return home. It must’ve crushed her when she found out the truth, but even then she tried to hide it from me and put a brave face on. She never abandoned me, and right up until the end before cancer got her, I knew she would’ve been waiting for me if she could’ve.

It was hard thinking of her dying the way she did. I knew it had been a long, painful death for her. My mom had written me several letters letting me know what Jenny went through. Even through all of that, Jenny acted cheerfully the few times I was able to reach her by phone, trying to pretend there was nothing wrong with her.

When she finally succumbed I didn’t know about it until months afterwards. By this time my mom had already been dead for six months, and I had no contact with my kids. I guess the prison officials left responsibility for informing me about my wife to my kids, or maybe things just slipped through the cracks. Even at this late date I didn’t know where Jenny was buried, but I guess it didn’t much matter. It wasn’t her there, just some bones left from her. It wouldn’t make any difference if I visited the grave or not. Nothing could change that she was gone.

I tried hard to remember what my wife looked like, but I could only bring up a vague impression. It had been years since I’d been able to picture how Jenny looked. I had little to console myself over what happened with her other than I’d been able to tell her where my safety deposit boxes were without the federal or state officials ever having any idea about them. At least she had been able to live out her last few years in comfort before the cancer hit her, and my kids were able to go to college.

After a while I found that I had stopped thinking of Jenny, and instead my thoughts had moved on to my victims. It wasn’t so much that I was trying to make peace with what I had done as trying to understand how I could’ve done what I did. I tried to make some sense of the person I was now and who I used to be and the brutality back then that I was capable of. I thought about the biker in Lucinda’s diner whose wrist I almost broke, and wondered whether that meant anything, and decided it didn’t. But even with who I was back then, I never once laid a finger on my wife or kids. They never once looked at me with fear or dread. I tried to put that in perspective with what I used to see in my victim’s face before the last moment, but it exhausted me.

Eventually I gave up trying to make sense of it. Instead, I focused on just clearing my head and trying to think of nothing. More than anything I wanted to just lie back and enjoy the feel of the sun on my face. It didn’t work. Too many memories pushed their way through, and before too long I had to get up in my attempt to outrun them, or at least outwalk them.

I spent the rest of the morning and a good part of the afternoon walking along the Charles River trying to leave those memories far behind, one in particular which especially haunted me. It was four o’clock when I returned back to Moody Street. I ate an early dinner at a Korean barbecue place. The prices were cheap and the food tasted good, and for the most part I was too tired to pay attention to those old memories. After a couple of beers it wasn’t even an issue.

That night when I left work, I thought I again saw a black sedan following me. I had this impression that it had turned down a side street, but by the time I looked for it, it was gone, nothing but a mirage. I was bone-tired, especially after all the walking I’d done earlier, and decided my mind had to’ve been playing tricks on me – it wasn’t as if I could actually remember hearing anything, or for that matter, seeing anything once I rubbed the exhaustion out of my eyes, but still, it left me feeling unsettled.

Tuesday turned out to be uneventful. It was especially quiet that morning at the diner and Lucinda ended up sitting down at my table and reading me prose from a notebook that she kept. When she asked me what I thought, I could see the anxiousness in her eyes and tugging at her mouth. I told her the truth, that I thought it was good, and she made a few cracks, both self-deprecating and insulting, about the state of my mental faculties if I thought that crap was any good and how ridiculous it was for her to care anyway about what a senile old coot like me thought, but I could tell it was a relief to her that I liked it, and she seemed to move lighter on her feet afterwards.

Later, I tried the phone store again, and my salesman still wasn’t there. I spent the rest of the morning at the library searching through old newspapers. Eventually I found Jenny’s obituary. It talked about her being a loving mother and sister, but nothing about being a loving wife. I was left out of it. I wished my kids had included a picture of Jenny with the notice. The only small bit of consolation I pulled out of it was I now knew where Jenny was buried.

I thought about why my kids had left her picture out of the obituary, and decided they had done it intentionally thinking that someday I’d be out of prison and I’d be looking for it. The day I found out about Jenny dying, I left messages with both Michael and Allison, asking if they could send me a picture of their mother since the ones I had brought to prison years earlier had disappeared from my cell. If my kids heard my messages, they didn’t bother responding to them and I never received any pictures in the mail. To make matters even more pointless, the cemetery Jenny was buried in was in Revere and right in the middle of Lombard’s territory. I wouldn’t put it past them having someone watching Jenny’s gravesite. Maybe when I know my time has run out, I’ll make the trip. For now it wouldn’t be safe for me to go there, and I wasn’t about to commit suicide – at least not yet, and especially not by proxy.

That night I couldn’t help feeling a heaviness in my chest as I cleaned the office building. I tried listening to music, but my mind kept wandering too much, and I ended up tuning into a talk show. More scandals had broken since I’d been released from prison. The big one that they talked about that night was the recent shooting involving a ball player at a local club. The ball player, who was unhurt, had supposedly been the target for the shooting but a bystander was the one who took a bullet in the neck and was now in critical condition and on life support. The people calling into the talk show were speculating that the ball player had fired shots also, maybe even the one which wounded the bystander. I was quickly fading into yesterday’s news.

When I walked home later, I tried to stay alert. The streets were empty and I didn’t see any cars. No one was out there looking for me. I pretty much convinced myself that I must’ve been seeing things the other night.

It was twenty past two by the time I got back to my apartment. I almost called my son, Michael. I wanted to. I had the cell phone out and had keyed in his phone number, but in the end I flipped the phone shut. If I had made the call at that hour all I’d be doing would be giving him and his wife more ammunition to use against me. At least I had enough sense to realize that, and that was mostly why I didn’t make the call, but I guess it was also partly that I hadn’t worked up the nerve yet to do it.