Land of a Hundred Wonders

Free at Last

After sliding into a spot in the sheriff station lot, I get to feeling so jumpy that I forget to put the truck in P and it hops halfway to the Methodist church. Sure as May follows June, Reverend Jack will tell me during our visit next week that breaking Cooter Smith out of jail was not an appropriate way for me to behave. (Sorry, Reverend. There’s no two ways about it. I can’t let Grampa or Clever down.) If I don’t cut Cooter loose now, the sheriff is gonna settle this nastiness between them once and for all. Like all feuds, this one goes way back. “Niggas belong in their place, and that Smith boy is overreachin’ his,” is exactly what LeRoy says after he’s had a few too many down at Frank’s Tap. “Like Daddy Carl always said, ya get ’em educated and they’ll turn into rabble-rousers.”

What LeRoy’s referring to is when Cooter went off to that college in North Carolina, but he doesn’t have that right. Miss Florida told me that Cooter was a Blue Devil, not a Rabble-Rouser, which just goes to illustrate how messed up the sheriff’s thinking can get when Cooter Smith is the subject of the conversation. You’re probably thinking it’s his color that makes the sheriff hate Cooter so, but you’d only be a little right. Mostly, it’s love.

Cooter’s mama, Darnell, the one who went missing selling peanuts up roadside years ago? Clever told me that Janice told her that back when the bunch of them were young, the sheriff was badly smitten and having bushels of hot sex with the lovely Darnell. But Darnell, not equally smitten, she up and dropped the sheriff and took up with Cooter’s daddy, Willie. Who Cooter takes after EXACTLY. I mean, like an identical twin. I’ve seen pictures. So that’s why I’ve always thought the sheriff has it out for Cooter. LeRoy was scorned. And he’s still furious as hell.

Focus… Gib… focus. Keep your mind on THE PLAN. Pulling open the station’s front door, I call out, “Anybody home?” The only greeting I get back is Skeeter Davis singing out from a radio, so I make my way toward the back room where I know they do all their important business. This is where me and Grampa get our fishing licenses. There’s knotty wood paneling and file cabinets and telephones and Deputy Jimmy Lee Boyd. His head is lying flat on one of two metal desks next to a burger bag from Teeter’s Drive-In. Boy, this is going to be A LOT easier than Clever and me figured on. Let’s see… from what I remember from my western movies, the cell keys should be hanging on a hook right around this…

“Hey,” the deputy pops up saying, a paper clip stuck to his flushed cheek. “Didn’t hear ya come in.”

A few years older than me, with a button nose and the type of sandy hair that always looks like it could use a wash, the deputy is the only child of Miss Loretta, who owns Candy World. She accidentally dropped him into one of her steel melting-chocolate vats when he was a baby, so Jimmy Lee is well known for being sorta dumb. But good with a gun. Almost always wins the target-shooting contest during Cray Ridge Days.

“Well, hey, Jimmy Lee,” I say. “How ya been?”

“Fine as a frog hair,” he says, trying to hide a yawn. “What can I do ya for today, Gib?”

“I… ah…” (Clever and me hadn’t planned this part out. Least I don’t think we did.) "I… um…” There’s a CRAY RIDGE DAYS AUGUST 16-23 FUN FOR EVERYONE poster sitting on the corner of his desk. “I… ah… stopped by to see if you or the sheriff wanted to buy some raffle tickets.”

“Already got mine.” Jimmy Lee squints toward the big black clock on the wall. “Almost one thirty, the sheriff should be back from lunch soon. Maybe he’d like a couple,” he says, peeking into the top of the burger bag with a disappointed grunt. “Sorry to hear about your grampa’s heart givin’ out, by the way. How’s he doin’?”

“On the mend,” I say, my eyes scouring the room. I don’t see a cell key hanging anywheres in plain sight and I don’t have a bunch of time to go looking for it. I need to get over to the hospital to make sure Grampa really is on the mend.

Jimmy Lee says, “Been hot, ain’t it?”

“Sure has.”

“Ya hear ’bout the goin’s-on in Browntown?”

“No, I haven’t,” I lie. The jail key must be in his desk or something. “What happened?”

“There was a fire,” he says, getting all revved up.

“A fire? In Browntown? Why, Jimmy Lee, that’s a front-page story! Would ya mind terribly if I interview you for the Gazette?” I ask, with no intention whatsoever of doing so.

“Why, an interview’d suit me just fine, sugar.”

“Well then, let’s get started.” I sit down across from him, trying to look as professional as can be. “Oh, my goodness, ya know what I just remembered?”

“What?”

“Well, over the years of interviewing important subjects from all walks of life, I’ve found a bitty bite of something sweet helps my subjects to… well… maintain their liveliness. Would ya care for a coupla your mama’s chocolate-covered cherries ’fore we begin? Just happen to have some right here,” I say, gratefully recalling THE PLAN. Clever slipped the pills through a hole she made in the bottom of the candy with a pencil. They’re a mite melty from being in my pocket too long, but Jimmy Lee won’t mind. The boy loves his vittles no matter the form.

“Don’t mind if I do,” he says, lifting the chocolates outta my hand and disappearing them into his mouth.

I hope Clever was right. She figured if Billy has to take one tranquilizing pill to calm himself down, it’ll take at least three of ’em to knock Jimmy Lee’s “lard ass out.” (The Kid’s nimble fingers stole the pills right outta Billy’s pocket.) “How about another?”

“And that fire ain’t all that’s been happenin’ in Browntown,” he says, plucking the chocolate outta my palm. “More goin’ on over there last night than a Ringlin’ Brothers show.”

“Oh, Jimmy Lee,” I chuckle. “You are the funny one.” (Clever also instructed me to give any male I run across during the course of the jailbreak tons of compliments. High praise makes men putty in a girl’s hands.) “Do go on.”

Giving me a know-it-all grin, he says, “Guess who we found in the dump once we got the fire put out?”

“I’m sure little ole me has no idea.”

“Buster Malloy.”

“No!”

“Yup,” he says, swiveling back in his chair, elbows akimbo. “There he was… the next governor of the fine state of Kentucky… lyin’ in the rubble, his body burned blacker than Moses Washington at midnight.” (Mr. Washington is the deacon at First

Ebenezer and is colored in a way that there is no mistaking which side of town he belongs on no matter what time of day.)

“Ya got any idea who murdered him?” I ask, fawning.

“Sure do. Cooter Smith done it. We already got him locked up.” The deputy takes the keys out of his pocket, jangles them in my face, and shoves them back in.

This is NOT going so well. I told Clever we shoulda given him four pills, instead of three. Jimmy Lee doesn’t seem tranquil at all. In fact, he seems darn right perky.

“Got any more of them cherries?” he asks.

“Sorry, I’m clean out.” I got to stall until I can come up with another plan. “My, oh my, a thirst has snuck up on me something bad. Might I trouble you for a cup of that cool water?” I ask, pointing to the cooler over in the corner in a damsel-in-distress kind of way.

“Comin’ right up.” The deputy takes some time to pry himself outta the chair. “If’n this deputyin’ don’t work out, maybe I could get me a job at Top O’ the Mornin.’ Hardy… har… har.” Squatting down in front of the cooler, he says, “Shoot. Looks like we outta cups. Gotta get some from the supply room. Be right back.” And off he goes, maybe… wobbling? Yes! He is definitely looking rubber-legged, but I don’t know how long that’ll last. I gotta hurry. I know where the key is now… but…

According to The Importance of Perception in Meticulous Investigation: Searching the Premises:In the midst of a case, an operator must take every opportunity to uncover any and everything that might help solve the case. You never know when something useful might turn up.

Sitting down behind the desk that’s got a SHERIFF LEROY JOHNSON plaque on it, I pull open the top drawer. All it’s got is some worn-down pictures of women in skimpy nighties, a couple of gnawed pencils, and a ballpoint from Chessy’s Feed and Grain.

“Can’t find the cups,” Jimmy Lee yells from down there somewhere. “Thtill sirsty?”

“Parched,” I shout back.

Desk drawer two is stuffed with envelopes and a.22. I relocate the gun to the small of my back. Just in case. My grampa taught me how to shoot. I do okay. (I’m showing off my humble here. Remember when I just told you that Jimmy Lee almost always wins the target-shooting contest at Cray Ridge Days? Guess who wins the other times. Yup. I can shoot the eye out of a squirrel from fifty yards off. Used to be able to anyway.)

“Gotch ’em,” Jimmy Lee slurs out.

“Bless your heart,” I call back, moving down to the last drawer of the sheriff’s desk. Lo and behold! Lying right on top, it’s my pictures of Mr. Buster Malloy! On Browntown Beach. Dead. How the hell did LeRoy get ahold of ’em?

“Gotta, just gotta get, this larder moved to here and…,” Jimmy Lee shouts, dragging something.

Oh, mother of pearl! I know who gave the sheriff my shots of dead Buster Malloy. Had to be Mr. Bob of Bob’s Drug Emporium. I heard tell from Mr. Cubby, the taxidermist, that if you take in pictures to get developed, and if they’re of things that Mr. Bob Johnson, the Christianist of Christians, doesn’t think are the moral thing to be taking pictures of-for instance, a stuffed alligator and a stuffed bear positioned so it looks like they’re having hot sex-well, when you come to pick up your pictures, he’ll waggle his finger at ya in the name of the Lord, and turn them over to his baby brother, LeRoy. I shoulda remembered that. Next time I’ll take my film over to Appleville to get developed.

Just as I’m shoving my pictures of dead Mr. Buster next to the.22, the awfulest screech echoes down the hall, chased by a crashing thud.

“Ya all right?” I yell, hurrying. “Jimmy Lee?” Peeking my head into the supply room, there he is, splayed out on the concrete floor, a box of Dixies his pillow.

Well… well… well. Didn’t that work out nice. REAL NICE. Just the way the Kid planned it. I’m ashamed I doubted her. (As we all know, the girl is criminalistic by nature.)

I help myself to the keys in his pocket and jog the rest of the way down the hall. Using both hands on the heavy jail door, I wait for my eyes to adjust to the dim light. Behind the bars to my right, there’s a body lying long, but it’s shadowy, so I can’t tell for sure if it’s Cooter. Outta the other cell to my left, Aqua Net and whiskey are drifting my way, bringing to mind all the other times I been in this jail with Clever to retrieve her mama after one of her benders. So that’s why Top O’ the Mornin’ was so haunted looking. Miss Florida can’t run the place all by herself. And instead of helping her, taking care of the diner like she said she would, selfish, selfish Janice Lever got herself pie-eyed last night and here she is, sleeping it off. So tempted am I to shout at her through the bars, “When exactly are ya gonna start deliverin’ on your promises? Especially the one to Clever to make up for all your bad motherin’?” but battling with Janice is not why I’m here.

“Cooter?” I call into the other cell. “It’s me. I’ve come for ya.”

“Gibber, that you?” comes off the bunk.

Remembering that LeRoy Johnson and his.38 Special are speeding their way back here on a full stomach is getting me cranky. “Well, I just said it was, didn’t I?” I slip one of the keys I got outta the deputy’s pocket into the cell lock, but it doesn’t budge.

“It’s that one,” Cooter says, getting up close to the bars and pointing to a key that’s larger than the others. He looks only slightly worse than I thought he would. His right eye is swoll shut and his top lip has a jaggedy cut that looks fresh. On his forehead, a lump the size of a doorknob is sprinkled with blood.

This is NOT going smooth like it does in the movies. Cooter doesn’t rush out when he hears the lock clank open, sayin’, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I owe ya my life.” He stands steady and says, “This some sorta trick?”

A gurgling groan comes from the supply room.

“No time to explain now,” I say. “Sounds like Jimmy Lee is comin’ to and the sheriff’s gonna pull up any second.”

Cooter glares at me with the eye that isn’t closed up tight like a string purse and finally gives the cell door a push. He’s gimping. "LeRoy piped my bad knee.”

“Ya need help?” I ask, offering my arm to steady him.

On our way past the supply room, Cooter hops in and slides the deputy’s gun free from his holster, saying, “Been my experience, the Lord helps those who help themselves.”

“Amen to that, brother,” I tell him, patting the.22 and my dead Mr. Buster pictures. “Now how’s about we get the hell outta here.”