Let Me Die in His Footsteps

7

DADDY CARRIES JUNA home, up the gravel drive and toward the house. I run ahead, and when I near the front porch, I slow to a walk because someone is sitting on the top step. I draw in a few deep breaths and think to holler at Dale to go inside before Daddy gets ahold of him. Daddy will whip Dale for causing all this fuss. Taking a few more steps and glancing back to see if Daddy has seen Dale yet, I hurry ahead so I can warn him without Daddy hearing, but as I walk another several feet toward the house, I see it isn’t Dale sitting there on the step. It’s Abigail Watson.

Still wearing her long-sleeved dress and the same white cap, Abigail stands. A white apron is tied at her waist, and her skirt is stained at the knees, most likely from working in her grandma’s garden. “Something’s wrong,” she says. “Ain’t it?”

“Did you find him?” I ask. “Did you ever see Dale today?”

Her face is small enough to hold in one hand, and she’s reached that stage where her arms and legs have grown too long and thin for the rest of her body.

“I didn’t never see him, Miss Crowley,” she says, taking a swipe at her small, teary eyes with the heel of one hand.

“You go on,” I say to Abigail as I run up the stone stairs. “Go on and bring Abraham. Tell him to come right away.”

I throw open the front door and call out for Dale. The air inside is stale, smells of warmed-over coffee and Daddy’s cigars. In another house, folks might not concern themselves so with a boy Dale’s age staying out past dark. But Dale is sweet and soft, so sweet and soft he shames Daddy. Dale is meant to carry on the family name long past the day Daddy is dead and buried, something Juna and I can’t do. A soft man might not be fit to do so either.

I look for the pail I packed with Dale’s lunch. He is as tidy as he is clean. He would have hung it on the hook near the door where it belongs. The hook is empty. The spot near the stove where he always sets his shoes, side by side, is empty.

Daddy walks through the door, pauses long enough to see in my eyes that Dale is not here. He walks with his head turned off to the side so as to not look at Juna and carries her through the kitchen and into the bedroom where she and I sleep. In bed, she sinks into the feather ticking, rests her hands on her chest, runs the tip of her tongue over her cracked lips. Daddy looks down on the bed, but not into her eyes, and then, remembering his hat, he pulls it from his head and slaps it against his thigh. He is waiting for Juna to tell us where Dale has gone. He slaps that hat against his leg. Slapping it harder and harder. The smell of him, sour and salty, rises up with each slap. Already, he’s asked Juna four times where Dale has gone off to, screaming at her the last time.

“Won’t do no good,” I say. “She’ll come around.”

Daddy shudders as if to rid himself of whatever blight Juna might have left behind and, without speaking another word, walks from the room and closes the door.

“Let’s sit you up,” I say, sliding one hand behind Juna’s head. “Too much sun, is all. Be feeling better soon.”

I strip her of her limp dress, leaving her to lie in her cotton slip, its straps frayed and yellowed from too many washings. Then I help her lie back again and drape her with a sheet. Outside, the orange light has faded. Shadows dart past the window, bats frightened from under the sill. I leave and return with a saucer. I douse a stiff gray rag and twist it with both hands. Water drips through my fingers and into the saucer. Outside, insects buzz. Trucks crunch over the gravel. Footsteps pass by. I pat the cool cloth to Juna’s cheeks, chest, and forearms. The sharp smell is vinegar-vinegar water to soothe her sunburned skin.

“You need to drink as much as you can manage,” I say, pressing a tin cup to her mouth.

The cool water makes her lips shine. Her face is burned to a dark red, and a white streak cuts across her forehead where she had been wearing a hat. Her hair, which usually hangs in loose waves well past her shoulders, now hangs like twisted straw. Her fingers are stained brown. Each time I try to clean them with my rag, she cries out. After she drinks the water, I feed her cornbread dipped in cane syrup. The yellow pieces crumble as I press them into her mouth, and bits fall to her chest and onto the sheets.

“You’ll tell us what happened when you wake,” I say, but Juna’s eyes are already closed.

They find Dale’s hat straightaway. Daddy stomps up the stairs, waving it in the air and then in my face. John Holleran follows. He removes his hat and dips his head in my direction. I try never to think much about John Holleran even though I know he has a liking for me. His mama gave me my name, and she has the know-how and is all the time saying John and I have a clear and bright future together. John is a good man, much kinder than Daddy, but he can only offer me the life I’m already living. I take the hat from Daddy and look from one man to the other, waiting for one of them to explain.

“You wake her,” Daddy says, pointing at the closed door. “You see to it she tells us where the boy has gone, or I damn sure will.” Even as he says it, Daddy fades from the door. He’s weighing what’s before him. Juna already took his wife, his crops, and now she’s making it clear she can take his boy too, if she’s so inclined.

John Holleran takes the hat from me, lays it in the center of the table, and sets about lighting more candles. I motion toward the pot of coffee and walk into Juna’s dark room. With nightfall, the air has turned damp and cold. To warm my hands, I rub them together before wrapping one around her shoulder and shaking her awake.

“They found Dale’s hat,” I say when her eyes flicker open. They’re like black stones looking up at me. “Daddy found it. That’s good.”

I sit next to the bed on a small round stool I brought in from the kitchen, dip the rag in the cool water still tangy with the vinegar, fold it in half, and drape it across Juna’s forehead.

“You have to tell me what happened,” I say, hoping I don’t sound afraid. “You didn’t leave him? Little as he is, you must have been with him, must have seen what happened. You’d never leave him to his own.”

Most boys Dale’s age would fare just fine on their own, but not Dale. He should have been born in the city, where life is easier on a body. His coming into this family was a mistake. Dale’s kind of softness can’t be beaten out of a boy.

I pause then, waiting for an answer. Juna’s black eyes stare up at me. When the silence stretches and she says nothing to fill it, I nod, urging her along. I stroke the back of her hand, lightly, brushing the tiny hairs against the grain. The small lantern, the only one in the room, dims, and the glow shrinks and falls lower on the walls. Overhead, the ceiling is black. I try to smile, always the one to smile.

“I know you’d not leave him,” I say again. “Can’t you tell me what happened?”

Another pause as I wait for Juna to tell the truth.

“You must know something,” I say. “You have to tell. Daddy, he thinks you know. He thinks it for sure, that you know and you’ll not tell because he loved Dale best. He says you’re punishing him. He thinks you’re wicked and that this is proof of it. He says he’s always known it. Tell me it’s not true. Tell me what happened.”

Juna closes her eyes, but opens them again when I grab her by both arms. She has always been leaner and stronger than me. Daddy says a man will be tempted by a beautiful girl and she’ll make him do things he ought not do. A man doesn’t need a beautiful girl; he only wants one. It says something about a man if he walks with a beautiful girl at his side, but a man will eventually get his fill. Eventually, he’ll leave her for a pleasing girl. A man will always come home to a pleasing girl because she doesn’t think so much of herself as a beautiful girl. This is what a man needs. A man needs something soft to bring him joy, something to rest his head against, something to sink his fingers into. I am all of these things. You’re lucky, Daddy will sometimes tell me when the house is dark and quiet and we’re alone, to be one who’s not so tempting. In the end, a man can’t help what he needs.

“You have to know something,” I say, clinging to Juna’s hand. I lift it, press it to my mouth. “Daddy says you’ll not be long for this house if you won’t tell. Surely you seen what became of Dale.”

ABRAHAM PACE GETS word of what’s happened from Abigail Watson, and his heavy boots and the sound of his voice soon fill the house. I still sit with Juna in the small, dark bedroom, waiting for news of Dale. The door opens. Daddy steps into the room. Abraham Pace and John Holleran follow, all of them staring at Juna in her underthings. Abigail stands at Abraham’s side, her small hand clinging to the edge of his jacket. Abraham is always saying he hopes to have children of his own one day, God willing, but if not, he’ll always have his Abigail. I can see straightaway because of the way not one of them will look me in the eye that if there is news, it’s not good.

“I’m hot,” Juna says, staring at the three men and Abigail but speaking to me. “The window. Open the window.”

Abraham starts to step into the room to lift the window’s shutter, but I stop him with a raised hand and by shaking my head. Daddy won’t have it, another man in his daughters’ room. Understanding this, Abraham pulls Abigail’s hand from his jacket and nudges her toward me. She grabs at him again, holding on with both hands this time. She’s frightened that whatever became of Dale will soon become of her. Abraham strokes her head and tells her to get on. She stares at him for a moment and then lets loose and steps up to help me. Using both hands, I lift the wooden shutter, hold it overhead with one straight arm, and with my free hand, I point to the two-by-four we keep for just this purpose. When a nice breeze is blowing or the house needs airing, Juna and I do this together because the shutter, made of solid oak, is too heavy for one of us to manage alone. With Abigail’s help, I jam one end of the board into the sill and let the shutter rest on the other end.

“You men don’t belong here,” I say, placing a hand on Juna’s shoulder.

John Holleran lowers his eyes, pulls the hat from his head, and disappears from the doorway. He’s always one to do what’s right. It’s probably why, despite what Mary Holleran says about our bright, clear future, he’s not so tempting as Ellis Baine.

“I can’t tell you what I don’t know,” Juna says as I press a tin cup filled with milk to her lips.

She needs nourishment most of all. Water, some sugar, meat if only we had any. She’ll come around. She’ll remember, but as she’s done all day, she pushes the milk away. I suggest again that we send for the doctor. She refuses.

“It’s too rich,” she says. “Take it. Save it for Dale.”

I should pour it back in the jug and hope it doesn’t turn before Dale comes home, but I can’t leave Juna, so I send Abigail instead. She looks to Abraham, who nods his head and gives her a wink, and then she takes the cup and leaves the room. When she is gone and the front door has opened and her footsteps have crossed the porch, I reach out to pull the sheet over Juna, but she slaps my hand away.

“You,” Juna says, pushing herself into a seated position and pointing a single finger at Daddy. “You brought this on us.”

Daddy’s head and shoulders jerk as if he’s been slapped.

“It’s your evil thoughts,” she says. “I know. I see how you look at Sarah.”

“Juna,” I say, “stop it. Stop what you’re saying.”

“What with no wife in this house, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Ain’t no curse of mine,” Daddy says.

“Just waiting for her to be woman enough,” Juna says. “It’s evil, and it’s come to this. Your son. You’ve cursed your own son.”

“You hush, Juna,” I say.

John Holleran reappears, and behind him Abigail. John steps into the room and stands alongside Daddy. He’s a head taller than Daddy and thick through the chest, while Daddy’s chest sinks in as if he’s all the time too tired to hold himself up.

“We should be looking for Dale,” John says. He’s talking to the men, but he’s looking at me. He’s wondering if he heard Juna right and if he understands her meaning. “Let’s all leave this to another time.”

Daddy pushes past Abraham Pace. “Don’t suppose you belong in a young lady’s room,” Daddy says.

Abraham dips his head to look down on Daddy. “Soon enough be my wife,” Abraham says.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Abraham squares himself to Daddy. Daddy presses his chest up and out and looks up at Abraham, who is not so much younger than Daddy.

“Ain’t waiting no more,” Abraham says. “Ain’t pretending to wait no more.”

Juna reaches for my hand still resting on her shoulder. She wraps her fingers around it and pulls her knees to her chest. We’re watching Daddy’s face, both of us wondering if he understands what Abraham is saying. Juna squeezes my hand and draws herself in, tries to make herself small. She knows for certain, and so do I. No more pretending. No more pretending because Abraham and Juna have been doing plenty of pretending.

Daddy looks from Abraham to the ground and back again. He’s trying to work things out. They don’t come so easy for Daddy. The thinking takes him some time. It’s probably why his crop is always a little late going in and a little late coming out. It’s why things go too long before getting fixed and then can’t be fixed. Daddy’s boy is gone, his wife is gone for many years now, he can’t grow a decent crop, his house is rotting away beneath his very feet. He’s tired and he finally understands. A person, most any person, would believe Juna is helpless and weak, lying there in that bed, her hair hanging in matted strings, her black eyes sunk in and tired, her skin burned red. Most any person, except Daddy. He knows better.

“Good enough,” Daddy says.

He’s leaving her to Abraham Pace. The push and pull is over. Juna has worn Daddy out. Maybe he’s not afraid anymore, or maybe he’s afraid but figures it can’t get any worse. No matter which, Juna’s days living in this house are over, and soon enough, I’ll be alone.

Abraham waits until Daddy is gone, and once Abigail has slipped back into the room, he closes the door, shutting us all in the room together. It’s as good as saying “I do.” He is telling everyone, not just Daddy. He is telling Juna and me and Abigail too. He and Juna aren’t just passing time anymore. Juna is his now. She can never again tell him no, and he’ll never again beg for a yes. Juna will have to leave Daddy’s house. She is Abraham’s and will be his for the rest of her life. There will be babies. There will be as many babies as Abraham can father, as many as Juna’s body can mother. She will live in a small house with a loosely woven ceiling and floors that are hard and cold. They will eat greens and pone, she and Abraham, and Juna’s clothes will always be worn and faded and they’ll never fit quite right. She will be closed up in that house and turn soft like me, but not a pleasing sort of soft. Her arms will grow thick; her breasts will fill up and sag more with each child; her hips will flare and dimple. I know these things because it’s what would become of me if I were to promise myself to John Holleran.

“What happened to the boy, it ain’t no kind of payment for our sin,” Abraham says. He takes one long step into the room and kneels at Juna’s bedside. He takes one of her hands in his. “Don’t go thinking it is.”

Someone brought bacon, and whoever it was, most likely John Holleran’s mama, is frying it up in the kitchen. The salty, rich smell fills the house like it hasn’t been filled in years. If I could leave the room, dared to leave the room, I’d bake fresh cornbread and pour those bacon drippings in the pan before I put it in the oven. It’s how Mama made it, but folks don’t have the drippings like they once did.

“We have to praise God Juna was spared,” Abraham says. He must be talking to Abigail because he reaches for her. She slides up next to him and rests her head on his shoulder. “Whatever happened to Dale, we have to praise God.”