Liar, Liar

5. A GOOD LIE HAS AN OUTCOME ADVANTAGEOUS TO ALL PARTIES

Like any good military mind, I decided that a direct assault was the wrong move. Too bold; better to start on the periphery and work my way in toward my final objective, gathering intel, studying the secondary targets in order to acquire data about the main objective. So I’d learn all I could about Tina’s BFFs, find a way to make nice with them, crack their inner circle and then, ding ding ding, Tina would notice me and talk to me and, one thing leading to another, before you know it, I’d be her official boyfriend.

Tina’s best friend, Connie Shaw, was also in the student government. Perfect. It was like the planets and the stars were aligning to ensure my success. Everything was falling into place, I thought as I strolled into my first-ever student government meeting and looked for my soon-to-be-girlfriend’s best friend.

Connie is a troll. I’m not being mean; she just is. She’s kind of … husky, I guess you’d call it if you were looking for a nice way to say that she’s got a great future ahead of her as a load-bearing wall. And she’s got a monobrow going too. I never would have noticed if Sarah hadn’t practiced eyebrow waxing on me last summer.

“Won’t hurt a bit, Kev, I’ll pull it off clean and fast,” she said before she ripped off so many layers of my forehead along with my eyebrow hair, you could almost see brain matter. I peed and screamed—a little and not so little, respectively. But now I notice girls’ eyebrows.

Anyway, I walked into the student government meeting just as the president was calling it to order. JonPaul, of all people, was standing at the door, handing out copies of the agenda. I wanted to kick myself for not remembering that he was the other room 81 delegate. I have got to stop tuning him out all the time; apparently, he doesn’t just talk about sports and illnesses. He looked surprised to see me, but we didn’t have time to say anything because everyone was rushing to get seats. I wished he was in on my scheme so we could signal each other surreptitiously and look suspicious and in the know, like a couple of spies being used by the military to collect important data.

Instead, he headed up to sit on the stage with the officers and handed the leftover agendas to the person he sat next to. The lights were bright and it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust, but it was Tina! She was up onstage. All that prettiness and blond hair and soft voice and she’s civic-minded, too. How could I have missed how perfect she was all these years? And what was the fastest way to get her to feel the same about me?

I scanned the rows of chairs and then hurried over to where Connie was sitting.

“Hey, mind if I sit with you? You can kind of show me the ropes and tell me what I missed.”

Connie looked up at me. It was one of those stares girls can do—the kind where nothing is said but a point is being made. I don’t speak wordless glance so I’m not sure what she was saying, but I sensed it wasn’t good for me.

“I’ve never seen you at a student government meeting before,” Connie said. Coldly, I felt.

“It’s the social studies project,” I explained. “I’m all of a sudden interested in the functions of government.”

“Really?” Connie raised her monobrow at me suspiciously.

“Yeah, sure, I love government. In fact”—I frantically tried to recall that morning’s announcements—“I’m worried, uh, concerned, really, one could even say dismayed, about the … referendum … thingie,” I finished, and hoped I’d turn into a socially aware and deeply concerned kind of guy in the next 3.4 nanoseconds.

Connie furrowed her monobrow in shared worry, or concern, or dismay. It was hard to read one eyebrow.

“Yes”—I kept babbling, trying to win her over—“the referendum about the distribution of property tax income and how it’s used to fund public schools and if the idea of a tax hike should be put on the upcoming ballot.”

I had no idea how I remembered that.

Connie thawed a bit. “I’m glad you care about such an important issue. Sit down and I’ll explain what’s going on until you catch up.”

I tapped into my ability to go on mental autopilot. My face looked interested and I made “um-hum” noises at the proper times. All the while, I was watching Tina and getting more annoyed with JonPaul, who whispered to her the entire meeting. I was sure it was just about his body mass index or the tensile strength of his ligaments, but still, he had her ear and he wasn’t using it to talk me up.

The fact that he didn’t even know he should didn’t cross my mind.

By the end of the meeting, Connie had pushed her phone number and email address on me and I think I’d offered to serve on her committee to present ideas to the school board. She was going to argue the … distribution of something, and the something public ballot.

I wondered if she and Katie Knowles were close friends. If they weren’t, they should be, because although I was looking at Connie, I was seeing a Katie clone. I’d have to find a way to tell Katie about Connie’s committee and the presentation and, presto, she’d probably volunteer to help me out with that, too.

Then, when Tina and I were finally dating, I’d make sure Connie and Katie had the chance to hang out together and get to be BFFs. Minds like theirs, working together, could rule the world. And I was finding that they were very handy to have around. Plus, I was already starting to feel a twinge of guilt for the way I was about to take a lot of Tina’s free time away from Connie.

Until then, though, Connie would give me insight into Tina’s likes and dislikes so I could shape myself into perfect boyfriend material. And hanging around with Connie, I’d be hanging around with Tina by extension. And proximity would give me opportunities to catch her attention by being wonderful.

I don’t know how dumb guys get girlfriends, I really don’t. It’s a lot of effort, and it seems to me that without my work ethic, you’d be screwed.