Love Creeps

Fourteen

They watched their empty boat speeding away, wondering if it would keep going, hoping it would not, but it did — there was no reason it wouldn’t. And then they glanced around to see if they could see any rescue boats, but they couldn’t.

“Well, here we are,” Alan said, once they had settled into the water and found comfortable positions amongst each other.

“This was a mistake,” Lynn said, after five minutes. “If we live through this, you really think we’ll appreciate life more?”

“It’s too late to ask that question,” Ray said.

“I think it would be tragic to die in these beautiful, sunny surroundings,” Lynn said. “Death, if you’re going to die, deserves to have a certain amount of drama and importance, but this death would not be dramatic.”

“It was your idea to do it this way,” Roland said. “If we die, it’ll be a beautiful death, and if we live, it’ll be a beautiful life.”

Alan started laughing. Then he realized he was also crying. The others waited, alarmed, to see how it would develop.

“Are you okay?” Ray asked.

“You know what’s ironic?” Alan slapped the water a little.

“What?” Lynn asked.

“We’re all, still, in the same boat.”

Roland sighed, but the others smiled, to be nice, and said, “That’s funny, Alan.”

Lynn added, “The point was not really to be in different boats, but to be … in a better boat. Right?”

Alan calmed down.

In order not to get accidentally separated from each other, they had devised a system. They had brought the belts of their hotel bathrobes, tied end to end, forming a complete circle. They had each worn a regular leather belt and each brought a rock climbing clip, so that they could attach themselves, by the waist, to the circle.

After two hours in the ocean, Lynn, Alan, and Roland realized how nuts they were. They congratulated Ray on his helpful idea. They couldn’t believe they had put their lives at risk, that they were bobbing around like corks, when life was so full of exciting and pleasurable things they could be doing.

After two and a half hours, insults started flying and accusations that Ray was a “fucking cult leader.” He said he accepted their anger and that he had made this sacrifice for them.

At one point, he said, “If we don’t get rescued, it’s a terrible death. But even if that happens, we’ll get the pleasure of knowing how great life could have been. We’ll die with that knowledge, which is a very pleasurable thing in itself. It’s a gift.”

Lynn threw water in his face. Alan kicked him under the water.

After six hours, they panicked when they saw a shark swimming around them. Alan, Lynn, and Roland were flapping their limbs, screaming, and Ray was hysterically trying to quiet them down, warning them that their behavior was the most effective way to get the shark to attack. They froze, which, according to Ray, was not much better in avoiding an attack. He told them they had to move in a calm, confident, healthy way.

“Move in a healthy way? What the hell does that mean?” Alan hissed.

“Now is not the time to analyze,” Roland hissed back. “Just move in a healthy way.”

“Stop bickering,” Ray said. “Bickering will also make the shark want to eat you.”

“Is anyone bleeding?” Roland asked. “Sharks can smell blood from miles away.”

“No, why would anyone be bleeding?” Alan said.

“That thing, there, is a woman,” Roland said, pointing to Lynn. “Those things bleed from time to time. Are you bleeding?”

“I think I am,” said Lynn, who knew she was not. “Why else would the shark have come? Others will probably come, too.”

The shark seemed to go away. It was hard to be sure about things of that sort.

They were thirsty. Alan wanted to drink the seawater. Ray told him not to, that he’d be the first to die if he drank the seawater.

“How can we be in water and not drink it?” Alan asked. “Why didn’t you warn us we’d be faced with that kind of temptation?”

“Don’t do it, Alan. Exercise some willpower,” said Lynn.

Two hours later, as the sun was setting, they saw what they thought was another shark, and Alan immediately resumed moving in a healthy-looking fashion.

“Sharks come out at night even more,” said Ray. “To feed.”

But it was only a dolphin.

Lynn couldn’t believe she was bobbing around in the middle of nowhere. She was a supersuccessful gallery owner. She was mad at herself for having followed Alan into the ocean. A life with so much potential, wasted. Not to mention the huge amounts of time she’d wasted stalking. She thought she deserved to die.

Night came. They were tired, cold, still thirsty, and now weak from hunger.

“I’m cold,” Alan said.

“Yes. Our bodies may be suffering, but our minds have never been healthier,” Ray said, to everyone’s exasperation. “Just think: The more we suffer now, the happier we’ll be later.”

“You’re sick,” Lynn said. “You need to see a therapist.”

Roland took a penny out of his pocket and stared at it in the moonlight. He released it under the water, watching it flip, flip, and fade.

Then he began moving his limbs energetically in the water.

“What are you doing?” Alan asked.

“Trying to warm up.”

“That’s a good idea,” Alan said, and began moving his body and limbs enthusiastically. Lynn and Ray did as well.

“But you have to make sure to move energetically and healthily,” Alan instructed. “That’s important. Lynn, your movements don’t look healthy enough. They look weak and tired. Put more vigor into them, or stop moving.”

“I’m tired,” said Lynn.

“Well, please hide it,” said Alan. “You might attract a shark who’ll then eat any one of us, not just those of us moving unhealthily. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“The problem with moving energetically,” said Ray, “is that it dehydrates you more quickly and burns a lot of calories, and those are not good things for us right now.”

They all stopped moving.

“But I’m cold!” Alan said.

Ray shrugged. “Well, then, decide which discomfort you dislike most. If you hate being thirsty, tired, and hungry, then stop moving. If being cold is even worse for you, then move.”

Lynn and Alan did not move. Roland moved. Ray was doing something in between.

Alan said, “Damn that girl who started the fire in my building, interrupting my suicide attempt. I could be happily dead right now, instead of dying.”

Eventually, in an effort to warm up further, they each took turns being in the middle of their circle, while the other three huddled around him or her.

They slept a little during the night, despite their fear of sharks. When the sun rose, they noticed Lynn had lost her hat. The men thought they ought to be gentlemanly and take turns lending her their hats. Roland and Alan debated which of them should give her extra time with his hat. Alan said he should be allowed to lend her his hat less time because he was bald and because she was his stalker. He said Roland should lend her his hat more of the time, because he was her stalker and should want to please her.

Roland said, “But I have black hair. Black attracts the heat more than a bald white head.”

“But my head will burn,” Alan said. “I’ll get a terrible sunburn as well as a sunstroke. Plus, you’re her stalker. You should lend her your hat! Can’t you do at least that for the person you’re supposedly obsessed with? I mean, what kind of obsession is this, anyway?”

“It’s true,” said Lynn to Roland. “What kind of puny, wimpy, selfish obsession is this, anyway?”

Roland threw his hat in her face.

“Ah, that is so refreshing!” Lynn said. “Does this mean you’ll stop stalking me?” She put the hat on her head.

“I’m getting tempted,” Roland said.

“Bravo!” Alan said. “And what about you, Lynn, are you getting tempted to stop stalking me?”

“Yes, but for other reasons. I just can’t believe I’m here. It’s stalking that brought me here. I don’t want to waste my life anymore.”

“Why are we even speaking as if we assume we’re going to live?”

“We have no choice,” Ray said. “How could we go on otherwise?”

“How could we not?” Roland rested his head against the puffy red life vest and closed his eyes. “It’s not as if we have a swift means of self-deliverance at our disposal.”

The three nuts got pissed off that Ray had not secretly arranged for them to be rescued. It was hard for Ray to convince them that no, he had not. They found it difficult to believe that he would risk giving up his good new life with a home and a revenue-generating occupation. They felt he was much more insane than they were.

During the day they saw two boats, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and both in the far, far distance. They waved both times. Neither boat saw them.

“Max was so smart, the way he killed himself quickly, with cyanide,” Lynn said.

“Now that’s going out in luxury,” Alan agreed. “It’s like taking the Concorde to death. Whereas we’re getting there on the back of a tortoise.”

“Speed can be one of the most luxurious things in the world,” Lynn said.

Roland was not so interested in the topic, since he had murdered Max. “I know what our outcome will be,” he said, to change the subject.

“How would you know?” Alan asked.

“I just know. I will die, and you will all live.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I’m not a good person.”

“So? We know you’re not a good person. You’re a complete jerk. But do you think life is fair?” Alan asked.

“No, but I’m even worse than you think.”

“Oh yeah? How?”

Roland sighed. “I have a huge capacity to hate. And I act on it.”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Alan. “You could be ten times more evil than you are, and that doesn’t mean you’re more likely to die than us, unfortunately. And it also doesn’t mean you’re less likely to have a happy life. That’s how life is. It sucks. This isn’t some Hollywood movie we’re living in. This is life. Which means you’ll probably live long and be happy, will never get punished for your assholiness, will never get what’s coming to you, will not reap what you sow, and we the good people will probably be miserable or die young.”

Lynn and Ray nodded in agreement.

“I appreciate your efforts at comforting me,” Roland said.

“It’s the grim truth,” Alan said.

“Why don’t they make more movies where the bad guys don’t get punished? I mean, it’s so much more realistic,” Lynn said.

“Because it’s depressing,” Ray said.

“That’s true,” Roland said. “Why would people want to see anyone get away with murder?”

“Because it’s real. How’s that?” cried Alan. “Don’t you think people could handle it? Don’t you think it would in fact be beneficial to society to be aware that the world sucks?”

“They do know,” answered Ray. “They just don’t want to be reminded of it in their entertainment. It’s not pleasant.”

“Well, except for the Europeans,” said Roland, treading the ocean with an air of superiority.

“What do you mean?” Ray asked.

“They frequently have two different endings for movies — the ending for the American market, and the ending for the rest of the world. In The Big Blue, the hero at the end drowns in the ocean, but for the American release, they made him swim off into the sunset with a dolphin.”

“I don’t believe you,” Alan said.

“It’s true! You can rent it, if you survive,” said Roland.

Lynn said to Alan, “Don’t you wish you were in a movie — an American one — so you wouldn’t have to die in the ocean, and Roland would get punished for what a jerk he is?”

When Roland woke from his nap, they all began fantasizing about the things they’d do with their lives if they got rescued.

“I want to meet new people, eat succulent foods,” said Lynn. “I want to indulge in all sorts of physical pleasures. Each second of every day is an opportunity to indulge in something incredible.”

“Sounds like you’re definitely over your desire problem,” said Roland.

“Of course. I was over that ages ago.”

“If I live through this, I’m getting more pets,” said Alan.

“Pets? What kinds? More rats?” asked Ray.

“I don’t know. But I wanna lotta pets.”

“But why?”

“For the warmth and the love, I guess.” After a moment, he said, “God, I need my hat back, my head is burning. It’s someone else’s turn.”

Roland was looking away, as if lost in thought, even though he knew it was his turn to give Lynn his hat. When he heard no sound, he glanced at Ray, who was looking at him with an urging expression.

“I have black hair,” said Roland.

Sneering slightly at Roland, Ray gave Lynn his hat.

Sneering slightly at Roland as well, she said, “Thanks, Ray.”

Alan scooped water in his hat and put his hat on his head. “Ahhh,” he said with pleasure, as the water cascaded down his face.

“If I pull through this,” Ray said, “I want to see more movies, make more money, and be dry. Maybe take a vacation in a really, really dry place. Dry and shady. Maybe a desert, under a tent.”

They waited for Roland to volunteer his desires. He didn’t.

“What about you?” Ray asked him. “Is there anything you’re dying to do if you survive this?”

“Interesting word choice,” Roland said.

“Thank you.”

“I’m dying to get a refill,” Roland said.

“A refill?” said Ray. “Of what?”

“Something I used to have.”

“Which was?” Alan asked.

“Oh, something that used to make me feel powerful, unique,” Roland said.

“A drug?” Lynn asked.

“Sort of.”

“Which one?”

“It’s personal,” Roland said.

“What effect did it have?” Lynn asked.

“It could create a state, the prospect of which was pleasant.”

“The prospect of which? But not the actuality?” said Lynn.

“Well, who knows about the actuality,” Roland said.

“What?” said Alan. “Then what are you talking about? I don’t get it.”

Roland shrugged, didn’t answer.

“But you would take it now, if you had it with you?” asked Lynn.

“Maybe,” Roland said. “Or I might wait till things got a little worse.”

“How much worse do things have to get before you’d seek comfort?”

“Having the option to take it would be a huge comfort. But taking it introduces you to a new way of being that you can’t really recover from.”

“It damages you?” asked Lynn.

“I’m not interested in this line of questioning,” Roland said. “All I know is that I was a fool not to get a refill. This whole ridiculous situation would be so much easier to bear if I had the refill with me right now.”

“Thank God at least we have each other,” said Alan. “Can you imagine how much worse things would be if we were each alone in this ocean? I mean, on top of not having the refill? We wouldn’t have these amazing conversations to pass the time.”

“Is that supposed to be a sarcastic, yet deep, thought, Alan?” asked Roland.

“Maybe.”

To everyone’s surprise, Roland took out of his shorts pocket a pack of tuna fish. As soon as they understood that he had no intention of sharing, they said his tuna would attract sharks, and they quickly unclipped themselves from the circle of terry-cloth belts and swam away from him in a healthy fashion. Roland gobbled down his tuna, and rejoined them, holding the limp circle out to them, urging them to clip themselves back to it. He preferred enduring their insults to being alone in the ocean.

Lynn lost consciousness first, or fell asleep, after they had been in the ocean a day and five hours. Roland suggested spitting in her mouth, to hydrate her. But they ended up not doing it, because they had never heard of such a thing.

She regained consciousness forty-five minutes later, just in time to hear Ray rant and rave about the stupidity of having jumped in the ocean. He was cursing himself for having thought of the idea and cursing them for having been persuaded.

“You guys are so malleable, I swear!” he said. “How could you have followed the advice of a homeless person? You guys are insane! Now we’re all going to die because of it.”

Lynn lost consciousness again two hours later. And when she regained it, she was the first to notice a boat the others hadn’t yet seen.

They began waving wildly, but the boat had already spotted them and was coming for them. It stopped a short distance away. The motor was switched off. Six people were standing at the railing, staring down at them. They looked welcoming.

“Do you need help?” a distinguished-looking older man shouted at them.

“Yes, very much so,” Ray shouted back hoarsely.

“Well, come on board,” the man said, waving them to the back of the boat.

With eager exhaustion, the four survivors swam the length of the one-hundred-foot yacht, toward the back, where the distinguished man was lowering a ladder.

As they climbed, the name of the boat, written in giant letters, loomed before them: Eyeball.

The moment Ray’s toe exited the water, his mood changed, his spirits soared. He and his nuts had done it! The experience had been invaluable! They would now reap the benefits.

“Sit back and enjoy,” he told Lynn, Alan, and Roland as they climbed out after him. “Relish the magic. Few moments in your life will ever be as wonderful as this. Try to imprint it on your memory. Notice the ecstasy you’re experiencing right now. Savor every nuance of it.”

“You’re not acting very dehydrated,” remarked Lynn, who was barely able to stand.

They were given water and dropped off in Nassau. A cab took them over the bridge to their hotel on Paradise Island. They showered and put on dry clothes.

They each, in his or her own room, ordered room service. Lynn remembered a picture book, from her childhood, that said you weren’t supposed to gorge yourself when you hadn’t eaten in two days or you could get sick. Lynn ordered pasta and a shrimp-stuffed avocado. Alan ordered two cheeseburgers; Roland a steak, wine, cheese, and a chocolate mousse; and Ray ordered conch chowder, pasta, and a disgusting pineapple soufflé.

Lynn would have preferred not to be alone at that moment, but being alone was better than being with them. She’d have been happy with a good friend near her, like Patricia.

Alan was thinking about little other than his bodily needs. He wanted to eat and sleep as soon as possible.

Roland felt disgusted with himself for having gone along with these freaks. He felt embarrassed.

Lynn, Alan, and Roland all felt the same way about one thing. They were thinking, Never toy with life. Never take life for granted and squander it. As they heard the things they were telling themselves, they realized that it had worked. This new attitude was exactly the one they had been hoping to acquire.

After eating, they each put the DO NOT DISTURB sign on their doors and slept.