Mademoiselle de Maupin

XIV

I WAS at my window engaged in looking at the stars which were blooming joyously in the gardens of the sky, and inhaling the perfume of the Marvel of Peru wafted to me by an expiring breeze. The wind from the open casement had extinguished my lamp, the last remaining light in the mansion. My thoughts were degenerating into vague dreaming, and a sort of somnolence was beginning to overtake me; nevertheless, whether owing to fascination by the charm of the night, or to carelessness and forgetfulness, I still remained leaning with my elbow on the stone balustrade. Rosette, no longer seeing the light of my lamp and being unable to distinguish me owing to a great corner of shadow which fell just across the window, had no doubt concluded that I was in bed, and it was for this that she was waiting in order to risk a last desperate attempt. She pushed open the door so softly that I did not hear her enter, and was within two steps of me before I had perceived her. She was very much astonished to see me still up; but, soon recovering from her surprise, she came up to me and took hold of my arm calling me twice by my name:-'Theodore, Theodore!'

“'What! you, Rosette, here, at this hour, quite alone, without a light and so completely undressed!”

“I must tell you that the fair one had nothing on her but a night-mantle of excessively fine cambric, and the triumphant lace-trimmed chemise which I was not willing to see on the day of the famous scene in the little kiosk in the park. Her arms, smooth and cold as marble, were entirely bare, and the linen covering her body was so supple and diaphanous that it allowed the nipples of her breasts to be seen, as in the statues of bathers covered with wet drapery.

“Is that a reproach, Theodore, that you are making against me, or is it only a simple, purely exclamatory phrase? Yes, I, Rosette, the fine lady here, in your very room and not in my own where I ought to be, at eleven or perhaps twelve o'clock at night, with neither duenna, chaperon, nor maid, scantily clad, in a mere night-wrapper; — that is very astonishing, is it not? I am as surprised at it as you are, and scarcely know what explanation to give you.'

“As she said this she passed one of her arms around my body, and let herself fall on the foot of my bed in such a way as to draw me along with her.

“'Rosette,' I said, endeavoring to disengage myself, 'I am going to try to light the lamp again; there is nothing more melancholy than darkness in a room; and then, when you are here, it is really a sin not to see clearly and so lose the sight of your charms. Allow me by a piece of tinder and a match to make myself a little portable sun to throw into relief all that the jealous night is effacing beneath its shades.'

“'It's not worth while; I would as soon you did not see my blushes; I can feel my cheeks burning all over, for it is enough to make me die of shame.' She hid her face upon my breast, and for some minutes remained thus as if suffocated by her emotion.

“As for myself, during this interval, I passed my fingers mechanically through the long ringlets of her disordered hair, and searched my brain for some honorable evasion to relieve me of my embarrassment. I could find none, however, for I had been driven into my last entrenchment, and Rosette appeared perfectly determined not to leave the room as she had entered it. Her attire was of a formidably easy nature, which did not promise well. I myself was wearing only an open dressing-gown which would have been a poor protection for my incognito, so that I was extremely anxious about the result of the battle.

“'Theodore, listen to me,' said Rosette, rising and throwing back her hair from both sides of her face, as far as I could see by the feeble light which the stars and a very slender crescent of the rising moon shed into the room through the still open window;-'the step which I am taking is a strange one;- everyone would blame me for having taken it. But you are leaving soon, and I love you! I cannot let you go in this way without coining to an explanation with you. Perhaps you will never return; perhaps it is the first and the last time that I am to see you. Who knows where you will go? But where-ever you go you will carry away my soul and my life with you. If you had remained I should not have been reduced to this extremity. The happiness of looking at you, of listening to you, of living by your side would have been sufficient for me; I would not have asked for anything more. I would have shut up my love within my heart; you would have thought that you had in me only a good and sincere friend;-but that cannot be. You say that it is absolutely necessary that you should leave.

“'It annoys you, Theodore, to see me clinging thus to your footsteps like a loving shadow which cannot but follow you and would fain blend itself with your body; it must displease you always to find behind you beseeching eyes and hands stretched forth to seize the edge of your cloak. I know it, but I cannot prevent myself from acting thus. Besides, you cannot complain; it is your own fault. I was calm, tranquil, almost happy before knowing you. You arrived handsome, young, smiling, like Phoebus the charming god. You paid me the most assiduous and delicate attentions; never was cavalier more sprightly and gallant. Your lips every moment let fall roses and rubies;-everything served you as an opportunity for a madrigal, and you know how to turn the most insignificant phrases so as to convert them into adorable compliments.

“'A woman who had hated you mortally at first would have ended by loving you, and I, I loved you from the very moment when first I saw you. Why do you appear so surprised, then, after being so lovable and so well loved? Is it not quite a natural consequence? I am neither mad, nor thoughtless, nor yet a romantic little girl who becomes enamored of the first sword that she sees. I am well-bred, and I know what life is. What I am doing, every woman, even the most virtuous or most prudish, would equally have done. What was your ideal and your intention? to please me, I imagine, for I can suppose no other. How is it, then, that you look sorry, in a measure, for having succeeded so well? Have I, without knowing it, done anything to displease you? I ask your pardon for it. Have you ceased to think me beautiful, or have you discovered some defect in me which repels you?

“'You have the right of being hard to please in beauty, but either you have strangely lied to me, or else I too am beautiful! I am as young as you, and I love you; why do you now disdain me? You used to be so eager about me, you supported my arm with such constant solicitude, you pressed the hand I surrendered to you so tenderly, you raise such languorous eyes towards me: if you did not love me, what was the use of all this intrigue? Could you perchance have had the cruelty to kindle love in a heart in order to have afterwards a subject for mirth? Ah! that would be horrible mockery, impiety, sacrilege! such could be the amusement only of a frightful soul, and I cannot believe it of you, quite inexplicable as is your behavior towards me.

“What, then, is the cause of this sudden change? For my part, I can see none. What mystery is concealed behind such coldness? I cannot believe that you have a repugnance to me; your conduct proves the contrary, for no one woos a woman he dislikes with such eagerness, were he the greatest impostor on earth. O Theodore, what have you against me? who has changed you thus? what have I done to you? If the love which you appeared to have for me has taken its flight, mine, alas! has remained, and I cannot uproot it from my heart. Have pity on me, Theodore, for I am very unhappy. At least pretend to love me a little, and say some gentle words to me; it will not cost you much, unless you have an insurmountable horror of me.'

“At this pathetic portion of her discourse, her sobs completely stifled her voice; she crossed both her hands upon my shoulder and laid her forehead upon them in quite a broken-hearted attitude. All that she said was perfectly correct, and I had no good reply to make. I could not assume a bantering tone. It would not have been suitable. Rosette was not one of those creatures who could be treated so lightly:-I was, moreover, too much affected to be able to do it. I felt myself guilty for having trifled in such a manner with the heart of a charming woman, and I experienced the keenest and sincerest remorse in the world.

“Seeing that I made no reply, the dear child heaved a long sigh and made a movement as though to rise, but she fell back again, weighed down by her emotion; then she encircled me in her arms, the freshness of which penetrated my doublet, laid her face upon mine, and began to weep silently.

“It had a singular effect upon me to feel this exhaust-less flow of tears, which did not come from my own eyes, streaming in this way down my cheek. It was not long before they were mingled with mine, and there was a veritable bitter rain sufficient to cause a new deluge had it only lasted forty days.

“At that moment the moon happened to shine straight upon the window; a pale ray dipped into the room and illuminated our taciturn group with a bluish light.

“With her white wrapper, her bare arms, her uncovered breast and throat, of nearly the same color as her linen, her dishevelled hair and her mournful look, Rosette had the appearance of an alabaster figure of Melancholy seated on a tomb. As to myself I scarcely know what appearance I had since I could not see myself, and there was no glass to reflect my image, but I think that I might very well have posed for a statue of Uncertainty personified.

“I was moved, and bestowed a few more tender caresses than usual upon Rosette; from her hair my hand had descended to her velvety neck, and thence to her smooth round shoulder, which I gently stroked, following its quivering line. The child vibrated beneath my touch like. a keyboard beneath a musician's fingers; her flesh started and leaped abruptly, and amorous thrillings ran through her body.

“I myself felt a vague and confused species of desire, whose aim I could not discern, and I felt great voluptuousness in going over these pure delicate contours. I left her shoulder, and, profiting by the hiatus of a fold, suddenly closed my hand upon her little frightened breast, which palpitated distractedly like a turtle-dove surprised in its nest;-from the extreme outline of her cheek which I touched with an almost insensible kiss, I reached her half-parted lips, and we remained like this for some time. I do not know, though, whether it was two minutes, or a quarter of an hour, or an hour; for I had totally lost the notion of time, and I did not know whether I was in heaven or on earth, here or elsewhere, living or dead. The heavy wine of voluptuousness had so intoxicated me at the first mouthful that I had drunk, that any reason I possessed had left me.

“Rosette clasped me more and more tightly in her arms and covered me with her body;-she leaned convulsively upon me and pressed me to her naked panting breast; at every kiss her life seemed to rash wholly to the spot that was touched, and desert the rest of her person. Strange ideas passed through my head; had I not dreaded the betrayal of my incognito, I should have given play to Rosette's impassioned bursts, and should, perhaps, have made some vain and mad attempt to impart a semblance of reality to the shadow of pleasure so ardently embraced by my fair mistress; I had not yet had a lover; and these keen attacks, these reiterated caresses, the contact with this beautiful body, and these sweet names lost in kisses, agitated me to the highest degree, although they were those of a woman; — and then the nocturnal visit, the romantic passion, the moonlight, all had a freshness and novel charm for me which made me forget that after all I was not a man.

“Nevertheless, making a great effort over myself, I told Rosette that she was compromising herself horribly by coming into my room at such an hour and remaining in it so long, and that her women might notice her absence and see that she had not passed the night in her own apartment.

“I said this so gently that Rosette only replied by dropping her cambric mantle and her slippers, and by gliding into my bed like a snake into a bowl of milk; for she imagined that this proceeding on her part might lead to more precise demonstrations upon mine.

“She believed, poor child, that the happy hour which had been so laboriously contrived, was at last about to strike for her; but it only struck two in the morning. My situation was as critical as it well could be, when the door turned on its hinges and gave passage to the very Chevalier Alcibiades in person; he held a candlestick in one hand and his sword in the other.

“He went straight to the bed, threw back the curtains, and, in holding the light to the face of the confused Rosette, said to her in a jeering tone-'Good-morning, sister,' Little Rosette was unable to find a word in reply.

“'So it appears, my dearest and most virtuous sister, that having in your wisdom judged that the Seigneur Theodore's bed was softer than your own, you have come to share it? or perhaps it is on account of the ghosts in your room, and you thought that you would be in greater safety in this one under the protection of the said seigneur? 'Tis very well advised. Ah! Chevalier de Serannes, so you have cast your amorous glance upon my sister, and you think that it will end there. I fancy that it would not be unwholesome to have a little cutting of each other's throats, and if you will be so kind I shall be' infinitely obliged to you. Theodore, you have abused the friendship that I had for you, and you make me repent of the good opinion which at the very first I had formed of the integrity of your character: it is bad, very bad.'

“I could not offer any valid defence: appearances were against me. Who would have believed me if I had said, as was indeed the case, that Rosette had come into my room in spite of me, and that, far from seeking to please her, I was doing everything in my power to estrange her from me? I had only one thing to say, and I said it-'Seigneur Alcibiades, there shall be as much throat-cutting as you like.

“During this colloquy, Rosette had not failed to faint according to the soundest rules of the pathetic;-I went to a crystal cup full of water in which the stem of a large white, half leafless rose was immersed, and threw a few drops over her face, which promptly brought her round again.

“Scarcely knowing what face to put on the matter, she crouched down at the bedside and buried her pretty head beneath the clothes, like a bird settling itself to sleep. She had so gathered the sheets and pillows about her that it would have been very difficult to make out what there was beneath the heap;-only by a few soft sighs issuing from time to time could it have been guessed that it was a young repentant sinner, or at least one extremely sorry at being a sinner in intention only and not in deed, — which was the case with the unfortunate Rosette.

“The brother, having no further anxiety about his sister, resumed the dialogue, and said in a somewhat gentler tone: 'It is not absolutely indispensable to cut each other's throats at once, that is an extreme measure which may be resorted to at any time. Listen:-we are not equally. matched. You are in early youth and much less vigorous than I, if we were to fight I should certainly kill you or maim you-and I should not like either to kill or disfigure you-which would be a pity; Rosette, who is over there under the bed-clothes and does not utter a word, would bear me ill-will for it all her life; for she is as spiteful and wicked as a tigress when she sets about it, the dear little dove. You don't know this, you who are her Prince Galaor, and who receive only charming kindnesses from her; but it is no slight matter. Rosette is free and so are you; it appears that you are not irreconcilable enemies; her widowhood is about to end, and things could not be better. Marry her; she will have no need to return to her own couch, while I shall in this way be freed from the necessity of taking you as a sheath for my sword, which would not be agreeable either for you or for me;-what do you think?

“I had every reason for making a horrible grimace, for his proposal was of all things in the world the most impracticable for me: I could sooner have walked on all fours on the ceiling, like the flies, or taken down the sun without having a stool to stand on, than do what he asked of me, and yet the last proposition was unquestionably more agreeable than the first

“He appeared surprised that I did not accept with ecstasy, and he repeated what he had said as if to give me time to reply.

“'An alliance with you would be a most honorable one for me, and I should never have dared to pretend to it: I know that it would be an unprecedented piece of good fortune for a youth, who, as yet, has neither rank nor standing in the world, and one that the most illustrious would esteem themselves fortunate to obtain;-but yet I can only persist in my refusal, and, since I am free to choose between a duel and marriage, I prefer the duel. 'Tis a singular taste-and few people would have it-but it is mine.

“Here Rosette gave the most mournful sob in the world, put forth her head from beneath the pillow, and seeing my impassible and determined countenance put it in again like a snail whose horns have been struck.

“'It is not that I have no love for Madame Rosette, I love her infinitely; but I have reasons for not marrying which you would yourself consider excellent if it were possible for me to tell them to you. Moreover things have not gone so far as appearances might lead one to believe; except a few kisses which a lively friendship is sufficient to explain and to justify, nothing has passed between us that may not be acknowledged, and your sister's virtue is assuredly the most intact and blameless in the world. I owed her this testimony. Now, Seigneur Alcibiades, at what time do we fight, and where?'

“'Here, at once!' cried Alcibiades, intoxicated with rage.

“'Can you think of it? Before Rosette!'

“'Draw, villain, or I shall assassinate you,' he continued, brandishing his sword and whirling it around his head.

“'Let us at least leave the room.'

“'If you do not put yourself on guard I will pin you to the wall like a bat, my fine Celadon, and though you may flap your wings to eternity, you will not get free, I give you warning!' And he rushed upon me with his weapon raised.

“I drew my rapier, — for he would have done as he had said, — and at first contented myself with parrying his thrusts.

“Rosette made a superhuman effort to come and throw herself between our swords, for both combatants were equally dear to her; but her strength deserted her, and she rolled senseless on to the foot of the bed.

“Our blades gleamed and made a noise like that of an anvil, for want of space obliged us to engage our swords very closely.

“Two or three times Alcibiades nearly reached me, and had I not been an excellent master of fence my life would have been in the greatest danger; for his skill was astonishing and his strength prodigious. He exhausted all the tricks and feints in fencing to touch me. Enraged at his want of success, he exposed himself twice or thrice; I would not take advantage of it; but he returned to the attack with such desperate and savage fury, that I was forced to seize upon the opening that he gave me; moreover, the noise and whirling flashes of the steel intoxicated and dazzled me. I did not think of death and had not the least fear; the keen and mortal point which came before my eyes every second had no more effect upon me than if I were fighting with buttoned foils; only I was indignant at Alcibiades's brutality, and my indignation was still further heightened by the consciousness of my perfect innocence. I wished merely to prick him in the arm or shoulder and so make him drop his sword, for I had vainly tried to disarm him. He had a wrist of iron, and the devil could not have made him move it.

“At last he made a thrust so quick and so long that I could only partially parry it; my sleeve was pierced and I felt the chill of the iron on my arm; but I was not wounded. At sight of this I became angry, and instead of defending myself attacked in turn;-I forgot that he was Rosette's brother and I fell upon him as though he had been my mortal enemy. Taking advantage of a mistake in the position of his sword I made so close a flanconnade that I reached his side, and with an 'Oh!' he fell backwards.

“I thought that he was dead but he was really only wounded, and his fall was occasioned by a false step that he had made while trying to defend himself. I cannot express, Graciosa, the sensation that I experienced; certainly, it is not difficult to make the reflection that if you strike flesh with a fine, sharp point, a hole will be pierced and blood will gush out. Nevertheless I was profoundly stupefied on perceiving red streams trickling over Alcibiades's doublet. I of course had not thought sawdust would come out as from a burst doll; but I know that never in my life did I experience such great surprise, and it seemed to me that some unheard-of thing had just happened to me.

“The unheard-of thing was not, as it appeared to me, that blood should flow from a wound, but that the wound should have been given by me, and that a young girl of my age (I was going to write 'a young man' so well have I entered into the spirit of my part) should have laid low a vigorous captain so well trained in the art of fence as Alcibiades:-and all this, what is more, for the crime of seducing and refusing to marry a very rich and charming woman!

“I was truly in a cruel embarrassment, with the sister in a swoon, the brother, as I believed, dead, and myself nearly swooning or dead like one or other of them. I hung to the bell-rope, chimed loud enough to wake the dead, and, leaving the task of explaining matters to the servants and the old aunt to be performed by the fainting Rosette and the embowelled Alcibiades, went straight to the stable. The air restored me at once; I took out my horse, and saddled and bridled him myself; I ascertained that the crupper was properly fastened and the curb in a right condition; I made the stirrups of equal length, drew the girth a notch tighter:-in a word, I harnessed him with an attention that was at least singular at such a moment, and with a calmness quite inconceivable after a combat terminated in such a way.

“I mounted my beast and crossed the park by a path that I knew. The branches of the trees all laden with dew, lashed my face and wetted it: you would have thought that the old trees were stretching out their arms to stop me and keep me for the love of their mistress. Had I been in a different mood, or at all superstitious, I might have believed that they were so many phantoms who wished to seize me and were showing me their fists.

“But in reality I had not a single idea either of that kind or of any other; a leaden stupor, so great that I was scarcely conscious of it, weighed upon my brain like too tight a hemlet; only it did seem to me that I had killed some one yonder and that it was for this that I was going away. I was, moreover, horribly inclined to sleep, whether owing to the lateness of the hour or to the fact that the emotions of the evening had had a physical reaction and had corporally fatigued me.

“I reached a little postern which opened upon the fields in a secret way which Rosette. had shown me in our walks. I dismounted, touched the knob and pushed open the door: I regained my saddle after leading my horse through, and put him to the gallop until I reached the highroad to C-, at which place I arrived at early dawn.

“Such is the very faithful and circumstantial history of my first intrigue and my first dud.”