Making History

MAKING TROUBLE

Diabolo

‘But I am a German!’

‘No, you are nothing. These papers tell me you are nothing. Nothing at all. You do not exist.’

‘One day! They are out of date by one day, that is all.’

‘Sir, this gentleman comes through all the time,’ Klingermann gave Alois an uncomfortable look. ‘He is…he is well known to me. I can. vouch for him.’

‘Oh, you can vouch for him, can you Klingermann? And why do you think the Imperial Government in Vienna spends a fortune every month on papers, stamps, passports and vouchers, then? For fun? What do you think a voucher is? It is a stamped piece of paper to be carried around at all times, legitimising the bearer. Or does this non-existent citizen of nowhere imagine that he will carry you around as his voucher?’

‘But as a German, I am allowed free passage into Austria!’

‘But you are not a German. You may have been, from these papers, a German yesterday. But today, today you are no one and nothing.’

‘I have a living to make, a family to support!’

‘I have a living to make, a family to support…?’

‘I have a living to make, a family to support, sir.’

‘So have Austrian carpenters a living to make and families to support, sir! For every one of these tawdry pieces of German crap that is bought here, bread is taken from the mouth of an Austrian carpenter.’

‘Sir, with respect, they are not pieces of crap, they are toys, handmade with love and with care and, so far as I am aware, no one in Austria makes them at all, so I can hardly be said to be taking bread from the mouths of anybody.’

‘But the money that is spent by poor, respectable Austrian parents on these corrupting German trinkets would otherwise be spent on healthy food grown by Austrian farmers. I see no reason why I, as the Emperor’s accredited agent, should allow such a state of affairs. Do you?’

‘Corrupting? Sir, they are the most innocent…’

‘What are they called? Hm? Tell me that. What are they called?’

‘Sir?’

‘What is their name?

‘Diabolos, Sir. You must have seen them before…”

‘Diabolos, precisely. Diabolo is the Italian for devil. Satan. The Corrupter. And you call them innocent.’

‘But, Herr Zollbeamter, they are only called diabolo because they are…they are fiendishly difficult. To master. A challenge, a test of co-ordination and balance. Fun!’

‘Fun, Herr Tischlermeister. You think it Jun that the youth of Austria should waste time that would otherwise be profitably spent in study or manly exercise on some satanic German toy?’

‘Sir, perhaps…perhaps you would like to try one yourself? Here…a gift. I think you will find them harmless and amusing.’

‘Oh dear,’ Alois licked his lips. ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. A bribe. How unfortunate. A bribe. Dear me. Klingermann! Form ki 171, plenty of sealing wax and an Imperial Stamp!’