Merciless

12

Dawson and Lex weren’t home, which was probably a good thing. Sadness had lodged itself deep in my gut at what I’d witnessed today. Violent death. Grief. Hatred. Suspicion. Family rivalries. Add in my questions about Rollie’s guilt… and my brain was fried.

A five-mile run followed by a full hour of yoga would be the healthiest way to push my body into the same exhausted state as my brain.

So why had I headed straight for the liquor cabinet?

I knocked back two generous slugs of Wild Turkey before I put away my gun, or even took off my coat. I carried the third glass with me into the bedroom. Once I’d stripped to nothing, I took it into the bathroom, draining the whiskey before I climbed in the shower.

Steam, water, heat, and a slight buzz took some of the edge off. But didn’t stop the images from flashing in my mind. Verline’s body. Rollie’s tender farewell kiss. The Dupris family’s angry accusations. Junior’s tears. Junior’s accusations. Junior’s stubbornness.

Wet hair braided, lotion applied, I left the bathroom stark naked and heard the kitchen door open. I ducked inside my bedroom. I needed to get into the habit of wearing a robe so Lex wasn’t traumatized by my naked body. I pressed my back into the bedroom door. Had it been only this morning Lex had walked in on us? Seemed like that’d happened a week ago.

As much as I fantasized about crawling into bed with a bottle, I dressed and joined father and son in the kitchen.

Two pizza boxes sat on the table. “I thought we were having antelope?”

“We were starved, and it’d be at least another hour to cook the steaks after we got home, so we’ll save those for another night when we’re not so rushed.”

Mason walked to me and curled his hand around my face, locking his gaze to mine. “So it’s Wild Turkey therapy, not yoga, for your rough day?”

I nodded, appreciating he didn’t pass judgment.

He pressed his mouth to mine, giving me a sweet kiss as his thumb gently stroked my cheekbone. He pulled back and murmured, “I believe I’ll join you in that drink.”

I noticed Dawson had bought spinach salad as a side dish. The man had healthy eating habits, much to Lex’s dismay. I wondered if the kid had ever tasted a fresh vegetable before coming to live with us.

After we dished up, I asked, “So the school project supplies are purchased?”

“Yep, Lex can start on it tomorrow after school.”

“What’s the subject?” I asked Lex.

He gave me a look like he couldn’t believe I cared, but I needed something to take my mind off murder and lies.

Lex launched into an explanation. It was encouraging that he was taking an interest in his classes, given he’d been pulling straight Ds at his previous school. His cell phone vibrated on the table. He ignored it.

Mason picked it up and slid it next to the pizza boxes. “It’s your mother.”

Lex scowled. “I don’t wanna talk to her.”

“We’ve had this discussion, Lex. You can’t just blow her off. She cares about what’s going on with you.”

“Only so she can use it against me. And use it against you.”

“I don’t follow.”

“If she finds out I like living here, she’ll make me go back to Colorado. I just know it.”

“Son, that won’t happen.”

“You don’t know her like I do, Dad. She’s already mad I’m using your last name. She’s said when I go see her for Christmas that maybe she won’t let me come back here. I don’t understand why I have to spend Christmas with her. I’ve never gotten to spend Christmas with you. She doesn’t care about me. She just doesn’t want me to like you better than her.”

Dawson was agitated; Lex was miserable. And the phone kept ringing. I picked it up. “Hello?”

“Who’s this?” Mona demanded. “Why are you answering my son’s phone?”

“Hey, Mona, it’s Mercy. I see Lex left his phone on the counter again.”

“Where is he?”

I looked at Lex. “He and his father went to town for supplies for a school project. They should be back in a couple hours. Would you like me to give Mason a message?”

“No, but tell that kid to call me tomorrow since I’m on my way to work.” She hung up.

“Crisis averted.” I slid the phone to Lex. “You’re supposed to call her after school tomorrow. Let’s hope she’s in a better mood. Now finish your spinach so your dad will let us have cookies.”

Dawson had Lex clean up the kitchen. I’d just poured myself another drink when the house phone rang. “Gunderson.”

“Mercy? Is it true? About Verline?”

“Hope, hang on a second.” I took the cordless phone into the office away from Lex’s curious ears. “I’m sorry to say it is true.”

“That’s so horrible. Who’s taking care of those poor babies? Rollie?”

“No. Verline’s mother.”

“Oh.” I heard her juggle the receiver. “Joy is just Little Miss Grabby Hands. Jake, take her for a sec.” More phone-clunking noises, then a sigh. “Now we can talk.”

“About what?”

“Sophie.”

I was not in the frame of mind to hear Hope complain or whine. “What about her?”

“She… wants to quit.”

Okay, not what I expected. Good thing I was sitting down. “Really? Why?”

“Penny is being difficult, I guess.”

“So Penny’s gotten worse?”

“No, that’s the thing. Penny is actually improving. I mean, not like she’s in remission, but some of the natural herbs and stuff have helped her. She’s back to walking every morning. She’s eating. Her spirits are better.”

I took a long sip of my drink. “That sounds like good news. Not like Penny is being difficult.”

Hope sighed. “That’s what Jake and I think, too. But you know how stubborn Sophie is. She has it in her head to spend every waking moment with Penny while she can.”

“I take it Penny doesn’t want that?”

“No. She told Sophie to worry about doing her job.”

“Which caused Sophie to quit that job.” I swirled the amber liquid in my glass. “How do you feel about her quitting?”

“Jake is worried she won’t be able to live on just her Social Security checks.”

My little sister wasn’t very good at evasion. “That’s how Jake feels. How do you feel?”

When Hope hesitated, I braced myself, anticipating she’d break down. Her curt response shocked me. “Look, I love Sophie. But after Levi… and during my pregnancy, she smothered me. I thought that after Jake and I moved into our own place, she’d keep working at the ranch like she always has and give us a chance to be a family. But she comes over here every day. Tells me how to do things. She basically tries to run my house. I can’t even watch the TV shows I want. And I can’t really talk to Jake about this stuff because she is his grandmother. So to be honest, I’m glad she’s quitting.” Another pause, and I could almost see Hope biting her lip. “Sounds horrible, doesn’t it?”

I tried to wrap my head around this side of my sister. Hope had never wanted to do things for herself.

Or maybe she had. But our dad and Sophie wouldn’t let her. They made her think she was incapable.

“Do you think I’m an awful person?” she whispered.

“No, sis, not at all. I’m just surprised. Sophie got pissy with me when I asked if she’d considered retiring.”

“That’s because it wasn’t her idea,” Hope retorted.

“When did she talk to you about this?”

“Today. And before you get all up in my face that she didn’t talk to you, she told me you’re under a lot of stress with Lex living with you.”

“Lex is one of the least stressful aspects of my life.”

“I’m happy to hear that. He’s a sweet boy. I like him. I liked Levi a lot at that age, too.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, a couple afternoons when I’ve been over there doing books, he’s kept Joy entertained.”

Had I been so wrapped up in my day and making sure Mason’s needs were being met that I’d forgotten Lex was part of my life, too? Probably permanently. I needed to stop treating him like a guest and start thinking of him as part of my family. “Thanks. Sometimes I get the feeling he’s disappointed Mason and I won’t have other kids.”

She laughed. “That’s not true, trust me. He likes being the sole focus of his father’s attention. Anyway, I hear Little Miss screaming, but I wanted to run one last thing past you.”

“Shoot.”

“Sophie has asked for the rest of her yearly salary and her year-end bonus. Is it okay to cut her a check for fifteen grand?”

I whistled. “We can afford that?”

“Yeah. But…”

“Spit it out, Hope.”

“I think Devlin may be pushing Sophie to get the money. I overheard him in the background coaching her. She’ll probably give it all to him. And he’ll blow it all at the casino.”

Dammit. I’d gotten so busy I hadn’t dug into Devlin’s gambling issues. “Does Jake have any idea who Devlin owes money to?”

“No. He don’t wanna know. I don’t, either. And you should stay out of it, too.”

I’d heard Rollie mention Saro, but I wouldn’t get within a mile of that psychotic motherfucker if I could help it. Asking John-John wasn’t an option. The tribal cops probably knew who on the rez was in the business of loans. Maybe I could discreetly get the information.

“Mercy? You still there?”

“Sorry. Been a rough day. Nothing you can do but write the check. What Sophie does with it after that… out of our hands.”

“I hate that.”

“Me, too. Thanks for the heads-up. Give Poopy a kiss for me.”

“Stop calling her that,” Hope huffed, and hung up.

I returned to the kitchen and topped off my drink.

Everything in this kitchen had Sophie’s touch. The arrangement of the dishes in the cupboard. Where the utensils were placed in the drawers. Where the kitschy objects hung on the walls. The positioning of refrigerator magnets. The style of the tablecloths and the place mats. I didn’t remember much from when this space had been my mother’s domain.

I’d changed only one thing in this room in all the years I’d lived in this house-I hated the frilly, moth-eaten curtains that blocked the great view of the ranch, so last month I’d yanked them down.

Sophie had thrown a hissy fit, claiming she felt naked without the coverage the curtains provided. But I’d held my ground. And she’d backed off.

Even though she hadn’t been here every morning recently, she was around often enough. I couldn’t imagine Sophie not being here at all. Would I ever see her? Would she stop by to chat? Would she call me? Would she welcome me into her home? Or would the relationship end like every other working relationship I’d had? Where she’d become part of my past? Where she’d be gone like she’d never been there at all?

That thought sucked the air from my lungs. I’d already dealt with so much loss in my life. I couldn’t stand losing Sophie, too. But I couldn’t push her to stay. That would be awfully damn selfish.

“Mercy?” Mason yelled from the living room.

“Yeah. Coming.”

Apparently, this was our family bonding time: watching the boob tube together. I sat on the couch next to Mason, and we chuckled through an episode of The Simpsons. Then the Xbox came out, and father and son became embroiled in World of Warcraft.

Belly full, warmed by the booze, I allowed my eyes to drift shut. The sounds of Mason and Lex talking smack while doing battle faded into the background.

I stood on a hillside in the last dark moments of night before dawn teased the horizon. I wore combat fatigues. An M60 strapped over my shoulder. On patrol, on the prowl, but where was my partner? We weren’t allowed to go over the fence alone.

My feet wanted to pace, but I remained still. Watchful. I inhaled and got a nose full of the putrid, raw-sewage stench of Iraq. I glanced down to see sand blowing across my boots. The wind whipping against me didn’t cool my body. How could it be so hot at night?

A hum of approaching vehicles reverberated in the distance, and I automatically lifted the rifle toward the sound.

There, at the top of the hill. Three Humvees. They clicked their headlights on, blinding me. I squinted, my eyes watering at the searing light. I held my hand up and noticed what those lights illuminated.

Bodies.

The first set of headlights shone on Arlette Shooting Star. I could hear her screaming for help. Before I could move toward her, a javelin sailed through the air and pinned her to the ground, piercing her heart.

The headlights above her went out.

The second set of headlights shone on Verline. She was on her knees begging for help. Before I could move toward her, a red slice appeared across her neck. She reached up to stop the flow of blood and with another slice across her wrist, her hand fell to the ground.

The headlights above her went out.

The third set of headlights shone on Levi. I wanted to run up the hill toward him, but I looked down to see my boots mired in sand. My ankles disappeared, then my calves, then my knees. I screamed, helpless, wanting to save Levi from what I knew was coming. I glanced up but it wasn’t Levi on the hillside, dead. It was Dawson.

Shot through the head. Eyes blank. His light just… gone.

I put my hands on the ground in front of me, trying to maneuver myself out of the sinkhole before it swallowed me. But my hands kept slipping. Lifting them to the light, I saw they were covered in blood. Rivers of blood from the three bodies poured downhill toward me like a red mudslide. I used my last breath to scream when the bloody sand engulfed me.

My eyes flew open, and I realized I’d screamed out loud. The front of my shirt was soaked, and I reeked of whiskey. I still clutched the empty crystal glass.

Deep shame burned, and I didn’t want to see Lex’s expression or hear Mason have to explain what’d happened. Why I was such a freak.

But as I reached to set the glass on the coffee table, Mason’s strong hand was right there, taking it from me. I looked at him, and the worry etched on his brow seemed to shame me further.

Without breaking eye contact with me, he said, “Lex, turn that off and give Mercy and me a few minutes, okay?”

The sounds of gunfights and explosions ceased abruptly.

I thought I heard Lex mutter about us leaving our clothes on, and I might’ve smiled if I hadn’t been vibrating head to toe from the shocking effects of the nightmare.

Then Dawson hauled me onto his lap. He draped an afghan over us and tucked my face into his neck, tightening his arms so I couldn’t move.

He knew what I needed. He’d been through this with me before. When the shakes wouldn’t stop, he whispered against my hair. “It’s just us here. Let it go. It wasn’t real.” He kissed my crown. “Please, sweetheart, let it go.”

I did, but not with big gasping sobs. Not because I was ashamed to cry in front of him. I’d cried in front of him plenty. I sat and let his warmth, his scent, his strength bolster me.

After he recognized I’d calmed and returned to myself, he loosened his hold and eased back to peer into my face.

“Bad?”

I nodded.

“Wanna talk about it?”

I shook my head.

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It might help.”

We’d had this exact same dialogue a dozen times since we’d been together. Mason never pushed me. He’d hold me and distract me with sex to bring me back to a happy place.

“I don’t suppose you can drag me off to bed and make me forget about it?”

Mason smiled. “We’ve already been busted once today. Let’s not push it right now, okay?”

“Okay.” I rubbed my cheek along his jawline. “I love you.”

“I know you do.”

Him tossing my usual response back at me made me smile. “I need to change out of the whiskey-soaked clothes. Then I might crawl in bed and put this day behind me.”

“Sounds good. I’ll hang with Lex and be there in a bit.”

I smooched his mouth. “Don’t forget to lock the bedroom door tonight.”

• • •

The next morning I let Dawson sleep in and took over kitchen duties.

Not even the scent of cooking bacon roused Lex, so I knocked on his door. “Lex? Time to get up and start the day.”

No answer.

I knocked louder. “Come on, kiddo. Rise and shine.”

The door opened a crack. He rubbed his eyes. “Man, you’re even more annoying than my dad in the morning.”

“There’s a compliment.”

He mumbled something and shut the door in my face.

But he was dressed and downstairs in five minutes. “What’s for breakfast?”

“Waffles and bacon. Help yourself.”

“Cool.” Lex loaded his plate.

I poured him a glass of milk.

“Thanks, Mercy.”

“You’re welcome.”

He ate. I drank coffee. I finally noticed his plate was empty, yet he still dragged his fork through the puddle of syrup.

“If you’re still hungry, I can make another waffle.”

“I’m full.” Lex looked up at me and wore the same contrite expression I’d seen on his father’s face.

“Something wrong?”

He blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For playing World of Warcraft in front of you. It’s just a game to me, and I didn’t know it’d bring back bad memories of being in war and stuff. I won’t play it anymore.”

Such a sweet boy. Like his dad in so many ways. I wanted to hug him, but that’d probably freak him out. So I reached over and messed up his hair. “Thanks. The bad dreams usually stem from something that happened at work. But not always. It’s kind of a crapshoot. I never know when they’ll pop up and knock me flat.”

“There was a guy in my apartment building who’d been in Vietnam. Some days he’d be great.”

“It’s those not-so-great days that are scary.”

Lex nodded. “One time he was sleeping in the hallway, and I accidentally woke him up. He tackled me. I had to hit him in the face to get him to leave me alone. Then he got really embarrassed, and I didn’t see him for a while.”

“I know the feeling.”

Mason ambled in. “Mornin’.” He helped himself to coffee and looked around. “Where’s Sophie?”

“She’s not here.”

“You made waffles?”

“I am not entirely helpless in the kitchen, Sheriff. Besides, you’d better not insult my cooking since I’ll be doing a lot more of it.” I sipped my coffee. “Sophie quit.”

“She did? When did this happen?”

“Hope told me last night. I guess it’s effective immediately. She wants to spend more time with Penny before she…”

Dawson frowned. “Is Penny worse?”

“No.” I explained what I’d been told the night before.

“That’s good news anyway. And I have some more good news.” He focused on Lex. “I talked to Phil Beecham, the bus driver for this area. He said if you’re down by the main highway by twenty-five before the hour, he’ll pick you up and take you to school. Won’t that be great? Getting to know the kids from around here?”

“I guess.” Lex left the table without picking up his plate.

“Huh-uh. Get back here. You know the drill.”

“Sorry, Dad.” He looked at me. Firmed his chin. “Is Sophie quitting because of me?”

“No. Why would you-” Had the kid taken the blame for everything at his mom’s house? “To be honest, Sophie is getting on in years, and it’s gotten harder for her to do all the things she used to do. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. In fact, she was pretty excited when she heard you were coming. More cookie recipes for her to test out.”

“I never knew anyone who had a housekeeper and a cook,” Lex said.

“Sophie’s more than just a housekeeper to me. She’s sort of filled in since my mom died when I was a kid.”

“Oh.” Lex hustled off after a warning from his father about being late for school.

Dawson wrapped himself around me while I rinsed the dishes. “I know you’ll miss her. I’ll miss her, too. But this is probably the best for everyone.”

I disagreed.

And in my mind, this was a temporary situation, anyway. Sophie would be back.