Monstrous Regiment

1. Trolls might not be quick thinkers but they don’t forget in a hurry, either.

2. And allowing for the fact that all pigeons who know how birds of prey catch are dead, and therefore capable of slightly less thought than a living pigeon.

3. A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish or the woman.

4. And even then it was the kind of home that has a burned-out vehicle on the lawn.

5. Lieutenant Blouse read only the more technical history books.

6. Actually a tree is not, technically, required, but seems to be insisted upon for reasons of style.

7. And failed to hit anything, especially a duck. This is so unusual in situations like this that it should be reported under new humour regulations. If it had hit a duck, which quacked and then landed on somebody’s head, this would of course have been very droll and would certainly have been reported. Instead, it drifted in the breeze a little and landed in an oak tree some thirty feet away, where it missed a squirrel.

8. It’s hard to be an ornithologist and walk through a wood when all around you the world is shouting: “Bugger off, this is my bush! Aargh, the nest thief! Have sex with me, I can make my chest big and red!”

9. It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.

10. Every long-established kitchen has one of these, and no one ever remembers why. It is generally for something that no one does any more and, even when it was done, it wasn’t done with any real enthusiasm, such as celery basting, walnut shredding or, in the worst case, edible dormouse stuffing.