My Butterfly

Chapter Sixteen New Year

“Hi,” I said, as she cracked the door and poked her head out of the small opening.

“Hey,” she said, pulling a small, furry creature back and then opening the door wider.

I watched her take the fur-ball-looking thing to another girl sitting on a couch and then disappear into a dark hallway. The girl on the couch took the dog and cradled it in her arms. The door was still open, so I stepped in and closed it again behind me.

“Let me just get my purse,” I heard a voice call out from some room in the back of the small house. “I’ll be right there.”

The girl on the couch glanced up at me.

“Hi,” I said, rocking back on my heels.

The girl smiled and returned her attention to the television and the dog, now pawing at her lap.

I squeezed my fists together in my pockets. I felt nervous. I hadn’t taken a girl out for the first time since Jules when we were sixteen. I counted the years quickly in my head. It was only three, but it felt like an eternity. She wore black on our first, real date — jeans and a tight, black top. God, I still remembered everything about it.

I glanced at a clock on a wall in the kitchen. Its loud ticking drew my attention. Eight o’clock. I touched my fingers to my palms. They felt sweaty or something, and I realized that I wasn’t nervous because of Jessica. I was nervous because I really had a bad, sick feeling about this whole, stupid idea. I should have never let Jeff talk me into it. Julia was going to hate it, and she was going to hate me for it.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Jessica said, emerging from the back room. “You look nice.”

I paused for a second in mid-thought and then awkwardly smiled.

“Thanks. So do you,” I said.

She was wearing a short, red dress — snug in all the right places. She really did look nice. And if I weren’t already obsessed with a fiery, little blonde, I realized then that I might actually really like Jessica.

“Ready?” she asked, grabbing a coat from a tall coat rack behind the door.

“Yeah,” I said and smiled.

Then, I lowered my face closer to hers.

“Does your roommate want to come?” I asked.

I watched Jessica’s eyes travel back to the girl on the couch. The girl met Jessica’s gaze and shot her an impatient look.

“I’ve tried,” Jessica said. “She says it’s too cold to go outside in a dress.”

I paused and shrugged my shoulders.

“She’s probably right,” I said, cracking a wide grin.

Jessica giggled and then slid her arms into her coat and reached for the doorknob.

“Bye, Sam,” Jessica called out over her shoulder.

The girl on the couch looked up for a second, flicked her wrist and then went back to the sitcom on the television and to scratching the dog between its ears.

I followed Jessica out the door and down the sidewalk, leading away from the little, brick house. When we reached the truck, I leaned around her to open her door. She smiled and then slid in. I was pretty sure I flashed her an awkward grin before gently closing the door behind her. I quickly shook it off and sucked in a cool breath of air, then made my way to the driver’s side.

Once behind the wheel, I felt for the key in the ignition and then purred Lou to a start before I suddenly noticed Jules’s photo on the dashboard. I stole a quick glance at Jessica. She was searching for something inside of her purse. So, without a second thought, I hastily snatched up the photo, slid it into the inside pocket of my jacket and glanced back over at Jessica. She was still searching inside her purse.

I took in a deep, nervous breath and then felt it quickly escape past my lips. Then, I forced the gear shift into first but kept my foot on the brake.

“You sure you want to go to this party?” I asked her.

Maybe there was still a way out of this mess. Maybe there was still a way for Julia not to see my dumb mistake.

Jessica blankly stared back at me.

“Isn’t everyone going to be there?” she asked.

The look on her face told me that there was no getting out of this one. Jeff was right. She really did want to go to this party. And I guessed I couldn’t blame her. It really was the best New Year’s Eve party around here, and it was always only locals who were invited. And tonight, she would be a local.

“Okay,” I said and then gently smiled.

I took my foot off the brake and hit the gas.

“To the party we go,” I said, taking in another deep, uneasy breath.

It was only half past eight, but the rooms in the big, Victorian house were nearly full. If Kathy knew one thing, it was how to throw a party. Jules always used to say that Kathy was a sixteen-year-old going on thirty-six every time Kathy would invite us to one of her elaborate shindigs back in high school. The thought and the perfect, sarcastic way Jules always used to say it made me smile on the inside.

“Will, I’m so pleased you could make it,” Kathy said, throwing her arms around me.

“Wouldn’t miss it, Kath,” I said.

Kathy pulled away and then quickly forced her attention to Jessica.

“And who’s this?” Kathy asked in a pleasant voice.

“Oh, sorry,” I said. “This is Jessica. Jessica, this is Kathy. And this is Kathy’s parents’ house,” I then said to Jessica.

“Hi,” Kathy said, snatching up Jessica’s hand with both of hers. “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“The house is beautiful,” Jessica said, with a timid smile.

“Oh, thanks,” Kathy said. “It’s been in the family for years. Are you from around here?”

“Chester,” Jessica said.

Kathy immediately cocked her head and put on a playful smirk.

“Well, normally, we don’t entertain Chester Eagles, but we’ll make an exception tonight,” Kathy said, as her smile grew warm again.

Jessica laughed.

“Thanks,” Jessica said.

“Well, how do you two know each other then?” Kathy asked.

“I…we…,” I stuttered but didn’t finish.

I couldn’t remember how I was supposed to know her. Was I supposed to know her from the golf course or through Jeff or somewhere else?

“I’m getting my associate’s degree at West Central,” Jessica said, saving me from my stumbling tongue. “Jeff is in one of my classes. And I saw him talking to Will one day…”

Jessica stopped and lowered her eyes, as if she had said too much.

“I see,” Kathy said, giving Jessica another warm smile. “Well, let me take your coats.”

Kathy put a hand on my shoulder and leaned dramatically to my side.

“Julia’s coming tonight,” I heard Kathy whisper near my ear.

I met her eyes. They were warning me, I knew. My lips immediately parted, and I felt my chest quickly rise and then fall. Then, I felt Jessica’s hand on my arm, and my eyes dropped to the spot on my bicep that Jessica was touching.

“You want to go inside?” Jessica asked me after she had given her coat to Kathy.

I caught Jessica’s hopeful gaze. It was making a direct path from the foyer where we were standing to the warmly lit room in front of us. Then, I stumbled onto Kathy’s stare again. It was still burning a stern warning straight through my forehead.

“Uh, yeah,” I said, taking a step forward. “Uh, thanks, Kathy.”

“Make yourself at home,” Kathy said in a way that sounded to me more like: Make your own bed. You’re the one who has to lie in it.

Jessica and I made our way to the back of the house. She followed my every move, but then again, she knew Jeff and a couple of Jeff’s friends from school, of which, only one had arrived. Everyone else was a new face.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked her.

“Sure,” she said, nodding her head. “I’ll just take whatever you’re drinking.”

“Easy enough,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

I ventured back toward the kitchen but took the long way to get there. If Julia were there, I could find her and explain everything before she could have a chance to get the wrong idea. I searched in between and around the swaying heads. There was no sign of her, but there was, on the other hand, an awkward, lanky kid across the room. I made my way over to him.

“Hey,” I said, coming up behind Jeff and grabbing his arm. “Have you seen Julia?”

“Hey, toolbag,” he said, putting out his hand.

He started doing the stupid handshake he made up for us in the fourth grade. I humored him and forced my hand through the motions.

“Where’s Jessica?” he asked me, ignoring my question.

“She’s in the living room,” I said. “Is Julia here yet?”

“Haven’t seen her,” he said, pushing past me and making his way toward the back of the house.

I took another glance around the room before ambling back toward the kitchen.

I got two drinks and then ventured back to the living room, where Jeff was already propped up beside Jessica, flapping his jaw. I saw him drawing the outline of a mountain with his hand, and I knew right away he was telling her the story of when he climbed some mountain in Colorado two summers ago. Jessica had that same look every girl had when Jeff was talking to her. I really hoped she wanted to come to this party as bad as Jeff said she had. If not, I really was going to have at least two girls hating me by the end of the night.

I walked over to the two of them and handed Jessica her drink.

She looked up at me, smiled and took the glass.

“Here,” she said, “sit down. Jeff is telling me about his summer at Estes Park.”

Her hand patted a small space on the couch beside her.

I stared for a couple of seconds at the spot where her hand had just been. Then, I looked up and caught Jeff’s bugged-out eyes. I was pretty sure he was silently telling me to just do something, so that he could get on with his story. So, after a few more seconds, I reluctantly fell into the couch next to her.

“Estes Park, huh?” I asked.

“Yeah, Will hates this story,” Jeff nonchalantly said and then went back to flapping his jaw.

Jessica knowingly glanced at me and smiled.

I laughed once and took a drink from my cup. I was nervous, but I played it off by sneering at Jeff. He paused for a second but then continued.

I took another drink from my cup. I didn’t know if it were the sound of Jeff’s unending story or the thought that Julia could come waltzing into the room at any moment that was making me claustrophobic. Someone had to go.

I motioned for Jessica to trade me my cup for her glass. She obliged without much nudging.

“Hey, Jeff, I think Jessica needs another drink,” I said. “Can we put your story on hold for a minute?”

Jeff stopped talking just long enough to eye Jessica’s cup.

“I got it,” he said, snatching the cup from Jessica’s hand and shooting up.”

“No, it’s okay…,” she started and then stopped when she caught a glimpse of my shaking head. “Okay, thanks,” she said instead and smiled.

“I’ll be right back,” he said. “Save my seat.”

I watched as Jeff disappeared behind a group of people hovering around the doorway. Then, I looked back at Jessica to find her questioning stare.

“He likes getting girls drinks, believe me,” I said, thinking of a way to move to a spot on the armrest of the couch without making it too awkward. “And he’s a little wound for sound — his own, that is.”

I glanced at the armrest and then back at her. I felt the anxious smile still glued to my lips. I wondered if she could see it too.

“Besides, I don’t know about you, but I needed to get out of the Colorado wilderness for a second,” I said.

Jessica laughed and then rested her hand on mine. I flinched slightly, as my eyes darted to her hand.

“You’re my hero,” she said, playfully tossing her long, brown hair behind her shoulder.

Her hand was soft and kind, but it wasn’t Jules’s hand. What the hell was I doing?

I awkwardly smiled. I wanted to pull my hand back, but I couldn’t. I had already brought her to this party as a decoy for the girl I really wanted to bring; I had subjected her to Jeff’s loathsome hiking story; and if I took my hand back now, I would surely be the jerk I was turning out to be after all. I just couldn’t bring myself to embarrass her.

“Jeff said that you are getting your paramedic’s license and that you want to be a firefighter,” I heard her say, as if her voice were coming from some distant world.

My eyes were temporarily locked on our hands.

“Uh, yeah, I am,” I managed to get out, as I forced my gaze instead to her face. “I’m a, it’s a…”

“My uncle is a firefighter,” she said, saving me again from my stumbling tongue. “It’s a tough job, but it’s really honorable.”

She slid her fingers around mine as she spoke, and suddenly, the room’s temperature rose another ten degrees — as if it weren’t already as hot as hell in the small room. I habitually pulled at the collar of my shirt.

“I mean, it’s super dangerous,” she continued. “My uncle has been trapped in a burning building and…”

She kept talking as I searched the room for Jeff. What was taking him so long? Now, all of a sudden, his stupid mountain story didn’t sound all that bad. At least, it had distracted Jessica. And damn it, this dumb plan of his would surely be the end of me if Julia was to walk…

My thoughts stopped then. And my eyes came to rest on a thin blonde in a short, black dress, standing in the doorway. I met the blonde’s fiery, green eyes as the words from the girl beside me quickly turned to mush before they reached my ears. Then, the blonde softly smiled and bit her bottom lip. She always did that when she was nervous.

God, she’s beautiful.

I watched Jules take a step and then stop. Then, all of a sudden, her face went blank, and her eyes fell fast to the hardwood floor. I held my gaze on her, until her own eyes returned to mine seconds later. But she wasn’t smiling anymore. In fact, now, her green eyes had turned sad. My heart sank as I remembered Jessica’s hand still wrapped up in mine. I tried to pull my hand back, but it was numb. I couldn’t move. I could hardly breathe.

God, what have I done?

I looked back up at Jules, and for a second, it looked as if she were going to run. No, don’t run. Yes. Run. Let’s both run. Let’s get out of here together.

Instead, she took a step toward us, and then another, until she was standing in front of Jessica and me.

“Hey,” Jules said, softly. “How have you been?”

I looked up at her, into her eyes. I felt as if I were dreaming. I wished I were dreaming. I expected her to be here. I wanted her to be here, but now, everything just felt wrong. It was all wrong.

“I’ve been good,” I said, slowly nodding my head.

They were the only words I had, but it wasn’t completely a lie. I felt good, compared to how I was going to feel after she slapped me across my face and told me that she never wanted to see me again. And how could I blame her? Yeah, we weren’t together. But what did that really mean for two people who weren’t meant to be apart?

“That’s great,” she said.

There was a smile on her face, but it wasn’t a good one. I had seen that smile before. It wasn’t one of my favorites.

“So, did you go to Will’s high school?” Jessica suddenly interjected.

Then, it all hit me like a massive wave to the chest. Sometime in the last few minutes, Jessica had stopped telling me about her uncle, the firefighter; Julia had found me in the living room, sitting too close to Jessica; and my hand had become even more intertwined with the brunette’s.

My eyes fell onto Jessica’s face for the first time since Julia had entered the room. Her focus was on Julia, and I followed her eyes back to the blonde.

Please, Julia, keep it short. Make this end. Please make this end quickly.

“Yes,” Julia finally said. “I did. I went to New Milford.”

I let out a deep sigh. Thank you, Jules.

“Julia,” a voice suddenly called out from behind her.

It was Rachel. She had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, out from the swaying heads and idle bodies in the other room.

“Chris wants to ask you something about track and find out how outstandingly well you’re doing,” Rachel said in a loud, commanding voice.

She pulled on Julia’s arm and gave me an if-we-weren’t-in-public, I’d-kill-you look. Rachel was known for those, but I wasn’t really known to get them. My heart sank further.

Julia willingly complied and allowed Rachel to guide her away from me.

“It was nice to meet you,” Julia said, turning back in Jessica’s direction.

Her words came out soft and gentle, and they weren’t the words I was expecting.

At the same time, Jeff returned from wherever he had been and proceeded to distract Jessica again. My eyes followed Julia until she reached the doorway and shot a quick glance back at me.

“Thank you,” I mimed with my lips because somehow I knew this could have gone even worse than it had.

She gave me a half-smile, and I felt the corner of my mouth edge up my face just a little, in a purely instinctive reaction to her smile because, in reality, I knew that I was as good as dead. There was no way that Jeff’s plan ever had a snowball’s chance in hell of working. Desperation will drive you to do things you know will never make you whole again and even to lose the very thing you’re desperate for. And as if I had to live it first, I knew that now — a little too late.

I watched Julia’s face turn until I couldn’t see her pretty eyes anymore, and then her black silhouette faded away into the crowd. My heart shattered right then and there. I tried to stand, but I still couldn’t feel my limbs.

“Will!”

My face instinctively turned toward Jeff.

“Dude, you all right?” he asked.

I blankly stared at him.

“I just said your name three times,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

I looked at him and then glanced at Jessica. Both of their expressions made me feel uncomfortable. They looked worried.

“I just, um,” I stuttered. “I’m going to get some more to drink.”

I looked into the glass in my hand. I saw that it was full, and I remembered then that it was Jessica’s. But I didn’t bother changing my excuse for leaving. I simply took a quick glance at each of them, forced a smile and then pushed myself up from the couch and made a beeline for the room that Julia had just disappeared into.

But no sooner had I made it through the doorway, I ran straight into a brick wall. It was Rachel, and her pointy, narrow finger was digging into the muscles in my chest.

“Will, I don’t know what messed-up act you’re trying to play tonight, but you need to stay away from her,” she said, in her very serious tone. “She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

She dropped her finger from my chest, sighed and then placed a hand on each of her temples.

“Seriously, Will,” she said. “Who is that girl?”

“It’s just a girl Jeff goes to school with,” I said. “Really, Rachel, it’s nothing. It’s not what it looked like.”

“Really, Will?” she asked.

Her voice sounded exhausted.

“Because what it looked like to me was that you were holding hands with a girl you just met, knowing that the love of your life would see it.”

I grabbed the back of a chair pushed up against the wall as my knees slightly buckled under my weight. Rachel’s eyes fell to my white knuckles gripping the chair and then narrowed back on my eyes, but this time, her expression seemed a little softer.

“What are you doing, Will?” she asked. “I know you, and I know you love her.”

“Rachel, I just…,” I said and then stopped and lowered my head. “I mean, this whole thing was her idea. She wanted the break. I just don’t understand.”

I lifted my eyes to Rachel’s again, as she sucked in a big breath of air and let out a sigh.

“You just don’t know everything about her like you think you do, and you might have just screwed this up for yourself, Will Stephens,” she said, her eyes turning stern again. “You’ve just got to give her some space now.”

She turned then, walked to the corner of the room, grabbed Julia’s arm and escorted her to the door. I watched Rachel pull a coat off the coat rack and hand it to Julia before pulling one off for herself. Julia’s eyes were sad. I could tell that much from where I stood, even though she never looked up at me. My heart stabbed at the inside walls of my chest. It took everything in me not to run after her, but I knew Rachel was right, and even if she weren’t, there was no way I was getting past her and to Julia — not tonight anyway. Instead, I watched Julia walk through the door — and possibly out of my life forever.

An anxious breath quickly escaped past my lips as the hard, wooden door closed behind her and the room grew dark around me.

I wasn’t sure how long I had been standing there when, seemingly by instinct, I charged toward the door. I swung it open, and a blast of cold air engulfed my body. I knew I should have felt it more than I had, but a part of me was still numb. I hastily scanned the street. The night was black, so the taillights of her jeep pulling away were easy to see.

I took a couple of steps, and I was off the porch and on the sidewalk. I reached for my keys in my pocket but then stopped. I couldn’t chase after her. I couldn’t leave Jessica in there. And chasing after Jules ultimately wouldn’t get us anywhere tonight anyway. I wouldn’t want to see me either. My heart stung my chest again, and at the same time, a chill ran up my spine, reminding me that I wasn’t invincible. I shoved my hands into my pockets and leaned up against a porch beam. Then, I forced my head back against the beam’s wood, as I took a deep breath, slowly let it out and then watched the fog it made disappear into the night.

After some time, I glanced at my watch. It was midnight, a new year. A set of headlights on the street in front of me caught my attention. I stood up and locked my eyes onto them. They slowed, stopped at the sign and then continued on.

I let out a sigh, as my eyes fell to the ground again and my hand found my forehead in frustration. She wasn’t coming back. She was gone, and it was all my fault.

It was a little after one in the morning, and I was following Jessica up the walk and to her doorstep.

When she reached her door, she stopped and faced me. I, meanwhile, took in a deep breath of air through my nose. It was even colder than it had been earlier, and it stung my throat and lungs.

“You know, you disappeared before midnight, and I didn’t get a New Year’s kiss,” she said, softly smiling.

I looked up from the ground, found her eyes and forced an awkward smile.

“Jessica,” I said and then stopped.

Her eyes were planted on mine, and I knew she was waiting for me to say something else, but I just didn’t know how to say what I had to say. I repositioned my feet in the spot where I was standing, shoved my bare hands into my warm pockets and lowered my eyes to the walk again.

“I’m, uh, not ready to do this yet,” I eventually managed to get out.

I didn’t hear anything, and my eyes soon rose to meet hers. She looked as if she had just been hurt, and she had been, and it was my fault.

“I thought that maybe I was,” I lied.

Her big, brown eyes continued to stare into mine. Then, eventually, she nodded her head, and it seemed as if she tried to smile.

“Okay,” she said so softly that I could barely hear her.

She stood there for a little while longer, then turned toward the door, placed her hand on the doorknob and paused. I waited for her to turn around, but she didn’t. Instead, she turned the knob and slid past the door’s frame and into the warm house. I watched as the door closed gently behind her, until all I could see was a wreath hanging from a nail at the top of the door. I quickly read the inscription underneath the wreath’s big, red bow: ‘Tis the season to be merry.

I let out a deep sigh and then followed with my eyes the path my breath made escaping back into the cold air.

New Year’s resolution — find a way to make things right again.