My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

DOCTOR, DOCTOR

MOST WOMEN I know prefer female gynecologists, masseuses, and therapists. I prefer men. I've always felt that men have a better grasp of the female body, and I've always felt more comfortable naked with a man in the room. Their hands are usually stronger, they're usually more confident when performing the task at hand, and most men have penises. I love penises.

Ivory had just been referred to a new gynecologist. Apparently her last gynecologist started to give her attitude after seeing her three times in one month. She thought that maybe Ivory was a vaginal hypochondriac.

She was right. After any sexual contact or her period, Ivory would schedule an appointment with her OB GYN to make sure everything was still intact. She tried to assure me these visits were driven purely by her desire to maintain maximum sexual enjoyment at all times. Knowing Ivory as well as I did, I was aware of the real reason: terror. She was constantly afraid of picking up a disease. This is someone who worried that her clitoris could catch unwanted UV rays from a maxipad that had been sitting in the sun too long. As if maxipads just decided to get up in the middle of the day and walk outside for a tan. She once asked me if I thought you could get crabs from giving someone a blow job. Knowing that crabs are attracted to hairy areas, I told her, "Yes, but only if you have a mustache."

After her first visit with Dr. Luke, Ivory came directly over to my apartment. She was beaming.

"You are never going to believe how sexy my new doctor is," she said. Ivory has excellent taste in men. I knew if she thought someone was sexy, he was. "He's funny, sexy, smart, and he's not married!" she cried.

"Great," I said. "Go out with him."

"I can't," she said. "I've been seeing Jackson for two months. We've decided to become exclusive."

Jackson and Ivory. Jackson was the lead singer of some band I can't remember the name of. He was pretty sexy, but his hair was longer than Ivory's and it always looked like he was hiding something in it. Ivory came from a lot of money; her Cuban parents had started a lucrative pet-grooming business that now occupied fourteen different locations. She usually dated rich men. She also wasn't one of those girls who went crazy for musicians, so I was surprised at their pairing. Other than seeing his band perform twice, I didn't know much about Jackson other than the fact that he loved going down on Ivory.

"Well, too bad," I said. "You'll have to wait until you break up, then. I'm sure you'll get to know Dr. Luke in the meantime."

"You go out with him," she said.

The thought of going steady with someone who knew his way around a vagina seemed like a great idea. "Okay," I said. "But first, I'm making an appointment. I have to make sure he's good with a speculum."

"You're the best! I knew you'd do it. You have to sleep with him too, though. I need to live vicariously through you."

"Well, let me see what I can do."

Ivory had never asked me for a favor before. I had done small favors for her, of course, bringing her medicine when she was sick or driving her to the airport, but nothing of this magnitude. I was honored that she trusted me enough to take on this task. She was in need, and luckily she had someone like me to depend on.

I called that afternoon to make my appointment with Dr. Luke. His first availability was in two weeks. Due to my lack of employment, my schedule was wide open and nothing conflicted on my end. And I couldn't think of a better way to spend my afternoon.

I immediately scheduled a bikini wax with my aesthetician. When I got there I asked her if she could wax a special message for the doctor. Like, "What's up, Doc?" She said my vagina face wasn't big enough for so many words. I loved the term "vagina face" and couldn't wait to use it in a sentence.

We agreed on the basic Brazilian-right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.

Finally, the Tuesday of my appointment rolled around. I decided on a business suit to give the illusion of being a professional. The thought that I would be lying there naked escaped me.

When I got to the office, I was nervous. What if he didn't like my vagina? What if I had some weird vagina that made him laugh? I usually wasn't this insecure, but I needed him to like me. I could not let Ivory down. Having someone depend on me really made me want to pull through. I filled out some paperwork and took a couple deep breaths.

When my name was called I went into the examining room and was given one of those cloth robes that doesn't close and has a bottom the size of a napkin, so if I was to sit up, my ass crack would be facing the door when Dr. Luke came in. This was not the first impression I wanted to make. I drew the robe shut and lay down.

Dr. Luke walked in. He was older, in his late thirties, and Ivory was right-very sexy. He reminded me of a friendly Richard Gere. Really warm. He flashed me a wide, genuine smile revealing a good bedside manner. I hoped this led to a good bedroom manner.

I liked him instantly. Ivory should be a matchmaker. I had my legs crossed and I was leaning up on my elbows. I looked like I was posing for Playboy.

"You are Miss…"

"You can call me Chesty-I mean Chelsea." I gave him my best smile. You would have thought we were at a picnic.

"Okay, Chelsea, you can call me Dr. Luke."

"Oh, thank you!" We both laughed. He was funny.

"And what seems to be the problem today?" he asked

"Oh, nothing in particular, just my annual Pap smear."

"It says on your chart here that your last Pap smear was two months ago."

"Really?" I asked. "That's weird, I could have sworn it's been a while."

"Well, your last doctor sent the test results over, and that's the date of the exam."

"He's actually not all there… mentally, if you catch my drift. That's why I'm here. I think his time as a doctor may be up."

"Oh, I see," said Dr. Luke. This was going badly. What was with the third degree?

"Well, let's get started," he said. "Why don't you lie back and relax. We'll just take a look and see if everything's in order."

I noticed pictures of him on sailboats all over his walls. "Are you a sailor?" I asked as he stuck something cold into my vagina.

"Yes, about every free chance I get."

"How weird," I said. "Me too!" If had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

"Really?" he asked. "How often do you go out?"

"Every chance I get."

"Do you have your own boat?"

"Yes. It's being fixed, actually, just a little Boston whaler." It occured to me that a Boston whaler was not a sailboat. He asked what was wrong with it, and I panicked and said a flat.

"I mean… uh, not a flat, an oil leak," I said.

"Do you compete?" he asked me, as he peered up from in between my legs.

"Not really, but I love to watch. Sailing has always been my favorite thing to do."

I didn't even know what I was talking about. I wasn't sure if I was making any sense at all, and I needed to steer the conversation elsewhere, before he found out that the closest I'd ever come to sailing was going down the water slide at Great Adventure.

"There's a regatta in Catalina this weekend," he told me.

"Yes, I was supposed to go, but since my boat's in the shop, I think I'm gonna miss it. I was really looking forward to it."

"My partner and I are going." He didn't look at me when he said this. Was this an invitation?

"No kidding! Oh, I'm so jealous. It's gonna be such a blast."

"You know, you can take a boat over to Catalina from Long Beach," he informed me. That definitely didn't sound like an invitation.

"Oh, yes, I know," I said, "but it's just not the same."

"Well, everything looks okay down here. We should have the lab work back in a couple weeks, and we'll let you know if anything comes out irregular."

"It shouldn't. I haven't had sex in a while. Anyway, thanks again. I didn't feel a thing." I considered telling him that it was the best Pap smear I had ever had, but I didn't want to overdo it.

"Who were you planning on going over to Catalina with?" he asked as he was about to open the door to leave.

"Oh, a girlfriend of mine. We go all the time."

"Well, if you girls are in a bind, I'd be glad to give you a lift to the island. It's nothing too exciting, just me and Dr. Wheeler, but a patient in need…"

"Oh, I'd hate to impose," I said.

"Oh, please, you might be doing us a favor. It'll be nice to have someone aboard who knows how to sail instead of me. Dr. Wheeler isn't the most gifted seaman." I wasn't sure if I wanted to make this kind of commitment, but Dr. Luke was getting sexier and the thought of seeing him in a pair of shorts with his hair blowing in the wind made me shiver.

"That would be amazing," I said. "Do you really think it would be okay?"

"Sure. It will be fun to have some young company. I'll leave my number at the front for you. Call me this week and we'll set it up."

"That's so awesome of you! Thank you!"

I couldn't believe how nice this guy was. That was so easy. Except for the part about me sailing.

I also had to figure out which girlfriend of mine was deserving enough of a weekend trip to Catalina with a doctor. Ivory would be very jealous, but she would have to lie in the bed she made for me. I got Dr. Luke's number at the front desk and hurried outside to find the nearest bookstore. I needed to pick up a copy of Sailing for Dummies fast.

My phone rang while I was driving. It was my best friend from high school, Rory. She had gone to Penn after high school, gotten an undergrad degree in psychology, and then moved to L.A. to pursue a career in acting and had instead pursued one guy after another. "I need to get out of my date Friday with that loser anesthesiologist. I asked him if he would anesthetize me the other night, and he looked at me as if I asked him to fuck me in the eye. I can't bear another dinner with this guy."

"Just tell him you're going to Catalina for the weekend with your new gynecologist boyfriend."

"I wish," she said.

"No, really. We're going to Catalina this weekend with my new gyno and his partner."

"Are you being serious?" she asked.

"Yes. On a sailboat."

"I love you."

"Thank you. I didn't actually get a look at your guy, but he is a doctor."

"Do they have access to anesthesia?"

"One would assume."

"Please tell me these arrangements were made while he was giving you a breast exam."

"I can one up that."

"You make me so happy, I'll call you right back."

Rory and I met our studs at his boat slip in the marina. Dr. Wheeler's name was Matthew. He was no Dr. Luke, but he was cute in a darker, more mysterious way. Rory immediately thought Dr. Luke was for her but I told her to step off.

The boat was beautiful. It was huge and white with massive sails. I knew for sure I couldn't pretend to sail it. I had brought plenty of booze along to give myself a good excuse, but apparently I didn't have to worry because another couple had been invited and they were "avid sailors." Dr. Luke told me that if I wanted in on any of the action I was going to have to take a stand; his friends Lori and Glen were very controlling at the helm of a boat.

"Oh, well, we'll just see about that," was my response.

An hour into our boat ride, Dr. Luke pulled out a bag full of Ecstasy. A drug-toting gynecologist! I had died and gone to heaven. When he asked us if we partied, I thought Rory may have peed in her pants a little. Matthew warned us to keep it on the down-low because Lori and Glen didn't "party."

We all popped our tabs and wandered onto the deck. The thought occurred to me that this was possibly the happiest day of my life. Rory and Matthew started an intense conversation about religion and life on other planets. Those two topics were about as interesting to me as the Louisiana Purchase, so I just bided my time and waited for an in to the conversation.

The more Matthew talked and drank, the more I got the impression that something was definitely wrong with him. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I kept glancing at Dr. Luke for his reaction, but he was barely paying attention to me. Maybe I didn't look so good, I worried. But I knew that was impossible. I had had a facial and a haircut that morning. I'd have to be Tarzan to not look good at that point. During one of Matthew's stories, Rory leaned in and whispered, "He's hot." I was thinking the exact opposite but instead nodded encouragingly and said, "I know, see if you can get him alone."

Getting him alone, however, seemed impossible. Matthew was going on and on about how sometimes he can see his dead relatives, not really leaving much room for me and Dr. Luke to get to know each other any better. I needed to talk to Dr. Luke and charm him, so he would start paying more attention to me, but he didn't seem interested at all.

We were on our third bottle of Veuve Clicquot when Matthew said he had to "hit the head." Finally, I would get some stage time. I could talk about my theory of dwarfism and how I think there is an undeniable connection between them and the Little Dipper. It wouldn't be long before Dr. Luke realized that I was more than just a pretty face.

"I'm going down below to get us some cheese and crackers," Dr. Luke said and left. Two seconds later, Rory stood up. "I'm going downstairs to have sex with Matthew," she said.

The Ecstasy was starting to kick in, but unlike the rest of the human race, Ecstasy doesn't make me horny. Sure, I may want to kiss someone, but the sudden and rabid need for sex doesn't happen. I much prefer to sit outside, look at the stars, and daydream about what life would have been like had I become a professional women's basketball player.

I told Rory I didn't care what she did as long as she left me alone, because I was starting to feel really good. About five minutes later, she came back and grabbed my arm, a flurry of delight on her face.

"You're flying," I said.

"Yeah, and I'm not the only one. Come with me."

"Leave me here, go, you can have him," I mumbled. I would have been perfectly happy if I never saw another person again in my life. I felt amazing.

"The guys are waiting for us," Rory said.

"Where?" I asked.

"Downstairs. Come on, Chelsea!"

"Okay."

I got up and walked downstairs with her. As we approached the bedroom, I heard a very recognizable sound coming from behind the door-only to be followed by seeing a very shocking thing when Rory pushed open the door. Matthew was inside Dr. Luke. He was doing him doggie style, holding down his head and smacking his ass. What was happening? I wanted to run over and protect Dr. Luke's honor, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Also, I was a little thrown. I had never seen two men having sex before in real life. Rory just stood beside me with a huge grin on her face. She loved controversy.

I had so many different emotions running through me that I was frozen in place. The only thing I could do was to shout, "Stop that!"

Matthew and Dr. Luke both looked over at me with huge Ecstasy smiles on their faces and kept going.

"What is going on here?" I demanded. I sounded like my father.

Rory was enjoying every minute of my mortification. She didn't even lower her voice to say, "Turns out they're both gay."

"No, he's his partner,'" I said.

"Yes, Chelsea… get it?"

"Oh, shit." I finally realized what kind of partner he was talking about. I couldn't believe it. I was too high to deal with this. I told Rory we needed to swim to shore.

We ran up onto the deck and asked Lori and Glen where the life jackets were. Rory asked them how long before we got to Catalina. They said we'd be there in about twenty minutes. Great. No problem. We'd rent a hotel room and take a boat back tomorrow.

I told Rory not to blow our high and we'd have fun no matter what. The important thing was not to think about what was happening or what I had just seen. I had to focus on the positive-whatever that was. Rory grabbed four more tabs of Ecstasy and shoved them in her purse.

"Good thinking," I said.

Dr. Luke and Matthew came upstairs just as we were docking. They were all over each other. It was painful to watch, like seeing your boyfriend cheat on you but with a man. Rory, however, couldn't stop laughing, and eventually I started laughing too, and then they both started laughing. Then they headed toward us with very lascivious looks in their eyes. Dr. Luke reached for my boob and asked if I wanted to get it from two guys at once. "That was sooo five years ago," I thought about saying. Instead I said, "Look at the stars."

Rory told them that she wasn't into getting it in the ass and that we were leaving once the boat docked.

"We didn't ask you," Dr. Luke said.

"Excuse me?" asked Rory, offended.

Quickly, I told them we'd love to hang out more, but we were meeting friends and had to fly. No pun intended.

Once we got off the boat we took another tab and had a blast trying to find a hotel. We kept getting distracted by the sky. After a while, I needed water badly so we stopped at a bar-only to find about 150 swing dancers in mid-prance. The bartender told us that Catalina was having its annual swing-dancing convention. I couldn't believe there was such a thing. He warned us that every hotel was booked. We had only one option at that point, and that was to get in on the fun. So we swing danced well into the wee hours of the morning, with the help of our additional Ecstasy tabs, and when the lights were shut off, we went to the beach and watched the sun come up. We hadn't done that since prom. We caught the first ferry back to Long Beach and took a taxi to Santa Monica. In the cab, Rory told me I had lost my touch since high school. I reminded her that I was their first pick for a gang bang. That shut her up.

Ivory was very disappointed when I gave her the bad news. She went back to her old gynecologist and so did I. But a few months later, I ran into Dr. Luke at Jerry's Famous Deli in the marina. I was with a guy I was dating, and Dr. Luke was with the biggest black man I had ever seen. Just the sight of the two of them together made my anus tighten. I noticed Dr. Luke making his way over to my table, so I got up and walked in the other direction, straight to my car. I couldn't afford a run-in with this guy in front of my new suitor. There were only three things he could bring up: my vagina, his anus, and his Ecstasy that I stole.

I called my date on his cell phone and asked him to meet me outside. I explained that this guy was a lunatic and he was always harassing me and I couldn't bear to have a conversation with him.

"He seemed pretty normal," my guy said. "He asked if your boat was out of the shop yet. I didn't know you had a boat."