Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

Chapter Five:

"I just need to pick up a few things."

—I. MARCOS

I'VE MADE NUMEROUS references to the Bazaar at Deva, where I make my home. For the benefit of those who do not travel the dimensions or read these books, it's the largest market center in the known dimensions. Anything you can imagine, as well as many an item you can't, is for sale there. Competition is stiff, and the Deveel merchants will turn themselves or their customers inside out before they'll let a sale get away.

I mention this so that everyone following this adventure will realize what a shock shopping on Perv was to me. The differences were so many, it was almost hard to accept that the same activity was underway in both instances.

For openers, there was the basic layout. The Bazaar is an endless series of stalls and shops that stretch over the horizon in all directions. There are various concentrations of specialty shops, to be sure, but no real pattern and, more important, no way of finding anything without looking. In direct contrast, Pervish shopping is dominated by what Edvik referred to as "department stores." One store could take up an entire city block with as many as six stories crammed full of merchandise. The goods are organized into sections or "departments" and carefully controlled so as not to be in competition with each other. Signs are prominently displayed to tell shoppers where everything is-, though it is still relatively easy to get lost in the maze of aisles and counters. Of course, it also helps if you can read Pervish.

Perhaps the biggest difference, however is in the general attitude toward customers. This was apparent when I made my first stop in the luggage department. There was a good selection of bags and cases there, and the displays were laid out well enough so that I could distinguish between the magikal and non-magikal bags without being able to read the signs. It wasn't even that hard to make my selection. There was a small canvas suitcase roughly the size of a thick attache case which caught my eye both from the simplicity of. the design and the fact that it was magikally endowed. That is, it had a permanent spell on it which made it about three times as large on the inside as it showed on the exterior. It occurred to me it might be a handy item to have, and if I was going to buy something to check into a hotel with, it might as well be something I could actually get some use out of later.

The difficulties started when I was ready to make my purchase. Up to this point, I had been pleasantly surprised that the sales help had left me alone. On Deva, I would have been approached by the proprietor or one of his assistants as soon as I set foot in the display area, and it was kind of nice for a change to browse leisurely without being pressured or having whatever overstock was on sale that day touted to the heavens. Once I had made my selection, however, I found that getting the attention of one of the salesmen was astoundingly difficult.

Standing by the display which featured the bag I wanted, I looked toward the cash register where two salesmen were engrossed in conversation. On Deva, this would have been all that was necessary to have the proprietor swoop down on me, assuming he had given me any room to start with. Here, they didn't seem to notice. Slightly puzzled, I waited a few moments, then cleared my throat noisily. It didn't even earn me a glance.

"Are you coming down with something, Skeeve?" Kalvin said anxiously. "Anything contagious, I mean?"

"No, I'm just trying to signal for one of the salesmen."

"Oh."

The Djin floated a few feet higher to peer toward the cash register.

"It doesn't seem to be working."

"I can see that, Kalvin. The question is, what will?" We waited a few more moments and watched the salesmen in their discussion.

"Maybe you should go over there," the Djin suggested at last.

It seemed strange to pursue a salesman to get him to take my money, but lacking a better idea I wandered over to the sales counter.

... And stood there.

The salesmen finished their discussion of sports and started on dirty jokes.

... And stood there.

Then the subject was the relative merits of the women they were dating. It might have been interesting, not to mention instructional, if I hadn't been getting so annoyed.

"Do you get the feeling I'm not the only one who's invisible?" Kalvin muttered sarcastically. When a Djin who's used to sitting in a bottle for years starts getting impatient, I figure I'm justified in taking action.

"Excuse me," I said firmly, breaking into the conversation. "I'd like to look at that bag over there? The small magik one in green canvas?"

"Go ahead," one of the salesmen shrugged and returned to his conversation.

I stood there for a few more moments in sheer disbelief, then turned and marched back over to the bag. "Now you're starting to move like a Pervect," the Djin observed.

"I don't care,'-‘ I snarled. "And that's Pervert! I've tried to be nice... didn't want to mess up their display... but, if they insist..."

For the next several minutes I took my anger out on the bag, which was probably the safest object to vent my spleen on. I hefted it, swung it over my head, slammed it against the floor a couple times, and did everything else to it I could think of short of climbing inside. I've got to admit the thing was sturdily made. Then again, I was starting to see why goods on Perv had to be tough. The salesmen never favored me with so much as a glance.

"Check me on this, Kalvin," I panted, my exertions finally starting to wear on my endurance. "The price tag on this bag does say 125 gold, doesn't it?" I may not be able to read many written languages, but numbers and prices have never given me any trouble. I guess it comes from hanging around with Aahz as long as I have... not to mention Tananda and Bunny.

"That's the way I read it."

"I mean, that's not exactly cheap. I've seen clerks treat 10-copper items with more concern and respect than these guys are showing. Don't they care?"

"Not so's you'd notice," the Djin agreed.

"Do you think they' d notice if I tried to just tuck it under my arm and walk out without paying? It would be nice to know something can get to these guys."

The Djin glanced around nervously.

"I really don't know, but I don't think you should try."

That cooled me down a bit. I was still in strange territory on a mission, and it was no time to start testing security systems.

"Okay," I growled. "Let's try this again." This time, when I approached the sales counter, I figured I had learned my lesson. No more Mr. Nice Guy. No more waiting around for them to end their discussion. "I'd like to buy that green magik bag, the small canvas one," I said, bursting into their conversation in mid-sentence.

"All right."

The salesman I had first spoken with was halfway to the display before I realized what he was doing. Now that I had his attention, my normal shopping instincts cut in. "Excuse me. I'd like a new case rather than the floor display... and is there any chance you have it in black?" The salesman gave me a long martyred look.

"Just a moment, I'll have to check."

He went slouching off while his partner began wandering aimlessly through the section straightening displays.

"If you don't mind my saying so, Skeeve, I think you're pushing your luck," Kalvin observed.

"Hey, it's worth asking," I shrugged. "Besides, however inconsiderate the help is, this is still a store. There's got to be some interest in giving the customer what he wants." Fifteen minutes later, the salesman still hadn't reappeared and I found my temper was starting to simmer again.

"Um... is it time to say ‘I told you so' yet?" the Djin smirked.

Ignoring him, I intercepted the second salesman.

"Excuse me, how far is it to the storeroom?"

"Why do you ask?" he blinked.

"Well, your partner was checking on something for me, and it's been a while."

The salesman grimaced.

"Who? Him? He's gone on break. He should be back in an hour or so if you'd like to wait."

"What??"

"I suppose I could go look for you, if you'd like. What was it you wanted?"

As I've said before, I may be slow, but I do learn. This was the last salesman in the section and I wasn't about to let him out of my sight.

"Forget it. I'll take the small green magik bag over there. The one in canvas."

"Okay. That'll be 125 in gold. Do you want to carry it or shall I give you a sack?"

Before I could think, my Bazaar reflexes cut in. "Just a second. That's 125 for a new bag. How much will you knock off the price for one that's been used for a floor display?"

Kalvin groaned and covered his eyes with one hand. "I don't set the prices," the salesman said, starting to turn away. "If you don't like it, shop somewhere else." The thought of starting this fiasco all over again defeated me.

"Wait a minute," I called, fumbling with my money belt. "I'll take it. But can I at least get a receipt?"

Shopping for clothes turned out to be a trial of a different sort. There were magik lifts that carried me up two floors to the clothing section, which fortunately gave me time to think things through.

The trouble was that I was disguised as a Pervect. Because of their build, this made me appear much more heavyset than I really was. If I bought clothes to fit my disguised form, they'd hang on the real me like a tent. If I went for my real size, however, it would be a dead giveaway when I asked to try them on.

What I finally decided to do was to shop in the kids' section, which would be the best bet for finding my real size anyway, and say I was buying them for my son. I had gotten pretty good at eyeballing clothes for size, so the fit probably wouldn't be too bad.

I needn't have worried.

It seems a lot more people shop for clothes than shop for luggage. A lot more.

Not being able to read the signs, I couldn't tell if there was a sale on or if this was the normal volume of customers the section got. Whatever the case, the place was a madhouse. Throngs of shoppers, male and female, jostled and clawed at each other over tables heaped with various items of apparel. To say angry voices were raised fails to capture the shrieks and curses which assaulted my ears as I approached the area, but I- could make out the occasional sounds of cloth tearing. Whether this was from items on sale being ripped asunder by rival shoppers; or the rival shoppers themselves being ripped asunder I could never tell for sure. It was like watching a pileup at the Big Game, but without teams and without breaks between plays.

"Don't tell me you're going into that!" Kalvin gasped. "Without armor or artillery?"

It seemed a strange question for someone from a supposedly peaceful dimension to ask, but I was busy concentrating on the task ahead.

"This shopping thing is already taking too long," I said grimly. "I'm not going to lose any more time by having Edvik hunt us up another store... especially since there's no guarantee it will be any better than this one. I'm going to wade in there, grab a couple of outfits, and be done with it once and for all."

Good taste and a queasy stomach at the memory prevent me from going into detail on how the next half hour went. Suffice it to say that Kalvin abandoned me and hovered near the ceiling to watch and wait until I was done. Now I've knocked around a bit, and been knocked around more times than I care to recall, but if there's any memory that compares to holding my own against a mob of Pervish shoppers, my mind has successfully suppressed it. I elbowed and shoved, used more than a little magik when no one was looking and called on most of the dirty tricks I learned in the Big Game, and in the end I had two outfits I wasn't wild about but was willing to settle for rather than enter the fracas anew in search of something better. I also had a lingering fondness for the fat Pervish lady I hid behind from time to time to catch my breath.

Having sat out the battle, Kalvin was in good shape to guide me back to the exit. That was fortunate, since the adrenalin drop after emerging from the brawl was such that I could barely see straight, let alone walk steadily. I don't know where Edvik was waiting, but his cab materialized out of the traffic as soon as we emerged from the store and in no time we were back in the safety of the back seat. It wasn't until later that I realized what a commentary it was on department stores that the cab now seemed safe to me.

"Can we go to the hotel now?" I said, sinking back in the seat and shutting my eyes.

"Like that? Don't you want to change first?"

"Change?" Somehow I didn't like the sound of that.

"You know, into a conservative suit. Business types always get the best service at hotels."

Kalvin groaned, but he needn't have worried. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it's that I wasn't heading back to that store.

"Tell you what, Edvik. Describe a suit to me." The cabbie rubbed his chin as he plotted his way through the traffic.

"Well, let's see. They're usually dark grey or black... three piece with a vest... thin white pinstripes closely spaced... and, you know, the usual accessories like a white shirt and a striped tie."

Just as I thought. The same as was worn on Deva... and every other dimension I've met businessmen on. I closed my eyes again and made a few adjustments to my disguise spell.

"Like this?"

The cabbie glanced over his shoulder, then swiveled around to gape openly.

"Say! That's neat!" he exclaimed.

"Thank you," I said smugly. "It's nothing really. Just a disguise spell I use."

"So why didn't you use that to fake the new outfits and the luggage instead of hassling with the stores?"

"I was about to ask the same thing," Kalvin murmured.

For the life of me, I couldn't think of a good answer.