Never Knowing

SESSION EIGHTEEN

I thought about everything you said, and considering what I’m going through I guess I could be doing a lot worse. You get some of the credit. No matter what I tell you, no matter how weird I’m feeling, you make me look at it. And you always help me figure out where it’s coming from. Then I can deal with it, or at least try to make sense of it. Evan accepts all my quirks and craziness — well, that might be up for debate at the moment. But I don’t think he really understands why I do the things I do, or maybe he just doesn’t need to know why.

Me, I’ve always questioned everything—a trait that drove my dad nuts. Okay, most people in my life. But you were the first person who told me it was okay to have questions, who encouraged them. Actually you were the first person who told me I was okay. Even Lauren sometimes tells me to stop being so … so Sara. But not you.

You said my obsessions were passions, that my intensity was a powerful gift, that my determination was admirable. That what I considered my weaknesses could also be my greatest strengths. If John is a mirror that reflects back my worst distortions of myself, then you’re a mirror that reflects the good. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn’t have you holding it up.

When I got home from our last session Evan had left a message saying he was exhausted and was turning his cell off and going to bed. I felt bad he didn’t know I was planning to meet John at noon the next day but relieved I didn’t have to tell him. I left a message saying I was sorry I missed his call and wished him a good night. Then I hung up before I blurted out everything.

After Billy brought Ally home he waited while I put her to bed, then we went over the logistics for the meeting again. The police had counterattacks set up on the main highway from Williams Lake to Vancouver and conservation officers stopping people on the back roads, but for all they knew they’d already let John through. We had to continue with our plan.

This time Billy was posing as a park landscaper working near the bench where I’d be sitting. I felt a lot better knowing he’d be close. He’s so big and solid, definitely someone you’d want by your side if you were going into a dark alley — or meeting a serial killer. A couple of times I cracked a joke and he always smiled, but then he’d point back to his sketch of the park. His belief that their plan was going to work shored up my belief that I was doing the right thing. All I had to do was sit on a bench for a little while and this whole nightmare would be over.

After Billy left around ten I collapsed into bed and sank into a dreamless sleep. But the next morning I woke on Evan’s side of the bed and as I cuddled his pillow, breathing in his scent, my confidence began to ebb. What if something happened to me? What if that last conversation I’d had with Evan was our last conversation ever? I had to let him know how much I love him. But when I tried his cell, he didn’t answer. For a moment I was tempted to phone Billy and call the whole thing off. Then I thought about what would happen if I did.

Ally wanted to make me breakfast, pancakes the same way Evan makes them. I let her make a total mess of the kitchen — she looked so cute in her little apron and chef’s hat as she served me — then sat at the table with her instead of rushing around to clean up. As I listened to her morning chatter, smiling at her story about what Moose did to his stuffie, I prayed this wouldn’t be her last memory of me. I tried to remind myself that John had never threatened me, but I couldn’t forget that he was a killer. When we got to Ally’s school I walked her to her classroom, then dropped to my knees in front of her.

“Ally, you know how much Mommy loves you, right?”

“Yup.”

“How much?” I said in a teasing voice.

“More than Moose loves his bunny!” She giggled and I pulled her in for a hug, squeezing so tight she said, “Mom-meeee!” and I had to let go. She joined a couple of friends and, giving me a little wave over her shoulder, she entered the classroom.

On my way to the station for a final briefing with Sandy and Billy, I tried to call Lauren, but she didn’t answer. Desperate to talk to someone, I almost called Melanie, then remembered I still hadn’t listened to Kyle’s CD. When I tried Evan’s number again I just got his voice mail. This time I even called the lodge’s direct line to his office, which I don’t like doing because he’s rarely there, and his receptionist, who I don’t like because she has no sense of humor, said he was working on one of the boats.

After the meeting at the station I was on my way home to kill an hour when I passed a store with bundles of flowers outside. I picked the biggest bunch I could and drove to my parents’ place. When Mom opened the door, her face lit up.

“Sara, what a lovely surprise. Have you eaten?”

As I sat there drinking coffee, playing with my cinnamon bun, wondering if I’d live through the day, Mom touched my hand every two minutes.

“I’m glad you came by, sweetie. It’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to visit.”

“Sorry, Mom, it’s just been crazy between wedding plans and work.”

“I’m always here if you need help.” As she smiled I noticed she’d put blush on her cheeks, but the makeup just sat on top of her pale skin. I wanted to brush it off and replace it with a kiss. She did always try to be there for me, despite her illness. But she couldn’t help with this. She couldn’t help with any of my problems growing up — not that I ever asked. I loved my mom for her sweet and gentle soul, but it was those same characteristics that stopped me from sharing anything real. I’d do anything to protect her from pain.

“I know, Mom. You’re awesome.”

She smiled again. She was so easy to please. All she wanted was for her children to be happy. The thought of all the lies I’d told her over the last couple of months, was still telling her, made tears prick at the back of my eyes.

“Dad never wanted to adopt me, did he?” I couldn’t believe I’d asked, and judging by Mom’s flushed cheeks, she couldn’t either.

She looked around like he was going to walk in right that minute. “Of course, he just…”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” I already had my answer. Guilt was written all over her face. I always knew why Dad was so distant, but to have it finally confirmed hurt more than I’d expected.

I switched the talk to Ally until it was time to go meet John. I gave Mom a hug and a kiss at the door, letting myself sink into it for a moment, inhaling her powdery cinnamon scent. Then, with a promise to bring Ally over soon, I got going. As I neared the park I tried to call Evan’s cell one more time. Still no answer, so I left him a message. I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him I love him and, “I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.”

At Bowen Park I found the bench near the outdoor tennis court where I told John I’d wait, then watched every truck and car pulling in. My gaze roamed the park in case he walked in from a different direction, and I held my breath every time I spotted someone, letting it out in a rush when it turned out to be a false alarm. Billy, weeding a garden bed on my right, met my eyes a couple of times, giving me a hang-in-there smile. When I wasn’t watching for John, I was monitoring the whereabouts of the undercover officers.

Ten minutes passed. To occupy my hands I spun my coffee cup around and around and around. Another ten minutes and still no sign of John. The gallons of coffee I’d drunk had me needing to pee, bad. Images of my bladder exploding filled my head. Thank God I remembered to take my pill this time. I was about to risk speaking into the wire device when my cell rang. It was John.

“John! Where are you?”

“Sorry, Sara, but I’m not going to be able to meet today.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. I’ve been sitting here for almost a half hour.” I forced myself to calm down. “I’m just confused. Yesterday you were really excited about getting together, so why are you—”

“I changed my mind.” He sounded pissed off.

You don’t think I wanted to change my mind, you jerk?

“That’s too bad, John. I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you.”

“I’m sorry, I wanted to, but it just won’t work out.”

“Where are you right now?”

“Vancouver.”

“You’re almost here. Why don’t you see if you can catch the next ferry?”

“No, we’ll have to meet in a couple of days.”

“Unfortunately that’s not going to work for me. Evan’s coming home tomorrow.” Two can play that game.

“So?”

“So I’m going to be busy.”

His voice rose. “I don’t want to meet today. When I woke up, it didn’t feel right.”

Of course it didn’t feel right, you murdering son of a bitch — the cops were going to arrest your ass. But now this was never going to end. I had to give it one more chance.

“I don’t mind waiting a little longer so you can think it through—”

He hung up. Was he pissed off? Should I just leave? I glanced at Billy, but I couldn’t read his expression.

The phone rang a minute later.

John said, “It still doesn’t feel right. Let’s try for tomorrow.”

“I told you — that’s not going to work.”

“Because of Evan?” His tone made it very clear what he thought of Evan, and I realized my mistake.

“No, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do, work, Ally, shopping.” I had to get off the phone fast. “I guess we’ll just have to arrange something for another time. Take care, John. Drive safe.” I hung up before he could say anything else. When I walked by Billy I shook my head — subtly, in case John was watching. As I climbed into the Cherokee a text came through on my cell. Billy: Meet us at the station.

Great. More coffee and more talking. At least they had a bathroom. On the way there, Evan called.

“Hi, you been trying to get hold of me?”

“Oh, Evan. You’re going to kill me.”

One of his heavy sighs. “What did you do now?”

“I didn’t want to tell you in a message, so I kept calling, but your stupid receptionist said you were—”

“Hey, freak show — calm down. What did you do?”

“I set up a meeting.”

“Jesus Christ, Sara! When?”

“It was supposed to be today, but—”

“Today? And you didn’t tell me?”

“I was trying to tell you, but you didn’t answer.”

“When is it?” He sounded scared. “I’ll drive down and—”

“It already happened, but—”

“What?”

“He didn’t show up. You were right, he’s just manipulating me.” I filled him in on everything. “But that’s it. I’m done now, Evan.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“No, this is really it. I’ll change our numbers again. Maybe we can move, or go stay at the lodge like you said. I can home-school Ally. Or maybe we should just sell the house. I don’t know, but I’m going to tell the police they can’t tap our phones anymore. I won’t watch the TV or read the papers—” “Slow down. I’ve got a big group here tonight, but I’ll drive down first thing and we can talk about this.”

“Are you sure?”

“We’ll figure it all out, okay? Just don’t make any decisions until I get home and don’t change anything—please.”

“Okay, okay.”

“I mean it. I don’t want to come home and find a for sale sign on the front lawn.”

“Okay. Now I have to go meet Sandy and Billy back at the station.” I groaned.

“Don’t let them manipulate you either.”

“Everyone’s manipulating me right now.”

“Come on, Sara — that’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry. This just sucks. I wish I didn’t have to meet them — I just want to go home.”

“Tell them to fuck off.”

“I have to talk to them, but they’re not going to like what I have to say.”

Evan was right about the cops, and so was I. As soon as we closed the door of the interview room Sandy said, “Next time I think we should—”

“There’s not going to be a next time.”

She steamrolled right over me. “We need to entice him with a stronger reason to come to the island. I think you should tell him you’ll let him meet Ally after all—”

“I’m not using my daughter as bait, Sandy.”

“She’s not actually going to be there, he just has to think she is.”

“No, it’s over. I want out. I’m changing my phone number today and I no longer authorize my landline to be tapped. And I want the tap off my cell.”

“We understand if you need a break,” Billy said. “This has—”

“I don’t need a break, I need it to end. I’ve risked my life, my child, and my relationship for nothing. Evan was right — John’s manipulating me, and you guys are just going to have to catch him on your own.” Sandy said, “And if he hurts another woman?”

“Then you should have caught him.” I glared at her.

She said, “If we remove all the listening devices, we won’t be able to protect you properly. What are you going to do if he comes after you or your family?”

“You told me before that you didn’t think I was in any danger from him.”

“I told you we can’t predict what he’ll do.”

“It’s interesting that when you wanted me to meet with him, you didn’t think I was in danger, but now that I don’t want to meet him, I am.”

Billy said, “We’re just saying we don’t know how he’ll handle being rejected by you. Last time it was an e-mail—”

“I’ll block his e-mails.”

They stared at me. I took a breath.

“Look, I thought if I agreed to a meeting it would end, but that’s not happening. My life is totally screwed up — I’m barely working, I’m fighting with Evan constantly, I’m not spending enough time with my daughter. The more I help you, the more screwed up it gets. I’m just going to go home and continue with my life like he doesn’t exist. That’s what I should’ve done a long time ago.” Billy said, “It sounds like your mind’s made up, and you have to do what’s right for you. But I think you should—”

I stood up. “Thanks for understanding.”

Sandy, who looked anything but understanding, shook her head and said, “I hope you can live with yourself when he finds his next victim.”

“I hope you can live with yourself. You’ve known about him for years and never stopped him. I’ve given you more leads than you ever got on your own.” Her face flushed as she rose to her feet with her fists clenched at her side.

I took a step back as she said, “You—”

Billy said, “Sandy?”

She spun on her heels and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Billy followed me out to the Cherokee. The adrenaline of the day was still pumping through my veins as I ranted and raved about Sandy.

“All right, killer,” he said when I wound down. “You going to be okay tonight? If you want, I can bring some Chinese over later and keep an eye on you and Ally?”

“That’s a really nice offer, Billy, but I think you’re right — I need a break from all of this.” I also knew how Evan reacted the last time Billy brought me food.

“Sure, but if you need me, you know the number.”

“Nine-one-one?”

He laughed, but hurt flashed in his eyes and I felt bad.

“Stay safe, kid.” He walked back to the station. Where Sandy was probably throwing darts at my photo.

So that’s the end of it. And I think I’ll end today’s appointment there as well. I’ve had enough talking for one day. I know, not something you usually hear me complain about. Remember the days when my biggest concern was my temper? Never thought I’d think of those as the good old days, but then I never thought I’d have a killer for a father — especially one who changes his mind as much as me.

You said I need to start asking myself what I want to do, not what’s right or wrong, or what anybody else thinks. And figuring out what I want means taking an objective look at what I feel and what the consequences of my decisions are. Like I want John out of my life and I’m afraid he’ll hurt someone. I want John caught and I’m terrified he’ll come after my family. Then you said I have to make a decision and stick with it. So that’s what I’m doing. Because I want my sanity back and I’m afraid it’s too late.