Never Tell

Chapter Forty-Nine

Ellie emerged from Tucker’s office to find Max sitting at her desk.

“Hey, you.”

“You got a second?”

She didn’t. Not really. But Rogan, overhearing, said, “I gotta get some stuff from the locker room. We can head out in ten.”

They walked together onto Twenty-first Street, neither of them speaking until they were away from the crowd of cops on a smoke break outside the precinct station house.

“Sorry to just show up at work like this.”

“You never have to apologize.”

“I did a lot of thinking last night.” She had called him to see if he was coming over. For the first time since they’d gotten together, he hadn’t returned her call. “I didn’t get any sleep. I’m totally exhausted. And I can’t do it again tonight.”

“Okay. What can I do?” He was really scaring her.

“I wanted to make sure I saw you in person. We need to talk. I was upset with you for having made a decision that affected both of us, but now I’ve made one, too.”

She knew it would come to this. It had been a week since they’d both realized they were picturing different futures together. They’d been pretending to have moved past the issue, but of course they hadn’t. How could they? “Please don’t do this, Max. Not like this.”

“Will you just listen?”

She knew somehow she would find a way to blow it. He was breaking up with her. On the sidewalk. At work. Before she had to get in a car with Rogan for a three-hour drive.

“I—can we just talk about it later?”

“Did you not hear me before? I left work because I couldn’t get anything done. I need to say this now.”

“Please—” She hated the pleading sound in her own voice.

“I love you, Ellie.”

“I love you, too.” Unlike his statement, hers didn’t have the sound of a “but” at the end.

“We can’t keep doing what we’re doing. One day at a time. Never knowing where we’re sleeping or when we’ll see each other. We’ve been dating a year and you’ve never even met my parents. Or my friends, for that matter.”

“I’ve met your friends,” she protested.

“No, you’ve run into a few of my friends at work. It’s not the same. We have a lot of fun, Ellie, and we talk shop really well together, but this isn’t a real relationship. I know we have the potential for more, but I need to know you’re going to be there.”

“Of course I’m here. And of course it’s real.” It was the most real relationship she’d ever had.

“I want us to live together.”

This was not what she was expecting. She felt a lump build in her throat from relief.

“We practically live together now.”

He shook his head. “No, we spend practically every night together. That’s not the same. I want us to share a home. To share a life. To plan around each other. To take vacations together.”

“When was the last time either of us had a vacation?”

He shared the brief smile. “Fine. I want us to plan a vacation that we’ll take five years from now. I want us to take each other into consideration, no matter what.”

“I consider you. I always have, ever since we met.”

“Will you please stop disagreeing with everything I say? Maybe I made a mistake wording it like I’m fixing a problem. My point is that I love you, I want us to be together, and I was so pumped to tell you that I bailed on a unit meeting so I could get up here and talk to you right now. Just say yes and I’ll leave here satisfied.”

She’d thought about living together. Of course she had. And on those previous occasions, she had run through all of the logistical questions: Where would they live? Was either of their apartments large enough to accommodate both of them? If they got a new place, how would they split the bills? Could she really bring herself to walk away from a rent-controlled apartment?

Max had obviously analyzed the same considerations. “We’ll get a bigger place. If we combine our rents, we could even get a two-bedroom. And Jess can sublet your apartment in the meantime—just in case.”

Jess had held his current job longer than any previous work, but he still wasn’t up to carrying a lease on his own. “Then I need to talk to him to see—”

“Those are all just details, Ellie. Say you want it to happen, and I’ll know it’s going to happen.” He pushed her hair back behind her ear and stroked her cheek. “You’re looking for reasons to say no.”

He had it wrong. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to unpack moving boxes with him and argue about how to arrange the furniture. She wanted to wake up with him every morning.

And it wasn’t the logistics of leases and square footage and rent control that kept her from leaping at the invitation, one she’d been hoping for at some level for months. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t ignore the real reason he was asking her for this now.

“Do you really think we should move in together when you know we ultimately are going to want different things? It’ll just make things that much harder on both of us down the road when you—”

“We don’t need to decide that now. It’s taking it to the next step. We’ll make bigger decisions later—together.”

She saw Rogan standing in front of the precinct, watching them, keys in hand.

“But I told you, that one big decision has already been made. You’re asking me to change.”

Ellie had lived with a boyfriend once. He had wanted her to change, too. He couldn’t understand why she had to keep working as a cop when he was offering her the life of an investment banker’s wife. When she realized she had to leave, she had nowhere to go. She was stuck under his roof, still sleeping in his bed, still sleeping with him, until one of Jess’s friends decided to move to Nashville and Ellie scored her apartment.

“You’ve told me before about every guy you’ve ever dated wanting you to change. I don’t want you ever to change, at least not for me, not for anyone but yourself. But I know you, Ellie. You may not believe me, but I know there’s room for evolution in your life. That is not the same as asking you to change. I’m asking you to make room for some flexibility. To let yourself not make final decisions. To make room for another person in your life. To open up your mind to the possibility that life is a constant process of getting to know yourself, and that sometimes you get to know yourself better when you’re not so alone.”

She’d heard him say all this that first night, when they were fighting. Not everything was black-and-white. Maybe so, but most things were.

Rogan was staring at his shoes now, jiggling the keys.

“Damn it. Rogan’s waiting. We’ve got to find Adrienne Langston.”

“You can’t say yes before you leave?”

“Not like that, Max. I want to, but I want it to be real. I want us both to feel right about it.”

“Okay, I get it. The offer still stands.”

“We’ll figure it out, okay? I promise. I love you.”

He nodded, but didn’t respond as she turned to walk away.