North by Northanger

Thirty

I am once more with child.

My sentiments upon realizing my state have been jumbled. I never thought to carry a child again, did not believe I would ever feel another life quicken in my womb. The fear of losing this baby, as I have so many others, nearly paralyzes me. Yet it is only through risk that we can reap reward, and it would be a precious gift indeed to love another son or daughter as I adore my darling Fitzwilliam.

I told George last night. He was quiet as he heard the news. I could see in his dear face that the expectation of another child brought him happiness, but that he hesitated to express it without first ascertaining my feelings. I confessed that I have reread his letter so often I have committed it to memory, and that I desperately want to trust once again the words that brought us together. He held me tightly and we talked long into the night, voiced many things too long left unsaid. He believes this child is meant to be, and in his embrace, I believe it, too.

Even so, I cannot escape the apprehension that my heart will again be shattered. My thoughts stray to my own mother and the treasure she bequeathed to me. I remember her placing the ivory in my hands, and telling me, as I unwrapped the statuette, that the Madonna enfolded mother and child in a mantle of protection. I regret ever having relinquished it to Catherine. My sister does not know what she possesses. She cannot comprehend the true worth of what lies within the small casket...

I have written to Catherine again. I have given up battling her for ownership of our mother’s treasure and ask only for its loan...

Catherine has agreed to lend me the ivory! She still claims it as her own, and insists upon its surrender after the birth. Very well. Once this child is born, she may keep the statuette for herself. Our Mother’s legacy, I will retain...

George journeyed to Kent to bear the treasure safely home — I would entrust its transport to no one else. A peace I have not known for a decade suffused me as I opened the lid and saw the aged statuette enfolded in its old, tattered wrap. To repay my sister’s kindness, I shall return the ivory in a new velvet cover, one better suited to her sensibilities...

Catherine comes to visit. God forgive me for thinking so ill of my sister, but I worry that she has changed her mind about our mother’s treasure and will try to take it back before I have done with it. I have moved the casket out of the house entirely, to a place she would never think to look should the whim seize her. I doubt anyone else would stumble upon it either, but in the event, I have taken the precaution of putting a lock on the casket. I felt somewhat impious, locking away the Madonna and Child, but I think Madame Eglentyne would approve...

Catherine has left; the treasure remains safe. And so do the child and I.

Elizabeth closed the journal but did not set it aside. She absently held it against her chest, her thoughts occupied by its author.

Lady Anne had awaited Georgiana’s birth with optimism. George had restored her faith in their bond, and the ivory had done the rest.

The blessed figurine had removed Anne’s self-doubt. And when it disappeared, Anne had somehow known that she would never have an opportunity to reclaim it herself. So she had reached out to someone she would never meet, but whom she hoped would understand the value of her treasure.

Elizabeth understood.

She too yearned for assurance that all was and would remain well as she embarked on this journey of motherhood. The changes in her body, the growing child’s toll on her own physical strength, uncertainty about the impending birth and how she would adjust to motherhood afterward... all conspired to assail her confidence. She had never felt so vulnerable in her life.

Lady Anne had faced this trial many times before her, had known the doubts a woman carries in her heart as she carries a child under it. In her own last hours, she had hoped to spare her daughter-in-law some of that anxiety. She had urged Elizabeth to find her missing treasure.

Find it she would. For them both.