One Hundred Names

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Most of ‘the names’ had gathered at the back of the bus to hear Jedrek and Achar speak about their record attempt.

‘It is a two-man one-hundred-metre pedalo dash,’ Jedrek explained seriously. ‘The current world record is one minute fifty-eight point six two seconds. We can do it in one minute fifty.’

They received many pats on the back for that.

‘You’re going to attempt the record in Cork?’ Eva asked.

‘Our desire was always to do this with our families as witnesses,’ Jedrek said a little sadly. ‘They have been with us for the entire journey, for them not to be here…’

Achar stepped in, more enthusiastic. ‘Unfortunately they could not come with us on this trip but the reason we are with you now is because we know of an adjudicator who will be here in Cork. If we can convince him to come to view our record attempt we can be officially accepted into Guinness World Records.’

‘Though we do not need a judge to make a record attempt,’ Jedrek was quick to jump in.

‘No,’ Achar conceded, ‘but their presence is the only way we can immediately know our record attempt has been successful. If you want instant approval of your record, to boost the status and news appeal, then the adjudicator is the way to go. They can give you the official presentation of a framed Guinness World Records Certificate. We enquired into getting an adjudicator but it costs five thousand euro to fly one over for the event. We learned that there is an adjudicator in Cork today at a corporate event. If we can convince him to witness our attempt then we will have instant confirmation.’

‘Yes, but it is not compulsory to have a judge at the event,’ Jedrek said again. ‘I just do not want you to get your hopes up for no reason.’

‘What is wrong with getting my hopes up? It seems it is you who has no hope at all already,’ Achar said.

They argued this in front of the others until Archie spoke up. ‘But it’s worth a try, fellas, isn’t it? And if you can’t get the judge? You can do it for all of us as witnesses.’

‘I’ll film it on my iPhone so you can have video footage of you completing the challenge,’ Sam offered.

‘And I’ll be taking plenty of photos,’ Steve added. ‘And it will be backed up by the presence of a journalist who is going to write about it.’

Jedrek, ever the sentimental one, seemed moved by their kind words of encouragement, though he remained cynical over the possibility of acquiring the adjudicator.

While Steve was talking to Eugene about butterflies and how best to grow butterfly-friendly flowers in his allotment, Kitty sat in the seat next to Ambrose.

‘The devil’s-bit scabious will grow in damp and dry situations, the Ragged Robin, primroses, violets, the common dandelion…’ Eugene listed off as Steve nodded his head but didn’t say a word.

‘I really appreciate you coming today,’ Kitty said gently. ‘I know it’s not… easy for you.’ Kitty had meant it in a kind way but it seemed to anger Ambrose.

‘Because of my face,’ Ambrose snapped, turning to Kitty and fixing her with that angry green eye. ‘I know about the conversation you had with Eugene. He shouldn’t have told you what he told you.’

Kitty had to cast her mind back to figure out what she shouldn’t know but she instantly guessed it was the surgery Ambrose was saving for to have the birthmark removed. Eugene had told Kitty that all of Ambrose’s savings were going towards multiple laser surgeries, which would be needed to remove what they called a disfiguring birthmark, though Kitty thought the opposite was true: if anything it did not mar her beauty in any way but added to it; she was like some exotic-looking butterfly that she had framed on her walls. But she doubted Ambrose would believe her if she told her this.

‘We weren’t talking about you in the way in which I think you think we were,’ Kitty said slowly.

Ambrose frowned, confused. ‘Yes, I’m sure you weren’t having a laugh at my expense, or discussing poor Ambrose’s disgusting face. I don’t want you writing about it. I don’t want any mention of my appearance in the article.’

‘The article is about you, Ambrose. If I can’t write about you, I can’t write the article.’

‘Well then, we might as well pull the bus over here because I will not give you permission to mock me in public.’

‘Why do you think I’m planning to mock you? On the contrary. If you must know, and I think you must, the only reason Eugene told me about the laser surgery is because he doesn’t want you to have it done.’ Kitty knew she was speaking out of turn but felt it would be harmless to smooth over the obvious misunderstanding between her and Ambrose, and obviously between Eugene and Ambrose. Ambrose couldn’t see how he felt about her.

‘What?’

‘He was comparing you to the butterflies that you both adore and cherish, and he said you were special for all the same reasons: you were rare, exotic and entirely you. He said he thinks you’re beautiful exactly the way you are now. That’s the only reason we were talking about you, I promise,’ Kitty said.

Ambrose’s mouth opened and closed as she tried to process the information. She wanted to be angry, Kitty could tell – any discussion or comment on her appearance immediately made her so – but for once, this didn’t. She eventually closed her mouth and Kitty saw the hint of a small smile.

Kitty had wanted to use this journey to do as she’d promised Gaby, by getting to know Eva better, but quickly after they’d left Dublin, Eva was seated beside Birdie and the two were deeply engrossed in conversation. Edward was sitting in the tour guide’s chair beside Molly and they were arguing about the route to take to Cork to best encompass everyone’s destination. After the city, they could make it to Birdie’s hometown of Nadd by the afternoon, and Eva’s wedding was tomorrow. Kitty had it all planned out, but it was this that caused her to worry: things never went according to plan. Kitty desperately wanted to get in on Birdie and Eva’s conversation but she couldn’t. Instead, Mary-Rose made her way from the back of the bus to where Kitty was indecisively hovering.

‘Kitty, do you mind if we have a word?’ She seemed anxious and so they sat in a row of two vacant seats where Kitty could still hear Steve being lectured by Eugene on how better to help conserve butterflies on his father’s land.

‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yes, everything’s great. Everyone is so polite and very welcoming. It’s lovely to hear their stories, but, em, I’m not really sure why I’m here. You see, everyone has a purpose, they’re all going somewhere or doing something. I really have no idea why I’m here.’

‘I just wanted you to meet everybody. You’re all part of the same reason I met you all. Please don’t feel like you need to do something.’

‘But I feel so useless.’

Suddenly Kitty had an idea. ‘Did you bring your kit with you?’

‘I bring it everywhere,’ she laughed.

‘How about making the birthday girl look pretty for her big day?’

Mary-Rose’s eyes lit up, delighted to be able to do something, and having Birdie distracted by her makeover would also give Kitty an opportunity to speak to Eva.

‘Anyway, you never know, this whole experience might inspire another proposal,’ Kitty joked.

Mary-Rose’s face darkened. ‘Oh, I’m not sure about that.’

Kitty picked up on her mood. ‘Are he and Aoife serious?’

Mary-Rose swallowed. ‘Yeah, I think so, I don’t know, we haven’t really spoken about… her.’

There was a silence.

‘What about your friend?’ Mary-Rose asked, nodding at Steve.

‘What about him?’ Kitty immediately felt uncomfortable, irritated, even. Did Mary-Rose have a crush on Steve? That couldn’t be allowed, surely? Mary-Rose was at least ten years younger than he, better-looking, youthful… she couldn’t possibly be interested in Steve.

‘Does he have a girlfriend?’

‘Oh, yes,’ Kitty said over-enthusiastically. ‘For quite a while now. They’re crazy about each other,’ she said, not knowing if this was true exactly but feeling ill inside at the thought of Mary-Rose with Steve. What on earth was wrong with her?

‘Oh, that’s a pity,’ Mary-Rose said, crestfallen, and Kitty was secretly relieved. ‘I really thought you two would be perfect together.’

This surprised Kitty so much that she didn’t know what to say. It went unnoticed, though, as Mary-Rose approached Birdie and asked the birthday girl if she was ready for her makeover. There was a girly whoop and Regina even moved away from Archie to watch it take place.

Kitty got lost in her head imagining the possibilities of her and Steve together, picturing them together, how it could be, even recalling the one clumsy drunken time they’d shared a bed in college, and Kitty’s heart began thumping and her stomach fluttered. She couldn’t possibly…

‘Well, I escaped that little lecture, thanks for the introduction,’ Steve said slipping in beside her. ‘If I ever need to know anything more about butterflies be sure to shoot me,’ he whispered conspiratorially, close to her ear. Shivers ran through her body at the closeness of his breath. ‘What’s wrong with you?’ he asked then. ‘Your face is all red.’

Kitty’s mouth opened and shut like a codfish until the bus suddenly swerved and got everybody’s attention. The rendition of a Polish song ended swiftly from the back.

‘Left! I said left!’ Edward raised his voice. ‘Are you trying to kill us?’

‘No, just you, college boy,’ Molly growled.

‘Everything okay there?’ Eva asked as Mary-Rose wiped the long line of lipstick that had run along Birdie’s cheek as the bus swerved.

‘Yep, fine thanks. Head Smurf here has got it all figured out,’ Edward said.

Kitty caught Birdie once again smiling with glee as her nurse and her grandson battled for power.

Kitty was torn when it came to their arrival in Cork. The only way they could stay on schedule was by splitting up. While Ambrose and Eugene went to the butterfly symposium at Cork University, Achar and Jedrek went to Cork English Market where the Irish food board, Bord Bia, had arranged a corporate adjudicator from Guinness World Records to recognise the largest number of people dressed as eggs ever to gather in the same place. This was part of a scheme to promote the local organic egg farmers. Kitty knew that she needed to be at both events, and that Steve needed to be too, and so she quickly hopped off the bus on a mission to push her way through the people dressed as eggs, their faces popping out of holes in the egg costumes, their legs in gold spandex leggings, to find the adjudicator. Jedrek and Achar were searching just as anxiously.

‘Do you see him?’ Achar asked, his head darting around.

‘What does he look like?’ Sam asked.

When an egg became unbalanced and bumped against Mary-Rose, Sam immediately reached out to steady and protect her.

‘Not like that anyway, I hope,’ Jedrek said, and they laughed.

Birdie linked Edward’s arm and looked around with delight, and despite Molly’s declaration of not being able to get far enough away from the college boy, she stayed close. They all decided to split up in search of the judge, unsure if the egg record attempt had officially been logged yet.

‘Look, Jedrek,’ Achar said, surveying the scene. ‘This is what we need.’

Local media, crowd support and an official adjudicator, it was all Achar had dreamed of for their event.

‘Yes, Achar, but there is no water,’ Jedrek poured cold water over Achar’s dreams.

‘I found him!’ Eva called, and Kitty followed Eva’s voice to a bewildered-looking black-suited man who was surrounded by Kitty’s odd bunch of people.

Jedrek and Achar pushed through the crowd, looking like they’d found the Holy Grail when their eyes fell upon the adjudicator. Jedrek walked towards him, hand extended the entire way. The adjudicator looked at Kitty’s gang, who had circled him, back to Jedrek’s hand as if this was some kind of joke, then finally he shook his hand, sensing the seriousness.

‘Mr Adjudicator,’ Jedrek addressed him as though he were royalty, holding his hands up and looking him up and down as though greatness were in this very market. ‘We have travelled a long way to see you today, myself and my friends.’

The judge looked at the group.

‘Well, hello,’ he said unsurely. ‘I’m James.’

‘James!’ Jedrek announced as if that was fascinating. ‘My name is Jedrek Vysotski and this is my friend Achar Singh. This, James, is Kitty Logan, the great journalistic reporter who we are blessed with writing our story.’ Kitty nodded enthusiastically and James said another awkward hello.

‘James,’ a man behind him interrupted, ‘we’re about to get things started here.’

‘Okay, just a minute,’ James said pleasantly, turning back to Jedrek, intrigued.

‘We, Achar and I, are going to make the great record attempt to be the fastest two men in a pedalo for a distance of one hundred metres. The current record is one minute fifty-eight point six two seconds and Achar and I can do it in one minute fifty. This is going to happen, James. In Cork. And we would like to invite you to be our adjudicator.’

This time an egg interrupted. ‘We’re ready now, James.’

‘Okay, just a second,’ he said, a little panicked.

‘We will not let you down, James,’ Achar pushed.

Jedrek placed a gentle hand on his friend’s shoulder. ‘Let the man speak.’

‘Thank you,’ James said, sweat breaking out on his brow. ‘I’m afraid I can’t come to your event, as delightful as it sounds.’ He spoke in an English accent. ‘But according to the rules you must have registered your details with Guinness World Records already.’

‘Yes we have, we have,’ Jedrek said enthusiastically.

‘And what did they say?’

‘They told us the cost of adjudication and we could not possibly afford that,’ Achar said immediately, to Jedrek’s annoyance. ‘That is why we have sought you out here. We have come to you, to save you having to come to us,’ he said as if they were doing James a big favour.

‘I’m sorry, gentlemen, I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that,’ he began.

‘They’ve been training for months,’ Archie interrupted. ‘Surely you could just turn up and watch them.’ Archie’s tactics weren’t as gentle as the others’ and it sounded a little threatening.

Eva sensed this and joined in. ‘We’ll be at Kinsale Pier tomorrow, at 2 p.m., all you have to do is come and watch them, witness it for yourself and then they can do the rest of the work. What do you think?’

‘I have a flight back to London in the morning…’

‘Change it,’ Sam said.

‘I’ll cover the cost of your flight,’ Kitty butted in. ‘They really deserve to be seen by you,’ she urged.

‘They’ve a jolly good spirit,’ Regina added from somewhere outside of the circle. ‘We believe they can do it.’

‘I’ll pay your fee,’ Birdie said suddenly, and everybody looked at her in shock.

‘No, no,’ Achar and Jedrek protested. ‘It is too much. We cannot allow you to pay.’

‘After today I can pay whatever I want,’ Birdie smiled mischievously, then looked at the adjudicator. ‘Name your price and I will pay you,’ she said, chin high.

‘It’s not about the fee,’ he said starting to break out in a sweat. ‘It’s about the protocol. Your record attempt must be cleared in advance so that I can have the certificate ready to present to you-’

‘You can send us the certificate when it’s ready,’ Achar interrupted. ‘You don’t have to give it to us tomorrow.’

Suddenly everybody started talking at him, trying in their own way to convince him, but he couldn’t possibly make out everybody’s pleas and instead they all bled into one. He held his hands up in defence.

‘I’m very sorry, I can’t,’ he apologised sincerely. ‘But I wish you the best of luck with your attempt tomorrow.’

There was a silence, an awkward one, and it was obvious he felt awful.

‘Kinsale Pier, 2 p.m. tomorrow,’ Kitty said firmly. ‘Please come.’

And he was finally dragged away to the small stage where he prepared to present the certificate for most people dressed as eggs in one area. As everybody gathered to face the podium, Kitty and her crew pushed in the opposite direction, making their way back to the bus, their spirits crushed.

Across the city, Kitty and Steve arrived just in time, breathless, sweating and dizzy, to hear Ambrose’s name announced in a lecture theatre to speak about her much-anticipated report. Five hundred applauded. But there was no sign of her. People looked around, the speaker looked behind him, confused.

Kitty saw Eugene stand up from the front row and make his way backstage. He returned and climbed onto the stage and had a word in the speaker’s ear.

Kitty’s heart fell. ‘Oh, no,’ she whispered, and to her surprise felt tears welling in her eyes.

Steve, the man who hated personal contact, put his arm around her shoulder and gave her a squeeze.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we’ll be a further two minutes, if you wouldn’t mind bearing with me.’

People relaxed a little and fell into conversation with each other. Five minutes passed and the speaker was looking uncomfortable.

‘Should I go back there?’ Kitty asked Steve, worriedly. Just as she stood to make her way towards the stage, the speaker looked behind him and nodded.

‘And I believe we are ready to go now. So once again, speaking on one of our most beautiful butterflies, the Peacock, known to most of you as Inachis io, our treasured member of Butterfly Conservation, Ambrose Nolan.’ There was polite applause.

Ambrose, her hair down in front of her face, head down, made her way to the podium.

She stood up and cleared her throat, which reverberated around the room loudly through the microphone.

‘My apologies for the delay. My partner told me to tell you I was very much like the Aglais urticae, most commonly known as the Small Tortoiseshell, which is fast, vigilant, but extremely wary and difficult to approach closely.’

Everyone laughed at the inside butterfly joke, and the atmosphere became much more relaxed. Ambrose looked up, saw Kitty, and took a deep breath. And then she began to talk.