One Was a Soldier

– The Burial of the Dead: Rite One, The Book of Common Prayer

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1

“He who raised Jesus Christ from the dead will also give new life to our mortal bodies through his indwelling Spirit. My heart, therefore, is glad, and my spirit rejoices; my body also shall rest in hope. You will show me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy, and in your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” The Reverend Clare Fergusson closed her prayer book and let the quiet spread. The sun, warm and bright as butterscotch, slanted across the graveyard, splashing over the markers of Ethan Stoner’s forebears. Overhead, a V of geese split the flawless blue sky, silent, except for the thrumming of their wings. It seemed right, Sarah Dowling thought, for a country boy.

Fergusson nodded to the honor guard. The four marines fell in to their places. Two stepped to the ends of the coffin and grasped the flag. A tug, a snap, and they folded it, tightly, precisely, until it was transformed into a perfect triangle of blue field and white stars.

They turned on their heels. One step, two. They drew up and saluted. The white gloves of the guard flashed in the sunlight. One marine held the flag out.

Christy Stoner looked at her mother-in-law, standing behind her. Mindy Stoner placed her hands on the young woman’s shoulders and said something in her ear. Christy accepted the flag. “Thank you,” she said to the marine. She held it by its edges, looking, in her black dress and heels, like a little girl dressed up as Jackie Kennedy.

The honor guard fell back ten paces and presented arms. When the first volley rang out, the baby, in the care of some family friend, began to wail. The widow handed the flag to her mother-in-law and reached for her boy, clutching him close, kissing and soothing him.

Ethan Stoner’s mother watched them, hugging the lifeless flag to her chest, and in her face was a grief so profound Sarah knew she would never reach the bottom of it.

Taps was played by a black-suited high schooler. Too many funerals, Fergusson had told Sarah. Not enough military musicians to go around. When the salute ended, Fergusson doubled over, as if she were bowing to the casket. Sarah was shocked to see her rise with a fistful of dirt. She held it over the now-bare coffin. “In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to almighty God our brother Ethan.” She opened her hand, and the dirt spattered across the satin wood. The bald assertion of what was going to happen to the dead man’s body was a jarring contrast to the promises of life. Fergusson said something Sarah couldn’t make out, and several of the family came forward and did the same thing, stooping and then scattering earth on the casket. “Earth to earth,” Fergusson said, “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

Sarah turned her head to see how the other mourners were taking the primitive ritual. She spotted Trip Stillman and a couple she recognized as the Ellises standing beside Will. The doctor’s dress greens and Will’s marine uniform stood out against the black and navy all around them.

“The Lord bless him and keep him; the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious to him,” Fergusson said.

Another flash of green caught Sarah’s eye, and she watched as Eric McCrea made his way through the crowd toward the rest of the group. So. She had been right to come. When she had heard about the young marine’s funeral-it was all they were talking about at the IGA-she knew, without a doubt, that her group would be here today. She thought of Tally McNabb, who lay just a hundred yards away, her grave as raw as the wound on Sarah’s conscience.

All of her group would be here today.

“The Lord lift up his countenance upon him, and give him peace. Amen.”

The mourners murmured their amens.

Fergusson dismissed them, and the crowd began to shift and split, some people departing for the line of cars parked on the access road, others huddling together to talk. The older Ellises said something to Will and headed over to where the Stoners were surrounded by well-wishers.

Sarah walked over to join her people. “So. Tell me how each of you knows Ethan Stoner.”

“Broken ulna in seventh grade,” Stillman said. “Plus I’ve set Wayne Stoner’s metatarsals twice after his cows stepped on his foot.”

“He was in my brother’s class in high school,” Will said.

“I picked him up a couple times for disorderly behavior.” Eric looked back at their stares. “What? He was a wild kid before he straightened out and joined the marines. He did a year’s community service for pulling a shotgun on the chief.”

Eric thumbed toward the Stoners. Chief Van Alstyne was standing close by the bereaved father, one hand gripping his shoulder tightly. Stoner nodded at whatever it was the chief said; then they embraced in the half-hug of two fifty-something straight men uncomfortable with expressing emotion.

“Did someone forget to tell me we were having a meeting?” Clare Fergusson joined them, looking like an extra in a historical movie in her long white robe and ankle-length black cape.

Stillman nodded to her. “That was a beautiful service, Reverend.”

“You usually call me Clare now.”

“I do?” He frowned. “Thanks.”

Sarah looked at the priest. “How are you doing, Clare?”

“Okay. I’ve got an appointment with an addiction counselor tomorrow. My husband”-at the words, her face lit up and she smiled an involuntary smile-“is helping me keep things under control.”

“Enjoying marriage, are you?”

“It’s wonderful.” Fergusson glanced over her shoulder to watch her husband walk toward her. “I recommend it for everyone.”

McCrea twisted the ring on his finger. “Any progress on that front?” Sarah asked him quietly.

“No.”

He didn’t say another word. Sarah couldn’t tell if that was because things with his wife felt hopeless or because his boss was within earshot.

“Hi,” Chief Van Alstyne said. He stood shoulder to shoulder with Fergusson. In his fitted dress jacket with its golden braids, he looked like a palace guardsman keeping watch over a particularly somber princess. “Hell of a thing.”

Everyone nodded.

“I talked to him before he left for California for sniper training. Ethan, I mean. Told him to come back safe to us.” He smiled a little. “Back in the day, Chief Liddle said the same thing to me, before I shipped out to Vietnam. And here I was, a lifetime later, wearing Chief Liddle’s badge, and I remember wondering if Ethan-” His voice cracked. Fergusson took his hand and laced her fingers through his.

What a waste. Sarah could hear it in the air between them. Of course, no one could say it. The war dead are heroes. Their lives can’t be counted as wasted.

“So,” she said. “How do you all feel now? Here, today?”

They all looked toward the family in black. The girl and her orphaned baby. The mother’s ravaged face. The coffin, waiting in front of the delicately concealed mound of soil. There was a long silence.

Finally, Will Ellis said, “Lucky.”

Clare Fergusson laid her hand on his shoulder. “Yes,” she said. “Lucky.”

The answering machine was blinking when they got home to the rectory. Clare cast a glance at it on her way through the kitchen. “Oh, God. That better not be a pastoral emergency. I don’t think I’ve got anything left to give today.” She headed for the stairs. “I’m going to change out of my clericals. Can you see who it is?”

Russ wrestled out of his close-fitting dress uniform jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair. He punched the button while loosening his tie.

“Hello, Ms. Fergusson, this is the Washington County Hospital Outpatient Clinic, calling about your blood test. I’m sorry about the delay-we’re usually much more prompt than this, but Doctor Stillman’s sudden retirement caused a bit of confusion over here. In any case, could you please call as soon as you get this? I have important information for you and your primary care physician.”

Russ jotted down the number while his insides congealed into a frozen lump. That test was supposed to have been for Trip Stillman only, to determine whether he would write Clare another prescription for sleeping pills and Dexedrine.

“If it’s my mother, you can call her back and tell her I’m writing the thank-you notes as fast as I can.” She wandered into the kitchen in jeans and an old sweater. His wife.

His wife.

“Did you go ahead and ask Trip for another prescription?”

She glared at him, then settled. “No. I didn’t. I ran out of sleeping pills two days ago, and I’m almost out of the uppers.” She wrapped her arms around him. “I’m serious about kicking them, Russ. If I’m tempted to cheat, I’ll tell you.”

“You need to call the blood clinic. Now.” He pushed her away and gave her the slip of paper.

She frowned as she read the number. “Why?”

“They called you. I don’t know why. Just get back to them. Please.” He walked into the living room while she dialed. Maybe she didn’t think about cancer, but he did. He paced from the sofa to the desk to the teetering pile of gift boxes beneath the front window. Maybe she was happy to ignore the connection between her sister’s cancer and her own increased risk of the disease, but he wasn’t. He unhooked his parka from the coat tree and rehung it on a different dowel. They hadn’t even had time to move the rest of his stuff into the rectory. He wished he believed in God. It would be nice to have somebody to bargain with. Let her be okay and I’ll- what? What did people offer an almighty being, anyway?

He forced himself to go back into the kitchen. Clare was standing with her back to him. She was very still. “Are you sure?”

He stopped in his tracks.

“Yes,” she said. “Yes, I will.” She paused. “No, but I can get a recommendation from my GP.” She paused again. “Thank you.” She hung up the phone. She didn’t face him.

“What?” His voice came out more harshly than he intended. “For God’s sake, just tell me.”

She turned around. Bit her lower lip. “It’s a good thing I was planning to quit the pills and booze.” She started to laugh, a loose, helpless laugh that was very close to crying. She held out her hands.

He took them. “I’m holding on.”

“Don’t let go.” She took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”