Onion Songs

SHOPLIFTER

An old man leaves a large downtown department store with an enormous lump under his coat.

Stop, thief! cries the store manager rushing up behind him and grabbing his elbow.

Remove your hand, the old man tells him, it’s only a large, malignant tumor I have.

The store manager opens the man’s coat and removes the refrigerator there, carrying it back into the store on his back.

An old man leaves a large downtown department store with an even larger lump under his coat.

Stop, thief! cries the store manager as he rams his head into the old man’s back.

Why, it’s only a committee of concerned citizens I have here, the old man says, nothing more.

The store manager opens the coat and pushes the down escalator back into his store.

An old man leaves a large downtown department store with an enormous black shadow almost hiding him.

Stop, thief! Will you never learn? cries the store manager as he leaps on the old man’s head.

It’s merely a cemetery, you funny little man, replies the old man.

Whereupon the store manager rips open the coat, revealing the hundreds of faces of his best customers, all staring out, sightless, their skin pale, lips cracked.

And their torn hands and arms pulling the store manager in…