Perfectly Preventable Deaths

5 Juniper

When Mam was pregnant with the two of us, we were nestled so close together in her womb that for a while the doctor thought that we might be conjoined. I’m glad we weren’t. Catlin would probably make me do all the hard jobs. Tweezing eyebrows. Hoovering and such. And I’d have to sit around closing my eyes while she kissed all the boys. All of them. Including Lon. The only item on her Ballyfrann to-do list.

That would be more punishment than fun. I would not like to be so close to that side of her life. The messiness of lust and indecision. In fairness, though, Lon might be in for a world of hurt. She’s made more than one boy cry. Once through an entire hurling match, during which he scored several times. Which only made him sob harder. ‘Because I knew I’d never score Catlin again.’ I imagine Lon’s perfect face crumpled up with sorrow. I don’t know what that would even look like. When I picture Lon in my head, his face is expressionless.

Our first week in school has passed without any major incidents. We haven’t set anything on fire, or made any enemies. Or friends. The Ballyfrann kids are grand, but it’s hard to spend time with them when Catlin keeps taking increasingly long smoke breaks to flirt with Lon.

‘He’s easier than they are, Mad,’ she tells me, as I awkwardly hang out beside her.

‘I get it, Catlin,’ I say, leaning against a sycamore tree, feeling the mulch of leaf under my boots. ‘But it’s not easier for me.’

‘I’m not stopping you from hanging out with them.’

Only we both know that she kind of is. I’m fairly independent in a lot of ways, but new groups of people isn’t one of them. And it’s hard to say it out loud, because it shouldn’t have to be said, but as I open my mouth to try, there he is.

Lon fecking Delacroix.

‘Catalina!’ he exclaims. ‘Fancy meeting you here.’

Catlin exhales a long thin curl of smoke.

‘Lon,’ she says, with a smile.

It’s not her real smile. It is her smile for boys.

‘Maddy,’ Lon says, with more warmth than he should be allowed to feel for me. He should not be the person who is soundest to us here. I know it’s for Catlin, so it’s something like a lie, but it’s annoying.

‘Hi, Lon,’ I say, taking out my phone and scrolling through pictures of our old life in Cork while playing a mournful power ballad in my head.

‘That’s a nice phone, Madeline,’ Lon says, completely ignoring my ignoring. ‘Mind if I take a look at it?’

I look at Catlin.

Catlin looks at me.

I look at my phone.

Sadly, like a child relinquishing the last Haribo in the pack to a mean auntie, I pass it over.

‘What’s the PIN?’ he asks.

And Catlin tells him.

Urrgh.

He scrolls around for a bit, in silence. The screen glares at him like it was me.

‘Ha!’ he says, and hands it back to me with a flourish. ‘I took the liberty of sending myself your numbers, ladies.’ He grins. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’

‘Actually …’ I begin, but Catlin stops me.

‘Bit desperate of you, to be honest,’ she says. ‘Come on, Maddy, we better get back to class.’

‘See you tomorrow?’ Lon asks.

‘No school tomorrow, Lon,’ I remind him.

We walk away and don’t look back.

As we turn into the building, Catlin squeaks at me, ‘I can’t believe he took our numbers!!’ Her tone of voice has changed to something like glee.

‘I know,’ I say. ‘It’s a bit much.’

‘No, it isn’t. It was suave.’

‘Suave is such a disgusting word. Suave.’ I make a face like I’ve vomited a bit in my mouth.

‘There’s nothing wrong with the word suave. And there’s nothing wrong with a boy being interested in us.’

‘In you,’ I correct her.

‘Well, in fairness, I’m the one who talks back, Maddy.’

‘I’m not jealous. Like, I don’t talk to him because I don’t like him that much.’

‘Then stay with Charley and them at lunch.’

I make the vomit-in-my-mouth face again. But this time it is sad pretend vomit. The vomit of my own limitations. The vomit that holds me back when all I want is to be a normal human who can hold conversations and make friends.

When we go back into class, the first thing my twin does is check her phone.

I pay attention, take notes and try not to worry about things that mightn’t happen. Focus on the things I understand.