Phule Me Twice

Chapter 16

Journal #600

My employer had thought that getting inside the Legion camp would put him in position to untangle all his remaining problems. He would find the robot and reprogram it verbally to act as liaison to the Nanoids, then take its place-his own proper place-as a Legion officer. From there, he could present his solution to the Zenobians' problems and possibly use the prestige of that accomplishment to regain command of his company. It would take some politicking and an end run around the Legion brass, but with patience-and the liberal use of a Dilithium Express card-it ought to be possible.

Little did he realize just how fast events were already moving.

"Where you want to go now, Captain Clown?" Flight Leftenant Qual asked in a reptilian whisper. Once inside the Legion camp's perimeter, the group had taken cover behind Chocolate Harry's supply depot, a Legion-issue prefabricated metal shed across the compound from the MBC where most of the company were undoubtedly sleeping.

"I'm not sure," said Phule. Then, after a pause, he said, "I should probably try to find the robot so I can reprogram it and take its place. Does anybody have any idea where it's quartered?"

"Officer's quarters, I'd think," said Sushi, peering around a corner of the shed. "You don't want to go there. You're likely to run into the major."

"That's no problem," said Phule. "He'll just think I'm the robot. No, he doesn't know about the robot, does he?"

"None of us knew about the robot until you told us," said Sushi. He chuckled. "I know a few people who're going to feel pretty weird when they find out it wasn't really you they were talking to. I heard a couple of funny stories before I left-"

"Shhh! Something's happening," said Brick, who'd been keeping lookout for the party.

"What?" said Phule, instantly alert. But the answer came not from Brick but from the MBC, where a Klaxon began to blow. The legionnaires looked at one another. That signal had been drummed into their nerves by drill after drill. It was the battle stations alarm. Either it was an extremely ill-timed drill, or someone thought the camp was under attack!

"What do we do, Captain?" asked Sushi. Already, armed legionnaires were beginning to emerge from the MBC, headed for their assigned places.

Phule didn't miss a beat. "You know what you're supposed to do, all of you. You've all got your equipment. Now get to your battle stations and be ready for action."

"But...we just snuck into the camp," said Brick. "They must have us all listed as AWOL."

"They aren't going to argue with you as long as you're where you're supposed to be," said Phule. "Go ahead, it's the one place nobody'll pay any attention to you."

"He's right," said Sushi, giving Brick a shove. "If we stay here, we'll stick out like half a dozen sore thumbs. Come on, everybody head for your stations. Captain, you know where to find us when you need us."

"Right," said Phule. "Now, hurry up before somebody notices we didn't all come from the same place as everybody else."

The legionnaires didn't argue. The group split up as they each headed toward their assigned place. But Flight Leftenant Qual had no assigned place. He watched the others for a moment, then turned and said to Phule, "This is very good, but where does Captain Clown go?"

"First thing I have to do is let Beeker know what's up so he can get under cover," said Phule. "If the camp's on alert, somebody's likely to pick up the hoverjeep on the sensors and assume he's a hostile. I'm sure Beek can talk his way out of almost any kind of trouble, but I have a hunch he'd be willing to forgo the added excitement of people shooting at him while he's doing it."

"Yes, that would be congruent," said Qual. "What might I do to assist you?"

"Maybe you can find out where my robot duplicate is," said Phule. "I ought to reprogram it before anybody figures out there are two of me. And if you can keep the new CO off my back, that'll be even better."

"I do not think he will get on your back," said Qual with his reptilian grin. "But in case he attempts it, I will repel him."

"Good man," said Phule absently, and he began trotting toward the MBC. He hadn't decided exactly what course of action to take, but he knew things would begin falling into place before long. They always did. For now, he just headed for the one place where, unless he was very unlucky, nobody should bother him until he was ready.

Jennie Higgins had not slept well. It wasn't like her. She'd slept in rougher accommodations on a dozen worlds, out on assignment. It wasn't even that uncomfortable; hot as the desert air was in full sunlight, it quickly cooled to something quite pleasant at night. There was even a bit of a breeze stirring. And while the desert creatures of this world made sounds unlike the soft night music the flenders and oloxi sang on her home planet, they were hardly the kind of thing to keep her awake. Her cot and sleeping bag were the best money could buy.

No, she knew very well what was keeping her awake. She was worried about Willard Phule-or, to give him his Legion name, Captain Jester. She hadn't realized she cared quite so much. Tough, spunky Jennie Higgins didn't let things bother her, did she? In the news business, you learned not to get too close to a story. Maybe it was time for her to back off from this one.

Except that backing off was turning out to be a lot easier to say than to do.

She liked Phule. Liked the men and women in Omega Company, too. And she was angry that they'd evidently become pawns in the political games of Legion brass. But she'd never thought Phule would just knuckle under and submit to having a new CO sent in over his head. The Captain Jester she'd known would have found some way to fight back, and his legionnaires would have gleefully joined in the fight.

The man she'd seen sorting papers this morning hadn't shown even a hint of fighting spirit. He hadn't even had enough spirit to look her in the eye.

She knew what she ought to do. She ought to put together a story that showed the Legion brass in their true colors, a story that would have generals quaking in their boots when she came on their holoscreens. But she couldn't muster the energy to do it all, not without Phule's help. And from what she'd seen of him, he had nothing left to bring to the fight.

Maybe coming to Zenobia had been a mistake, after all. She hated to think of herself letting down the Omega Mob-men and women she'd come to think of as her friends-but a reporter had to choose her fights. And this one didn't look like one she could win. Not unless...

The sound of a Klaxon made her sit bolt upright on her cot. Something was happening out there in the camp. Already she could hear voices raised, the sound of men and women in a hurry.

She leapt from the cot and quickly threw on a set of Legion-issue fatigues, a gift from Omega Company in the old days. Maybe this was her chance to salvage some kind of story from this miserable trip.

She ran her fingers quickly through her hair, not even bothering to turn on a light to check her appearance. She was confident enough to take her chances with a camera. If the story was good enough, the viewers would forgive her for coming on-camera without fixing her face. She ducked through the tent flap and went to roust her cameraman out of his sleeping bag while there was still a chance to get some action shots. In the distance, the Klaxon kept up its urgent call.

The Andromatic robot aroused itself from the semidormant state it assumed to recharge its batteries and repair any minor wear and tear its mechanical components had sustained during its last active period. Its delicate sensors had detected the sound of people moving about, and that meant it had a job to do.

Its internal monitors ran through a quick system check; everything was in perfect working order. After checking the chronometer to determine local time, it adjusted its external appearance from the "Legion uniform" configuration that seemed to be most common hereabouts to the "Evening formal" that it had been programmed to wear at night, as the hours between 2100 and 0600 were officially designated. It had not observed any of the humans in this area adopting that appearance, but it had its orders. It was very good at following orders...at least, as long as the orders came from an authorized source.

It waited until the sounds in the corridor immediately outside its hiding place died down. That didn't take long. But no unauthorized humans could be allowed to learn its location when it was in a dormant state, and if it were observed leaving its hiding place, it would have to find a new one...not to forget the effect of alerting someone that it might not be what its external appearance said it was. It did not know exactly what a Legion officer was, but it knew that Legion officers did not spend their nights in broom closets.

Satisfied that it could emerge unobserved, the robot quickly moved into the corridor and began walking toward the nearest exit. The humans were apparently all gathering outside. Time for it to go to work.

"What is this shit, man?" Chocolate Harry came stumbling out into the night, a Legion fatigue cap on his head and a purple camo vest thrown hastily on over his size-XXXXL pajamas. He was clearly unhappy at being rousted out of bed.

"I bet it's another drill," said another legionnaire, blocked by Harry's considerable bulk in the doorway he was trying to get out of. "The CO's real big on farkin' drills." Then, after a pause, "Yo, Sarge, you wanna let me past? Brandy's gonna chew my ass off if I'm the last one on the crew to get there."

"Yeah, sure," grumbled Chocolate Harry, scowling as he stepped aside. He was starting to get tired of drills in the wee hours, but the major hadn't consulted him on whether or not it was a good idea. He consoled himself with the thought that he didn't have to run out to the perimeter and act as if he were repelling an invasion of heavily armed nasties. He began ambling toward the supply depot, where he'd be on call if any of the frontline troops turned out to have a dead battery in their laser rifles. It was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it.

He was halfway to his destination when a familiar figure came toward him, jogging. "Hey, Cap'n!" he called out. "They got you up and scramblin' too, huh?"

The captain stopped and gave him a friendly punch to the biceps. "Good to see you, Harry. Any idea what's happening?"

Harry scoffed. "Man, if they ain't tellin' the cap'ns, what makes you think they be tellin' the sergeants?" Then he stopped and squinted. "'Scuse me askin', Cap'n, but maybe I oughta ask you-and if it ain't my business just say so-but is there somethin' goin' on I oughta know about? I didn't know you was into hangin' out behind the supply depot late at night."

Phule leaned closer and lowered his voice. "There's a new top-secret operation starting up," he said. He put his hand on the supply sergeant's elbow. "In fact, it's a good thing I ran into you here. We need a man with a good head on his shoulders, and I think you're right for it. Can you keep this completely to yourself?"

"Top-secret?" echoed Chocolate Harry. He looked over his shoulder, then nodded. "You know I can keep things quiet, Cap'n," he rasped. "What's the poop?"

Phule looked around with an exaggerated air of conspiracy. "You know that Beeker and I were away from the base, talking to the Zenobian leaders," he said. "Well, the Zenobians have got a lot of advanced military gear the Alliance hadn't known about before, and we were trying to get an agreement to try it out just like the stun rays, you know."

"Cool," said Harry, nodding eagerly. The Zenobian stun rays had made a big impression on him. And, as supply sergeant, he'd be the first to get his hands on any new goodies coming to the company. "What kind of stuff are we getting?"

"That's the secret part," said Phule, still whispering. "I left Beeker behind to make arrangements for the delivery, and now he's finished with that part. But we can't let anybody see him returning to camp, or the enemy is likely to guess that something big is about to happen. You know what I mean..." He let his voice trail off.

"I get it," said the supply sergeant eagerly. "We got to smuggle him in so nobody spots him. Ain't no need to ask twice. If that's your business, Chocolate Harry's your man! What you want me to do, Cap'n?"

"Here's the plan," said Phule, and he whispered into Chocolate Harry's ear.

After a few moments, the supply sergeant began to nod enthusiastically. By the time Phule was finished, he was grinning from ear to ear. "You got it, Cap'n," he said. "You got every bit of it."

"Good," said Phule. "Now, let's go do it!"

Major Botchup's first reaction upon being wakened from a sound sleep by the Klaxon was annoyance. I didn't schedule another drill, he thought to himself. Snipe's going to pay for this. Then he heard another noise under the racket of the horn: the beep of his wrist communicator's alarm, a few feet away on his nightstand. Something was going on.

He sat up and grabbed the communicator. "Botchup here," he growled. "What's going on?"

"Trouble, sir," came Lieutenant Snipe's whining voice.

"I know that, you twit!" roared Botchup. "What kind of trouble?"

"We've got an alarm in Sector Blue, sir," said Snipe, whining even more annoyingly. "The guards on that part of the perimeter aren't responding to signals. Considering that we're in hostile territory, I've called a full alert, just to be on the safe side. What are your orders, sir?"

Botchup nodded; he'd been expecting something like this. "Stay on top of it, Snipe," he barked. "Keep me informed of anything that happens-anything at all. I'm on my way to the command center." He cut the connection before Snipe could answer.

The MBC's command center was, logically enough, immediately adjacent to the CO's sleeping quarters, a setup that Botchup would have been surprised to learn had been designed by Phule himself. But it showed in the details: the soundproofing between the work area and the sleeping area and the quick and easy access to every part of the encampment. Unlikely as it was that the CO's personal presence was required at a given point on the perimeter, he could get there in under five minutes if he was seriously determined to do so.

Botchup pulled on his uniform, ran a comb through his hair, and quickly ducked through the metal sliding door into the command area. A legionnaire was already on duty, a young human with long sideburns and a hint of a smart-assed expression. There was something about him that Botchup instinctively didn't like, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Was there a hint of insolence, perhaps, in that little half-smile?

"You," said Botchup. "What's the situation?"

"Uh, we have a possible intruder, sir," said the legionnaire. From the voice it might have been a woman, thought the Major, though he could have sworn this legionnaire was male. Those sideburns certainly gave that impression.

The answer would just have to wait, he decided; there were more important problems right now. "Where's the encroachment, and what's being done about it?" he snapped, leaning over to peer at the readout the legionnaire had been consulting.

"Uh, it was over behind Chocolate Harry's, sir," said the legionnaire, gesturing vaguely.

"Was?" said Botchup. "Was? Are you telling me that it's already over

"Uh, no, sir," said the legionnaire. "It's just that-"

He was interrupted by a cheerful new voice. "Good evening, how's everybody doing? Is everybody feeling lucky tonight?" It was Captain Jester, wearing a freshly ironed tuxedo. A broad smile was on his face as he sauntered into the command center, and he swirled a martini glass in his left hand.

"Jester! Are you out of your mind?" barked the major. "The base is under attack-"

"Security will take care of it," said Jester, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. "Why don't we let them handle it. It's nothing you need to worry about, is it? You're here to forget your worries. And you've come to the right place, let me tell you." He lifted the martini glass in a salute, then lifted it to his lips.

"Damn you!" shouted Botchup, and took a swipe at the glass, trying to dash it from Jester's hand. "You're drunk! And out of uniform! I'll have you cashiered from the Legion-"

"The cashiers are on the first floor, right by the casino entrance," said Jester, nimbly protecting the glass from Botchup's clumsy swing. "Remember, you're here to forget your troubles. Have a drink, play a few games, and you'll find yourself looking at the world with a new attitude. Remember, though, play with your head, not over it. Well, got to move along. The place is really jumping tonight!" He spun around and was out the door without waiting for an answer.

Botchup was still trying to make sense of what Captain Jester had just said, and coming up short, when the legionnaire on duty said, "Uh, Major, you've got a call from Lieutenant Snipe."

The major snatched the comm set from the legionnaire's hand. "Snipe! What the hell is going on in this crazy place?"

"Excuse me, sir?" said Snipe. "As I reported before, we've had an alarm in Blue Sector-"

"I know that, you nincompoop," said Botchup. "Have you sent anybody out to see what's actually going on there?"

To Snipe's credit, he only stammered for a moment before answering, "Uh, sir, I'll take care of it at once, sir."

"If it takes any longer, the damned base is going to be overrun," barked the major. "I needed that report five minutes ago, you understand? Now do it!"

"Yes, s-" Botchup cut the connection before Snipe could finish and turned to the command center's sensors to try to make sense of them. As he quickly discovered, that was a lot easier to try than to accomplish.

The camp was full of black-uniformed legionnaires running headlong toward positions on the defensive perimeter. Jennie Higgins stopped to try to get her bearings; without the night vision goggles the legionnaires would be wearing, it was hard to make out details. She ought to ask the captain for a pair. No, she wouldn't. She'd accepted her last favor from him.

"Where do you want me to set up, Jen?" asked a familiar voice nearby. It was her cameraman, Sydney, ready for action despite being rousted out of bed on a moment's notice; there was a dark mass perched on his right shoulder that had to be his holo equipment.

Jennie looked around. "I'm not sure yet, Sydney," she said. "Can you get anything in this light?"

"Light? There's light out here?"

"OK, that answers the question," said Jennie resignedly. "I don't think the Legion would appreciate your turning on a floodlight just to get a few action shots. In fact, if there's really an attack under way, I might not appreciate it.

"I wasn't about to offer, if you want to know the truth," said Sydney. "Maybe we should just wait and see if there's any action. Maybe there'll be a few explosions. That'd make good footage, I think."

"I like good footage as much as anybody, but if there are any explosions, I hope they're way out in the desert," said Jennie. "I've got a lot of friends here in the camp."

"Hey, I didn't say I wanted close-ups of explosions," protested Sydney. "Out in the desert's fine with me."

Jennie said, "Good. Let's see what we can find out, then. This whole scramble might be just a drill, in which case I want to go back and get some sleep. Maybe one of the officers will let us in on the scoop."

"OK, just don't hold your breath expecting the time of day from Major Botchup," said Sydney. "He's about as helpful as snot on a doorknob."

"If that," agreed Jennie. "Let's see if they'll let us into Comm Central. Somebody there'll know what's happening. And if something is going on, there'll be enough light there for you to get some footage." She turned and headed toward the MBC, with Sydney close behind.

"Yo, Mother!" Chocolate Harry burst into Comm Central, sweeping past the startled Lieutenant Snipe as if he were invisible. "Cap'n needs a message sent."

"Sergeant, aren't you forgetting something?" said Snipe, frowning. He drew himself up to his full height, still nearly a foot shorter than the supply sergeant and not even in the same arm of the bell curve in terms of sheer bulk.

"No, man, it's cool. I got it all," said Chocolate Harry, paying about as much deference to the lieutenant as a battle cruiser would to a garbage scow. "Now listen, Mother, here's the deal-"

"Sergeant, this base is in a state of emergency," Snipe said, in a nagging tone of voice. "The equipment has to be reserved for essential military communications, and as officer on duty, that is my decision to make."

"Look here, the cap'n told me to send this," said Harry, turning for the first time to face Snipe. "You got a problem, go talk to him, OK? Better yet, go-"

Before Harry could complete the sentence, the door burst open again, and in came Jennie Higgins and her holocam operator. "Hi!" said Jennie, with her best professional smile. "Can anybody tell me whether this is a drill or not? If it's the real thing, I've got to put together a story."

"Honey, this is some serious shit goin' down," said Chocolate Harry with a wink. "I can't tell you nothin' now, but you come talk to me when it's over, and I'll tell you stuff make your hair curl."

"Her hair already curling," said Tusk-anini, looking up from his book.

Lieutenant Snipe raised his voice. "I want this area cleared at once," he shouted. "The major has put the base on full alert status-"

"He didn't do that," interrupted Tusk-anini. "You do that, just a few minutes ago."

"Can I get your statement?" said Jennie, stepping up to the lieutenant and turning on her microphone. Sydney hovered behind her, his holocam humming almost inaudibly. "I'm speaking to Lieutenant Erwin Snipe of Omega Company. Can you tell my viewers whether the base is under attack?"

"Yo, Jennie, don't go botherin' Snipe with questions," said Chocolate Harry, waving his hand. "You'll just get him worse confused. Nobody tells baby lieutenants what's happenin'."

"That's not true!" said Snipe, his voice going up an octave. "I have reports from the front line-"

He was interrupted again as the door swung open and a new voice boomed out, "Hi, it looks as if I've finally found the party!" It was Phule, wearing a perfectly tailored tuxedo and holding a martini glass in one hand.

"Cap'n!" said Chocolate Harry. "I thought you was goin'-"

"Change of plans," said Phule with a wink. "You know, there's very little in life that's so important that a fellow can't afford to stop and smell the roses, is there?"

"Captain, I have reason to believe that this base is under attack!" said Lieutenant Snipe. "If I could get the comm center clear of unauthorized personnel..."

Jennie stepped forward. "Captain, can you confirm the lieutenant's rumor of an attack?"

Snipe tried again, a little bit louder. "All unauthorized personnel will leave the comm room at once, or I will have security clear it!"

"Oh, man, will you get off that jive?"

"Tgfrblt..."

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to go attack the free lunch buffet over by the dollar slots. It's the best deal in the casino!"

"Captain, can you confirm or deny the rumor?"

"Tgfrblt!"

"I'm calling Security right now, do you hear me?"

"Who you calling Security?"

"Come on, let's go see the action at the roulette tables!"

"Will everybody please shut up for one freaking minute?" The voice booming through the loudspeaker behind the comm console made everyone in the room jump and turn to look. There was Mother, standing at the console with a mike in her hand, glaring at the room. Suddenly realizing that six pairs of eyes and one Galaxy-wide network holocam were pointing at her, she gave a little shriek and ducked back behind the console almost as if someone had grabbed the collar of her jumpsuit and yanked her down.

In the silence came Phule's voice: "Well, time to go see about that free lunch," and before anyone could respond, he was out the door. Not that anyone was paying particular attention to anything except Mother's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Uh, did you wanna say somethin', Mother?" said Chocolate Harry very sheepishly.

"She say it already, but people weren't listening," said Tusk-anini, shrugging. "Now it too late."

"Too late for what?" said Lieutenant Snipe, making one more try to control the rapidly deteriorating situation.

"Yes, too late for what?" said Phule, slipping quietly into the room. He was wearing a legion jumpsuit that, for the first time in anyone's memory, seemed not to have been cleaned and pressed within the last twenty-four hours.

"Cap'n!" said Chocolate Harry. He stared for a moment, then shook his head. "That's two of the fastest clothes changes I've ever seen, dude. You gonna have to tell me how you did that."

"Oh, good, you back," said Tusk-anini. "Mother have message for you from Beeker, but she thought you gone already."

"From Beeker!" said Phule, surprise on his face. He lifted up his communicator and pressed a button. "If Beeker's breaking comm silence, it's got to be a serious emergency. Patch him through on a secure channel, Mother, I'm ready to receive him." He lifted the communicator close to his ear.

Silence reigned in Comm Central as everyone present strained to hear what Beeker was saying, but with Phule holding his wrist communicator inches from his ear, only an undifferentiated buzz was audible.

Phule's replies were singularly unhelpful: "Yes?" "Really!" "I'll get someone on that at once," and "Good man, Beeker!"

When he lowered the communicator, every pair of eyes in the room was staring at him. He looked back at them and grinned. "Well, I guess we've all got jobs to do, don't we?" he said, and turned and went out the door again.

It was Chocolate Harry who broke the silence. "Man, he flies lower than any dude I ever seen." Then he shook his head and turned to Mother. "That reminds me. Orders from the Cap'n-he didn't say nothin' to change 'em, so get this out to all personnel ASAP."

"Excuse me, Sergeant," said Lieutenant Snipe. "We are in an emergency situation, and I am the OD. I am responsible for all communications until further notice."

Chocolate Harry stared at him for a long moment. "Dude, you just got further notice. Mother, send this out, and if any jive-ass Lieutenant wants to put his mark on it, he's gonna have to do it on the fly."

"Chocolate Harry right," said Tusk-anini, and he folded his arms, adding his stare to Chocolate Harry's. After a moment, Snipe blinked. He stood up hastily and made a rapid exit from Comm Central. Nobody watching had any doubt where he was going, but nobody bothered to stop him. The only question was whether he and the major had any way to stop them.

"Hey, Brandy, is this a drill or not?" said one of the legionnaires in the trenches looking out into the night. "I got a nice soft bunk back in the air-conditioning, if we ain't doin' anything in particular out here."

"You think I'm out here trying to get a date?" said Brandy. "All I know is, if this ain't a drill, some nasty BEM's likely to hear you jawin' and put a laser hole through your butt. And if the BEM don't do it, you got a top sergeant right here that'll kick it halfway back to Lorelei. Either way, you lose. So maybe you ought to act like it's the real thing and keep your mouth shut."

"Aw, gimme a break, Brandy," said the legionnaire, but he kept his voice low and his eyes toward the desert beyond the perimeter. If anything was happening out there, it was too subtle to be visible, even with the help of night vision goggles. But Brandy wasn't in the habit of issuing idle threats, and if she wanted the troops to treat the situation as a genuine emergency, that was what she'd get.

After an indeterminate length of time, Brandy's wrist communicator buzzed. She sighed and reached out to touch the miniature control that would let her hear the incoming message, undoubtedly the recall signal, ending tonight's drill. Another pointless exercise. That seemed to be Major Botchup's stock in trade. At least Captain Jester's exercises usually had some objective she could understand. It wasn't until she realized that she had also heard the buzz from all the other communicators within earshot that she began to wonder whether this might be something other than an ordinary drill, after all.