12

Los Angeles, California

The gag came to Bobby as he was driving back from the desert.

It happened because a year or so ago, he had concocted about a quarter kilo of something he called GD, short for Giggle Dust. At the time, he’d had a customer somewhere interested in it, but something must have happened, and he’d stuck it into a drawer in the RV and completely forgotten about it. When he’d been there today talking to Ma and Pa Yeehaw, who actually were married and from Missouri originally, he happened to open that drawer, and son of a bitch lookit, there it was. Eight ounces of the gray green powder, worth an easy four grand if he wanted to bother with it. Free money.

GD was a blend of MMDA — an analog of MDA, or Ecstasy — some psilocybin from a batch of dried baeocystis mushrooms he’d bought from a guy in British Columbia, and a little dexadrine. Everybody didn’t react to it the same way, of course, but in most people, it tended to make for a really happy trip, laughing, giggling, speeding their asses off, beaming at everybody, and having a fun time in general. Problem was, the mix was iffy, and it was hard to get the recipe exact. This batch worked pretty good — he’d let Tad try a hit way back when — but the next mix might not. The mushrooms were the key, and they varied all over the place. Only real side effect was it tended to make you thirsty but not able to pee, so when it wore off, you’d be spending a lot of time in the john.

The gag would take all the GD he had, but what the hell, if you couldn’t have fun, why bother? He had precursor for another batch of the Hammer, he already had orders for fifteen grand or so lined up, and probably another five or eight thousand would be in by the time he got ready to mix. Money wasn’t a problem. He had money to burn.

The more he thought about it, the better he liked it. So he might be late for his dinner with the Zee-ster, no big deal. Zee was gonna be out of it anyhow, if he’d swung the Hammer last night. He wasn’t in as bad shape as Tad, Zee was a jock, but even with chemical assistance, he was gonna be dragging ass today. And he was usually late, even when he was straight.

Drayne grinned. Yeah. He was gonna do it. He could cut over to the 405, get off at Westwood, and it would be right there, just up Wilshire, no problem. It was still early enough he could beat most of the traffic. Thirty, forty minutes, he’d be pulling up next to the Federal Building. He been there enough times when his old man had still been protecting the republic.

The building was the home of the Los Angeles office of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Oh, yeah, this was gonna be a hoot, all right.

Malibu

Still hardly able to move, Tad managed to sit up on the couch to stare at Bobby. There weren’t many days when he thought Bobby was crazier than he was. This was one of them. He said, “You’re shittin’ me.”

“Nope.”

“You blew four thousand dollars’ worth of Giggle Dust to stone fuckin’ FBI HQ in L.A.?”

“Yep.”

“You’re friggin’ nuts, Bobby.”

“I’d have spent that much more to have been a fly on the wall. Maybe we can get one of the security recordings of it someday. See all those uptight fuckheads laughing and holding hands and being in tune with the universe and all.”

“Jeez, Bobby, you have to let that go. They are just doing their jobs, you know? That’s why they hire ’em.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Tad.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. How’d you pull it off?”

“Easy. They got great security, but I went to fill out an application for a job on the floor above them. Got out to the roof, up to the air conditioners, found the right vents, moved a couple of filters, voilà! the air is full of magic.”

“Four grand. For a practical joke.”

“Tad, Tad, Tad. Let me tell you a story.”

“Aw, geez, not another of your shaggy dog stories!”

“Shut up, Tad. Listen and learn:

“So there’s this couple in Vegas, see, and after a long day, they go upstairs and go to bed. Wife drops off to sleep, but the husband can’t, so he gets up, gets dressed, and goes down to the casino with ten bucks. He goes to the craps table, puts it down, throws a natural, and he’s a winner!

“So he lets it ride, and wins again. And again. And yet again!

“This is incredible stuff. He’s throwing naturals, he’s making points the hard way, he can’t lose.

“Next thing you know, the guy has parlayed his bets up to almost a million bucks. And he’s feeling unbeatable, so he lets it ride one more time. If he wins, he’s gonna leave rich.

“He throws snake eyes and loses it all.

“He goes back to his room. As he’s getting into bed, he wife wakes up. ‘Where you been?’ she asks.

“ ‘I went down to play a little craps,’ he says.

“ ‘How’d you do?’

“Guy slips under the covers, shrugs, says, ‘I lost ten bucks.’ ”

The conversation sat still for a moment. Tad said, “Okay, funny. And, uh, what exactly is the point?”

“Point is, it’s all gravy, Tad. This morning, I didn’t know the GD existed, so when I came across it, it was like something for nothing. I used it up, I had a big laugh, it didn’t cost me anything. Hell, I didn’t even lose ten bucks. I came home with as much in my pocket as when I left this morning. Except what I paid for the tofu burger for lunch.”

“You go a long way to make a point, man. And I don’t know how you can eat that tofu shit.”

“Yeah, well, getting there is half the fun, isn’t it?”

Tad had to nod. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. But you’re still a crazy motherfucker.”

“So who’s arguing with that?”

“Jesus.” A beat, then, “So how is the Zee-ster?”

“Probably as burned out as you are. He didn’t show. How you holding up?”

“I’ve been worse.”

“Want to eat something?”

“Nah, not yet. Maybe in a day or two. I’ll just pop a few pills.”

“Keep it up, Tad, pretty soon nothing short of tanna leaves is gonna bring you back.”

“Karis, the mummy, with Boris Karloff,” Tad said. Like half the people in L.A., Tad was an old-movie buff. He especially loved those old black-and-white Universal monster pictures.

“Well, at least part of your brain still works. I’m gonna get some champagne. You want some?”

“And rot my liver? Shee-it.”

Bobby laughed and said, “I’m gonna miss you, Tad.”

Tad nodded. “I know. But that was always in the cards, man. Always in the cards.”

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