Fantasy Online
Polynya
(Book Two)
By Harmon Cooper
Copyright © 2017 by Harmon Cooper
Copyright © 2017 Boycott Books
Edited by Andi Marlowe @ www.andromedaediting.com
Audiobook Narrated by Jeff Hays
Cover by MILB Art Studio
www.harmoncooper.com
writer.harmoncooper@gmail.com
Twitter: @_HarmonCooper
All rights reserved. All rights preserved. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
----Other works by Harmon Cooper---
The Feedback Loop – A LitRPG sci-fi series filled with action, humor, and cyberpunk musings.
Book One – The Feedback Loop
Book Two – Steampunk is Dead
Book Three – High Fantasy
Book Four – Reapers and Repercussions
Book Five – The Mechanical Heart
Book Six – Cyber Noir Redux
Book Seven – Proxima Riven
Three Book Box Set
Three Book Box Set (Volume 2)
The Last Warrior of Unigaea: A LitRPG about a Player Killer and his big bad wolf.
Life is a Beautiful Thing – A hallucinatory cyberpunk series. Book One Book Two Book Three Book Four Box Set
Dear NSA – A collection of 12 satirical stories about the troubled times we share.
The Zero Patient Trilogy – A literary dystopian thrill-ride that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Book One Book Two
Boy versus Self – A psychological, coming of age thriller about an Austin,Texas artist struggling with inner demons.
JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY
Reader,
Before you begin, you should know that most of my series are connected through the “Proxima Galaxy,” which is the name for the online galaxy in which works such as The Feedback Loop series, the Fantasy Online series, and The Last Warrior of Unigaea trilogy take splace.
You can join the Proxima Galaxy on Facebook here, or by clicking the image below. The group gets exclusive content, early previews of new works, advanced copies, free audiobooks, and eventually, we will work on a wiki that shows just how intertwined all these series are.
-Harmon Cooper
The Fantasy Online series is dedicated to the memory of Tom Shutt.
Table of Contents
JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY
Table of Contents
Map of Hyperborea
Map of Polynya
Chapter 1: A Digital Spider in the Land of the Rising Sun
Chapter 2: Choose a Quest
Chapter 3: Port of Corpses
Chapter 4: Special Delivery
Chapter 5: A Scar is a Success Story
Chapter 6: Chalupa vs. Churro
Chapter 7: The Bronze Crystal Super Package
Chapter 8: Pink Salon
Chapter 9: Relics ‘R’ Us
Chapter 10: Someone’s Little Blow-up Doll
Chapter 11: Surprise Attack
Chapter 12: Wolf Trap
Chapter 13: The Takeover
Chapter 14: Extreme Vetting (For Fick’s Sake)
Chapter 15: Doing Oric a Solid
Chapter 16: Poisoned by a Seagull
Chapter 17: The Empress Speaks
Chapter 18: Cave --> in
Chapter 19: Imp Melee
Chapter 20: Mark of the Beast
Chapter 21: Warm Hands
Chapter 22: FeeTwix “Turncoat” Fajer
Chapter 23: DJ Ride the Lightning Rides the Lightning
Chapter 24: After Party
Chapter 25: Mani-Pedi and a Royal Confession
Chapter 26: Repetition is a Form of Change
Chapter 27: Get Woke
Chapter 28: Friends in High Places
Chapter 29: House Call
Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet
Back of the Book Shit
Get connected with other LitRPG readers!
The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW
Map of Hyperborea
Click to enlarge
Map of Polynya
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“Continents, three,
Float over the Endless Sea,
Hyperborea, Polynya, and Ultima Thule.”
--A famous Tritanian poem
“Takha bae bitakh novlaa rakh Aya Bortaetae,
Huborakha, Polonkhya, Hutamae Dulekh.”
--Written in Romanized Thulean
Chapter 1: A Digital Spider in the Land of the Rising Sun
Ryuk rips the NV Visor off, takes a deep breath, and collapses back onto his pillow. His anger does nothing to warm him; even with the blanket up to his chin he’s frigid, his teeth chattering, his blood cold. He closes his eyes, thinks back to the last thing he saw.
He gulps, swallows the thought of Tamana standing over him with her buster sword.
She killed me.
His doppelgänger is an entirely different issue, something he can theorize over later. What matters to him at the moment are Tamana and her terrible actions. As he lies in his bed, he tries to capture the moment that she changed. Was it in Kayi as they were engaging the zombie orcs? It couldn’t have been. Was it after, during their private conversation in the lobby of the Mondegreen?
It seemed authentic, it must have been authentic. But was it?
“Why did you do it?” he whispers.
Something in the upper corner of his bedroom catches his eye but he ignores it. Returning his focus to his iNet screen, Ryuk watches as his three guildmates pace around their room at the Mondegreen hostel trying to come to grips with what has just happened.
A light flashes into the room as Hajime peeks in.
“It’s too bright, Hajime.”
The humandroid reaches a hand up and turns off the headlamp strapped to his forehead.
“You’ve logged out earlier than I thought you would. Are you hungry?”
“I’m fine … ” He swallows his dismay, tries to bottle it as best he can.
“Is everything all right?”
“Why are you wearing a headlamp?” Ryuk asks.
“I was doing my weekly check of our earthquake supply kit.” The heater attached to the wall kicks on – Hajime’s doing. “You never answered my question. Why are you logged out? What happened?”
“It was Tamana.” The words are harder to push out than Ryuk anticipated they would be. “She betrayed me, us. She killed all of us. Just now.” He chokes on the words. “Stabbed each of us in the back.”
And Ryuk realizes then, saying it aloud in the real world, how stupid this sounds. Yet it was exactly what happened, and regardless of the location, real or digital, the act of betrayal cut just as deeply as her ironing board of a sword.
“I see. Was there anything you could have done to stop it?”
“I don’t know.” Again, the image of her standing over him flashes across his mind’s eye. “It happened suddenly, without warning.”
“You need to log back in and join your guildmates. I’m sure they want answers.”
“We all want answers but … ” Ryuk shudders. “But I don’t want to log back in. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sit here, to … ”
Hajime is silent for a moment. In his silence Ryuk’s attention again floats over to the ceiling at the far corner of his room. Eight glowing red eyes flicker open, and from the shadows he sees two long, hairy legs dip out.
Attla Spider Level 8
HP: 187/187
ATK: 40
MATK: 8
DEF: 11
MDF: 26
LUCK: 1
“Hajime!” The spider is suddenly on Ryuk’s bed, charging him.
He kicks out of the covers, gets tangled, and falls to the floor, scraping his elbow. He scoots backwards and cracks the back of his head against Hajime’s knee.
The Attla spider drops to its haunches, as if its preparing to leap at him.
“It’s a hallucination,” Hajime reminds him in a calm voice. “Apparently, they’re back.”
“A hallucination.” Ryuk clenches his fists together and relaxes them. “A hallucination … ”
Hajime crouches behind him. “Face it. See what the hallucination is actually capable of. In this way, you will emphasize the difference between you and it.”
Taking a deep breath in, Ryuk turns his attention back to the spider on his bed. His vision blurs and refocuses on the creature’s two largest eyes.
“What’s it doing?”
“It’s not doing anything. It’s just … watching me.”
“Good, are you still afraid of it?”
He slowly nods. Ryuk never liked insects all that much and to see one on his bed that is the size of a bear cub has his skin crawling.
“Reach out for it. See what happens.”
“You’re joking.” Ryuk looks up at Hajime.
“No, see what happens.” To make a point, he clicks the button on the front of the headlamp and shines it onto the bed.
After settling his wits, Ryuk peels some of the tangled blanket off his body and scoots towards the bed. He doesn’t want to do it, can’t even imagine what will happen if he actually puts his hand close to the venomous Attla spider. As he presses his hand to the spider, the creature pulls back, displaying its grotesque fangs. Green liquid appears at the tip of its fangs, bubbling as it prepares to attack him.
“This is the worst idea ever,” Ryuk whispers as his hand passes right through the spider’s snapping fangs.
“What’s happening?” Hajime asks.
“It’s trying to bite me but … ” He looks down at his hand and sees the spider gnashing at his arm. “It’s not real. I know it isn’t.”
“Is it disappearing?”
He shakes his head. The spider eventually gives up. It crawls up the side of Ryuk’s wall and back to its darkened corner. Once there, its eyes flash red as it completely obscures its body in the shadow of the room.
“Well?” Hajime asks.
“It went back to its corner.”
“So it’s still here? That’s odd.”
He shines his headlamp over there.
“No, it’s gone,” Ryuk reports back.
“We can discuss this in detail later,” Hajime says after a moment of silence. “I’ll need to do some research regarding recurring digital hallucinations. For now, I think you should log back in. I’m sure your guildmates want answers. Also, I think you should eat something.”
“I’m not too interested in lying on my bed at the moment.”
“Then dive from the living room. Everything is clean now and you can lie on the couch. And I want you to eat something,” he says, his eyes clearly reading Ryuk’s vitals. “I made some onigiri for later, but since you are awake now … ”
Hajime approaches the single window in Ryuk’s bedroom and opens the drapes. Outside, Tokyo whisks by in a frenzy of light. Aeros move through the air in their appropriate skylanes and the lights of Shibuya, a beacon in the distance, flash and dance across the slick glass of tall buildings.
“Fine.”
Ryuk pushes himself off the floor. He grabs his NV Visor and his Somnium skipbox, and heads to the living room.
Chapter 2: Choose a Quest
While Ryuk’s hunger may be satiated by the two onigiri he swiftly wolfs down, his confusion at Tamana’s betrayal shows no signs of slowing down. With this on his mind – as if there is anything else he could think about, aside from the digital spider that was just in his room – Ryuk lies down on the couch and sets his NV Visor on his stomach. He still needs to order haptic gloves, and as he places the visor on, he quickly makes a purchase over iNet from Rakuten.
And just like that, a new pair of gloves is on the way.
In the carousel beneath his purchase, he sees a more slim-line version of the visor he is currently wearing. It is also possible to dive using a person’s life chip, the chip in the temple of every Japanese citizen at birth. To dive using one’s life chip, an over-the-ear apparatus is necessary, but most people, oddly enough, continue to use the visor as it is the classic way to dive.
The sine waves start up on the inside of Ryuk’s visor, and he closes his eyes, letting the instant neuro-hypnosis begin. Before Ryuk can say or do anything else, he’s given spawning options and, naturally, he selects the current location of his guildmates.
His stats appear and after a three-second check, he swipes them away.
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 13 Ballistics Mage
HP: 378/378
ATK: 91
MATK: 120
DEF: 69
MDF: 42
LUCK: 10
FeeTwix Fajer Level 17 Berserker Mystic
HP: 600/600
ATK: 140
MATK: 28
DEF: 81
MDF: 40
LUCK: 13
Hiccup Level 12 Shield Thief
HP: 525/525
ATK: 76
MATK: 13
DEF: 156
MDF: 74
LUCK: 25
Zaena Morozon Level 16 Brawler Assassin
HP: 563/563
ATK: 165
MATK: 8
DEF: 93
MDF: 28
LUCK: 14
We’re all healed up?
FeeTwix notices the confused look on Ryuk’s face and says, “It was Jim the hostelier. He set the room as a healing space as soon as we respawned here. Another perk of staying at this hotel, or hostel, or maybe it’s a hotel. Who cares? It’s a nice place! How are you doing? You holding up all right?” The handsome Swede walks over to Ryuk and places his hand on his shoulder. “Seriously, how are you?”
“Where the fick have you been?” Hiccup pushes FeeTwix aside and rattles his metal finger at Ryuk. “Your fickin’ wet dream Tammy decided to backstab the hell out of us, and there you go, disappearing like a little emo princess poofter snowflake bed-wetting fickboy back to the shithole from whence you came!” The goblin has already started in on a platter of lemon pepper dragon wings, the sauce of which is smeared across his face. “I’m stress-eating, goddammit!”
“Your face is a mess, Hiccup.”
The goblin uses his brass arm to wipe his lips and somehow manages to transfer some of the lemon pepper sauce to his pink topknot.
Damn goblin.
Orange haired Zaena with her dragon features and slim physique is beside herself. She’s pacing, her shoulders tensing and untensing as she plots her revenge. “We can return now,” she says without greeting Ryuk. “We will kill Tamana. I will personally see to it that–”
“Ha! You already said that, Liz.” The goblin returns to his tray of food and greedily wolfs down another dragon wing. “From what I recall, you were the first one to die, or was it FeeTwix?”
She turns to him and her eyes narrow. “Choose your next words carefully.”
“Yeah? Well fick you too.” He waves his hands in the air, tossing lemon pepper sauce onto the wall. “Any-fickin’-hoo, Tammy will get hers, as soon as I get mine.” He pops another dragon wing in his mouth. “And boy fick, are these good! I’m telling you guys, this place has one helluva chef!”
“Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”
“My mother wasn’t a whore, at least on the weekdays, and a prerequisite for being a goblin is to be greedy and filthy, as I’ve told you. That said, I’m far from stupid, Liz, and seriously, if you’re that fickin’ mad at Tammy, why don’t you walk your scaly ass down to their guild, let yourself back in, and again have your ass handed to you by someone practically half your level.”
Hiccup’s platter of dragon wings flips up into the air, scattering the sauce and the food onto the bed. A short ax appears in his hand and he points it at Zaena.
They hold each other’s gaze for a moment and she’s the first to look away.
Zaena huffs, her eyes turning to little slits. Hiccup starts picking his wings off the bed and eating them. “Got to eat them while they’re hot,” he reminds Ryuk.
FeeTwix: You want to take the lead or should I?
Ryuk: I got it.
Skill level up!
Skill: Inspire Others
Level Two: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.
Requirements: LUCK > 8
“There are a number of things that need to be discussed,” Ryuk tells his guildmates, “and before we get to Tamana, and what happened, I’d like to share with you what I witnessed in the basement of the Shinigami’s guildhall. I think it’d be best to start there.”
“I was going to ask about that,” FeeTwix says, his eyes blue as ever.
“It was a door.”
“A door?” Hiccup uses his clawed finger to scoop a hunk of lemon pepper sauce off his chest armor. He sticks the finger in his mouth and sucks on it for a moment. From there, his finger goes into his nose, where he digs around briefly, finds something worth examining, examines it, considers eating it, reconsiders, and flicks it in Zaena’s direction.
“It was a door to another dimension, a portal of sorts.”
“The room was?” Zaena asks.
“No, the room was empty; the door was in the center of the room. Imagine a door right here in front of us.” Ryuk points at an empty space. “The door was open, which is why I could sense so much algomagic. Inside was a completely empty void filled with stars. That’s not all … a voice spoke to me from inside this space.”
Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “Gee fick, Marbles, don’t scare me this late at night!”
“What did the voice say?” asks the Swede.
“It beckoned me forward, asked me to enter the space.”
“For fick’s sake, that’s the last thing I would have done.” Hiccup starts biting the nails of his one good hand. “Fick, I hate ghosts.”
“Don’t worry, Hiccup, I’ll protect you,” FeeTwix offers.
“Yeah? Good. At least someone cares.”
“I don’t know if it was a ghost or not,” Ryuk says. “I couldn’t see it completely, but what I could see looked like a giant snake that for some reason – and this may be my imagination here – she seemed human.”
“The snake was a woman?” Hiccup nods to Zaena. “Everyone knows female snakes are especially evil. Just look at Liz over there. She’s practically half-snake!”
FeeTwix steps in front of Zaena and stops her from lodging one of her throwing knives in the goblin’s throat. “Relax, babe,” he says. “We’re all upset right now in our own ways. Hiccup,” he turns to the goblin, “keep your bullshit to a minimum. Otherwise, I’ll equip the haunted doll I have in my inventory list and let her play with you.”
The color drains from Hiccup’s face. “That doesn’t sound like a good type of play.”
“Believe me, it isn’t.”
After his guildmates have settled, Ryuk continues. “The woman used her power to pull me towards her. I fired a black marble at the doorframe just in time and the door slammed shut. That wasn’t the end of it. As soon as it shut, it was like a hurricane had spawned in the middle of the room or something. Tiles were flying and I barely, barely made it out in time.”
“And then you ran up the stairs and found us battling the final mage,” adds FeeTwix.
“That’s exactly what happened.”
Hiccup grimaces. “And then that bitch Tammy stabbed us all in the back. What, Marbles? I can’t call her a bitch now? Don’t cringe at me!”
“You most definitely can,” Zaena seethes, “and I will call her much worse when I stand over her lifeless corpse.”
“Talk about Viagra for a goblin – I love it when Thulean gals get aggressive!” The pink dollop of hair on his head ruffles. “Not the hair, Liz! Keep your goddamn ghost limbs to yourself!”
“There’s more.” Ryuk steadies his gaze on FeeTwix. “My hallucinations have also returned.”
(0)__(0)
Ryuk takes a moment to tell them about the Attla spider in his room, how his hand passed through it and how the hallucination didn’t disappear this time, as the Thulean warrior did when he had his first hallucination.
FeeTwix’s eyes go wide.
“What is it?”
“How much does Tamana know about NPCs trying to take people’s iNet feeds in the real world? What did you tell her?”
“She knew it was happening through resetters,” Ryuk says. “That’s it.”
“Listen carefully to what I’m about to ask you next: did she know about the experiments in the 2050s? Remember those? The one you told us about in which an NPC actually took a humandroid’s body. Did you tell her this?”
Ryuk shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Either you did or you didn’t, Marbles, answer the man!”
“Stop yelling, Hiccup, and no, I didn’t tell her. I know I didn’t. We were so wrapped up in other things that it never came up. Tamana doesn’t know, unless you guys said something.”
He glances from Zaena to Hiccup to FeeTwix. All three shake their heads.
“Good, then she doesn’t know about that. Thankfully.”
Hiccup finds another dragon wing on the bed, jams it in his mouth, and strips it clean. As he chews he says, “So let me get this straight: there was a crazy fickin’ serpent chippie in a portal at the Shinigami’s place, Tamana betrayed us, and after she skewered your ass, you had another digital hallucination in your world. Sound about right?”
Ryuk nods.
The goblin licks his lips and waves goodbye to the rest of the guild. “This, my friends, is why I’m announcing my retirement from the Mitherfickers as of tonight – shit is about to get crazy.”
“Really?” Zaena looks at him coldly. “Coward!”
He snorts. “Take it easy, Liz, I’m just fickin’ with you. To be honest, kiddos, I’m ready to level up and get the fick to Polynya. We really need to pull some strings with the Knights of Non Compos Mentis, in my humblest of humble opinions. And by we, I mean you, Marbles. You need to get us some face time with Sophia.”
“My old guild.”
“That’s right, kid, you need to get us in touch with the leader of your old guild. I know you said that you didn’t know how to go about doing this, but that was before you took into consideration the fact that you have one of the most dastardly, crafty, bastardly, sly, and handsome mitherfickers in all of Tritania in your guild. Me. I’m referring to me. If there’s a will, there’s a way, and if there’s a fickin’ goblin, there’s usually more than one way. Plus, Twixy and I have sort of become partners in crime. Ain’t that right, Twixster?”
FeeTwix considers this for a moment. Finally, he grins. “I’d say it’s not wrong.”
“Good, in my book ‘not wrong' is technically right, a phrase which will never hold up in a court of law, but that’s beside the point. So we’ll get to the Knights. No problemo. Doneski. Good.”
Ryuk rubs his hands together. “We need to be at level 15 to travel to Polynya, the next floating continent. Zaena and FeeTwix are already able to travel. I’m currently at level 13, and Hiccup is at level 12. We need to level up.”
“I’ve got this. Jim!” Hiccup barks. “We need a case of Hopkins’ Healing Nostrums. Now!”
Not two seconds later, there’s a knock at the door.
“That was fast … ” Zaena says.
“Too fast. I’ll get it.” FeeTwix’s Glock appears in his hand and he approaches the door cautiously. He presses the safety off as he asks, “Jim?”
“Here with your healing potions,” comes the reply from the other side. “Might I ask you to lower your weapon? Thank you.”
FeeTwix clicks the safety back on and stuffs his shooting iron in the back of his pants. Once he’s good and situated, he opens the door to find Jim standing behind a dolly which holds a case of healing potions.
“The potions you requested?”
“Just add the cost to our room.”
Jim nods. “Certainly, Mr. Fajer.”
“FeeTwix, call me FeeTwix,” he says as he bends over to grab the case.
“Or Twixy!” Hiccup pipes up from his seated position on the bed.
“Right, Mr. FeeTwix or Twixy, I will add the charges to the room. If you need any further assistance, please do not hesitate to ask me.” With that, Jim turns back to his clerk’s station.
“Fick yes!” Hiccup rubs his grimy paws together. He practically knocks Ryuk to the floor as he makes his way over to the case of green, grenade-shaped bottles.
“No, no, no,” says Ryuk as he places his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder, “our health is already full.”
“Marbles, don’t you fickin’ get between me and my healing potion. It’s a goblin’s Oxycontin, got that? What part of prophylaxis do you not understand? The opioid epidemic is a fickin’ crisis and shouldn’t be joked about. Don’t be an insensitive fickhole and quit bogarting the potions! Gimme, gimme, gimme!”
“At least let me set the case down first.”
FeeTwix places them on the table and Hiccup grabs the first one, pops the top, and gets to chugging. He burps, beats his chest for a moment, and continues guzzling. “Listen, Team MFers, we can’t let the fickin’ bullshit that we dealt with today affect how we handle the fickin’ bullshit we deal with tomorrow, or tonight for that matter.”
A confused look trails across his face.
“That’s right. Okay, pep talk. So let’s get to leveling, and we’ll be on the first airship out of Aramis in the morning. And seriously, let’s open up a serious can of whoop-ass the next time we see the Shinigami, Tammy, or Marble’s evil more powerful twin brother!”
“Aye, aye, aye!” Zaena shouts.
“Whoa, Liz, this isn’t a game of Boaster Toaster. Although a game of Boaster Toaster with healing potions would be a dream to play, a dream! This is a good ol’ fashioned rally the troops speech. Marbles, Twix, Liz – it’s time to quit fickin’ around!” The goblin tosses the depleted Hopkins’ brew to the floor, shattering it to pieces. “Jim! Clean up this mess, and while you’re at it, get us some quests!”
(0)__(x)
Jim stands at the door of their room with a broom and a dustpan attached to the bottom of a long sword. He twists his wrist, letting the light reflecting off the sword shine across the room.
“What’s with the swordpan?” Hiccup asks.
“It’s a reminder to you what will happen next time you decide to break something in your room and/or abuse the waitstaff.” With the click of a button on the handle, the sword separates from the swordpan. He clicks it back into place. “Need I persuade you anymore?”
“Fair enough,” Hiccup hooks a thumb at Ryuk, “but you’ve got the wrong guy. I didn’t break that shit; it was Marbles over here.”
Jim ignores Hiccup as a floating scroll appears in front of him and he reads it for a moment. He folds it up and it dematerializes. “Regarding your levels, I don’t have many options for you to partake in quest-wise.”
“That’s fine,” Ryuk says, “just tell us what you have.”
“Right. The first quest involves defending a shipment of Wizardous set to depart from the Goblin Riviera. The suggested average level is 13, and the bonuses associated with this quest are 1.5 times EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus for its successful completion. The consequences are incarceration and the potential to make arch-nemeses. There is one more caveat to this quest: it can only be taken by three party members.”
“Fick yeah!” Hiccup counts on his fingers. “Twixy, Marbles, me. Sound about right? You got the night off, Zaena. Spend it in your Sotlian pocket spa or something.”
“Riptak jatla blanktakh boomboom morrha.”
“You already called me that!”
Jim clears his throat. “I’m not finished. There’s also a quest to slay a mysterious land dragon in the Klin mountain range that only comes out at night and has been terrorizing villages, most notably McLeod Ganj, which are situated in the range. The trolls in the Klin Mountains will also keep you busy. The suggested level for this one is level 15. There is no bonus for this quest, nor are there any EXP boosters, but you can bet you’ll get a good amount by defeating the land dragon. Not too many consequences for this one aside from sudden death.”
Zaena nods. “Not bad, gunsyakhai are incredibly difficult to kill.”
“And that’s what attacked Tamana in Tokyo, killed her.”
“So what?” Hiccup tells Ryuk. “Tammy is a turncoat-ass-bitch! You saw it yourself. I don’t want to hear anymore shit about what happened to her up in your world.”
Ryuk clenches his fists together.
“The final quest is in the Cape of Chukchis.” Jim smiles curtly. “It’s a night raid on the orc stronghold there sponsored by Bullbean Energy Drink. From the press release, I mean, quest release: Surge! Get the highest number of orc kills and win schweet schwag in the real world and Tritania! Odds of winning a Bullbean energy ring increase with each kill! The energy ring doubles your highest stat and gives you free entry to exclusive concerts and happenings across all three floating continents of Tritania!” Jim smooths his hand over the front of his tuxedo jacket. “I hope I read that right. There is one caveat to this quest: you’ll be competing against other guilds of varying levels. Last month’s winner was an RPC guild from Ultima Thule with a median level of 85.”
FeeTwix turns to the others. “Guys, let’s do the orc quest. We can get that energy ring and maybe Dory the Weaponsmith knows someone who can replicate it.”
Hiccup scoffs at the Swede’s suggestion. “What part of ‘going up against stronger guilds’ do you not understand, Twixy? We just had our asses handed to us not two hours ago! Let me frame it like this: an RPC guild from Ultima Thule vs. the Mitherfickers, a lowly guild consisting of a guy who shoots marbles and broods too much; Mr. ‘If You Got It Flaunt It’ over here who’d whore out his own offspring if he knew it had a 15% chance of a good ROI; a relatively handsome and intelligent goblin with a good head of pink hair who’s good with an ax and well-read; and the most lizardous of lizard queens.”
“I am not a queen,” Zaena says sharply, her orange eyes narrowing on Hiccup.
“Easy, princess, just trying to make a point.”
Zaena grits her teeth.
“Enough,” Ryuk says. “Let’s take the legendary creature quest. We’ll gain a ton of EXP.”
“No.” FeeTwix shakes his head. “I’ve got a better idea. You three take the Wizardous quest. I’ll log out and get some real world rest. I … ” He thinks for a moment. “I can’t remember the last time I logged out. I’ve got a custom Somnium Skip Box that also keeps my vitals level with IV infused nutrients. Point is – it’s been days.”
“What?” Zaena raises an eyebrow at him.
“I’ll explain later. You three take the first quest, win bigly, and I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
Ryuk looks to the other two. “Well? What do you guys think?”
Hiccup snaps his fingers. “Let’s do it. Maybe we can get a pinch of some of that Wizardous too, you know, to sell if we ever find ourselves in a bind.”
Quest: Will you journey to the Port of Corpses in the Goblin Riviera to defend a shipment of Wizardous?
Rewards: 1.5x EXP and a 10,000 rupee bonus upon successful completion.
Risks: You will be arrested and you may make an arch-nemesis.
Ryuk accepts the quest on behalf of the guild.
“One more thing, Jim,” Ryuk says, suddenly remembering something.
“Yes?”
“Have you ever seen one of these before?”
Ryuk equips the dragon egg they looted from the Bannon’s zombie-filled home in Kayi. With its dark purple color and a tendril of blue spiraling around it, the egg looks like it’d be right at home in an Easter celebration.
Jim raises his hand to his mouth. “Oh my! Wherever did you find this?”
“We, um, found it in Kayi.”
“Good,” Hiccup whispers a bit too loud. “Keep the alternative facts a-coming.”
Jim ignores the goblin as he approaches Ryuk. “Do you mind if I show it to some people I know?”
“We need to get it to a hatchery,” Zaena says.
Jim shakes his head. “Not necessarily, but I would like a second opinion on it.”
Ryuk hesitates for a moment, but something about the innocent look in Jim’s eyes inspires him to hand it over.
“Thank you. I promise I’ll have more information on the egg tomorrow.” With that, and with the egg carefully in his grasp, Jim exits the room.
“Now that that ficker’s gone, let’s get down to business!”
The spawning point takes shape in front of Ryuk. It starts as a golden seed, and as Thulean script twists around it, it morphs into a softball-sized sphere.
“Good luck,” FeeTwix tells the group. “I’ll see you guys here in the morning!” He grabs Zaena, kisses her, and logs out while he’s still in her arms.
Hiccup rolls his eyes. “For fick’s sake … ”
Chapter 3: Port of Corpses
Zaena brandishes her four swords made of depleted Pelosium before Ryuk’s avatar can finish materializing. “Weapons up.” She steps in front of him and scans the dark alleys before them.
Ryuk quickly loads his magazines with marbles, four black/molten mixes and one mag with sword marbles.
He pops a black molten magazine into the back of his gun.
“Something smells fishy!” Hiccup chortles. “Sorry, I crack myself up. That’s just the smell of the fisheries over there.” He uses his mechanical thumb to point to a series of buildings with corrugated roofs. “Whenever you smell that kind of stank, it can only mean one of two things. One, you know you’re in the Port of Corpses. Two–”
“–The Port of Corpses?” Ryuk asks. “I was meaning to ask about that earlier – I’ve never heard of it.”
“That’s because you don’t listen, Marbles, get woke. I’m pretty sure I’ve called it that before, and like most things, there’s another name for it. Ever heard of the Port of Protla?”
He nods.
“There’s revisionist history for you. History is written by the oppressors, am I right? Pretty sure I read that in a history book. Any-fickin’-hoo, the real name is in remembrance of the battle between the goblins and the Lost Boys, those little fickers. Lots of dead bodies fell down the continental shelf into the Endless Sea that day. Damn, were the fish down there happy.”
“Lost Boys?” Ryuk glances over his shoulder and catches a group of beefy orcs loading boxes onto a small airship.
Hiccup shakes his head. “I swear, for someone that used to be level 96 ninja, you don’t know fick all about Tritania. The Lost Boys live on the back of a giant turtle down there in the Endless Sea.”
“Bitakh Morla, the Island Turtle.”
“What Liz said.” Hiccup’s bushy eyebrows narrow on the path ahead. “Quit asking stupid questions, Marbles. Looks like we’ve got company!”
Ryuk keeps his marble gun at the ready as three cloaked commoners approach. The thought strikes him like a sucker punch. They too are on a quest, only on the opposite side – they’re out to stop the shipment of Wizardous.
A scalding blast from a female mage forces Ryuk into a backflip with a belly-flop ending.
-89 HP!
He rolls to his side and gets his marble gun up. The mage blocks all three shots with a shield made of radiant energy.
Her guildmates toss their cloaks back to reveal their faces.
Goblin Thief Level 5
HP: 213/213
ATK: 34
MATK: 12
DEF: 65
MDF: 37
LUCK: 5
Mind Mage Level 6
HP: 240/240
MANA: 201/201
ATK: 17
MATK: 56
DEF: 22
MDF: 49
LUCK: 2
Dark Elf Warrior Level 10
HP: 355/355
ATK: 147
MATK: 12
DEF: 96
MDF: 40
LUCK: 3
“Spew Gorge!?” Hiccup cries from the shadows. “What the fick are you doing on their side?”
The enemy goblin does a double take. “Hiccup?”
“Fick yeah it’s me. Getchur ass over here and I’ll give you a cut of the winnings!”
As he keeps his marble gun trained on the female mage, Ryuk tries to place where he’s heard the name Spew Gorge before. Wasn’t he Hiccup’s cousin who lost his chalupa in a game of Natty Dread?
Ryuk suddenly feels stupid for even pondering such a question.
As if to confirm Ryuk’s thought, Hiccup asks, “How’s your chalupa holding up, Spewy?”
“Don’t you talk about my chalupa, you fickin’ fick-faced fickboy!” the goblin barks.
“Fickboy? I’m older than you, Spewy, by at least fifty years. That’s fickman, you little bitch-titted ficktard and another thing … ” Hiccup grunts and lets loose a string of fick-laced cursing the likes of which Ryuk has never heard before. Finally he pauses, takes a deep breath, clears his throat, and shouts, “The goblin is mine!”
Spew Gorge charges, and the two solid slabs of grade D goblin meat collide.
They bite, they pinch, they scratch, they scrape, they scream like sissies, they seethe, they claw at each other's eyes as they roll around, kicking up dirt and debris, knocking over anything they happen to roll into.
-49 HP!
Using the goblin melee as a distraction, Ryuk cuts the female Mind Mage down with a black marble. She crawls towards a stack of barrels as magic ripples up and down her arms. Before Ryuk can ignite the crates, a giant brawler made of smoke hops out onto the cobblestone street. He flexes, drops to a runner’s stance, and takes off.
Shit! Ryuk hightails it, knowing full well that he won’t be able to go toe-to-toe with the Mind Mage’s magic. He skids to a halt and crouches behind a barrel.
The clink and clank of swords meet his ears as Zaena takes on the Dark Elf Warrior. A quick glance to the northeast and Ryuk sees that the warrior elf has conjured a large purple sword rimmed with bubbling energy. Zaena holds her own, spinning and slicing, the dim lights of the city reflecting off her shiny blades.
He turns his marble gun on the smoky brawler and the whispery behemoth made from gray and black tendrils of oily smoke disappears completely.
Ryuk turns left, right – nothing.
All he can see now is Zaena battling the elf while Hiccup and Spew Gorge continue their violent family reunion.
KO! -100 HP!
Ryuk’s vision is suddenly waxy.
He knows he’s hit the ground; he can see the towering brawler made of smoke looming over him.
He tries to go for his gun but the Mind Mage’s combatant knocks it out of his hand. The smoky brawler brings his foot down on Ryuk’s Dream Armor. -38 HP! Even with the stars and galaxies twirling around his head, Ryuk manages to bring his knees to his chest to protect himself from the next kick.
-17 HP!
“Damn!” Ryuk jams his fingers into his clear marble pouch and manages to avoid the next kick by rolling away.
As the smoky brawler lifts his leg back to give him a football punt to the noggin, Ryuk stuffs the marble in his mouth and spits it at the brawler.
Dispel magic! he thinks, and sure enough, the smoky brawler flashes white and disappears.
Skill level up!
Skill: A Simple Request
Level Four: 1 in 6.25 chance of a request being granted.
Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.
Requirements: LUCK > 9
LUCK +2!
New skill learned!
Skill: Spit Fire
Level One: Stuff a marble in your mouth and spit it at an enemy. Higher levels allow for more control and sustained magical abilities.
Requirements: LUCK > 5
My gun … Ryuk’s head darts left and right.
He spots his gun near a doorstep, and whoof!, the wind is knocked out of him as Hiccup’s thick and sweaty body lands on top of him. Like clockwork, the hit knocks loose a dragon wing-seasoned ruckus from the goblin’s derriere that adds olfactory insult to injury.
“Baka!” Ryuk pushes Hiccup off him and stands. “You stinky little fucker!”
“What!? It knocked the fickin’ wind out of me! Ha! That’s the best one liner I’ve come up with yet! Wait, what the hell did you just call me!?”
Once he’s a few feet away from the gaseous goblin, Ryuk goes for his marble gun only to be trapped by a circle of yellow fire.
Damare! That damn Mind Mage! He turns to the spell-casting woman, who continues to stroke her fingers in the air, increasing the height of the yellow flames that now surround him.
“I’ve got this,” he whispers to himself. He closes his eyes, completely ignoring the heat and the fact that the flames seem to be closing in. His Extreme Focus creates a reticle on the mage and after he’s locked on, up comes his slingshot.
Ryuk zips a molten marble at the female mage.
-100 HP! Critical hit! The woman screams as her flesh and clothing sizzle off her body. She tries the ‘stop, drop and roll’ method to no avail. It doesn’t take long for her to curl up and die a fiery, toasty death.
Level up!
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 14 Ballistics Mage
HP: 223/413
ATK: 93
MATK: 120
DEF: 71
MDF: 47
LUCK: 12
Hiccup and Spew Gorge stop their fight for a moment to sniff the air. Hiccup licks his lips. “Nothing like a good charred Mage, eh, Spewy?”
Spew Gorge licks his lips as well. “It’s been awhile since I had charred Mage.”
The two lock eyes and Spew Gorge’s eyes narrow on his older cousin.
“Fight or feast?” Hiccup asks. “I’m down for either.”
“Bring it on, you fat fick!” He taps his mallet against the side of his leg. “And if anyone hasn’t told you already, your stupid pink hair makes you look like just about the biggest fickin’ poofter this side of the Empress’s fat ass!”
Hiccup spits blood, wipes his mouth with his mechanical arm, and equips his toe knife. “You’re going to regret that!” he snarls.
Instakill!
The hilt of a sword marble appears on Spew Gorge’s forehead and he falls backwards.
“That … Hey!” Hiccup turns to Ryuk and shakes his fist. “I was going to kill the ficker!”
“There are more battles to come. Let’s end this.” Ryuk lowers his slingshot and steps over what’s left of the Mage’s burning ring of fire to retrieve his marble gun.
“Aye!” Zaena drops as the Dark Elf Warrior’s flaming blade connects with one of her ghost limbs.
“Cover me, Marbles!”
Hiccup’s biggest scutum appears in his hands.
The gnarliest goblin this side of Athos takes off as Ryuk’s explosive marbles kick up debris and confusion.
This gives Zaena the time she needs to dip away, and Hiccup the cover he needs to launch himself like a sack of potatoes at the Dark Elf Warrior, knock the big bastard down, and proceed to pound the living shit out of the downed warrior with the bottom of his shield. The crunching sound that follows makes Ryuk cringe.
-86 HP! -75 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!
Instakill!
“Fick yeah! I got a level up!” The goblin’s shield disappears and he drops to his haunches, checking the Dark Elf for loot. “Make it rain, baby, make it rain.” He finds a small satchel and tears it open. “Only one hundred?” He kicks the elf in the face. “I’ll check the others.”
Zaena approaches Ryuk with a slight limp to her step. “He was strong,” she finally says, leveling her orange eyes at him, “but you two didn’t need to help. I was close to finishing him.”
Thuleans and their pride, he thinks as he takes in Zaena, who is slightly out of breath.
“Ha! Like fick you were, Liz!” Hiccup makes his way to his cousin’s dead body. “Don’t you know the Thulean word for thank you?”
She cracks a grin.
Ryuk glances between his two guildmates. “Is that, um, some sort of joke?”
“There isn’t really a Thulean word for thank you,” she finally says. “There is a tone of voice used when one is showing appreciation.”
Ryuk nods. He appreciates Thulean culture, any culture really, but the lack of an ability to say ‘thank you’ seems foreign to him as a person from Japan.
“A half bottle of a store-brand healing potion, eh?” Hiccup stands, spits on his cousin’s dead body, and chugs it down. “Fick it, that’s not so bad, actually.” He examines the bottle. “HEB Central Market Healing Brew, huh? Whatever the hell that is, it ain’t bad!” He gives his cousin’s dead body another solid kick. “Not bad at all.”
(0)__(0)
Ryuk hears some grunting over his shoulder. He glances back at the pair of muscled orcs sliding crates onto a pallet. “Should we help them?” he asks Hiccup as the goblin approaches.
“Fick me to tears, Marbles, howzabout we let the drug peddlers, I mean pharmaceutical professionals, do their thing, and we do our thing – protect them. Now both of you, heal your asses up.”
Ryuk goes with one of the generic healing potions in his inventory list. He can’t remember how he got it. Maybe Dirty Dave.
+100 HP!
Zaena equips a grenade-shaped Hopkins’ and takes a long sip from it. “In Athos, there is a restaurant that uses Hopkins’ to make a special marinade. I thought you may appreciate this, goblin.”
Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “Gimme, gimme, gimme. You’ve been holding out on me! And the name … ” he growls.
“Hiccupanaratapana, correct?”
“That’s right,” he says, “but your pronunciation is off.”
Zaena scoffs.
“Now stop bogarting the Hopkins’.” He tries to swipe the potion away from her but she uses her ghost limb to lift it higher into the air.
As they bicker over the healing potion, Ryuk remembers his last trip to Athos, the capital of the final floating continent of Tritania.
To reach Ultima Thule, one must be at level thirty-five, that is unless they were an RPC or an NPC born there, like Zaena. In fact, she can travel to any continent she so desires regardless of level requirements, which makes Ryuk wonder again why she chose Hyperborea. She never told him, and she continues to keep quiet about her past.
“Eyes forward.” Hiccup tosses the healing potion over his shoulder and his little tomahawk appears in his hands.
Three players approach, their features covered in shadows.
I get this now! Ryuk thinks as his Extreme Focus skill forms red outlines around the approaching three. Our success in this mission depends upon defending the choke point. In that case…
Ryuk: Zaena, take the rooftop opposite mine and equip your bows. Hiccup, hit the alleys and come around back. We have two incoming Dark Archers, one Ballistics Mage, all below level six. They’re all artillery.
Zaena lifts herself to the top of the fishery using her ghost limbs. Hiccup disappears like a fart during a hurricane. Ryuk glances around and notices that a few crates and barrels are stacked in a way that he’ll be able to scale in no time. He gets to the top crate, and from there, onto the roof of the fishery opposite Zaena.
The enemy Ballistics Mage shouts, “Face us!” He fires a black marble at one of the fisheries, exploding out a window.
No sense in wasting a mag. A smile creeps across Ryuk’s face as he levels the Mage with a couple of sword marbles using his slingshot.
-62 HP! - 38 HP!
“What the hell!?” the Mage bellows.
-53 HP! Another sword marble puts the Mage in a bad place.
The slingshot magic wielder falls instantly and the archers backtrack for cover.
Fwhip!
-56 HP! One of Zaena’s arrows goes through the shoulder of a fleeing archer. He hits the ground hard, and takes cover before she can get him with a follow-up.
Ryuk takes the other archer down with a sword marble to the back as Zaena zings two more into his body.
“Hey! I wanted to kill someone!” The goblin skids out of an alley and drops his hands on his knees. He huffs in big gulps of breath as he realizes that one of the archers is still alive.
He brings his tomahawk up and …
Fwhip!
Instakill!
“Dammit, Liz, I’m the one that needs the fickin’ experience!”
An idea comes to Ryuk. This will totally work.
“Hiccup, want to play a game?” he calls down to the goblin.
“Do I want to play a game … does a Thulean fick in the woods?”
Ryuk considers this for a moment. “I really have no idea.”
“Well ask Liz, go on, I’m waiting.”
Ryuk looks over to Zaena and she shakes her head no. A message appears on his viewing pane.
Zaena: We could both kill Hiccup right now and just handle this ourselves.
Ryuk: Trust me, I got a better idea.
“Well, did you ask her?”
Ryuk points to a place between the two fisheries. “The game is called Honey Trap, or at least I think that’s what it’s called. I might be wrong. Anyway, you get the point. I want you to lead whoever comes down that pathway towards the choke point between these two fisheries. Zaena and I will handle the rest. You in?”
Hiccup’s horned helm appears on his head. “I can’t believe I forgot to equip my helmet. No wonder I wasn’t getting that much loot. Speaking of which … ” He searches the three they’ve just killed. “Sweet! One of the archers has some ink shadow tears. I dunno what the fick he has these for, but with the bearadillo hide I scored and my Tuskarr Tusks, it’s high time I get to crafting something!”
He can craft?
Hiccup stands, scratches his ass and looks up at Ryuk. “What were we doing again?”
“Honey Trap. It’s a fun game. Just walk up there a ways and lead anyone and everyone to this point here.” Ryuk motions with his marble gun. “Zaena and I will take care of the rest.”
The goblin nods as a conniving grin spreads across his face. “Not a bad plan at all, Marbles. Glad I came up with it!”
(0)__(x)
For the next forty minutes or so, the three Mitherfickers whoop the living hell out of a good number of lesser guilds. Their honey trap strategy remains the same: Hiccup lures them in and Ryuk and Zaena pick them off.
The goblin has even gotten a little creative with it – defying all laws of physics and violating international treaties both in the Proxima Galaxy and in the real world, the robust goblin has somehow managed to get a bright pink tutu over his armor, and has taken to mocking their opponents by aiming his rectal turbulences in their general direction.
While Ryuk hasn’t received any new skills, he and Hiccup have both moved up a level, meaning Ryuk is now able to pass to the second floating continent of Tritania – Polynya – and Hiccup is one level away from doing so. Zaena has also gained a level.
Ryuk quickly checks their stats in a brief break between combat:
Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage
HP: 323/445
ATK: 97
MATK: 128
DEF: 76
MDF: 49
LUCK: 12
Hiccup Level 14 Shield Thief
HP: 579/620
ATK: 82
MATK: 14
DEF: 181
MDF: 85
LUCK: 27
Zaena Morozon Level 17 Brawler Assassin
HP: 580/610
ATK: 180
MATK: 8
DEF: 98
MDF: 34
LUCK: 14
A new group approaches – a Warrior, a Brawler, and a Rogue – and Ryuk thinks, more fickboys, after he sees that the three are all below level seven. Two thoughts race through him at this point: one, he doesn’t like being cocky so he feels a bit guilty for that; two, he actually thought in Hiccup’s bawdy patois.
“Yoo-hoo, boys, it’s your mothers’ favorite goblin treat.” He does a little curtsy and lets loose a squeaker. “One on three? I call those good odds! Whoever dies first gets a tomahawk in the ass!” He brandishes a comically small tomahawk, no longer than an unsharpened pencil. “Bring it, you fickwads!”
Ryuk doesn’t pay much attention to their stats. At their levels, there is no way they’ll be able to take down the Mitherfickers, especially with their artillery disadvantage. He aims his marble gun at the sweet spot and, like the battle before, he waits for Hiccup to scuttle on through.
The three lower leveled guildmates give chase and only the Rogue slides to a halt after he sees the bodies stacked in the shadows on either side of the honey trap. He yells out to his compadres, but by this point Zaena has already taken one down with a well-aimed arrow while Ryuk pumps the other full of black and molten marble.
Instakill! Instakill!
The word appears in the air amidst a misting of blood.
“Sheeeyooot!” The Rogue turns to run the other way and makes it all of four steps before an arrow brings him to the ground.
Hiccup makes a running leap and a large ax appears in his hands in midair. He comes down hard with his knees on the back of the rogue, piledriving his ax into the back of his head and bringing him sudden death.
Instakill!
“Whew!” The goblin waddles to his feet and wipes some blood from his ax onto the Rogue’s clothing. As he has for everyone else they’ve killed, Hiccup grabs the Rogue by the leg and drags him over to the side of one of the fisheries, leaving a trail of crimson behind him. He checks him for loot and kicks the rogue when he finds none.
He does the same with the other two. He then walks over to their blood trails and tries to kick up some dust to cover them.
Zaena: The goblin needs one more level, then we’re good.
Hiccup: THE GOBLIN HAS A FICKIN’ NAME. Why are Thuleans so racist? Why do I always want to go to my safe space after a couple hours with you?
Zaena: Are you not a goblin?
Hiccup: Are you not a lizard?
Zaena: We will discuss this later.
“Like fick we will,” Hiccup grumbles as he gets into position. “And by the way, next time we play this little game, I get to be the ballistics expert and Ryuk gets to be the honey trap.”
“But … ” Ryuk bites his tongue, knowing better than to argue with a cranky goblin with a bright pink topknot wearing a matching tutu.
Zaena: Weapons up.
Three musicians approach, slowly, and after seeing their stats, Ryuk immediately pops his mag out and loads it with more black and molten marbles. The three are all clad in zoot suits and wide-brimmed black hats. Their clothes are tailored and they wear cowboy boots with sharp stirrups. Each has a guitar case clutched in their hands.
Berserker Warrior Level 20
HP: 1183/1183
ATK: 275
MATK: 19
DEF: 140
MDF: 46
LUCK: 19
Berserker Warrior Level 17
HP: 641/641
ATK: 215
MATK: 9
DEF: 113
MDF: 39
LUCK: 15
Berserker Assassin Level 15
HP: 587/587
ATK: 172
MATK: 11
DEF: 94
MDF: 51
LUCK: 8
Boss battle. A reticle appears on Ryuk’s viewing screen and he keeps it trained on the most powerful of the three.
“A trio of crappy busker bitch-serkers, huh? Mother of fick … ” Hiccup grumbles. “All you sorry fickers, the first one that plays Kumbaya gets a tomahawk up the chalupa.”
Zaena: Stop bitching and bait them!
Ryuk: Am I the only one that has looked at their stats?
“Keep your underoos on, Marbles,” Hiccup says as he waves and blows kisses at the buskers. “Heya fellas! Did your dads teach you how to play the skin flute or was it your uncle?”
The three desperados stop. The first places his guitar on the ground, pops it open, and pulls an OFB Amogh Carbine from it.
He pops the magazine in and points it at Hiccup. His pearly whites gleam from the shadow cast by his black hat as a grin spreads across his face.
“FICK ME!”
Hiccup can barely get the next string of curses out before the other two can equip HK416Ns. The goblin’s scutum appears and with his hands over his head, he covers his back with the large shield as the three berserkers unleash of fury of metal unhappiness at the goblin.
Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat!
“We need Twixy!” he shouts, his voice muffled by the bullets dinging off his shield. “YOY!”
No, we need leverage. Ryuk holsters his marble gun and pulls out his slingshot. In the pocket goes a clear marble and he fires it off with the command, “Disable firearms!”
The marble connects with the most leveled of the three and a wave of force boomerangs around him. It skips to the second berserker and the third.
The three of them stop shooting.
Shit!
Ryuk goes with his marble gun and fires off a string of molten and black marbles. Zaena accompanies him with arrows. -45 HP! -39 HP! -58 HP! As they take damage, the three dive sideways and the berserker slides into a wall, where he sticks to the sidewall of the fishery as if the wall were made of flypaper.
It’s at this point that Ryuk realizes just how epic of a fail his Simple Request attack just was.
And as if a light bulb flicked on over their heads, the three berserkers realize that the laws of gravity no longer apply to them.
Guns a-blazing, the three run along the sides of the buildings, matrix-ly defying in-game physics as they leap up onto the fisheries and dip back down into the alley sidewalls to avoid Ryuk and Zaena’s attacks.
As he fires, replaces his mag and fires again, Ryuk catches Hiccup also trying to run up the side of a wall, which ends poorly. The goblin screams his favorite curse word, falls backwards, and immediately starts nursing a healing potion.
Damn goblin!
The high level berserker flips onto Zaena’s rooftop and away go her two bows.
The faceoff begins.
Ryuk watches wide-eyed, sure that the berserker is going to mow her down with his carbine. He gains a sudden sense of respect for the berserker when the guy equips a buster sword instead. The two charge one another, Zaena’s hands and ghost limbs spinning blades as she meets the berserker.
Realizing he’s about to go head-to-head himself, Ryuk gums a few molten marbles and keeps the end of his marble gun trained at the corner of the rooftop. He spins, checks his three o’clock and his nine, spins again and does the same.
The other two berserkers have completely disappeared. His nerves crawl as he whips around, trying to pinpoint them.
Extreme Focus.
Thinking the skill does nothing. The digital adrenaline coursing through his veins has him on high alert and his ability won’t take. He’s so focused on the corners of the rooftop that he doesn’t see one of the berserkers fire on him from the sidewall of a different fishery.
-16 HP! -20 HP! -12 HP! -17 HP!
Even with his Dream Armor taking the brunt of the bullets, he still loses almost a hundred HP. Ryuk hits the deck with his marble gun up.
On his belly now, he awkwardly tries to figure out where the bullet came from. The molten marbles warm in his mouth, Ryuk calms his beating heart with a deep breath and his Extreme Focus finally starts to work.
A red outline creeping towards Zaena’s rooftop.
“Fuck you.” Ryuk unloads the entire magazine on the red outline, ruining his opponent’s surprise attack.
Instakill!
Skill level up!
Skill: Extreme Focus
Level Three: Can detect approach of camouflaged/concealed/stealthed enemies and objects.
Mage bonus: Higher levels allow sleuthing and increased accuracy. Also increases magic detection range when used in tandem with Magic Eye.
Requirements: LUCK > 11
Ryuk pulls himself to his feet, crouching as he desperately tries to find the other berserker.
-62 HP!
BANG!
Ryuk’s spirit is stripped from his avatar the moment the phrase you have died appears across his vision pane. He watches in slow motion as his body hits the parapet again and topples to the street below. The berserker stands behind him, smoke streaming off the end of his handgun.
Ryuk is an apparition now, floating above the battle. He’s been here before with his last avatar – if Zaena and Hiccup die, the Mitherfickers fail the quest and will respawn back at the Mondegreen hostel. If they win, Ryuk respawns albeit with his life bar half full.
“I’ll fickin’ murder you!”
Ryuk’s spirit turns to find Hiccup embroiled in an epic wrestling match with the berserker who just took his life. Frothing at the mouth, the goblin tries to get the upper hand.
For his troubles, the gassy goblin takes a direct shot to the stomach that leaves him bleeding out.
-200 HP!
“Yoy, FICK!”
Not one to go down without a fight. Hiccup recovers quickly and springs onto the berserker, his toe knife in hand.
“Fick you!” he bellows as he jabs repeatedly at the berserker’s neck.
The furious goblin quickly overwhelms the berserker and soon, the berserker is left marinating in his own pool of blood.
Hiccup removes his helm, runs his hand through his pink topknot, and gives a double thumbs up at the sky in the general location where he thinks Ryuk’s spirit may be floating. “Good job dying, Marbles. Luckily, everyone’s favorite goblin is now at level fifteen.” He cups his mechanical hand at the side of his mouth. “Wrap it up, Liz!”
With the grace of a whirling dervish, Zaena twists around the strongest berserker mage and skewers him completely, separating both his arms from his body. Instakill! His arms fly into the air, blood spraying from the wounds, and the berserker falls from the rooftop.
(x)__(x)
Ryuk respawns at half health.
He stands, blinks, wipes his Dream Armor, and is just about to climb back up to one of the rooftops when he sees a lone figure appear in the distance. As the figure approaches, his outline flashes green.
Algomagic.
“Well, look what the fickin’ lian dragged home!” Hiccup tosses his healing potion aside, hops from the rooftop onto a crate, and from there onto another crate, eventually landing on the ground to the left of Ryuk.
Dirty Dave Level 99
HP: 8999/8999
MANA: 4697/4697
ATK: 3347
MATK: 1679
DEF: 3000
MDF: 3000
LUCK: 115
The immiNPC is in a shiny black suit and a pair of loose cowboy boots. Hung from his neck is a bolo tie shaped into a nazar.
“Dirty Dave!” the goblin says, his arms wide. “Put ’er there, old pal!” Suspicion paints across the goblin’s face as the famed weapons dealer places his hands behind his back.
“Wait a fickin’ minute. You’re not here to fight us, are you? Ah fick, ah fick!” A spiked club appears in Hiccup’s mechanical hand. “It was Ryuk’s idea to fight you!” He bristles, gains his composure and takes a step forward. “But before we battle, I just want to say, I believe whole-fartedly that you, sir, are innocent. I just want that on record.”
Damn goblin.
Ryuk is on the verge of turning to Hiccup and yelling baka when Dirty Dave starts laughing. “You three against … me?”
Zaena lowers herself from the rooftop and gets into a defensive pose. Ryuk reluctantly unholsters his marble gun and aims it at the torso of the powerful Mind Mage/weapons dealer/rumored drug kingpin.
With just the right amount of flare, Dirty Dave releases his hands from behind his back and shakes them out. “Rest assured, Mitherfickers, I may very well fight you one day, when your guild is complete and you actually stand a chance. But now is not that time. Lower your weapons, or don’t. It’s not like you’d hit me anyway.”
A treasure chest falls out of the air and lands in front of the three Mitherfickers.
“I’m here to give you your reward. For successfully protecting a shipment of pharmaceuticals set to ship off to Polynya, here is your 10,000 rupee reward!”
“Fick yeah! All right, Marbles, you and I are getting our chalupas wet tonight!” With that, Hiccup charges the treasure box and jams his grubby hands in. “Love that feeling.” His nostrils flare as he inhales the money. “And the smell!”
“I apologize for him,” Ryuk says as he takes a step closer to Dave. He glances to Zaena, who watches Hiccup bite down on one of the rupees to test for authenticity. “If you don’t mind, Dave, I have some questions for you.”
“Oh?” Dirty Dave cocks an eyebrow at him.
“Earlier tonight, we were tricked by the Shinigami.”
“And the White Warrior betrayed you?” Dave asks, his eyes flashing orange.
He’s a Mind Mage, Ryuk reminds himself.
“That’s right. We want, I mean, we need to get a message to Sophia, head of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis. You said you had some relation with my former guild, if I remember correctly.”
“I do.”
“Can you pass a message along to her?”
Dirty Dave shrugs. “You have learned many things in the last few days, and I’m sure the betrayal you experienced tonight stung. I can tell you this: this is just the beginning. As an immiNPC, I prefer to be a spectator in what is set to take place as it will directly affect me in ways I’ve yet to fully comprehend. I’m sorry for being vague, but this quest is yours alone to take.”
“Is that a no?” Hiccup asks, another rupee in his mouth.
“It is.”
“A lot of fickin’ help you are, Dirty Dave.” Hiccup stands and pockets a few rupees. “My guess is you could easily get a message to Sophia. Dunno why you’re holding back on us, but if it’s rupees you’re after, that’s not a problem. Name a price, pal, we got angel investors!”
Hiccup bats his hands over his head, again terrorized by Zaena’s ghost limbs.
“We still owe 70,000 rupees to FeeTwix’s fan who gave us a loan,” she hisses at him.
Hiccup snorts. “Pfft! Every goblin worth his weight in rupees knows the best way to get rid of debt is to ignore it.”
“I’m not interested in your money,” Dirty Dave says flatly. “The Knights are the most powerful guild in Tritania. As a former, lesser member of the guild, you should know this, Ryuk.”
Lesser member?
“You will need to go to Polynya yourself and try to get an audience with Sophia yourself. That said, you should know: because of an attack that took place an hour ago, entry into Aramis, the capital city of Polynya, has been severely restricted.”
“An attack?” Zaena gasps. “What happened?”
“It seems the Shinigami are stirring up trouble everywhere. Only people that are residents of the city can enter. The Knights are overseeing the investigation, which is how, I believe, you could get a message to Sophia.” A sinister grin spreads across his face. “There may only be one way to truly get their attention, and that may be to do something that warrants them coming after your guild. This is just a suggestion. There may be other ways.”
Hiccup’s eyes flash as an idea takes shape in his head. “So we fick the place up, and the Knights and the city guards come. Easy peasy. But that doesn’t answer the question: how the fick do we get in if there’s a travel ban?”
“The continent is brimming with quests that could grant you entry to the city. I suggest starting there. If not there, at least begin at one of the entries to the catacombs.”
Ryuk nods. More quests, easy. He then looks at his two guildmates, and narrows in on Hiccup, who has a finger up his nose. Well, easier said than done, but still doable.
Dirty Dave turns, stops, and looks over his shoulder at Ryuk. “Do you mind if I borrow four of your marbles. I’d like to run some tests.”
“Um … ” Ryuk reaches into the pouches on his belt and retrieves a single black marble, clear marble, sword marble, and a molten marble. He walks over to Dave and extends his hand. “Here you go.”
“Very good. We’ll be in touch soon, after you’ve completed the next leg of your journey. Good luck, and keep your heads down.”
Chapter 4: Special Delivery
Ambient music by Hiroshi Yoshimura pipes in from the small, cylindrical speakers in Kodai’s kitchen. He doesn’t normally spend much time there as most of his meals are specially delivered for him. Most of his dinners, if he eats dinner at all, are eaten at some of Tokyo’s finest restaurants, or at one of his hostess bars.
Today is different. The Yakuza lord doesn’t feel like being disturbed yet, and as the bright morning sun fills his apartment, Kodai actually feels an overwhelming sense of joy.
Today, in less than an hour, his new humandroid bodyguard will be delivered.
Which reminds me… he thinks as the messenger interface on his iNet screen flashes.
Kodai: Please pack your things and leave.
He returns to his automatic espresso machine, watching as two shots pour into an imported demitasse. Once the tiny cup is full, he throws it back and closes his eyes for a moment, ignoring the bitter taste as he waits for the caffeine to take effect.
His attention shifts to the bottom right hand corner of his iNet screen.
Kodai’s Ballistics Mage avatar has hit the level necessary to travel easily to Polynya, and for Kodai, this means to travel in a way that doesn’t raise suspicion from Tritania’s AI, the Sage of Gotha.
He quickly checks his avatar’s stats and skills.
Kodai Matsuzaki Level 15 Ballistics Mage
HP: 830/830
ATK: 213
MATK: 176
DEF: 98
MDF: 105
LUCK: 7
---
Skill: Inquisitor
Level Three: Obtain information through enhanced interrogation techniques. Higher levels allow for more vigorous methodology and more effective deception.
Requirements: LUCK > 9
---
Skill: Mask Stats
Level One: Keep others from knowing your stats. Works on any player either below or within eight levels of your current level. Higher levels allow for customizable stat-based deceptions.
Requirements: LUCK > 6
---
Skill: Breath of Fire
Level Two: Place a molten marble in your mouth and use it to spit flames. Damage increases with level.
Damage: 9% if enemy is less than level 30; 6% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Odds of instakill: 6%
Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 7
---
Skill: Explosive Blades
Level Three: Using three marbles, two knife and one black, cause confusion and pain through an additional shrapnel bonus.
Damage: 19% if enemy is less than level 30; 8% if enemy is greater than level 30.
Odds of instakill: 3%
Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 8
---
Skill: Crucify
Level Three: Using two jagged knife marbles, quickly pin an enemy to an object. The object must be at least the length of the target’s outstretched hands. High levels allow for longer pinned times.
Damage: 3% if enemy is less than level 30; 4% if enemy is greater than level 30.
He senses a presence and blinks his eyes open.
Sarah the Australian stands before him completely nude, the look on her face the same as the previous night, when he was watching her. Her skin is porcelain, her breasts ample, the look on her face undeniably sexy.
Now isn’t the time.
Kodai’s eyes drop from her breasts to the single slit of hair shaved into her pubes. “Where are your clothes?”
“Ohayo gozaimasu,” she says in a high-pitched voice not her own.
“I won’t ask you again.”
Tension spreads across Sarah’s forehead. “You already had me sleep in another room, which is kind of humiliating, you know.”
“And?”
“I was expecting,” she swallows, “I don’t know what I was expecting, but I figured you’d at least have a bloody robe for me.”
“One wasn’t in there?”
“No. Besides,” she takes a step closer to him, “I thought you liked seeing me like this.”
“I don’t, not right now anyway. My delivery will be here soon.”
“Your humandroid?”
Kodai nods.
Sarah’s eyes fill with excitement. “Ooo, I want to see her. It was a her, right?”
“Yes, it is a she, and absolutely not,” he says firmly. “Now please, get your clothes and leave. I will come see you when I’m ready.”
Sarah starts to say something but stops herself. She turns away and purposefully sashays so he can take a long, hard look at her ass, if he so chooses.
Kodai smiles. The audacity of this one. It’s why he likes her, and it’s why he plans to keep her around for a little bit longer.
(0)__(0)
Once Sarah has left his apartment, Kodai moves to the window to take in the view. He can see the glimmering waters of Tokyo Bay, the tops of the trees in the Imperial Garden, the rooftops of smaller apartment buildings, the daytime running lights of the aeros as they zip through the air.
He stands there admiring it for a good ten minutes until he naturally focuses in on his reflection. Kodai runs his hand through his short black hair, fixes the crease of his collar, and turns away from the glass.
His thoughts shift to his younger brother at the very moment Tamana betrayed his shitty little guild. A natural smile forms on Kodai’s face. It feels good to be in control again, it feels good to remind Ryuk where he stands in the pecking order.
A message from Gorira flashes on his iNet screen.
Gorira: She’s here.
Kodai: Send her up.
“Live feed.” The cameras in the lobby of the apartment complex play out on his retinae.
He purposefully doesn’t zoom in when he sees his new humandroid, hoping to save the close up for when she is standing directly before him. However, through the feed he can tell that she is just under two meters tall, lean, with short black hair pulled into two tight ponytails at the back of her head.
He moves to his coat rack to put on his suit jacket. Kodai checks his tie, makes sure the knot is pulled all the way up, and smooths his hands over the front of his shirt.
A video feed on his iNet screen alerts him that she is now in front of his door.
With a simple thought, the door clicks open, and the thin humandroid enters into his apartment.
She has western features with eastern European cheekbones and dark green eyes. She’s in a tight black bodysuit with the word SECURE in offset gunmetal gray on her sleeve and a slim-line pair of minimal combat boots.
She bows deeply. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Kodai Matsuzaki,” she says in flawless Japanese.
“Your name?”
She smiles at him and his heart flutters. “You can name me whatever you’d like, or you can call me by the name used during my training.”
“Which was?”
“Tesla.”
“After the aeros company?”
“My handler was fond of a Model T from the 2020s that he restored.” She takes a deep breath and steadies her gaze on him.
“Before we go any further, I’d like to test what you can do. Then I have some business to attend to in a Proxima world.”
“Tritania?”
Kodai takes a step back and regains his composure. “How did you know?”
“I was briefed on your recent interests by MercSecure.”
“I see. One moment, please.”
Kodai: Who is on the way out?
Gorira: Of our own men?
Kodai: Yes, best to start there.
Gorira: Yugio. He’s been late twice in the past three months.
Kodai: Bring him up. If he asks any questions, tell him you are escorting the droid back down.
“You are sending someone?” Tesla stands perfectly still, poised on her heels with an undecipherable look on her face. The more Kodai stares at her, the more he can’t tell what ethnicity she was modeled after. While earlier she looked western, she now looks Central Asian with her cheekbones and the cold look on her face.
She is, without a doubt, a most incredible work of art.
He’s startled when Gorira knocks twice and lets himself in. Gorira is joined by Yugio, a thin but muscled thug in a freshly pressed suit. His hair is slicked to one side, shaved on the other. Like the humandroid, the look on Yugio’s face is indecipherable.
Kodai approaches Yugio. “May I have your weapon?”
Yugio double-checks the safety is on and hands his weapon to Kodai, who then clicks the safety off and points the gun at Gorira.
“Give your gun to Yugio,” Kodai instructs his biggest thug.
If Gorira is surprised or scared, his visage doesn’t give it away. Kodai keeps the gun trained on him as the big man hands his firearm to Yugio.
“Good,” Kodai says, “now take off your jacket and kill her.”
“Hai.” Gorira removes his jacket, places it on the coat rack, and rolls up his sleeves. He looks to his shoes.
“You can keep them on,” Kodai says.
Gorira approaches and once he’s just outside of striking range, he lifts his brick-sized fists. He pauses, moves his fist back to his side, and bows. Tesla does the same and as she comes up, her eyes dilate and return back to their normal dark green color. She lifts her much smaller fists as well, and ever-so-slightly shifts one foot behind the other.
Gorira swings, and having seen Gorira kill a man with a punch to the face, Kodai knows just how powerful and fast the big man can swing.
Seconds later, he’s doubled over, trying to move away from the humandroid, who has avoided his swing by meeting it with a very precise knee to the gut.
The big man staggers back, sucks in a big gulp of air, and charges forward. Tesla levels him with a fist to the face. Gorira hits the ground hard enough to shake the floor. Blood dribbles out of his lips as he tries to lift himself.
“Finish him,” Kodai tells his new humandroid, his eyes narrowing on the blood that has started to pool on his floor.
With the speed of a striking cobra, Tesla steps slightly in front of Gorira, lifts her foot, and brings the back of her heel down on the big man’s neck, cracking his chin against the ground and killing him instantly.
“Good.” Kodai turns to Yugio. “Get two of the others and get this body out of my home. Also, don’t be late again.”
Chapter 5: A Scar is a Success Story
Morning comes faster than it should. A flashing icon tells Ryuk that a new episode of Flight Feet,フライトフィート, has been posted. He blinks his eyes open, happy that his room is slightly dark from thick curtains, and rolls to his side.
How did I get back to my bed? he wonders. His thoughts come to a halt as he recalls the Attla spider. A quick glance at the corner of his room and he sees that, at least at the moment, there are no digital spiders waiting to sink their fangs into his flesh.
He takes a breath and sits up, noticing that there is a box on his desk with the Proxima haptic gloves inside.
After a yawn, Ryuk blinks his eyes shut and begins his daily routine of checking Tritanian leaderboards. His attention falls back to Flight Feet. The blue-haired bombshell has recently finished leading her guild through Spider Skull Island. They are now outside the city of Waringtla, home to the Saiduka Giants.
A prompt from Hajime stirs his reverie.
Ryuk selects the strawberry covered honey toast and gets out of bed.
After a quick shower, most of which he spends playing a game of Pong over iNet with someone in his building, he enters the dining room area to find Hajime just finishing up on the toast.
“Did you see your Proxima Haptics? Rakuten delivered them while you were diving.”
“I sure did. I’ll deal with them after breakfast.”
“Good. Care for whipped cream?” Hajime asks, his hair pulled back into a tight bun. The humandroid wears a light blue apron with an image of Totoro on it. Pinned to the front of his apron is a button that says CHEF.
“Please, and where did you get the apron?”
“I’ve worn it before; you’ve just never noticed. I see you’ve slept well,” the humandroid says, his eyes dilating slightly.
“I did.”
He transfers the thick toast from the oven to the plate in front of Ryuk. He returns with the strawberries and whipped cream and adds it to the top.
“I made coffee for a change of pace. Care to have some?”
“Sure,” Ryuk says, just now noticing the smell of coffee. Was I really that lost in my own thoughts?
Hajime returns with a coffee and takes a seat in front of him.
“Um, are you going to watch me eat?”
“What else am I supposed to watch?” the humandroid asks. “Watching humans eat is interesting, to be honest. Some of you become quite animalistic once food is placed before you.”
With what Hajime has just said in mind, Ryuk slowly eats his toast, careful to cut each slice proportionally and making sure not to coat his face with whipped cream. He pauses before finishing the last bite. “What happened to the weapons from yesterday?”
A series of flashes come to Ryuk – Kodai holding a humgun and Gorira smashing into the apartment with a pistol; his brother falling through the coffee table; the scattering glass.
What an experience.
“I’ve put the weapons away for now.”
“In the drawer?” Ryuk looks to the drawer in question. “We may need them if he comes back.”
Hajime nods. “Yes, we may, although I have a feeling that when and if Kodai comes back, it will go poorly for both of us.”
“Then why don’t we leave? Why don’t we run?”
“Run where? It’s an odd situation we’ve found ourselves in. Your family’s men are protecting us downstairs. If they wanted to come at us, they could, right now actually. But they haven’t and they won’t. Similarly, if we leave in a way that raises suspicion, they may come after us. Then again, maybe they won’t.”
“So we are under house arrest?”
The humandroid smiles. “If we wanted to leave, I believe we could. So no, we aren’t under house arrest. I do, however, see this situation escalating.”
“I need to log in,” Ryuk says, in place of anything better to say. When in doubt, escape. There really is no other mantra for a gamer.
“And there goes your monkey mind. Like a monkey, your mind goes from tree to tree, rather than dealing with the situation at hand.”
“I’m dealing with stuff in there too, in Tritania. You, of all people, should know this.”
Hajime nods, considering what Ryuk has just said. “Okay then, what are your plans for today?”
“To get to Polynya, the second floating continent, and try to get into contact with my old guild. It’s not going to be easy. For one, there’s been an attack on the capital city of Porthos so the gates are closed.”
“And what do you hope to gain from contacting them?”
“Advice and hopefully some assistance before things really get out of hand.” Ryuk’s face hardens. “Tamana doesn’t know about NPCs being able to take humandroid bodies. I never discussed this with her when she was with us. But if the Shinigami find out, I do believe our world, this world, will be in for some real trouble.”
“I see.”
Ryuk recalls the serpent woman behind the golden door. “There are other things happening in Tritania too, which may relate to all this.”
“And so the ultimate quest becomes even more intriguing.” Once Ryuk is finished eating, Hajime looks at down at his plate. “Are you going to read your note card?”
Ryuk moves his plate to the side and flips the placemat to find a card with a phrase written on it: the most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten – breathe.
“So breathe more?” He takes a deep breath to make a point. “How’s that?”
A rare grin spreads across the humandroid’s face. “Before you log in, I’d like you to join me in the living room for ten minutes of breathing. Turn everything off. Disconnect from your world. It’s a breathing exercise.”
“Hajime … ” He stops his protest. The person just about to protest was the old Ryuk, the Ryuk that didn’t emphasize differences, the Ryuk who was weak and feeble. “Sure,” he finally says. “Give me a second to disable my iNet feed.”
(0)__(0)
That was troubling, is the only thing Ryuk can think as his avatar takes shape in their room at the Mondegreen Hostel. He had done as Hajime instructed, and he’d been able to maintain his relaxed breathing for a good five minutes until the image of Tamana came to him, hovering over him holding her ironing board of a sword.
It was too hard to concentrate after that with his “monkey mind,” as Hajime put it, running rampant in the jungle of his skull. Still, the breathing exercise was good while it lasted.
“Phew!” Ryuk shudders as the wretched stench of goblin meets his sniffer. Hiccup snores loudly, his arm hanging off the bed and the blanket barely covering his dimpled ass. After a squeaky poot, the goblin blinks his eyes open for a moment, turns, and falls back asleep.
Damn goblin, Ryuk thinks, for old time’s sake.
Hiccup has grown on him, and however vulgar he is, the goblin always seems to come through at the very last moment. And even if he can be quite critical of the guild members – Ryuk especially doesn’t like being called “emo” or “snowflake,” whatever the hell that means – Hiccup seems as if he would literally die for the Mitherfickers.
The Mitherfickers.
The guild’s stats appear and he swipes them away as he sees a flashing message from FeeTwix.
FeeTwix: He has arrived!
Ryuk: Let me guess? The room upstairs?
FeeTwix: Close, but no cigar. We’re in the lobby.
Ryuk tiptoes out of the room, careful not to wake Hiccup. He finds Zaena sitting on the couch while the Swede stands before her, twirling a staff. Jim the Hostelier is behind the front desk, reading a Hotel Managers Quarterly scrollazine.
“Isn’t that the … ?”
“Yes,” FeeTwix says, “it’s the shaman staff we got from the Tuskarr back in the Hills of Hillshire. Our very first hard fight! As you know,” he says, his eyes black as ever, “my subclass is Mystic, something which I haven’t really done anything about. My fans sent me tons of suggestions – pretty sweet stuff, really. So I figured I’d work on enhancing those skills.” He shrugs. “Or I’ll just stick to firearms. We’ll see. It is nice that all the mystic abilities are natural extensions of an avatar’s being, meaning they don’t use Mana, which is useful as fick. Speaking of fick, we let the goblin sleep in.”
“I noticed.”
“And we’re out here because of the smell in there.”
“I noticed.”
Zaena laughs. “I don’t know how I ended up in a guild with two commoners and a goblin, but as we say in Thulean, chekchek tranaikh roonana marfakh.”
“Which means?” Ryuk asks.
She thinks for a moment. “The best way to translate it would be a scar is a success story.”
“Wonderful.” FeeTwix claps his hands together. “Now, how we practiced … ”
Zaena looks him dead in his black eyes and slowly parts her lips. “I know what many of you are thinking, I know that you’re worried that Valentine’s Day is less than a week away and you have nothing, nothing, to give your sigother. Well, your problems are solved!” Her orange eyes twinkle as she crosses one leg over the other. “TwitchTube Red is partnering with the Proxima Company to offer you and your sigother matching TwitchTube Red NV visors that come with a two-year discounted streaming membership. These limited edition visors will surely be collector’s items.” She gives FeeTwix the double thumbs up. “They’re kind of cute too.”
“Great work, babe!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand and he angles it at his face. “Okay, everyone! I’m stoked to see you all here, ready to venture with us to Polynya in the next hour or so. Keep the mystic hints coming in – I want to be full-on trancing out by the end of the day! Oh, and don’t forget: I’m announcing the winner of the TwitchTube Red lifetime membership at the end of the day, so get your entries in now while I discuss a few things with the guild.”
The mirror disappears and he claps his hands together. “All right, team, how should we wake the goblin?”
Jim the Hostelier stands. “If the goblin is waking soon, I’d better have breakfast ready. And you three? What will you be having?”
“Konakhchani Rohva.”
“Ah, over easy then?”
Zaena nods.
“And what do you think your goblin companion would like?”
“No telling, but make it as greasy as you possibly can.”
“I’m sure that can be arranged.” With that, Jim promptly steps into a different room.
“So the plan,” Ryuk says. “We need to take the next airship out of here.”
“Not a problem,” says FeeTwix. “I’ve already booked one.”
“Can you go blue for a moment?”
His eyes flash blue. “They really hate it when I do that. There are close to two million people livestreaming my feed, which isn’t the largest number I’ve seen, but it’s pretty damn good.” He sighs and runs his hand through his blond hair. “They are exhausting me a bit, to be honest. But no matter. I had a full night’s rest. I’ll get over it!”
“There are several things we need to discuss, the first of which is payment to your banker friend for the loan he gave us.” Ryuk takes a seat on the arm of the couch. “We’re up about fifteen thousand rupees. I know that isn’t enough, but … ”
FeeTwix snaps his fingers.
“What did you just do?”
“Check the coffers.”
A number appears on Ryuk’s display: 75, 309. His eyes light up. “Where did you get this kind of money?”
“A check came in and I converted it to rupees.”
“A check for how many days?”
“How long have we been associates? Three or four days now?” He counts on his fingers for a moment. “Okay, there was the first day at the Hills of Hilshire. The second day in Aramis. The third day at the zombie kill-for-all and the betrayal. Okay, four days. This is the fourth day. It was a check for the ad reads and stream views from just before our first meeting to the fight last night. Do you want me to transfer the rupees to my fan?”
“Yes, please,” Ryuk says, “and if you want to keep track of guild finances, by all means. That’s a lot of rupees!”
“It won’t always be this high of a payment. TwitchTube Red included a 25% bonus for having so many unique views in such a short time.”
“I see. Well transfer it, before he-who-shall-not-be-named gets word.”
“Done. Zaena updated me on everything that happened last night. I ran a few polls from my fans and they are suggesting we land in the city of Talini. The people that inhabit that city are the same people who built the catacombs beneath Porthos. They’ll know something, although they are notoriously religious and pretty uptight.”
“Been there,” Ryuk says, recalling the people prostrating around a stupa with a square top. The Talinians would prostrate themselves for several days straight, ripping up their arms and legs.
“My guess is that we’ll likely have to do a quest for them to cough up the info we need. At least we’ll get some levels by doing so and explore Polynya, another plus. Anything else we need to discuss before I go live again?”
Ryuk moves closer to FeeTwix and speaks in a low voice. “We have sensitive information we need to protect. The Shinigami, or whoever else is trying to come to our world, doesn’t seem to know about coming through a humandroid’s body.”
FeeTwix raises an eyebrow. “I’d forgotten about that myself.”
“We didn’t tell Tamana, thankfully, but we need to be careful who we disclose this information to. Our main goal needs to be to get in touch with the Knights, and not just any of them – with their leader, Sophia.”
“We’ll get their attention,” FeeTwix says with a grin. “Just get me in the city and let me do the rest. I already have fans there willing to help out, if we want to go that route. Now, for the goblin!” His eyes flash black. “Hey, everyone! Okay, reading through some of your responses, okay, yes, good idea. Hot water? No way. The room already reeks. Leave the goblin here? Not a bad idea, but he has been useful in the past, I think.” FeeTwix looks to Zaena who shrugs.
“What the fick are you going on about, Twixy?” Hiccup stands in the doorway armored up with his golden helm tucked under his arm. His pink hair is slicked back over his head and his mechanical arm gleams as if it’s been polished. He yawns and burps at the same time, which throws him off balance.
“Hiya, Hiccup!” FeeTwix shoots the goblin his biggest shit-eating grin. “Good news! The Fickers, aka your fan club, have reached thirty-three thousand members, just like you told them to do yesterday!”
The goblin narrows his eyes at the Swede, and as he does, he brings his finger to his nose and digs around for a moment. “Come again?”
FeeTwix clears his throat. “Remember yesterday? You said you wanted thirty-three thousand members, and boy fick, here they are!”
“Boy fick? What did I tell you about stealing my line, Twixy? If the Fickers really want to impress me, they’d bring their numbers up to fifty thousand. If they really, really wanted to impress me, they’d stop watching your feed and go out there and get themselves a piece of prime cooter.”
“You heard the goblin! Bring those numbers up to fifty thousand and get yourselves some cooter!”
Hiccup pinches the bridge of his nose for a second, doing his best to hold in his early morning disdain. He points his brass finger at Jim, who has just exited the back room, and gives him the lasso signal. “Get our fickin’ breakfast to go, Jimmy. Two dozen dragon wings with garlic honey pepper spice this time. There’s an airship going out at the Morning Hour of the Faun and the captain owes me a favor. And one more thing.”
Hiccup moves his brass finger from Ryuk to Zaena to FeeTwix.
“When we find Tammy and New Marbles, I get to be the one that kills New Marbles. We clear here? Sure, our Marbles here probably wants revenge, but that kiddy ficker exploded my head and I’ll be damned if I ever die that way again! I’ve been having ficked up nightmares all night, believe you me.” His eyes flash with concern as he mumbles, “Fickin’ hell if I’d put my chalupa anywhere close to an ink shadow, and I don’t know what the fick it kept trying to do to my bunghole, but it was … Fick me, what the hell are we doing here?”
“You, um,” FeeTwix giggles.
“What? I was what?”
“You were talking about killing New Marbles then you went off on a rant regarding a weird dream you had about an ink shadow coming close to your chalupa and it doing something to your goblin hole,” Zaena says.
“The fick you say, Lizzy? Why the hell are you talking about ink shadows, chalupas and bungholes? You’re really ficked in the head, you know that? Back to New Marbles. That little marble flinging bitch’s bitch is mine.”
“Only if I get to kill Tamana,” Zaena grits.
Ryuk starts to say something, but lets the moment pass. It is useless defending Tamana, and maybe a bit stupid as well. He saw what happened, and even though he knows there may be more to the story, his guildmates are right to feel vengeful.
“Which reminds me … ” The goblin digs around in his back pocket for a moment and produces a yellowed piece of parchment. He unfolds it and walks it over to Ryuk.
“And that is?”
“Well, if you’d take a clear look at it, you’d see that it’s our new fickin’ logo.”
Ryuk takes the piece of parchment with two fingers and turns it over. Hastily drawn on the document are two skulls, each with a pair of wings. The skulls hover in the air just over the hilt of a sword facing downwards.
“Our logo?”
“Yeah, the Mitherfickers. Everyone needs a logo. Where would Horse Piss be without that picture of the big horsey dong filling a mug with beer?”
“Let me take a look at that.” A plastic glove appears on FeeTwix’s hand and he takes the parchment from Ryuk. “Always keep a pair in your list,” he says under his breath.
“Real funny, Twixy, but I’ll forget the fact that you’re being a racist fickhole. Regardless of your racial biases, what do you think of the logo?”
FeeTwix scans the drawing for a moment, letting his fans have their say. “I’m definitely down with it, but I’m still trying to figure out why you think that two skulls with wings trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword would make a good logo for the Mitherfickers.”
Hiccup’s face flashes red. “Trying to deep throat the hilt of a sword!?” He jumps up and snatches the picture out of FeeTwix’s hand. “You know, both you and Liz have your minds in the fickin’ gutter.”
Jim clears his throat. “Sirs and madam, before you start adventuring, or planning people’s deaths, or coming up with poorly thought out guild logos, I think it is important that you see something. Follow me to the greenhouse, please.”
(0)__(x)
Jim leads the four Mitherfickers through the kitchen, where they see a heavyset chef and his saucier working on Hiccup’s breakfast request. The chef flours the wings which he then hands off to the saucier, who dips them and tosses them into the frying pan.
Hiccup stops griping about the Mitherfickers logo as soon as he takes one big whiff of the dragon wings. “Hurry it up, boys! Uncle Goblin is hungry!”
“Nique ta mere!” the saucier grumbles. “Casse-toi!”
“Sheesh, what’s gotten into that frog ficker?” Hiccup asks as they step out of the kitchen and into a narrow corridor.
“He doesn’t like to be rushed,” Jim explains hurriedly, “and I would suggest you not make eye contact nor speak to him on the way back through the kitchen. He’s been known to throw his cleaver at demanding customers.”
The hostelier pulls a key from his belt and unlocks a large green door, letting light spill out into the narrow hallway.
The greenhouse faces the Bonsor River, which sparkles in the early morning sun. Herbs and other edible plants reach to the glass ceiling. The small space is incredibly humid, and as Ryuk scans it, he spots the makeshift crib in the center of the greenhouse.
Hiccup buries his head in his mechanical hand. “Dragon ficks!” His hair lifts as Zaena ruffles it with her ghost limb.
“It hatched?” Ryuk asks as he approaches the manger.
About the size of a pug, and equally fat and round, the dragon has large ruby red eyes and icy blue skin. Its wings are about the size of the dragon wings that Hiccup is set to enjoy for breakfast, and the end of its tail is barbed.
The dragon yawns, and rolls onto its other side.
Infant Ice Dragon Level 1
HP: 100/100
ATK: 3
MANA: 10
MATK: 7
DEF: 1
MDF: 4
LUCK: 0
“He’s adorable!” Zaena approaches the baby dragon, which rests on a pile of freshly cut fern leaves. The Thulean makes a cooing sound from her throat and the dragon immediately awakes, yawns again, and blows a single snowflake into the air.
“Am I the only one here who knows what raising a baby dragon entails? There are so many factors, from psychological to socio-economical,” Hiccup grumbles. “And it’s an ice dragon? We already have one fickin’ snowflake in the group – you, Marbles, I’m talking about you – we definitely don’t need another!”
“Baka,” Ryuk whispers under his breath.
“Relax, buddy! This is going to be fun!” FeeTwix claps his hand on Hiccup’s shoulder. “A baby dragon, everyone! You saw it first here on my feed!” FeeTwix gets in closer to the dragon and holds his mirror out, so they are both in the frame. “Take your pictures now!”
Jim says, “She should have fully functional wings in about a week. It will, however, take her a bit longer to be large enough to take you from continent to continent.”
Hiccup gulps. “It’s a she? Have you guys ever dealt with a female dragon in heat?” He catches Ryuk’s gaze and nods over at Zaena. “They can get pretty crazy.”
“Watch it, goblin.” Zaena’s eyes flare and then soften as she again takes in the cute dragon. “And it’s a boy,” she corrects Jim. “Hard to tell at this age.”
Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his head. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this a day ago. Let’s fickin’ sell it! An ice dragon on the black market it worth at least, at least a hundo-K rupees, at least. Twixy?”
FeeTwix shakes his head.
“Marbles?”
“Um … ”
“Dammit, you’re a pussy. Jim?”
Jim bites his lip and looks away.
“Fine, fine.”
Ryuk gets on his knees next to Zaena, who now cradles the dragon. She lifts her green finger in front of the dragon’s face and it blows a small cloud of icy mist at her. “It’s so cold,” she says as she pulls her hand away.
“Do you have experience with ice dragons?” Ryuk asks her.
“No, contrary to popular belief, or to goblins who don’t know anything about my species, Thuleans don’t have too many dragons. Royalty does, but I’m not royalty.” She makes cooing noises and the baby male dragon makes the same noise back at her.
For someone with no experience with dragons, she sure knows how to communicate with them, Ryuk thinks.
“This is very wonderful,” Jim says, his eyes filling with joy. “I’ve never heard this language communicated before!”
“Language?” Zaena looks away from the dragon. “It’s not a language. Just making baby noises! All Thuleans do this.” She turns her head to Ryuk. “You’re the leader of our guild; if we are to fully bond with this dragon, it’ll be up to you to form this bonding relationship.”
Leader? Bonding?
Ryuk nods and scoots a bit closer to Zaena. “How do I bond with him?”
“Fick me to tears,” Hiccup laments, “this gets gayer by the minute.”
“You’ve never had a dragon before?” FeeTwix asks.
“We didn’t have dragons last time around,” he tells the Swede. “We rode griffins.”
“Those things smell like fickin’ booty tang.” Hiccup digs in his nose for something, finds what he is looking for, and flicks it at FeeTwix.
“Thanks for the reminder!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand after he’s dodged the nasal projectile. “I just want to take a moment to thank everyone watching this incredible moment! The Mitherfickers are about to dragon up, and after last night’s terrible betrayal, we can use all the help we can get. Speaking of betrayal, have you ever lifted your arm to find that your deodorant isn’t working? Or maybe you’re tired of greeting people with a friendly smile and a pair of epic sweat stains!”
With one eyebrow raised, Hiccup takes a sniff at his underarm, shrugs, and lowers his arm.
“Well, if you have, Arm and Speed Stick Spice has you covered! Sweaty and unbearable? Booty tang out the wazoo? Slap on some D-O for your B-O and finish with a quick Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Freshen Up Body Spray. Got a date and didn’t have time to shower? Arm and Speed Stick Spice’s Quick Shower wipes got you covered! Okay, so you guys gotta try this stuff, and when you do, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to receive 20% off your first order. Free shipping for all online orders! Terms and conditions apply. Love you guys and remember, smell good for me.”
The goblin shakes his head. “I’m not going to say the string of curse words running through my disproportionately large brain at the moment. Let’s wrap this up, kiddos. My homie’s airship is leaving soon.”
“How do I bond with him?” Ryuk asks.
Hiccup snorts. “Fick me, Marbles, you make it too easy.”
Still cradling the baby dragon, Zaena turns it to Ryuk. “It’s simple. Just reach your finger out to him. You’ll know if he decides to bond with you or not pretty quickly.”
“And he can’t just bond with you?”
“I’m not the guild’s leader.”
Ryuk lifts his hand to the dragon’s muzzle. The creature’s eyes narrow for a moment as he suspiciously sniffs at Ryuk’s finger. He opens his mouth, and exhales a soft cloud of blue icicles.
New skill learned!
Skill: Bonding Trust
Level One: Bonding trust creates an everlasting connection between you and another creature. Higher levels allow for direct communication between you and other animals as you instantly understand their languages and demeanors.
Requirements: There are no requirements for bonding trust. This skill is tied directly to your D-NAS, digital neuronal autoconstruct system, and based on your interaction with others up until the point at which you met the creature.
“Wonderful!” Jim claps his hands together. “You’ve bonded with it!”
Ryuk turns to see FeeTwix come in closer, his eyes black as ever as his viewers take the moment in.
A bell rings in the other room, signaling that food is ready.
“Fick yeah! Later, haters.” The goblin exits leaving the three of them with the hostelier.
“What am I supposed to do with him?” Ryuk asks as he cradles the dragon.
“Well, he’ll need a name,” Jim says. “Everyone needs a name.”
“Yangukuchipatchi,” Ryuk says almost instinctively. “Yangu for short.”
“What’s it mean?” FeeTwix asks.
“It’s the name of a famous Tamagotchi.” Ryuk pets the dragon on the head. It smiles, closes its eyes, and relaxes.
“Tamagotchi?” FeeTwix’s eyes flash. “That’s a clever name!”
“Yangu, huh? I like it,” Zaena say. “Once he can fly, he’ll come to you when you call him. Until then, we’ll have to look after him. Jim, do you have a backpack of sorts?”
“No worries, babe, I have one.” A custom Voodoo Tactical Level III assault backpack with a water reservoir and the phrase #FeeTwixRox embroidered across the front in big white letters appears in the Swede’s hands. He opens it and Zaena carefully sets the dragon inside. She zips up a portion of the backpack, allowing Yangu to peek its head out the other side.
The Thulean assassin coos some more as she helps him put the backpack on. Yangu naturally rests his neck on Ryuk’s shoulder.
“You ready?” Zaena asks him.
“Sure.” Ryuk nods as a soft smile forms on his face. “Let’s grab the goblin and get to Polynya.”
Chapter 6: Chalupa vs. Churro
The four Mitherfickers quickly make their way to the south side of Aramis and its sprawling port, which is situated between a string of tributaries, the water from which flows over the continental shelf.
The ships docked in the Aramis port range in size from small fishing vessels to cruise ships, the rotating oars of which keep the ships floating in the air. A container ship with the name Maersk Alabama is currently floating into the port, the crew busy pulling up the ropes that will hold it down. Regardless of how far down the Endless Sea is, the smell of ocean is heavy in the air, the squawk of seagulls cantankerous.
Yangu makes a barking noise, briefly interrupting the seagulls above. “Shhh,” Ryuk tells the dragon as he reaches back to pet its head. The dragon’s skin is ice cold, the scales on his head smooth to the touch.
Zaena and Hiccup walk ahead of Ryuk, arguing in Thulean. The odd couple to end all odd couples, Zaena is twice Hiccup’s height, slender, and moves with the grace of a runway model. Hiccup is vertically challenged, robust, and slightly bowlegged, his walk more of a waddle.
FeeTwix, between Ryuk and the other two, busies himself by speaking to a few of his most loyal fans.
He really does care for them, Ryuk thinks, which reminds him of the reason the Swede came to Tritania in the first place – to find out what happened to Tomas, one of his earliest fans. We’ll figure this out, Ryuk thinks, and he wants to verbalize this to the Swede but, as they have before, silence and shyness get the best of him.
“Stop her!”
A female elf shoulders through the Mitherfickers, tossing Hiccup into a stand outside of a souvenir shop.
“Fick!”
A machete-wielding hairball with a distended belly turns the corner, his eyes angry and bloodshot. He raises his weapon into their air, stomps his foot and bellows, “STOP THAT THIEF!”
Before she can get any further, the elf lifts into the air like a marionette. Ryuk looks to Zaena, and she nods.
“I have her,” Zaena says as the female thief struggles to free herself.
High Elf Level 15
HP: 411/435
MANA: 251/268
ATK: 63
MATK: 78
DEF: 55
MDF: 106
LUCK: 19
A high elf? Ryuk slowly brings his marble gun out and trains it on her. FeeTwix has done the same with his SPAS-12 shotgun.
A Player Character too, Ryuk thinks, referring to the icon above her head.
The elven female’s hands begin to charge with blistering white energy.
With a pumping action, FeeTwix loads a round into his shotgun. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
A crowd has begun to form, but it isn’t as large as one would expect. This area is accustomed to street brawls, thinks Ryuk as he takes a few steps back, just to give himself some range. Proximity is important, and he quickly pops the molten black mag out of his Marble Gun and goes for his mag of sword marbles instead.
The high elf and Zaena share similar dancer bodies with thin torsos, larger hips and muscled calves. Where they differ is skin tone. Zaena’s green color is a far cry from the elf’s pallid skin tone. Her orange hair and slitted orange eyes are at odds too with the elf’s blonde locks pulled into a single large braid and the elf’s soft blue eyes.
“You’ll be coming with me, missy, and I can’t wait for my boys to have their way with you.” The hairy, machete-wielding man produces a pair of handcuffs and licks his lips. “But daddy gets to go first.”
As if on cue, Machete Man’s three sons slide to a halt behind him. The family shares the ugly gene, and it appears to get worse as they age.
The oldest brother has a braided mullet and a beard peppered with bits of dried food. The middlest brother, sporting a Captain Kangaroo hairdo, is missing an eyebrow due to a scar that runs from his forehead to his pockmarked cheeks. The youngest has yet to grow facial hair, but what he lacks in beard he makes up in missing teeth, pus-filled zits, and a harelip. All three of them have primitive swords, wooden shields, and old leather armor.
Ryuk has been around Zaena long enough now to know when her konoshlo are retracting into her back. There’s a subtle change in the way she holds her shoulders, akin to the way a person with two arms looks when they lower their arms to their sides.
She’s letting her go … Ryuk slowly aims his weapon from the female elf to the machete-wielding father and his butt fugly sons.
“Who the fick tossed me into the souvenir stand?” Hiccup pushes his way past the family of miscreants and growls when he sees the elf. “Some thief you are!” he tells the elven female, oblivious to the man directly behind him holding a machete. “Next time you run through a crowd, remember not to plow through them, rather roll off them.”
“Move it, goblin!” Machete Man growls.
Hiccup’s tomahawk appears in his mechanical hand. “Is it you who said that to me,” he says, pointing the little tomahawk at Machete Man, “or was it one of your fickin’ inbred kids? Look, boys, you see now what happens when you fick your sister after your mom had you by fickin’ her brother? Bad idea, huh? When does the chain of inbreeding end? Sad!”
Hiccup’s face morphs from anger to general confusion.
“Where the fick was I? Where’s Twixy?” He turns his back to his opponents and gives FeeTwix a big grin.
Dammit, Hiccup!
“Twixy! You won’t believe what I stole from that souvenir shop!” He produces a miniature gold statue of Empress Thun as he makes his way to the side of the Mitherfickers. “And look at the gazongas they put on this one!”
FeeTwix’s shotgun disappears and he steps forward with his shaman staff. “Not now, Hiccup.”
(0)__(0)
“I cannot allow you to take the elf,” FeeTwix says, his eyes black as a starless night. “Leave now, before this gets ugly.”
Machete Man Level 5
HP: 150/150
ATK: 36
MATK: 18
DEF: 54
MDF: 32
LUCK: 3
Piece of cake. Ryuk quickly glances at his sons’ stats to find that they are all equally leveled or lower.
“What are you going to do with that staff, part the waters?” Machete Man asks as his sons cackle behind him. “Ha! The Endless Sea is down there!” He flips the bird at FeeTwix and points it downward.
FeeTwix starts whispering some mantra as he steps forward.
“What the hell?” Machete Man asks as FeeTwix nears him.
“McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale; McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale. #FeeTwixRox at counter; #FeeTwixRox at counter. McStarbuck’s Twonicorn Frappuccino, on sale … ”
Whack!
-52 HP! Critical hit!
FeeTwix knocks the living shit out of Machete Man with the end of his shaman staff. He twists the staff, dips back on his heel into a warrior pose, releases a gut-wrenching war cry, and drives the staff into the big man’s gut.
-29 HP!
“Fick yeah, Twixy!”
Zaena brushes past Hiccup and spins forward to meet two of the three brothers with her wall of blades.
Seeing his opening, the gaseous goblin goes to meet the youngest of the bunch. His tomahawk smashes into the young man’s shield, splintering it to pieces. The youngest swings his crappy sword overhand. Hiccup sidesteps his attack and brings his ax into an exposed bit of flab sticking out of the guy’s loose leather chest plate.
-38 HP!
The Mitherfickers have this, and just to make sure that the high elf doesn’t go anywhere, Ryuk trains his marble gun on her for the second time in the last few minutes.
She glances at him, sees the weapon, and from there turns her attention to Yangu the dragon.
“You have a dragon?” she mouths.
Sure enough, Yangu’s neck is extended over his shoulder, the dragon’s gaze honed in on Zaena, who continues to toy with the two inbred brothers.
With a smile on her face, the Thulean assassin slices through space and time, giving them two small nicks and avoiding their swipes at the very last moment. Her plan comes to fruition when the biggest of the two rears back with his sword and brings it down on his brother, Zaena stepping aside just in time.
Fratricide!
She quickly takes the head of the bigger one and it flies into the stand outside the souvenir shop.
Instakill!
“Hell yeah, babe, fatality!” FeeTwix delivers the finishing blow to Machete Man around the same time Hiccup finishes bashing the youngest brother’s skull in with his tomahawk. It is a bloody, gory mess by the time the Mitherfickers have finished cleaning shop.
“Now,” FeeTwix turns to the high elf as EXP is doled out, “tell us why we just protected you.”
Hiccup immediately begins checking their corpses for loot, cursing and rattling off about Hyperborea country folk each time he comes up empty-handed.
“My name is Enway Zoltan.” The elven woman’s ears press back and she moves closer to Ryuk. “Is that really a dragon?”
“No, it’s a baby Thulean. Why the fick haven’t we killed her yet too?”
“Relax, Hiccup.”
“Just disappointed. These fickers don’t have shit!”
Zaena approaches, all but one of her swords sheathed. She sizes Enway up – she’s only a few centimeters taller than the high elf – and takes her place next to FeeTwix.
“Cheap ficks,” Hiccup laments, “where’s the family fortune?” The goblin kicks one of the bodies he’s just checked. His stomach grumbles, and an eruption from his nether cheeks quickly follows.
“You won’t find anything on them aside from a few rupees, goblin,” says Enway. “If you’re looking for their loot … ” She raises her finger to access her inventory list and thinks otherwise.
Hiccup points his tomahawk at her. “First – and I’m fickin’ serious here, people – the name is Hiccup. Spell it out with me now: H-I-C-C-U-P. Ha! You ever heard this one, Twixy? I-C-U-P, get it?” He glances to FeeTwix for approval and gets a tight nod.
“Don’t mind him,” Zaena says.
“It’d be in your best interest to mind me.” Hiccup’s tomahawk disappears and he approaches the elf with his hands outstretched. “Now if you have some loot, cough it up. Otherwise, I will personally see to it that your body is left here with the other bad hombres.” He turns to Ryuk. “These fickers were bad hombres, right?”
Enway giggles. “Where did you learn Spanish?”
“Spanish? What the fick are you going on about?”
Bad what? Ryuk considers for a moment that for an NPC, Hiccup sure uses a lot of words, either correctly or incorrectly, that even he has never heard before. Something cold brushes against his neck, interrupting his thought. “Relax, Yangu,” he whispers. The baby dragon yawns and blows a needle-thin icicle into the air.
“How cute! Can I hold it?” Enway takes a step closer to Ryuk.
“Finish answering his question first.” Ryuk nods to FeeTwix.
“Yeah,” the Swede says, “why were they chasing you? What is it you stole from them?”
“They stole from me and I stole it back from them.”
“What did they steal exactly?” Out of the corner of his eye, Ryuk sees Hiccup giving him the ‘wrap it up’ signal. The goblin points to an invisible watch, he then makes the hand gesture of a bird flying.
“We need to get to Polynya,” Ryuk says.
“And quick too!” Hiccup adds. “Captain Rehab doesn’t wait for anyone!”
“What are the odds? That’s where I was planning to go! I need to return to Katiyana, my village.” Her nearly translucent blue eyes lock onto Ryuk. “Would you guys care to join me there?”
Quest: Will you accompany Enway Zoltan to her village?
Rewards: Possible level-ups and the other benefits associated with companionship.
Risks: Typical risks associated with joining up with an unknown traveler.
With a flick of his finger, the map of Polynya pops up. Katiyana isn’t far from Porthos. The original plan was to head to Talini, but this could work too …
Ryuk fires off a message to the guild.
Ryuk: What do you think?
FeeTwix: My fans have pulled some data on her. She seems genuine. We’ll keep an eye on her.
Zaena: I’m fairly certain the catacombs connect Katiyana to Porthos, so there’s bound to be a way to the city through there.
“Fine, fine.” Ryuk accepts the quest.
Enway Zoltan, Level 15 White Mystic, has temporarily joined your guild!
“She’s part of our guild now?” The goblin turns to Ryuk and shakes his head bitterly. “I’ve said this once, and I’ll fickin’ say it again until it sticks: whatever happened to extreme vetting?”
With that, Hiccup throws his hands into the air and presses forward.
(0)__(x)
Hiccup’s relation with Captain Rehab of the Pequod offers the goblin yet another chance to prove his worth to the Mitherfickers.
As soon as they approach the ship and the captain spots them, he welcomes the goblin with open arms. Captain Rehab is a portly fellow with two peg legs, two parrots, and no hooks. That said, he does have small brooch featuring a pair of crossed hooks pinned to his lapel.
The Pequod is ramshackled and pieced together, with patched over dents in its hull, a deck in need of a good scrubbing, and a rudder that flaps in the wind like the tail of a fifteen-year-old pooch.
The private suite given to the Mitherfickers, however, is “the cleanest on the ship” according to Captain Rehab, and he isn’t far off. The suite is comfortable and clean, with a hint of lemon in the air.
Ryuk takes a seat on a bench beneath a porthole and Enway soon joins him. He places the backpack containing Yangu between them, and she goes to town cuddling and tickling the baby ice dragon.
Meanwhile, Hiccup sets up shop at a table at the far end of the room with his partner in crime, FeeTwix. Zaena joins them, taking a seat on FeeTwix’s lap.
“Get your jewelry out,” Hiccup announces. “You too, Marbles.”
“I don’t have any jewelry,” he reminds the goblin.
“Like fick you do. A nancy boy like yourself probably has a toe ring, at the very least.”
Ryuk clenches his fists together.
“Whatever, suit yourself. What about you, Elfy?”
“The name is Enway, goblin.”
“The name is Hiccup, Elfy,” he growls. “We clear here? Or do I need to spell it out again?”
Enway gives Ryuk a pained expression.
“He grows on you, trust me,” Ryuk assures her.
“Sorry, Hiccup, fresh out of jewelry.” With that, Enway returns her attention to the baby dragon. “You’re a cutie, yes you are!”
“For fick’s sake.” A pair of cards appears in Hiccup’s mechanical hand. “What about you, Twixy? You got anything?”
George the Fourth’s State Diadem appears on the table. The crown is covered in over 1,000 diamonds, all of them Proxima cubic zirconia. Of course, Hiccup doesn’t know this. He’s practically drooling on the crown as he snatches it from the Swede and turns it over in his hands.
“This is fickin’ beautiful, Twixy!” Hiccup places the crown on his head. “Fick you, Liz. I’m king around here. Take your reptilian ass below deck!”
Zaena pinches Hiccup’s cheek with her ghost limb and he cries out in pain.
“Fick, that stings!”
“Viewer surge!” A mirror appears in FeeTwix’s hand while Hiccup tries on the crown. “Hey peeps, speaking of diamonds, if you’re into conflict-light diamonds, check out De Beers latest collection! What’s conflict-light, you ask? These diamonds are mined in areas that have 50% less conflict than other parts of Africa! What says ‘goodbye life savings’ better than a diamond? De Beers is proud to offer fans of my channel 3% off at checkout and free shipping, just mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout. Don’t forget – they now sell high quality cubic zirconia pieces too! A jeweler can’t even tell the difference on these ones!”
“Wait a fickin’ minute … ” Hiccup removes the diamond studded crown from his head and examines it for a moment. His pulls his toe knife from the shiv on his belt and points it at FeeTwix. “You tryin’ to pull a fast one on me, pretty boy?”
FeeTwix looks to Zaena and they both laugh. “That’d be such a funny fight,” Zaena says, practically beside herself. “You’d kill him nine times before he could even jab at you with that pathetic little knife!”
“I already have my weapon out, Liz.” Hiccup stabs the toe knife into the table so it sticks vertically out of its surface. He tosses the crown to the floor. “If we’re going to play this game, I want some real jewelry.” He looks the Thulean over for a moment. “Howzabout your necklace, the one from that other world?”
“Unigaea,” Ryuk says. “The necklace is from Unigaea.”
“Sounds like a good name for a nancy boy club. Necklace or no game, Liz.”
“Fine,” Zaena says, suddenly growing combative.
She whips off the necklace given to her by FeeTwix, which was a hand-me-down from Hiccup. As she dangles it in the air above the goblin’s head, Ryuk recalls the two gnomes in Kayi who gave it to them..
“What do you wager, goblin?” asks Zaena.
“Are they always this tense?” Enway rocks the baby dragon in her arms, tickling its belly.
“Yes, but I can never tell if they’re playing or not.”
A jewelry box appears on the table. “How’s that?”
The jewelry box floats off the table as Zaena examines it with her konoshlo. “This … is ancient.”
“Fick yes it is, and some poor sap is going to be missing it once they respawn in Kayi, but that’s beside the point.”
The thought strikes Ryuk. If Hiccup stole both items during the zombie outbreak in Kayi, that means … Ryuk chuckles to himself. The damn goblin.
“What about you, Twixy, whatchoo got?”
“Fine, fine. I have something that I think you especially will find valuable.”
“Better be shiny.”
FeeTwix turns his palm around and a small, wooden horse pixilates into shape.
“A horse toy?” Hiccup glances at the toe knife. “Do we need to go over this again?”
“Not any horse. Remember this one, from when we faced off against the ink shadow?”
“Nope, and fick ink shadows. You know how I feel about those fickers.” The goblin plays his best poker face. “You got me, Twixy. What’s with the horse toy?”
“If there is magic at play, the horse’s mane will melt away.”
Hiccup’s eyes go wide. “You mean like … like it is now?”
The three of them turn to Enway. Zaena is the first to have her swords up.
“I just wanted you guys to get along better,” Enway says, her eyes completely white. She still holds Yangu, who is oblivious to the fact that Zaena has pulled her weapons.
“No mystic shit, Elfy,” Hiccup says, Frank’s toe knife in his hand.
“So this is mystic magic,” FeeTwix mumbles. His eyes flash as he reads messages from his closest fans. “It’s similar to mind magic but more … spiritual.”
Enway’s eyes return to their natural blue color. “Sorry. It was just a little spell I’ve been playing with that makes people feel lighthearted.”
Zaena nods and returns her focus to the game. FeeTwix does the same after holding Enway’s gaze a moment longer.
“Whoopty-fickin’-doo. Let’s get this party started.” Hiccup stabs his toe knife back into the table. “You should be sorry, damn near ruined a game of Three Cards. Also, I need you two to get out some knives.”
Zaena produces a throwing knife and FeeTwix produces his mutant hack Bowie knife.
“How’s this, Hiccup?”
“Fine, Twixy, let’s just get started.” Hiccup flutters his finger along his neckline. “I really, really am hoping for a new necklace.”
(x)__(x)
The most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten – breath. Ryuk remembers Hajime’s oblique quote as he thinks about the mystic class. Tamana was a White Mystic in her previous incarnation, but like FeeTwix, she ended up focusing on her main class more. It appears that Enway may be different.
“I’m checking the deck again,” FeeTwix says.
“You’ve already fickin’ checked it twice!”
“You’ve also won twice.”
“Yeah, but we’re not playing for keepsies yet! Lighten up, Twixy.”
Zaena throws her head back and laughs.
“Sheesh, Liz, keep your cackle below two hundred decibels.”
The game of Three Cards is goblin logic in a nutshell. First, you take all the even cards and Queens out of the deck. Jacks count as eleven and Kings as thirteen. The two Jokers in a deck clear out all the cards currently in play.
The players take turns placing cards side by side. As soon as the combined total of cards in play adds up to a number divisible by three, the first player to stab their knife on the last card in play gets all the cards. If the first card is a three, it doesn’t count. If you run out of cards, you lose. If you win all the cards, you win. If you lose a hand, you lose.
The game, while incredibly dangerous, is also incredibly loud. It’s also known to ruin a new table relatively quickly.
“Another thing,” Hiccup says. “If I win bigly, we are reopening the discussion about our guild’s logo.”
“Oh?” Ryuk asks.
“I’m thinking of a tattoo on my arm, hell, maybe my forearm. Now that I’m no longer a security guard and don’t need to keep to a formal attire, I can get all the tats I want.”
FeeTwix grins. “Which arm?”
“What the fick kind of question is that, Twixy? The only arm I have, not the steamed up mechanical monstrosity you handed down to me. And another thing – this mechanical arm warms up the side of my body if I keep it at my side. I think it’s fickin’ with my digestion.” He releases a cloud of evidence and sighs. “See what I mean?”
“Did he just fart?” Enway is still next to Ryuk, but she has since returned the sleeping baby dragon to Ryuk’s backpack.
Rather than answer, Ryuk pops open the porthole. The fresh air does little to cut the peppery stench from the little cabin, but it was worth a shot.
“Where are you from, up there?” Enway asks as the other Mitherfickers return to their game of Three Cards.
“Japan. You?”
“Ooo! I’ve been to Japan. Are you from Tokyo or, um, what’s the other famous place?”
“Tokyo, and there are many famous places. Where are you from?”
“Mexico City.”
“In Mexico, huh?”
“No, Ryuk,” Hiccup calls over, “Mexico City, Texas. Of course Mexico City is in Mexico. Or is Texas part of Mexico? No? It was, though, right? Fick, I hate cowboys. I’m sorry, Elfy, he’s way less cultured than me.”
She giggles and Ryuk feels his face go red with embarrassment. The thunk from a knife stabbing into the table disrupts his thoughts.
“Fickin’ cheater, Twixy!” Hiccup grabs his toe knife and points it at the Swede.
“Cheating? How the hell am I cheating? Three plus one plus three plus five is twelve!”
“You are supposed to let me play the last card before you stab the table!”
“You did play the last card, Hiccup!”
Zaena cracks up again.
“Shut your mouth, Liz, unless you’d like your boyfriend to lose his chalupa!”
Enway turns slowly to Ryuk. “Chalupa?”
“It’s what he calls his penis.”
Enway bursts out laughing. “You are the funniest goblin I’ve ever met!”
Hiccup, still with his knife trained on FeeTwix, turns to Enway and grins. “Go on ... ”
“You call your dick a chalupa!”
“And?”
“Do you even know what a chalupa is? How do I explain … ” She thinks for a moment and says, “A chalupa is a fried tortilla in the shape of a boat with a spicy filling. If anything, it is the exact opposite of a penis.”
“Are you saying that my chalupa is … ?”
“You should call it a churro!”
Hiccup slowly turns his knife from FeeTwix to Enway.
It’s FeeTwix’s turn to crack up as his fans send him pictures of chalupas and churros. “Ah, I get it now! A churro is like a long cinnamon stick that looks way more like a dick than a chalupa.”
“What the bloody fick is going on here!?”
“See for yourself, Hiccup!”
“Holy fick! I’ve had it wrong this entire time.” He gnaws on his lip for a moment and considers this. “Nope, alternative facts. Not gonna buy it, assholes. I know fake news when I see it. Anyone can generate some art featuring a churro and a chalupa. Hell, even my inbred-ass cousin Spew Gorge can do that.”
Ryuk drops his head in his hand and Enway laughs.
“Keep it to yourself, Elfy.”
“You could actually fit a churro in a chalupa, if that helps you better understand your confusion,” she offers.
“What the fick ever. Fake news. Shuffle the desk, Twixy. Liz, keep your ghost limbs to yourself.”
Chapter 7: The Bronze Crystal Super Package
Surprisingly, no one loses a hand or a chalupa in the hour it takes to fly from Aramis to the continent of Polynya. The game of Three Cards ends abruptly after Hiccup accuses FeeTwix and Zaena of ganging up on him, and forfeits, and since he forfeits, everyone keeps the item they wagered: Hiccup his jewelry box, Zaena her Unigaean necklace, and FeeTwix his wooden horse.
All portholes in the small cabin are now open, a testament to the power of Hiccup’s potent flatulence. Ryuk can see that the ship is lowering, and the creaking sound of the oars powering it makes him question the ship’s craftsmanship.
Because of the blockade, the Mitherfickers are forced to land in a city known as Clim, west of the capital city of Porthos. Ryuk has visited the city once before, which is known for the friendly deer that populate the place. Unlike the other deer in Tritania, the deer in Clim will eat out of your hand. There’s also a popular zoo in Clim which contains some of the rarest animals in the world, including a tame land dragon that is available for rides and a tardigrade petting zoo.
“This way,” Enway says as soon as they’ve exited the ship.
Ryuk feels a tug on his sleeve.
“You sure I can’t stay back and pound some drorikh and later some orc chippies with Captain Rehab?” Hiccup rubs his grubby hands together.
“I never said you couldn’t.”
“Someone needs to be the role model for the guild. Fick, with the vain Swede, touchy Thulean, and your emo ass, not to mention the fact we now have a snowflake of an elf fond of alternative facts, there is absolutely nobody for any of you kiddos to look up to. Guess I’ll stick around.”
“And you’re the role model?”
“I’m the hero you fickers deserve, not the hero you need.”
Ryuk shakes his head and Yangu wakes. The ice dragon looks down at Hiccup, pulls its neck back, and fires a cold blast at the goblin’s head.
“Fick!” Hiccup pats his head to make sure his pink hair is still intact.
FeeTwix laughs as he wraps his arm around Zaena’s waist. He kisses her on the cheek and she smiles softly.
“We will need to get a wagon if we hope to get to Katiyana by nightfall.”
“When the fick did we agree that we were going to Katiyana?” Hiccup asks.
“That’s why she joined us,” Zaena reminds him. “Also, we talked about it in the ship, after you left to go to your ‘safe space’ after being ‘cheated,’ as you put it.”
“You two were cheating,” he says bitterly, “and I didn’t go to my safe space. I went to the latrine, or whatever the hell the bathroom is called on a ship.”
“You’ll love Katiyana,” Enway calls over her shoulder. “It’s a quaint mountainside village. So pretty at night, especially with all the stars.”
“I fickin’ hate elves, those hoity toity high and mighty fickers,” Hiccup grumbles. “Drows, I can get down with, but fick high elves.” His expression suddenly changes as a sly grin spreads across his face. Again, he tugs at Ryuk’s sleeve. “You don’t think there’s a whorehouse there, do you? ‘Cause that’s something I can totally get behind! Get it?”
Hiccup snorts at his own crude joke and Ryuk pulls his arm away. He steps to the front of the group, and keeps quiet as Enway leads them past a small roadside stand manned by a short gnome with a long white beard and Buddy Holly glasses.
“Hey!” the gnome calls after them.
He reaches his hand around and beats it on the front of his stand. “Young adventurers! Slayers of dragons, um, never mind that last part! Yes! Yes! Yes! Rescuers of the imprisoned and handsome commoners! Goblins galore, do I have a deal for you!”
Zaena stops and the short gnome’s eyes lock onto her Unigaean necklace. “Me-oh-my-oh-me, it’s really a piece of Olivas, isn’t it? Marvelous!”
Ryuk quickly reads the sign on top of the gnome’s stand: Marty the Gnome’s Overland Tours. He glances at Enway and she shrugs. “Works for me.”
“Works for you? Not yet I don’t! I must prove my worth, young adventurers! Please, allow me … ” Marty the Gnome hops off a stool and comes around to the front of his stand. “I’ll start with admiring your necklace, Thulean beauty.”
Zaena smiles. “It was a gift.”
“A gift from Unigaea,” he says as a memory sweeps over his face. “I am from Unigaea, I’ll have you know. I came here several years ago. I love Polynya, mind you, but one can never forget their homeland.”
Hiccup takes two steps closer to the gnome, sizing him up. He’s two heads taller than the immiNPC and at least two sizes larger.
“And this chic goblin. What might I ask is your name?”
“Chic?”
“Chic! A great name!”
Hiccup bares his teeth. “The name is Hiccup.”
“Short for Hiccupanaratapana, correct?”
Hiccup’s snarl turns into a slight grin. “Yes, that’s … that’s my full name.”
“And may I say, I love what you’ve done with your pink hair, neat arm too. And you, marble slinger, put your hood on and let me see how cool you look.”
Ryuk gives him a funny look.
“I’m waiting,” Marty the Gnome says, his voice pitching up.
“Don’t keep the man waiting, Marbles.”
“Fine.” Ryuk pops his brown hood up and quickly pulls it back down.
“Astounding! And you, the black-eyed blondo hero of the group, put ‘er there!”
Marty and FeeTwix bump fists. “Pleasure to meet you, Marty!”
“The pleasure is all mine. Ah yes, finally we come to the elf, a tall and beautiful elf if I’ve ever seen one! With luscious locks and pointed ears and skin the color of cream, you must be, without a shadow of a doubt, royalty.”
Zaena’s smile shatters and she covers it by looking away.
“Just any old elf,” Enway says, kicking at the ground.
“Why good! Good! And you are in need of transportation, are you not? Might I suggest Sulitlana, where you will find the most delectable treats? We could also head to Talini, if you’d like to see ancient Tritanian culture in practice. How about Naklan, home of the infamous game of Natty Dread!”
Hiccup whips his finger out of his nose. “Fick no! You see this tin can of an arm? This is what happens when you play Natty Dread, that or you lose your chalupa.”
“Churro,” Enway corrects him.
“Ah, then I know the perfect place for you, Hiccup, a city to the far east called Bluwid, which is a goblin hotspot, as I’m sure you know!”
“Second only to a goblin wetspot!” Hiccup chortles at his own joke and Marty joins him.
“Okay, okay, enough silly talk, let’s talk business. I’m going to be honest with you five because I like you. I love the diversity, from a goblin to an elf to a Thulean to a couple of pretty standard commoners.”
“Pretty standard?” Ryuk asks under his breath.
“And the ice dragon! How can I forget that cute little ice dragon. You guys have some quest ahead of you, I’m sure, which is why I think we should start with my very best tour package, the Diamond Platinum Plus Package, which gets you passage to any city in Polynya aside from Porthos as it is closed down, but including Waringtla, the Saiduka giant city. This all-inclusive package includes complete protection against any enemy forces, a covered wagon with an open bar inside, a full body massage, as well as a Unigaean lullaby that will put you to sleep immediately, so you awake in the new city well rested.”
“The cost?” Hiccup asks, suddenly growing suspicious.
“For you five, the cost is significantly cheaper than the other adventurers I meet. I love the diversity, like I said, but let’s not talk cost first, let’s talk needs.”
“No, let’s talk cost, Marty,” FeeTwix says, taking the lead. His eyes flash blue and he offers the gnome a smile. “We’ll start there, then we’ll get to needs.”
“The cost is a low, a very low, forty-five thousand rupees after a ten percent diversity and inclusion discount.”
Zaena gawks at the cost. “For passage to any city? We could walk to the next city for free!”
“But my dear! There are all sorts of enemies that, ahem, adventurers under level twenty will not be able to face. That said, there are two more exciting packages I can offer.”
“Or we can find another wagon.” Enway nods to a few more wagons down the way with their drivers out front, calling out costs.
“By the Empress’ impressive stature and humorous musings! Those wagons?” He laughs. “Paltry, pathetic, pacifistic drivers who, by the way, actually work with many of the bandits that frequent the wagon paths. So sure, go check their prices, be my guest.”
“Enough with the fickin’ shilling, gnome, what’s your next package?”
Marty the Gnome takes off his glasses, wipes something off the lens, and returns them to his face. “My next package is a dang good deal if I do say so myself! The Silver Ruby Bonus Package is similar to the Diamond Platinum Plus Package in the sense that it provides transport to any city in Polynya, aside from Porthos. This package includes protection from enemies as well as a covered wagon, but it doesn’t include any of the amenities of the Diamond Platinum Plus Package.”
“Got it, got it,” Hiccup places his hand on his toe knife. “The cost. How about starting with the cost.”
“A low, low price of thirty thousand rupees,” Marty says. “With a diversity discount of three thousand rupees.”
“Fick no, I could buy a new arm for that price, Marty. What’s your most affordable package?”
“Ah, the pleasant peasant package, as we like to say around here.” He glances around and laughs as if others are joining him. “The Bronze Crystal Super Package includes transportation to anywhere on Polynya, aside from Porthos. The wagon is not covered, and no protection is given. The cost is eight thousand rupees.”
“Done.” FeeTwix claps his hands together. “We can provide our own protection!”
“Are you sure? There are Magic Gorgers along the way. They don’t always come out, but when they do, it can be quite terrible.”
“Pfft! It’ll be a cold day in the Goblin Riviera when I’m afraid of a Magic Gorger. Any way you can throw the massage in there for 2k more?” Hiccup squeezes his trapezius. “I think I fickin’ slept wrong, that or bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders has finally paid its toll.”
“Not in this package, I’m afraid.” Marty turns from them to ready the wagon. “But I’m sure one of your guildmates would be happy to give you a massage!”
(0)__(0)
As the Mitherfickers ride in their uncovered wagon towards Katiyana, Ryuk turns his backpack around and admires Yangu. He’s been so distracted since getting him, or bonding with him, that he hasn’t really had a chance to just look the baby ice dragon over.
Yangu’s blue skin tone lightens as it moves from his head, arms and back to his stomach. His scales aren’t yet sharp, especially the ones on the back of his neck, and his ruby red eyes are nearly shiny enough for Ryuk to make out his reflection.
The baby dragon coos as Ryuk touches his muzzle. It blows out a single snowflake, which melts before it can reach Ryuk’s face.
He sits closest to the driver, Marty, and next to him is Enway. Across from them are FeeTwix, Zaena, and Hiccup, who is currently using FeeTwix’s mirror to make sure his pink hair looks okay.
I wonder how long it will last. Ryuk thinks back to his botched Simple Request that gave the cantankerous goblin his pink topknot. His thoughts then move to his clear marbles, the wild card marbles, and if there will ever be a way to better utilize them.
A time marble would be helpful, and he’s been lucky enough to get several of those through his clear marble, but some of the other things the clear marbles have done, such as increasing his enemy’s attack power, make him wary these days of using them.
His sword marbles, black marbles, and molten marbles all seem to do the trick, leaving little to chance. And maybe that is the best strategy for him going forward, short and sweet, black and white. Eliminate the chance of failure.
Ryuk tunes back in to what Enway is telling the group.
“ … That’s why those men were after me, because I stole this.” She brandishes a little metal heart with gears inside. “It’s a mechanical heart. They stole it from this dealer who specializes in items from Steam, and I stole it from them. Pretty sure it’s worth something.”
“Thieving from a bunch of inbred thieves,” Hiccup murmurs. “I like it!”
“And what do you do with the artifacts that you steal?” Zaena still hasn’t warmed up to Enway, and Ryuk senses that it’ll be a while before she trusts any newcomers to their group.
“I run a rare artifact shop in Katiyana,” she says, “and I don’t steal everything. Lots of the stuff I find, other things I buy, and still other things I trade for.”
“Any weapons in your shop?” FeeTwix asks.
“None at the moment, but I recently traded a Metal Chocobo for a Cape Feather, which seems to be broken as I’m not able to fly when I equip it – but anyway, yeah, sorry. No weapons. There aren’t a lot of weapons in the town, mainly due to our ability to perform magic, none of which seems to have any effect on the wolf.”
“The wolf?” the Swede asks.
She hesitates before she says, “We have a wolf.”
“Just one?” Hiccup asks.
“Yes, just one, but it is a big one, I’m talking pony-sized here, and it has been terrorizing the town mostly for food.”
FeeTwix and Ryuk trade glances. FeeTwix asks, “And the elves aren’t able to stop it?”
“Not yet. High elves are high elves for a reason.”
“And that reason is?”
“Well, in Tritania, it means we mostly stick to nonlethal magical classes, like white magic or mystic. There are a few other incarnations, but you get the picture. Plus, and this is a big plus, everyone is scared of it.”
“And pussy poofters can’t kill a fickin’ wolf?” Hiccup laughs. “That’s about the most pathetic thing I’ve heard all week, and remember, I’m in a guild with a dude that shoots marbles.”
“Quiet, Hiccup!”
“Easy, kid, I’m just fickin’ with ya.”
“It’s a big wolf,” Enway says, her face hardening.
“The big bad wolf comes to town and suddenly all the little Keebler elves are pissin’ their pants. SAD!” Hiccup slaps his leg with his mechanical hand, winces as he realizes he’s hit himself too hard, and goes about rubbing the spot he’s just slapped to alleviate the pain.
“Let’s go, boys!” Marty the Gnome flicks the reins on the two shire horses pulling the wagon and they pick up their pace.
“Rid the town of the wolf, huh? It sounds like something we’d be able to do,” FeeTwix says.
Ryuk agrees with him. “We need to get to Porthos. We originally thought we’d see what we could do in Talini. I’m sure they have access to the catacombs, but Katiyana does as well.”
Enway’s brow furrows and she bites her bottom lip.
“It’s possible, right? We can use the catacomb entrance in your village, can’t we?”
“Access to the catacombs from Katiyana isn’t something that is ever granted to outsiders,” she says firmly.
“Well, if we kill the big bad wolf you elves are too lily-livered to handle yourself, I’d fickin’ bet my chalupa that everyone, including all the haters ‘cause lord knows there are a ton of haters in Elftown, will consider us heroes, which trumps the ‘outsider’ moniker.”
Enway cracks again. “Really, calling it a chalupa just sounds so strange. Where did you learn Spanish?”
“I don’t speak Spanish,” Hiccup growls, “I speak Mexican.”
“Mexicans speak Spanish.”
Hiccup raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that?”
“Have you ever even seen a map of our world, Hiccup?” FeeTwix asks.
The goblin blinks his eyes rapidly. “What was that? What are we talking about? Shit, I’m thirsty.” He equips a healing potion and starts unscrewing the cap.
“Faker!” Zaena points at Hiccup’s face. “You know exactly what we’re talking about!”
“Jeez, Liz, get off my sack already, and no, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Ever heard of the Tritanian Disability Discrimination Act? You’d better read up, ‘cause fickin’ with someone with early onset Goblinheimer’s is a form of discrimination. So watch it, or lawyer the fick up, Lizzy!” He guzzles the healing potion and throws the bottle out of the wagon.
“No littering!” Marty calls out.
Zaena laughs. “You lying sack of goblin shit. You know exactly what FeeTwix asked you.”
“Maybe I did, but I don’t now because we started arguing. Okay, so I was faking, you got me. Fine. But seriously. What the hell were we just talking about?”
“I’ll show him a map of the world, our world,” FeeTwix says, and before he can lift his finger to access his list, one of Marty’s horses neighs, rears back, and shits himself as a large black ghoul swoops over the wagon.
“Fick me!” Hiccup screams like a sissy and tries to crawl under the seats. “Magic Gorgers!”
The gorger cries out like a banshee, its face a visage of pain and suffering as it comes back in towards the wagon.
FeeTwix leaps out of the moving cart, hits the ground, rolls once, and comes up with a R201 Carbine. The stock goes in his armpit and he unleashes a hail of bullets at the flying wraith. Another wraith appears and once his mag is spent, FeeTwix tosses it aside and quickly goes for another.
“Whoa! Whoa!” The horses neigh and kick their feet as Marty tries to get hold of them. “Stop shooting your damn alien weapon!”
From her place in the wagon, Zaena tries to swipe the Magic Gorgers out of the air with her swords.
Hiccup screams again. “Fick me, Liz, you’re going to take someone’s head off!”
Rather than respond, she steps onto the goblin’s body and up to the bench to give herself more leverage.
“Hey!” Hiccup shouts as she springboards off his body and out of the wagon, performing an advanced display of aerial swordsmanship. The Thulean performs a superhero landing, and her limbs whip into the air as she goes for her patented blade-nado.
“Stay here!” Ryuk shouts to Enway.
“Fick!” Hiccup cries as a Magic Gorger shrieks past his face. “This isn’t the time to be a hero, Marbles!”
“I can heal you guys,” Enway says, “just keep fighting!”
“Fick no! That’s what they’re searching for. They’re Magic Gorgers, they thrive off magic power!”
Ryuk strains to hear her reply over FeeTwix’s deafening metal percussion. The Swede finishes his mag and takes cover for a moment so he can go for a new weapon.
“What about your slingshot?” Enway yells.
“Fick, Marbles, you’re a magic user too, you dimwit!” The goblin looks up at him with panicked eyes. “But do something, kid, because … fick! Ghosts!”
Another shrieking ghoul flies overhead followed a blazing green trail of energy. FeeTwix has a Proton Pack on his back now, and is trying to blast the Magic Gorger with a weapon Ryuk has never seen before.
The Gorgers are fast, and as more start to arrive, it becomes increasingly apparent that nothing the Mitherfickers fling at them is going to stick. Ryuk again goes for his Marble Gun, only to have it swiped down by Hiccup.
“What part of they’re magic gorgers do you not understand, Marbles!? They … thrive … off … magic!”
FeeTwix dodges a Magic Gorger and leaps behind a small mound of dirt. He comes back up with a BT X-42 Heavy Flamethrower and attempts to toast the swooping wraiths. The Swede burns through the tops of the trees as he trails two of the deathly ghouls.
“Enough!” Marty the Gnome hops down from his seat and walks around to the back of the wagon. “You were smart not to use any magic,” he nonchalantly tells Ryuk and Enway, who are still ducking down to avoid the wraiths. “Had you used magic, these creatures would have eaten you from the inside.”
Why’s he so casual? Ryuk thinks as a terrifying Magic Gorger comes inches away from his face, gnashes its teeth, and continues on.
“Now, are you ready to upgrade to the Silver Ruby Bonus Package?” Marty asks over the mayhem. “The diversity discount no longer applies – sorry, time sensitive – but I could keep the cost at thirty thousand rupees because I’m not able to cover the wagon remotely, nor do I have time to set up the open bar. How does that sound?”
Another ghoul passes in front of him and Hiccup fires off a squealer.
“Fine!” Ryuk coughs as he’s enveloped by a spicy goblinic aftermath.
“Transfer money first, then the enemies will be dealt with!” Marty places his hands behind his back and smiles smugly. “Sorry, business is as business does!”
“I’ll fickin’ kill him!” Hiccup scrambles to get out of the wagon but Ryuk and Enway hold him back. A Magic Gorger spins just above Hiccup’s head, and he screams out and drops another trouser bomb that can be heard over the screeching gorgers, Zaena’s swordplay, and whatever weapon FeeTwix is currently firing.
“Yoooooy!” Hiccup cries out in anguish at his painful flatulence.
“Fuck!” Ryuk can damn near taste the peppery dragon wing stench that now befouls the air. Enway starts to gag and it’s not long before she’s ralphing over the other side of the wagon.
“Feetwix!” Ryuk cries out. “Transfer thirty thousand to Marty now! NOW! He’ll handle the gorgers!”
FeeTwix lowers some advanced shooting iron. “You sure?” he calls over the schwing of Zaena’s swords.
“Do it, dammit!”
Marty’s face suddenly lights up. “Good!” The gnome shoots Ryuk the thumbs up and takes a few steps away from the wagon.
“What the fick is he doing?” Hiccup asks, his lip quivering. “We’re all gonna die! And did you dumbficks actually pay him thirty thousand rupees? Do you know how much Wizardous–?”
His budding diatribe is interrupted when Marty begins to unhinge his jaw and stretch it away from his face. The gnome’s friendly eyes roll back into his head and he puts both hands on either side of his cheeks and opens his mouth until he can no longer stretch his hands wide.
“What in the actual fick!?”
Marty spreads his legs wide, curls his body backwards, and after a thunderous exhale, he begins sucking in air rapidly. The Magic Gorgers closest to Marty zip into his mouth, and soon, a whirling vortex has opened before the gnome, as everything is sucked into his waiting maw.
The air whips all around the Mitherfickers.
FeeTwix has to hold onto one of the trees he’s scorched not to be sucked up. Zaena stabs two swords into the ground and uses all her strength to keep from being ripped away from the soil. Hiccup covers his head with his smallest shield and Enway grabs onto Ryuk’s arm, anchoring herself for dear life.
Dirt, rocks, twigs, and small woodland creatures continue to be sucked into Marty’s gaping mouth until finally he starts to close his jaw. The Magic Gorgers gone, the gnome licks his lips, burps, and turns back to his wagon.
“Good,” he tells the group as he brushes his hands together. “Now let’s get to Katiyana!”
Chapter 8: Pink Salon
Kodai’s aerosSUV lands on top of his pink salon, Jan Hinamaru, which is located on the outer rim of Roppongi. What better place to attract customers than Toyko’s vibrant club district?
Aside from the usual haunts of the water trade like Shinjuku and the area southeast of Ueno Station, the outer rim of Roppongi has taken off over the last twenty years, especially as Japanese sex trade managers relaxed their self-imposed ban against gaijins.
As it turns out, there’s a lot more money to be made by opening all the otherworldly Japanese sex offerings to foreigners. From cuddle bars to delivery health services, Japan’s sex trade has become a multibillion dollar affair, fueled by globalization and faster modes of travel.
All of which is good news for Kodai and his family’s operations.
The young Yakuza crime lord waits for Tesla to give him the go ahead. The lean humandroid bodyguard now wears a slim-fitting trench coat to better hide her weapons. She’s still in her MercSecure outfit, which is tight and form-fitting yet made from a special type of non-Newtonian fluid.
It is a cloudy day, chilly too, and as aeros pass above them, Kodai senses that it may sleet later. Prompted by his thought, the weather forecast appears on his iNet screen next to the icon of a kawaii cloud that grimaces as sleet falls from its body.
“Kodai.” The door guy, ape-like with slicked back hair, bows long and respectfully. Behind him is a holoscreen showing which girls are on offer. Of the six currently at the pink salon, only two are available, Aimi and Kotomi.
Since they are the only two available, their images are the only ones moving on the holoscreen. Aimi, in a reflective silver bikini top, opens her mouth wide, showing the back of her teeth. She licks her soft lips, winks, and blows a kiss.
The other girl, Kotomi, bends just enough to show the bottom of her ass cheeks. The video cuts to a close-up of her mouth and lips. The camera pulls back, allowing the viewer to see the top of her ample tits.
The sign advertises the cost for the double service, which consists of two women working in shifts over the span of thirty minutes. It’s a long blowjob, but this type of service is pretty much standard across the pink salon landscape of Japan. Most men blow their wad during the first ten minutes anyway, and a few of the more vigorous ones are able to blow a second by the thirty minute mark.
Kodai looks to Tesla’s face. The humandroid is expressionless as she waits for him to pass in front of her.
Good, he thinks, because the oddity that is a pink salon only gets stranger.
Having grown up in Japan, but spent several years in America, Kodai now has a new perspective of his homeland, even with the fact that his businesses are a thriving part of the oddities that a typical foreigner would find strange or perverse.
She’s not a foreigner, he reminds himself, but damn if she doesn’t look like one with her features, though.
He’s been trying not to gawk at Tesla all morning. She seems so real, everything about her is identical to a regular human aside from her eyes. Tesla scans people she meets and as she does so, her eyes dilate big and black.
If it weren’t for that, and the fact that he has paid for her and knows what she is, Kodai would assume she’s human.
He walks down a stairwell with liquor and pollute advertisements flashing on the wall.
A particular Suntory Whiskey ad catches his eye, an ad in celebration of their former televised commercial ads. It’s a clever marketing scheme: piece together your old marketing campaigns to remind the public just how long you’ve been at it.
The names of the foreigners that have advertised for Suntory appear in katakana next to their pictures – Sean Connery, Bill Murray, Francis Ford Coppola, Sammy Davis Jr. – before the collection of clips switches to people who have become famous over the last thirty years, from Korean pop stars to Chinese actresses.
~~Celebrate whiskey. Celebrate Suntory.~~
The commercial ends as they hit the second floor.
Kodai walks into a dimly lit room filled with slurping sounds. He sees the back of the first man, a Japanese native, who sits on a couch while a woman on her knees goes at it. The man faces another couch also turned backwards, where another man gets the same treatment, his face filled with ecstasy.
This one finishes with a groan, and once he’s done, the woman stands and walks to a little sink behind a thick curtain and flicks the water on.
Kodai stops for a moment, watching the topless woman add toothpaste to her toothbrush and quickly go to work on her teeth. Meanwhile, the door on the other side of the room opens and another woman goes to the man who has just orgasmed. She cleans him off with a wet napkin, unsnaps her top, and drops to her knees.
Kodai waits at the other side of the room for Tesla to catch up with him. He takes the next round of stairs, to another room, on the bottom floor, which is arranged in the same way as the top floor. From there, they head to the office, where they find a short balding man eating from a bowl of instant ramen.
“Kodai!” Rin stands and quickly tries to hide the ramen on his desk.
“Did you not know I was coming?”
“I was just trying to finish up before you got down here,” he says with his mouth full.
Kodai raises an eyebrow at the man. He keeps it raised long enough for the man to see his life flash before his eyes.
“I’m sorry!” Rin stands and bows as respectfully as he can while his teeth chatter.
Kodai lets him stay on alert for just a bit longer until he finally says, “It’s fine, Rin, but you’ve now been warned, and anyone who works for me knows what it means when I warn them.”
“I understand,” Rin mumbles, his head still bowed.
“I’ve come here to talk about profits from the last three weeks.” Kodai places his hands behind his back as he walks towards a holoscreen on the far side of the room.
A calendar appears on the screen, detailing work schedules. From there the profits and losses of the last three weeks take shape. Kodai verbally instructs the holoscreen to expand to the profits from the last two months, and once the line chart is visible, he points at the dip.
“This is what I’d like to discuss.”
“Yes, Kodai.” Rin wipes his hands on his pants and nods to Tesla. The humandroid’s eyes flash black as she scans him. “This is because of Neon Cats, N-Cats, run by Gintoki Sakata.”
Kodai clenches his fists together. “That’s Gintoki’s place?”
Rin nods. “N-Cats is a new salon that opened up just a few weeks back. If I may … ” Rin approaches the holoscreen and gives a series of commands. The line chart expands to show the profits from the last year. “I’ve been steady, you can see that, Kodai,” the sniveling man says with a grin on his face. “Business is good – was good – until N-Cats opened up.”
“And what makes them better?” Kodai asks as pictures of the new pink salon in question appear on the holoscreen, each accented by a popping sound. “Younger girls?”
“That would be illegal,” Rin says.
“And?” Kodai smiles faintly. “I’m joking, Rin, I know we’re not going to get much younger than the eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds we have.”
Same age as my brother, Kodai thinks as he says “nineteen.” Hard to imagine making the life decisions one would have to make to wind up at a pink salon just out of high school, but their decision-making processes and the future futility of them is of little concern to Kodai.
Once they’re too old, or if they start having children and gain weight, he’ll move them to the salons he manages in Nakano, if they still want to do this for a living. The old fucks that frequent those places don’t care about appearances anyway.
“Are their girls prettier?”
“No, of course not,” Rin says.
“Then what is it?”
Rin’s voice softens as if he’s in on some big secret. “I had the door guy, Akira, visit the place two nights ago as a civilian.”
“And?”
“Humandroids. They are employing humandroids.”
“So are we.” Kodai looks at Tesla, who stands at the doorway practically at attention.
She turns her head to Kodai and smiles. “Is there something you’d like me to do?” she asks.
“There is.”
His mouth still agape, Rin looks askance at the humandroid and finally turns back to Kodai. “She’s … a humandroid?”
“Yes, a newer model. You couldn’t tell?”
“No, I thought … ” He shrugs. “I thought she was your girlfriend, or something, but then I was wondering why you didn’t have your normal security detail with you, but then I assumed they were on the rooftop.”
“Wrong on all counts and yes, Tesla, I would like you to see about the humandroids they are employing.”
“And who will provide security for you while I’m out?”
“Give me a moment.”
Kodai’s iNet screen flashes on his pupils as he fires off a message to Yugio, Gorira’s replacement.
Yugio: I can be at Jan Hinamaru in thirty minutes.
Kodai: Make it twenty.
“Yugio will come with a few men. Once he’s here, I’d like you to see about the humandroids at N-Cats,” Kodai tells Tesla.
(0)__(0)
Yugio and his men arrive, and in the meantime, Kodai has Rin order each of the female employees to come to the office and speak with him. He gives each of them a small bonus, and tells them what a good job they’ve been doing. At the same time, he comments on their weight, tells the one named Aimi to get a different haircut, and reminds the women that they are always able to interview for jobs at his other establishments if they want to try something else in the water trade.
The water trade, mizu shōbai, is the euphemism used exclusively for the nighttime entertainment business in Japan. This euphemism encompasses everything from hostess bars to cabarets, and while Kodai has businesses that fit under the general mizu shōbai umbrella, his most profitable subcategory is fūzoku, the sex industry. Soaplands, fashion health shops, pink salons, image clubs – sex is a cash cow, and it always will be, which is why Kodai is excited to deal with the competition.
Kodai and Rin now sit on two chairs in front of the holoscreen. The holoscreen broadcasts Tesla’s iNet feed. The humandroid is in the alley outside of N-Cats, walking casually up the street.
“In position, Rin,” she says, her voice coming out of a sleek rectangular speaker over the holoscreen.
Kodai smiles at Rin and returns his gaze to Tesla’s feed.
“Good,” Rin says, clearing his throat. “Stick to the plan.”
Tesla approaches the front door of N-Cats and is stopped by an older man in a black suit.
“Can I help you?” he asks warily.
“I’m here from Walliburton subsidiary, WallRep,” she says, flashing her humandroid ID.
“Subsidiary?” He studies her ID for a moment longer.
“Please, get your manager if you must,” she tells him.
The man fires off a message to the manager of N-Cats, who struts out a minute or so later. The man is in his early thirties and he is dressed in a tacky white suit, a black shirt, and a white tie. He chews on his toothpick for a moment as he looks her over.
“What is this about?” he finally asks, his voice scratchy and harsh.
“Are you the manager?”
“I am.”
“And how many humandroids do you employ?”
“Two – wait, what?”
“Routine maintenance check, WallRep.” Tesla hands the manager her humandroid ID.
“It doesn’t say anything here about WallRep,” he finally says. “Hey!”
Tesla’s right hand chops at the security guard’s throat and she uses her left to coldcock the manager in the face. The manager comes up, nose gushing blood, and by this point, she’s already behind him, dragging him inside the club.
“Who the fuck are you!?” the manager screams, snot and blood flying onto the floor.
She pushes him to his knees and takes a small device about the size of a Tic Tac box out of her pocket and places it against his temple. Once his iNet feed is overridden, she pulls his head back and slams it into the wall.
“Fuck!” Kodai says, punching his fist into his other hand as he watches the live feed. He glances at Rin. He had mixed feelings about allowing the pink salon’s manager to watch this, but he decided to allow it for two reasons: one, he wants Rin to know what he’s capable of; two, he wants Rin to be part of the crime in some way, in case he ever tries to rat him out.
He returns his attention to the holoscreen, watching as Tesla now drags the security guard in, who is still choking from the chop she gave him.
The humandroid tosses him on the ground next to the manager, wipes his iNet feed with her little Tic Tac box, brings her foot back and kicks him hard enough to shatter his jaw.
Rin winces at the sound and Kodai hisses at him, “Speak.”
“Good,” Rin says, his voice wavering, “um, continue forward.”
“Will do, Rin.” Tesla makes her way from the lobby to the main room of the establishment, and as she walks, she quickly unholsters her sidearm.
She stops behind a woman kneeling in front of a porker of a man.
The humandroid sex worker looks up at Tesla and suddenly stops sucking the man’s cock.
“Leave,” the sex worker tells him, pulling away.
“What?”
Tesla fires a shot from her weapon directly into the side of the humandroid’s metal skull.
The topless woman spills left, and as the man tries to pull his pants up to scramble away, Tesla steps over to the humandroid, presses her weapon into the woman’s shoulder and fires, so the bullet passes all the way through her body, shoulder to shoulder, and tears out the other side of her e-skin.
“Humandroids have unique points on their body where they can be neutralized,” Kodai whispers to Rin matter-of-factly. “Simply shooting their head off doesn’t always work.”
“Will … the others fight her?”
“Actually, I don’t know,” Kodai says. “From what I’ve read, humandroid sex workers have their violence governors adjusted, otherwise they may try to defend themselves if someone performs a deviant behavior they deem to be a threat.”
A naked brunette with her hair tied into two pigtails swings at Tesla.
“Does that answer your question? Tell Tesla to neutralize all humandroid targets.”
Rin clears his throat. “Neutralize all targets, Tesla.”
“Will do, Rin,” she says as the brunette comes in for another swing.
Tesla pistol-whips the woman and sends her stumbling backwards. She unloads the rest of her magazine into the nude droid, who keeps coming at her, crawling on the floor and dragging her lower body.
Tesla steps around her, places the bottom of her heel against the back of the woman’s neck and stomps. She stomps again and again, until the humandroid is twitching.
From there, Tesla loads another mag into her gun, yanks the woman up so she’s sitting, and fires a shot sideways through her body.
Kodai claps his hands together. “Tell her to come back.”
“You can, um, go ahead and come on back.”
“Roger, Rin,” Tesla’s voice echoes out of the speaker.
“Now to see about something else.” Kodai’s iNet desktop comes alive on his pupils and he pulls up the live feed from Tritania to find Tamana standing on the rooftop of the Shinigami’s rented guildhall in Aramis.
(0)__(x)
Tamana has been leveling since the betrayal yesterday, aided by a dark spell that increases the EXP doled out at night. Now up to level fifteen, Tamana isn’t strong enough to do as much damage as he’d like her to be able to do.
But psychological damage can sting far worse than physical damage.
Tamana Nakamura Level 15 White Warrior
HP: 410/410
MANA: 389/389
ATK: 117
DEF: 134
MATK: 149
MDF: 108
LUCK: 6
She stands in her alien Tagvornin armor custom fit to her shapely form. The armor is black, with red accents that run up the sides of her body. The collar extends up to the bottom of her elven ears and her white hair has been cut short to better fit the helmet.
Tamana places a skull-shaped helm on her face and locks eyes with Kodai’s feed.
She knows, Kodai thinks. He admires her armor for another moment. It was incredibly expensive, and without the serpent woman behind the door, he wouldn’t have been able to procure it.
The armor is from an extinct Proxima world known as Unigaea, and the weapons of Tritania are all but useless against it. Even if they weren’t, it would still be hard to put her down, as the enchantment on the armor adds any damage to the wearer as extra HP.
Kodai is hoping to get some of the Tagvornin armor himself, but this armor previously belonged to a woman, and unlike much of the armor in Tritania, it didn’t mold to fit his form.
No matter.
Kodai watches as a dragon takes shape in the air above the rooftop.
The mirrored female dragon is a new addition to their ranks. The irony is that it was his younger brother’s guild, most notably a letter sent to the dragon by the filthy goblin, that turned the dragon to the serpent woman’s attention.
It wasn’t long before the serpent woman had one of the stronger RPCs go to the Cape of Chukchis and take the dragon. And now the mirrored beast has a golden collar around its neck preventing it from getting away. If it so much as tries to attack any of the Shinigami, the collar will decapitate her with its inner blades.
Riding the dragon is an RPC named Tomas, who wears Tagvornin armor and a Corinthian helmet. Tomas was one of the serpent woman’s first converts, and from what Tamana said, Tomas is the reason that the Swede has come to Tritania, which turned out to be completely true.
FeeTwix Fajer.
Kodai shifts his gaze from the dragon and Tamana to FeeTwix’s livestream, which shows the Mitherfickers moving in a wagon towards Katiyana. He has been monitoring the feed on and off since yesterday, after he became aware of who the Swede actually was.
So far, FeeTwix had been good at covering his tracks, but he’d let lots of stuff slip too, like the sign fucking pointing to Katiyana.
Then there’s the high elf that’s with them, another telltale sign of where Ryuk’s guild is heading.
It’s too easy, Kodai thinks, refocusing again on Tamana, who waits patiently on the rooftop of the Shinigami’s guild. Once the mirrored beast has settled, Tamana climbs onto the mirrored dragon’s head. The mirrored female dragon is older, overweight, and not so glamorous with all the scales that have been plucked from her stomach, but she’ll work as transportation for now, until they can get some griffins in Polynya.
After Tamana secures her seat, the dragon begins flapping its wings.
This should really kick Ryuk in the nuts, Kodai thinks as the dragon lifts into the air. Tamana will prove a formidable foe for his younger brother’s guild, and Tomas, at level 51, will seal the deal.
They’ll respawn, and she can kill them again once they do.
It’s too easy, he thinks as he focuses on Tamana. She’ll never break from the trance put on her by the serpent woman.
Kodai laughs aloud and Rin looks at him.
“Everything okay, boss?” the pink salon manager asks, swallowing hard.
“Yes,” he says sharply, “you’d know if things weren’t okay.”
A message flashes on Kodai’s iNet screen and he flinches.
Satomi: Your mother requests to see you and your brother at noon tomorrow. There will not be food, so eat before you come.
Kodai’s recent happiness shatters into a million pieces. He closes his eyes, bites his lip, and finally fires off a message to their mother’s assistant.
Kodai: Tell her we will be there. Has she contacted Ryuk?
Satomi: I will contact him next. If he is diving, I will relay the message to Hajime.
Kodai: Of course he’s diving; he’s always diving.
Satomi: Then I will relay the message to Hajime.
Chapter 9: Relics ‘R’ Us
It’s early evening by the time the Mitherfickers pull up the long and winding road that leads to Katiyana. The setting sun cuts through the peaks of a few of the more jagged mountains that surround the elven village and the air is crisp, less humid than the air closer to the continental shelf.
The Silver Ruby Bonus Package was worth its weight in, well, bronze, and Marty the Gnome did his ‘get in my belly’ move at least six times along the way, clearing out any Magic Gorgers in the vicinity.
Wish we hadn’t lost that EXP though, Ryuk thinks as the wagon bumps up and down. He might be at the right level to travel to Polynya, but like always, they’ll need to get much stronger if they hope to face off against the Shinigami.
And some faceoff that will be.
There’s no telling what the Shinigami will throw at them next, and thinking about that again reminds him of the serpent woman he encountered in the basement of the Shinigami’s rented guildhall.
“Still daydreaming about Tammy, huh, kid?” Hiccup asks as the wagon grinds to a halt.
“Baka.” Ryuk hops out of the wagon without responding to the goblin.
“What the fick, Marbles?” Hiccup calls after him. “Is that anyway to treat your only friend?”
“I’m his friend too, Hiccup!” The Swede stands in his big overcoat and fingerless gloves next to Zaena, who hasn’t taken her eyes off the surrounding mountains since they approached the city.
“Two friends then, and a dragon, and I’m not talking about you, Liz, I’m talking about this third wheel.”
Hiccup approaches Yangu, who is still in the backpack slung over Ryuk’s shoulder. The baby dragon hisses and spits a fairly large cloud of icicles at the goblin.
“Hey!” Hiccup waves his brass hand in front of him. “Keep it up, Snowballs, and you’ll find out what it feels like to become a dragon wing! Wait a damn minute … that’s a great nickname! Snowballs!”
Zaena ruffles the goblin’s pink topknot. “Behave around the young dragon, and Snowballs? Is this really the nickname you’ve chosen?”
“You catch on quick for a lizard, Lizzy. Let’s see, we have Marbles, Twixy, Elfy – although she’s not really part of the guild, and seriously, Marbles, if you want her to join up, we’re going to need to do a number of things as part of the Mitherfickers’ new extreme vetting rules, including a fickin’ polygraph and a palm reading because, believe you me, a lot can be discovered about a person via their palm, but that’s beside the point – where was I?”
His eyes start to glaze over but light flashes behind them. “Snowballs! Marbles, Liz, Twixy, Uncle Goblin, and Snowballs.”
Zaena mutters something in Thulean and Hiccup responds with an equally guttural, indecipherable response.
“Snowballs is a fun name!” FeeTwix announces. “My fans are loving it! Any chance of a name change, Ryuk?” The Swede looks at him with big, puppy dog black eyes. “You know, for the fans.”
Zaena scoffs. “We should let the dragon decide when it is older, once it can speak.”
“Snowballs is a fickin’ good name, Liz, and you know it. Maybe even better if we add a ‘z’ to the end, Snowballz. No, too buzzy. Too douchey. Snowballs it is.”
“Come on, you guys! Do you always argue this much?” Enway beckons them forward.
“Who the fick is she to judge us?” Hiccup glances to Zaena for support and for once the Thulean nods.
An odd couple if there ever was one, Ryuk thinks.
A passing elf, an older man in purple robes with golden trim, sticks his nose up as soon as he spots Hiccup.
“Yeah? Fick you too, mister.”
“Excuse me?” A glowing orb appears in his hand.
“I got two glowing orbs for you,” Hiccup tells him, grabbing his proof of goblinhood with his mechanical hand. “If you want it, bring it. It’ll be a cold day in the Empress’ expertly trimmed snatch before I let a fickin’ elf scare me!”
“Cállete la pinche boca!” Enway steps between them and apologizes to the older elf, who smooths his hands over his robes, grunts, and moves on.
“The fick did she just say?” Hiccup huffs. “Sounds like gibberish. Teachable moment,” he tells himself, “teachable moment. All right, Mitherfickers and Elfy, what you just witnessed there was an example of goblin discrimination. The elf saw me and he immediately turned his nose up. See, Liz? Told you it’s a thing.”
“I think he raised his nose at you because you farted.”
Hiccup nearly loses his balance. “Farted? I haven’t farted as you so crudely put it since we got out of the wagon.”
“I know,” she says, pinching her nose, “it lingers.”
“All right, all right,” FeeTwix tells his fans as a mirror appears in his hand, “now is as good a time as any.”
“Boy fick, here we go.”
The Swede smiles at his own reflection. “Do you have a gassy goblin in your guild? Maybe your uncle eats too much spicy food or maybe your IBS comes with an odorous stench the likes of which could kill flowers, deplete what’s left of the ozone layer, or peel the paint off an aeros! If so, you need Gassy Assy Boom Time Bum Defuser from Johnson & Pfizor! Get your dignity back, and stop scaring away the locals! Eat whatever you’d like and avoid the consequences! And for the next twenty-four hours only, mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a packet of equally useful Shart Brand Backfire Diapers. Terms and conditions apply. See web store for details.”
Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. His face turns two shades redder, and just as he’s about to reach his breaking point, the goblin’s nose twitches. “What the hell is that smell?” His eyes soften and his nostrils flare up.
“Probably you,” Zaena says as they continue up the small hill lined with quaint shops including a place where one can have their ears expertly cleaned.
A smile forms on his face and he licks his lips, instantly forgetting what has just transpired. “Smells fickin’ yummy!” He drums his fingers on his belly. “My god, I can taste the dragon wings! Hear that, Snowballs? That’s what you’ll become if you don’t keep your ice bullshit to yourself!”
“That’s the local barbeque restaurant.” Enway points to a sign in the distance. “DD’s BBQ. It’s new, and very popular.”
FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as he scans messages from his fans. “Dirty Dave’s Barbeque? He’s a marketing genius! He’s got weapons covered, comfort food, illegal substances … Boy, does Dave have his hands in a lot of pies!”
“They don’t sell pies, Twixy, you vain fickwad. And say it with me, innocent until proven guilty. Any-fickin’-hoo, it’s time to slam! I’ll catch up with you fickers later,” Hiccup says as a bib appears around his neck. He shoulders past the Swede, a proverbial fire lit under his ass. The robust goblin moves faster than he’s ever moved, as if he’s suddenly dropped a hundred years, a hundred kilos, and picked up a pair of expensive DisNike tone-as-you-walk shoes.
“You guys have never heard of DD’s BBQ?” Enway looks at the four with disbelief on her face. “It is everywhere in Polynya, practically on every corner.”
“Like McStarbucks in Tokyo,” Ryuk says under his breath.
“And McStarbucks in Sweden,” FeeTwix chimes in.
“And McStarbucks in Mexico City,” adds Enway.
The three look to Zaena. “I don’t drink coffee,” she says, “but I have been to the new McStarbucks in Athos. They make tea out of Aramis weed that is very, very potent.”
(0)__(0)
“Again, I apologize for, um, our goblin,” Ryuk says, as the four approach a shop with a red door with the bright turquoise words RELICS ‘R’ US carved above it.
They stand at the top of the hill now, and from his vantage point, Ryuk can see very clearly how the village is built on the slopes of the mountains. The rest of the mountain village is scattered into the valley below, its most remarkable feature the dozens upon dozens of bell towers that crowd the airspace.
Enway produces a keychain and as she goes to jam it in the keyhole, all the bells of Katiyana ring simultaneously. They keep ringing, a cacophony of bright metal tones.
“What’s that?” Ryuk asks as she finishes unlocking the door.
Before she can answer him, a wave of green magic lightly spreads over the streets. It glitters as it touches the soil, disappearing into the ground.
“The high elves of Katiyana set up a series of hexes to protect the town from evil forces and algospells.”
“And they do nothing to this wolf you are dealing with?” FeeTwix asks.
“No.” The tall elven woman grins softly as she watches more of the green magic. Her long ears flatten a bit and perk back up as she inhales deeply. “I love this time of day. Can’t you feel it?”
Zaena shakes her head. “I can’t feel anything, but magic has never been my forte.”
“Come,” Enway says as she swings the door wide open, “I will make you some tea as we await the wolf and the goblin.”
“Do you think he’ll find the place?” Ryuk asks. “Not that it’d be bad thing to have an evening without Hiccup. It would at least smell better.”
FeeTwix laughs. “Ryuk is becoming funnier, everyone!” He aims his black peepers at Ryuk and stares just long enough to make the Ballistics Mage uncomfortable.
Enway leads them into a cramped shop filled with all sorts of trinkets and gadgets. It’s cramped yet organized, not quite a hoarder’s den but not far off.
FeeTwix’s mirror comes up. “Okay everyone, we have some top secret business to get down to so I’m going incognito for a moment! I’ve got a new contest up, see if you can figure it out. Hint – check my videos from Dead City. That’s all I’m saying! I’ll announce the winner of the three month TwitchTube Red subscription in the next thirty minutes, so stay tuned!”
His eyes flash blue and he exhales audibly. “Whew, it does get tiring though. I’m always, always on.” A look of realization flashes across his face. “Sorry, where were we?”
Zaena grabs his hand and kisses his cheek. “Relax, dear,” she whispers.
“Please join me in the back, there’s more space here.” Enway leads the three into a small room with a few old sofas pressed against the wall. Ryuk sits down and a cloud of dust rises off the seat cushion.
“I really need to clean,” she says, “but I’ve been busy hunting relics and artifacts.”
“Do you do this full time?” FeeTwix plops down and lays his head back. Zaena curls up next to him like a cat.
“I do,” says Enway. “I have some other associates as well, mostly in Hyperborea, but also one in Bluwid. We trade stock, share profits, but we stick to Tritania, unlike other Proxima Smugglers.”
“But with your network of smugglers you can get anything, correct?”
“Within reason.”
FeeTwix’s shattered Reaper skull takes shape in his hands.
Ryuk remembers him using it back in the Jatla Forest, and he knows enough about the Reapers to know that they have something to do with the Knights of Non Compos Mentis, his former guild, but that’s about the extent of his knowledge.
Zaena steps back and crosses her arms over her chest. She has grown more comfortable with the alien weapons FeeTwix is fond of, but she was never a fan of the strange skull, which allows FeeTwix to see the very gridlines that make up Tritania.
“I only have half the skull,” FeeTwix tells Enway. “I’ve been meaning to get a strap for it, so I can at least use it in a combat situation if necessary, but I’m hoping to get the other part if I can.”
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