Polynya

His marble gun trained before him, Ryuk just barely manages to fire off an explosive round before the underground bull connects with him.

-166 HP!

Up in the air Ryuk goes, where he’s immediately caught by one of Zaena’s ghost limbs. She brings him to the ground safely enough, swings around, and tries to come down on top of the auroch, who is making a circle around the chamber looking for targets.

The auroch bucks and groans as Zaena’s blades connect with its thick hide.

-14 HP! -24 HP! -8 HP!

Ryuk looks at Wolf, who’s in the hallway that they came in from, tracking the creature with his blue-green eyes. From there he looks to Hiccup, who has produced his largest shield and is hiding behind it, nursing a healing potion.

“Are you guys serious!?” FeeTwix asks as he swipes a poll away.

The Swede equips the boombox and House of Pain’s “Jump Around” starts up. Before it can get past the trumpet intro, the auroch charges him and he tosses the boombox at it.

KA-BOOOOOOOOM!

-237 HP! Critical hit!

The explosion that follows takes down more of the ceiling, rattles the walls, and sends a shockwave through the chambers, taking a bit of everyone’s life bar.

“What the fick was that!?” Hiccup yells. “Fick!” The auroch is in the center of the chamber now, bleeding heavily as it tries to get its bearings.

“What? You thought I’d toss an ordinary boombox! That’s my BOOM boombox! Has Boomex Super XXL inside, the most powerful dynamite in Dead City!” FeeTwix gets back to his feet and dusts off his overcoat. “To everyone watching the feed right now, all three million of you, good choice!” As the smoke clears, he launches into a quick ad about a breakfast cereal that meets FDA requirements and is kid-tested, stepmother-approved, whatever the hell that means.

The auroch shakes out its confusion, finds a target – Ryuk – and as the pissed off bovine charges, Ryuk unloads an entire mag of molten and black marbles into the beast’s thick skull.

-86 HP! -75 HP! -30 HP! -9 HP!

“Whoa!” Ryuk’s body is launched into the air by an invisible force, just in time for the auroch to smash into the wall.

Zaena sets him down nicely on the other side of the chamber.

“Thanks!” he shouts to her.

Wolf comes dashing out of nowhere, slams into the side of the auroch, gets his sharp teeth around the beast’s jugular and gets to killing.

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup tosses his shield aside. “This is better than a ponytail race!”

“If you’re squeamish, look away!” FeeTwix tells his viewers. “It’s gonna be gory!”

Wolf brings the auroch down and continues ripping its neck to shreds until his snout is covered in blood.

Instakill!

He stands over his prey for a moment, making sure it is indeed dead. Once he’s certain, Wolf sits on his haunches and begins licking his maw.

“Whew!” FeeTwix wipes his brow. “That sure was something!” The Swede licks his finger and cleans a black smudge mark on his arm. “Stoked that I got to use my boombox, though.”

“See, that’s why we need a couple of these big fickers,” Hiccup says, walking over to the dead auroch with a long knife. “We let our wolves do the fighting, then we get the spoils. This is the best plan I’ve had in weeks, so I hope you’re taking notes, Twixy.”

“I thought Ryuk was taking notes.”

“Ah, nevermind.” The goblin cuts the beast’s stomach open, jams his mechanical arm in, and at this point, Ryuk looks away. “Marbles, you are such a pussy … fick! Fick!”

Hiccup yanks his arm out of the bull’s guts; a two meter long worm comes with him, gnawing at the goblin’s brass arm as he tries to beat it off with his other fist. “Fick! Get it off me!”

Wolf barks and tries to nip at the worm’s tail. Ryuk trains his Marble Gun on the writhing worm, waiting to get off a shot.

“I’ve got it!” Zaena brings two blades down onto the large worm, severing it into two halves. The second half, which apparently has a head on its receiving end lined with teeth, goes after Zaena.

Clickety-boom! Clickety-boom!

Instakill!

FeeTwix lowers his sawed-off shotgun, watching as the second worm dies. Meanwhile, Hiccup has pulled the worm’s other half off his mechanical arm and is in the process of stomping it to death.

A generic healing potion appears in FeeTwix’s hand. “That was some fight, everybody! I’m so glad you could all join us!” he tells his legion of followers. “And I’ll see some of you at the concert later. Get ready for DJ Ride the Lightning!”

“I got a level up,” Zaena announces. “Anyone else?”

Ryuk shakes his head as he walks over to FeeTwix and Zaena. He crouches near them and starts reloading one of his magazines.

“I was just trying to check it for loot,” Hiccup mumbles as he kicks bits of the dead worm away. “But fick that. I’m not putting my hand back in there, hell, this isn’t even my hand.” He says, reminding FeeTwix of his mechanical appendage. “But you get the point. Where’d that towel you had earlier go?”

“Here’s another,” FeeTwix says. “A fan transferred a fickton to me. Did I do that right?”

“Fickton, yup,” the goblin says as he towels himself off. “Hey! This is moist, which just happens to be my favorite adjective.”

“It’s an extra-large moist towelette for cleaning up after battle, among other things,” the Swede says, winking at Zaena.

If the Thulean gets his innuendo, she doesn’t let on. Instead, she flicks the blood off her sword, turns to the next chamber, and asks over her shoulder, “Are we resting here, or are we getting through these damn catacombs?”

“I’m with Liz. The sooner we’re out of here, the better!”

Chapter 21: Warm Hands

Kodai keeps his eyes trained on the seat in front of him. He suddenly craves his favorite whiskey, that or pollutes, anything to decompress after dealing with his overbearing mother.

The bitch.

Why she always has to push buttons he didn’t know he has is beyond him. It’s like she’s testing me, he thinks. She wants me to go off the handle, like Ryuk. But why?

Well, at least his brother will have some shit to deal with soon enough that will stop him from getting any closer to the truth.

He smiles.

At least that’s how the woman behind the golden door put it. She told Kodai what she’d give him if they were able to pull it off and he’s not one to turn down unlimited power, as she said.

“That’s the first smile you’ve had since we left your apartment,” Tesla says, the humandroid’s features outlined by the bright winter sun. Kodai reaches into his jacket pocket and places a pair of Tom Browne sunglasses on.

“What are your thoughts on Hajime?” he asks as the self-driving Uberyota slows, waits for an opening in a higher airlane, and ramps up its speed almost immediately. The vehicle curves around an oddly shaped SoftBank building, under a sky pass filled with pedestrians.

From there it hugs a Nomura building, and as it passes, Kodai briefly sees the employees inside, sitting at their desks and working obediently.

The sedentary life.

“Hajime is powerful,” she says, “but he is an older model.”

“And you could overpower him, yes?”

“He was designed by Richard Hewman.”

“Who?”

“The creator of all humandroids.”

“Is he still alive?”

Tesla shrugs. “No one has seen him since his disappearance.”

“That’s right, Lorem Ipsum told me Hajime was a one-of-a-kind,” he says, thinking back to his rooftop breakfast with the head of MercSecure. “But you are newer, better, faster, stronger, are you not?”

“We have the same capacity for combat. He may know more about it, even with all the protocols I’ve uploaded along with the training and experiences I’ve had.”

“But you can match him?” Kodai asks as the aeros picks up speed. He feels the effects of gravity in his chest; the feeling subsides almost instantly. The smell of flowers meets his nostrils as a fresh floral fragrance is pumped into the air of the vehicle.

“I believe I can.”

“Good. Then you will crush him.” He grinds his fist into his free hand. And at that statement, the thought comes to him that he will thwart in his mother’s plan to use Hajime as a carrot on a stick for Ryuk.

Good, fuck her.

He remains silent, his thoughts on the future, as his vehicle nears the skyrise condo he calls home. Once they land, Kodai hardly pays attention to the pair of thugs in the lobby or the single bonsai tree on display as he follows Tesla to the elevator. As soon as they reach the top and they’re in his home, he slips into his house shoes and announces, “I need a nap.”

“Do you want a massage?”

Taken by surprise, Kodai turns to Tesla.

“You give massages?”

She tilts her head and offers him a soft smile. “I do, any type you’d like.”

Kodai gulps and slowly finds himself nodding his head. It’s been years since he had a massage, mostly because he doesn’t like people touching him, especially people he doesn’t trust.

And why do you trust her? he asks himself in his head.

With no answer, Kodai simply waves her into his bedroom.

After removing her boots, Tesla follows close behind him as he walks down a long hall to his bedroom at the very end.

The defining feature of Kodai’s bedroom is an eight by eight Rorschach ink blot above his bed. The black stain matches his sheets, also black and freshly pressed, which he has changed daily. The only other thing in his room is a sleek, gunmetal dresser across from his bed with an obligatory holoscreen above it.

“Take off your shirt,” Tesla tells him, “and lie down on your belly.”

Kodai removes his jacket, his thin black tie, and slowly unbuttons his dress shirt. He moves to the closet to hang everything, and once it is hung, he reenters the room in a white tank top. “Pants too?” he asks.

“Up to you.”

He returns from his closet moments later in a pair of boxers.

“Lie down on the bed.”

Kodai does as instructed, not sure why he’s following the humandroid’s commands but also not opposed to it. Once he’s good and comfortable with his head turned to the side, Tesla tells him to relax his arms and open them slightly.

He does so, and she quickly climbs onto his back, her thighs straddling his thighs.

Kodai feels an erection coming on and tries to will it away.

As Tesla kneads the muscles on his back, he focuses on her hands instead, noticing how much they feel like a human’s hands. Warm to the touch, soft, yet massaging his muscles firmly, Tesla keeps up her pace as a host of sensations wash over Kodai’s body.

“This is … great,” he mumbles, completely overcome by the experience. She seems to know every muscle to hit and the pressure necessary to stimulate it. Tesla moves down his spine, massaging around each bone and scratching her fingers down his back.

“You carry a lot of stress here,” she says, refocusing on his neck muscles.

“You’re right.”

“Your mother stresses you.”

“She does.”

Tesla laughs softly. “What will you do about it?”

Kodai opens one eye and tries to look back at her. “What do you mean?”

“Will she always control you?”

“No,” he subvocalizes. “I will be in control one day.”

And just saying that makes him feel petty for thinking of things in such a black and white way. Is it better to be controlled and powerful or be the one controlling those with power? Aren’t the outcomes similar, the chance for demise intertwined?

Tesla keeps massaging his back and Kodai gives in to her.

He relaxes more than he’s relaxed in years, putty in her hands. Minutes pass, minutes in which he is lost in the ocean of his past trying to focus on a single notion of what he is, what he is meant to be, why it matters, and how things may turn out.

His whirlwind of thoughts eventually leave, yet the feeling of euphoria remains. The urge to turn to Tesla and pull her into him waxes and wanes.

Kodai does his best to suppress it. The spark of something entirely alien to him looms on the horizon, to be visited at another time.

Chapter 22: FeeTwix “Turncoat” Fajer

The Mitherfickers are leveling up nicely, Ryuk thinks as he checks the team’s stats.

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 18 Ballistics Mage

HP: 569/583

ATK: 112

MATK: 142

DEF: 88

MDF: 67

LUCK: 14

FeeTwix Fajer Level 20 Berserker Mystic

HP: 446/789

ATK: 161

MATK: 29

DEF: 85

MDF: 43

LUCK: 13

Hiccup Level 17 Shield Thief

HP: 800/814

ATK: 108

MATK: 16

DEF: 226

MDF: 103

LUCK: 28

Zaena Morozon Level 19 Brawler Assassin

HP: 619/735

ATK: 205

MATK: 9

DEF: 113

MDF: 43

LUCK: 14

Fat Tony’s Go Juice, or whatever the hell the stuff that boosted their EXP was called, is definitely worth its weight in rupees. Ryuk has leveled up twice, although he hasn’t learned any new skills. He has, however, moved to level two with both his Spit Fire and his Splash Back skills.

“Viewers are surging!” FeeTwix calls out, his voice echoing down a long corridor.

“Fick, Twixy, I think you just woke my dead cousin Spew Gorge up.”

“I thought it was Spew George,” Zaena says.

Hiccup stops and considers this. “Yeah, it was George that died, not Gorge. Good catch, Liz. You may come in handy when I’m older and unable to properly clean my grundle or speak coherently.”

“Grundle?”

“I’ll tell you what it means when you’re older, Marbles.”

“Can we reach four million in the next five minutes?” FeeTwix asks the mirror in his hand. “I feel a boss battle coming on … Hey! Now that I have your attention, I wanted to remind all of you that Spider-Man Middle School Dance is out now! A prequel to Spider-Man Origins, which itself was a prequel to Spider-Man College Doob, an alternative universe Spidey flick about a stoner Peter Parker and his number one gal, Mary Jane. Heh, I liked that one! So be sure to catch Spider-Man Middle School Dance this weekend and get caught up on the backstory to the backstory!”

“The backstory to the backstory?” Ryuk shakes his head incredulously. “I can’t believe they’re doing another Spider-Man. I think the last one came out in 2074.”

“Yup,” FeeTwix says, “that was Spider-Man College Doob.”

“Why would a man want anything to do with a spider?” Zaena asks.

“Taste-wise, I’m more of a fuzzy caterpillar guy. Joking. Just ‘cause I’m a fickin’ goblin doesn’t mean I eat bugs. But I do eat fuzzy caterpillars. Because they are nutritious. Fick you, Liz, for judging me.”

“You’d like Spider-Gwen, Hiccup,” FeeTwix tells the goblin. “Definitely a babe. She was, how would you say in goblinese, a steaming sack of hotness?”

Hiccup grumbles. “The only goblin word I’ve told any of you about is drumpf, which means something that smells worse than shit. We don’t classify fickin’ sacks by their hotness. Now, coldness is another story, but not hotness.”

“Pretty sure Jatla is a steaming sack of coldness.”

“Cut Jatla a break, Marbles, and really, don’t quit your day job. You ain’t funny – Hey!”

Wolf barks and pushes past Hiccup.

“He senses something ahead,” FeeTwix says as his double-bladed sword materializes. Wolf barks again, more high-pitched this time, as if he’s scared.

“Let’s go!” Zaena charges ahead with her four blades drawn. She slides to a halt once she gets to the end of the tunnel.

“What is it?” Ryuk says as he catches up with her. “Whoa!”

His eyes take in an arena-sized chamber complete with stadium seating lit by at least a hundred torches, their fires burning green and yellow. Zaena and Ryuk are at the top of the stands looking down, and from what he can tell, there are dozens of entrances cut into the rockface.

To the north is a primitive skybox likely reserved for royalty, although Ryuk doesn’t know which royalty lived underground or why there are catacombs beneath Porthos to begin with. To the south is an elaborate door cut into a half-oval shape.

“It’s an underground arena!” says Zaena. “Most of these were destroyed eons ago.”

“Lemme see, lemme see.” Hiccup shoulders his way forward and stops dead in his tracks. “Yowza!” He brings his brass hand to his brow and searches the stadium floor for Wolf. “Where the fick did the mutt go?”

Wolf barks and comes running from the left, moving diagonally up the carved stone benches.

“Would you look at that,” FeeTwix says with a wide smile on his face as he takes in the arena. “That’s one thing I like about Tritania, you never know what you’ll discover!”

Zaena mumbles in Thulean as she takes the steps down to the center of the arena. She hops over a barrier, and stops to admire some of the nicks and slash marks in the stone. From there, her attention turns to the skeletons, all of which have been swept to the side of the battleground.

“Tons of loot,” she calls back to Hiccup, who practically rolls down the stairs in anticipation of treasure. He hits the barrier, scrabbles over it, and immediately goes to the skeletal bodies to check them for goods. Wolf follows after him and leaps over the barrier, landing gracefully.

“Why do I have the feeling things are about to heat up?” Ryuk asks as he and FeeTwix take the steps down.

“Because it’s a boss battle!” the Swede says, a smile on his face. “Everyone juice up!” He grabs a healing potion from his list, drinks half of it, and hands the bottle to Ryuk, who takes a small swig.

+70 HP!

“Potion time? Don’t have to tell me twice,” Hiccup says once Ryuk and FeeTwix are over the barrier. “All the loot is shit anyway.” He kicks an ax and it crumbles to dust. “Gimme, gimme, Marbles.”

“Hiccup,” Ryuk starts to say, “you’ve only lost fourteen HP … ”

“Gotta go with the good stuff, then.” The goblin equips a grenade-shaped bottle of Hopkins’ Healing Nostrums, guzzles it, and throws the bottle over his shoulder, where it pings against the skull of a fallen warrior. “I would have saved you some, Liz, but I needed to top off fickin’ the tank. No sense taking a gamble!”

“Someone say gamble?” A loud, syrupy voice echoes through the arena. “Shit, ‘cause you in the right place for that, if that’s what you lookin’ for.”

“Who the fick was that!?” Hiccup’s tomahawk appears in his hand. He scoots around, trying to find the source of the voice.

Smoky black liquid comes from all four corners of the arena, traveling along the top of the chamber and forming a bubbling mass in its center. Before Hiccup can shriek, the inky black shadow descends from the ceiling into the center of the arena and presents itself.

Ink Shadow Level 31

HP: 1121/1121

MANA: 316/316

ATK: 134

MATK: 320

DEF: 169

MDF: 235

LUCK: 26

“Fick no. No, no, no, no!” Hiccup starts to backpedal. “No more fickin’ ink shadows!” Wolf growls, drops to his haunches, and oddly enough, makes his way in front of Hiccup to separate the goblin from the ink shadow.

“No more ink shadows? The fuck you just say, cuz?” The lanky creature laughs. “Now who’d say something for real ignorant like that?”

“I’m not playing Natty Dread!”

“Natty fucking Dread?” The ink shadow’s face forms, long and angular, especially his chin, which extends outward like the end of a banana. He moves closer to the Mitherfickers, his wispy body slinking up and down.

“You heard me!”

“Shit, I ain’t ever been one to turn down a game of Natty Dread, especially from a goblin that I know will cut me a cool fitty … and then there’s my collection of fingernails and other assorted goblin parts. Always lookin’ to upgrade, you feel me? What you say, goblin, how about a game of Bet ya Penis?”

“Shit! I told you guys they were some fickin’ sickos! Blast his ass, Twixy! Zaena, attack! Go! Go! Go! Ryuk, shoot some marbles at him. Let me spell it out for you: up the ass! Zing him before he zings us!” Hiccup beats his tomahawk against his shield, doing his damndest to pump himself up.

“Damn, that’s one fiesty goblin you fools got.” A slimy black tongue drops from the ink shadow’s dark maw and he licks his lips.

“Relax, Hiccup,” FeeTwix says, “let me handle this.” The Swede steps forward, his chest puffed up. “First, hello, Mr. Ink Shadow, I notice you have a very peculiar accent.” His eyes flash as he reads more messages from his fans. “That’s who he sounds like, Snoop Dogg! I went to his holo-concert with Dr. Dre two years back. Snoop Doggy, dooooogg! Dude’s an icon. Four-twenty, everyone! How I could not place that accent?”

“Who is this Snoop Dogg?” Zaena asks.

“A hip-hop star, super famous, babe. He’s dead now, but his holo-concerts are crazy! Lots of ganja! I’ll take you next time he’s doing a Proxima World tour!”

“Hip-Hop?”

“Rap?” he asks.

“Rap?”

“A type of music. I played some earlier on my boombox before it, um, blew up.”

“What in the fick are you going on about, Twixy!? Snoop Dogg? Who the fick is that? This is serious!”

“Right! Sorry, Hiccup. Ahem, Mr. Ink Shadow, we have important business to attend to in Porthos,” he says firmly. “Either step aside, or … ”

“Let us pass or else!” Ryuk says, pointing his Marble Gun at the ink shadow.

Hiccup goes from scared shitless to shitting his pants with laughter. The ink shadow joins him. “Fick me to tears, Marbles, you have got to step up your tough guy act.”

“Shut up!” Ryuk hisses over his shoulder, trying to silence the goblin’s laughter.

The ink shadow wipes inky tears of laughter from his cheeks. “Can’t say I disagree with the goblin, this fool really needs to step up his game. Shit’s straight pathetic, feel me, playa? Look at your raggedy ass.”

Hiccup shakes his head at Ryuk. “Oh, I feel you there. Fick, I’ve been trying to encourage ball droppage since I met the poor bastard.”

“Shut up!” Ryuk fires three shots at the ink shadow, who slinks out of the way just in time.

“Damn, boy, that’s how we gonna play?” The ink shadow pulls an arm back and swings it at Ryuk.

-100 HP!

Ryuk is tossed backwards into a pile of bones, almost as if his legs were lassoed from behind. Wolf growls and snaps his teeth.

“Boy, you ain’t faster than me,” the ink shadow says, his voice growing serious. “Aim your weapon again, fool, see if I don’t strip your soul from your body and use it as a goddamn wipe for my ass!”

The ink shadow’s visage moves from sinister to jovial. “Now where were we? A game of Natty Dread, huh? Nah, that ain’t my thing, man, I told you fools. Besides that, my Wheel of Dread is broken as fuck.” He thinks for a moment. “Don’t y’all worry, I got a game we can play, playas, your canine too.”

“So it’s a game you want then?” Zaena asks.

The ink shadow shrinks in form, disappears into the arena floor, and then lifts up from the ground directly in front of the Thulean. “The Thulean likes games, huh?”

“No, nor do I like pathetic pissants like you.”

“Fick yeah, Liz, tell that fickered fick twat!”

“Konoshlava doka duchaka!” Zaena grits, bearing her teeth.

“Prepare my ghost limbs to die … ” The ink shadow considers this for a moment. Two fingers form in the air and he snaps them together. “Damn, girl, that ain’t a bad idea! A winner takes all fight that pits one of you against ya homies.”

Hiccup gasps. “You mean ... Frenemy?”

The ink shadow snaps his smoky fingers again. “Yeah, that’s what it’s called – Frenemy. My bad for forgetting the name. Thought it was something like Friend Killer. Shit, but you right, Frenemy, that’s what we’ll play.”

“Take Marbles!” Hiccup points his mechanical finger at Ryuk. “He’s our strongest!”

“Frenemy?” Ryuk asks, glancing between his guildmates. “Don’t volunteer me!”

Hiccup continues, “Trust me, pal, you’ll want to go with Marbles here. Real tough guy over here.” He steps behind Ryuk and pushes him towards the ink shadow. “He’s the strongest of all of us, believe you me. I was just joking earlier. He’s built as fick under that emo hood of his.”

The ink shadow’s semi-visible face contorts. “Damn, you think I was born yesterday, playa? Nah, I got bigger plans.”

The ink shadow moves over to FeeTwix just as Zaena steps in front of him with her blades drawn.

“What the hell is going on?” Ryuk asks Hiccup, who still cowers behind him.

“Frenemy. It’s the fickin’ worst game, kid,” he says as the ink shadow sizes FeeTwix and Zaena up.

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“Choose the wolf!” Hiccup shouts. “He’ll be the easiest to kill,” he stage-whispers to Ryuk.

“Shit, sorry, goblin, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well, you ain’t gonna fool me twice.” The ink shadow laughs. “Y’all fools ever heard that one? Anyway, I got my choice. The commoner with the blond hair.”

With that, the ink shadow lifts into the air and torpedoes into every open orifice on FeeTwix’s face.

Wolf barks like crazy. Zaena grabs the Swede’s hands, trying to drag him away.

But the force is too great.

FeeTwix yanks his hand away, his eyes murky black as he turns to his guildmates and drops into a battle stance.

“We’re so ficked,” Hiccup laments.

(0)__(0)

“Kill me and y’all can pass,” FeeTwix says, his voice suddenly the ink shadow’s. “But if I kill y’all, then you got to restart at the beginning of the catacombs. That’s a long ways away, trust that.”

Ink Shadow FeeTwix does a series of back flips and a few aerials that even the showboat Swede wouldn’t perform in a real battle. Once he has some distance, he tosses his double-bladed sword aside and begins scrolling through his list.

“Hiccup, cover Zaena! I’ll lay down some distraction. Wolf!” The canine looks over to Ryuk. “Um, just hang on a second!”

Ryuk fires the rest of his black molten mag at FeeTwix’s feet to lay down some cover.

“Damn, boy, best be careful with that gat!”

Debris kicks into the air; in the time it takes for the dust to settle Ryuk already has another mag loaded and ready to go.

“Liz, we’re going to need you here!” Hiccup says as his largest shield, his scutum, materializes in front of him.

Zaena swallows hard and gets behind Hiccup, just as a large wave of metal unhappiness berates the Mitherfickers.

Ratatatatatata!

Ryuk hits the deck as the bullets chip away at the bleachers.

“Damn! Never shot one of these before, shit’s got some kick!” the ink shadow says in his syrupy voice.

Ratatatatatata!

His Marble Gun up, Ryuk empties his mag in FeeTwix’s general direction. Meanwhile, Hiccup charges forward, bullets pinging off his huge shield. Zaena hunkers down behind him and Wolf has raced to the outer edge of the area, hoping to come around back.

“I see how it is! Y’all ‘bout to die!” FeeTwix switches to a weapon that sounds even crazier than the one he was just shooting.

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!

The ink shadow laughs, his voice filling the arena and nearly drowning out the sound of gunfire as it ricochets off Hiccup’s scutum.

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!

Hiccup shouts over his shoulder, sparks flying over him. “Marbles, get the ficker!”

“Trying to!” Ryuk goes for a mag of sword marbles, hoping to get off a tonsil shot or something equally gruesome that will end the fight before FeeTwix can get to any of his mutant hacks.

“Hold your fire, Marbles!” He keeps his weapon trained on the possessed Swede as Hiccup comes in charging with his biggest shield.

The shield connects, Hiccup goes over with it, and Zaena flings herself into the air with her ghost limbs. She comes down behind the Swede, and folds backwards at the waist to avoid the swipe from a giant ax made of cobbled together gears.

Seeing an opening, Hiccup goes in with a tomahawk. He swings down, FeeTwix blocks just in time, and for a moment, the two have a standoff to see who will give first.

My turn. Ryuk’s Extreme Focus warps his vision. Suddenly, there’s a reticle on the back of FeeTwix’s head, and with a steady breath out, he mentally fires two sword marbles.

FeeTwix pivots at just the right time and the two sword marbles go straight into Hiccup’s back.

-116 HP! -134 HP!

“Yeeeeeeooooooy!”

“Damn, y’all some stupid motherfuckers!”

The momentum sends Hiccup stumbling forward and he’s nearly decapitated by FeeTwix only to be rescued at the last minute by Zaena, who throws him a good fifteen feet away with her ghost limbs.

“Fick!” He smacks his back into the stone barrier that surrounds the arena grounds. A healing potion instantly appears in his hands. He falls to his side, and nurses it like a baby with a bottle as he watches Zaena zip around FeeTwix with all four blades.

“Argh!”

He gets a hit in on Zaena that cuts through her armor. She hits the ground and uses her ghost limbs to scurry away in regroup.

Come on. Ryuk is just about to fire off more sword mags when a shoulder mounted grenade launcher forms next to FeeTwix’s head. “Shit’s about to get real! Just squeeze the trigger, right, cuz?” A wicked grin spreads across the Swede’s face as tendrils of smokey liquid drip down his cheeks.

“Fuck!” Ryuk shoves a gravity marble into his mouth and leaps into the air. He hits an invisible airlane and jumps to another just in time. The blast sends splinters of stone into the air. Ryuk is only in the air for a moment longer before the gravity marble loses its juice.

-39 HP!

Not a graceful landing, but Ryuk recovers quickly, watching as Wolf leaps into the air and tackles FeeTwix. The two roll around for a moment.

Bang! Bang!

The Swede manages to get one of his shooting irons out and fires two shots directly into Wolf’s belly.

“Wolf!” Hiccup shrieks. “That’s my ride!”

The dog howls, and FeeTwix is just about to finish the job when Zaena hurls two of her blades at him.

She missed? Ryuk think as one of the blades barely nicks his left cheek. She can’t do it!

FeeTwix touches his face, examines the blood, and flicks it away. “Damn, girl, can’t kill ya man, can you? Guess he gonna have to kill you.”

The Swede’s bowie knife mutant hack appears in his hand and quickly bubbles up his arm, forming a cannon easily the size of trash can opening. Using his other hand to stabilize the bioweapon, FeeTwix aims the biomatter weapon at Zaena and smiles. “Bye, Felicia.”

“Zaena!” Ryuk shouts as the blast tears through her, completely disintegrating her body.

Instakill!

Ink Shadow FeeTwix turns to Ryuk now with his other mutant hack, the bow hack. “You just gonna sit there and take ya licks, or you gonna face me like a man?”

Before Ryuk can even get his weapon up, the Swede’s mutant hack has morphed into a full-fledged triple barrel mega blaster covered in writhing green veins and bits of drippy biomatter.

-215 HP! Critical hit!

FeeTwix falls forward to one knee. He coughs, blood dripping from his mouth.

Ryuk has to blink twice to see Hiccup behind the Swede, his jagged toe knife gripped tightly in his mechanical hand. His face filled with remorse, but determined to end the mayhem, Hiccup grabs FeeTwix by his blond hair, tugs it back to expose his neck, and finishes the job.

Instakill!

The Swede falls forward and the ink shadow lifts out of his body, his head hung low.

(0)__(x)

“Damn, y’all, I was just tryin’ to have some fun.” The ink shadow sulks until he is, well, a shadow of his former self. An inky foot forms and he kicks at the ground. “Fine, whateva, y’all win. That backstabbing shit is some straight up bullshit, though.”

“I’ll show you some ‘straight up bullshit,’” Hiccup growls.

FeeTwix sits up and rubs his eyes, which have flashed blue. They turn black again just as a respawned Zaena gets to him and helps him to his feet. A healing potion takes shape in FeeTwix’s hand and he offers it to her. As she drinks it, he grabs another and he throws it back.

His eyes go wide, the cuts on his face start to heal, and soon, he’s smiling, his cheery self again. “Sorry, babe,” he says as they embrace, “didn’t mean to kill you back there.”

“You saw it?”

“I was possessed, watching it all. That’s some heavy stuff. Don’t hold it against me.”

“I’d never.” Zaena turns her nose up at the ink shadow. “I know whose fault this is.”

Hiccup goes with two healing potions, a Hopkins’ and a generic one. He takes a sip from each, cringing at the flavor of the generic one. “We really need to get some more potions, maybe some more of those Cherry Apollos. You guys are drinking too much. And why the fick are you still here?” he asks the ink shadow. “Be gone with you!”

The ink shadow lowers his head even further. “Damn, for reals y’all, this is the first time I lost in, shit, at least a thousand years. At least!” He throws his finger into the air and increases in size only to shrivel up as soon as he started.

“Them’s the ropes, fickhole, now if you don’t mind we’ll be getting the fick out of these catacombs.” Hiccup tosses the generic healing potion over his shoulder and jams his tongue into the grenade-shaped Hopkins’, hoping to get any last drops. “Damn good stuff.”

Wolf hobbles to the right of Ryuk and sits on his haunches. “You want some potion, boy?”

“Ah, don’t waste that … okay, at least give him a generic one.”

“FeeTwix, got a dog bowl?”

“Yeah, a nice one.” A tin bowl appears in the Swede’s hand. He sets it before Wolf and Ryuk pours the potion in. Wolf sniffs it once.

“Yeah, it’s generic, just drink it, Fido.”

He obliges and the wounds still on his side heal up.

“A game of Three Cards?” the ink shadow suggests. “What you think, pimp? If you win, well shit, I’ll give you all the treasure of the catacombs, I’m talking everything from the bling to the killer legendary weapons.” He grows in size as the spirit of gambling returns to him.

“A game of Three Cards?” Hiccup nods his head.

FeeTwix walks over to the goblin and places an arm around his shoulder. “That’s not the best idea, now is it?”

“Pfft! All the treasure in here, Twixy, did you not hear the fart cloud?” Hiccup’s eyes flash rupee signs. “There could be so much! Fick this quest and the Shinigami. We could buy our own floating continent!”

“That’s right, playa, Three Cards. Let’s do this shit.”

“Absolutely not.” Zaena says so firmly that everyone turns to her and cowers away a bit. “There will be no more gambling. You may point us to the exit; that’s all.”

“Point? Damn, girl, you really is harsh. What kind of gracious host would point?” A grin spreads across the space where the ink shadow’s face should be. “I will lead you there myself!” He sluices away joyously, completely at odds with how disappointed he was just moments ago. “Don’t worry, y’all can trust me.”

“Fickin’ poofty-ass mitherfickin’ jolly boy octo-squirt over here thinks he can just blow some smoke up our puckered bungholes and everything is hunky funky dory. Fick that! I’m not going anywhere he goes!”

FeeTwix: Ryuk?

Ryuk: What’s your map say? Is he heading in the right direction?

“I’m waiting!”

“Yeah? Why don’t you fick off to whatever sinkhole you seeped out of!” Hiccup growls.

“For once, I’m with the goblin,” Zaena says.

Wolf stands and barks.

“Smart fickin’ dog!”

FeeTwix: He’s headed in the right direction …

“Why should we follow you?” Ryuk calls to the ink shadow. “You tried to kill us.”

The ink shadow is suddenly behind Ryuk. Wolf freaks out and snarls at the living shadow.

“Can I tell you a secret?” the ink shadow asks.

“Fick no!” Hiccup starts to make his way over to them, reconsiders it, and grabs his toe knife from its sheath.

“Shit gets lonely down here, y’all. I’m terribly lonely.” The ink shadow is now close enough that Ryuk can make out the outline of a deformed old man hidden in the ghastly being’s murkiness.

“Woe-is-me, huh? Can you guys believe this mentally deranged dotard?”

The ink shadow raises his chin. “Man, I’ve spent a long time in these catacombs waiting for some fool to come along that I could actually communicate with.”

“Why don’t you leave, then?” FeeTwix asks as he approaches.

“We all got jobs, pimp. Me? I’ve been tasked by the Sage of Gotha to guard this here arena. No need to start tripping; ain’t no more surprises. Just being neighborly, that’s all.”

Ryuk looks from FeeTwix, who’s nodding and livestreaming, to Zaena, who has her arms crossed over her chest. Messages appear on his dashboard.

FeeTwix: Fans are saying to go for it. A few are offended by his accent, but they’re dealing with it. I mean, seriously, who doesn’t like Snoop Dogg? Dude is a legend!

Zaena: This Snoop Dogg, as you say, just possessed you and killed me.

FeeTwix: But you’re back now, right? No biggie, babe!

Hiccup: Twixy, you’re a dumbfick. Marbles, don’t you dare agree to letting that Gutenberg orgasm lead us anywhere. Say it with me: EXTREME. VETTING. This is why Tammy backstabbed us. You didn’t let me vet her.

“So what’ll it be, homies, we doing this? I ain’t got all day.”

Ryuk glances one last time to his guildmates and back to the ink shadow. “Fine, but no funny stuff.”

Hiccup slaps his mechanical hand against his forehead. “You’ve got to be shitting me, Marbles! Have I taught you nothing?”

The ink shadow struts forward like a drum major. “All right, y’all, follow me!”

As the ink shadow guides them across the arena, he launches into an explanation of the history of the catacombs. “Shit, I’m gonna be straight honest with y’all, these here catacombs were started way before the monarchy was in place. The eastern quadrant, that is. The western quadrant, our current one, this shit was built later, like way later.”

“The catacombs go all the way to the east?” Ryuk asks, as they move into a corridor with stalactites hanging from the ceiling.

“That’s right, lil’ homie. Them catacombs to the east turn into the sewers beneath Waringtla, stinky as fuck in my opinion. Glad my ass ain’t over there.”

“Waringtla? That’s the giant city, right?” FeeTwix asks. “Some of my fans were telling me that I should enter a tournament there … WAIT A MINUTE! The dots have been connected! Is that the same tournament you were telling me about, the one that Quantum Hughes cheated?” he asks Zaena.

Her orange eyes narrow. “Yes, your hero cheated, and through his cheating, he bested Queen Renata, the Thulean head of state, but she was only a princess then. Still, it was a despicable act. You should never look up to this type of man.”

“Agree to disagree, babe, Quantum is a legend!”

The ink shadow pauses to consider the name. Finally, he shrugs it off. “Never heard of no Quantum Hughes; must not be that big of a legend.”

Hiccup snorts. “If it sounds like Thuleans are sore losers, it’s because they are. Hey! Hands off the hair, Liz!”

As they come to another chamber, the ink shadow grows in size and scares off an approaching group of imps. “Little fuckboys, if you ask me. Can’t tell y’all how many imps I kill on a weekly basis. Them fools breed quick,” he says as they move into the chamber. “But back to the history of the catacombs, ‘cause I can tell y’all are interested. Anyone know who built this shit?”

“Don’t care, but I agree with you on imps. Those little naked fickers are always down for an orgy.” Hiccup yawns. “That’s it, I’m taking a load off. Wolf, get your ass over here.”

“Thuleans built the catacombs,” the ink shadow says as they move into a wide path that slopes to the right. Odd faces are carved into the walls, their chiseled features accented by the torchlight.

The smell of brimstone makes Ryuk’s nose twitch. It’s the first time he’s smelt anything aside from stale air since they entered the arena space.

“Thuleans built this?” FeeTwix asks. “Interesting!”

Zaena smiles at him.

“While they might be cool now, the first Thuleans, called Thules, were straight warring with their dragon ancestors. And dragons ain’t no one to fuck with. Tired of having their villages burnt up, the Thules built the catacombs on Polynya to stop the dragons from attacking them. Boom. Problem solved. Dragons ain’t goin’ underground, feel me?”

“I feel you!” FeeTwix announces.

“Um, yeah cool. So the Thules joined with the Saiduka giants of Waringtla to build the catacombs, which as I told you, stretch all the way from the east to the west coast. But it was started in the east.”

“Hold the fick up.”

Everyone turns to see Hiccup mount Wolf, who doesn’t seem to mind that the only thing separating him from the goblin’s poop chute and frequent wind tunnel is a thin layer of fabric.

He pats his mechanical hand on Wolf’s neck. “If Conan and his mutt pass the system of tests I’ve devised, I’ve got first fickin’ dibs on the wolf. We clear?”

Dogs, they’ll put up with anything, Ryuk thinks as they continue onward.

The ink shadow laughs. “Damn, ya goblin–”

“I have a name!”

“–Makes me want to hit up Bluwid one day. Might as well pump up my collection of goblin fingernails. Used to have the biggest collection this side of Porthos.”

Hiccup shrieks and a message appears on Ryuk’s dashboard.

Hiccup: Ink shadows love goblin body parts. Don’t ask me fickin’ why. I’ve been telling you guys this forever. Now do you finally believe me?

Ryuk: Yes.

Hiccup: Marbles, you have the personality of a steamed cabbage.

“Why do ink shadows like goblin fingernails?” FeeTwix asks. “I think they are too brittle.”

“Hey!”

“Damn, you ain’t never seen jewelry made from goblin nails? Shit is nice. You can also grind them up into a fine powder and snort ‘em. Talk about a boner for days.”

“Don’t you come near my nails or my chalupa!”

The ink shadow comes to a stop at the bottom of a long stairway. “Chill, goblin, I don’t want your nails. Believe me, I checked, yours ain’t my style. Too thick and yellow, playa. Not worth anything.”

“That’s not what the ink shadow in Sotla said!” Hiccup examines his one good hand.

“That’s another problem.” One of the ink shadow’s tendrils clearly forms a single digit.

“Oh, because I don’t have two hands, I’m suddenly not good enough for you, huh?” Hiccup starts patting Wolf on the head, clearly trying to cope with the recent insult.

“That’s ‘bout right. And your chalupa? Too small. Ain’t worth my time, fool.”

(x)__(x)

“Ahem, anything else we should know about the catacombs?” Ryuk asks, hoping to steer the conversation away from a debate centered upon goblin penis sizes.

“Anything else … ” The ink shadow strokes the place where his chin should be. “Y’all fools ever heard of the Runestones of Tritinakh?”

Ryuk shakes his head and looks to FeeTwix, who after scanning messages from his fans also doesn’t have a clue.

“I have,” Zaena says.

“Damn, girl, you well read. You want to explain or should I?”

“Go ahead.”

“Aight, so there are three Runestones of Tritinakh. One is in the east, if you follow the catacombs all the way to their natural endpoint. The other two are hidden across Polynya, one in the Sabors, from what my homie told me.”

“And the other Runestone?” FeeTwix asks.

“Fuck if I know. Rumor is you’ll be strong as hell if you can find all three, though.”

A prompt appears and Ryuk quickly reads it:

Quest: Will you find all three Runestones of Tritinakh? One is located at an eastern exitpoint to the catacombs. Another is possibly located in The Sabors. The third location is unknown.

Possible Rewards: A great power.

Risks: A lifetime of searching for a legend that turns out to be false.

[Yes/No?]

Ryuk glances from FeeTwix to Zaena, both of whom nod. He selects “yes” as he makes the instant decision to place the quest on the backburner, to be handled later.

“All right, pimps,” the ink shadow says. “That’s the entrance to Porthos.” He nods to the top of a long stairway lit by torches. “And this is where I peace out.”

“Thank the Empress’ bosom of ambient bear’s milk. Fick off, shadow boy.”

“Be cool, goblin.”

“Is it guarded at the top?” FeeTwix asks.

“Not this one. The other entrance to Porthos, the one likely on your map, that’s the guarded one. Y’all would be walking right out of a door guarded by Thun’s knights if you followed ya map. See? Told y’all it pays to trust ink shadows.”

“Like fick it does!”

Wolf barks and goes in a quick circle.

“That’s right,” FeeTwix says, “Wolf has to get back to Oric.”

Ryuk nods. “Think he’ll be okay?”

“Don’t worry; I’ll keep my eye on him.”

Hiccup leads Wolf as far away from the ink shadow as he can. “You leave his chalupa alone!”

“Please,” the ink shadow sighs, “ain’t nobody want no dog chalupa, as you call it. But if you ever see to your fingernail fungus and get your other hand back, hit me up.” With that, and punctuated by a long, sinister laugh, the ink shadow disappears completely.

“Whew! Boy fick am I glad that bad hombre is gone.” Hiccup points his mechanical finger at the top of the flight of stairs. “Come on, Wolfy, take me to the top.”

Wolf looks at him skeptically.

Zaena laughs. “You sure are lazy!”

“Lazy? It’s called smart, Liz, and once I’m at the top and you three are still walking your way up, we’ll see who’s fickin’ lazy then.”

“You’ll still be lazy then.”

“Wolf can’t come with us,” Ryuk reminds the goblin.

“Damn, Marbles, you act like I’m suffering from Early Onset Goblinheimer’s or some shit. I’m aware. Once he gets me up there, he can run his happy ass back to his owner. Let’s go!”

Wolf lugs Hiccup up to the top of the stairs, panting all the way. Once they arrive at the top, the goblin gets down and gives the big black canine a slap on the ass. “You’ve been real helpful, now git!”

Wolf looks at him, looks down to the three others, and sits on his haunches as they make their way up.

“Or rest. You do you, Wolfie,” Hiccup says as he pets the big canine with his mechanical hand.

It takes the Mitherfickers another minute or so to reach the top.

Hiccup yawns. “Glad you could join me. Whatever is behind this door,” he tosses his thumb over his shoulder, “better be worth missing a gobnap. I’m fickin’ pooped.”

“How?” Zaena asks incredulously. “You have barely done anything for the last hour.”

“Yeah, I barely did anything, aside from saving our asses by knifing Twixy.”

“No time for napping, Hiccup.” FeeTwix places his hands on his sides and stretches. “We have a concert to get to. It’s starting soon, and we promised to be there!”

“You promised for us to be there,” Ryuk reminds him.

“A promise is a promise! It’ll only be for an hour; plenty of time to meet and greet and then get our asses to Porthos.”

“Shit, you three go to the concert, I’ll stay here and guard the entrance. Don’t want any fickers figuring out about us.”

Zaena shrugs. “Fine, have it your way, goblin, but I’m pretty sure a lone goblin in the catacombs will attract more ink shadows. But you seem confident with ink shadows anyway, and you’re definitely a better gambler than most of them are.”

“Most? All, Liz, all.” Hiccup looks at Wolf. “Well, he could stay with me.”

“No, he needs to get back to his owner, Oric.” Ryuk approaches Wolf and places his hand on his snout. Wolf’s tongue comes out of his mouth and he licks at Ryuk’s hand.

“Hey, how come you never pet me like that?” Hiccup asks. “Fickin’ with you, Marbles, I’m not your little fickboy; I already told you that.”

“You tell me that a lot. You say a lot of stupid shit.”

“Well, that’s the best way to get one’s point across. Just keep saying the same stupid shit over and over until it sinks in. It works for politicians, and it’ll work for you if you ever hope to dampen your chalupa, if you get my drift.” Confusion paints across the goblin’s face. “Fick me, where was I?”

He glances to FeeTwix for help.

“You were, um, talking about how excited you are to come to the concert with us!” FeeTwix grins from cheek to cheek.

“Was I?” Hiccup shrugs. “Welp, that doesn’t fickin’ sound like me, but if there are babes, booze, and drugs – in that order – I’m down to get down. Now git, Wolfie!”

Wolf stands, stretches his front legs, and trots to the edge of the stairs. He looks back at the group one more time, nods his head at them, and takes off.

“I guess that’s his way of saying goodbye,” Zaena comments. “Cute.”

“Think again, Liz.” Hiccup’s nostrils flare. “You smell that?”

She cringes as the foul odor reaches her nose. “Filthy goblin!”

“Damn, Hiccup,” Ryuk coughs and tries to get as far away from the goblin as he can.

“Ha! That wasn’t me, fickers, that was Wolf!” Hiccup takes another big whiff and coughs. “Smells like DD’s BBQ, if you ask me.” He grins at his guildmates. “And that, Mitherfickers, is what’s known as a ‘parting poot.’ Damn, he even got me with that one!”

“All right, all right,” FeeTwix says as he waves the stench away. “Let’s get to the party!”

Chapter 23: DJ Ride the Lightning Rides the Lightning

FeeTwix presents them with a spawning point, and as soon as the four Mitherfickers touch it, they’re whisked away through a tunnel made of light, accented by sparks of lightning.

This, Ryuk knows, is purely for show. They are OMIB-porting, using the backbone of the Proxima Galaxy to travel. Bells and whistles such as this are added only to add a little flare, flare that a particular goblin seems to like.

“Fick me!” Hiccup says before he can even take in his surroundings. “That was fickin’ sweet!” The goblin takes one look at the screaming crowd beneath them. “Fick yeah!”

The Mitherfickers stand on a platform, one of many raised platforms in a concert space that spans as far as the eye can see. To the north is an elaborate stage surrounded by large holoscreens broadcasting a mirrored, pyramid-shaped DJ booth.

Their images quickly appear on the holoscreens and the surrounding crowd roars.

“For us … ?” Ryuk asks, butterflies whipping around his stomach.

“Fick no,” Hiccup says, “for Twixy!”

“And Hiccup too!” FeeTwix points at a group below their raised platform. Above the group, the letters F - I - C - K - E - R - S sizzle and flash.

The group cheers as soon as Hiccup spots them. He waves with his mechanical hand, and after he does so, he quickly smoothes the same hand over his pink topknot.

“Damn! There are some real hotties down there.” Hiccup licks his fingers and smoothes out his bushy eyebrows. He grabs his junk, adjusts, sniffs under his arms, and makes a “not too bad” face.

With a snap of his fingers, Hiccup is suddenly shirtless. He now wears a pair of what Ryuk would describe as boy shorts – which is just about the most unsettling thing he’s seen from the goblin – and for shoes, he’s gone with his normal battle boots, which are bulky and covered in nicks and scratches.

“What?” Hiccup asks as Zaena gives him the hairy eyeball. “It’s a concert, Liz! Let your fickin’ hair down, and stop, for the love of the Empress’ perky mammaries, STOP FAT-SHAMING ME!”

“He’s right!” FeeTwix adds, his arm around Zaena’s shoulder. “But not about the fat shaming part because you have no shame, goblin friend! He’s right about changing and getting some choon-ready clothes.”

The Swede is suddenly in a white sleeveless overcoat with matching distressed pants rolled up at the knees, and a pair of Boba Fett DisNikes. His tactical vest disappears and his blond hair slicks back. “Got anything white, babe?”

In the blink of an eye, Zaena goes from battle-ready to prom night in her tight, strapless one-piece white dress and a pair of bedazzled gladiator sandals.

“Hubba, hubba, Liz! You clean up nice!” Hiccup says.

“Thank you, goblin.”

“I’m going to let that little racist epithet slide on account of your sudden hotness. What about you, Marbles?”

“Um … ” Ryuk’s Dream Armor disappears and is replaced by a black t-shirt, black jeans, and a pair of black Vans with Flight Feet written in cursive along the toe caps.

“Going for the Bramtoker look, huh?” Hiccup asks as he rubs his hands along his considerable girth.

“No, I just like black.”

“I think there’s a saying about liking black … never go back … can’t remember it all. Anyfick, I’m out, bitches! Time to finds some chippies and some booze.”

The goblin sits on the platform and calls out to the people below, who respond by reaching their hands up to him.

“Not so fast!” FeeTwix rushes over to Hiccup and slaps a small square on his pimply back.

“What the twick, Fixy!? Shit, you know what I mean.” Hiccup tries to reach the little square affixed to his back but fails.

“In case you’re wondering, this will make sure we can’t lose you!”

“It’s GPS?” Ryuk asks as he walks over. Once glance down at the raging crowd and he suddenly feels nauseated.

“You mean PPS, Proxima Positioning System, and no, it’s not that type of tracking.”

Hiccup again tries to swipe the square off his back but his reach falls short. “You can’t just tag me like a fickin’ animal. Take it off, Twixy!”

“Relax, Hiccup, I’m not tagging you at all, friend!”

“Then what the fick is this shit?” Too bulky to properly twist his body, about the only thing Hiccup can manage is the slight tilt of his head.

“There’s twenty million people down there,” FeeTwix shouts over the roar of the crowd, who come to life after another Proxima celebrity appears on a platform not far from the Mitherfickers. “I’ll never be able to find you, but you’ll be able to find us.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Watch.” FeeTwix walks over to Zaena and shows her a bulky calculator watch now on his wrist. He presses a button, and the goblin slides across the platform against his will.

Ryuk and Zaena crack up; Hiccup is much less amused.

“You got me on a fickin’ leash?”

“It’s magnetic!” FeeTwix tells the goblin as he walks back over to him. “And trust me, it won’t hurt a bit. I’ll just press the button when we’re ready to go and you’ll be dragged up here.”

“What part of ‘I’m nobody’s fickboy’ do you not understand? You’ve got to be fickin’ kidding me with this thing. I’m not someone’s chia pet!”

“Chia pet?” Ryuk asks.

The Swede smiles big. “Just get down there and have fun!”

“Fine, fine, but we’re not through discussing this.”

Hiccup approaches the ledge of the platform and calls for people to catch him.

The people below raise their hands and the goblin, a sour look on his face, turns his back to the crowd, scowls at the three Mitherfickers, lifts two middle fingers up in the air and stage dives backwards into the crowd.

(0)__(0)

Enway’s form takes shape on the platform. She’s in a black body suit and her hair has been pulled to the side, forming a short, tight ponytail. The zipper on the front of her body suit is open just enough to draw eyes.

“Hey!” Ryuk says, swallowing hard. “Glad you could join us.”

“Wow!” Enway walks to the platform and looks down. “The Mitherfickers really are famous!”

“It’s just FeeTwix.”

“With fame and fortune comes great responsibility!” FeeTwix sticks a finger in the air. “Or, um, something like that. Hey! The concert is starting soon!”

Sure enough, smoke has begun puffing out from the corners of the stage. Lightning from the dark sky overhead strikes the base of the mirrored pyramid on stage. Fire appears at the edges of the pyramid and slowly burns its way up to the DJ booth at the top.

“Bravo!” Zaena claps her hands and FeeTwix comes behind her and wraps his arms around her waist.

“So, what happened in the catacombs?” Enway asks, moving closer to Ryuk.

“A lot of battles, and eventually, an ink shadow with a strange dialect.”

“Those things are icky.”

“Yeah, just a word of advice,” Ryuk says over the roar of the crowd, “you’ve heard Hiccup go on and on about chalupas versus churros–”

“If he has a penis, he should call it a churro,” she says firmly. “I’m not backing down on this.”

“Right. I don’t know what he has, or at least, I’ve tried to wipe what I’ve seen of his anatomy from my mind.” Ryuk shakes his head. Nope, the image of Hiccup’s ass is still there. “Anyway, what I was getting at: do not, do not ever, get him started on ink shadows. Trust me on that. If you value your sanity, never ask him about ink shadows.”

She laughs. “Noted.”

A man with long hair and a line shaved down the center of his forehead flies over them. He lands on another platform, kicks off, nears another, and bounces off again.

~~DJ RIDE THE LIGHTNING!~~

A booming voice says it again, and as it does so, a slow motion bolt of lightning descends from the sky. Seeing his opening, DJ Ride the Lightning takes a leap, twists, and with his arms stretched in front of him, he latches onto the bolt of lightning.

“That’s so stupid!” Enway says as DJ Ride the Lightning whips around on the lightning bolt. He’s giving it his rodeo best, and as it nears the stage, he swan dives off it and lands at the top of the mirror pyramid just as the music starts up.

“Woo!” Zaena calls out, her fists in the air as she rocks to the music. “So great!”

“Aren’t you going to dance?” FeeTwix calls over to Ryuk.

“Um … ” Ryuk starts grooving as best as his hips will allow.

“Not bad,” Enway says as she does the same. “Oh! I forgot to tell you, I finished the ten page essay.”

“Ten page essay?”

“Yeah, as part of Hiccup’s extreme vetting. It’s a ten page essay on why I’d like to join the Mitherfickers and what I’d bring to the group. It’s the last part of the vetting process.”

“I didn’t … ” Ryuk shakes his head. Damn goblin!

“It’s fine. There was also a multiple choice test too.”

“When did he have time to make all this stuff?”

“I think he made some of it when he was at DD’s BBQ, and well, honestly, I have no idea.”

“What kind of multiple choice questions?” Ryuk yells over the loud choons radiating from the stage. DJ Ride the Lightning is currently suspended upside down from a dark cloud, his hair hanging as he presses buttons on his rig.

“There was one that showed a poorly drawn picture of a penis with two answer choices, chalupa and churro.”

“And which did you choose?” Ryuk looks up to see FeeTwix grinding against Zaena, who beats both her arms in the air.

“I chose churro! I’m not going to let that damn goblin intimidate me in my native language!”

“Fuck him, we need a healer. You’re in!”

Ryuk fires off messages to the others.

Ryuk: Enway is joining the guild.

FeeTwix: I’m game.

Zaena: YEAH!

Hiccup: What the fick, Marbles!? I haven’t graded her essay yet!

Ryuk: Fick you, Hiccup!

Hiccup: Hey!

FeeTwix: YEAH FICK YOU, HICCUP!

Zaena: MITHERFICKERS FOR LIFE!

DJ Ride the Lightning explodes into a million tiny neon bolts.

The multifarious bolts zip around the concert grounds, merge into a single sphere over the audience, and within that radiating sphere, the DJ’s body reforms. He throws up two peace signs à la Nixon and the bass drops.

And boy does it drop.

Ryuk can feel the concussion in his chest; it’s almost as if he’s been struck by a gravity marble the size of a wrecking ball. The crowd below responds, their hands moving in great waves above their heads as they dance their asses off.

The sphere above the crowd explodes, showering the concertgoers with sparkling blips of light.

DJ Ride the Lightning is suddenly at the top of the pyramid again in the form of a nude woman with her nipples covered by flashing stars.

More stars spiral out of the rafters and the music moves accordingly, the percussive snare hitting the off beats, the full synth filling out the midrange, the high end covered by a vocoded female voice screaming in ecstasy.

The bass builds again, the crowd readies for the drop, and the drop that follows rattles the very core of Ryuk’s avatar.

Their platform trembles as if it were struck by a mini earthquake. As soon as it passes, Ryuk looks to see Zaena’s jumping in the air with a huge smile on her face, using her ghost limbs for stability. FeeTwix points both fingers to the sky, nodding and occasionally picking out his fans below and shooting them a thumbs up.

Once the bass filters out, Ryuk turns to Enway.

“I checked with the others. You’re in!”

“I can join?” she shouts over the brassy, ear-shattering choon.

Ryuk nods and extends membership.

Enway Rosa, Level 15 High Elf, has joined your guild!

Chapter 24: After Party

The four Mitherfickers respawn at the top of the stairs. It’s been an hour, they’ve boogied down, and after bidding his fans farewell, FeeTwix gave the “wrap it up” signal and used his magnetic device to call Hiccup back to their platform, much to the goblin’s chagrin.

Ryuk is practically giddy as his avatar takes shape.

He danced with Enway, it was nice, they were close, and he had a fucking good time, the best time he’s ever had at a public gathering.

“I’ve got to go to more of those,” he says under his breath. He suddenly wishes Enway could join them, but he knows that someone needs to look after Yangu and take care of Oric.

He smiles. The guild is really shaping up.

A bit of light peeks in beneath the door leading to Porthos, but with all the neon accoutrement Hiccup is wearing, the four could have spawned completely in the dark. The goblin has green glow sticks twisted into his pink hair, bright reflective paint covering his mechanical arm, neon handprints over his hairy nipples, and for some bizarre reason, a pacifier hanging from his neck.

“Fick you guys and your Cinderella deadline. I was having a fickin’ blast! And get this damn tracking device off me!” He points a mechanical finger at FeeTwix. “But seriously, we NEED to get back there pronto!”

FeeTwix laughs and uses a small rod lit by a blacklight to remove the square he slapped on Hiccup’s back. It was a good thing he put it on there too; they would be goblin-less if it weren’t for that thing.

Then again, Ryuk thinks, goblin-less isn’t such a bad thing. He tosses the thought away; he feels too damn good to give Hiccup a hard time.

The goblin pops the pacifier in and gets to sucking.

“What?” he asks his guildmates. “This shit is laced with something! I’m fickin’ on fire over here. Fick yeah!” He throws a couple of punches, pacifier in his mouth. “Let me at ‘em!” He gives Ryuk a sour look and spits the pacifier out. “And what in the actual fick were you thinking when you let Enway join the guild? Seriously, Marbles, this is why we can’t have nice things.”

“The conversation is over. She’s in.”

Hiccup takes a deep, angry breath. “Fine, fine, fine. Whoo!” He claps his hands together. “Let’s go introduce ourselves to the Knights and then get back to the concert. I got fans to please and habits to appease! I saw some orc chippies there; you guys see them?”

“We came all this way to get to Porthos,” Ryuk reminds him, “not party all night.”

“Fick, kid, I’m telling you. While Tammy may have let you grab a titty every now and then, you’ll never, and by never I mean never, get yourself a choice bit of poontang if you don’t let your hair down. Live and let live, Marbles. You’re worse than a millennial, whatever the fick that is.”

To emphasize what he means by ‘let your hair down,’ Hiccup shakes the three glow sticks out of his pink locks. The three glow sticks plink down the stairs, tiny beacons in the darkness.

“This may not be as easy as we think, goblin.” Zaena says as she approaches the stone door. “And I am as disappointed as you that we had to go. But there will always be another party, and time is of the essence.”

“Yeah, yeah, let’s just get on with it!”

The Thulean smoothes her hands across the stone door as she looks for an opening mechanism. As she does this, FeeTwix thanks his fans for joining the Mitherfickers at the concert and reminds them that KFC Bell now has a new burrito stuffed with spicy fried chicken that comes with a Cheetos dusted ball of fried mashed potatoes and a thirty-two ounce fountain drink of your choosing. Once he finishes, he returns to Zaena’s side.

“Want me to blow it open, babe?”

“Blow it! Blow it! Blow it!” the goblin chants.

She laughs. “Not all puzzles in Tritania can be solved with alien tech.” Blue Thulean script flashes on the face of the stone and the door pops open. “See.”

The four enter into a long, underground storage space filled with barrels of green leaves, some sealed and others open, their scoops sticking out of them. Ryuk recognizes the logo on one of the barrels almost immediately.

“I know where we are,” he says before FeeTwix can figure it out through messages from his fans. “This is the Morla’s Place! We’re in Valhalla, not far from the Knights’ guild.”

“Morla’s Place?” Zaena asks. “The teashop? I thought they were all pop-ups.”

“They are, on the other continents at least. This is their headquarters.”

Ryuk points to the ceiling of the cellar. The sound of people talking and walking across a creaky floor suddenly becomes apparent. “They have a huge, three-story tea shop upstairs. All we need to do is slip out of here, and we’ll fit right in with the crowd that’ll be up there.”

“Fit right in?” Hiccup asks, still in his concert attire.

“After you change,” Ryuk says firmly.

“Fine, but I’m keeping the pacifier and as soon – and I’m talking as soon – as we see the Knights’ guild, I’m fickin’ out of here. Twixy, we cool? Can you port me back to the concert?”

“No problem, Hiccup!”

“Good.” The paint covering Hiccup’s body and the glow sticks sticking out of his pockets all disappear. After his armor has appeared, he equips his golden helm, places it on his head, and pops the pacifier back in. “Fick yeah!”

“I’ll go first,” Ryuk says as the four approach the stairs that lead up to the main floor of the tea shop. “Follow me and slip out quickly. Don’t be an idiot either,” he reminds the goblin.

Hiccup flashes Ryuk the one fingered salute.

“Go on, Ryuk, we’ll be behind you,” Zaena says.

Once he gets to the top, Ryuk places his ear against the door to hear if there is any activity on the other side. Too hard to tell, he thinks as he steadies his breath and pushes the door open.

A hobgoblin in Thulean gauntlets drops his mug of Horse Piss Tea as soon as he spots Ryuk. “It’s him!” he shrieks in a high voice.

The large room that was bustling just moments ago goes absolutely silent as the patrons and waitstaff all turn to see what the hobgoblin is pointing at.

Him? Ryuk actually glances around to see if there is someone else the hobgoblin could be pointing at.

“Get him!” A spellsword shouts as he unsheathes an icy blue blade.

Spell Sword Level 13

HP: 425/425

ATK: 96

MATK: 136

DEF: 76

MDF: 74

LUCK: 6

“It’s him!” More people stand from their tables and equip their weapons.

“He’s the guy who attacked the Empress!” a low voice yells out.

“Out of the way!” Zaena slips past Ryuk and unsheathes four swords. She breathes heavily, waiting for the gathering crowd of combatants to make a move.

“What the fick is happening up there?” Hiccup shouts, his voice muffled a bit because of his pacifier. He spits it out. “Seriously, what the fick is going on? Let me up there!”

“They found us!” FeeTwix shoulders past Ryuk with a kunai attached to a chain. “Get over here!”

The Swede, his eyes two black holes, is the first to strike.

His kunai stabs into the spellsword and yanks him over to the Mitherfickers. FeeTwix finishes with an uppercut that sends the guy straight into a wall.

-87 HP!

“Shit, Twixy!” Hiccup pushes out, his spiked club in his mechanical hand a dinner plate-sized shield gripped to his other forearm. “Let’s fick them up! Whoo!”

“Shoot first, ask questions later!”

“Fick yeah!”

“No!” Ryuk shouts, as FeeTwix goes with two comically large Sandalwood Guns.

Bang! Bang!

Instakill!

The report sends shockwaves through Ryuk’s core. He bends for a moment to gather his thoughts, as Zaena runs forward to engage a mage and FeeTwix keeps laying down .45s.

“We shouldn’t be fighting them! The Empress’ guard will come!” he yells up to FeeTwix.

“Preemptive strike!”

Bang!

FeeTwix fires a shot directly into the face of a barbarian with braided pigtails.

Instakill!

An idea comes to Ryuk, the only thing that would make sense. Covered by FeeTwix’s gunfire, he moves to the right, where he knocks over a table and gets behind it. He fires off a quick message to FeeTwix.

Ryuk: Have your fans shared with you any info coming out of Porthos?

FeeTwix: There’s been an information freeze. Nothing is allowed to get out of the city.

Ryuk and FeeTwix lock eyes for a moment, only to be interrupted when Hiccup shouts, “Fick it’s him!” They look to a wanted poster pinned to a messageboard not far from them. Sure enough, it’s a picture of Ryuk, a bit of hair sticking out of his hood.

“I’m wanted … ?” Ryuk connects the dots almost immediately. The only way this is possible is if his doppelgänger did something sinister.

“You’re ficked, Marbles. Nice to know ya!”

“Incoming!” FeeTwix dives next to Ryuk just in time to miss a flying table.

Ryuk peeks around their cover to see an orc easily twice as tall as Zaena. The shirtless orc’s considerable girth hangs over a loincloth that barely covers his twig and berries. He roars, his manboobs and nipple rings flapping as he goes for another table.

No time to think, Ryuk grabs his magic slingshot and a gravity marble.

The marble strikes the orc’s body and the big bruiser is instantly thrown backwards to the entrance, bringing the structure supporting the front of Morla’s Place down.

Using her ghost limbs to get out of the way just in time, Zaena skids to a halt next to Ryuk and FeeTwix. For his part, Hiccup beats the shit out of the hobgoblin that sold them out, who was in too much of a stupor to get out of the way in time.

“This the one who squealed?” he calls over to Ryuk.

“We’ve got to get there before they get here,” Ryuk says quickly, his mind going a million miles an hour.

Hiccup kicks the cowering hobgoblin once more and pops the pacifier in his mouth. “Let’s get the fick on with it then!”

A message appears on Ryuk’s viewing pane.

Hiccup: Stop judging me. Like I said, the pacifier is laced.

“Whatever.” Ryuk pops a molten marble in his mouth and cautiously moves to the front of the tea shop. A few NPCs that have been pinned by the rubble whimper as the Mitherfickers step over them.

The silhouette of a woman takes shape ahead and Zaena bristles.

“She’s mine.”

Mind Mage Level 16

HP: 388/388

MANA: 400/400

ATK: 42

MATK: 193

DEF: 59

MDF: 61

LUCK: 14

To their left, the towering orc from earlier lifts himself out of a partially crumbled fountain. He scowls, locks his eyes on the Mitherfickers, and roars.

“Fick!”

Ryuk feels the goblin get directly behind him.

“Dammit, Hiccup!” he says as the goblin grips his waist and tries to make sure that Ryuk is directly between the big orc and the small goblin.

He spits his pacifier out again. “How the hell are we supposed to take that thing out!? It’s too big!”

“Don’t you worry, Hiccup,” says the Swede, “that’s what steamsuits are for.”

“Steam-what!?”

It takes all of ten seconds for a five-meter-tall exoskeleton suit to take shape in front of FeeTwix. The phrase YoRHa A-2 is stenciled across the chest of the exoskeleton. As it settles, a valve jutting out of its left shoulder produces a cloud of steam.

A Gatling Gun starts to rotate on the right arm even before the chest can clamshell open to allow FeeTwix to get inside. Once the Swede is in, the locking mechanisms sound off as the Swede is secured into place.

Attached to his left forearm is a jagged buster sword; as FeeTwix gets used to the feel of the suit, its shoulders lifting up and down and its legs lifting one at a time, he brings the sword before him and says, his voice suddenly metallic, “The orc is mine.”

“Holy fick yes! Yes! Yes!” Hiccup shouts. “That’s the most stupid-tacular thing I’ve seen all fickin’ week!”

A guild of lower level scouts and warriors come charging out of an alley. They skid to a halt when they see FeeTwix’s steamsuit.

“Good!” Hiccup spits his pacifier out as he’s suddenly filled with confidence. “Lizzy, get the mage; FeeTwix, get Bitchtits McSTD; and Marbles and I will mop up any of the fickboys left!”

(0)__(0)

A dapper man with the face of a cat appears out of nowhere. He leaps from behind some covering to the spot directly in front of Ryuk. Before Ryuk can even take in the man’s stats, he’s pulled to the ground, his Dream Armor combating the man’s rapid claw strikes.

“Dammit!” the man shouts as he tries again and again to get a swipe in.

Ryuk grins, and as his mouth opens, a massive fireball engulfs the catman. He leaps off Ryuk, his whiskers sizzling, and runs to the partially crumbled fountain to duck his head in.

-31 HP!

Now aiming his marble gun, Ryuk nearly splits the catman in half with his Cherry Poppin’ Daddy skill.

“Yeeeeeeooowww!” he shrieks.

-154 HP!

Skill level up!

“Fickin’ nice! You got him in the starfish, Marbles!”

Catman’s clawed finger comes up and he logs out.

There’s no time to read Cherry Poppin’ Daddy’s skill update prompt. Ryuk pops a gravity marble in his mouth and hits the air.

He throws in another until he’s on top of the building next to Morla’s Place. His Marble Gun up, he waits for his opening as two staunch warriors descend upon Hiccup. The goblin holds his own, giving Ryuk time to fire a shot at one of the warrior’s feet.

-207 HP! Critical hit!

The second warrior’s leg goes flying and he logs out in a panic.

“What a bitch!” the goblin shouts as he ducks an incoming blade. He comes up with both arms on the handle of his spiked club and brings it down onto the warrior’s exposed side.

-112 HP!

The guy buckles and Hiccup swings back and brains the brawny swordsman.

Instakill!

“Fick yeah!” Hiccup’s celebratory end zone dance is cut short when he glances right to see Zaena screaming and grasping at her arms and legs. The Thulean’s swords lay in a heap at her feet and the Mind Mage isn’t far off, magic rippling up her arms and her eyes ablaze.

Hiccup looks up to Ryuk, points at an incoming group of fairies, points back to himself, and points at Zaena.

With that, the goblin nonchalantly grabs a brick from the rubble and keeps to the shadows as he walks around the twitching Zaena, the Mind Mage so enthralled with watching the Thulean bug out that she’s completely oblivious to the creeping goblin.

Once he’s in range, Hiccup pitches the brick at the back of the Mind Mage’s head and knocks her out cold.

-266 HP! Critical hit!

Ryuk unloads an entire mag on a guild of archers as the Swede cracks his giant buster sword against the orc’s equally matched shield.

The bulky steamsuit may give him some leverage, but Ryuk can tell by the way FeeTwix is moving that he’d like to take to the air and lay down some firepower. But every time he tries to move away and activate his flying capabilities, the orc lunges for him, and tries to pry the front of the steamsuit open.

Finally, FeeTwix gets the opening he needs.

He kicks off the orc’s chest, blasting the mahoosive son of a giant with a cloud of steam out of the bottom of both his feet. Once in the air, his Gatling gun starts rotating as he fills the orc with lead.

We’re winning! Ryuk thinks as he goes for another mag of black molten marbles. He takes a step back, and as he does, someone grabs him from behind, disarms him, and cuffs his hands together.

“Hey!”

Ryuk is pushed to his knees by a man wearing sleek black armor and a facemask.

Before he can make out his features, the man grabs Ryuk’s cuffs and disappears. They land amidst the mayhem below and Ryuk’s tossed to his stomach. The man flashdances away, and soon Hiccup meets the same fate.

“What the fick?” the goblin cries out. “Who the hell is that?”

Ryuk’s heart stops.

Aiden? He recalls the immiNPC who was one of the first members of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis. He’d only met Aiden once or twice, but he’s the only person that Ryuk has seen move in that way.

Zaena, partially recovered, starts whirling her blades around her body to prevent the masked man from cuffing her.

Ryuk pushes himself up as best he can just to see Aiden’s handle appear as a peculiar rifle takes shape in his hands.

Aiden Level 99

HP: 6969/6969

ATK: 6,888

MATK: 313

DEF: 3,320

MDF: 2,459

LUCK: 119

Aiden pegs Zaena with a netgun, which Ryuk instantly connects to the weapon FeeTwix first used to stop the Thulean back in Sotla.

FeeTwix zooms towards Aiden in his steamsuit and the masked man is gone in a flash. A series of explosives at FeeTwix’s big brass feet toss him backwards and Aiden takes shape on top of the steamsuit as it crashes to the ground, causing a small crater and creating a small cloud of dust.

Before FeeTwix can swipe Aiden away with his buster sword, Aiden uses a sword that looks suspiciously like the Swede’s slice bang to crack the steamsuit cabin open.

He reaches in, yanks FeeTwix out, and golden cuffs appear on the Swede’s wrists. FeeTwix struggles, tries to access his inventory list, and as he does, Aiden grabs him by the top of his overcoat and pulls him over to Ryuk.

From there, Aiden drags Hiccup over, who kicks, screams, and farts the entire way, and he keeps Zaena pinned with the bolonet.

“Aiden!” Ryuk shouts. “It’s me! I was a Knight!”

“You know this ficker?” Hiccup yells incredulously. “What the fick, Marbles, I thought the Knights would receive us well!? Fick! I lost my pacifier too! Coming down over here … this is shit, real shit.” The goblin starts to shiver. “Someone find my pacifier! I was a Knight too!”

The Empress’ royal guard, known as the Knights in White Satin because of their long white capes, take shape around the pinned and cuffed Mitherfickers. The captain of the guard turns to Aiden and growls, “We got it from here, immiNPC.”

“It’s Aiden,” he says, “and I was here first.”

“You’re out of your jurisdiction, immiNPC,” the captain says. “That’s right, the Knights have no jurisdiction because you’re a fucking guild. Did you somehow forget that?”

The captain looks from Aiden to the four Mitherfickers.

“That’s the one who attacked Empress Thun earlier.” He points at Ryuk. “Like I said, we’ll take it from here. Pay my regards to Sophia.”

A wolfish grin appears on Aiden’s masked face. He nods and dematerializes one pixelated line at a time.

“This is for Empress Thun!” The captain approaches Ryuk, pulls his armored foot back, and kicks him square in the jaw.

Chapter 25: Mani-Pedi and a Royal Confession

“Fick you!” Hiccup screams as he’s tossed into a damp and dirty cell.

The wall of the cell has a single bench on it large enough to fit two people. Next to the bench is a bedpan with a steaming pile of shit in it, and resting on the floor next to the bedpan is a pillowcase that looks to be filled with rocks.

There are no windows, the only light available comes from between a series of slats on the ceiling.

Ryuk is the last to go in.

The guard throws him in the hardest, and he stumbles forward and faceplants on the rock pillow, where he’s gifted a whiff of the bedpan.

He dry heaves, again tries to move his hands to log out, and once he realizes that he can’t, he uses his chin to push himself back to a kneeling position, and from there, he stands.

FeeTwix’s eyes flicker as he reads messages from his fans. “Shit!” he laments. “No one knows anything about what’s going on outside of the city.”

“And inside?” Ryuk asks.

Zaena plops down onto the bench, just about as furious as Ryuk has ever seen her.

To control her ghost limbs, they’ve outfitted her with special Thulean restraints and cuffed her wrists at her side. She doesn’t struggle to get out, she already did plenty of that while they were cuffing her and managed to toss a few of the Empress’ guards in the process, but if the look on her face were enough to cut through the cuffs, the four Mitherfickers would be halfway to Aramis by now, a trail of dead bodies in their wake.

Hiccup paces back and forth nervously, his big paws cuffed behind his back. “Fick! We don’t want to be anybody’s bitches so look tough!”

“We’re the only people in here,” FeeTwix reminds him.

“Pfft! In case you didn’t know, goblins excel at counting. Aware, Twixy, that’s what I’m saying, and to quote myself, I’m not going to be anybody’s little bitch, especially Marbles’!”

“Why are you dragging me into this, Hiccup?” Ryuk asks, angry and annoyed.

“You’re the one that got us in here!”

“But what does that have to do with being ‘someone’s little bitch,’ as you put it?”

Hiccup goes from hyper-tense to full-on panicking. He runs to the cell door. “Fickers! Someone get me my lawyer! Goes by the name of Solon!”

“No lawyer for wankers,” an inmate across the hall calls out.

Hiccup bangs his head against the bar. “Fick you! I’m crazy, you hear me!? Come over here and I’ll be dining on your chalupa while I make you watch, you little fickered pinko twat!”

“What the bloody hell is a chalupa?”

“Fick! Fick!”

“Quiet, goblin,” Zaena says.

“We’re going to die! Shit. They’ll take me first. Always do. Racism and heightism and I’m the shortest and I’m a goblin. FICK! This is bad; Marbles will be next, then Twixy, then Liz. Shit! They’ll learn about Wolf and go get him and Conan. Enway too, but I don’t know her so well so that’s fine. But fick, Snowballs! He’s so young!”

FeeTwix approaches the goblin. “Holy hell, Hiccup, get a hold of yourself! Your fans are watching! Don’t act like a little fickboy in front of your people.”

“This is bad!” Hiccup grinds his teeth together and moves over to the bench. He plops down and lets one rip.

“Gross!” Zaena stands.

“Stress related flatulence, Liz. Fick! We’re gonna die, we’re gonna die … I’ll never see my son again!”

“Your son?”

“I told you!” he screams at FeeTwix. “Spew Gorge may be mine. Dunno. Doesn’t matter. Well, it matters because if I die, I want him to get the five percent Marbles promised me.”

Ryuk sighs. “It’s two percent.”

“Three, but you get the picture!”

“Hiccup, I think you are overreacting,” FeeTwix says. “And if Spewy is your son, why do you call him your cousin? A cousin means your father or mother is related to his father or mother.”

“What? You’ve never bumped nasties with your aunt? I find that hard to believe, especially coming from a Swede. But that’s not what is at stake here, Twixy! We’re fickin’ doomed!”

“Relax, I think you are coming down from your concert high.”

“Fick! Why couldn’t we have just stayed at the concert. It was so beautiful there! All those choice bits of ass, and that DJ Ride the Lightning ... I’ll have whatever he’s on, am I right? Ha!” Hiccup frowns miserably and lies onto his back. “Son of a ficklord, we’re beyond ficked.”

FeeTwix walks to the cell door, turns, and uses his cuffs to make a ruckus. “Guard, I have a question!”

“Shut up!” a guard yells from down the hall. “And stop running your cuffs along the bars!”

“What’s the bail looking like?” he calls back.

“No bail!”

“Ah, don’t be like that. What’s it going to take, buddy? Work with me here. We got loads of rupees, coming out the wazoo if you ask me.”

“Are you bribing me!?”

“No, sir! I’d never do that, kind sir!”

“Twick, Fixy … shit, you know what I’m trying to say. Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you to let me do the talking when it comes to negotiating?”

FeeTwix ignores Hiccup and turns to Ryuk. “Well, okay, get lemons and make lemonade. Something like that. What I’m trying to say here is that it looks like we’ll need to think of another way. Come on, guys, we’ll think of one! We’re the Mitherfickers! Hell, I’ll bet we can just message Enway to break us out once Oric is better.”

“We can’t use our dashboards or log out,” Ryuk reminds him.

“But I can still livestream!”

“Fick your followers, FeeTwix, they won’t be able to get us out of here.” Hiccup grows tearful. “I never would have thought that I’d be incarcerated at the young age of 154.”

He blows his nose, and without anything to blow it onto, snot just dribbles onto his lips. He wipes it on the bench and continues sobbing. “Fick me. We’re going to die, and when we do, they’re going to rape our corpses. That’s what happens in these places, you know. I read, I know things. You can learn a lot from the ‘letter to the editor’ section of Wet Goblin Holes. I don’t want anyone to rape my corpse, especially one of those inbred guards we saw back there. You see that one with the overbite?”

“Enough whining. I will get us out of here.” Zaena hops up from her bench.

FeeTwix steps aside and looks at her questioningly. “How? You’re just as cuffed as we are.”

“If not more,” Ryuk adds.

The Thulean assassin approaches the bars and looks down the hall. “Guard. I demand your audience, now.”

“Ha! Demand!”

“Yhai blahte charotakh lavaka.”

Hiccup’s ears twitch. “What the fick did you just say?”

A guard approaches moments later, his clubbing stick at the ready. “Say that again and see what happens!” he growls.

A tear-shaped light forms under the skin of Zaena’s forehead. As soon as the guard sees it he drops to one knee. “What is it you’d like, milady?”

“I demand to be removed from this prison and I demand an audience with Empress Thun.”

Ryuk glances at Hiccup, whose jaw has dropped open, and back to FeeTwix, who’s still trying to figure out what’s going on.

“Yes, milady!” the guard says as he goes for his keys.

(0)__(0)

The Thulean restraints are quickly taken off Zaena and she’s ushered out of the cell. “Not without my companions,” she tells the guards and they begrudgingly comply.

“But they must stay cuffed,” the head guard says, the one with the overbite. “At least for now.”

“That’s fine, as long as they’re with me at all times.”

“Seriously,” Hiccup grumbles as the guard guides him away from the bench. “You could have told us, Liz! No wonder you’d always bristle when I called you princess.”

Ryuk stops dead in his tracks. “You’re … a Thulean princess?”

“That’s right, Marbles, Liz has royal blood.”

“How come none of you knew?” the Swede asks his audience as he’s led out of the cell. “And why didn’t you tell me?” he asks Zaena, suddenly a little hurt.

“We will discuss this later.”

A thought comes to FeeTwix. “Wait, if you’re a princess does that mean you’re related to the Thulean queen that Quantum Hughes took out in the giant tournament?”

“No, she’s related to another queen, Twixy. Of course she is! Fick me, you’re daft.”

“Queen Renata is my older sister, so yes, I am related to her.”

“I’m just pissed that her royal highness over here hasn’t used any of her power to a) get us better hotels; b) better guildmates, sorry Marbles; c) rupees galore and the working gals that follow; or d) fund the Mitherfickers’ extreme vetting program. Hey! Watch the fickin’ hair!” he barks at the guard steering him.

“A goblin with pink hair?” an inmate calls out. “I got dibs on that little pink-haired fuckboy!”

“Fick!” Hiccup shoulders past Ryuk. “Get me the hell away from that pedo! Talk about some bad hombres! Whew! Glad we’re getting the fick out of here!”

“Enough, goblin,” Zaena calls over her shoulder. “You are a noisy pest.”

“Well, she is royalty,” the goblin starts to tell Ryuk, “so that would explain some of the racism. I agree,” Hiccup says even though Ryuk isn’t responding, “she should call me by my proper name, but hey, like I said, she’s royalty. Can’t live with them, and we aren’t allowed to kill them.”

“Where are they going?” one of the inmates cries out as they reach the stairs. “Not fuckin’ fair, mate!”

“Quiet, Luke!” the lead guard shouts. “Or it’s another flogging for ye!”

“Oooo! Flog me!” screams another inmate.

“Keep your mouth shut, Bobby!” growls the guard.

They’re led up a flight of stairs to a long corridor, and from there, they head back down another flight of stairs to an underground passage.

Ryuk’s mind reels as he tries to piece together all the times Zaena hinted that there was more to her story. But to find out that “more” is the fact that she’s royalty is something that he is pretty shocked to hear, especially Thulean royalty.

As they walk, Ryuk recalls the couple of times he visited the city of Athos, the capital of the third floating continent, Ultima Thule. The mostly Thulean city filled with yurt-like buildings is unlike any place he has visited in Tritania.

“Shit, Marbles, you look like you’re lost in thought.”

“I sort of was, until you interrupted it.”

“Yeah? Well how ‘bout less daydreaming and more fickin’ team leading.”

“Zaena is at the front of the group,” he reminds the goblin. The guard behind him laughs.

“You two always this friendly to each other?”

“We have a special relationship, if that’s what you mean,” Hiccup grits. “And I’m not saying I’m his fickin’ lapdog here either. He comes when I tell him, not the other way around.”

FeeTwix starts laughing so hard that the procession has to stop. “Really think about that last line, Hiccup. Just … really think about it.”

“Fick you, Twixy!” Hiccup’s face turns red as he scowls. “You know what I meant.”

“Quiet back there,” the lead guard shouts as they enter into a comfortable room with white marble flooring. Folding screens divide the room.

At the far end of the room, near the other entrance, are four chairs suitable for both washing a person’s hair and giving them manicures and pedicures.

“The four of you will now get ready to meet Empress Thun.”

Four clothed mannequins magically appear in the center of the room, three male and one female.

“This is great!” says the Swede as his eyes take in the clothing on the mannequins. Two white suits with embroidered silk lapels; a dazzling silver dress with long sleeves and embellishments on the collar; a white potato sack with tiny silver spikes that form a circle around the neckline – the Mitherfickers are about to get decked the fuck out.

“Whose idea was it to give me a potato sack?” Hiccup moans as a shoe rack appears – two white leather loafers, one pair of high heels. “And why don’t I get shoes?”

“We didn’t have a lot of time!” A short designer with light brown hair walks into the room. She’s followed by another designer who is taller, quiet, and carries on her face one of the warmest smiles Ryuk has ever seen.

“Come, it’s time to get dressed,” the second designer tells him, her black eyes sparkling under her bangs.

“I’m cuffed,” he reminds her.

“About that … ”

Their cuffs disappear, replaced by thin golden bracelets. The guards surrounding them suddenly disappear, as if they were never there in the first place.

“Better?” she asks.

“Glad those fickers are gone, especially the one with the overbite. He was eying me funny!”

“We still can’t log out or equip anything,” FeeTwix says, “but I guess it’s a little better.”

“Who’s ready to play dress up?” Hiccup grumbles as his armor falls to the floor, revealing a chest still covered in blacklight-responsive paint.

“Please!” the brunette designer says, horror painted across her face, “we have screens for you to change behind.”

“Halfway there, lady.”

Ryuk looks away as the goblin goes full commando.

As FeeTwix films the scene for his audience, Hiccup marches right up to the mannequin and pulls the potato sack over his head.

“Your hair and nails too,” the brunette designer says.

“Mani-pedi?” Hiccup pumps a fist in the air. “Fick yeah! We doing it up, kiddos! Lead the way and make sure to really work my big toenails. It’s been months!”

“We are designers,” the brunette tells him sharply. “They will be giving you mani-pedis.” She nods as four NPCs, three women and one male, walk into the room.

The male stylist pats his chair and Hiccup rushes over there like a kid to Santa’s lap. “Now this is what I’m talking about!” he says as he wiggles his ass into the chair, getting comfortable.

“I’ll help you,” the other clothing designer, the one with the bangs and a warm smile, tells Ryuk.

She leads him behind one of the screens, waits with her back turned away for him to change, and immediately starts adjusting the suit once it’s on.

With a pin in her mouth, she pinches bits of the fabric where it’s too loose, marks it, and the fabric instantly tightens. She pins the front of his pants, takes a step back to see what it looks like from afar, and once she’s certain, Ryuk’s pants instantly tighten.

Meanwhile, the other designer helps FeeTwix get dressed.

The two come out from behind the folding screens, which Ryuk knows as byōbu, and greet each other.

“Not bad, cuz!” FeeTwix says, giving Ryuk the thumbs up. “You dress up nice. Now it’s time to get mani-pedis with Hiccup.”

“Just manis for you guys,” one of the stylists calls over.

“Fine by us!”

The two designers turn to Zaena. They lead the princess – still hard to imagine she’s a princess, Ryuk thinks – behind the folding screen and begin dressing her.

“Ah, the good life! From cell to mani,” FeeTwix says with a sigh. “All in a day’s work. This is a perfect time to remind all of you watching that Office Hallmark Depot is having a big sale right now on all papers, office supplies, and greeting cards!”

His mirror appears in his hand, and as the NPC goes to work on his left hand, FeeTwix offers the mirror a dashing smile.

“The Mitherfickers are living it up now so you can stop worrying! But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t worry about your loved ones. Get them a card, hell, get them a stapler, or double hell, prank your brother by getting him a card and stapling it shut! Ha!”

Hiccup snorts. His pink hair has been magically washed, dried, and is now in curlers.

The male stylist works up a sweat trying to trim down his toenails. He stops, wipes his brow, and Hiccup tells him to get back to it. “Those nails aren’t going to trim themselves!”

Ryuk sits and the female stylist starts in on his right hand. She starts with a massage, and once she’s quickly done that – everyone seems to be moving at warp speed – she trims his nails, adds a clear coat to them, and starts on the other hand just as Zaena comes out from behind the screen.

“Wow!” FeeTwix gasps. “That’s twice you’ve impressed me in one night, babe! You look hella good!” His eyes flash blue.

“Why did you go blue?” she asks, approaching softly, one heel in front of the other.

“So I could have you all to myself.”

“Fick me, that’s the lamest thing I’ve heard all day,” Hiccup comments. “It’s also sweet. You two are made for each other, just like me and Spew Gorge’s mom.”

“But that’s your aunt,” Ryuk reminds him.

“And? Jon Snow ficked the living shit out of his aunt and no one gave two flying ficks!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Why is it so hard to believe I’m a relatively well-read goblin, Marbles? You see me reading all the time. It’s what security guards do. We read. And sleep. And play with our chalupas if no one is watching. How do you think I got the fickin’ job that led me to meeting you in the first place?”

“I thought you came with the guildhall in Jatla,” FeeTwix says. “That’s what you told me.”

“Pfft!”

“Besides that, you were terrible at your job,” Ryuk says. “Tamana was kidnapped while you were sleeping!”

“Alternative fact alert!” Hiccup locks eyes with Ryuk and the stare-down begins. Knowing better than to get into it with the goblin, Ryuk looks away.

“Whatever, Hiccup.”

“That’s what I fickin’ thought, Marbles. Hey! Careful with the pinky toes,” the goblin tells the male pedicurist. “Keep those ones long. It’s a style in Jatla.”

Zaena sits, careful not to wrinkle her dress. Her stylist begins working on her toenails almost immediately.

“So,” Ryuk asks, “were you ever going to tell us you were a princess?”

“I was,” she says, “when the time was right.”

“Well, fick, Liz, we really could have been living it up, not going to lie to you there, but you did drop the truthbomb at a pretty good time, so good job there. I was afraid Marbles was going to lose it back in that cell.”

Ryuk rolls his eyes.

“But seriously, seriously. Next time give us the heads up. Shit, I’d love to be living like Thulean royalty. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I knew you were a one-percenter … Hey!” Hiccup yanks his hand back. “Careful, that’s my picking finger!”

“Picking finger?” The male stylist raises an eyebrow of disgust at the goblin.

Hiccup demonstrates what he means by jamming his pointer finger in his nose and digging around. “I need to keep this one long too. I have allergies, sinus issues, and my brain needs scratching. We clear?”

The man swallows hard. “Yes, we’re clear.”

“Good. Now, chop chop! I got a feeling this next meeting is going to be one for the record books and I can’t have my nails in disarray.”

(0)__(x)

The Mitherfickers, looking just about as dashing as they ever have and possibly ever will, follow two of the Empress’ Knights in White Satin through a long hallway lined with tapestries and elaborate oil paintings.

The paintings depict famous battle scenes, some of which Ryuk recognizes from Flight Feet. They’re arranged in a way that gives the viewer an overwhelming feeling of the Empress’ accomplishments, which is augmented by the fact that she’s been added to all the paintings as either the main focal point or as an overseeing influence.

“Damn, there’s a lot of fickin’ propaganda posters in here!”

Ryuk snorts. Hiccup gets it, he thinks as Zaena hushes him.

“Liz, you and I have a relationship. You’re kind of like my kid sister and I’m kind of like your well-educated uncle. But just ‘cause you’re a princess doesn’t mean I’m going to start kissing anyone’s feet. I know for a fact the Empress, bless her motherly mammaries … ”

“Watch it!” one of the guards growls.

“Easy, big ficker, that’s a compliment in Jatla!”

“I’ve got this,” FeeTwix says as he slows to walk beside the goblin in the potato sack. “How about this? Behave yourself and I’ll see to it that you get a fucking kiddie pool filled with Hopkins’ Healing Nostrum. How’s that sound?”

Hiccup straightens up in a matter of seconds.

He files in line in front of Ryuk and doesn’t comment, scheme, tease, lament, complain, or chide any of his guildmates as they continue into yet another long hallway filled with Empress Thun’s imaginary exploits. He even practices a little self-control when it comes to flatulence.

The group finally stops at the foot of a flight of stairs and look up to a final chamber marked by two enormous sitting griffins carved from Thulean granite. As they pass them, Hiccup reaches out to touch one and whips his hand back to his side.

Ryuk mentally makes a note to bribe the goblin with high-end potions next time it comes up.

Messages flash on Ryuk’s iNet screen.

Zaena: Empress protocol – get to the ground to bow. She will then place her foot on the top of your head.

Hiccup: That’s hot!

More guards greet them as they enter into a circular space accented with pillars and built beneath an elaborate image of the various goddesses of Tritania. Ryuk senses that the space was designed this way for a particular reason, and his intuition is rewarded when his Magic Eye skill kicks in and he notices a faint green outline spiraling up the pillars and radiating off the throne at the back of the room.

Algomagic …

Pressed up against a back wall, the Empress’ throne has been cut into the trunk of a tree made of gold. A lion’s face is carved above the seat, its eyes open yet its pupils missing. The roots of the golden tree spread far past the throne and down the three steps.

A door at the far end of the room swings open and two male attendants walk out, their necks elongated by metal rings and their nude bodies covered in white paint.

They take their places on either side of the throne, and as they do, their legs widen and they suddenly begin to shrivel and shrink. They form two cylindrical tables, and as the tables harden, their colors morph from white to gray and finally settle on a shade of Charleston green.

Two attendants, these two female with robes that stretch several meters behind their bodies, walk out with their hands beneath lush cushions. Sitting on the cushions are two small griffins, both fast asleep.

“Ah, how cute,” Hiccup says, breaking his silence.

Zaena glances over her shoulder at him and he snaps his mouth shut.

The two sleeping baby griffins are led to the cylindrical tables and are placed on top. The two attendants carrying them roll their heads back and melt into the floor, adding to the golden roots of the tree.

As if she had been sitting there all along, Empress Thun is suddenly on her throne, in evening wear that is neither revealing nor modest. The white makeup normally on her face is gone and her hair is relaxed, pulled into a tight turban.

She lifts a single hand.

“Down we go, Mitherfickers.” Hiccup prostrates before her, grumbling about the pain in his back as he does so. “Yoy,” he whispers as he gets into a full blown child’s pose. “Mother of fick, this hurts! Marbles, get your ass down here!”

“Um … ” Ryuk drops to his knees and extends his hands in front of him. FeeTwix does the same and Ryuk turns his head to see Zaena still standing. I guess this only applies to commoners and regular NPCs, he thinks as he watches the Thulean princess.

Standing before him now, Empress Thun places the sole of her foot to the back of his head.

As she digs her foot in, Ryuk feels an overwhelming sense of calm spread through him. This is followed by a tingling sensation, and by the time she leaves, all the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck are standing to attention.

Level up! +10 LUCK! New skill learned!

Having never actually met Empress Thun before, Ryuk is unaccustomed to the ritual associated with the monarch of all of Tritania. The only entity more powerful is the Sage of Gotha, and while the Thuleans in the north are allowed to have their own royal system, the Empress still holds some sway over them.

New skill? He waits for her to move on to Hiccup before he checks the prompt.

Skill: Knights in White Satin

Level One: Call upon the Empress’ guard to aid you in a battle.

Caveat: Can only be used once per day.

Requirements: Gifted by Empress Thun.

“Fick yeah!”

Ryuk’s train of thought is interrupted by Hiccup, who is absolutely thrilled to have the Empress place her foot against his pink topknot. The goblin is practically thumping his leg as the Empress finishes her bizarre ritual and moves on to FeeTwix.

Once she finishes with the Swede, her form takes shape back on her throne.

“You may now stand,” she says firmly. “I don’t normally meet and greet after hours, but I owe Queen Renata a favor, and besides that, I am very interested to hear why you tried to kill me earlier.” She narrows her eyes at Ryuk.

“Kill you?” He takes a step back. Is that why everyone was after us? he thinks. “It wasn’t me!”

“It was the fickin’ one-armed man!” Hiccup adds, chortling. “Wait, that’s me!” He laughs even harder. Zaena shoots him a glare that could peel the lead paint off a Chinese action figure. He gulps, glances down at his feet, and looks to FeeTwix to see if he still gets the pool of healing potion.

FeeTwix shakes his head, and the goblin curses under his breath.

“I will speak for my guildmates from here on out, Your Highness,” Zaena says, stepping forward. The way she holds herself, her chest out and her shoulders broad, is something Ryuk has seen from her before, but only in fleeting glances.

“Go on.”

“Less than a week ago, I left for Hyperborea in search of my brother, Prince Charo Boldrom.”

A message flashes on Ryuk’s vision pane.

Hiccup: His name means Bloody Freedom. Fickin’ cool name if you ask me! If I ever have another kid, that’s definitely a name I’ll consider.

Ryuk ignores him and tunes back in to the conversation.

“I was in the Jatla Forest when I was attacked by Ryuk’s doppelganger and his sellswords. They were transporting a captive, Ryuk’s former guildmate, Tamana.”

Ryuk swallows hard at the word former. He knows it’s over, he knows Tamana has turned. But like so many before him and so many after, the writing on the wall and its legibility are at odds.

“So he has a lookalike?” Empress Thun nods.

“He does, a player who masks his handle and all identifying marks.”

Empress Thun grins. “Please, go on.”

Zaena continues the rest of the story, how she met Ryuk and FeeTwix, their adventures thereafter, Tamana’s betrayal, their trip to Polynya, the attack by the Shinigami in Katiyana, the wolf and his owner, the catacombs, and their arrival here.

Throughout the explanation, Empress Thun keeps the grin on her face. Once Zaena has finished, she turns to Ryuk. “I apologize for imprisoning you earlier,” she looks at the rest of them, “to all of you. But precautions had to be taken, and I wanted to be sure your group was authentic before I had the cuffs removed.”

“Are you saying you knew all along?” Hiccup asks.

“Some parts, yes. And this doppelgänger, as you put it, isn’t the only one who has been running around under false pretenses.” She narrows her eyes at Zaena. “You weren’t being truthful, to yourself or your guildmates. I am sure Queen Renata and the rest of your family are worried regarding your whereabouts. I know for a fact they are, as I spoke with several of them earlier today.”

Zaena bows her head. “It was a decision I had to make.”

“I understand, and you can explore your decision more as your guildmates adjust to the significance of your origin. But that’s not what I want to say. Ryuk.”

“Yes?” he asks, his eyes going wide in anticipation of whatever she may say.

“This doppelgänger, this leader of the Shinigami … that is their name, correct?”

Ryuk nods.

“He is your brother, Kodai Matsuzaki.”

Chapter 26: Repetition is a Form of Change

Kodai is anxious to get the drop on Hajime, but he knows that it will be best to attack later on in the evening, when most of the people in the condo have gone to sleep. He’s already had his thugs secretly relocate the people that live on the floor below his brother. This family, the Ogawas, will spend the night at an exclusive onsen in the hills near Saitama.

His brother will be none the wiser.

The serpent woman’s spies saw him get arrested by Empress Thun’s royal guard. Ryuk won’t be able to log out, providing the perfect opportunity to ambush Hajime.

“You’re smiling.” Tesla sits across from him at his most frequented hostess bar.

“It has been a fine day,” he says, thinking about the massage she gave him earlier.

Tea candles in red glassware make the hostess bar feel both mysterious and shady. The mirror-colored pillar in the center of the room sparkles and shines as a waitress walks past. She stops in front of Kodai, bends just enough to give him a peek at her breasts, and places his glass of Nikko whiskey before him on a napkin.

As soon as she’s gone, Kodai waves Yugio over. “See to it that the new waitress doesn’t flirt with me.”

Yugio nods and turns towards the bar.

“I’m excited,” Kodai tells Tesla after he’s taken a sip from his whiskey. He sees Sarah over at the pollute bar, flirting with a customer, and he waits for a reaction to come to him. It doesn’t. He suddenly doesn’t care if she’s flirting or if she’s under his control. As his gaze returns to Tesla, he comes to understand why this is. “You look beautiful tonight.”

Kodai doesn’t see the three men enter the bar with weapons drawn.

Tesla jumps to cover him. The sound of shrieks meets Kodai’s ears as he scrambles to the floor, his ears ringing, his heart ready to explode.

A beat of silence and then more gunfire, this time from the bar.

Sarah! he thinks, suddenly feeling terrible, suddenly knowing all too well that she may have been caught in the crossfire.

He swallows his terror down.

As his employees scream, as his thugs return fire, as people scramble to get out of the hostess bar, Kodai’s feelings shift from fear to anger mixed with a notion to survive at all costs.

Bits of wood and glass spray through the air as more shots zip around the room. Kodai curses himself for not bringing his sidearm in. He keeps low to the ground, wondering where Tesla has run off to, trying to keep it together and stay alive.

I’m not going out this way, dammit!

His wits come to him and he sends a message to Yugio.

Kodai: Update me!

No answer.

Kodai hears the moan of a man not far off, he hears the grunt of another man who has had the wind knocked out of him. He hears sobbing, more scrambling to get away, glass shattering on the floor. A gun being reloaded. He shakes his head at his stupidity – why didn’t he just message her?

Kodai: Tesla! What the fuck is happening?

Tesla: Both gunmen down. I’ve kept one alive. Three hostesses have been killed. Two patrons are dead, three have flesh wounds. Yugio is dead. Yagami has also been shot and will die shortly. It’s safe to stand now. There are no additional enemy combatants outside.

With a deep breath in, Kodai pushes the table away to get to his feet.

He smooths his trembling hands down the front of his suit and makes sure his shirt is still tucked in out of habit. He looks left to see Sarah slouched forward on the bar; a splatter of blood on the wall near her head tells the story of her final moments.

“They got Sarah?” he asks, his throat suddenly constricted.

“One of the hostesses that was shot, yes.”

“Damn.” Kodai slips around the table, steadies himself, and turns to Tesla who stands behind a Japanese man with long hair, the muzzle of her gun pressed into the back of his head. The man defiantly spits blood as Kodai approaches.

“Give me,” Kodai tells Tesla.

“Your fingerprints,” she reminds him.

“Right. Good.” He clears his throat, steadies his gaze on the defiant man whose suit is slowly becoming saturated with blood. “I’ll make this unbelievably quick,” Kodai grits.

Fuck if he doesn’t want to kill the man himself, especially since he was clearly the target, not to mention they attacked him at his favorite hostess bar and killed his gaijin fuckbuddy along with several others.

And he’s already, in the time it took him to walk over to the man, calculated just how much this would cost. Damage control alone is going to be a bitch, and once other hostesses get word of this, it could definitely cause some distress and high turnover.

“I’m not saying anything.” The man bares his red teeth at Kodai contumaciously.

“I figured as much. Is he going to die soon?”

Tesla’s eyes flash black as she scans him. “The authorities will be here before then.”

“And if I try to disable you permanently, you’ll just become a cyborg and will remain a thorn in my side.” Kodai shakes his head. “No, no, that’s not going to do. Any ideas, Tesla?”

She lowers her gun so it now points at his back. Tesla shoots her hand out, touches his temple with her other hand, and smiles. “Got it.”

She fires the first shot into the man’s back and another into the back of his head.

Before Kodai can say anything, Tesla explains her actions. “Since he was shot, his life chip was put in a distress mode, which can be accessed by any humandroid who may arrive on the scene without his verbal or digital approval. His name is Itachi Uchiha, and his known associate is Gintoki Sakata, the owner of the pink salon that you had me put out of business earlier today. I believe this was retaliation.”

A moving image of Tesla entering N-Cats and taking out the humandroids comes to him. Gintoki Sakata acted fast. I should have been ready, Kodai thinks as he surveys the damage again.

“Is there any way for the authorities to trace that you accessed his chip?”

She shakes her head. “Everything I do is masked. All MercSecure agents are fashioned in this way.”

“Good. Please kill anyone else that is alive and delete all surveillance that links you and me to the scene. I will meet you on the rooftop.”

“Understood.”

“How long do you think it will take?”

“Two minutes, tops.” She points her gun at Kodai’s thug, Yagami, who’s pressed against an overturned table and breathing heavily. One headshot later and he’s done for good. With a quick swivel, she does the same for anyone in the room that is still alive.

“Ready?”

She nods, and they head to the kitchen.

“Anyone in here?”

Tesla does a quick scan of the room. “Clear. Let’s check the freezer.”

Kodai opens the freezer door and the chef runs out wielding a knife. Bang! He’s dead before he can take two steps back into the kitchen.

“There will be other witnesses,” Tesla says. “You will likely appear on their feeds, but I don’t believe there will be anything incriminating in them.”

“Anyone who exits through the front or back and isn’t an authorized employee has their feed wiped.”

Tesla turns her head to him as they exit. “Wiped completely?”

“No live feeds allowed in the hostess bar. This is common in these types of establishments; it prevents someone from coming here and reliving or sharing what they experienced at a later date.”

The door of his aeroSUV opens on its own and Kodai gets in the back. Tesla gets in the front and speaks to the vehicle for a moment, instructing its auto-drive functions.

“Where to?” she asks.

“Our plans have not changed,” Kodai says bitterly as the vehicle lifts into the air. “Ryuk’s place.”

Chapter 27: Get Woke

Ryuk is beside himself as his mind jumps from Tamana standing over him with her blade, to his doppelgänger looming over her shoulder.

It was Kodai all along.

“Your brother is the twat running around parading as you? Fick me, Marbles!” Hiccup throws his hands into the air. “What in the actual fick is going on here!?”

Zaena harrumphs.

“Sorry, Princess, like any normal mitherficker, I’m just a bit shocked by this sudden revelation.”

“Craziness!” FeeTwix says. “So that means … ” His eyes flash blue. “Your brother has something to do with NPCs coming to our world.”

Empress Thun stands from her throne.

Her guards and her attendants turn to ash and a lock appears on the large door behind them. Even though there are no windows in her throne room, thick velvet curtains fall from the walls, further insulating the space.

Her two baby griffins remain on their pedestals, sleeping as if nothing is happening.

“We need to speak to Sophia,” Ryuk says, his throat suddenly parched. He takes a deep breath to steel himself, to remind himself of where he is and that there are people looking to him for guidance. “Sophia will know what to do. That’s why we’ve come here, Empress, we’ve come to Porthos to meet her. We didn’t know Zaena was royalty; we didn’t know that my brother, as you say, is the one that is parading around as me. We came here simply to speak to Sophia.”

Empress Thun locks her dark eyes onto Ryuk. “If it is Sophia you need to speak to, I will call her here.”

A blinding spark in the center of the room gets Hiccup bitching about UV rays.

“Sheesh! Warn us next time!” the goblin growls. Before he can say anything else, an outline of a woman bathed in light takes shape at the center of the spark.

Sophia Wang Level 99

HP: 7399/7399

Mana: 3976/3976

ATK: 751

MATK: 1983

DEF: 1341

MDF: 4485

LUCK: 108

Sophia has elven features and puffy black hair. Her flowing white dress is embellished with golden thread and her feet are encased in a pair of sandals adorned with fluttering Pegasus wings.

Sophia performs the same full-body prostration the Mitherfickers suffered through earlier. Empress Thun places a foot on the top of her head, and once she’s done, the Mind Mage turns to them. “Hello, Ryuk.” She offers the others a tight grin. “You all may call me Doctor Wang.”

“Finally,” Hiccup says as he rubs his hands together, “we get to meet the good doctor! Fick, we’ve heard a lot about you, lady, believe you me. Probably enough to make your elven ears twitch even if we were a continent away. Hey! Dammit, Liz, keep your fickin’ ghost paws to yourself!”

Sophia gives the goblin a troubled, distasteful look. “I thought that removing the word ‘fuck’ from the goblin vocabulary would be a good thing,” she says to herself, yet loud enough for everyone else to hear. “Apparently, I was dead wrong.”

“Hold the fick up. You’re the fickin’ Mind Mage who did this–” Hiccup keeps speaking, his jowls flapping up and down as no sound emerges from his mouth. His face grows red as he points a finger at Sophia and starts silently yelling.

FeeTwix laughs. “You have got to teach one of us that spell!”

“You’ll have to be a much higher level to learn Silence of the Fools,” Sophia says.

Hiccup stomps his feet and crosses his arms over his chest.

The Mind Mage shrugs. “I can permanently take away his ability to speak, if you’d like.”

Ryuk looks from Sophia to FeeTwix. Next to the Swede, Hiccup is making an X with his arms as he looks to Ryuk with pleading eyes.

Hiccup: Don’t do me dirty, kid. I’ve always been there for you, thick and thin. Hell, I’m practically your fickin’ wingman! I’m the one that got you off those training wheels and put you on that fat hog. Now look at your ass, all grown up. A couple of fickin’ hours from now and you’ll be knee deep in Enway’s churro!

Zaena: You are a despicable creature.

Hiccup: Love you too, Liz.

“That won’t be necessary,” Ryuk tells Sophia, instantly regretting the words that come next. “Please restore his ability to speak once we’re finished here.”

Hiccup: Thank you, Marbles! See, Liz, that’s called chivalry. Get woke!

Sophia’s eyes flash white. “What is it you’ve called me here to discuss? If it is easier, I can simply read your thoughts.”

“That won’t be necessary, Sophia,” the Empress says. “Ryuk can explain.”

Ryuk steps forward and swallows down the nervous energy swelling in his stomach. This is it, the moment he’s been waiting for, and his thoughts race as he thinks of how he should begin. An image of his brother flashes before him and he casts it away.

There will be time to deal with that later.

(0)__(0)

“Everything started with Tamana,” he explains, and beginning with that statement, he concisely recaps all that the Mitherfickers have been through. He touches on wanting to get in touch with Sophia, and mentions her guild rule that former members aren’t able to freely contact current members, which has made it difficult.

“Rules are in place for a reason,” she says firmly, shooting him down. “So you were betrayed by Tamana, and before this, both of you had a digital hallucination in the real world after becoming resetters. Also, from what you can tell, these digital hallucinations are only happening to people from Tritania.”

“Exactly.”

A burp gets caught in Hiccup’s throat. He pounds his chest, and in the process, triggers a sharp toot that sounds like a bike tire popping.

Sophia floats into the air and hovers there.

“To be frank with you, I’ve already heard some about these digital hallucinations. I haven’t looked into it because I’ve been busy with other things. Now that the city has come under attack, and the fact that I believe an old foe may once again be making its presence known – although I can’t be sure – I haven’t spent as much time looking into the issue as I would have liked to. Chuntao,” she says aloud to some invisible entity, “compile all data related to Proxima-related hallucinations. What is your humandroid’s name?”

“Hajime.”

“Is that all you know? Do you know his handle? Most humandroids have a handle. For example, oh, I dunno, FDA Monitor 1351885. Something like that.”

“He works for MercSecure. He was created by the creator of humandroids.”

She scoffs. “I highly doubt that.”

Hiccup: Damn this one is, snooty! You didn’t tell us your old guild leader was a fickin’ biotch, Marbles. Actually, I kind of like her. Reminds me of Spewy’s mother. Real sexy broad.

“Really, that’s what he told me. Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Hold on. Chuntao, attempt to contact a humandroid named Hajime who works for MercSecure in Japan. Tokyo, right? Near Shibuya?”

Mind Mage, Ryuk reminds himself. “Yes, that’s right,” he says. “I’d give you my family name, but … ”

“But I can read it here and since this is a MercSecure humandroid, the name won’t necessarily match. I won’t pry deeper, but I do find it odd that you have one of these private security humandroids assigned to you. They’re dangerous.”

“You have a MercSecure droid?” FeeTwix nods, clearly impressed. “Those things are badass!”

“A humandroid?” Zaena tilts her head. “That’s right, your world’s version of NPCs, like me.”

“You’re not just any NPC,” FeeTwix tells her, even as Hiccup rolls his eyes.

“Good,” Sophia says as she reads a message that no one else can read. “Chuntao has established contact. If your humandroid can share their data with my AI, it will speed up the process.”

“He will,” Ryuk agrees, “but there’s another, related thing that Hajime suggested and I think it’s even scarier than the hallucinations that are taking place.”

“By all means, tell us,” Empress Thun implores.

“I know you don’t believe me,” Ryuk says to Sophia, “but my humandroid really was created by Hewman, that’s his name, I think.”

“Dr. Richard Hewman, the creator of the humandroid. Yes, it’s his name, and now that Chuntao has verified what you’ve said, I believe you.”

Ryuk glances at FeeTwix, who nods for him to continue. “Hajime mentioned that there was an experiment in the 2050s in which an NPC took a humandroid’s body. Know anything about that?”

Sophia lowers herself to the ground. “Ahem. Aiden?”

“Yes, Sophia?”

Hiccup nearly does a backflip when the masked man steps out of thin air next to the goblin. He’s the same guy who cuffed them in the courtyard earlier, the NPC member of the Knights of Non Compos Mentis.

Hiccup: Holy fick! It’s the ninja guy!

Ryuk looks at Aiden, who has a slice bang strapped across his back. “He’s been here the entire time?”

“We spare no precautions,” Sophia says. “Not after what we’ve been through. Regarding what you just said about an NPC taking a humandroid body – look no further.”

Aiden steps in front of the group and pulls his mask down to reveal a wolfish grin. “What? Were you expecting someone else? I’m not the only one who did it.”

Sophia cuts him off. “Before we continue this discussion, I need to know a bit more of why it is your humandroid mentioned this to you.”

“I think Hajime’s point was this: whatever is trying to come through to our world using people’s iNet feeds hasn’t discovered that it could be done via humandroids,” Ryuk says. “I wanted to bring this information to you, because I had a feeling you’d know more about who performed this experiment and what became of it.”

Sophia bites her lip, nods, and looks at the four of them, double-checking with FeeTwix to make sure he isn’t broadcasting anything. “It was me,” she finally says. “Through what I called ‘R-diving,’ reverse-diving, I was able to bring an NPC, Aiden, to a humandroid’s body.”

“So he could actually function up there?” FeeTwix asks.

“Yes,” says Aiden, his eyes suddenly sad. “And it was marvelous.”

“I was also able to do it with an RPC,” Sophia says. “But we shut it down not long after that. It was too dangerous.”

“Then you see where this is going,” Ryuk says. “If whatever force is causing these digital hallucinations discovers that it is possible for NPCs to take humandroid bodies, then it could … ” He shakes his head. “It could be the end of the world as we know it!”

“And you’re saying a Reborn Player Character can do it too?” FeeTwix asks. “What about just a regular Player Character? Could I take my avatar, and then using my avatar, R-dive, as you called it, and return to the real world?”

The look on Sophia’s face sours. “One of the founders of the Knights, um, got stuck in a Proxima world known as Cyber Noir – the second time he was stuck, I should add. Anyway, long story short, we used this technique to temporarily bring Quantum back to our world. He was in a humandroid’s body for several days.”

“Are you talking about Quantum Hughes?” FeeTwix asks. “Big fan over here! I’ve based my playing style off him and haven’t looked back!”

Sophia curls her lip for a moment. “We can speak more about Quantum later.”

“I hope so!”

Ryuk asks, “I get NPCs and RPCs being about to theoretically come … ”

“There is nothing theoretical about what I’ve just told you. Aiden actually came through to our world.”

“That’s right, and it was pretty kickass.”

“What I don’t get is why a Player Character would come,” Ryuk says.

“Because he was stuck, like I told you. It was quite a complicated situation, and I don’t believe any of you, especially the goblin, would be able to comprehend the details. But imagine a fully submerged person in a Proxima dive vat coming into a world such as Tritania, and from there, diving back to our world into a humandroid’s body. Of course, reverse diving, or R-diving, is much more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of how it works.”

“Craziness,” FeeTwix says.

“So I could go to your world?” Zaena asks FeeTwix.

Sophia shakes her head. “No, no, you couldn’t. No one can. I never told anyone how to do it and I plan to keep the secret to my grave because of situations like this.”

She approaches the Empress and they speak quietly for a moment. Once they’re finished, she turns back to the Mitherfickers.

“I need an hour or so to look into things in the world up there. I also don’t want any of you to go anywhere, just for safety purposes. I will see to it that you can’t log out until I’m back.”

“Nothing will happen to us up there,” FeeTwix assures her.

“What you four now possess is sensitive information. Once I’ve logged back in, your dashboard will be restored and you’ll be free to do what you’d like.”

“Fine by me,” Ryuk says, “but I need your word that we now have a direct line to the Knights.”

“You do. In fact, if it makes you feel any better, Aiden will keep you company.”

Hiccup throws his hands up in the air and fires off a message to Ryuk about extreme vetting and how the “balaclava boy” isn’t joining the guild.

(0)__(x)

Empress Thun stands, and as quickly as she appeared, she’s gone.

The room elongates, spins, and the Mitherfickers find themselves in a bedroom with six beds and a griffin tapestry on the wall.

The room is nearly the same size as the throne room, meaning it’s just about the biggest bedroom Ryuk has ever seen. Aside from the beds, there are tables, plush sofas around a fire, and a stack of board games in front of a floor-to-ceiling bookcase.

“He’s back!” Hiccup pumps his brass fist in the air. The goblin glares at Aiden. “So it was that Sophia of yours all along that cursed us goblins. What a fickin’ hater.”

“Call her what you like, but I wouldn’t do so to her face. I’ve seen her cast Skin Crawl on someone, and trust me, you don’t want to experience that.”

“Right, I’ll be a good little ficker when she’s around. Welp. Twixy, Liz, I mean Princess, Marbles, and um, ninja man.”

“If you must call me a nickname, ‘Morning Assassin’ will do.”

Aiden snaps his fingers and his medieval ninja getup is suddenly gone, replaced by a red Hugh Hefner Robe and a pair of fuzzy slippers. His hair is suddenly slicked back, and the look on his face is as wolfish as ever. “Feel free to get comfortable; we’re in the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall, FYI,” he tells Ryuk. “Just finished it actually. Me and the Brits and a few others took care of the construction.”

Ryuk recalls the six British members of the Knights.

When not farting around, fighting, fucking, or getting arrested – a feat in itself considering the Knights’ status on the continent – the UK crew generally hung out in a little castle they constructed for themselves in the courtyard outside.

Ryuk walks to one of the windows to confirm this; sure enough, the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall is on the top floor, and below, he can make out the Brits’ castle, a blacksmith’s shop, and a pen with a single sheep inside.

Ryuk has only been to this location once or twice, as it is the Knights’ headquarters, and from what he remembers Tamana telling him, it exists in the OMIB, not exactly accessible by just any member of the guild. His branch’s guildhall was in Porthos, near the piers.

It was much, much smaller than this.

“Shit, has it been an hour yet?” Hiccup yawns. “I’m already bored.” He pulls a healing portion out of his list and chugs it. “That’s right, let’s get comfortable.”

The goblin goes with the same outfit he was wearing at the DJ Ride the Lightning concert – a pair of boy shorts, a pair of boots, and nothing else. He plops down onto a couch and a scrollazine copy of Wet Goblin Holes: Sewer Edition appears in his hands. “Nope, still bored.”

He tosses the scrollazine over his shoulder.

Ryuk sits at the table and FeeTwix comes to his side. “You holding up all right?” the Swede asks.

“I still can’t believe it’s my brother that did this,” Ryuk says, his thoughts drifting away from the real world implications of today’s discoveries and settling back in on his family drama. “And he is clearly working with the Shinigami. I mean, he was there. So he knows about this. He must! It has something to do with the woman behind the door that I saw, the serpent woman.”

Zaena sits across from Ryuk. “My brother is still missing, unfortunately.”

“I’ll bet they have him.”

“We don’t know that,” FeeTwix says.

“We need to find the serpent woman and we’ll definitely need the Knights’ help to defeat her.”

Hiccup snorts. “Marbles, you always seem to be having women problems. A word of advice from a 154-year-old goblin with a penchant for being right and a track record to prove it – get yourself an orc girlfriend. They’re the best. They’ll clean up after you, cook for you, and keep you in line.”

Aiden smirks as he moves over to Hiccup. “Down for a friendly game of Three Cards?” he asks. “I’ve gotten hooked on it lately.”

“What’s at stake?”

“Five hundred rupees to start.”

“Pfft. I wipe my ass with five hundred rupees. You see the Swede over there? That Mitherficker is loaded, and you see the emo snowflake with black hair in his face? That dude promised me six percent of all the loot we find. So if you want to play with Uncle Goblin, raise the stakes. I’m no cheap ficker.”

“Two percent, net,” Ryuk sighs.

“Three percent, gross.”

“Fine.”

“Fick yeah!”

Ryuk returns his focus to FeeTwix and Zaena. “I’m trying to put all this together, and while a picture is forming, it’s just not … not clear like it should be.”

“Do you have a rivalry with your brother?” Zaena asks. “Maybe this is why he has come here and taken a copycat avatar.”

“I don’t know why he’d come here and take the same avatar as me or why he’d … ” Ryuk gulps. “I don’t know why he’d take Tamana.”

“Tammy made a choice, and we’ll keep killin’ her dead until she ficks off for good,” Hiccup says. “Now fick, stop distracting me, we’re negotiating terms here.” The goblin narrows his eyes at Aiden and says, “All right, ninja warrior, howzabout five thousand rupees on your end, and a case of Hopkins’ on my end to start? Twixy over there owes me a case.”

“I do not owe you a case. You didn’t behave, so no case.”

“Fick. Can I borrow five thousand rupees then?”

Ryuk looks to FeeTwix “You’re in charge of the finances.”

“Fine, five thousand, but nothing more than that. And start with smaller bets so you don’t lose it all at the get-go. Sorry, go on, Ryuk.”

Ryuk drums his fingers against the table. “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why my brother is doing this.”

“All of this will make more sense in the coming days,” Zaena says. “For now, let’s relax a bit. I believe there is food and beverages available.”

“Sure are.” Aiden says as he moves a card table between Hiccup and him.

The door swings open and two faeries zip into the room. “Dragon wings,” the goblin says before the faerie can ask what he’d like. “Lemon pepper, demon berry, and fried griffin eggs if you got it.”

“And you for, Aiden?” the faery asks.

“Horse Piss and pancakes.”

“Pancakes?” Hiccup asks. “Go on … ”

“Something a buddy of mine used to eat every morning for two subjective years. Good stuff.”

The goblin licks his lips. “I’m down.”

“Two orders of pancakes,” he tells the faery.

Zaena places an order in Thulean and FeeTwix orders a horse piss. “What about you, Ryuk? What do you want? Shit! It’s been an hour since I did an ad read.” His eyes flash black and his mirror appears in his hand. “WalMacy’s sale-o-rama, people! Sorry, it has been a fickin’ – ha! Hiccup’s word – long day but that doesn’t mean your local WalMacy’s isn’t open and ready to sell you anything you need. You won’t believe how much they’ve rolled back prices! Okay, people, listen in close … ”

“Sorry about this guy,” Hiccup groans to Aiden, “he’s a real huckster.”

FeeTwix brings the mirror even closer to his face as he whispers, “Super super super SUPER FLASH SALE! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and save 2% on your purchases for an entire year! Next twenty minutes only, guys. Terms and conditions apply. See store for details. Offer only valid in the United States and any of its territorial holdings. Whew! It’s a deal, people! Ryuk will have a pint of Piss,” he tells the faery waitress point blank.

“Yeah,” Ryuk says, “beer me.”

Everyone in the room, including Aiden, who hardly knows Ryuk, turns to the Ballistics Mage with surprised looks on their faces.

“What?” he asks.

Hiccup uses his mechanical hand to dab at his eye. “My young Marbles finally, finally got woke. Shit, better make it a Horse Piss for me too.” He snaps his fingers at the pint-sized waitress. “You heard me, lady, a Horse Piss and a warm Cherry Apollos with a little whipped cream on top. Bill it to Doctor Wang.”

“Right away, sir!”

Chapter 28: Friends in High Places

It doesn’t take long for Hiccup to lose the five thousand rupees loaned to him by FeeTwix. As another round of horse piss comes and goes, he borrows another five thousand, and once he loses all that, he promises Aiden double or nothing.

“You already owe me ten thousand,” Aiden reminds him.

“Fick you, Balaclava, I’m taking it all back!”

“I told you, if you want a nickname, it’s Morning Assassin.”

“What gives with that anyway?” he asks. “Why not Evening Assassin? Fick, it’d be much more fun to kill someone in the evening. We goblins have a phrase for that.”

Zaena, who sits at the table near Ryuk, laughs. “A phrase for killing someone at night?”

“Yeah, it’s called an After Supper Mint.”

“So you think that should be my new nickname?” Aiden rolls his eyes. “It’s too long.”

“No, I’m just saying that Morning Assassin sounds like something that happens to my bunghole the night following a couple rounds of dragon wings. It has a ring to it too, After Supper Mint.” Hiccup licks his fingers and goes for another wing. He dips it in white sauce and sucks it down. “These things should come with a warning: WILL BURN SPHINCTER. Something like that.”

Zaena cringes. “Then why do you eat them?”

“Yeah,” Ryuk asks as he takes a sip from his second pint of Horse Piss. “What gives, Hiccup?”

“What gives? Shit, you drunk, son? When’s the last time you spoke to an elder like that? What the fick, Twixy, I thought Japanese people were obedient or something!”

FeeTwix says, “You know, if NPCs ever do come to our world and stick around, I believe one of the first to come should be you, Hiccup, just so you can get a sense of things and so you can, um, stop using words and concepts incorrectly.”

“What have I used incorrectly?”

Ryuk laughs. “I believe you suggested we eat monkeys up there. And then there’s chalupa, and that’s just off the top of my head. Pretty much everything you reference from our world is skewed somehow.”

“Whatever,” Hiccup growls. “Are we doubling down, Afternoon Assassin? Or are you quitting like a fickin’ pansy?”

“We don’t have to bet, you know,” Aiden suggests. “You already owe me everything you have.”

“See, he’s scared! Third time’s a charm – that’s another goblin saying, Marbles. Keep up the fickboy act and I’ll have you be my note taker.”

A flash in the center of the room signals that Sophia has arrived. Her form appears alongside that of a short, muscular faun in a tactical vest. An extinguished cigar rests in the faun’s mouth, a golden medal is pinned to his chest, and two firearms with polished grips are holstered at his side.

The RPC icon flashes over his head and his stats appear.

Doc Level 99

HP: 7499/7499

ATK: 5,554

MATK: 1128

DEF: 8330

MDF: 4532

LUCK: 102

“What’s up, Doc?” Aiden calls over to the faun.

“Aiden.” The faun’s hooves tap against the ground as he takes a few preliminary steps.

“Having fun in Barbie World?”

“You betcher ass I am. Then Doctor Wang gets hold of me and tells me what’s going down. I got here as quickly as I could. So, is this the guild?”

“We have another member,” Ryuk blurts out. “Three other members, actually.”

Doc places his extinguished cigar in his mouth and bites down on it. “I’ve seen worse.”

“Marbles, Enway is not a member.”

“She is, Hiccup,” FeeTwix says. “She’s our new cleric.”

“Note to self: figure out a way to add a veto procedure to the vetting process.” Hiccup’s eyes flash. “Not this time, Goblinheimer’s! And we don’t have three other members, FYI. Conan and Dogbert haven’t been properly vetted. It really depends on if we have room. Four’s a company, five’s crowd. Or something like that.”

“We have plenty of room.” Zaena stands to greet Doc. “Ignore the goblin.”

“There’s a goblin in the room?” Doc asks with a twinkle in his eye.

“Hey!”

“I can silence him again,” Sophia says.

“Not a bad idea,” says the Thulean assassin as she approaches Doc. He extends his hand and they greet each other.

“You in charge?” Doc asks, his little goat tail twitching.

“Nope, he is.”

Ryuk feels something tap on his shoulder and ruffle his hair. He stands, and sheepishly makes his way over to Doc to meet him. “Ryuk Matsuzaki,” he says. “And this is FeeTwix Fajer.”

“Hiya, Doc!”

“And the goblin? Or do you guys just call him ‘goblin?’”

Hiccup crosses his arms over his bare chest, which still has blacklight-responsive paint smeared across it. “That settles it. I’m getting a fickin’ nametag. Hell, a tattoo, old English letters, right over my belly button. The name is Hiccup, which is short for–”

“–Hiccupanaratapana,” Sophia says, her nose held high. “I speak Thulean.”

“Cool, then you can fickin’ take the medal off the faun’s chest and stuff it in your mouth.”

Doc laughs. “Sophia has an Order of The Red Flag of The Hero of Socialist Fraternal Labor of The Peasants and Workers of The People’s Democratic Republic of Tritania medal too, Hiccup. We both have one. But I like the idea.”

“Doc!”

“Kidding, Doctor Wang,” the faun says, straightening up. “This is your show now, so let’s get down to brass tacks.”

“Right.” Sophia smooths her hands over her white dress and lifts into the air a few inches. “Ryuk, I need to meet you in person.”

Hiccup snorts, but doesn’t say anything else.

“In … person?”

“Yes. As your humandroid reported, there have been multiple attempts from NPCs to come through to our world using resetters. Since you are still experiencing digital hallucinations from time to time, I believe it is best if we meet. I will leave the US for Japan later tomorrow morning.”

“Just you?”

“I will have my AI Chuntao with me as well.”

“I’m dead, an RPC,” Doc says, “in case you didn’t already know through context clues. I’ll be overseeing the Knights in the meantime. Your guild – what was the name again?” he asks Sophia.

“The, um, Mitherfickers.”

“Got it. The Mitherfickers will act as a satellite of the Knights. It’d be best for the Shinigami to believe that you are all still in trouble. We can easily mask your handles and get new looks for you, hell, new avatars, but one of you livestreams so that’s a no go.”

FeeTwix says, “I can stop streaming temporarily, if it means I’ll avenge Tomas.”

“He’s the reason he came here,” Sophia informs Doc, again using her advanced abilities to read the Swede’s mind.

Doc considers this for a moment and says, “No, no. It would help, but your fans would come looking for you, especially if you just dropped the stream. No, the Shinigami should know we’re up to something. It’ll make them think twice about whatever they do next.”

He looks from Sophia to the Mitherfickers. “You all are running the show here and you really need to start grinding and level up. I’ve had my time in the sun. But if I can help in any way, let me know.”

“Thanks, Doc,” says Sophia.

“Yes.” Ryuk bows. “Thank you.”

“Later.” The faun waves and slowly fades away.

“So what now?” Hiccup asks after Doc is gone. “I don’t feel like fighting shit at the moment.”

“We will get levels later, starting tomorrow,” Ryuk says. “I believe we should go after the three Runestones of Tritinakh.”

“The what?”

“What the ink shadow told us about back in the catacombs.”

“Oh, fick that guy!”

“That’s a good idea,” Sophia says. “Going after the Runestones will at least bring you to a level that will allow you to travel to the next continent. You’ll still need to keep grinding, and if I were you, I’d do whatever I could to use EXP boosters.”

“You don’t happen to know Dirty Dave, do you lady?” Hiccup asks.

Her face hardens. “Yes.”

“Well, first off, lady, he ain’t fickin’ guilty. It’s the media out to get him.”

Sophia rolls her eyes. “No, he is guilty. Dave created Wizardous years ago based on a drug from Cyber Noir called Riotous. That said, he has proven useful in the past, and it is the only reason that he keeps evading authorities.”

“Welp, sorting that out is above my paygrade.” Hiccup glares at Ryuk. “Any-fickin’-hoo, that guy not only knows how to make good barbeque, he also seems to have all sorts of shit that can help us level up.”

“I’ll get in touch with Dave now,” Aiden says. He’s gone before anyone can say otherwise.

“Good. Then we have a plan. Ryuk and I will meet come tomorrow and your guild can get to leveling up. You two are free to log out,” Sophia tells FeeTwix and Ryuk.

The Swede shrugs. “Nah, I think I’ll stay logged in. Actually, if you are meeting Ryuk in Tokyo, do you think I could come? I could take a quick flight from Sweden.”

Sophia glances at Ryuk and shrugs. “What do you think?”

“Honestly, I rarely meet anyone.”

“We know you’re a loser, Marbles,” Hiccup says, “you don’t have to remind us. Hey! Who did that?” He bats his hands over his head. “Phew! It was Liz. Thought it was a ghost. I fickin’ hate ghosts.”

“I have no problem with you joining us,” Sophia says.

“Ryuk?”

“Sure, FeeTwix. Just for the day then, right?” Ryuk asks Sophia. “I’m assuming you two wouldn’t be staying for long. I don’t have much space. Well, I have some, but … ” He thinks of the thugs hired to protect him. “My life is a bit complicated on the outside.”

“The day works for me, Ryuk. I want to stay in one of those Proxima capsule hotels. They seem legit. Hell, maybe I’ll stay two days if it’s comfy. I have a ton of frequent flier miles.”

“Mile high club!” Hiccup adds.

“Do you even know what that is?” Sophia asks, baring her fangs.

“It’s when you get high a mile up. Like if I did some Wizardous while we were riding a dragon. Shit, we have a dragon. Forget to tell you that, lady. The dragon’s name is Snowballs, but as you can see, Marbles is an absent father.”

“Enway is taking care of Yangu,” Zaena reminds the goblin.

Sophia sighs audibly. “So it is settled then. I will be in Tokyo tomorrow and I will meet you both then. Chuntao, my AI, will get in touch with both of you to arrange the meeting. Because I’m not able to simply give you levels, you will need to grow stronger here. Searching for the Runestones of Tritinakh should help. In the meantime, Aiden will arrange another meeting with the Mitherfickers and Dirty Dave, but not here. It’ll need to be somewhere far from any guild quarters associated with the Knights.”

With that, Sophia spins and is gone before she can make a full rotation.

“I’m going to log out for just a second,” Ryuk tells his guildmates. “I want to tell Hajime what’s happening. I need to tell him about my brother.”

He lifts his finger, and as it has countless times in the past, the logout button appears.

Chapter 29: House Call

Ryuk wakes to the sound of something crashing in the living room. As the sine waves filter away, he becomes aware that he is now in his real world avatar.

He gulps in a fresh breath of air and removes his NV Visor. His bedroom is warm, the red light on the air conditioner signaling that the heater is on. His haptic gloves off, Ryuk first glances to the corner of his bedroom, looking yet again for the spider.

Nothing.

As his vision blurs into focus, more signs of a struggle meet his ears. His first thought is that his brother’s henchmen have come and that Hajime is handling them.

His heart pounding against his chest, Ryuk quickly casts this thought aside when a new, more sinister thought comes to him.

Kodai’s female humandroid.

As soon as his eyes adjust to the darkness of his room, Ryuk slips out of bed and crouch-walks to his bedroom door. Every nerve in his body firing, he closes his eyes and tries to discern what could possibly be happening in the other room.

His mind a whirlwind of fight or flight thoughts, Ryuk breathes as deeply as he can, hoping to center himself, to prepare for what may come next.

He doesn’t believe that Kodai is trying to kill him; something at the back of his mind assures him of this, but at the same time, he wouldn’t put it past his older brother.

Another loud crash shakes Ryuk to the very core.

His feet are suddenly Jello, his knees wobbly, his stomach in a knot, his ribcage barely able to hold in his beating heart.

Open the door, fight back.

Ryuk has never been a fighter, not in the real world, but as this thought comes to him again, he makes the brash decision that this is the only way forward.

One more breath in and he goes for it.

Ryuk cracks open the door to find Kodai’s female humandroid on top of Hajime, punching him repeatedly in the face.

The light from the kitchen gives Ryuk a glimpse of how bad off Hajime is. His face has been crushed and swaths of his face hang from his cheeks, revealing a mesh-like covering intercrossed with wires.

“Dammit, no!” Ryuk shrieks at the humandroid female.

“Stay where you are,” she tells him firmly, her eyes dilating as they take in Ryuk’s features.

One sickening crack later and Hajime has the upper hand as he punches the humandroid in the throat. Her boots screech against the ground as she struggles to get out from her pinned position.

The humgun.

Ryuk takes off towards the kitchen to the drawer where he knows Hajime stashed the weapon.

“Ryuk, go! Leave!”

The humandroid female leaps to her feet and produces a small blade from her belt. She swipes at Hajime, cutting into his chest.

“Hajime!” Ryuk reaches the drawer and shoves his hand in. He pulls out both the real gun and the humgun, and in his dash to get the right weapon, he drops the real gun to the floor.

He cringes, but once the gun doesn’t fire, but rather spins a few times, Ryuk places both hands on the humgun and points it at the two humandroids.

“Stop!” he shouts, his finger instantly finding the trigger. Having never fired a weapon, he tells himself it is just like his Marble Gun in Tritania, that all he needs to do is aim and fire.

It can’t be that difficult!

The female humandroid, the left side of her face twitching, looks at Ryuk and back to Hajime. One roundhouse kick later and Hajime’s knees buckle.

She steps on his already crushed face and digs her heel in further.

“No!” Ryuk screams as he hears a snapping sound. He triggers the weapon and …

… Nothing happens.

The female humandroid turns to him.

“Put it down,” she says firmly, “and let me finish what I came here to do.”

As she takes a step closer to him, a message flashes across Ryuk’s iNet screen.

Hajime: I am not dead, but she has shattered my vocal folds. If you plan to use the humgun, you need to turn the safety off. Use your thumb to do it. It will be on the right side of the weapon.

Ryuk feels around on the side of the weapon and notices a small, square button. He presses it and steadies his aim on the female humandroid, who is about three meters away from him.

“Put it down,” she tells him, one of her hands in a fist and the other wrapped around her blade.

“Nope. And fuck you.”

Ryuk squeezes the trigger and the humandroid drops instantly.

No flash, no bullet, no blowback or report. She simply drops, as if someone had flicked an off switch on her back.

Ryuk lowers his weapon, not sure of how he should respond next. He waits to see if she’ll move. She doesn’t. And after he waits another minute just to be sure, he clears his throat and asks, “Um, is that it?”

A message appears.

Hajime: Yes. You’ve completely disabled her.

“What now?” Ryuk places the weapon on the counter. It is cold; there’s no sign that it has even been fired. There’s something completely eerie about it.

Hajime: I need to visit a humandroid engineer. I was weaker today than I would have liked to have been, and I believe it has something to do with robosynthesis, and the fact I haven’t been recharging properly.

“Okay.”

Hajime: We need to call a taxi to take us to a repair facility. Before I do this, I want you to go to your room, get your sweater with the big front pockets, and grab the real gun. Kodai may be coming soon with backup.

“But I don’t … I don’t know how to use it.” Ryuk glances at the black gun on the floor of their kitchen and swallows hard.

Hajime: It is a precaution. I can tell you how to use it if it comes down to it.

“And what about her?” Ryuk asks, suddenly overcome with panic. Seeing two deadish bodies, even though they aren’t human, is really doing a number on him. He feels like he’s part of a crime scene, that the police will be there any minute to arrest him for shooting her.

Hajime: Leave her. My guess is that Kodai will be up here pretty soon with his thugs. Grab what you need. It’s time we find a new place to live.

“Where?”

Hajime: Let me worry about that. Grab some clothes, call a taxi, and let’s get out of here.

Ryuk bends to pick the real gun off the floor. He looks again at the bodies and at his bedroom door. A wave of anger rolls over him as he thinks of his brother, and how his own flesh and blood could possibly do this.

First in Tritania, now here.

A deep breath in does little to cool his anger. Kodai will pay, of this he is sure, but it will take a miracle for this not to end in a way that will adversely affect them both.

Hajime: Hurry. I’ve gone ahead and called the taxi. It will pick us up on the rooftop.

Ryuk moves to his room and grab a duffle bag. He places a change of clothes, his haptic gloves, and his NV Visor in the bag. From there he goes to the bathroom for a few toiletries.

He returns to the living room, his bag slung over his shoulder.

“How do I carry you up there?”

Hajime sits up quickly, which sends a bolt of shock down Ryuk’s spine. The damn near faceless humandroid turns to him and a light flashes behind one of his eyes.

Hajime: Sorry to startle you.

“It’s fine,” he says as the humandroid stands. “Can you see?”

Hajime: My sensors will do just fine.

The humandroid takes a step forward and his foot scrapes against the overturned couch.

“Let me help you,” he says, rushing over to him. Hajime lifts his arm and places it around Ryuk’s shoulder.

Together, the humandroid and the Tokyo youth make it to the rooftop. A cold rain picks up, the water beating against their two forms as the taxi lowers.

After he’s safely inside, and Hajime is next to him, Ryuk takes one more look back at his apartment, knowing all too well that this chapter of his life has come to a close.

Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet

(*as of the end of Book Two)

Ryuk Matsuzaki Level 19 Ballistics Mage

HP: 602/602

ATK: 118

MATK: 149

DEF: 89

MDF: 73

LUCK: 24

---

Skill: Tonsil Shot

Level Three: 1 in 9 chance of connecting.

Damage: 28% if enemy is less than level 30; 15% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Odds of instakill: 11%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 9

---

Skill: A Simple Request

Level Four: 1 in 6.25 chance of a request being granted.

Caveat: Only works with a clear marble.

Requirements: LUCK > 10

---

Skill: Cherry Poppin’ Daddy

Level Two: 1 in 10 chance of connecting. Enemy’s backside must be exposed. Higher levels increase damage and chance for an instakill.

Damage: 45% if enemy is less than level 30; 15% if enemy is greater than level thirty.

Odds of instakill: 16%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 7

---

Skill: Extreme Focus

Level Three: Can detect approach of camouflaged/concealed/stealthed enemies and objects.

Mage bonus: Higher levels allow sleuthing and increased accuracy. Also increases magic detection range when used in tandem with Magic Eye.

---

Skill: Inspire Others

Level Three: By inspiring others, you induce them to follow your orders. Higher levels allow for manipulation of enemies and random strangers.

Requirements: LUCK > 10

---

Skill: Magic Eye

Level Five: A colored glow indicates that magical properties are present. Higher levels allow for more detail and access to the Wikipedia of arcane knowledge. A red outline signals that a hidden enemy is near. A yellow outline signals that an object is enchanted. A dark blue outline signals that necrotic magic is being used. A green outline signals that algomagic is being used. An orange outline indicates a hidden trap is present.

Requirements: Level 13 Mage, LUCK > 8.

---

Skill: Splash Back

Level Two: Damage increases with higher levels.

Damage: 5% if enemy is less than level 30; 2% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Odds of instakill: 4%

Requirements for instakill: LUCK > 9

---

Skill: Gory Headshot

Level One: Odds of instakill increase with level.

Odds of Instakill: 52% if enemy is less than level 30; 32% if enemy is greater than level 30.

Caveat: Must be within five meters of opponent’s head.

---

Skill: Spit Fire

Level Two: Stuff a marble in your mouth and spit it at an enemy. Higher levels allow for more control and sustained magical abilities.

Requirements: LUCK > 7

---

Skill: Bonding Trust

Level One: Bonding trust creates an everlasting connection between you and another creature. Higher levels allow for direct communication between you and other animals as you instantly understand their languages and demeanors.

Requirements: There are no requirements for bonding trust. This skill is tied directly to your D-NAS, digital neuronal autoconstruct system, and based on your interaction with others up until the point at which you met the creature.

---

Skill: One in a Million

Level One: Use your slingshot and any marble of your choosing to take an impossible shot. Odds of connecting increase with each point you gain in LUCK.

Requirements: Level 10 Mage, LUCK > 10.

---

Skill: Levitate

Level One: By placing a marble in your mouth, you can levitate for thirty seconds. Higher levels allow for longer levitation.

Requirements: Level 15 Mage, LUCK > 12.

---

Skill: Knights in White Satin

Level One: Call upon the Empress’ guard to aid you in a battle.

Caveat: Can only be used once per day.

Requirements: Gifted by Empress Thun.

Discover more about Oric and Wolf in the Last Warrior of Unigaea Trilogy. Set in a different Proxima world, this trilogy see Oric as a Player Killer on a mission to save a dying world.

You won’t want to miss this, and it ties directly into the Fantasy Online series.

Download Last Warrior.

Be sure to check out the preview at the back of this book!

Back of the Book Shit

Reader,

Damn it feels good to be a Mitherficker. When I first released book one in this series, I was quite certain people would hate Hiccup, but my biggest fears weren’t realizes, so, I doubled down for this one and let Hiccup pretty much be himself to the fullest extent. If you haven’t listened to the narration by Jeff Hays yet, do yourself a solid and get both audiobooks (or as whispersync). Jeff’s Hiccup is just about the funniest thing I’ve heard in years.

Regarding the next installment, book three will be called the The Runestones of Tritinakh, and it will be released in the spring. I originally anticipated three to four books in the Fantasy Online series. Now I envision five. The characters are too fun and the world is too big not to add another book. Also, I don’t want to cheat you, the reader. The Mitherfickers have a long way of leveling to go to reach the third floating continent of Tritania known as Ultima Thule, where the Sage of Gotha lives, and I didn’t want to brush over this fact in the third book.

Plus, I have some ideas for Tokyo that I’ve yet to orchestrate …

So look for The Runestones of Tritinakh in the spring. Before I release it, I’ll release the final two Last Warrior of Unigaea books, a surprise release. Join my mailing list here to find out about that as soon as I drop it (and by joining, you’ll get a FREE copy of the Feedback Loop Box Set).



Click here to join my email list and get your FREE box set.



-----

Fantasy Online is connected

Okay, so if you haven’t already started in on my back catalog, now is the time!

Oric and Wolf and the necklace

Oric and Wolf have their own trilogy which takes place in Unigaea, another online fantasy world, six years BEFORE the Fantasy Online series. In this trilogy, Oric is a Player Killer on a quest to save a dying Proxima World. Some of the things Oric says and does in Fantasy Online are directly related to the next book in the series. The necklace he has and the necklace Zaena have also find their origin in the Last Warrior books, namely book two. A character from Fantasy Online Three, named Lothar, is also a character from Last Warrior (starting in Book Two).

Add this to your reading pile because it plays a role in the next Fantasy Online book. Get The Last Warrior of Unigaea here.

Quantum Hughes, Sophia, Doc, Aiden, Empress Thun, Jim the Hostelier, Dirty Dave, Bramtoker, DJ Ride the Lightning

The Feedback Loop series contains the origins of the characters listed above and more, including the French chefs at the Mondegreen hotel. Aiden, Quantum, and some of the lesser NPCs are introduced in the first Feedback Loop book, Dirty Dave in the second (mentioned in the first), Doc in the third, Sophia and Empress Thun in the fourth. DJ Ride the Lightning is mentioned several times in the Feedback Loop series and makes his epic debut in Fantasy Online.

An example of the connections to The Feedback Loop series (and how deep they run) can be found in a line in which Hiccup calls Ryuk “Bramtoker”. Bramtoker is a Player Killer who appears in the Feedback Loop books 3 and in a tournament in book 4. Quantum beat Zaena’s sister, Queen Renata, in tournament in book 4 and some of the locations, such as the guildhall at the end of Polynya (and the “Brits castle outside”) are from The Feedback Loop.

You can jump right into the Feedback Loop series with the box set here on Amazon, also available in audio narrated by Jeff Hays.

You can also get the box set (books 1-3) free by joining my mailing list.

Proxima World locations

There are subtle mentions of locations from a Proxima World known as Steam. These locales are first introduced in The Feedback Loop Book Two (Morlock) and Book Seven (Akrasia). There is also mention of Steampunk Santa, who appears in both those books as well. I will use the Proxima World “Steam” for a new series next year (2018// first book called Imperium and Beyond) starring “Sam Raid” who appears in the Last Warrior of Unigaea series.

Seriously, if you haven’t started the other stuff, now’s the time! I am planning a wiki in the future, alongside my facebook group (which you should join) to help people more easily jump into my Proxima worlds and see their connections.

REAL world locations

I lived in Japan off and on in 2014 and 2015 for a combined length of about 10.5 months. Many of the locations I mention, I’ve personally been to. This includes Ikebukuro, the location of Ryuk and Kodai’s mother’s office. I actually lived in Kami-iitabashi, which is about six or seven subway stops away from Ikebukuro.

Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to visit Japan to write any of the Fantasy Online series, using memories for inspiration. This may change with the last two books, as I truly miss living in the country.

All that to say – most of this book was written in Texas. I created the map of Polynya and outlined the final chapters in Chicago, and I reread/edited my final version of the book during an “Evacu-cation”.

What’s an Evacucation?

During the writing of Polynya, I lived an hour north of Houston. My wife and I evacuated the area because of Hurricane Harvey, which soon became a road trip vacation as we traveled to Santa Fe, Denver (do not eat the gummies!), Wichita, and Oklahoma City.

The “Snoop Dogg” ink shadow scene, as an example, was edited and improved upon after a discussion with Jeff Hays – Fantasy Online’s narrator who asked for the shadow to sound like Snoop – at a 24-hour donut shop in Wichita, Kansas. Other parts were edited/fixed/conceived in Santa Fe, at an airbnb near downtown Denver, at a Kroger’s knock off in Oklahoma City, and at a stinky hotel in Lubbock, Texas.

Thank ye!

Thank you, reader, for taking this journey with me and enjoying the Proxima Galaxy. I will continue to expand it going forward, so watch this space for exciting news and hopefully in the next year or so, a wiki page on the Proxima Books (Thus far: The Feedback Loop series, Fantasy Online Series, The Last Warrior of Unigaea series) and how they are connected.

Special thanks goes to Kay Smilie for killing the beta read of the book, to my editor Andi Marlowe @ Andromeda Editing for tackling this crazy book, to my ARC Team for taking a chance with this one and helping me spread the word, to my wife for letting me talk to her about goblins, Jeff Hays for voicing said goblin, to the members of the Proxima Galaxy on Facebook for making me laugh, the authors I know and enjoy speaking (here’s looking at you Luke Chmilenko, Apollos Thorne – Cherry Apollos!) and to my cover artists in Ukraine, who made Hiccup just as I had imagined him.

Mother of fick, I’ve said enough.

Harmon Cooper

Writer.harmoncooper@gmail.com

Join the Harmon Cooper Reader’s group here on Facebook.

Get connected with other LitRPG readers!

To learn more about LitRPG, talk to authors including myself, and just have an awesome time, please join the LitRPG Group!

I also frequent the LitPRG Society. Click the picture below to join this one or search it on Facebook. This is another great place to meet other readers, authors, and find out about the genre.

The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW

(aka, the back story of Oric and Wolf)

Out on Amazon now.

Chapter One: Cliffhanger

A small pebble bounces down into the valley.

I look up at the ledge to see my muscles bulge, my vein pulsing with blood. Digital life force. There’s a slight chill in the air but my body is warm from exertion. I’ve been hanging on the side of this cliff for twenty minutes now, waiting for my prey to walk along the mountain pass.

The things you can do in an online world …

My vision pane flashes and a couple pebbles skip past me.

I originally came to the Farthing Mountains to look for sunset roots so I could craft a few potions. I found one, but then I saw the orcs coming and figured at least one had to be a Player Character. If I’m lucky, two.

My grip loosens and I dig my fingers in tighter.

Don’t look down, I remind myself.

I still need to assign the attribute points from my last level-up – three points to be exact – and as I hang, I use the interface to transfer all three points into STRENGTH. My muscles expand and my chest plate made of Solidus steel tightens.

I feel myself get a little heavier, stronger, and more aggressive.

My character sheet appears:

Oric Rune

Class: Level 8 Player Killer

Subclass: Level 3 Herbalist

INFAMY: 38 Players killed

HP: 869/869

HP recovery rate: 2% per minute

ATK: 133 +51

DEF: 114 +30

Attributes

STRENGTH: 10

WILL: 4

DEXTERITY: 7

MIND: 4

SPEED: 5

I hear voices and mentally swipe away the interface. There will be time to pat myself on the back later.

(^_^)

Here they come.

The three orcs chortle as they make their way around the bend. They’re merchants, hopefully Player Characters, and if I’m ever going to get some loot and attribute points the old-fashioned way, it’ll be by killing these three.

I tighten my grip on the ledge, pull my knees up, and press the balls of my feet into the rock face. The red outlines of their bodies appear on my vision pane even though I can’t officially see them yet.

If I time it just right …

Almost there …

Now!

I latch onto the cliff’s edge and do something I would never be able to do in real life – bounce my feet off the rock face and use all my power to backflip up to the mountainside pass.

“Hey!”

I grab the first orc by the front of his chest plate and toss the slack-jawed bastard off the escarpment.

Instakill!

+1 Infamy!

A Player Character. Yes!

My sword comes out, as do the swords of the two other orc merchants. Their levels and anonymous handles appear next to their names.

Two level sevens? Damn.

“You’re going to pay for that!” the first orc seethes. A green icon over his head flashes.

An NPC.

The other has a blue icon.

Another Player Character, hell yes.

“Some good that shitty sword will do!” he screams.

I grin at him. If you only knew …

All avatars start in Unigaea with a legendary weapon that needs upgrading. This “diamond in the rough” approach gives new players something to immediately see to. Either sell the weapon for instant funds, or get it repaired and reforged. Hell, some even learn to reforge it themselves.

I’ve done neither.

I turn my sword over in my hand, waiting for one of the orcs to come forward. My legendary weapon was once a full-fledged buster sword, but the blade has since splintered into three distinct peaks. It’s still large – about as long as a skateboard – and sharp as hell too, but the blade’s odd form has taken many an enemy off guard.

Much to my advantage.

“You’re dead!” The NPC orc charges me and brings his smaller sword up to meet mine.

Our weapons clink together and I quickly overpower him, using my leg to sweep his feet out from beneath him. The other orc merchant attacks as his counterpart rolls away, spraying dust into the air on his approach.

“I’ll kill you!” the Player Character shouts. He’s much better with his sword than the NPC; still, I manage to get in a brushing swipe that connects with his shoulder.

-145 HP!

Thick ichor spritzes from his wound. He screams like a sissy and disappears in a flash.

I stupidly turn to figure out where he went and my vision pane flashes.

A rogue orc?

While my armor protects me from the NPC orc’s stab, I do receive some blunt damage. The other orc comes in for another swing; his blade lands perfectly in one of the valleys of my splintered sword.

This was why I hadn’t had my buster sword reforged.

The NPC orc growls, presses his weight forward, seethes, and tries to free his sword from the groove in my blade. I twist my wrist and grin at my unsightly assailant. He pushes his weight forward again, and I reward his efforts with a boot to the chest that sends him straight to the ground.

I come down hard with my three-pronged, splintered sword, tearing through his cheap leather armor and piercing his lung. I twist the blade, he cries out in pain, and I yank it out, arcing the air with blood.

-286 HP! Instakill!

I take a step back to catch my breath.

Wham!

The next sound I hear is my body hitting the ground.

(^_^)

My head stops spinning moments later and I find the rogue orc standing over me with his sword at my throat.

His face is covered in blotches, his teeth misshapen, pointy, and yellow. The other trait that defines him – aside from his poorly armored man tits – is his festering stink, one part sulfuric urine and two parts Limburger cheese.

I don’t know why a Player Character would want to play as a rancid orc, and I really don’t care.

Spit flies at my face as he shouts, “I wanted you to watch me kill you. This is what thieves get! This is what Player Killers deserve!”

I keep my eyes trained on him as I slowly pat my hand against the soil, desperate for the hilt of my weapon.

The orc kicks my Splintered Sword away. “Your broken-ass sword won’t do you any good now!”

He presses the tip of his blade into my Adam’s apple and snarls.

“Do it then,” I grit. “End this.”

“If you die, you have to start over completely. Level one,” he reminds me with a sneer. “You’ll lose your busted-ass sword too.”

This is the one thing that makes Unigaea one of the most addicting and most frustrating Proxima worlds in recent memory. It doesn’t matter what you do, nor what level you're at – if you die in Unigaea, your narrative ends. No respawning, no save points, no being brought back from death.

You start over with a level-one avatar, if you decide to start over at all.

A strand of my long brown hair falls in my face and I blow it out of my pane of vision. I smile at the filthy orc. “Do it.”

He’s just about to pull his arm back when an enormous black wolf tackles him, going straight for his jugular. The wolf whips his head left and right, sinking his teeth deeper into the orc’s neck.

-79 HP! -56 HP!

The huge wolf stops just before snapping the orc’s neck. The majestic beast, a deep shade of shadow and large enough for a human to ride, turns to me.

He bares his teeth and his ears flit back. Behind him, the orc chokes on his own blood.

“Easy,” I start to tell the beast.

The big wolf approaches me slowly, locks his big, blue-green eyes onto me and …

I reach my hand out to him. The wolf relaxes immediately and starts panting.

“Thanks for letting me finish the job, Wolf,” I say as I push myself up and run my hand behind his ear, scratching his favorite spot. He thumps his leg, sighs, and makes the cute whimpering sound he always makes when he’s happy.

Once I’m on my feet, I move over to the rogue orc and squat in front of him.

His eyes quiver as he takes in my form. His neck has been torn to shreds and the front of his armor is covered in blood, with a couple of bloody dog footprints. He coughs as thick crimson ichor boils from his lips.

I drive my Splintered Sword into his neck and twist.

Instakill!

+1 Infamy!

Bonus attribute point received!

I stand and wipe my bloodied blade onto his pant leg, suddenly disgusted at myself.

Wolf sits on his haunches and begins licking his paws. I walk over to the ledge for a moment and stare out at the magnolia pines below. I have to remind myself why it is I’ve chosen to do this, to go against everything I ever thought to be true and become a Player Killer.

I’m not yet strong enough yet, but I will be soon enough, I think, as a vulture lifts into the sky, screeching to signal to its brethren that dinner is ready.

My mantra for the last month still doesn’t change what I am, or what I must do to become who I’m supposed to be.

After another moment to collect my thoughts, I turn back to the two dead orcs, steeling myself for the troubling, uncertain journey that lies ahead.

Table of Contents

JOIN THE PROXIMA GALAXY

Table of Contents

Map of Hyperborea

Map of Polynya

Chapter 1: A Digital Spider in the Land of the Rising Sun

Chapter 2: Choose a Quest

Chapter 3: Port of Corpses

Chapter 4: Special Delivery

Chapter 5: A Scar is a Success Story

Chapter 6: Chalupa vs. Churro

Chapter 7: The Bronze Crystal Super Package

Chapter 8: Pink Salon

Chapter 9: Relics ‘R’ Us

Chapter 10: Someone’s Little Blow-up Doll

Chapter 11: Surprise Attack

Chapter 12: Wolf Trap

Chapter 13: The Takeover

Chapter 14: Extreme Vetting (For Fick’s Sake)

Chapter 15: Doing Oric a Solid

Chapter 16: Poisoned by a Seagull

Chapter 17: The Empress Speaks

Chapter 18: Cave --> in

Chapter 19: Imp Melee

Chapter 20: Mark of the Beast

Chapter 21: Warm Hands

Chapter 22: FeeTwix “Turncoat” Fajer

Chapter 23: DJ Ride the Lightning Rides the Lightning

Chapter 24: After Party

Chapter 25: Mani-Pedi and a Royal Confession

Chapter 26: Repetition is a Form of Change

Chapter 27: Get Woke

Chapter 28: Friends in High Places

Chapter 29: House Call

Ryuk Matsuzaki’s Character Sheet

Back of the Book Shit

Get connected with other LitRPG readers!

The Last Warrior of Unigaea PREVIEW