Poppet

Cider Drinking

THE GRASS IN the beer garden is still spotted with rain but the landlord has lit the chimineas and it’s warm enough to sit outside. They choose a gnarled old table next to the hedge that divides the garden from the street. The hedge is a dense evergreen laurel, but pedestrians can just be glimpsed passing on the other side.

AJ has lined up four glasses of different ciders on the table between them. Three are almost empty – Melanie is peering thoughtfully into the fourth.

‘You can see the bottom, can’t you?’

She nods. ‘And bubbles.’

‘Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but if I’m honest I’m going to say this one will appeal to you more than the other three.’

She looks up at him. ‘What – because I’m a woman, you mean?’

‘It does tend to be more of a lady’s cider. Sparklier. Sweeter – sort of golden, isn’t it? Appealing to look at. Not enough tannin in it for my taste.’

‘In that case …’ She pushes it away. Folds her arms petulantly. ‘In that case I’m not interested. You drink it.’

‘I can’t. I can’t possibly. I’ve got a reputation to protect – anyone could wander by and catch me drinking it. That’ll be my cred right out of the window.’

‘Misogynist.’

‘Dungaree wearer. I should have known it when I saw your car – Beetle – dead giveaway.’

‘Ewwww.’ She wrinkles her nose and peers at him as if he’s a cockroach just scuttled out from under the table. ‘A fascist.’

He nods happily. ‘And the worst sort of fascist. The liberal who got mugged – we make the nastiest conservatives. We’re as bad as ex-smokers when we meet a liberal – want to kill them. Attila the Hun was dangerously and irresponsibly liberal.’

She laughs. She’s got a sweet laugh. He’s surprised he’s just said that and wonders if he’s half serious. ‘I don’t really mean that,’ he says. ‘I’m not really a fascist.’

‘I don’t care if you are. It’s a tough system we work in. It’s tough to see the way it’s abused.’

‘A waste of taxpayers’ money. And we’re dancing to Brussels’ tune most of the time.’

‘I know it. And I also know that if I hadn’t been a woman I wouldn’t have done half as well. I was up against three men for the job – I was maybe as good as two of them, not as good as the other, but what panel member was going to give him the job ahead of me?’

‘You’re being modest.’

She gives a rueful smile. ‘Maybe. I don’t know. But I do still care. I do care about them – every last one of them. From Zelda to Moses to Isaac Handel to Monster Mother. I care about them all.’

AJ presses his lips together. He decides not to answer that. Zelda? He’s just not going to lie on that issue.

‘So.’ He changes the subject. ‘Have I made you into a cider drinker? Do you like it?’

She beams at him. ‘I love it!’

‘Another? I’ll get you a man’s cider this time.’

Her glittering smile doesn’t change. ‘No thank you. I’ll have a vodka.’

‘You hate cider, don’t you?’

‘Yes. I’d puke if I had any more.’

He shakes his head. ‘You’re so adventurous. Open to new possibilities – flexible.’

‘I know. Make the voddy a double.’

AJ gets the drinks. When he sets them on the table he finds he can’t keep up the humour.

‘What is it?’ Melanie says. ‘Has something happened?’

‘No,’ he says. ‘Nothing.’

‘Then what?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Don’t tell me nothing. It’s a lie. And I’m your boss.’

AJ’s trapped. He can’t say what he’s really thinking – it would be the cider talking – so he says the first thing that pops into his head that sounds vaguely funny. ‘Oh, you know. Just I found my first grey pube today. Forty-three and already I’ve got grey pubes.’

Melanie begins to open her mouth – all ready to answer that comment – then she realizes what he’s said and her mouth freezes as if her jaw has seized up. Her eyes open a little wider. AJ’s heart sinks. It was meant to be funny but he got it so, so wrong. The first rule of basic human psychology: never assume intimacy and ease too early on. He wants to defend himself, but of course it’s too late. Not only could this cost him any chance he might have had with her, she could accuse him of sexual harassment – he could get fired – he could be blacklisted.

But Melanie grins.

‘What?’

‘That,’ she says, ‘is the best answer I’ve ever heard.’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes. Is it true? Because I’ve had two since I was thirty-six. They glint at me in the bathroom mirror every time I have a shower. Sometimes I think they’re mocking me.’

Usually AJ can come back with something, but now he hasn’t a clue. For four years he’s thought Melanie was off limits – that she was too serious and strait-laced ever to be interested in him. But, in the last twenty-four hours, he’s learned she’s completely different outside the unit – a natural, lovely human being with problems like the rest of the world. She’s struggling with her job, she likes a drink, she’s been having an affair with someone she shouldn’t, and she’s got two grey pubic hairs. Which glint when she gets out of the shower.

He wishes she hadn’t said anything about the pubes and getting out of the shower. Too much – too much. He does that thing old-fashioned guys do when they’re nervous. He slides a finger into his collar and moves it side to side as if he’s struggling with his Adam’s apple.

‘Anyway,’ she says, ‘you’re lying. I can tell from looking at you it’s not true.’

‘Well, OK. It’s not true.’

‘Good.’

‘Actually, I noticed them two weeks ago.’

She shakes her head and smiles. ‘I mean you’re not worried about pubic hairs. It’s more than that.’

He feels defeated. And tired. He blinks. ‘OK, I’ll tell you the truth. I’m just thinking about what happened – remember our misunderstanding at that party?’

‘I do. And I don’t think it was a misunderstanding.’

He lowers his chin. ‘I didn’t misunderstand you?’

‘No. I flirted with you. I was single – I’d just got divorced. I was on the lookout.’

‘And,’ he says slowly, putting the pieces together, ‘by the time I came back and asked you, you were—?’

‘With Jonathan.’

‘With Jonathan,’ he echoes, thinking, What a twat, what a lame wanker he’s been. He puts his head in his hands and groans. ‘I can’t believe it. You mean, all this time – all this time, you and I could have been … ?’

She smiles a little shyly, holding his eyes. And then she gets half to her feet, puts her hands on the table, leans across and kisses him full on the mouth.