Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man

Where

Grammar school: Nurse’s bathroom. Bathroom is at the end of a hall, away from the nurse’s desk, has a locked door. Downside: it’s the bathroom the principal uses. Upside: no one is ever in the nurse’s office. Not even the nurse.

High school: Nurse’s bathroom. Dodgy at lunch. Second choice: boys’ room next to French class, on the second floor, in the old building. Almost always empty except in the morning before homeroom.

Home: Best is bathroom next to Dad’s den at the end of the house, on the other side of the front living and dining rooms (only when Dad is away). In spring, summer, and fall, during good weather, and when Dad is home: the woods. In winter or bad weather when Dad is home: kids’ bathroom upstairs, but hurry.

F

RIENDS’

H

OUSES

Derek’s: Basement bathroom.

Jenny’s: Behind the horse barn or basement bathroom.

Michael’s: Upstairs bathroom between Michael’s and Lisa’s rooms, above garage. If parents are gone or out in the barns, their bathroom at the far end of the house. If house is full, behind barn.

Adam’s: His father’s church across the street, downstairs bathroom.

Patrick’s: Abandoned bathroom downstairs, in the part of the house that’s been under construction for years.

Kenny’s: THE TOUGHEST HOUSE. Only two bathrooms, both near where people always are. Choose one and pray it’s over quickly.

B

EAR IN

M

IND

1. Try to use first-floor bathrooms (people below can hear you jumping).

2. Place rugs, bath mats, and towels in front of toilet to cushion footfalls.

3. If you have no choice but to use an upstairs bathroom: avoid bathrooms above rooms where people are, use extra towels, bath mats, and rugs.

4. Don’t overuse toilet paper when cleaning up. It clogs the toilet.

5. If there is a wall near the toilet, pee with your back to it.