Private Dublin

Chapter 63

I gave my statement to the Gardai and watched the firefighters struggle to bring the blaze under control.

Once I was finished, Conor released me from the scene. He was coordinating the operation and the nascent investigation. From snippets I heard of his conversations with uniformed officers, they hadn’t captured a single member of the gang responsible.

Adel and his family had been taken away to temporary accommodation along with the other occupants of the center. He and his wife and children had reiterated their thanks before they’d left. Much as I appreciated their generosity of spirit, they should never have been put in a situation where they were called upon to show gratitude merely for surviving. I couldn’t understand the hatred in men’s hearts that could compel them to visit such atrocities on innocents. Understanding and love might be powerful, but my experience had taught me that hate would always come more easily to some people. Still, I wondered whether those men ever held up a mirror to themselves. Did they question how they’d reached the point of throwing a firebomb at a building full of children? Did they ever ask where their lives had gone so wrong? What had damaged their moral compass so badly?

By the time Conor cleared me, the firefighters had got the worst of the blaze contained and were working on isolated hot spots here and there. The building had been gutted, and if it could be repaired rather than demolished, there would be months of restoration work involved. The rudimentary temporary home these poor refugees had had here was gone, and all their belongings likely destroyed. They now faced further hardship and uncertainty in their already uncertain lives.

“Are you okay?” Andi asked me during the cab ride back to Fitzwilliam Square.

I nodded, but I think I might have been in shock. The fire had triggered some of my own traumatic memories of the Sea Knight crash and the inferno in which my comrades had perished all those years ago.

“You don’t look okay,” Andi responded. “What happened, Jack? What did you discover?”

I still didn’t know if I could trust her, so I was evasive. “I can’t talk about this now. I’m exhausted. Let’s discuss it in the morning.”

She nodded, but I could see she was hurt.

“Have you spoken to Maureen or Justine?” she asked. “You need to talk to someone. You can’t bottle these things up.”

“I’m okay,” I told her. “At least, I will be.”

She didn’t press me any further.

We had the driver drop us off a few blocks from the house, and when we reached our temporary home, I gave Andi a perfunctory goodnight and went upstairs to my room.

I was eager to wash away the grime of the fire, and showered to try and cleanse myself.

When I came out of the bathroom, I found my phone ringing and recognized the caller’s number immediately.

“Justine,” I said when I answered.

“Jack,” she responded. “What’s going on? Where have you been?”

“Just following up a lead,” I told her, though inside my heart was breaking because I couldn’t tell her about the experience that had shaken me so profoundly. Her recovery must come first. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” she said. “Mo gave me your new number.”

I was so glad. I’d been thinking about calling Justine but hadn’t wanted to risk my distress being apparent in my voice and giving her any cause for concern. Her timing could not have been more perfect. The shower and some time and space away from the recent horror had stopped my mood from spiraling, and the sound of Justine’s voice brought me joy and relief.

We talked for over thirty minutes. I focused on her recovery, asking her what the doctors had said, which was all positive, what she’d been watching on TV, trash, and what she’d been eating — bland, nutritious hospital food. I told her about the visit to Lawrence Finch’s training facility and the pub lunch I’d had with Andi, both of which seemed so distant now, but I left out the latter half of the day and the aspects of this Ireland trip that would cause her grave concern.

When I heard fatigue seep into her voice, we said our loving goodbyes and I hung up, feeling more myself.

I put my phone on the bedside table, lay down and quickly fell asleep.