Purrfect Sparkle. Purrfect Cure

Chase immediately pulled to a stop, then put his pickup in reverse until we were back in the woods, unseen by whoever was staying in that cabin. Behind us, the other cars also pulled over, and the small contingent got out, careful not to slam their doors and proceeding cautiously.

In complete silence, with only the occasional sounds of crackling radios accentuating the peace and quiet, the officers all spread out, slowly circling the cabin. Uncle Alec, who was coordinating the operation, now joined us and said,“You’re up, Odelia.”

“Me? Are you sure?”

“They know you’re not a cop, and you’ll be able to keep them distracted while we move in.”

“Try to ascertain if Angel is in there,” said Chase.

“All right, I’ll give it a shot,” said Odelia. She glanced down at me and the rest of our feline squadron.

“We’ll be right behind you, Odelia,” I assured her.

She smiled.“Thanks, Max.” Then she took a deep breath. “Well, let’s do this, shall we?”

And so we moved in the direction of the cabin—single file. Arriving there, Odelia knocked on the door, and moments later it opened to a crack, two eyes taking us in.

“What do you want?” the owner of those eyes asked, not all that friendly.

“I’m sorry, but I seem to have gotten lost. Could I please use your phone?”

There was a moment’s silence, then the person said, “Wait here.” And abruptly closed the door again.

“He didn’t look happy,” said Brutus with a low chuckle.

When nothing seemed to happen, Odelia decided to give the door another knock. This time nobody showed up to open it, though, so I said,“Let’s take a look through the windows. See if we can’t find Angel.”

And so while Odelia patiently waited to be let into the cabin, we circled the modest dwelling, Dooley and myself tackling it from the right and Brutus, Harriet and Shanille from the left. This two-pronged attack would allow us to cover all the windows, according to my calculations. And when I hopped up onto the first windowsill and glanced in, I saw that a number of people dressed in black stood conferring in what looked like the main room.

“What do you see, Max?” asked Dooley, who’d remained on the ground.

I hopped down again, and said,“Let’s try the next window.”

This time we both hopped up to take a peek inside, and found ourselves looking into a smaller room, where a lone woman was nervously pacing the floor. I immediately recognized her from the pictures we’d seen as… Angel Church!

“She’s still alive, Max!” said Dooley happily. “The aliens didn’t kill her!”

Those aliens had looked remarkably human, so I told Dooley,“I think you’ll find that the kidnappers aren’t very alien at all, Dooley.”

“Oh?” he said, sounding disappointed. “So… no aliens?”

“No aliens,” I said decidedly.

Angel must have heard us, for she now approached the window and gave us a frantic wave. I gave her what I sincerely hoped was a reassuring wave in return, and said,“Hang tight, Angel. The cavalry is here to save you!”

All she could hear was me producing mewling sounds, of course, but she still seemed to draw strength and reassurance from my performance, for she gave us a watery smile, and then went right back to pacing the floor. I saw the remnants of breakfast scattered on the floor, and it looked as if a fight had taken place in there. At least she didn’t look hurt.

We hopped back down, and hurried to the front of the cabin, where Odelia was banging the door in a rhythmic fashion now, and yelling,“Hey! I need to use your phone! And, um—the bathroom, too!” She gave us a helpless shrug, and whispered. “I’m improvising here!”

“She’s in there, Odelia,” I said.

“Oh, thank God.”

“And she looks fine,” Dooley added. Harriet, Brutus and Shanille had also returned from their expedition, and Harriet said, “There’s plenty of people in there.”

“Yeah, looks like they’re in a meeting,” Shanille added.

“How many?” asked Odelia, bringing her phone to her lips.

“Um…” I thought for a moment, counting in my head. “Well, I saw… eight.”

“Yeah, me, too,” Harriet confirmed.

Odelia softly spoke into her phone, apprising her uncle of the situation at the cabin.

Her mission was now to distract those people, and make sure that they didn’t harm Angel, or take her hostage when the operation was finally set in motion.

I could see police officers approaching from all sides now, weapons out, and it was obvious that the situation could turn extremely volatile very quickly.

“We have to prevent them from taking Angel hostage,” I said.

“But how?” asked Shanille. “She’s in there and we’re out here!”

I glanced up at the roof, and saw that there was a small chimney. I gestured to the chimney, but Brutus grunted, “That probably leads to a wood stove, Max. Do you really want to get stuck inside a wood stove?”

“It won’t be lit,” I pointed out. “And it’s our only way in.”

I relayed my makeshift plan to Odelia, and moments later she was helping five cats onto the roof, which wasn’t as arduous as it sounds, since the roof was pretty low.

“And now what?” asked Harriet annoyedly as we sat around that chimney. “I can tell you right now that I’m not going in there. Can you imagine what that soot would do to my nice white fur? No way!”

“But Angel’s life is at stake, Harriet,” said Shanille. “We have to protect her!”

“I’ll go,” I said, but immediately Brutus held out a paw.

“You’ll get stuck, Max. Have you seen how tight that chimney is? I’ll go.”

“Wuggle bear!” Harriet cried.

“It’s fine, sweet peach. A little bit of soot won’t hurt me. It might even complement my natural color.”

“Oh, twinkle toes, you’re so brave!”

“I know, tootsie roll,” said Brutus with distinct lack of modesty.

“I want to go, too,” said Dooley after careful consideration. “I’m small and I’ll fit.”

“Okay, so why don’t you go first, Brutus?” I suggested. “And when you land safely you give us a sign, and then Dooley can go next and you can catch him.”

And so it was decided. Harriet looked on anxiously as her mate crawled on top of that chimney, looking butch and brave, then gave his lady love a little wave.“Wish me luck, buttercup.”

“Good luck, hot stuff!” said Harriet. “And do be careful!”

Luck’s got nothing to do with it,” Brutus growled. “It’s skill, hotcakes—pure skill!”

And then he was zooming down that chimney. There was a soft poof as he hit the wood stove and then his voice sounded,“I’m all right, you guys!”

“Dooley, you’re up next,” I said.

Dooley gulped a little, but then crawled on top of that chimney, to follow in Brutus’s pawsteps. “Any last words, Max?” he asked.

“Yes, Dooley. Aim for the eyes,” I said, my voice hard. Those people in there might not all be hardened criminals, but frankly I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry for them. They had abducted Angel, and I now surmised they had a very nasty ending in mind for her.

Dooley zoomed down, and landed with a soft thud, and finally Shanille said,“I’m going in, too. Angel is my human, and I owe it to her to do what I can to keep her safe from harm.”

And then it was just me and Harriet on that roof, and I have to confess that the tension was killing me. Harriet must have been affected, too, for moments later she was crawling onto the top of the chimney, and I blinked and said,“Harriet, what are you doing?”

“I can’t let my hubby wubby do all this by himself, Max. I’m going in!”

“But Harriet, your beautiful fur!”

“I’ll be fine, Max!”

And then she was sliding down that chimney, uttering a soft yelp!

I glanced down the tube, and knew that Brutus was right: I would never fit in there.

“Oh, curse those big bones of mine,” I muttered as I tried to hear what was going on.

But since there was nothing I could do up there, I decided to return to terra firma, and first scrabbled down that slate roof, then hopped down onto the stack of firewood, then finally to the ground below, hurrying around the small building back to the front.

I hopped up onto the windowsill that offered a view into the cabin’s main room, and what I saw there was a sight for sore eyes: Brutus, Dooley, Shanille and Harriet were engaged in some combative action with no less than eight nemeses! Now I don’t know if you’ve ever been attacked by a cat, but it’s not a fun experience, I can tell you! We like to use every weapon in our arsenal, including but not limited to: eighteen claws (five on each front foot and four on each rear foot) and no less than thirty teeth and of course our exceptionally limber limbs and bodies we can twist and contort with surprising agility!

In other words: you don’t want to pick a fight with an angry feline! We might be small and cuddly, but we can be pretty vicious when we want to be!

Odelia, who’d joined me at the window, now saw the epic battle unfold, and whispered into her phone, “Now, Uncle Alec. Go, go, go!”

And so from all sides cops came hurrying up, and moments later the inhabitants of that cabin, who were too busy fighting off four cats, were surprised when the cabin door burst open and a small contingent of Uncle Alec’s troops came storming in. And as they were all led out, I watched as Chase slapped the handcuffs on Carmel Kraft. The others were, I assumed, Amy Ollermann, Beatrice Felag, Jody Huix and Bridget Elfman. And if I wasn’t mistaken, one of the three men, who was sporting a nasty bump on his forehead, and plenty of scratches on his arms, was a kid I’d seen behind the counter at McDonald’s. Presumably the boyfriend of one of Angel’s besties.

Though with BFFs like that, who needs enemies?

33

The reunion between Marigold and her daughter was touching, and the fact that we were there to witness it warmed all of our hearts.

And then Marigold said,“I want to introduce you to someone, sweetie.”

“Who?” asked Angel, who was teary-eyed but otherwise looked fine, in spite of her ordeal.

“This is your dad,” said Marigold, and stepped aside to reveal Francis Reilly standing there.

Angel looked confused for a moment, as she looked from her mom to the priest, but then her jaw dropped, and she said,“No way!”

“I’m your dad, Angel,” said Father Reilly unnecessarily. He looked pretty nervous, but also determined to do the right thing. “And I’m really sorry for not telling you sooner.”

“Oh, my God!” said Angel, and then she was hugging her dad, and squeezing him so fiercely the older man actually groaned. “I knew it!” she said finally as she released him from her grip. “I mean, I always had my suspicions, and actually, if I’m totally honest…” She quickly wiped away a tear. “I always kinda hoped you were my dad… Dad.”

“You did?” asked Francis, looking relieved that she hadn’t slapped him across the face or given him a kick in the shin.

“When I was little I actually dreamed that you were my dad—and now my dream has finally come true! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!” But then she sobered. “Except that I just discovered that my best friends all tried to kill me. Which is kind of a bummer.”

“So who were the guys?” asked Odelia.

“Wesley Trygar and his two brothers,” said Angel. “I thought I recognized Wesley—Carmel only started dating him last month so I’ve only met him once or twice. And I never met his brothers but I heard they both have criminal records. Car theft and burglary.”

“And now they can add abduction to their rap sheet,” Chase grunted.

“Looks like Carmel set the whole thing up,” said Odelia, “along with her boyfriend and…” She gave Angel a sad look. “Your four other friends.”

“I don’t believe this,” said Angel, shaking her head. “Why? I don’t understand.”

“They wanted to teach you a lesson,” Chase explained, who’d briefly interrogated Carmel before having her carted her off to the police station for interrogation and incarceration.

“A lesson? What lesson?”

“Well, it turns out that you dated Carmel’s boyfriend. One Matteo…”

“Drews,” said Angel, nodding. “But Matteo was never Carmel’s boyfriend.”

“No, but she fancied him,” said Odelia. “And when you started dating him she felt as if you’d betrayed the unwritten girlfriend code that you never date a boy one of your friends likes.”

“But I asked her if she was okay with it and she said yes!”

“She felt you shouldn’t have to ask. You should have known he was off-limits.”

Angel stood shaking her head.“I don’t believe this.” She glanced over to the room where she’d been kept a prisoner. “So what were they planning to do with me?”

“I think at first they just wanted to hold you and scare you,” said Odelia. “To teach you a lesson somehow. I don’t think they had a clear plan in mind. But then they soon realized they were in big trouble. You can’t just go around kidnapping people and then say it was just a joke. So when they saw the attention the kidnapping was getting, and how the police got involved, I think they seriously considered… getting rid of you permanently.”

“Oh, no!” said Marigold, clasping a hand to her face.

“I’m afraid so,” said Chase. “Wesley Trygar’s brothers both have form, like you said, and one of them just confessed that they planned to shoot you and bury you out there in the woods. We found shovels in the trunk of his car and a tarpaulin they were planning to put on the floor before they shot you.”

“This is a nightmare,” said Angel. “I can’t believe Carmel would do such a thing—or the others. I’ve known these girls practically all my life!”

“So how did it happen?” asked Marigold. “How did they… take her?”

“They put something in her drink at the club,” Odelia explained. “And the plan was for her to pass out so they could bring her here. But she’d had so much to drink she threw up before the drug could take effect. It did give her a terrible headache, so Carmel dropped her off near the woods, and sent her on her way home, but not before instructing Wesley and his brothers to follow Angel home and grab her when they were safe from prying eyes and possible witnesses. They dunked her in the pond, to make sure police dogs wouldn’t be able to pick up the trail, and brought her out here.”

“She must have lost her phone when that happened,” Chase explained.

“The cabin is actually owned by Carmel’s parents. But they hardly ever use it these days, and had actually planned to raze it to the ground and build a new, bigger structure.”

“I’ve been here before,” said Angel now. “Carmel used to bring us out here to party.”

“Well, and the rest you know,” Odelia finished the story. “The boys guarded you while Carmel and the girls decided what to do with you.”

“Frankly I think the whole thing started as a prank,” Chase said. “But then it got way out of control—especially when they involved Wesley’s brothers, who didn’t mind spilling a little blood to make this problem go away. As far as your friends are concerned, I think they soon realized they were in way over their heads, and are now deeply sorry.”

“They should be sorry,” said Marigold vehemently. “And I hope they rot in jail for what they did to my baby.”

“I can’t thank you enough,” said Angel as she pressed Odelia’s hand warmly, then hugged her and burst into tears.

“Why is she crying, Max?” asked Dooley. “Isn’t she glad she’s safe?”

“It’s the tension,” said Harriet. “It’s all getting through to her and she’s realizing now what those so-called friends of her had in store for her.”

Just then, Uncle Alec walked in.“You better clear the cabin,” he said. “Forensics arrived and they want to go over the place to collect further evidence.” He caught Marigold’s eye and slightly winced, then offered her a weak smile. “Hey, Marigold.”

“Alec,” said Marigold with a distinct lack of warmth.

“Okay, so what is it with you two?” asked Odelia. “Come on, out with it. What happened that you don’t get along?”

“Uncle Alec said something he shouldn’t have said,” Dooley now announced. “He said your bed or hers and she didn’t like it.”

Odelia frowned at my friend. His explanations often are a little opaque I have to admit, and it didn’t make her any wiser. And when neither Alec or Marigold spoke up, Odelia insisted, “Well? I’m waiting.”

Uncle Alec finally cleared his throat.“Well, the thing is that…”

“Alec,” said Marigold warningly.

“The thing is that Marigold and I used to date.”

“Oh, you call that dating? We went out on one date!” She turned to Odelia. “And before it was over, he’d already dumped me!”

“I didn’t dump you! I said, very politely, I might add, that I didn’t think we were particularly suited for each other.”

“You dumped me! You even let me pick up the tab!”

“I didn’t let you pick up… did I? I can’t remember.”

“You did! We were chatting nicely, and suddenly, in the middle of the meal, you just up and left!”

“Look, I can explain. And I would have explained a long time ago, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Well, I’m listening now,” said Marigold. “This better be good.”

“I think I can tell you what happened,” said Father Reilly.

Marigold turned to him with a frown.“You? What do you mean?”

“The thing is, I specifically asked Alec not to go on that date with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I liked you, Marigold!” said Father Reilly. “But you’d already arranged that date with Alec, and when he told me I told him how I felt about you—only he didn’t want to stand you up, so he decided to go through with it, but then halfway through the meal, he discovered that he liked you,too, and he didn’t want to do that to me, so he decided the best thing would be to simply leave. And so he did.”

Marigold was speechless for a moment, a rare occurrence.“So… you walked out on our date because you liked me too much?”

“I’ve always had a thing for you, Marigold,” Uncle Alec grumbled. “But I could see how you were crazy about Francis, and he was crazy about you, and I didn’t want to stand in your way.”

“I was crazy about Francis, but he was unavailable—obviously.”

“Yeah, well, he might have been unavailable, but he still asked me not to date you—said he couldn’t stop me, of course, but…”

“I was still wrestling with my feelings back then,” said Father Reilly with a smile. “But when Alec and you went on that date, I realized that if I didn’t act then, I would lose my chance forever, and that I’d be miserable for the rest of my life. So Alec did what he thought was right, and I decided that I’d been given a second chance, and this time I grabbed it with both hands.”

“I came to you after Alec stood me up,” said Marigold. “And you comforted me.”

“And then one thing led to another and…”

“When was this?” asked Angel.

“Well, now, let me think” said Francis.

“Nineteen years, nine months ago,” said Alec with a flicker of mirth in his eyes as he regarded Angel.

Angel blinked a couple of times.“You mean…”

“Yeah, you were born nine months later,” said Marigold as she studied the tips of her toes for a moment, then glanced up at Alec and said, “If you’d told me this sooner…”

“You wouldn’t let me!”

“And then you made that crack about my bed or Francis’s bed…”

“I was jealous, all right—couldn’t help it!”

“Oh, come here, you big lug,” she said, and then they shared a long-overdue hug. She placed a smacking kiss on his cheek, and the Chief’s face flushed a pretty pink, his grin something to behold.

“Finally,” said Angel with an eyeroll. She rubbed her dad’s back. “See what a nice little kidnapping is good for, eh… Dad?”

Father Reilly winced, but then rallied and said,“Absolutely… daughter.”

And then the three of them hugged it out.

“Aww, isn’t this nice?” said Harriet. “Just like in a movie!”

“Yeah, only Father Reilly won’t be a priest anymore,” said Shanille, “so where will we live?”

“You can live with us if you want,” Dooley suggested. “We have lots of space.”

Harriet looked up in alarm.“We don’t havethat much space, Dooley.”

“Oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist, Harriet,” said Shanille. “I’m sure we’ll find something.” But she didn’t look entirely happy about this unexpected turn of events.

But then it was time to leave the cabin to the forensic investigators, and leave this latest adventure behind us. And so soon we were on our way home again.

Epilogue

“So what’s going to happen to Shanille now, Max?”

“I don’t know, Dooley, but I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

“But if Father Reilly isn’t a priest anymore, he can’t live in that big house next to the church, and so they’ll have to find another place to live.”

“They can go and live with Marigold and Angel,” Harriet suggested.

“Shanille said they live in a small apartment,” said Brutus. “I don’t think there’s enough space for three people and a cat.”

“Like I said, they’ll figure it out,” I said.

We were on the porch swing, while a barbecue was in full swing in the backyard. We’d all been fed to our satisfaction and now enjoyed that postprandial drowsiness that is so enjoyable.

“And if Father Reilly isn’t a priest anymore,” Dooley went on, “then how are they going to pay their bills? Because Marigold will be out of a job, too.”

“Why?” asked Brutus. “Marigold can keep her job, and they’ll still have an income.”

“But she can’t. She’ll fall in love with the new priest, and then what is Father Reilly going to do, and Shanille?”

“Marigold isn’t going to fall in love with the new priest,” I said, closing my eyes to enjoy a nice little nap.

“Yes, she will! That’s what she does. She falls in love with priests!”

“What are you talking about, Dooley?” asked Harriet.

“Well, Angel always falls in love with the boyfriends of her girlfriends, and Marigold always falls in love with priests. It’s something mother and daughter have in common: a fixed pattern for falling in love.”

“Have you been watching amateur psychology documentaries again?” asked Brutus.

“I’m just giving you my analysis of the situation as I see it.”

“Your psychoanalysis,” Brutus corrected him.

“Amateur psychoanalysis,” Harriet added.

“Well, I still think they should all come and live with us, until they decide what to do.”

“And I’m putting my paw down on that,” said Harriet. “Shanille living with us—what an idea!”

Shanille and Harriet don’t always see eye to eye, both possessing the diva gene. And as everyone knows, two divas living under the same roof is simply asking for trouble.

“So how did Max figure it out?” asked Gran as she enjoyed a nice helping of leafy greens.

“I think it’s the McDonald’s thing that decided him,” said Odelia.

“What McDonald’s thing?”

“Well, Angel has always been a big fan of those nights out with her friends, and more specifically the meal they all share at McDonald’s at the end of it. In fact it had become something of a ritual for the girls, and so when Carmel told us that Angel had decided to leave early and skip McDonald’s this time, it struck him as odd.”

“And he was right,” said Chase. “Because that never happened. What happened was that they put something in her drink to knock her out. And when that didn’t work, Carmel instructed her boyfriend and his brothers to snatch her.”

“Oh, and also,” said Odelia, “Max felt that when Carmel told that story about Matteo Drews, she told it with a little too much fervor. He felt that she was probably in love with the guy, and didn’t like it when Angel stole him—or at least that’s how she saw it.”

“It’s also important to know that Carmel and Mariko had stayed friends, and Mariko had told Carmel the story of how Angel had stolen her boyfriend. So Carmel got so upset that she convinced the other girls that Angel was a threat to all of them: the kind of girl who stole her best friends’ boyfriends. So they didn’t feel safe from her either. And from there to deciding they needed to teach her a lesson was a short step.”

“But I thought this boy Angel was seeing was gay?” asked Scarlett.

“He wasn’t. That’s just a story Carmel invented out of spite. A story Mariko loved to spread.”

“Damn,” said Charlene. “Angel’s friends sound nasty.”

“Mainly Carmel,” said Odelia. “She was obsessed with Matteo, and when Angel started dating him, she had a complete meltdown, and dragged the others down with her.”

“And to think we thought Angel had run away from home,” said Charlene. “That’s the assumption you worked from at first, right?”

“Yeah, that’s how it looked to me,” Uncle Alec confirmed.

“Chase and I actually thought Angel had been grabbed by a serial killer,” said Odelia. “Isn’t that right, babe?”

“Yep,” said Chase as he buttered a piece of French toast, then placed some Brie on top and ate it with relish. “We saw a distinct pattern, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, we figured that the skeleton that was found in Blake Carrington’s field was put there by a serial killer—the same serial killer who’d targeted Angel as his next victim.”

“So who did put it there?” asked Charlene.

“Flint Dibbert and Bart Stupes,” said Uncle Alec with a flinty glint in his eyes. “And their buddies. Turns out they thought it would be a good idea to dig up a body and dump it in that field. All part of a so-called ‘zombie challenge’ that’s been doing the rounds on social media.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” said Marge, placing a large pot of mayonnaise on the table—there were lots and lots of pots to choose from, after all. “But I thought the remains that were found belonged to a girl who disappeared five years ago? And was never found?”

Chase nodded.“Serena Kahl. Went to a party and never arrived home in Hampton Cove. I talked to her parents, and turns out Serena had drug issues. She did arrive home, only for her mom to walk in on her in the morning with a needle in her arm, stone-cold dead. And since her folks didn’t want their daughter’s reputation shot…”

“Not to mention their own reputation,” Odelia added.

“… they decided to report her as missing, and in the meantime arranged for a discreet burial. Money changed hands with two gravediggers, no questions asked, and Serena was entrusted to the earth. And since those same gravediggers figured they could make another extra buck at the Kahls’ expense, they decided to pocket the money for the nice expensive coffin they ordered and put her in the ground without one.”

“Which explains why she was in the state she was found in,” said Odelia.

“So turns out Odelia and I were wrong,” said Chase. He glanced over to me, then raised his glass in a salute. “And that Max was right. You did it again, buddy.”

“Yeah, Max always gets it right,” said Odelia with a smile.

“Only you almost got it wrong this time, didn’t you, Max?” said Brutus with a grin. When I pulled a face, he thunked me on the shoulder. “Just kidding! You got there eventually—with a little help from your friends!”

“Thanks, Brutus,” I murmured, feeling profoundly sleepy now. “I owe you one.”

“You certainly do. And I know exactly what I’d like in return for sliding down that chimney and risking my neck.”

“And for making my beautiful fur all dirty,” said Harriet. “Took me hours to get it clean.”

I opened one lazy eye.“And what would that be?”

“For you to tell us what’s going on with Tex.”

We all glanced in the direction of the good doctor, who stood manning his grill like a captain behind the wheel of his ship: wide-legged and with a look of keen awareness of the responsibility of his position plastered all across those kindly features.

Brutus and Harriet were actually not referring to the man’s dubious cooking skills, though, but to the red ball cap he was wearing. It was odd to see Tex with a cap, since he normally never wears one.

“I can explain,” said Dooley. “I told Gran that Tex should wear a hat to protect his hair from the sun, so that must be it.”

“I don’t think that’s the reason,” said Brutus, studying me closely. “Max, you know something, don’t you? Something you’re not telling us. Spill, buddy!”

I smiled and said,“I promised Tex I’d never tell a living soul, and my word is my bond.”

“But you have to tell us!” said Harriet.

“Yeah, Max, I risked my neck for you,” said Brutus.

“You risked your neck for Angel,” I corrected him.

“You can tell me, can’t you, Max?” asked Dooley. “I’m your best friend.”

I glanced over to Tex, then shrugged.“Okay, I guess I can tell you now. The worst is over, and soon he’ll be able to remove his cap again.”

“Okay, so what happened?” asked Harriet, assuming the position of eager listener.

“Well, you know how Tex has been fussy about his hair lately, and how he thinks—”

“He’s going bald,” Harriet said, nodding.

“So he tried different methods: first he tried Dick Bernstein’s method of rubbing mayonnaise on his scalp, but that didn’t seem to have the desired effect. Then he tried Scarlett’s uncle’s method of sipping and applying his own urine every day.”

“He did? Yuckety-yuck!”

Scarlett, who was telling the same story to Charlene now, but in hushed tones so Tex wouldn’t hear, seemed to derive a lot of fun from the tale, and so did Charlene, for she was giggling uncontrollably all the while.

“So the urine thing was a bust, too,” I said with a smile at the memory of Gran telling me the story after the fact. She’d even shown me the bottle. And then she’d implored me to give the poor guy a helping paw, for there really was a small measure of attrition, even if Marge didn’t want to see it. “And so I gave the man a break—a couple of tips from a cat whose fine fur has been the envy of this town’s cat population since time immemorial.”

My three friends glanced at my shiny blorange fur, and Harriet shrugged.“Gran should have come to me. My fur is much nicer than yours, Max. My fur isfine.”

“Okay, but she asked me,” I said, not wanting to get into an argument over which cat’s coat was the nicest—an argument I could never win!

“And so I asked Max to help out the poor schmuck,” Gran was now saying, relating the same story to Chase and Alec. Tex must have become aware that he was the subject of conversation, though, for he directed a suspicious look at his gathered family, who now all abruptly stopped gossiping, sat upa little straighter, and gave him innocent smiles. He waved at them with his tongs, they waved back, then immediately resumed their story.

“So I’d already told Gran that I thought the secret to the perfect coat of fur is our saliva,” I explained to my captious audience. “Since that’s what makes us stand out from our human counterparts.”

“I think you’re wrong, Max,” said Brutus. “I think the secret is in our unique diet.”

“No, it’s our genes,” said Harriet.

“No, I got it,” said Dooley. “It’s because we sleep so much, isn’t it? I saw a documentary that said cats sleep fifteen hours a day on average.”

“Why watch a documentary?” said Brutus with a grin. “Just look at Max. Though he probably sleeps eighteen hours a day.”

“Ha ha,” I said. “Very funny, Brutus.”

“Just kidding, buddy. It’s probably closer to twenty-four hours.”

“And because we sleep so much,” Dooley went on, undeterred, “we are always well-rested, and free of the kind of stress that makes humans so jumpy. Stress is a killer, you guys,” he lectured us, wagging his paw like a college professor. “It’s very bad for you.”

“Yes, professor Dooley,” said Harriet with an eyeroll. “Now let Max finish his story, will you? You have the floor, Max,” she added, giving me an encouraging nod.

“Thanks,” I said. “So like I said, the secret ingredient for a well-groomed, perfectly healthy coat of fur is our saliva. We groom ourselves all the time, which keeps our fur nice and shiny and in perfect health. So Gran duly relayed the message to Tex, who said: ‘How the hell can I lick myown head? It’s impossible!’ But like Gran herself at first, he’d missed the point: the secret is not in the licking itself, but in the secret ingredient contained in feline saliva. Which gave Gran an idea…”

“What idea?” asked Harriet.

“Well…” I hesitated. This was the tricky part of the story. “She made me an offer I couldn’t refuse—so I didn’t.”

“What offer!” Brutus demanded.

“Okay, so she promised to buy me some extra-special kibble she saw on some online pet shop, in exchange for…” I gulped slightly, then said quickly, “for licking Tex’s head.”

My three friends stared at me, and now I saw how all eyes turned to me—even Tex’s eyes, who must have finally gotten hip to the fact that he was the center of discussion.

“Oh, for crying out loud, Max!” the doctor yelled. “You promised not to tell!”

“I’m sorry, Tex!” I said, holding up my paw in a gesture of apology. “But the story is too good not to tell!”

“Take off your cap, Tex,” said Gran now.

“No,” said Tex stubbornly, as he went on grilling his sausages and steaks and whatnot.

“Oh, please take it off, honey,” said Marge.

“You know you want to, Dad,” said Chase with a grin.

“Oh, for Pete’s sakes,” said Tex, and then finally complied and took off his cap.

What appeared was an entirely bald pate—nice and shiny, like a billiard ball!

“Tex, what happened to you!” Charlene cried, bursting out in shocked laughter.

“Looks like my uncle’s methods didn’t work,” Scarlett added.

“It’s all Max’s fault,” Tex grumbled as he gingerly touched his cue ball.

“No, it’s your fault,” said Gran. She turned to her audience. “So Max decided to do as I suggested, and gave Tex’s head a nice, um, well, treatment.”

“You actually went and licked Tex’s head?” asked Harriet, eyes wide.

“Yeah, I did,” I admitted. “And let me tell you, it was a lot of work—the man has a big head.”

“He does have a big head,” said Dooley.

“Only turns out Tex is allergic to cat saliva,” I said. “He had a bad reaction—his skin broke out in a terrible rash.”

“Hives,” said Gran. “Worst allergic reaction I’ve ever seen in my life. Scaly, ugly red—”

“Vesta, please!” Tex cried imploringly.

“I’ve got pictures, in case you want to see,” said Gran gleefully as she took out her phone.

“Ma,” said Marge censoriously.

“Okay, fine—no pictures. But it was bad. Real bad.”

“She’s right,” said Marge. “We had to take my poor baby to a dermatologist.”

“The dermatologist said he’d never anything like it. And so he took pictures—to show to his colleagues and to his students,” said Gran with a grin.

“And so he shaved off all of Tex’s hair, and gave us a cream, which we’ve been applying diligently for the past week now. And it’s really cleared up, hasn’t it, honey?”

Tex nodded morosely, as he idly poked at a couple of charred mushrooms.

“The specialist assures us that his hair will grow back.”

“Let’s hope he’s right,” Tex grumbled, putting his cap back on.

“Well, at least now you know to stay away from experimental methods,” said Alec as he touched his own scalp, where not much hair was left. “You should wear your baldness with pride, buddy,” he added. “I do.”

“You’re not bald yet, sweetie,” said Charlene, as she gave her man’s pate a pat.

“I’m not bald,” said Tex stubbornly. “Just… temporarily… hairless.”

At this, they all laughed, and even Tex joined in, seeing the humor in the situation.

“So what’s the moral of the story?” asked Harriet.

“Never lick another man’s head,” said Dooley.

“I can tell you I won’t do it again even if they promise me the finest kibble in the world,” I said. “Did you know that human hair is much coarser than cat hair? I couldn’t feel my tongue for days. And also—that’s a lot of hair to lick, you guys!”

“You should have asked us to help you, Max,” said Brutus. “We could have tackled the man’s head together. You know, like the four musketeers. All for one, one for the bald one.”

“I don’t think that’s what the musketeers said, Brutus.”

“And I’m sure it is.”

“Okay, so maybe next time. Though Tex has sworn he’s never coming near cat saliva ever again.”

“I’ll bet it wasn’t so much the licking as the urine he poured over his head,” said Harriet. “Delayed reaction.”

“Or it could have been the mayonnaise,” said Brutus.

“Or maybe it was the combination of mayonnaise, pee-pee and Max’s licking,” Dooley said. He gave me a curious look. “When you licked his head, what did it taste like, Max? Did it taste like mayonnaise, or pee-pee, or both?”

“Shampoo, probably,” said Harriet.

I was pulling a face, and now asked,“Odelia, can you ask Tex if at least he washed his hair before subjecting himself to my… special treatment?”

Odelia dutifully translated my question, but Tex shook his head.“I read an article that shampoo should be avoided at all cost. Dries out the scalp. And just think of all those chemicals they put in there. So I stopped washing my hair a week ago.” He patted his head. “All natural, baby!”

Oh, dear. So that’s why Tex’s head had had such a funny taste. Yuck. Double yuck!

“Humans,” said Brutus, once he’d stopped rolling on the floor laughing. “You can’t beat them!”