Purrfect Swing. Purrfect Cruise. Purrfect Harmony

“Just hang in there, Rufus. You can do it.”

“No, I can’t. If this keeps up, I’m going to elope, I swear. Harriet has even ruined dog choir for us—dog choir! Which is now run by a cat!”

“Look, I’ll talk to Marge, all right? See if she can’t talk some sense into Brutus.”

“Oh, please, Max, do. Save me from—”

“Save you from what?” suddenly asked Harriet. Rufus saw to his horror that the monster had returned, to make his life miserable once more.

“Save him from that terrible noise,” Max was quick to say.

“What noise?” asked Harriet, looking as irritable and unreasonable as ever.

“The construction,” said Max. “It’s messing with his peace of mind, isn’t that right, Rufus?”

“It does,” Rufus said, directing a grateful look at the big blorange cat. “It really does.”

“I don’t see how Max can save you from that noise,” Harriet snapped. “It’s called building a house, Rufus. Noise is a given. So just get over it already, will you?”

And with these words, she directed a pointed look at Rufus, causing the latter to quickly jump up from his favorite spot and abandon it so Harriet could take over.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Harriet,” Max warned.

“Do what?” asked Harriet as she lay down comfortably.

“You do realize that dogs have fleas?”

Harriet glanced at Rufus, a horrified look in her eyes.“Fleas!”

“Yeah, it’s natural for all dogs to have fleas and other parasites. There’s nothing vets can do about it either. They treat them and a couple of days later they’re full of the annoying little bugs again. They’re used to it, too. Isn’t that right, Rufus?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” said Rufus, following Max’s lead. “I’m at a point in my life where they don’t bother me anymore. I’ve simply learned to live with them over the years.”

“Why didn’t you tell me!” Harriet demanded, suddenly jumping up as if the ground had bitten her.

“They do jump over to cats you know,” said Max, “and they are a lot more annoying for us than they are for dogs.”

“Get them off me!” Harriet cried. “Brutus, get them off! I can feel them crawling all over me!”

“Oh, dear,” said Brutus softly as he gave a curious glance in Max’s direction.

“Also, if I were you I wouldn’t eat from Rufus’s bowl,” Max added.

“And why not? Kibble is kibble,” said Harriet.

“Because they put something in dog kibble that’s very healthy for dogs but lethal for cats.”

“Lethal!” Harriet cried.

“Yeah, it’s called dognip. Dogs are crazy about it, just like cats are crazy about catnip. Only it does something nasty to our digestive system. Very nasty, indeed.”

“Dognip! I didn’t even know that dognip existed!”

“Oh, it does,” said Max.

“It stands to reason, sugar pumpkin,” said Brutus. “That’s why the dog food aisle is different from the cat food aisle. If dogs could eat cat food and vice versa, they wouldn’t have to sell it in different packaging now would they?”

“I always thought dog kibble was the same as cat kibble!” said Harriet, who’d plunked down on the lawn and was frantically scratching herself behind the ears. “Brutus! Come over here. Get rid of this flea. I swear it’s biting me in the neck!”

“Of course, twinkle toes,” said Brutus, and got busy plucking the imaginary flea from his true love’s fur. And since Harriet had a lot of fur, it was going to take him a little time.

Rufus flashed a quick grin to Max when Harriet and Brutus weren’t looking, and mouthed, ‘Thank you!’

And Max mouthed back,‘You’re welcome!’

25

“I’m sorry, sweetie,” said Alec, not for the first time. He and Charlene were in bed watching a Netflix rom-com, and Alec still felt bad about his mother’s behavior.

“It’s fine,” said Charlene, patting her boyfriend’s arm. “I’m sure she won’t do it again.”

“No, I’m sure she will do it again, but I also want you to know that if she does, you have to tell me immediately and I’ll make sure she gets a good telling-off.”

“You think she’s going to persist with this nonsense of the building permit?”

“You don’t know my mother. Once she gets an idea into her head, there’s no removing it, not even with a crowbar.”

“Well, if she approaches me again with an offer of fifty thousand bucks for a permit, I’ll tell her to ask you instead. How does that sound?”

“That sounds like something she’ll take in her stride and she’ll come right back at you with some other cockamamie idea.”

“Your mother really is something else,” said Charlene with a grin.

For a few moments they followed the exploits on TV, but it didn’t do all that much to keep Alec’s attention riveted to the screen, for a few moments later he said, “Honey?”

“Mh?”

“Does my mother’s behavior… give you second thoughts?”

“Second thoughts?”

“About us, I mean.”

She glanced over.“What are you talking about?”

“Well, now that you know what kind of crazy family I have, do you think that maybe… you regret getting involved with me?” he finished, giving her a rueful look.

Much to his surprise, she burst out laughing.“Alec, sweetheart, I knew exactly what I was getting when I got involved with you. I know Vesta, remember? In fact I’ve known her for years. You don’t get to be mayor of this town without knowing pretty much all of its constituents, and frankly Vesta is the kind of constituent you ignore at your peril.”

“So you knew what you were getting into and you still…”

“Decided to go through with it? I didn’t hesitate for a second, sweetie. Not one second. Look, Vesta Muffin is a cross all of Hampton Cove collectively has to bear, and besides, she’s not as bad as all that. She means well. She always does. It’s just that she has a very special way of accomplishing what she wants, consequences be damned.”

“She does mean well,” Alec admitted.

“Like now with this permit. She wants to make her family some extra money by renting out apartments. And when you get right down to it, what’s wrong with that?”

“It’s wrong because she can’t just build whatever she wants wherever she wants to build it—and also, my sister doesn’t want to open her house to a bunch of strangers.”

“Well, sure, that’s the bad part, but her intentions are good.”

“Her intentions are always good,” said Alec ruefully.

“Look, between you and me, and the rest of your family, I think we can handle one little old lady, wouldn’t you agree?”

He emitted a deep sigh. “I hope so,” he said finally.

“Why? What do you know that I don’t?”

“Oh, just that she started a watch war.”

“A watch war? What are you talking about?”

“Wilbur Vickery and Father Reilly have also launched a neighborhood watch, and Vesta doesn’t like the competition, so last night she rear-ended Wilbur’s car. And I have a feeling that’s just the beginning.”

Charlene gave him a kiss on the cheek.“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. And now let me watch this next part. It’s the best bit of the whole movie.”

Alec would have said that no part of any rom-com could ever be called a best part, but since Charlene loved these kinds of movies, he sank down on the pillow, and watched her enjoy it. And when she laughed out loud at the funny bit, he smiled, too. He wondered not for the first time what he’d done to deserve a woman like her.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_2]

Vesta and Scarlett were patrolling the streets of their town again, as was their habit of an evening, and this time they had a very particular objective in mind: the Hampton Heisters were still at large, and so Vesta had decided that the watch was going to bring them to justice.

Scarlett had her doubts about this lofty goal, but it wouldn’t be the first time that Vesta got what Vesta wanted, so she figured she might as well go along with it.

Vesta’s little red Peugeot had been fixed in record time, and once again declared fit for duty, and tonight they were patrolling the area where the rich and famous lived. It was a narrow strip of prime real estate along the beach, where actors and singers and businesspeople had built large and impressive McMansions, and it was along here that the Hampton Heisters had struck six times in a row, and it was only to be expected that soon they’d strike again, attracted by all the wealth that was on display there.

“Don’t you think that with one of their crew in prison they might give up?” asked Scarlett as they slowly cruised along the boulevard that connected the large mansions. Not that they could actually see those mansions, since they were mostly hidden from view behind large fences and tall hedgesat the end of long and winding driveways.

“I don’t think they’re going to be stopped by a little thing like that,” said Vesta. “These people are obviously addicted to the thrill of breaking into the homes of the celebrities they admire.”

“Admire? That isn’t the word that comes to mind when I think of this gang.”

“Of course they admire them, Scarlett. They collect their memorabilia, don’t they?”

“Probably to sell online.”

“Nothing they’ve stolen has been offered for sale, so it stands to reason they intend to keep that stuff.”

They passed a dark sedan, and when Scarlett glanced over, she recognized the two cops riding in the sedan.“Looks like we’re not the only ones patrolling tonight.”

“The police are under a great deal of pressure to stop this gang. Alec told me that the governor himself called today and expressed his concern.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, ouch.”

“So is it true?” asked Scarlett.

“Is what true?” asked Vesta as she scanned the street ahead for possible nefarious activities in progress.

“That you offered Charlene Butterwick money in exchange for a building permit?”

“And how do you know about that?”

“Someone saw you two arguing at the golf club today, and caught a few snippets of your conversation.”

“Probably the caddy,” Vesta grunted. “Yeah, so what if I did? It’s just a regular business transaction. If you want something, you pay for it. No big deal.”

“It’s also called bribery, and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal,” Scarlett pointed out.

“You shouldn’t listen to gossip,” Vesta grumbled. “Besides, she turned me down, and then my son had the gall to lecture me about it, so as far as I’m concerned, that chapter is closed.”

“You’re not going to try to build those extra floors?”

“I didn’t say that. I just said that this particular chapter is closed. Now will you look at that. Bold as brass!”

She was referring to four masked and hooded figures trying to crawl over a fence up ahead.

“That’s them!” Scarlett cried.

“Let’s get ‘em!”

Vesta quickly parked and they both got out, armed to the teeth with stun guns, cans of mace and Vesta’s old shotgun, and hurried in the direction of the hoodlums. And they would have reached them if another car hadn’t suddenly blocked them off by jumping the curb and two familiar figures crawled out: they were Wilbur and Francis Reilly!

“Drop your weapons!” Wilbur shouted, as he aimed what looked like a banana in a sock at them.

“They’re getting away, you old fool!” Vesta cried, gesturing to the Hampton Heisters, who’d noticed the altercation and were now getting back down, and onto four scooters.

“Drop your weapons right now!” Wilbur repeated, and pointed his banana—or it could have been a gun, of course—in their direction.

Meanwhile, the crooks had started up their scooters, and were taking off!

“You idiot!” Vesta screamed. “Just look behind you!”

“You’re not fooling me,” said Wilbur, still brandishing his weapon. “There’s nothing behind me.”

“The Hampton Heisters are behind you!” said Scarlett. “Francis, just look!”

And Francis did look, just in time to see the Hampton Heisters turn a corner.

“Hey, wasn’t that…” the aged priest muttered.

“That was the gang!” said Vesta. “You let them get away!”

“But…”

“Why did you stop us?”

“Because this is our territory,” said Wilbur. “This is where Francis and I patrol.”

“What territory?”

“We’ve decided that you can have the North side of town, and we’ll take the South,” said Francis. “That way we can both coexist peacefully, and not get in each other’s way.”

“Well, you just got in our way—big time!”

“Yeah, you could have told us about this territory thing,” said Scarlett.

“We just thought about it,” said Francis sheepishly.

“Oh, God—you two are hopeless!” said Vesta, stomping the ground and throwing her can of mace at Wilbur. “Hopeless!”

“What is that weapon you’ve got here?” asked Scarlett.

“Um…” said Wilbur, and removed a banana from the sock.

“I knew it was a banana,” said Vesta.

“People, maybe we should work together from now on,” Francis suggested. “That way maybe we can actually catch the bad guys, instead of sabotaging each other.”

“And now you think of that!” said Vesta.

Suddenly a police siren sounded, and the police car they’d spotted earlier came zooming past, flashing light and all, then disappeared around that same corner.

“Look what you did,” said Vesta. “Now the cops are going to get all the credit.”

“Who lives here?” asked Wilbur, pointing to the fence.

“Lil Leaky Fruit Loop,” said Francis. “He’s a rapper,” he added when they all stared at him in wonder.

“Well, at least we saved Mr. Fruit Loop the inconvenience of being burgled,” said Scarlett.

“Small consolation,” Vesta murmured.

26

Dooley and I had decided to skip cat choir for a change. It didn’t look like we were welcome there anymore, and since dog choir hadn’t really done it for me, a nice evening at home seemed like the ticket. And we were both sleeping peacefully at the foot of the bed—of course interspersed with the occasional trip downstairs to have a nibble and a pop into the litter box—when suddenly Odelia’s phone rang.

“Who can that be?” asked a sleepy Odelia as she grabbed for the device. She got it after the third attempt and muttered, “It’s Dan.”

“Dan?” said an equally sleepy Chase. “What does he want?”

“Dan? Hi,” said Odelia. “What’s up?”

She listened for a moment, then said,“We’re coming over.” She turned to Chase. “Dan says there was a breakin at the office. He’s already called it in but wants me to check if they took anything.”

“I’ll drive you,” said Chase, as he swung his feet from underneath the covers.

“We’ll come, too!” I said.

And so it was that we entered Odelia’s office in the middle of the night, when most humans are sound asleep in their beds.

Dan was waiting for us in his office, looking grim. He was dressed in his pajamas, his white beard looking as if a strong gale had had its way with it, his white hair tousled.“I think they were in your office but I’m not sure,” he said. A couple of Chase’s colleagues were already looking around to figure out how the thieves had gotten in, and Chase joined them.

Odelia quickly headed over to her own office, followed by yours truly and Dooley, and we found her computer on the floor, a chair turned over, plenty of drawers open and the floor littered with documents.“Check to see if they took something,” Dan advised. “I already checked my office, and as far as I can tell nothing was taken.”

“How did Dan know they broke in?” I asked.

“Dan had an alarm system installed last year,” Odelia explained after Dan had returned to assist the officers. “Whenever the alarm is tripped an app on his phone sends him an alert.”

She heaved her computer back onto her desk and booted it up.“It works,” she announced happily. Odelia also has a laptop, but she still uses her old bulky computer. It looks like a dinosaur, but unlike the dinosaurs refuses to go extinct. It’s synced with her laptop, which she mainly uses at home. She quickly started looking through her files.

“Did they access the computer?” I asked.

“Looks like they did.”

I glanced around at the mess on the floor. Fortunately the thieves had left Dooley and my little nook in the corner untouched. Then again, only the two of us have use for that cozy basket, those ultra-soft blankets and those plush toys.

“I don’t understand why anyone would break into a newspaper,” Dooley said. “There’s no money here, or anything of particular value.”

“Could be vandals, I suppose,” I said. “They’ll break in just for the fun of it.”

“I got it,” said Odelia. “They accessed the article I was working on about the Hampton Heisters. They put it in the trash but didn’t delete it, so I can easily retrieve it again.” She messed around on her computer some more, then announced, “They also deleted a chunk of emails. Looks like all the emails from last year.”

“Do you think it was the Hampton Heisters?” asked Dooley.

“I think so,” she said. “They must have been after my articles on them. Maybe wanting to find out where the investigation stands. Everybody knows Chase is my husband, so they must have figured I was an easier target than to break into the precinct.”

“Those Hampton Heisters are a real pain in the patootie,” I said.

Chase entered the office, followed by Uncle Alec, who’d also just gotten out of bed, judging from the electric hair he was sporting. “And? Anything?”

“They tried to delete my article on the Hampton Heisters,” said Odelia, “and also they deleted a bunch of my emails.”

“Those Hampton Heisters again,” said Uncle Alec grimly. “Ma almost caught them this evening, but that idiot Wilbur Vickery got in the way. And when a patrol car finally got wise, they chased after them but of course by then they’d already disappeared.”

“They tried to break in somewhere?” asked Odelia.

“Yeah, some rapper’s house.”

“You would think that with one of their gang behind bars they’d lay low for a while,” said Chase.

“Looks like they’re determined to keep going until they’re all caught,” said the Chief. “Look, you better go back to bed. I’ll deal with this. No sense in all of us sticking around.”

“You don’t think they’ll be back?” asked Odelia.

“They’d be crazy if they tried,” Uncle Alec grunted.

“Maybe it was the vlogger,” said Dooley now. “Looking for more material for his vlog.”

“Good call, Dooley,” I said, and immediately relayed this information to Odelia.

“Maybe he was looking for information on his sex maniac friend,” Dooley added. “Wanting to know if he’s going to be all right. Sex maniacs look out for each other.”

“If he really wanted to know if Carl Strauss was fine he simply could have gone down to the hospital and asked,” I pointed out. “No, I think it was probably those Heisters again. This looks like the thing that they do: break into places and make a big mess.”

“Let’s go home and get some more sleep,” said Chase, yawning, and so that’s what we did.

27

The next morning, bright and early, I was awakened by some kind of altercation or ruckus. When I went in search of its source, I found myself once more in the corridor, where a line had formed outside the bathroom.

“Vesta! Open that door!” Tex was yelling, pounding on the door.

“Will you please stop harassing me, Tex!” Gran yelled back from inside the bathroom. “A girl doesn’t like to be rushed, you know!”

‘You’re not a girl, and I need to use the bathroom! Now!”

“I was here first!”

“She’s always in there first,” Tex complained to his wife, who looked just as annoyed as he was. Then a look of determination came over him, and he stalked off, stomping down the stairs.

“Tex, where are you going?” asked Marge.

“I’m going to use that porta-potty!” Tex declared.

“You can’t use that! That’s for the workers only!”

“If I’m paying for it, I can use it!” And he slammed the kitchen door.

“What’s a porta-potty, Max?” asked Dooley.

“It’s a portable toilet that construction workers use when they’re on location,” I explained. “It works with some kind of chemical mixture that decomposes the, um… excrement and hides the unpleasant odor. So basically like a litter box for humans.”

“I’m afraid if this keeps up Tex is going to go berserk,” Marge confessed.

“He’ll be all right,” I told her. “A couple of months from now, when all this is over and you’re living in a nice new house, you will look back and laugh.”

“I hope so,” said Marge, who didn’t look like she was about to burst out laughing. “Ma!” she yelled, taking over the door-banging from her husband. “How much longer!”

“Maybe you could also use the porta-potty?” I suggested.

“Or you can use my litter box, Marge,” said Dooley, once again extending his magnanimous offer.

Odelia and Chase had joined the line, and Odelia said,“We really should install a second toilet downstairs.”

“Maybe we should,” Chase agreed. “Do you know a good plumber?”

“I can ask the contractor,” Marge suggested.

“You better not. We don’t want to distract them from the work on your house,” said Odelia. “No, I’ll ask Dan. I’m sure he knows someone who can help us out for a reasonable price.”

“Is it true what Ma said?” asked Marge. “Did they really break into your office last night?”

“Yeah, they did. Probably those Hampton Heisters again.”

“I’m going over to Lil Leaky Fruit Loop’s house,” said Chase. “Wanna come?”

“Leaky who?” asked Marge.

“He’s a rapper,” Chase said, as if that explained everything—and it did.

“Sure,” said Odelia. “Why? Did they take anything?”

“No, but Mr. Fruit Loop has a good security system, with plenty of cameras. So I’m hoping that maybe the Heisters got caught on CCTV this time.”

“If they keep this up, sooner or later we’re going to catch them. They can’t keep lucking out.”

Just then, Chase’s phone dinged, and he glanced down. “Dolores,” he announced, then frowned as he read her message. “She needs me at the precinct. On the double.”

I had to hand it to Chase. He really made haste when he needed to. About ten minutes after Dolores had left that message on his phone, we were at the precinct, wondering what could possibly be so urgent as to interrupt the regular Poole morning ritual.

It didn’t take us long to discover what it was: seated on a bench in the waiting area out front, four teenagers were biding their time. And when Chase and Odelia sidled up to Dolores, she gestured with her head to the foursome, and said, “They claim to be the Hampton Heisters. Said they’re here to turn themselves in.”

Chase and Odelia slowly turned to the teens, who looked nervous yet defiant.

“They don’t look like dangerous criminals, Max,” said Dooley. “They look more like the cast members of a Disney Channel Original Movie.”

“Yes, they do,” I agreed as I studied the foursome. They were two girls and two boys, and they all looked pretty normal to me: they wore jeans and sweatshirts, and wouldn’t have looked out of place in a school setting, which was probably what they were playing truant from right now. I would have estimated their age around seventeen or eighteen. In other words, Emma Hudson’s age.

“You lot, come with me,” Chase instructed, and watched as the foursome got up and followed him down the corridor and into the precinct proper.

Unfortunately cats aren’t allowed inside police interview rooms, so Dooley and I watched on as Chase and Odelia headed in. But since we’re both very curious kitties, we decided to take up position on Uncle Alec’s windowsill, and hopefully glean a little something about the goings-on from that position.

When we arrived there, we discovered that Ellie Pack was in with the Chief, conducting what was likely her very first solo interview.

“Thank you so much for this, Chief,” the girl was saying.

“You’re very welcome, Ellie,” said Uncle Alec, leaning back in his chair and looking well pleased. It wasn’t hard to imagine why he was so happy: in a box in front of him an assortment of donuts lay, and I had the impression that Ellie was the one who’d placed them there.

“Great interview technique,” Dooley remarked, who’d noticed the same thing.

“Excellent technique,” I agreed. “Ellie is a quick learner.”

“So your dad was a reporter? Is that correct?” asked the Chief as he picked a jelly donut from the box and took a big bite.

“Yeah, he was. Or at least that’s what my mom told me.”

“You never knew your dad?”

“No, he left before I was born.”

“You never met him later on?”

“Mom says they lost touch, and she has no idea where he might be. He could be dead for all we know.”

“But if he’s a reporter, there must be a way to track him down, right? Through the paper he worked for, or maybe some trade association?”

“According to Mom he quit his job so he could write a book. He moved to Alaska and that’s the last she heard of him.”

“So maybe he’s a famous writer and you don’t even know,” said the Chief with a smile.

“Maybe,” Ellie allowed. “And maybe he doesn’t even know he has a daughter.”

“You know what you should do? Go find him. And then you can write an article about how you found your dad.”

“You know, I was thinking the exact same thing. And if I find him, maybe the two of us could write a book together, father and daughter.”

“Wouldn’t that be something?” said Odelia’s uncle as he picked a cream donut from the box and managed to eat it whole in three big bites.

“Uncle Alec is an accomplished donut eater,” Dooley remarked.

“He’s a cop, Dooley. Eating donuts comes with the territory.”

“Do you think they teach donut eating at the police academy?”

“Of course. It’s part of the curriculum.”

He studied me for a moment, then smiled.“You’re pulling my paw, aren’t you, Max?”

“Yeah, I guess I am, Dooley.”

Inside the office, Ellie had gotten up.“I have to go. I have a meeting with the school principal.”

“Oh, you’re not in trouble again, are you?” asked the Chief.

“No, no. She called my mom yesterday and asked me to come in. She wants to discuss my future after my week’s suspension.”

“If you want I’ll put in a good word for you,” Uncle Alec suggested.

“No, that’s all right,” said Ellie. “Odelia has already done that.” She held out a hand. “Thank you so much for the interview, Chief Lip.”

“Just call me Alec,” said the Chief as he wiped his fingers on a napkin then shook the junior reporter’s hand. “And you’re very welcome. I think you did a great job on your first interview all by yourself.”

Ellie beamed with pride.“Thank you, Alec. Well, see you around, I guess.”

The moment she’d left, Uncle Alec turned to us and said, “Did you get all that, you nosy parkers?”

“Yeah, we got all that!” I confirmed.

“Eat another donut, Uncle Alec,” Dooley said, “You’re really good at it.”

Uncle Alec must have understood, for that’s exactly what he did—and with relish!

28

As Odelia followed Chase and the four Hampton Heisters into the interview room, she had to confess she was more than a little curious what they had to say. Only last night they’d attempted another breakin, and yet here they were, turning themselves in!

“This is Odelia Poole,” said Chase, introducing Odelia. “Our civilian consultant. Now tell me what the hell is going on here.”

They’d all taken a seat, and the foursome first exchanged hesitant glances, then finally a girl with long blond hair piped up, “We’re the Hampton Heisters, and we would like to turn ourselves in.”

“You’re the Hampton Heisters, and you’re…” He read from his notes. “Lorie Mitford?”

“Dawn Strain. She’s Lorie Mitford.”

“So you claim to be the Hampton Heisters, Dawn?”

The girl nodded.“At least that’s how the media has started calling us.” She directed a glance at Odelia.

“But why? Why this sudden attack of contrition?”

“Emma,” said Dawn. “We don’t think it’s fair for one of us to end up taking the blame for what we all did.”

“So Emma is the reason you had a change of heart?” asked Odelia.

The foursome nodded in unison.“We read that Emma is being accused of attempted murder,” Dawn continued. “And we want to state for the record that she’s innocent. She never attacked Carl Strauss. None of us did.”

“So who did?”

“I have no idea. But he was already knocked out on the floor when we got there.”

“Yeah, we found him like that,” said Lorie Mitford, who was the brown-haired mousy type, and certainly did not look like a vicious wannabe celebrity heister to Odelia. In fact none of them looked like hardened criminals. More like the foursome from Scoobie Doo.

“Why did you do this?” she asked. “Why burgle these people’s homes and steal their stuff?”

“It started as a dare,” said Dawn, who seemed to be the unspoken yet outspoken spokesperson for the group. “We’ve always been addicted to social media, and we’ve been obsessing about celebrities for ages, so one day we decided we wanted access.”

“Access?”

“Yeah, we wanted to see where they lived. We wanted to lie in their beds. We wanted to step in their shoes and poke through their wardrobes. And we wanted to get our hands on something that belonged to them. And at first it was a lot of fun. We broke into the homes of the people we’ve been following online for years, and suddenly we were right there: right where they lived. It was so cool, and exciting, and since we were there anyway, we decided to grab a few souvenirs.”

“You took more than just souvenirs,” Chase said.

“I know. I guess we got carried away.”

Chase now addressed a dark-haired boy with attractive features.“Miles Cotts?”

The kid nodded nervously.

“What do you have to say for yourself, Miles?”

“Well, it’s not as if they were ever going to miss that stuff,” said Miles as he swept a dark lock from his brow. “These people are so rich I don’t think they’d miss a couple of rings or watches or a small pile of cash. All they need to do is post an update on their Insta and they’ve earned it back already. So no, I don’t feel like we did a bad thing.”

“So what happened the other night, when you broke into Carl Strauss’s place?” asked Chase. He pointed to the second boy, who wore glasses and looked a little nerdier than his colleagues. “You, Hank… Choice?”

“Hank Joyce,” the kid corrected him, then pushed his glasses up his nose. “It was really strange. For one thing, there was no alarm we needed to cut. The doors were open, and the alarm was turned off. And then after we’d already gone through the place, we suddenly found Carl—Mr. Strauss—on the floor, and just as we were debating what to do, whether to call an ambulance, suddenly you showed up, and we had to make a run for it. And then you caught Emma.” Four sets of eyes stared at Odelia with a touch of hostility.

“So now what?” asked Chase. “You expect us to believe you? For all we know Carl caught you breaking into his house and you knocked him out cold, either in a panic or in an attempt to get rid of him before he called the cops.”

“Look, I’m telling you, we didn’t do it,” said Dawn emphatically. “And if you don’t believe us, ask Carl. He’s not dead, is he?”

“No, but he’s still in a coma.”

The foursome exchanged startled glances.“But… we thought he was okay,” said Lorie.

“Who told you that?”

“It was on his Facebook. It said he’d come to and he was saying that Emma did this to him. That she’d taken a swing at him and put him in the hospital.”

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read on Facebook,” said Odelia.

“Besides, Carl Strauss doesn’t have a social media presence,” Chase added. “We asked his manager, and he decided a long time ago that he didn’t want that kind of exposure.”

“But… he has a Facebook page. It even has the blue tick.”

“What blue tick?”

“The blue tick that says that the page is representative of the real person.”

“I don’t know about any ticks, whether blue or otherwise, but Carl is still in the hospital, and he hasn’t come to. But you are right that Emma is still our main suspect, so you made the right decision when you decided to turn yourselves in.”

“What’s going to happen now?” asked Dawn in a small voice.

“Now you’re all going to be charged with multiple cases of burglary and in the morning you’ll appear in juvenile court to be arraigned.” He paused. “So if I were you, I’d get in touch with a good lawyer.”

“Oh, before I forget,” said Odelia, “when you were in Carl’s house, you didn’t happen to see anyone else there, did you?”

“Apart from you, you mean?” asked Hank. “No, no one.”

“Carl was supposed to meet a girl that night,” Chase explained. “A girl named Zoe?”

“We didn’t see anyone else there. Though like I said, the alarm was switched off, and the front door was open, so it definitely looked as if someone had been in there before we arrived. And that someone is probably the person who attacked Carl.”

29

We were back at the house, where Odelia had set up a big meeting: the meeting of the neighborhood watches!

On her left sat Wilbur Vickery and Father Francis Reilly, on her right sat Gran and Scarlett, and under the table sat Dooley and myself, eager to discover what solution Odelia had in mind to end the war of the watches once and for all.

“Look, this is ridiculous,” said Wilbur. “I asked Vesta to be allowed back in and she said no. So fine. It’s her watch. If she doesn’t want us, that’s all right by me. But she can’t tell us not to form our own watch. That’s the way tyranny lies, and I for one am against tyranny. This is a free country and if Francis and I want to start a watch, she can’t stop us.”

“Well spoken, Wilbur,” Father Reilly murmured.

“I’m not saying you can’t start a watch,” said Vesta. “You can start all the watches you want. But not here. Not in Hampton Cove. That’s ours to guard.”

“So where do you want us to start a neighborhood watch if not in our neighborhood?”

“I don’t care! Patrol the ocean, if you like. Plenty of drug traffickers out there.”

“I’m not going to let you tell us where we can and cannot patrol!” said Wilbur, getting a little hot under his collar again.

“Quiet, please,” said Odelia, holding up her hands like a King Solomon about to issue a ruling. “Look, there’s absolutely no reason you can’t both exist side by side. Hampton Cove is a big town. Big enough for two neighborhood watches. All you need to do is come to some kind of arrangement.”

“What arrangement? What are you talking about?” asked Gran.

“Either you divide Hampton Cove up into zones, and you each take a specific zone, or you take a different time block, for instance. Gran and Scarlett could patrol between the hours of ten and midnight, and then Wilbur and Father Reilly take midnight to two.”

“I’m not taking midnight to two,” said Wilbur. “I’m in my shop at six. I’m not going to spend half the night patrolling while Vesta and Scarlett could just as easily take that time slot. They don’t have to work for a living. They can live off their fat pensions.”

“For your information, I don’t have a fat pension,” said Gran. “I also work for a living.”

“You call that working? Gabbing away the morning with your son-in-law’s patients?”

“Hey, gabbing is hard work!”

“Or you—spending all your time at the spa,” he added, giving Scarlett a nasty look.

“Hey, it’s hard work to look this good,” said Scarlett, gesturing to her admittedly voluptuous body.

“Look, I didn’t invite you here to argue,” said Odelia. “We’re going to come to some kind of arrangement, and if you can’t play nice, I’m going to follow my uncle’s advice and tell you right here and now that there will be no more neighborhood watch.”

A collective howl of indignation rose up.“You can’t tell us not to patrol!” said Gran. “Like Wilbur said, that’s tyranny!”

“Oh, yes, we can,” said Odelia. “We can give you all house arrest, and mark my words, this will happen if you don’t all get along. After last night’s fiasco, we’ve had it up to here with you.” She gestured to her neck, then raised her hand to her lips, then thought better of it and ended up indicating her eyeballs, showing us she really was fed up with this neighborhood watch nonsense.

“You’re going to give us house arrest?” asked Gran, looking shocked.

“Yes, we are. You’ll all be grounded—for life, if it’s up to me!”

“Oh, my God!” said Scarlett with a high-pitched laugh. “I feel like I’m back in school!”

“Grounded!” said Wilbur. “You can’t ground me, young lady. I’m a business owner. A prominent member of this community. I personally know Mayor Butterwick!”

“Watch me,” said Odelia, and she didn’t look like she was kidding either.

For a moment, no one spoke, then finally Gran said,“I guess we could come to some kind of arrangement. Like, maybe you and Francis patrol the first part of the night, and then Scarlett and I will take the second part.”

“Or we could alternate,” said Wilbur. “One week Francis and I take the first shift, and then the other week we take the second shift.”

“I guess that’s a good idea,” said Scarlett. “I mean, like Odelia said, Hampton Cove is a big town, and to patrol all of it in one night all by ourselves is pretty much impossible.”

“Yeah, I told you this town is too big for one watch to cover, didn’t I?” said Gran.

“You never told me any such thing.”

“No, but I was thinking it.”

“I like it,” said Father Reilly. “I can’t afford to spend the whole night out there. I have Mass in the morning, and other obligations. But a couple of hours every night is doable.”

The atmosphere around the table became more relaxed and convivial, and it didn’t take long for the four neighborhood watch members to start joking back and forth, and before long they were already talking about switching things up: Gran riding with Father Reilly some nights, or Scarlett and Wilbur teaming up. In other words: “Cooperation, people!” said Gran. “I told you all along that the secret to success is cooperation!”

“No, you didn’t,” said Scarlett.

“But I was thinking it.”

And it was a sign of this sudden entente that they all laughed heartily at this.

And then of course the conversation turned to the Hampton Heisters, and last night’s breakin at the Gazette.

“So they deleted a bunch of emails, huh?” said Father Reilly. “How strange.”

“Yeah, all my emails from last year,” said Odelia. “And when we asked the Hampton Heisters they claimed it wasn’t them. They could be lying, of course.”

And as she explained what else had been deleted, suddenly I had what is commonly termed a brainwave, and for a moment I was lost to the world. A persistently ringing phone brought me back. It was Odelia’s phone, and after she’d listened for a moment, then hung up, she said, in a somber tone, “That was Chase. Carl Strauss just died.”

“Carl is dead?!” Gran exclaimed.

Odelia nodded.“Chase is going to pick up Erica Barn for questioning. This is a murder investigation now, and if those Hampton Heisters are right, and they’re innocent, then Erica is our most likely suspect.”

“Odelia?” I suddenly piped up.

Odelia glanced down in my direction.

“Could you do me a favor?” I asked, and gave her a look of much significance…

She frowned.“What did you have in mind?”

But before I could explain to her what I wanted her to do, suddenly Scarlett cried,“Who’s that?!”

We all looked where she was pointing, and saw that Frank Beaver was back: Hampton Cove’s fearless vlogger was looking in through the window, and filming us!

“Oh, no, you don’t!” Gran shouted, and before the guy could stop her, she’d yanked open the window and was grabbing him by the lapels and wrestling him down to the ground!

Four watch members were upon the guy in seconds flat, and as he whimpered and squirmed, he was being turned on his stomach, and professionally outfitted with plasticuffs I didn’t even know any of the watches possessed!

“I got these at Walmart,” Wilbur said proudly.

“I get mine online,” Gran announced as she neatly secured the guy’s feet.

“And this was a present from my hairdresser,” said Scarlett as she showed us a can of mace, then made to press down on it to release a stream of the liquid into the man’s face.

“Stop!” said Odelia.

“Why?” asked Scarlett. “This man is a home invader. We should treat him as such.”

“Please don’t hurt me!” our vlogger now cried. He already looked a lot less cocky.

“That’s what you get when you interrupt a meeting of the neighborhood watch,” said Dooley.”

“Two neighborhood watches,” I said.

Gran had taken out her shotgun, Father Reilly was wielding a stun gun, while Wilbur brought out a very large revolver and was waving it in front of the vlogger’s face.

“Please let me go!” the vlogger cried helplessly.

“I think we’re going to keep you for a while,” said Gran. “Maybe lock you up in the basement.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet he’s just the vanguard,” Wilbur growled. “So where are the other home invaders, huh? Talk, sonny boy—or eat lead!”

“I’m so sorry!” said the vlogger.

“Hey, isn’t this the guy you told me about?” asked Gran, addressing her granddaughter. “The one who’s been filming you and threatening to expose your secret?”

“What?!” Scarlett exclaimed, taking a firmer grip on her can of mace.

“What secret?” asked Wilbur.

“Never mind what secret,” Gran snapped. “This man has been following my granddaughter around and filming her every move. It wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t secretly film her taking a shower, the dirty little pervert.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself, young man,” said Father Reilly, his finger on the button of his stun gun. “Shame on you!”

“I’m sorry,” said the guy. “Please don’t lock me up in the basement. I’m claustrophobic!”

“Don’t I know you?” asked Scarlett suddenly. “Aren’t you Franka’s kid?”

“You know my mom?” asked the guy tearfully.

“Your mom does my nails. She’s great.” She now wagged a finger in the man’s face. “If you ever post a video of Odelia in the shower, I’m going to tell your mom—is that understood?”

“Please don’t tell my mom. Please don’t,” he sniveled.

“I remember you now,” said Father Reilly. “Little Frankie Beaver. You once released a mouse in church during Sunday Mass, didn’t you? I never told your mom about that.”

“Please,” he whimpered.

“Now first you’re going to show us your cloud account,” said Odelia.

“Yes. Yes, of course.”

“And you’re going to delete all of those videos—every single one, while we watch.”

“Absolutely. I’ll delete them right now.”

And so for the next half hour, while we watched, Frank Beaver deleted video after video of Odelia and especially of her interactions with yours truly and my friends.

30

Ellie arrived at the big house and sincerely hoped she would find herself alone with Carl. Ever since he’d sent her that message, she’d found herself a little on edge. To be invited to the house of a famous celebrity is always a little nerve-racking to say the least.

She parked her bicycle out in front and walked up to the front door, then gave it a tentative knock. But when no response came she pushed and discovered it was open.

After a moment’s hesitation, she made her way in—like any intrepid reporter would.

“Mr. Strauss?” she called out. “Mr. Carl Strauss?”

No answer came, deepening her bewilderment, but also strengthening her resolve. The whole thing was so odd. One moment the guy had been in hospital, having sustained serious injuries, and the next he was messaging her. Then again, she knew that nowadays doctors could perform miracles, so she shouldn’t have been surprised.

She entered the house and found herself in the man’s study. Near the door, a golf club lay, so she picked it up. She felt the weight in her hand. It felt good. In fact she felt good. Powerful. She took a practice swing or two, the club making a pleasant swooshing sound.

“In here!” suddenly a voice called out.

Taking a firmer grip on the club, she passed through the door and into the man’s office. He was seated with his back to her, looking out through the window at the grounds outside, where he’d constructed a miniature golf course all to himself.

She slowly approached the figure behind the desk. Her heart was racing, her breathing shallow and a little ragged. This was it. This was the moment.

Then just as she raised the club high, about to let it descend upon the pro golfer’s head, suddenly the man turned around in his swivel chair and… wasn’t Carl at all!

She was staring at Chase Kingsley, Odelia Poole’s husband!

“Surprised, Ellie?” asked the cop.

From behind her, hands gripped her arm, and wrested the golf club from her fingers. And as she was still reeling from the shock, she saw she was suddenly surrounded by police officers: Alec Lip was there, but also Odelia Poole, and at least three more officers.

“I’m afraid you’re under arrest, Ellie,” said Chief Lip.

“But… I-I just came here to do an interview,” she said, thinking fast.

“I don’t think so,” said Chase. “You came here to bash Carl Strauss’s head in—just like you did the other night. Only this time you wanted to make sure you’d finish the job.”

“I don’t understand,” she said. “Where is Carl? What’s going on?”

“Only one person could have answered Carl’s message to ‘Zoe,’” Odelia explained. “And that’s Carl’s attacker. So the moment you showed up here, we knew it was you.”

“Zoe? Who’s Zoe? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Honestly, this is crazy.”

“Don’t give me that,” Chief Lip growled. “You knew perfectly well that Carl was a man who liked to set up dates with girls—especially girls he found on his favorite dating app Spindler. So all you had to do was to set up a profile in the name of Zoe, and make sure you added enough points of attraction so that Carl would swipe right, and you had him. Only the night you showed up here to confront him, you didn’t hit him hard enough. And so Carl survived. Or should I say—your father survived?”

Ellie pursed her lips, and a cruel smile appeared on her pretty face.“You seem to know everything, Alec.”

“Yes, we do,” said Chase. “When did you find out that Carl Strauss was your father?”

She shrugged. Looked like the game was up. She didn’t know how they’d found out, but it was obvious they had her. “I found his letters in my mom’s nightstand one day, and read them all. She’d told me my dad was a journalist, and had disappeared on an assignment in Alaska, and I always believed her. Little did I know my real dad was famousplayboy golfer Carl Strauss. I have to say I almost threw up when I found out that my mom had been one of his early conquests, and I was the product of their fling. I tried to get in touch with him, of course, but he refused to see me—or acknowledge me.”

“So you decided to pursue a different avenue.”

“I never wanted to hit him, you know—I actually got the idea last week, when I saw the two of you at the golf club,” she said, addressing Odelia. “I’d started spying on him, you know. I just couldn’t help it. He’d become like an obsession. And you looked so chummy I suddenly saw in a flash what I needed to do: kill the man who fathered me but refused to acknowledge me, and prove to the world I was his legitimate daughter so his estate would pass into Mom’s hands, and eventually into mine, and make the famous Odelia Poole take the fall. So the moment you returned your clubs, itwas a cinch to grab the one you used, and then use it on Carl. I knew the police would automatically assume the club was his, and when they found your fingerprints, you’d go down for murder.”

“You tried to frame me?” said Odelia. “But why?”

“Typical that you wouldn’t remember,” she scoffed. “I wrote you an email last year, offering you an exclusive interview with the daughter of Carl Strauss. Only you weren’t interested. In fact you were so not interested that you didn’t even bother to write me back—that’s how so not interested you were in my life and what I’d been through.”

“I honestly don’t even remember you wrote me,” said Odelia. “And besides, I’m not that kind of reporter, Ellie. I don’t write stories about Carl Strauss’s alleged offspring.”

“Well, you should have, then maybe Carl wouldn’t be in the hospital right now. He’s still in the hospital, isn’t he? This whole charade—your little show…” She gestured to Chase and to the contingent of cops. “This was clearly just a ruse to get me here—to trap me.”

“Carl is dead,” said Chase. “He died this morning.”

Ellie gulped.“He died? My dad died?”

“Yes, he did. And so you’re now being arrested for murder, Ellie.”

A smile suddenly creased her face.“So I get what I want after all. My mom is going to inherit.” She took a piece of paper out of her pocket. “When I was with Carl that night, I yanked a hair from his rotten head, and had it sent to a lab to check my DNA against his. Guess what? It came back positive. So it’s official. I’mCarl Strauss’s daughter. Yay me.”

“Oh, honey, why did you do it?” said Odelia. “You’re so talented. You could have done anything.”

“Don’t give me your crocodile tears,” said Ellie harshly. “If only you’d written to me, none of this would have happened.” She pointed an accusing finger at the reporter. “You did this. You killed Carl. Not me. I was just the hand that held the murder weapon. But you took a swing at the guy when you decided I wasn’t good enough to talk to.”

“It wasn’t like that. I get hundreds of emails. I can’t possibly reply to all of them.”

“So it was you who broke into Odelia’s office, was it?” asked Chase.

“Yep, that was me. I decided I better get rid of that email before you remembered—fat chance, I know, as you had no idea who I was when we met at my school. And then when I was in there I deleted an article on the Hampton Heisters to cover my tracks. I knew you’d think the Heisters were behind that breakin, and you wouldn’t look further.”

“I’m sorry,” said Odelia. “I’m sorry for not answering your email. But killing your dad isn’t the way, Ellie.”

Ellie shrugged.“It felt good. Taking a good big whack at that bastard’s head? It felt really good. Especially after I’d just told him I wasn’t Zoe, his hot date for the night, but his own flesh and blood. Do you know he actually wanted to give me money? He was reaching for his wallet to give me fifty bucks for my trouble when I hit him, the idiot.”

“Ellie Pack,” said Chase, “you’re under arrest for the murder of Carl—”

“Ellie Strauss,” Ellie interrupted him. She raised her chin. “My name is Ellie Strauss.”

Epilogue

The scene was familiar by now: the weekly Saturday Poole family barbecue. Only the setting was a little different: Odelia and Chase’s backyard instead of Marge and Tex’s, since their own backyard was still a minor construction site. Tex was at the grill, though, whipping us all up some delicious goodies. But what made it really special was that the guests of honor were… Brutus and Harriet.

It had taken some convincing to get them both there, but now that they were, suddenly Odelia got down on one knee, as if proposing marriage, and said,“Brutus, I owe you an apology. In fact I think we all owe you an apology, sweetie.”

“You do?” said the big cat, looking a little startled by this sudden attention.

“Yes, we do. We’ve dragged you from one adventure to another, and we never even asked you if you wanted to be part of it. You were subjected to all kinds of less-than-pleasant circumstances and were forced to submit yourself to plenty of dangerous activities that would have made any cat raise the alarm a long time before you did.”

“It has been a very eventful time for me,” said the butch black cat, glancing around.

“And so we would like to offer you a formal apology, and we hope you will accept it in the spirit offered: heartfelt. And we’d also like to ask you to please come home.”

“Yes, dear Brutus,” Marge chimed in. “Please come home again.”

“It’s not been the same without you,” Gran added.

“You’re… serious?” asked Brutus, gawking a little.

“Absolutely,” said Odelia. “And if you do decide to come home, I can promise you that from now on you don’t have to take part in any activity you don’t like. You can sit out every single investigation I ever get involved with in the future.”

“Or my neighborhood watch activities,” Gran added.

“You can simply stay here and have the kind of peaceful and wonderful life that you deserve, my sweet Brutus.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, a little goggle-eyed.

“So what do you say, Brutus?” asked Gran. “Will you give this family another chance?”

“Yeah, please give us another chance, sweetheart,” said Marge.

“And don’t become a dog,” Dooley added. “Dogs aren’t as much fun as cats.”

Brutus grinned at this.“I was never going to be a dog, you guys. I was just kidding about that. I mean, seriously? Me? A dog?”

“You had me fooled, Brutus,” I said. “You really did.”

“Hey, thanks, Max. Coming from you, that’s quite a compliment.”

“So what do you say?” asked Odelia.

“Who wants a sausage!” Tex yelled. “Nice and juicy sausage anyone?”

Uncle Alec held up his hand in a tentative gesture, and promptly a sausage was coming his way. It landed on his head with a dull splat, and sizzled for a moment on his bald pate before landing on his empty plate.

“Oops,” said his brother-in-law. “I really thought I nailed it this time.”

“You did,” the Chief said acerbically as he gently touched the sore spot.

“Okay, I’ll come back,” said Brutus. “How about you, tootsie roll? Do you want to come home with me?”

Harriet rolled her eyes.“I thought you’d never ask! I like Rufus, I really do, but have you noticed that dogs… smell? No, really, they do. And then there’s the fleas, of course.”

“What fleas?” asked Marge. “Rufus doesn’t have fleas.”

Harriet cast a suspicious look in my direction.“He doesn’t?”

“Of course not. Marcie and Ted take pride in the fact that Rufus is the best-groomed dog on the block.”

“Is that so?” said Harriet, and narrowed her eyes at me.

I pretended not to notice, and instead gratefully accepted the piece of sausage Odelia placed in front of me.

“So tell us, Max,” said Odelia. “How did you figure out that Ellie was the culprit?”

“Well, I suddenly remembered that a girl wrote to you last year, announcing she was Carl Strauss’s illegitimate daughter, and suggesting an interview. You even told me the Gazette wasn’t Hampton Cove’s National Enquirer and how you decided not to respond.”

“You remembered that, huh?” she said, looking a little shamefaced.

“I did—only I’d forgotten the correspondent’s name, of course, but then when you mentioned that all of your emails from last year had been deleted, the story suddenly popped into my head again. And so I just wondered: what are the chances?”

“Lucky for me I keep a duplicate mailbox on my laptop,” said Odelia. “And lo and behold: Ellie’s email was right there, in the contingent she’d tried to delete.”

“And so when you told us that Carl had died, I asked you to hold off on announcing his death. At least long enough until we could set a trap for Ellie—which she neatly walked into when you sent an invitation to ‘Zoe’ knowing only the killer would react.”

“Such a shame,” said Dooley. “She seemed like such a nice girl.”

“I think the fire she set at her school should have told us something about what kind of person she is. She has a vengeful streak that in this particular case turned homicidal.”

“I still can’t believe she tried to frame me,” said Odelia.

“So Charlene,” said Gran, dragging up a chair and moving closer to our Mayor. “About that building permit.”

“Oh, no!” said Uncle Alec, looking up from the dissection of his sausage.

“I’m not talking to you,” said Gran. “Charlene, honey, I understand that we can’t build high—for whatever esthetical and practical reasons—but how about we build low?”

“What do you mean?” asked the Mayor suspiciously.

“How about we build a couple of stories underground? And then we rent them out?”

“Ma!” Marge cried. “Will you please stop already? We just don’t want tenants.”

“You don’t want money, that’s what you’re saying. You hate money.”

“We don’t want apartments. We just want a nice single-family home, just the way it always was, and we don’t want to deal with tenants. Is that so hard to understand?”

“Okay, so you don’t like money. Why didn’t you say so from the start?”

“We did say so from the start.”

“Look, if you really want tenants, Vesta,” said Scarlett, “I have an old garage that I don’t use, since I don’t have a car anymore. If you want you can turn it into a studio.”

“No, thank you,” said Gran with a look of distaste. “Who wants to deal with having to rent the place out? Making sure the whole thing is up to code, collecting rent… Ugh.”

“I thought you did?”

“I don’t—I was doing this for my family! So they could deal with that stuff. Not me.”

Suddenly two familiar people popped through the hedge. They were Ted and Marcie Trapper.“Oh, there’s our sweethearts,” said Marcie. “I thought they’d gone missing. Brutus and Harriet, you’re in the wrong backyard again, sweeties.”

“I’ve got a ball here with your name on it, Brutus,” Ted added, holding up a red ball.

“Put away your damn ball, Ted,” said Gran. “My cats are exactly where they’re supposed to be: home.”

“But I thought they wanted to come and live with us from now on,” said Marcie, looking confused.

“Well, they changed their minds. Now get lost.”

Ted was still fiddling with his ball, and looked like a lost puppy.“But…”

“Go on—shoo!”

“Ma! Be nice to our neighbors,” said Marge. Then she got up and went over to have a chat with Ted and Marcie, and explain to them that circumstances had changed and that the Pooles would be keeping Brutus and Harriet after all. She was also kind enough to invite the Trappers to stay and have a bite to eat, which they gratefully accepted.

“So you did it again, did you, Max?” said Harriet.

“Amazing,” said Brutus, “to think that you did it without us.”

“Well, it was hard, I don’t mind telling you,” I said. “But we managed—barely.”

“And now we’re back, Maxie baby,” said Brutus, giving me a reassuring pat on the back. “So any little problem you got, just bring it to papa Brutus, and I’ll give you the benefit of my experience.”

“Gee, thanks, Brutus. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And you know what? I actually meant it, too. Brutus might be something of a minor bully sometimes, and Harriet a busybody, but they’re also my dear friends, and I’d missed them.

“So what’s going to happen to the sex maniac now?” asked Dooley.

“What sex maniac?” asked Brutus. “What else did we miss?”

“A sex maniac kept following us around, and threatened to post a video on his YouTube channel,” Dooley explained. “Of Odelia talking to us. But Scarlett talked him out of it. She threatened to go to his mother and tell her what he was up to. And the sex maniac was so afraid that his mom wouldfind out that he deleted all of his videos.”

“His sex videos?”

“His videos of Odelia talking to me and Max,” said Dooley. “Though there could have been sex videos in there, too, of course,” he said with a questioning look in my direction.

“No sex videos,” I said curtly.

“No sex videos,” Dooley said. “I felt pity for him, though, because his sex maniac buddy is dead now, so he’s going to have to find himself another sex maniac buddy.”

“I’m sure he’ll manage, Dooley,” I said.

“Are you really?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t get it,” said Brutus.

“Me, neither,” said Harriet.

“What’s all this about a sex maniac?”

I heaved a deep sigh.“Okay, so here is what happened,” I said, and settled in to explain to Brutus and Harriet everything that had transpired in the days they spent going to the dogs.

“So you see?” said Dooley, who’d taken turns with me telling the story, “we need to find Frank Beaver a new buddy, or else he’ll be in trouble.” He turned to me. “You still haven’t explained to me what a sex maniac is, though, Max.”

“Well, Dooley,” I began, but stopped when Brutus placed a paw on my shoulder.

“Please let me, Max,” he said. “It’s the least I can do.” He cleared his throat. “Now, Dooley, a sex maniac is a person who’s addicted to sex—that much is obvious, right?”

“Duh,” said Dooley, excited that finally he was about to discover the big secret.

“And we all know what sex is, don’t we?”

“We do?” he asked.

Brutus blinked.“Sex is when two people… get together to make babies.”

“Okay,” said Dooley, nodding seriously.

“So when a man meets a woman, and they like each other—I mean, when they feel that spark—”

“What spark?” asked my friend, taking this all in.

“Well…the spark, you know. When they kiss.”

“They kiss? And then they feel a spark? You mean like an electric spark?”

“Well… yes.”

“Okay, so they kiss, and there’s a spark, and then what?”

“Well, that’s what humans call sex.”

“They do?!”

“Absolutely.”

“So… a kiss, a spark and…”

Brutus swallowed.“Okay, so a man kisses a woman he likes, or a woman kisses a man she likes, or a man kisses a man or a woman kisses a woman, as the case may be, or let’s just say they kiss each other and they feel that spark… then before long, and only if they both agree, the stork comes flying over, and….Well, I think you can guess the rest.”

“Babies!”

“Babies.”

“And so a sex maniac…”

Brutus was starting to look a little desperate. I had the impression he regretted having taken on this task.“Well, so a sex maniac is a person who just keeps kissing person after person after person after person, one after the other, but…”

“No spark?”

“No spark.”

“So no stork?”

“No stork.”

“So… no babies?”

“Exactly! You got it, Dooley.”

“Poor sex maniacs. They must be really desperate.”

“It’s not a lot of fun being a sex maniac,” Brutus agreed.

Suddenly Dooley’s eyes turned to Scarlett and he frowned. “So… do you think Scarlett is a sex maniac?”

“Um…” said Brutus, and gave me a look of mild despair.

“Sometimes, Dooley,” I told my friend, “a woman has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds the one frog that she knows she likes. And when I say frog, I mean person, of course. That’s just how it is. We don’t call such a person a sex maniac. We call them—”

“Discerning,” Gran chimed in with a grin.

“Why do I have the feeling you’re talking about me?” asked Scarlett.

“Just your imagination, darling,” said Gran, and took a bite from her sausage.

“So how many ‘frogs’ does Scarlett have to kiss before she finds the one?” asked Dooley.

“A lot,” I said. “Like, a whole lot.”

“It’s going to take her a long time.”

“Yeah, sometimes it does take a long time, but Scarlett isn’t giving up hope that one day she will find the right person. The person she’s going to experience that spark with.”

“Scarlett, please don’t give up!” Dooley now yelled. “The right frog is out there!”

“What is he saying?” asked Scarlett.

“Nothing,” said Gran. “He’s just hungry.”

“Hungry for frogs!” Dooley yelled.

“Cats,” said Gran with a shrug. “You know what they’re like. Always wanting to eat.”

“You know, one day I would like to be able to talk to them,” said Scarlett. “I have a feeling they’d be able to tell me a lot of interesting things.”

“Keep dreaming, babe. That’ll never happen.”

“I know, but it would be nice.”

“Kiss more frogs!” Dooley said. “A frog a day keeps the doctor away!”

Suddenly Scarlett frowned.“Did someone just mention… frogs?”

Gran blinked, Odelia uttered a startled cry, and Marge said“Eep!”

“Hey,” said Dooley. “I think Scarlett just understood what I said.”

“You know, Dooley,” I said, studying Gran’s friend with unabashed curiosity, “I think she just did.”

“Why am I suddenly thinking about kissing frogs?” Scarlett asked. “So weird.”

35. PURRFECT CRUISE

1

The ship was huge. In fact it was huger than huge. It was ginormous. Of course I’d seen ships like this before… on TV, but never with my own eyes as I was doing now.

“This ship is really big, Max,” said Dooley, indicating we were on the same page as far as the ship’s size was concerned.

“I know,” I said, still gaping up at the monstrosity.

“Are you sure it’s not going to sink? It looks very heavy to me.”

“I’m… pretty sure,” I said, though now that my friend mentioned it, I had to confess I couldn’t for the life of me imagine how a monstrosity like this could possibly stay afloat. Or stay upright, for that matter. There were so many floors to the thing I couldn’t count them all, and theQueen of the Seas looked more like some gigantic hotel than a boat.

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea, Max,” said Dooley, shaking his head as we took stock of our home for the next ten days. “Maybe Harriet and Brutus were right when they decided not to come on this trip.”

“Harriet and Brutus didn’t decide not to come, Dooley,” I reminded him. “They weren’t invited.”

“Oh. But why?”

“Because dragging two cats around on a cruise ship is more than plenty, thank you very much,” Odelia said as she crouched down next to us. “Why? Are you missing your friends already?”

“No,” I said quickly. “No, it’s not that. It’s just that…”

“Are you sure this boat won’t sink, Odelia?” asked Dooley. “Boats do sink, you know.”

Odelia smiled and patted my friend on the head.“Pretty sure, Dooley. It’s been traveling along the same route for the past fifteen years, and hasn’t sunk yet.”

“Okay,” said my friend, but looked nor sounded convinced. “So how does it stay afloat? A boat this big should be at the bottom of the ocean, not floating on top of it.”

“It’s been built by some of the brightest engineers and shipbuilders on the planet,” said our human. “So rest assured, it won’t sink. Now are you ready to go aboard?”

We both gulped profusely, then nodded reluctantly.

“Great. Then let’s go.”

And she picked up Dooley and carried him off.

“Hey!” I said. “What about me?!”

But the moment I’d spoken these words, two strong arms picked me up and soon I was being carried aboard, too. The strong arms belonged to Odelia’s husband Chase Kingsley, and since the man is basically built like a tank, I soon relaxed in his arms and allowed him to carry me aboard the vessel.

We were in Bridgeport, Barbados, where the Queen of the Seas was about to set sail on a ten-day cruise that would take us along all the hotspots of the Caribbean. Odelia and Chase, having been married a couple of weeks before, still hadn’t been able to enjoy their honeymoon, and so their families had decided to do something to rectify this gross oversight, and had arranged for this cruise. Some insurance money had come in after the accidental demolition of Odelia’s parents’ house, and Odelia’s boss had also chipped in, as had her uncle Alec Lip, and even Alec’s girlfriend, Mayor Charlene Butterwick. All in all they’d done a wonderful thing for the newlyweds, and Odelia and Chase were still blown away by this singular kindness.

We’d flown from New York to Barbados, and now here we were, boarding one of the most luxurious cruise ships in the world, to spend the next ten days on the water.

The trip would take us from Bridgeport, Barbados to Kingstown, St. Vincent, then on to St. George’s, Grenada and Willemstad, Curacao, into Kralendijk, Bonaire, and Colombia, Panama, Costa Rica, Aruba, Trinidad and back to Bridgeport for our flight home.

The ship itself was even more impressive than I’d imagined standing ashore: once we got past the ticket person, and had entered the ship proper, we were hit by a tornado of sights and sounds: people were everywhere, and so was the music blasting from hidden speakers. A shopping mall had been set up in the belly of the beast, with plenty of boutiques, and as I glanced up I saw floor after floor of ship rising up around us—as if we were at the bottom of a canyon. For a moment I felt seriously overwhelmed. So I held onto my human with all my might, which may or may not have involved the use of my claws, for suddenly Chase uttered a soft strangled cry and muttered, “Claws, Max.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, and retracted my claws and tried to relax.

“Let’s find our cabin first,” Odelia suggested.

“Good idea,” Chase grunted as he carefully set me down on the ship’s metal floor. Odelia offered Dooley the same courtesy, and we both vowed to stay close to our humans. If we ever got lost I wasn’t sure what we’d do. Look for the Lost and Found department, presumably?

“This looks just like one big giant hotel,” Odelia said, marveling at our surroundings.

“A hotel and a shopping mall,” Chase said as we looked in on some of the shops.

“I can’t wait to see the pool,” said Odelia happily as she checked out a bathing suit and Chase eyed a cowboy hat with some interest.

The honeymooners shared a sweet kiss. I looked away, of course, as I always do out of respect for their privacy. But Dooley, who didn’t have the same qualms, eyed the kissing couple with breathless anticipation. “They’re making babies, Max,” he said in hushed tones.

“Shh—they can hear you,” I said.

Our humans had finally been able to resist the allure of the colorful shops, and we arrived at the bank of elevators destined to whisk us away to the upper floors. Soon we arrived at our designated level and the doors zoomed open, spilling us and several other giddy tourists into the section of the ship that would be our new home for the next ten days.

“I hope they have plenty of kibble,” said Dooley.

“And I hope they have a soft couch to sleep on,” I added.

“I wonder if they have a gym,” Chase grunted.

“And I hope they have that bathing suit in my size,” Odelia said.

We found our cabin without fail, and after Chase had let us in with the key card he’d received, it proved as spacious and nice as the pictures on the cruise line website had promised, and much to my relief it contained a very nice couch, which immediately I took possession of, as did Dooley. It was soft yet firm and deep enough so I could fit whichever way I chose to stretch out on it. I’m a large cat, you see, and I need my space.

After the ordeal of traveling to Barbados by plane, then taxi, and after having gone through the experience of our arrival and undergoing the noise of the crowd, the peace and quiet of the cabin was like a balm to my harried soul, and I expelled a sigh of relief.

Odelia and Chase were too busy checking out the cabin and uttering cries of delight to take much notice of us, and after they’d inspected the bedroom, the bathroom and the balcony they both collapsed on the bed in a flutter of giggles and for the next five minutes spent more time kissing and hugging and generally doing what newlyweds do.

“They’re making babies, Max!” Dooley repeated his earlier statement. “It’s happening!”

“I doubt that very much, Dooley,” I said, having closed my eyes and assuming my favorite sphinx position.

“No, but it’s true. People on honeymoon always make babies. It’s what they do!”

I hated to contradict him, for this time he just might be right. People on honeymoon do frequently engage in baby-making activities, and even though Odelia and Chase were fully dressed, and all they were doing was sharing a couple of loving kisses, who was to say they wouldn’t progress into some more heavy petting or necking later on?

I just hoped they’d be discreet about it and not wake me up.

“Let’s go on deck,” suddenly Chase suggested.

“Yeah, we can’t miss the boat taking off,” Odelia said.

They both hopped off the bed with the kind of alacrity I was only able to muster up when fresh kibble was being poured into my bowl.

“Are you guys coming?” asked our human. “The ship is sailing, which is a big deal.”

“Party time,” Chase said, rubbing his hands with glee.

“No, I think I’ll stay here,” I said.

“Me, too,” said Dooley.

Odelia frowned.“You’re not going to stay in this cabin the whole trip, are you?”

“Maybe not the whole trip,” I said. Only about ninety-nine percent of the trip.

“Suit yourself,” she said with a shrug. “Let’s go, Chase. We don’t want to miss this.”

And then they were finally off, carefully closing the door behind them. For a moment, I was too stunned for speech, then I bellowed,“Hey! You forgot about our kibble!”

2

The door flew open again, and Odelia reappeared. Which just goes to show: we have the best human on the planet. A human who never forgets about those all-important things in life, such as there are: kibble, kibble and of course… kibble!

“You’re coming to see off the ship, whether you like it or not,” said Odelia as she took three big steps in our direction, and gave me and Dooley twin prods in the rear.

“Hey!” I said, as I hadn’t expected this.

“You can’t miss this, you guys!” she added. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and you’re going to spend it lying around on the couch? No way!”

“But—”

“No buts. You’re both coming with us and that’s final.”

And to show us she meant what she said, she even proceeded to place a well-shod foot against my rear and gently nudged me in the direction of the door!

“All right, all right!” I said finally. “I get your point.”

“Good,” she said. “You can lie around and be lazy at home. We’re here to have a great time, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to—”

She quickly shut up when the door to the next cabin opened and a man walked out. He looked a little weird, I must say: he was dressed like a teenager, only he wasn’t a teenager but a grown man. He wore jeans with holes in them, a flashy T-shirt, several big rings on his fingers, colorful wristbands, a bandana, a goatee and sunglasses with little wings on the side shields. He also had a very large pink stone embedded in his forehead for some reason.

“Lil Thug!” Odelia cried out. “I’m a big fan, sir.”

Our neighbor smiled and took off his sunglasses.“Thanks. Always happy to meet a fan.”

“Love the diamond, Mr. Thug,” said Chase, who seemed to be a big fan, too, judging from the silly grin on his face.

“Oh, this little thing?” said the man as he casually touched the stone on his forehead. “I picked it up at Tiffany’s, as you probably know.”

“Oh, I do,” said Odelia. “I’m a reporter,” she explained, but when the man’s face morphed into a frown, she quickly added, “But I’m not working right now. We’re actually on our honeymoon. This is my husband Chase.”

“Pleased to meet you, Odelia, Chase,” said the guy smoothly, and they extended handshakes. And I think this might have been the beginning of a wonderful friendship if the other doors across from the corridor hadn’t opened just then, and a small gathering of people poured out and joined us: a woman in a wheelchair being pushed by a younger woman who looked very much like her. A young man was also present, and a woman with a wizened face and suspiciously dark hair. The foursome stared at Mr. Thug.

The woman in the wheelchair produced a sort of loud squeal, while the young woman produced a startled little whimper, then exclaimed,“Omigod omigod omigod—Lil Thug!”

“That’s me,” said the guy who I now assumed was probably a rapper of some kind.

“I love your stuff!” said the girl, as she immediately left the wheelchair where it was and tripped up to the rapper. “Your album Stinky Fingers is my absolute favorite!”

“Thanks,” said the rapper with the kind of vague indulgent smile that indicated he’d been in this type of situation many times before.

“Are you all right, darling?” asked the young man solicitously.

“I’m fine,” said the woman in the wheelchair, who was holding a small white ball in her lap. Possibly a keychain. “Muscle spasm,” she said with a grimace. “It’ll pass.” She stuck out a hand in the direction of Odelia and Chase, who stood closest to her. “Bertha Biles. And this is my husband David, my daughter Laura and my caregiver Adele.”

“Odelia Poole,” said Odelia. “And this is my husband Chase.”

“They’re honeymooners,” said Lil Thug with a waggle of expressive eyebrows.

“Honeymooners!” said Laura, who now turned her attention from the rapper to Odelia. “That’s so romantic! When I get married I want to go on a honeymoon cruise, too.”

“We need to get going,” the wizened-faced lady now growled. Judging from her smoky voice she probably couldn’t wait to dig into her second pack of cigarettes of the day. “The boat will take off any minute now.”

“Oh, you’ll love the embarkation ceremony they like to put on,” said Mrs. Biles. “It’s just the best thing. There’s music and everybody cheers. It’s a lot of fun.”

“You’ve taken this cruise before?” asked Odelia as the company moved off in the direction of the elevators.

“Oh, sure. We take this cruise every year. We’re big cruise fans. You?”

“This is our first time, actually.”

“And you, Mr. Thug?” asked Laura, her eyes glittering, knowing she was in the presence of fame.

“First time for me, too,” said the singer. “Though I’m here for business, not pleasure.”

“You’re doing a show?!” asked the girl, practically screaming now.

“Yeah, I am,” he said with a deferential smile. “Not tonight but tomorrow night, and then every night after that. I hope that’s all right with you?”

“All right? It’s the best news I’ve heard so far!”

A door opened and a couple walked out. They were a blond woman who looked like a model, and her equally handsome male companion. Both of them were holding selfie sticks and were preening as they talked into their phones, filming themselves. When they caught sight of Lil Thug, their perfectly-shaped jaws dropped, and in a coordinated movement they swung their selfie sticks to include the famous rapper in their efforts.

“No selfies, please,” Lil Thug said immediately.

“Of course,” said the woman, who lowered her selfie stick with visible reluctance.

“Oren,” said her companion, “and this is my partner Chiquita. We’re influencers.”

“What’s an influencer, Max?” asked Dooley.

“People who film themselves and then post the videos online,” I explained. “And then people pay them.”

He frowned, his lack of comprehension clear.“I don’t understand.”

“Well, they post stuff online, and get people to watch it, and the more followers they have, the more they can charge when they plug some handbag or a pair of shoes.”

“Okay,” he said, but it was obvious he still didn’t fully comprehend the strange and wonderful world of influencers.

Introductions were made and then the company distributed themselves among the different elevators and then it was just me and Dooley and our humans again.

“Did you see that diamond?” asked Odelia.

“Yeah, I saw it,” said her husband.

“Do you know how much it cost?”

“I’m guessing a lot?”

“Twenty million dollars,” said Odelia.

Chase whistled through his teeth.“That’s a lot of dough.”

“Why does that man have a diamond glued to his face, Max?” asked Dooley.

“I think it’s some kind of fashion accessory,” I said.

“A fashion accessory that cost twenty million,” Odelia added. “And it’s not glued to his face, Dooley. It’s been surgically implanted.”

“That must have hurt,” I commented.

“What are they saying?” asked Chase with a smile.

“They’re wondering about the diamond,” Odelia said. “Max says it must have hurt when he had it implanted in his face.”

“Probably not more than a piercing.”

“Well, technically it is a kind of piercing.”

“I just hope he doesn’t lose it when he takes a shower. Imagine flushing twenty million down the drain.”

The elevator gently jerked to a stop, and we got out. The deck, where we now found ourselves, was filled to capacity with people, and loud music poured from the speakers. There was a swimming pool located in the center. Kids were playing on the water slides, and there was an atmosphere of gaiety and fun. All in all, I felt like setting paw for our cabin to have a lie-down. As you may or may not know, cats aren’t very big on gaiety and fun, or pools, or kids playing on water slides. We also don’t care all that much for loud music, or umbrella drinks being served or large gatherings in general.

But I decided to suck it up and go through the motions. Odelia wanted us to be part of the revelries so I was determined to do the best I could.

“So much noise,” said Dooley, as he glanced around a little nervously.

“Yep.”

“So many people.”

“Yep.”

And then suddenly a tremor went through the ship, and he yelled,“This is it! We’re going down! Save yourselves!”

“We’re not going down, Dooley,” I said. “The ship is setting sail, that’s all.”

“Oh. Okay.”

And indeed this was it. We stepped up to the railings so we could look out across the quay. It was moving away from us—or we from it. And as people waved us off from the safety of the shore, and passengers were whooping with excitement, I gulped a little, and hoped Dooley’s predictions wouldn’t come true. We’d all seen Titanic, and even though so far I hadn’t caught sight of Kate or Leo, that didn’t mean things couldn’t still go awry.

3

Dooley and I stepped away from the crowd, as we didn’t want to get trampled underfoot, and found ourselves near the back of the ship. When we looked down, we could see the churn created by the powerful propellers as the vessel quickly sailed further and further away from shore and we now were truly underway.

“I hope they have plenty of lifeboats,” said Dooley as he stared unhappily at the shoreline growing ever smaller in the distance.

“I’m sure they do,” I said reassuringly.

“And I hope they’ll change their women and children first policy to pets and women.”

“Odelia isn’t going to let anything happen to us,” I said. “And neither is Chase. Besides, how often do you hear about a cruise ship sinking?”

“A cruise ship sank off the coast of Florida only last month,” said my friend. “No human casualties, according to the news, but who knows how many pets died, Max.”

I gulped some more. And as we both stared down at the water of the Atlantic Ocean, I suddenly felt relieved I’d recently learned how to swim. I’d taken swimming lessons from none other than Odelia’s neighbor’s Yorkie of all people—or dogs, actually. Though I very much doubted whether I’d be able to stay afloat if we found ourselves going down in the middle of the ocean long enough for the rescue boats to reach us.

Suddenly, and without warning, a pair of birds landed nearby and settled on top of the railing. They were very big birds. In fact it wasn’t too much to say that they were probably just about the biggest birds I’d ever seen in my entire life—they were about Dooley’s size and regarded us with a distinct lack of chumminess.

“Cats,” growled one of the birds. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re on our honeymoon,” I announced.

The bird blinked.“Honeymooners, eh? Nice, nice.”

“Do you know if this boat has lifeboats, bird?” asked Dooley.

The bird blinked again, and cocked its head.“How would I know?”

“What do you need lifeboats for, cat?” asked the second bird.

“Well, if the ship goes down, it’s good to know that we’ll be safe.”

The birds shared a look, then burst into raucous laughter.“You’re funny, cat,” said the first bird.

“Yeah, hilarious,” said the second one.

“My name is Max,” I said by way of introduction, “and this is Dooley, and this is actually the first time we’re going on a cruise, so excuse us if we don’t know the ins and outs of cruising just yet.”

“Oh, you’ll get the ins and outs pretty quickly,” said the first bird.

“I’m Jack,” said bird number two. “And this is Frank.”

“Hi,” I said, happy that even in this strange part of the world we were already making friends and influencing birds. “So do you live on this ship?”

The birds shared a look again, and once more burst into laughter.“You’re really funny, Max,” said Jack.

“Yeah, a real joker,” said Frank. “Do we live on this ship? Sure we live on this ship, and every other ship that crosses these waters.”

“We don’t necessarily live anywhere, Max,” Jack explained when I just stared at him. “We just go where the food is, see?”

“Oh, I certainly do,” I said, much relieved to hit upon something we shared. “We also go where the food is, don’t we, Dooley?”

“Absolutely. And since the food is usually with our humans, that’s where we made our home.”

“Oh, so you guys have a home, huh?”

“Yeah, we do,” I said, “with just about the best human in the world.”

“Maybe you know her,” said Dooley. “Odelia Poole. She’s a famous reporter.”

“Nah. Never heard of her,” said Frank.

“She just got married to Chase, who’s a cop, and now they’re taking this cruise as a honeymoon, and they’re going to make lots of babies by the time they get back.”

“Oh, boy,” said Jack with a grin. “If you keep this up we’re gonna die laughing, Dooley.”

“Two comedians,” said his buddy. “If I’d known cats were so funny I’d have laid off them.”

“Laid off them?” I asked with a smile. “What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Here comes your human. Which means we’re off.”

“See you, cats,” said Jack.

“Yeah, see you,” I said, and gave them a wave as they spread their wings and took off.

“Nice birds, don’t you think, Max?” said Dooley.

“Yeah, very nice,” I agreed. I turned to welcome Odelia, but then saw that Frank was wrong: the people making their way in our direction weren’t Odelia and Chase but the influencers Chiquita and Oren. And they didn’t look very happy.

“I don’t believe this,” Chiquita was saying. “I thought you had more sense, Oren.”

“Oh, I’m the one who should have more sense? What about you?”

“Look, if I’d known that you were doing this for the money I’d never have agreed to give up my job and go on this trip with you.”

They were leaning on the railing and speaking in low tones, but there was definitely a causticity to their words.

“And if I’d known that you were such a boring do-gooder I’d have dumped your ass ages ago,” Oren snapped.

“I don’t understand, Oren. When we got into this we agreed that saving the planet is the only course of action worth pursuing, so what made you change your mind?”

“You never told me that all you wanted to do was save the planet!”

“I understand that we need money to keep this venture going, but more importantly we need to show the world how beautiful our planet is, and motivate people to do what they can to save it. We have no planet B, Oren—this is all we have.”

“And we can do all of that while making a nice living—in fact better than nice. We can make a great living, if only you’d sacrifice some of those lofty principles of yours.”

“Like what?”

“Like asking Lil Thug to give us an exclusive interview!”

“You really want to taint our noble cause by giving that idiot a platform?”

“For your information, Chiquita, that ‘idiot’ is only one of the most successful rappers in the world. If we can get an exclusive one-on-one with him, it would mean—”

“A lot of money. Yes, I know.”

Oren stared out across the ocean, his jaw working, his face a thundercloud. He turned to his partner.“Chiquita, we’re almost broke! This trip is costing us an arm and a leg!”

“I know, but excuse me for having principles, and excuse me for not being a sellout like you.”

“You take that back, Chiquita K?n?nen.”

“It’s the truth!”

“Oh, dear,” I said, as I gave Dooley a gentle nudge. “I think we better leave these two alone, Dooley.”

“Yes, they don’t seem to get along very well, do they?”

“No, they certainly don’t.”

And so we discreetly skedaddled. If there’s one thing that can mar the perfect honeymoon it’s the presence of a warring couple, and so we both decided not to tell Odelia about this little incident. They’d come here to enjoy a wonderful honeymoon, and we were going to make sure they got exactly what they wanted—smooth sailing.

4

“Why do humans travel by boat, Max?” asked Dooley.

We were seated under Odelia’s chair while our humans were enjoying a nice dinner. The ship’s departure had gone off without a hitch, and we were well underway for a wonderful journey along some of the Caribbean’s hotspots. Odelia had managed to find a friendly steward who’d provided us with some delicious cat food, and as far as I was concerned, things were all right with the world once more.

“I think humans are basically jealous of other living creatures,” I said, feeling magnanimous and in the mood to expand on some of my ideas regarding my favorite species. “They’re jealous of ducks for their ability to travel across the water and so they build boats. They’re jealous of birds for their ability to soar across the skies and so they build airplanes. And of course they’re jealous of proud animals like lions for their ability to perform great feats of speed and so they build automobiles. Just simple psychology.”

“So it’s all about jealousy? That’s the reason we’re now traveling on the ocean, with only a few layers of metal between us and certain death by drowning?”

“Basically, yeah.”

“I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel the other night about the fact that the human body isn’t designed for being in the water,” Dooley said after a moment’s pause. “If you dunk a horse in the water it floats, and it will easily be able to keep its head above the water and can even propel itself forward by making the same movements of its legs as it does on land. In fact practically all animals can swim, except humans. If you shove a human into the water, and he hasn’t learned how to swim, he will drown, because a human body, when it floats, can’t keep its nose above thesurface. It’s got something to do with the center of gravity.”

“Interesting,” I said, nodding. If Dooley had told me about the spatial patterns of army ants foraging it would have interested me. That’s because I was well fed and well-rested after a short sojourn on the cabin’s couch, and I was now ready to face the world, or even listen to stories about humans’ capacity or incapacity for being submerged in water.

I glanced out from under the chair and saw that Lil Thug was still attracting a lot of attention. He’d found himself at our table, and didn’t seem to mind one bit to be sitting amongst those lesser folks who didn’t have rare diamonds encrusted to their faces.

“So that’s really real?” asked Chase, as he pointed to the rapper’s pink diamond.

The rapper smiled enigmatically and nodded.“Absolutely, Detective Kingsley.”

“Chase, please,” said Chase. “I’m on vacation, so no police business for me.”

“It is a real diamond, and it took me a long time to save up enough money to buy it.”

“But… why?”

“Well,” said Lil Thug, as he settled back in his chair, “I guess I’ve always had a certain fondness for gems, and when I saw this particular gem, I just knew I had to have it.”

“But why have it stuck to your face?”

“Because I wanted to try something new. Something no one had ever tried before.”

“And you certainly succeeded.”

“But isn’t it dangerous?” asked Odelia. It was a question that had crossed my mind, too. “I mean, shouldn’t you feel safer if that diamond was in a vault somewhere?”

“What’s the point of owning a rare diamond only to have it locked away in some vault somewhere? Isn’t the whole point of possessing an object of beauty that you can admire it? Look at it and marvel at its sheer splendor? I mean, I’ve had many people come up to me to simply stare at the diamond. And that’s exactly the effect I wanted to achieve.”

“You wanted people to come up and stare at you?”

“No! I want them to admire beauty. Pure beauty. And for me I simply want to become one with the object. I want tobe the diamond.” He shrugged. “It’s hard to explain.”

“No, but I think I get it. You were so impressed with this diamond you wanted to have it with you at all times. You want to, like, merge with the stone. Be blessed by its beauty.”

“See? I knew you’d understand,” said Lil Thug, and took a sip from his glass of wine.

I retracted my head again.“Do you feel that, Dooley?” I asked.

“No, what?”

“Exactly. I don’t feel that we’re on a boat, do you?”

Dooley gave me a look of slight constipation, signifying that he was thinking hard, then shook his head.“Gee, Max, you’re right. The boat doesn’t make any noise.”

“Or vibrations. Even the wine in Odelia and Chase’s glasses isn’t rippling.”

“You’re right. It’s almost as if we’re still on land.”

Lil Thug excused himself and got up. He said he had a show to rehearse tomorrow, and wanted to be at his best so he needed his rest. I immediately jumped up on the chair the rapper with the diamond appendage had vacated and smiled at my humans.“I think I’m starting to like this trip. Good food, a great couch, and I almost can’t feel that I’m on a boat.”

“No, you’re right,” said Odelia. “If I didn’t know any better I would think we haven’t left port yet. No tremor—no sound of the engines.”

“What’s going on over there?” asked Chase, as he pointed to what looked like some kind of altercation. A man dressed in a neat uniform was escorting a young girl away, followed by what could only be her parents. More uniformed personnel were talking to a couple seated at a nearby table, and doing their best to appease them.

“I have no idea,” said Odelia, “but it looks as if that girl is in some kind of trouble.” She paused, then locked eyes with her husband. “Wanna go over and find out?”

“No way,” said Chase. “We’re on vacation, babe.”

“Damn my inquisitive brain,” said Odelia, as she chewed her bottom lip uncertainly. “If I don’t find out what’s going on it’s going to drive me nuts. I just know it.”

“Dooley and I will find out,” I suddenly found myself saying. “You just stay right here and relax. We’ll be back in a sec with all the news fresh from the grapevine.”

“Max?” asked Dooley as his head peeked from under the chair. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am,” I said as I jumped down from the chair. “Let’s go. We need to give Odelia a helping paw. Otherwise she’ll go off sleuthing and ruin a perfectly good honeymoon.”

And so we set off in the direction the party of four had disappeared to, carefully avoiding being trampled on, always a cat’s greatest fear—or at least one of them.

5

It didn’t take us long to catch up with our quarry, and by the time we had, they were joined by another person, this one not wearing a uniform. He was a burly man, with one of those square chins with a cleft in the middle, and intelligent eyes. If you want to know what intelligent eyes look like, I can’t really tell you. I guess the nearest I can come is to compare a cat’s eyes with those of a cow, for instance. This man didn’t have cow eyes, though the girl who was being frogmarched off now slightly resembled one as she gazed admiringly into the man’s handsome face. He had all the hallmarks of a romantic hero.

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the girl. “I thought it was my phone, and by the time I realized my mistake, it was too late.”

“You really thought a Samsung foldable phone that costs upward of two thousand bucks was yours?” asked the man with the cleft chin, his voice dripping with skepticism.

“Yes, sir,” she said, eyes wide and innocent.

“Show me your phone,” said the guy as the company halted to a stop.

“If you don’t mind, I’ll be off now, Garth,” said the man in the uniform. He had a shock of white hair and a tanned face and if I were to hazard a guess I would have pegged him as the ship’s captain. He certainly looked like a captain. And if you’re asking me what a captain looks like, once more I find it very hard to explain. I guess he looked as if he could star in a reboot of Love Boat and do a terrific job as Captain Merrill Stubing.

“Sure,” said Garth. “I’ll handle this.”

And after a final penetrating look at the girl, the captain was off.

“I–I don’t have my phone on me at the moment,” the girl said. She was young and fair-haired and she was around fifteen or sixteen years of age.

“Oh, Ruby, for Pete’s sakes, don’t lie to the man,” said what obviously was her mother, a handsome woman with flaxen hair and a round face.

“Yeah, don’t make things worse for yourself,” said the man I assumed was her dad.

“No, but it’s true, I must have forgotten it in the cabin,” Ruby insisted.

“Does your daughter own a Samsung foldable phone worth two thousand dollars, Mr. Kettering?” asked Garth now.

“No, she doesn’t,” said the man, looking a little ill at ease.

“Daddy!” said Ruby, then rolled her eyes. “Oh, the doofus,” she muttered.

“I promised that after the last time this happened I would stop covering for you, young lady,” said her dad. “Now tell this nice gentleman exactly what happened.”

“Nothing happened! I just thought that was my phone so—”

“She owns a Samsung but not one of those foldable ones,” said the girl’s mother quietly. “And we’ve been in this type of situation before, isn’t that so, Ruby?”

“Mom!”

“Ruby’s got a slight problem with…” The woman lowered her voice. “Kleptomania.”

“Can you please repeat that, Mrs. Kettering?” asked Garth, who I assumed was in charge of ship security.

“Kleptomania,” the woman repeated quietly.

“What’s kleptomania, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Um, well, kleptomaniacs are people who can’t stop taking things that don’t necessarily belong to them,” I said. “Shoplifting, but also stealing things from other people. They don’t steal for profit, but simply because they can’t help themselves.”

“So it’s like an addiction?”

“More like an affliction.”

“Poor girl.”

“And poor people whose very expensive phone she just tried to steal.”

“Look, I think I might be able to convince the person whose phone you took not to press charges,” said Garth. “But you have to promise me that this will never happen again, all right?”

“Ruby?” asked her mother, as the girl stood frowning darkly into the middle distance, obviously not happy that her parents had ratted her out. “Ruby, tell this man you’ll never do it again.”

“All right, fine,” said Ruby finally. “I’ll never do it again, sir.”

“Garth,” said Garth with a smile. “Garth Dagit. And I’m going to hold you to that, Ruby. Also, if this does happen again, I’ll have no alternative but to report it to the authorities.”

“And what authorities would that be?” asked Ruby’s dad. “American authorities or…”

“The Queen of the Seas sails under the flag of Barbados,” said Garth. “Though if this would have happened while we were anchored in port, the local authorities would have jurisdiction.”

“Sounds complicated,” said the man with a worried frown at his wife. He probably envisioned his daughter doing hard time in some Panamian prison, or a Costa Rican one.

“It is,” Garth assured him. “But none of this should concern you, if Ruby keeps her promise.” He turned his clear blue eyes on the teenager. “You will keep your promise, won’t you, Ruby?”

“Yes, of course,” said the girl with a touch of petulance. “I said I would, didn’t I? Now can we finish our dinner? I didn’t finish my dessert.”

“Ruby, be polite and say thank you to Garth.”

“Thank you, Garth,” said Ruby, though not as politely as she could have, after this brush with the law. And then she was off, followed by her mom and dad.

Garth stared after the trio, and his face betrayed his annoyance. Clearly he didn’t give much credence to Ruby’s promises. And neither, I had to say, did I. I don’t know why, but I had the distinct feeling this young kleptomaniac would soon cross our path again.

6

We hurried back to deliver our report of recent events to Odelia and Chase but when we arrived they’d already been joined by a new set of people so we settled underneath Odelia’s chair once more, and patiently bided our time. The people who’d joined them were their neighbors: Bertha Biles, her daughter Laura, husband David and the carer.

“You really should ask for a bigger cabin,” said Mrs. Biles. “No, really,” she insisted when Odelia demurred. “Honeymooners such as yourselves? I’ll talk to the captain—he’s an old friend. I’m sure he’ll be able to give you an upgrade.” Once more she was holding that small white ball in her lap. Only this time I had the impression it was moving—a trick of the light, of course.

“No, that’s fine,” said Odelia with a laugh. “We love our cabin, don’t we, babe?”

“Oh, absolutely,” said Chase. “It’s got an amazing view from the balcony.”

“But this is your honeymoon!” said the woman, patting the table. “You should get the most out of it!”

“We certainly intend to,” said Odelia, cutting a loving smile to her husband as they held hands under the table.

“Just leave them be, Mama,” said the woman’s daughter. “Can’t you see they’re perfectly happy?” She glanced in the direction of her stepfather, who was in fact nearer her own age than her mother’s.

“That man is awfully young to be Mrs. Biles’s husband, don’t you think, Max?” asked Dooley, who’d made the same observation.

“Yes, he is. But then I guess there’s no age limit on love, Dooley.”

“How old do you think she is? And how old do you think he is?”

“Well… It’s hard to put an age on a person, but I’d put Bertha in her early fifties, her husband probably twenty years her junior? But that doesn’t mean a thing Dooley,” I quickly chided my friend for his inopportune remarks. “The main thing is that they love each other. Age is just anumber, after all.”

“Did you guys see Lil Thug?” asked Adele, the carer with the suspiciously dark hair. “I’ve been looking for him everywhere.”

“He was here before. He said he wanted to get some rest. He’s got a show tomorrow,” said Odelia.

“Oh, that’s right,” said Mrs. Biles. “He’s some kind of singer, isn’t he?”

“He’s only the greatest rapper in the world, Mama!” said her daughter with a laugh. “Here, I’ll let you listen to some of his music. He’s brilliant. An absolute genius.”

“No, thank you very much,” said the woman decidedly. “I’m not into rap, and I just know I’ll find it terrible.”

“No, you won’t. He’s very creative. Even people who usually don’t like rap are into his stuff. Listen to this.” And before her mother could protest, she’d shoved her phone into the woman’s face and we were all treated to a short sampling of the man’s creative genius. I must say it didn’t impress me to a great degree. His creative genius seemed to be limited to inventing new swear words and complaining about the state of the world.

“I hate it,” said Mrs. Biles, and brushed her daughter’s phone away from her face. “Please turn it off before I lose my appetite.”

“But he’s a genius, Mama!”

“Doubtful,” said the woman, and brought a shrimp to her lips. “And I sincerely hope he’ll clean up his language before tomorrow night. This is a family cruise, you know.”

“So are you a fan, Adele?” Odelia asked, addressing Mrs. Biles’s carer.

“Oh, for sure. I’m probably the man’s biggest fan.”

“That’s impossible, cause I’m his biggest fan,” said Laura as she put away her phone.

“Adele loves music,” said Bertha Biles. “And even though we don’t always see eye to eye on everything, we travel together all the time. Isn’t that right, Adele?”

“Absolutely. We’re joined at the hip, the two of us.”

“You travel a lot?” asked Chase politely.

“All the time,” said Mrs. Biles. “And as often as I can with my husband and my daughter. I just hate sitting at home. I don’t have any hobbies besides traveling, and the worst thing you can do is tell me I can’t travel. I’d go nuts.”

“Oh, that’s not entirely true, Mama,” said Laura. “You love to entertain, don’t you?”

“That’s true,” Mrs. Biles admitted. “I do love to throw a good party.”

“Where do you live?” asked Odelia as she sipped from her glass of wine.

“Arlington, Virginia. You have to visit me sometime, once your honeymoon is over, and when I’m between cruises.”

“You do cruise a lot, don’t you, Mama?”

“What can I say? I love it. This is my seventh time on the Queen of the Seas. I could live on this boat. And why not? You always meet such interesting people, the food is great, the climate, the sights… The Caribbean cruises are my favorite, like this one and the Disney cruises. Though I like the Alaskan cruises, too. And the European ones.”

“I once read a story about a man who actually lives on a cruise ship,” said Odelia. “I mean actually lives his whole life on the boat. I can’t imagine what kind of life that is, though. I think I’d miss my family too much.”

“And what do you call home, dear?”

“Hampton Cove,” said Odelia. “Long Island. Right next to Happy Bays.”

“I don’t think I’ve heard of it,” said her husband.

“Oh, it’s just a small town, but it’s lovely, and since I’ve lived there all my life, I know just about everybody.”

“Her uncle is chief of police, and her uncle’s girlfriend is the mayor,” said Chase.

“And you’re a policeman, too?”

“That’s right. I’m a cop, and Odelia is a reporter, and occasional amateur sleuth.”

“You’re famous,” said Laura, waving her phone. “We googled you and found plenty of articles you wrote.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call myself famous,” said Odelia with a laugh. “But I’m the only reporter in town, apart from my editor, so if you google Hampton Cove my articles are bound to pop up.”

“You solved a lot of murders, too,” said Mrs. Biles, her eyes widening with interest.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say a lot…” Odelia murmured.

“Don’t be so modest, babe,” said Chase. “Odelia is an excellent sleuth,” he added, placing his arm around his wife’s shoulder. “In fact I wouldn’t know what to do without her—professionally or privately.”

“Oh, isn’t that sweet?” said Mrs. Biles, clasping her hands together. “Such a devoted couple. Who does that remind you of, honey?”

“Why, you and me, of course, sweetie,” said her young husband.

“Married three years this fall, and still as much in love as we were when we first met,” said Mrs. Biles, and pressed a sweet kiss on her husband’s lips.

“That’s so sweet, isn’t it, Max?” said Dooley with a sigh. “So in love.”

“Very sweet,” I agreed. But then I caught a look Laura gave David Biles, and wondered if there wasn’t more to the story. Because that look struck me as that of a woman deeply in love.

7

I can’t say I was completely at ease, but the fact that we’d been fed and that our two humans were close by did lull me into letting my guard down for a moment. And as Odelia and Chase chatted happily away with the members of the Biles family, I placed my chin on my front paws and was soon snoring away to my heart’s content.

But then something tapped me on the nose and I opened my eyes to discover that the white ball of fluff that had been in Mrs. Biles’s lap had come to life and was staring at me. It had momentarily retracted its paw with which it had flicked me across the nose but was now tentatively extending it again, clearly with the idea of repeating the procedure.

“Who are you and why are you touching my nose?” I asked therefore.

“Oh, ha!” said the tiny white hairball. “I thought you were dead!”

“I’m not dead,” I said, stating the obvious.

“Who’s dead?!” asked Dooley, who’d also woken up from this minor altercation.

“Nobody’s dead,” I said. But if this tiny hairball kept flicking me across the nose while I was trying to get a little shuteye I had a good idea who would be soon. Dead, I mean.

“I’m Salvatore,” said the hairball. “And who are you?”

“Salvatore?” I said, still not fully awake in spite of the harsh treatment.

“Isn’t that a coincidence?” said the ball of fluff. “So your name is Salvatore, too?”

“No, his name is Max,” said Dooley.

“Max?”

“That’s me,” I said, and yawned prodigiously.

“Are you… a ferret?” asked Dooley now, taking a keen interest in the tiny ball.

“No, I’m a dog,” said Salvatore happily, not the least bit insulted by this mix-up. “A teacup Maltese, in fact.”

“Teacup?” asked Dooley. “What do you mean?”

“That’s what I am. A teacup Maltese, on account of the fact that I’m smaller than a regular Maltese dog, I guess.”

“Oh, you’re a dog,” said Dooley.

“That’s right. I’m a dog.”

“And you live in a teacup.”

“No, I don’t live in a teacup,” said Salvatore with an indulgent smile. “How about you?”

“No, I don’t live in a teacup either,” said Dooley, “and neither does Max.”

“No, I mean: who do you belong to?”

“Oh. Well, this is our human,” said Dooley, gesturing to Odelia, who was still talking a mile a minute to her new friends. “Odelia Poole. She’s a reporter and she’s here on her honeymoon. And that’s her husband Chase. He’s a cop.”

“A cop!” “said Salvatore, much surprised. “I didn’t know cops honeymooned.”

“Cops are just like regular people,” said Dooley. “They eat, they sleep, and they go on honeymoons.”

“Weird,” said Salvatore. “I always thought cops lived for their jobs. You know, take naps on their office couches. Wake up in the morning to grab a styrofoam cup of lousy coffee, eat lots of donuts and never take a vacation. And the only time they come near a woman is when they meet their ex-wives to argue about being late with their alimony.”

“I think you’ve been watching too many cop shows,” I told him. “Chase isn’t like that.”

“No, he doesn’t even have a couch in his office,” Dooley chimed in. “And he doesn’t eat donuts for breakfast. He does drink coffee, though, but it’s very delicious coffee, made with a coffeemaker. Except when Gran makes the coffee. Then it’s often undrinkable.”

“Gran?”

“Odelia’s grandmother lives with us now, and so do her parents, ever since Gran accidentally destroyed their house, so while it’s being rebuilt they all live together.”

“Huh,” said Salvatore. He probably had never seen that in any cop show.

“So how about your humans?” I asked. “Who do you belong to?”

“Bertha Biles,” said Salvatore proudly. “Best human in the world.”

“That’s impossible,” said Dooley. “Because Odelia is the best human in the world.”

“So maybe they’re both the best humans in the world,” I said, wanting to nip a potential argument in the bud. It’s never a good idea to get into an argument with a dog, even if he is the size of a teacup.

“You must lead an interesting life,” said Dooley, admiration clear in his voice. “Traveling all the time, going on cruise after cruise after cruise.”

“Not really,” said Salvatore with a shrug. “In fact this is the first cruise we’ve been on this year. Mostly we spend time at home nowadays.”

“Oh? But I thought Mrs. Biles said that you go on cruises pretty much back to back?”

“We used to, but lately money has been tight, and so we stopped doing that. Too bad, because sitting at home is not doing Bertha any good.”

“Did she lose all of her money?” asked Dooley, always interested in this kind of soapy story.

“I’m not sure, but it is true that she’s been economizing. She used to have two carers, and she had to let one go and now only has Adele to take care of her.”

“And her husband and her daughter,” I said.

“Laura isn’t always around. She only joined this cruise because she’s paying.”

“Laura is paying for this cruise?”

“Yeah. She has a great job as a software engineer, and she makes a lot of money, and seeing her mother locked away at home she took pity on her and decided to give her this cruise as a treat.”

“Wouldn’t it have been nice for our family to have come out for this cruise, Max?” asked Dooley.

“No, Dooley, it wouldn’t,” I said. “This is Odelia’s honeymoon, and newlyweds don’t like it when they have to spend it with their entire family.”

“Oh,” said Dooley. Then he turned back to Salvatore, and I could see he had plenty more questions burning on his tongue. “So how did your human and her husband meet? Was it very romantic?”

“David was her physical therapist for a short while, and working together must have created a bond, cause soon after he arrived they decided to tie the knot.”

“All those massages must have done the trick,” I said.

“So has your human always been in a wheelchair, Salvatore?”

“Dooley, maybe you should take it easy with the third degree, huh?”

“No, that’s all right,” said Salvatore. “I’m happy to talk about Bertha. It’s not every day that I meet other pets. In fact I rarely meet anyone, so this is a real treat for me.”

I’d never heard a dog refer to his meeting with a pair of cats as a treat, so I raised both eyebrows in surprise.

“So Bertha lost the use of her legs shortly after Laura was born, back when she was still married to her first husband—Laura’s dad. This was shortly before he fell off a boat and was declared dead.”

“He fell off a boat?” I asked.

“Yeah, he was yachting with some friends in the South of France and fell off the boat in the middle of the night.”

“So maybe he swam to shore,” said Dooley. “Or maybe he was picked up by a Russian submarine. Or maybe he hit his head and lost his memory and now he thinks he’s Jason Bourne and he’s killing killers all over the world!”

“I doubt it,” said Salvatore. “Most probable explanation is that he was drunk and fell in and drowned.”

“What a story,” said Dooley, eyes wide with excitement. This was the stuff of soaps, of which he was a big fan.

“Anyway, officially he died. And Laura is too young to remember. She was only a baby when he disappeared.”

“And now she has a new daddy,” said Dooley. “David.”

“I don’t think she sees David as her daddy,” said Salvatore, cutting a quick glance to Laura, who was staring at David with the kind of look I’ve never seen a daughter give her daddy. More like the kind of look Daphne Bridgerton gives the Duke of Hastings across the breakfast table.

“Do you think Laura is in love with David?” I asked therefore.

Salvatore stared at me.“In love? What do you mean, in love? David is Laura’s stepdad, Max. How can she be in love with her stepdad?”

“Well, they’re about the same age,” I said. “So naturally I would assume that theirs is a bond of a different nature than simply stepdad and stepdaughter.”

Salvatore glanced up at Laura again. The girl had her chin in her hand and was gazing at David with unflinching intensity while the man expounded at length on the different benefits of physical therapy. It was clear to me that the love light was strong in this one.

“You know what?” said Salvatore. “I think you’re confusing gratitude for love, Max.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Laura is obviously very grateful that David brought happiness into her mother’s life when he decided to marry her. Before David entered the picture, Bertha was prone to a certain moodiness. But since her surprise betrothal and subsequent marriage she’s been very happy. And Laura is simply grateful. That’s all there is to it.”

Laura looked more than grateful to me. In fact she looked like she wanted to make sweet, sweet love to the guy and feed him grapes in the aftermath. But I decided not to mention this to the teacup Maltese, who clearly was very fond of his human.

“I’m sure you’re right,” I said instead.

“She does look very grateful,” said Dooley. “She looks so grateful she could kiss him.”

“A chaste kiss,” I clarified when Salvatore frowned. “On the temple.”

8

That night we had our first Skype session with the family back home. Marge and Tex and even Gran had agreed not to skype the happy couple, wanting them to enjoy their honeymoon to the fullest, but Odelia and Chase insisted they wanted to keep the fam up to date and allow them to enjoy this happy vacation vicariously.

“So how is the food?” asked Marge, seated next to Tex and Gran. “Are they feeding you enough?”

“The food is fine, Mom,” said Odelia. “In fact the food is great.”

“Yeah, there’s plenty of restaurants to choose from,” said Chase, “so we decided to try a different one every day.”

“And how is the boat? It’s not one of those tiny old boats, is it?” asked Gran. “Where you constantly feel the motion of the ocean?”

“No, it’s a very big boat,” said Odelia. “Incredibly big, in fact. There must be thousands of people on board. There’s also an entire shopping mall on one of the lower levels, and restaurants, swimming pools, jacuzzis, a FlowRider surf simulator, climbing wall, state-of-the-art gym, movietheater, several bars, discos…”

“We already met a couple of our neighbors,” said Chase. “A great bunch of people.”

“In fact we have a very famous neighbor,” said Odelia.

“Who? Brad Pitt?” asked Gran excitedly.

“Not Brad Pitt. Lil Thug.”

There was silence on the other end, then Tex voiced the question that was clearly on all of their minds:“Who is Lil Thug?”

“Only one of the most famous rappers in the world.”

“A rapper? You’ve got a rapper as your neighbor?” asked Gran.

“A famous rapper. Isn’t that great?”

“Just make sure you put all your valuables in the cabin safe, honey. And lock it before you leave the cabin.”

“Oh, I don’t think Lil Thug is interested in our valuables, Gran. He’s got a diamond embedded in his forehead worth twenty million dollars.”

Gran blinked at this.“A diamond in his forehead? What the hell are you talking about?”

“He had a diamond implanted in his forehead,” Chase explained.

Gran stared at us. Then she shook her head.“Nah. I don’t get it.”

“It’s like a piercing,” Odelia said. “Only they used a diamond.”

“But… why?”

“Because it looks cool?” Chase offered.

“Cool! I’ll bet it makes him look like a complete moron!”

“No, it looks nice, in fact,” said Odelia. “Like some Indian women who put a red dot between their eyebrows? It’s called a bindi. Though those aren’t permanent I don’t think.”

“This is even worse than I thought,” said Gran. “This guy is obviously completely unhinged. Make sure you lock and bolt your door, unless you want Lil Mug or Lil Pug or whatever his name is to come barging in there in the middle of the night waving a machete.”

“Lil Thug is all right, Gran. He’s very fashion-conscious, which is where the diamond comes in.”

“He told us he’s been dreaming of owning this diamond for years,” Chase explained. “And how he’s been saving up so he could finally buy it.”

“Twenty million,” said Gran, sounding disgusted. “And to think there’s kids in Africa who don’t have anything to eat. You tell this thug from me that he’s a moron, will you?”

“They’re not going to do any such thing,” said Marge. “They’re going to enjoy their honeymoon and they’re going to get along with their neighbors.” She turned to the camera and raised her voice. “How is the bed? Do you think you’ll be able to sleep tonight?”

“The bed is just the best, Mom,” said Chase. “One of those box-spring beds that are so comfortable to sleep on.”

“Sleep!” Gran scoffed. “Do you really expect them to sleep on their honeymoon?” She gave her granddaughter a wink. “Plenty of nookie—that’s what honeymoons are for!”

Odelia’s face flushed a little, and even Chase looked slightly embarrassed.

“How are Max and Dooley?” asked Marge after a pause. “Are they settling in all right?”

“I’ll let them tell you themselves,” said Odelia, and turned her phone to me.

“I’m fine, Marge!” I said, probably a little too loud. I wasn’t used to skyping. It felt a little odd to be talking like this, especially since there was an obvious lag.

“Oh, good,” said Marge. “And remember, Max, if you get lost just head to the bow of the ship and wait for Odelia to come and find you.”

“The bow?” said Gran. “I thought we said the stern?”

“No, the bow. Don’t try to find the cabin, Max. On a big boat like that it’s easy to get lost, so you do what we tell you, all right?”

“I think we said the stern, or aft.”

“No, the bow. Just like Kate and Leo.”

“Oh, right, and then Max can sing about his heart that goes on and on.”

“He doesn’t have to sing, Ma. All he has to do is sit there and wait.”

“Or he can sit and wait and sing.”

“He won’t have to sit and wait and sing,” said Tex. “Max is a clever cat. He won’t get lost. Will you, Max?”

“I won’t get lost,” I said with an indulgent smile.

“He says he won’t get lost,” said Marge.

“Yeah, I figured that was what he said, honey.”

They’d given Dooley and me this safety briefing three times already. Not that I thought we’d need it. I had absolutely no intention of wandering off on my own. In fact if it was up to me I’d stay in the cabin the whole time, but Odelia would have none of that.

“We met a teacup dog today, Marge,” said Dooley. “He’s not small enough to fit inside a teacup, though, so I don’t really know why he would call himself a teacup dog, but he was very nice. He told us all about his humans.”

Gran grinned.“Of course you would start collecting shipboard gossip the moment you set paw on the boat. You’re my kind of cat, Dooley!”

“That’s because I am your cat, Gran!” Dooley yelled.

“What’s with the yelling?” she yelled. “I’m not deaf, you silly cat!”

“What are your plans for tonight?” asked Marge. “Party time?”

“No, I think we’ll turn in early,” said Odelia.

“Youth really is wasted on the young,” said Gran. “If I were in your shoes I’d party all night, every night. In fact Scarlett and I are planning to take the same trip next year. So you make sure you take plenty of pictures, you hear? I want to know everything.”

“You’re going on a cruise, Gran?” asked Chase.

“Oh, sure. Can’t wait, in fact.”

“Let’s first try to get our house rebuilt,” said Tex, “and then we’ll see about a cruise.”

“Killjoy,” Gran muttered.

“You guys have a great time,” said Marge. I was already turning away, figuring our Skype session was over, but then she said, “Max and Dooley, I have a little surprise for you. Come over here, will you?”

So we came over there, and lo and behold: Harriet and Brutus moved into view. Harriet was frowning, and the first thing she said was:“Why didn’t you take us along on your cruise? It’s not fair!”

9

“I knew I should have insisted,” said Harriet. “Now you’re having the time of your lives while we’re stuck here at home—bored out of our skulls with nothing to do!”

“I thought you started going back to cat choir?” I asked.

“Cat choir is fine, but it’s got nothing on a Caribbean cruise, Max.”

“Look, next time it will be our turn,” said Brutus. “Gran has already been making plans with Scarlett, and I’m sure she’ll take us along.”

“Besides, there’s nothing to be jealous about,” I said. “We’re on a boat, Harriet, in the middle of the ocean. Not exactly the kind of position a cat likes to be in.”

“Yeah, and there’s a lot of people,” said Dooley. “And we have to be very careful that we don’t get trampled.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better,” said Harriet, though judging from her tone, which was already slightly less fractious, she was susceptible to our arguments.

“Look, to be absolutely honest I can’t wait until we’re back in Hampton Cove,” I said. I glanced in the direction of the balcony, where Odelia and Chase were enjoying the view. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but putting two cats on a boat wasn’t exactly the done thing. And neither was putting them on a plane, which were exactly the two things we’d had to endure to share this honeymoon with our humans.

“We met two birds today,” said Dooley. “They were very nice. Weren’t they, Max?”

“Very nice,” I agreed. “So how is everybody over there?”

“Oh, fine,” said Harriet with a wave of her paw. “Shanille and I had an argument about my solo last night. And Gran wants to become an influencer and she wants Brutus and me to star in her videos and her Instagram photos, so there’s that to keep us busy.”

“Gran wants to become an influencer?” I asked, not all that surprised.

“Yeah, she figures she can make a lot of money, and pay for an extension to the house.”

“Oh, dear.”

“She wants to become famous and then she’ll get all kinds of stuff for free,” Brutus explained. “Though I think the getting famous part is the hardest part, and that’s exactly the part she hasn’t really talked about much.”

“Yeah, she’s more focused on the free stuff she’ll be getting,” said Harriet. “Like free cosmetics, free clothes, free shoes, free trips… free cruises.”

“So she wants to take this cruise for free next year?” I asked. “Paid for by some company after she becomes a famous influencer?”

“That’s the plan,” said Brutus with a shrug.

“We met two influencers,” said Dooley. “But I don’t think they’re rich. I think they’re poor.”

“Poor influencers?” asked Harriet. “I didn’t know that was a thing.”

“And clearly neither does Gran,” Brutus grunted, darting a quick look over his shoulder to make sure Gran wasn’t listening in on our conversation.

“So how is the honeymoon going?” asked Harriet. “Do they lock you guys up in the bathroom at night or what?”

I frowned at our friend.“First of all, we have yet to spend our first night aboard, and secondly, why would Odelia want to lock us in the bathroom?”

“Because of the honeymoon, silly.”

I stared at her, then shook my head.“I don’t get it.”

“Oh, Max, you can be so naive sometimes. What do people do on their honeymoon?”

I thought hard for a moment, then I finally caught her drift.“Oh.”

“Or maybe they’ve got a second room or something?”

I looked around.“No second room. Just this one—and a bathroom. A very small bathroom.”

Frankly I didn’t want to spend the night in that bathroom. I’m not prone to claustrophobia, but I had the distinct impression that I’d develop the condition in that tiny space if I had to stay there for the next ten nights.

“Why would Odelia lock us up in the bathroom, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Well…” I said, and cast a hopeful look at Harriet. But she was merely smirking, and smoothing her whiskers, waiting for me to explain to Dooley what honeymooners actually did on a honeymoon.

“You remember how you told me that Odelia and Chase were going to do a lot of kissing and make a lot of babies, right?” I began.

“Yes,” Dooley said with an interested nod.

“Well… usually when humans engage in that kind of activity they don’t like to be disturbed. Especially by their pets, if you see what I mean.”

Clearly Dooley did not see what I meant, for he was frowning.“But why wouldn’t they want us to be there when they kiss?”

“Um…” I cast another hopeful look at Harriet and Brutus, but they merely stared at me, curious how I was going to extricate myself from this situation Harriet had maneuvered me in. “Well… most humans, when they… kiss, they like a little privacy.”

“But they kiss all the time, and they don’t seem to mind that we’re there.”

“Okay. No, I see why you would think that. But in actual fact they do mind, only they’re too kind to tell us. But here, on their honeymoon, I’m sure they would appreciate it if we made ourselves scarce when they engage in all of this… kissing, see?”

“Oh, Dooley, don’t you get it?” said Harriet, clearly having had enough of this pussyfooting around. “Honeymooners need their privacy. It’s as simple as that. Now where are you two going to be when they’re consummating their marriage?”

“Consummating their marriage?” asked Dooley.

“It’s just a phrase,” I said quickly. “It means they’ll be celebrating the fact that they got married by kissing a lot.”

“Even more than they normally kiss?”

“Just a little bit more, perhaps.”

“More like a lot more,” said Brutus with a grin.

“Thanks, Brutus.”

“Like, a lot a lot.”

“Yes, we get it.”

“Alot a lot a lot.”

“Brutus!”

“We could sleep on the balcony,” said Dooley.

“Excellent idea,” I said. “The nights are nice and warm out here.”

“It is a little cramped,” said Dooley, taking in our postage stamp of a balcony.

“We can make an effort,” I said. “For Odelia and Chase.”

“Oh, sure. Absolutely.”

“Great. Now that that’s settled, I’m going to leave you guys to it,” said Harriet. And both she and Brutus cutting a final grin in our direction, she severed the connection.

Moments later, Odelia and Chase returned to the room, and Dooley said,“We’ve agreed to sleep out on the balcony, Odelia, so you and Chase can consummate your marriage. Is that all right with you?”

“What did he say?” asked Chase when Odelia started laughing.

“He wants us to consummate our marriage and so he suggested that he and Max sleep out on the balcony tonight.”

Chase also started laughing, and Dooley turned to me.“Did I say something funny?”

“Of course not, Dooley. You just made them both very happy, that’s all. That’s why they’re laughing so hard.”

Odelia and Chase had tears in their eyes now, and were practically rolling on the floor. Dooley eyed them with suspicion.“They seem to bevery happy, Max.”

10

Instead of going to bed early, Odelia and Chase surprised us by inviting us for a walk on deck to enjoy some of that honeymoon romance under a moonlit sky. They didn’t have to tell us twice, as being cooped up on that tiny balcony for the rest of the night didn’t hold all that much appeal to me, to be completely honest.

So that’s why we now found ourselves taking a stroll on deck. There were still plenty of people around, but most of them were confined to the decks that offered the kind of nightlife your typical reveler craves. We, on the contrary, had sought out the relative peace and quiet of the upper deck, where only a few couples had the same idea as Chase and Odelia, and were strolling hand in hand or staring out across the vast ocean, taking in that fabled ocean air, and generally having a wonderful time.

Dooley and I decided to give our humans some space, and had taken up position near one of the lifeboats, which Dooley was studying carefully, presumably to see whether they were fit for duty if or when we happened to hit an iceberg.

I’d already told him there were no icebergs in the Caribbean, but he still seemed reluctant to accept that plain truth.

“There could be hidden icebergs, Max. The kind of icebergs you don’t see, and they’re even more dangerous than the ones that stick out.”

“Sure, Dooley.”

“I mean, an iceberg could have easily drifted here from the Arctic, a silent killer, taking down cruise ships, and the captain wouldn’t even know, because it’s dark out.”

“They have radar nowadays, and all kinds of sophisticated equipment, to make sure that kind of thing can’t happen. If there was an iceberg out there, the captain would know.”

“Still,” he said, casting a critical eye at the lifeboat and mentally fitting a life jacket. “I just hope that when the ship goes down that Odelia won’t make Chase float in the water. There’s plenty of space on that raft, Max. There’s no need for Chase to freeze to death.”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but since I’d just spotted our two feathered friends again, I gave them a little wave. Though I had to say they had this strange look on their faces. A little like Chase when he sees a nice, juicy steak.

“Hi there,” I said by way of greeting. “Nice evening for a stroll, eh?”

“Absolutely,” said Jack. “I’m surprised you guys are still here, though.”

“And why is that?” I asked.

“I would have thought that two lovely cats such as yourselves—succulent, tasty, full-bodied specimens—would have been snapped up by now.”

“Snapped up?” I said, having a little trouble following the thread of the conversation.

“Well, sure. You look like such a well-fed cat, Max—and you, too, Dooley—that I would have thought one of our friends would have taken a liking to you by now.”

“No, we haven’t met any of your friends yet,” I said.

“I guess this is our lucky night, Frank.”

“I guess it is, Jack.”

For some reason, I don’t know why, I was starting to get a little antsy. As I’ve already indicated these were two very large birds. And as I glanced around, I noticed for the first time that we were all alone out there—the deck now practically deserted. Which meant that if these birds weren’t as nice and friendly as we thought them to be, no one would defend us in case things got rough.

“We talked to a teacup Maltese today,” said Dooley. “He was very nice. He says he used to go on these kinds of cruises all the time, but lately his human has run into some financial trouble, and so now he stays at home with her most of the time.”

“Now isn’t that a pity?” said Jack with a nasty lilt to his voice that I didn’t like.

“A teacup Maltese, huh?” said Frank. “Not much meat on that carcass, then.”

“Not like Max over here,” said Jack. “How much do you weigh, Max?”

“Um… about twenty pounds? I have lost some weight.”

“Pity,” said Jack.

“Yeah, pity,” said Frank.

“Odelia put him on a diet,” Dooley explained.

“Terrible things, diets,” said Jack.

“Never lose weight, Max,” said his friend. “You’re perfect just the way you are.”

“And don’t let anybody tell you differently.”

“That’s what I keep telling him,” said Dooley. “Isn’t that what I keep telling you, Max?”

“Yeah, Dooley, you do,” I said, glancing here and there for an avenue for escape.

The two seagulls had hopped down from the railing and were now on deck, inching ever closer to where we were sitting.“Twenty pounds, huh?” said Jack, actually licking his lips—I didn’t even know that birds had tongues! “And what do you eat, Max? What do you put in that nice, round tummy of yours, eh?”

“Only the best of the best,” said Dooley proudly. “Our human doesn’t stint on the good stuff. The best kibble money can buy, the best wet food, and even some raw meat from time to time.”

“Raw meat, huh? Sounds like you’ve got it made, Dooley.”

“I like raw meat,” said Frank. “In fact I love it. Raw and bloody—the bloodier the better.”

“And how about you, Dooley? how much do you weigh, little buddy?”

“Um, about ten pounds, I guess,” said Dooley.

“You guess?”

“I’m not sure. It’s been a while since Vena weighed me.”

“Who’s Vena?”

“Is she also on board this ship?” asked Jack, taking another step closer.

“No, you guys,” said Dooley with a laugh. “Vena is our veterinarian. Every time Odelia takes us to see her she puts us on a scale. She seems to like that kind of thing.”

“Yeah, Vena takes real good care of us,” I chimed in, and gestured for Dooley to take a step back. The behavior of these two seagulls was highly alarming, I now felt, and the more we kept our distance, the better.

“So you both got a clean bill of health, huh?” asked Frank. “No diseases?”

“Yeah, we’re both as healthy as can be,” said Dooley. “Tiptop shape!”

“Um, not exactly,” I said. I noticed how Jack’s eyes were glittering as he approached. Much to my annoyance, Dooley was missing my nonverbal messages entirely, and refused to budge. “In fact the last time I went to see Vena she told me I have a very rare blood disease. Potentially fatal.”

“Is that so?” asked Jack with a slight grin.

“Yeah, very dangerous blood disease,” I said, nodding. “Looks like it’s spread all over my organs… and such.”

“Uh huh.”

“Max! You didn’t tell me!” said Dooley, clearly shocked by this news.

“Bad Max,” said Frank. “He didn’t tell his little friend he’s sick. That wasn’t nice of you, Max.”

“No, but it’s true. I’m a very sick cat. My whole body is poisoned on the inside. Extremely poisoned.”

“Max! You’re dying?” asked Dooley.

“Um, yeah, I guess I am.”

Jack and Frank shared a quick glance, and I could swear they were smirking. It was obvious they didn’t believe a word I said.

And then suddenly, just as Jack spread his wings and appeared ready to pounce, Odelia and Chase arrived!

“Oh, there you are,” said Odelia. “We better get going.”

“See you later, Max and Dooley,” said Jack.

“Yeah, catch you later, guys,” Frank chimed in.

And then they both took off, loudly cackling as they did.

“Max is dying, Odelia!” said Dooley. “He just told me the news!”

“Max? What is Dooley talking about?” asked Odelia. But I was still keeping a close eye on the departing birds, worried they might come back.

“See! He’s at death’s door!” said Dooley. “He doesn’t even react anymore!”

But then Odelia picked me up and gave me a hug.“Maxie? What’s going on?”

“I think those birds want to eat us,” I said.

“Birds? What birds?” she asked, a tinge of worry in her voice.

“The birds that were just here. Jack and Frank. Seagulls,” I added for good measure.

“Oh, don’t be silly, Max,” she said. “Seagulls don’t eat cats. Now what’s all this about you being sick and dying, huh?”

And as she carried me off, Chase picked up Dooley and gave him a cuddle.

“Oh, I just said that to get rid of those birds,” I told her.

“Smart plan,” said Odelia. “I’ve always said it and I’ll say it again: you’re a smart cookie, Max. Now how about a midnight snack?”

“A midnight snack?” I asked, immediately forgetting all about Jack and Frank. “I love a midnight snack.”

“Well, then let’s grab us one,” she said, and gave me a smacking kiss on the top of my head.

11

That night, Dooley and I spent out on the balcony, as promised, while Odelia and Chase occupied the cabin. It wasn’t too bad: Odelia had put down a blanket for us to sleep on, and as I’d already indicated, the night was warm enough, and of course there was that vast open space of the ocean to take into account, with its abundance of fresh air. Which was also a cause of worry, though, as I dearly hoped Jackand Frank wouldn’t come and find us and… eat us!

“So are you sure you’re not dying, Max?” asked Dooley, not for the first time.

“Yes, Dooley. I’m perfectly fine.”

“You really scared me.”

“I know, Dooley, and I’m sorry. But I just did it to get Jack and Frank off our backs.”

“But why? They’re so nice.”

“I don’t know, Dooley. I just had a bad feeling, all right?”

“Well, I have a very good feeling. I think we all just might become fast friends.”

I put my head down then, and tried to get some sleep. Luckily a cat can sleep but still stay alert. We can even sleep with one eye open if we must. The moment those birds put in a return performance, I’d be wide awake and heading for the great indoors.

From inside the cabin, the sounds of some heavy romancing reached my ears. But then I finally fell asleep, and dreamed of seagulls—dozens and dozens of them. Ugh.

I woke up from the sound of shuffling feet and whispered conversations. It must have been out in the corridor, for inside the cabin all was quiet, the honeymooners now fast asleep. The whispers ended and I dozed off again.

The next time I woke up, it was from a loud and persistent banging on the cabin door, and as Chase went to answer it, Odelia opened the balcony door to let us in.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“No idea,” she said, looking sleepy and tousled but still mightily cute in her Finding Nemo T-shirt and matching panties. She slipped into a sweater as Chase pulled open the door to reveal… Garth Dagit, the security guy who’d so expertly dealt with kleptomaniac Ruby.

“I’m sorry to wake you up,” said the guy, “but you’re both cops, right?”

“I’m a cop,” said Chase, “and my wife is a police consultant.” He was only dressed in a pair of ladybug-pattern boxers at this point—presumably a present from Odelia.

“There’s been… an incident,” said the security guy, “and I was wondering if you would mind giving me a hand.”

“What happened?” asked Chase as he gratefully accepted a T-shirt from Odelia.

“You better come with me,” Garth suggested.

Odelia darted a quick look down at me, and I got the message.

“Dooley,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“Go where?” asked Dooley. “Is the cruise over already? Have we landed?”

“Boats don’t land, Dooley,” I said. “They dock into port.”

“So have we docked into port?”

“I don’t think so. Looks like something happened and this man needs our help.”

“I hope it’s not that kleptomaniac girl again,” said Dooley as we followed Odelia, who was following Chase, who was following the beefy security man. “Maybe she stole another phone and now she’s going to be in big trouble.”

But it wasn’t the kleptomaniac girl. If only it had been so easy. Instead we found ourselves entering the next cabin, and as we approached the bed, much to our surprise Mr. Lil Thug was sprawled out there… looking very dead indeed.

“Oh, my God!” said Odelia. “What happened?”

“You tell me,” said Garth as he dragged a weary hand through his mane. “We got a distress call but unfortunately the operator had just stepped out of her office. Luckily all calls are registered and can easily be traced to the phone they were made from, so the operator decided to wake me up so I could take a look, and this is what I found.”

“Is he… dead?” asked Dooley.

We’d both jumped up on the bed to take a closer look, earning ourselves a censorious frown from Garth in the process so we quickly jumped down again.

From what I could gather the man had been stabbed or shot in the chest, for there was a lot of blood around that area. And also, and more disturbingly: the twenty-million-dollar pink diamond that had been so nicely embedded in his forehead… was gone.

“Looks like a robbery,” said Chase as he examined the body with the kind of professionalism he likes to bring to his job. “Stone was cut from his face and he was probably killed for it.”

“Stone?” asked Garth. “What stone?”

“Lil Thug had a diamond implanted in his forehead,” Odelia explained. “It was worth twenty million.”

Garth whistled through his teeth.“Twenty million. Now there’s a motive for murder.”

“Only problem is: who took the stone and killed its owner?” asked Chase.

“It must have been someone on this corridor. Cause I already checked CCTV before I woke you up, and no one came or went after the last person arrived to go to their cabin.”

“There’s no CCTV in the corridor itself?” asked Odelia.

“No, unfortunately not. I keep asking management to install them all over the ship, but they’re reluctant and keep brushing me off with privacy concerns.”

“So… how many cabins are there on this corridor?”

Garth took out his notebook and frowned.“Well, there’s this cabin, then yours, then there’s Bertha Biles and her husband David Biles, next to her is her daughter Laura Matz, across from Miss Matz is Adele Brzeczek, next are the Ketterings—Ruby and her parents Cynthia and Charles, and across from Lil Thug are Chiquita K?n?nen and Oren Vittle. So how many is that?” He quickly counted on his fingers. “Um, eleven, you two included.” He gave our humans a quick grin. “I checked you out, though, and both your reputations precede you.”

“In a good way, I hope?” said Odelia.

“Absolutely. I wouldn’t have brought you in on this otherwise.”

“So… no one could have gotten in from the outside somehow?” asked Chase. “Dropped down to Lil Thug’s balcony and then returned the same way?”

“No way,” said Garth with a definite shake of the head.

“So then it looks like one of these people is the culprit. Only question is: who?”

“I also found this,” said Garth, and held up a little plastic baggie. In it we could see a single gold earring. “And unless this belonged to Mr. Thug, this is the killer’s.”

12

The next morning at breakfast we found ourselves seated at the same table as the Biles family again, and naturally there was only one topic of conversation: the sudden and shocking death of Lil Thug.

“Is it true?” asked Mrs. Biles. “Did Mr. Thug really get mugged and killed last night?”

“Unfortunately, it’s true,” said Odelia.

“I saw you talking to Garth Dagit,” Mrs. Biles explained, “which is how I figured you probably knew what’s going on, you being cops and all.”

Odelia didn’t bother to explain to the woman that she wasn’t a cop, per se.

“How did you hear about what happened?” asked Chase as he buttered a piece of toast.

“One of the cleaners told Adele. Isn’t that right, Adele?”

“Yeah, she did,” said Mrs. Biles’s carer. “I thought she was kidding, but she swore up and down that she wasn’t. She said a terrible thing had happened and we probably should ask to change cabins, since that corridor is now cursed because of what happened.”

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible,” said Laura. She looked a little sullen, I thought, as she took a sip from her hot coffee. “I already asked the captain this morning, and he said there are no more cabins available. I also asked him about Lil Thug and he said an announcement will be made later today, and he asked me to keep quiet about it for now.”

“As if we can be expected to keep quiet about a thing like that!” said her mother. “Murder! Aboard the Queen of the Seas! It’s unbelievable!”

“Do they have any idea who did it?” asked David Biles as he leaned closer to Chase.

“Not yet,” said Chase. “The investigation is ongoing, though, so for now all I can say is that your cooperation is much appreciated.”

“What cooperation?” asked Mrs. Biles, slightly taken aback by this statement.

“Don’t you see, Mama,” said her daughter. “We’re all suspects now. Isn’t that right, Mr. Chase?”

“Not suspects, necessarily,” Chase prevaricated. “Witnesses? Sure.”

“Witnesses? I didn’t see a thing,” said Mrs. Biles. “I was fast asleep when it happened.”

“Me neither,” said Adele. “I was sleeping the sleep of the dead—pardon the pun.”

“So you didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary last night?” asked Odelia, already in full investigative mode, in spite of the early hour and her lack of sleep.

“No, I’m afraid not,” said Adele. “I’m a sound sleeper, and once I fall asleep not even a cannon shot wakes me up.”

“It’s true,” said Mrs. Biles. “Adele even sleeps through her alarm clock more often than not.” She darted a censorious look in her subordinate’s direction, which to the carer was like water off a duck’s back, as she clearly didn’t give a damn what her employer thought.

“I didn’t hear anything either,” said Laura. “In fact I slept like a log, which surprised me, as usually I have trouble falling asleep when I’m on holiday.”

“It’s the boat,” said her mother. “I never sleep as soundly as I do on the water.”

“How about you, David?” asked Chase semi-casually, though he wasn’t fooling anyone. “Did you notice anything suspicious last night? Strange sounds, activities?”

“Not a thing, officer,” said David dutifully. “I slept great. I did take a sleeping pill, so maybe that had something to do with it. First night of the voyage I always do. So I’m afraid I simply passed out. But don’t they have cameras and that sort of thing? I thought I distinctly noticedone when we arrived on the ship. Several cameras, in fact.”

“They have cameras,” Odelia explained, “but not in the corridors and not in the cabins.”

“Privacy reasons,” Mrs. Biles knew. “They don’t want to film their guests undressing or taking a shower or doing whatever. This is not the Big Brother house, after all.”

“Did you see anything, Salvatore?” I asked our small Maltese friend.

“Not a thing,” Salvatore confessed. “I tend to curl up in a ball and go straight to sleep.”

“Your humans didn’t leave their cabin last night?”

He eyed me curiously.“Is this a trick question? It is, isn’t it?”

“Not a trick question at all,” I said. “Just routine stuff.”

“Well, since I slept in Laura’s cabin last night, I can only vouch for her. And as far as I know, she didn’t get up to any mischief last night. Though as I said, I’m a sound sleeper.”

“I hope they catch whoever did this soon,” said David. “It’s an awful feeling that this happened so close to our cabins.” He shivered visibly. “Which just goes to show: if you insist on displaying your extreme wealth there will always be people who decide they want to take it away from you. It almost makes me feel glad we’re not rich.”

“You can be rich, but you have to be discreet about it,” said his wife. “Not like Mr. Thug, who liked to flaunt his wealth for all to see. And now if you’ll excuse me,” she added, throwing down her napkin, “I think I’ll enjoy some of that early-morning sun on the upper deck. This whole thing has completely spoiled my appetite, I must say.”

Judging from the enormous amounts of food she’d managed to stow away, that statement wasn’t borne out by the facts. But then again, I understood what she meant. If a person is killed right next door, it kind of takes the joy out of a cruise vacation.

“You’re all so selfish,” suddenly Laura burst out. “All you can think about is you, you, you. But what about that poor Lil Thug? Such an incredible talent—an absolute genius—and now he’s gone. Just like that. What a waste—and what a terribly, terribly sad day!”

And with these words, she pushed back her chair and hurried off.

“You’ll have to forgive my daughter,” said Mrs. Biles. “She’s very high-strung.” She then gestured to Adele, who immediately got up and started maneuvering her employer away from the table and in the direction of the elevators. David brought up the rear.

And as we watched the Biles family stride off, Chase said,“What do you think? Were they telling the truth when they said they didn’t hear a thing last night?”

“I think so,” said Odelia. “They all seemed truthful to me. Besides, why would they want to do a horrible thing like that? It doesn’t seem feasible.”

“For the money,” Chase suggested. “You told me yourself that Mrs. Biles isn’t exactly swimming in money.”

Odelia glanced down at me, since I was the one who’d supplied her with that information, straight from the mouth of Salvatore.

“Yeah, but I really don’t see Mrs. Biles cutting a diamond from a man’s face,” she said.

“So how about David? What do we really know about him?”

“Not much,” Odelia admitted. “Which is why we probably have to find out more about the guy. In fact we have to find out more about every single one of them. Which might prove a little hard, as we’re aboard a boat.”

I’d already told her that I’d heard some noises in the night: voices and such. Nothing conclusive though, since it’s hard to link an anonymous voice to a crime. Still, it could have been the murderer—or murderers, plural. Suddenly Odelia’s phone sang out a pleasant tune, which may or may not have been belted out by Taylor Swift. “Oh, hey, Gran,” she said, as she held her phone aloft. “Yeah, we’re on deck right now, having breakfast.”

“What a life you lead,” said Gran. “So what’s all this I hear about a murder?”

“Lil Thug, the rapper I told you about, was murdered last night, and his diamond was stolen.”

“What do you mean, stolen? How can you steal a diamond when it’s glued to a guy’s face with Gorilla Glue?” Odelia arched a meaningful eyebrow, and we could hear a distinct gasp. “You mean they actually…”

Odelia nodded.

“No way!”

“Yep. Whoever killed him cut that diamond from his face. Pretty gruesome stuff.”

“You can say that again! So are you two involved in the case now or what?”

“Yeah. Garth Dagit, that’s the guy in charge of security, has asked us to help him conduct an investigation, since Chase is the only cop on board.”

“I don’t believe this. You’re supposed to be honeymooning, not crimebusting!”

“I know, but what can we do? We can’t just tell Garth to take a hike.”

“Of course you can.”

“No, we can’t. Besides, I want to know who’s responsible for this terrible crime, too. It happened right next to our cabin, you know.”

“Right next door,” Chase said.

“Oh, my God! That’s just terrible!”

“I know, right?”

“You know what you should do?”

“No, what?” said Odelia, frowning at her phone, and ready to receive some golden tip from Hampton Cove’s premier neighborhood watch commander.

“You should tell the captain that you’re going to help him solve this murder on one condition and one condition only: that he puts you up in his best suite, and agrees to comp your cabin and expenses. Oh, and your meals.”

“Oh, Gran,” said Odelia with a groan.

“It’s the least he can do!”

“No, we’re not going to do that.”

“You’re not getting paid to play detective, you know.”

“I know, but…”

“Next time you see the captain, you give me a ring and hand him your phone. Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ll arrange everything. Just you wait and see.”

“No, thanks.”

“Oh, you silly, silly child.”

“Why doesn’t Odelia want the captain to give her a better cabin, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Because she doesn’t want to be a nuisance,” I said. “And besides, all the cabins are taken, so even if he wanted to put them in a better cabin, he couldn’t do it.”

Also, it sounded a little iffy for Odelia and Chase to ask the captain to comp them their entire trip in exchange for their help in solving his murder. Unethical, if you see what I mean. Then again, ethics has never been Gran’s strong suit.

Suddenly Odelia placed the phone next to us on the floor. And as I glanced at the device, I recognized a familiar face staring back at us. It was none other than Kingman!

“Hey, Max,” said the big cat. “Hi, Dooley. What’s this I hear about you getting involved in some murder business?”

“Yeah, a murder was committed last night,” I told our friend. “Right next to us, in fact.”

“And you didn’t hear nothing? You’re starting to lose your touch, Max.”

“I heard something, but then one hears a lot of noise on a big boat like this.”

“I’ll bet you’ll catch the killer,” said Kingman, sounding a little resigned about it. “Look, I hate to say this, Max, but things around here aren’t the same without you.”

“Is that so?” I must admit these words buoyed me up to some extent. One likes to feel one is indispensable, does one not—and hey, I’m only feline, you know, not Supercat.

“Yeah, for one thing Vesta’s been making a real nuisance of herself again.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she seems to think she’s going to be some kind of influencer star or something, and has been snapping pictures for her Instagram and shooting videos for her YouTube channel.”

“So what kind of content is she posting?”

“Oh, this and that. I haven’t seen everything but mainly it’s beauty tips, and Vesta’s been going from store to store, asking to get clothes for free in exchange for posing with them on her YouTube and her Instagram.”

“Free clothes, huh?”

“Yeah, clothes and shoes and all kinds of accessories. Cosmetics, you name it.”

“And do these shops actually give her this stuff?”

“No, they don’t, which is why she’s annoyed. She claims the stores are sabotaging her attempt at greatness, and she’s not happy about it.”

“I think before you can go around asking for free stuff you first need to be famous,” I said.

“That’s what I keep telling her!” said Kingman. “But she claims it’s the other way around. First you get all kinds of free stuff and that’s how you get famous.”

“Oh, well,” I said. Gran’s shenanigans frankly paled in comparison with the murder of Lil Thug.

“You guys keep up the good work,” said Kingman, “and I’ll try to keep Vesta from floating off into space and getting entirely too cocky for her own good.” He produced a deep sigh. “It’s a tough job but now that you’re not here someone’s got to do it.”

And with these wise words, he signed off.

I glanced up at Odelia and said,“Please tell me that Garth is searching the cabins for that diamond? And that second earring?”

“Oh, you can bet your tiny tush he is,” said Odelia with a smile as she picked up her phone. “So maybe within the next hour we’ll know who’s responsible for the murder.”

“If that were true, this would be the shortest murder investigation in history,” I said.

Somehow, though, I doubted it would be so easy.

13

Garth Dagit had set up a series of interviews, and since Odelia wanted me and Dooley present, we were led into the man’s office, causing him to give us a look of surprise. But since he was basically a kindhearted man, he didn’t say a word when we settled in for the duration in the corner of his office and made ourselves comfortable.

I wished Odelia had brought along our litter boxes, but who was I to get prissy? We were there to do a job, and by golly we were going to do it. After all, dogs managed to restrain themselves for hours at a time, so we should be able to follow their example.

Much to my delight, Garth found it in his heart to place a bowl of water in front of us, so at least we wouldn’t be suffering from a parched throat. Like I said: a good man.

“So did you find anything?” asked Odelia.

“We didn’t find the diamond, and we didn’t find the matching earring, but we did find something of interest in the Ketterings’ cabin.” And he produced a clear plastic bag with some kind of white piece of cloth inside. There were red marks on the cloth, which would have aroused Garth’s suspicion.

“Let’s ask them when they come in.”

“Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, but I already interviewed the Bileses. They said they wanted to leave for the day, so I had them come in.”

“That’s all right. We talked to them at breakfast, didn’t we, Chase?”

Chase nodded as he studied the security man’s little office. It was pretty nondescript: several pictures of a nautical nature bedecked the walls, and one very large picture of Garth posing in front of a lighthouse, a big smile on his face.

“For the rest no dice,” said Garth sadly. “We searched all the cabins but so far nothing. I asked the cleaners to keep an eye out, but I’m not holding out much hope.”

“Do you trust your cleaners?”

“Oh, absolutely. If they find that stone, they’ll hand it over.”

“But if the stone isn’t in one of the cabins, then where is it?”

“No idea.”

“The killer must have hidden it where we wouldn’t find it,” said Chase as he thoughtfully rubbed his chin.

“But where?” asked Odelia. “If the stone was in one of those cabins you would have found it by now.”

“Unless the killer kept it on his or her person,” said Garth.

“Now that’s a distinct possibility,” Odelia agreed. “So do you have the authority to frisk these people?”

“I do,” Garth confirmed. “On the captain’s authority. But he told me to go easy on them and not treat them like suspects. They’re valued clients, and cruise line management doesn’t want to antagonize people.”

“They do understand that a man was murdered last night?”

“Of course, but they also know that we have two thousand paying customers on board, and they don’t want to ruin their vacation, or inconvenience them in any way.”

“It’s hard to fight crime with one hand tied behind your back,” said Chase, as he sympathetically clapped the other man on the shoulder.

They all took a seat behind the desk of the security officer, then a tap at the door sounded, and after Garth had bellowed,“Enter!” the influencer couple strode in, looking extremely uncomfortable. I almost hadn’t recognized them without their ubiquitous selfie sticks. Last night’s murder must have shaken them to a certain extent.

“Please take a seat,” said Garth kindly, gesturing to the chairs in front of his desk. “You know Chase Kingsley and Odelia Poole. They will assist me in carrying out an inquiry into the death of Lil Thug. Chase is a police officer, and Odelia a police consultant. Together I hope we’ll be able to shed some light on this terrible tragedy.”

“So what happened? Is it true that Lil Thug was murdered?” asked Oren nervously.

“I’m afraid he was. Murdered and robbed,” said Garth as he leaned forward and took in the twosome. “Now I’m going to ask you a couple of questions, and even though you don’t have to respond if you don’t want to, I think it’s in your best interest if you cooperate.”

“Of course,” said Oren. “What do you want to know?”

“First off, does this earring look familiar to you?” Garth held out the plastic baggie with the earring inside.

Both influencers shook their heads.“I don’t wear earrings,” said Chiquita.

“Me neither,” said Oren. “Also, it looks kinda cheap.”

Garth studied the earring with a frown.“It does?”

“Did you know Mr. Thug?” asked Chase.

“Not personally, if that’s what you mean,” said Oren. “I knew of him, of course. Everyone does.”

“We did have a quick chat with him yesterday,” said Chiquita. “I asked him if he wanted to feature in one of our videos.”

“He respectfully declined,” said Oren.

“Yeah, he said he was a great admirer of the kind of work we did, but didn’t feel comfortable featuring in videos destined to create a profit for us.”

“He then referred us to his manager,” said Oren ruefully.

“Which I guess is understandable.”

“Can you give us an idea of the activities you two engaged in last night?” asked Odelia.

“Well, we decided to go to bed early,” said Oren, “since Chiquita wasn’t feeling well.”

“I had a headache,” said Chiquita, “and since Oren didn’t want to stay out by himself, we got back pretty early.”

“How early?”

“Ten o’clock? Something like that.”

Garth consulted his notebook and nodded. Apparently the statement jibed with the footage he’d pulled from the camera at the entrance to the corridor.

“And then what did you do?”

“I took an ibuprofen and went straight to bed,” said Chiquita.

“And how about you, Mr. Vittle?” asked Garth.

“Well, I did the same,” said Oren. “Not the ibuprofen, but I got into bed at the same time. Took me a while to fall asleep, but when I did, I must say I slept like a log.”

“Same here,” said Chiquita. “And when I woke up this morning, my headache was gone—thank God.”

“You’re here to work?” asked Odelia.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” said Oren, nervously licking his lips. “We splashed out pretty big for this cruise, and we need to make it worth our while.”

“And how do you do that?”

“Well, we shoot videos and post them on our YouTube channelA Good Planet with Oren and Chiquita, and the more views we get, the more we get paid. So we try to make our videos as exciting and interesting as possible, to attract more followers.”

“Tough business model,” said Chase.

“Yeah, it can be pretty tough, but it beats sitting behind a desk crunching numbers.”

“I guess,” said Chase dubiously. Clearly he wasn’t a big fan of the influencer lifestyle.

“So how are you both settled, financially?” asked Garth. “Are you doing well, or… not so well?”

“Um…” Oren shared a look with Chiquita, and uttered an awkward laugh. “We’re doing very well, sir. In fact you could say business is booming. Isn’t that right, sweetie?”

“Oh, yeah. We’re making more money than we know what to do with right now.”

“That’s odd,” said Garth. “We talked to a witness this morning who overheard you two arguing yesterday. Something about financial problems? And about the way you don’t see eye to eye on what your goals are?”

“A witness?” said Oren, scooting forward on his chair. “What witness?”

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you. But this person overheard you two arguing about the nature of your business. Chiquita here wants to focus more on the environmental challenges our planet is facing, while you, Oren, you just want to make money, plain and simple. And the fact that you’re here onthis ship is a point of contention between the two of you, isn’t that right? Chiquita doesn’t feel entirely happy about this trip, which Oren more or less talked you into. Feel free to interrupt me, Oren—Chiquita?”

For a moment, neither influencer spoke. They both had that look on their faces of a person caught in a lie.“Look,” said Oren at length, “it’s true that we don’t always see eye to eye on everything. But that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Not see eye to eye?” Chiquita burst out. “You’re kidding, right?” She turned to Garth, her face flushed. “He wanted to save the planet… by going on a cruise! Can you imagine? Not exactly a low-impact, sustainable holiday, right? So I told him this was a terrible idea, and we’d get plenty of flak from our followers. And guess what? I was right—they hate the idea!”

“That’s not true.”

“Hate it and hate us right now! They accuse us of selling out, and I don’t blame them.”

“I think you’re exaggerating.”

“We already lost twenty thousand followers after that last video of you on that surf simulator. How are you going to save the planet by learning how to surf, Oren?!”

“We’ll find new followers—better ones!”

“Oh, come on. We’re a joke right now—you’re a joke.”

“Speak for yourself,” her partner grunted.

“What’s our main purpose, Oren? Why did we set up our vlog in the first place?”

“Well, to raise awareness for the plight of our planet through… through…”

“Through what? You have no idea, Oren! No clue!”

“Please let’s all try to stay calm,” said Garth, holding up his hands like a judge trying to quieten a courtroom. He probably wished he had a gavel right now.

“You’re destroying us, Oren! And you’re destroying the planet!”

“Oh? And how are you going to save the planet when we’re broke? Huh?”

“So you’re broke?” asked Odelia.

Both influencers looked up.“Um…” said Oren. “I wouldn’t say we’re broke, exactly.”

“We’re broke,” said Chiquita, folding her arms across her chest. “We spent our entire savings on this cruise, and if we don’t make some money it’ll be the end ofA Good Planet with Oren and Chiquita.” And judging from the angry glances she directed at her partner, it was safe to say it would also be the end of Oren and Chiquita as a couple.

“She doesn’t look happy, Max,” said Dooley.

“I think that’s because she’s disappointed in Oren, Dooley,” I said.

“Too bad. They should ask Odelia and Chase for some honeymooning tips. They could tell them that the trick is to kiss a lot.”

“I don’t think right now is the time to talk to these two about kissing a lot.”

“Okay,” said Garth. “So if you’re broke, a diamond worth twenty million would be your saving grace, am I right?”

The two influencers goggled at the security officer.

“You thinkwe did this?” asked Oren.

“You can’t be serious,” said Chiquita.

“It’s a lot of money,” said Garth.

Chiquita nodded.“I know it’s a lot of money, but we would never—”

“—ever—”

“—never do a thing like that.”

“You have to believe us, sir,” said Oren. “We’re notmurderers.”

“Or thieves.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if we searched you right now?” asked Garth. “And asked you to open that backpack?”

“No, of course not,” said Oren.

“Search away,” said Chiquita.

And as Odelia searched Chiquita, and Chase provided the same courtesy to Oren, they both came up empty-handed.

“They could have swallowed that stone,” said Dooley. “They could have swallowed it and could be monitoring their bowel movements, waiting until it pops out again.”

“If that’s the case,” I said as I marveled at the brilliance of his words, “we have no way of knowing, Dooley. And no way of catching them either.”

“Unless we check their poop.”

“I don’t think Garth is authorized to check his customers’ poop.”

“How long does it take for a diamond to make its way through the human digestive tract, Max?”

“Um… I’m sure I don’t know, Dooley. But I’m guessing not more than a day or two?”

“So? We simply lock all these people up for two days, monitor their bowel movements, and we’ll know. Easy!”

Somehow, though, I had a feeling the ship’s captain, or even the cruise line management, whoever they were, wouldn’t wholeheartedly embrace this idea.

14

Next up were Mrs. and Mr. Kettering, the parents of the girl with the kleptomaniac tendencies. The girl had joined her parents but wasn’t looking too happy at being interviewed over yet another incident, and this one even more serious than the last.

“I didn’t do it,” she stated straight out of the gate. “Whatever you say, I didn’t have nothing to do with this. I mean, seriously? Cutting a diamond out of a person’s head? You have to be seriously sick to pull a stunt like that.”

“Isn’t kleptomania a kind of disease, Max?” asked Dooley.

“I believe it is, Dooley, yes,” I said with a smile.

“Ruby is right, inspector,” said the girl’s mom. “She couldn’t have done it, since we all share the same cabin, and if she’d left in the middle of the night I would have noticed.”

Odelia was studying what looked like a floor plan of our corridor with the different cabins clearly marked.“So you’re in cabin thirty-two—a two-bedroom unit.”

“That’s right. And as you can clearly see, Ruby sleeps in the smallest of the two bedrooms, so if she would have left the cabin, she would have had to come through the main bedroom, and since I’m such a light sleeper, I would have heard her.”

“We searched your cabin this morning,” said Garth, “while you were having breakfast, and we found something in Ruby’s room.”

“You searched our cabin?” asked Charles Kettering, blinking rapidly. “But–but–but… is that even allowed?”

“Isn’t that against the law?” asked Cynthia Kettering.

“I can assure you that it’s perfectly legal,” said Garth, as he held up the plastic bag with the white cloth covered in some kind of red substance.

“Blood, Max!” Dooley cried. “Look, it’s blood! She did it! Ruby killed the rapper!”

“But… that’s my Chanel T-shirt,” said Mrs. Kettering.

“So you identify this T-shirt as belonging to you, Mrs. Kettering?” asked Garth.

“Yes, but… is that blood?” She turned to her daughter. “What did you do?!”

Ruby rolled her eyes.“Enough with the hysterics, Mom. My period started last night, and I couldn’t find my tampons so I grabbed the first thing I saw.”

“But that’s my best T-shirt!”

“So? Just put it in the wash.”

“It won’t come out! You ruined my best T-shirt!”

Garth cleared his throat.“So if we investigate this blood we won’t find that it belongs to Lil Thug?”

“Of course not. That’s my blood,” said Ruby. “And I think it’s pretty disgusting that you would go through my stuff and pick things out of the trash like that.”

“The trash!” Mrs. Kettering screamed. “You threw my Chanel T-shirt in the trash?!”

Ruby shrugged.“Like you said, it’s probably ruined now, right?”

Cynthia Kettering pressed her lips together and turned to her husband.“You say something, Charles.”

Mr. Kettering looked a little uncomfortable.“What am I supposed to say?”

“Anything!”

“You can’t take your mom’s best T-shirt and use it as a… um, well… a, um…”

“Tampon?” Ruby suggested with a slight grin.

“Exactly.”

Ruby now reached out and grabbed the plastic bag from Garth’s hands, then handed it to her mom. “Here you go, Mom. Now you can wash it and be happy.”

“Hey, you can’t take that,” said Garth. “That’s evidence.”

“Try baking soda,” said Odelia. “And let it soak for a while.”

“Baking soda?” asked Mrs. Kettering hopefully.

“Can I have that bag back now please?” asked Garth.

“Yeah, don’t wash it before the stain is gone,” said Odelia. “Or it’ll never come out.”

“You think I can save my T-shirt?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“Can I please have that bag now?” asked Garth.

“I’ll give it a try,” said Mrs. Kettering gratefully. “Thanks for the tip.”

“Hey, that’s evidence!” Garth cried, raising his voice.

“That’s not evidence, that’s my best T-shirt,” said Cynthia Kettering.

“Look, are you going to arrest me or what?” said Ruby.

“Nobody is arresting anybody,” said Chase soothingly.

“Look, I didn’t kill the guy, okay? So sometimes I steal stuff—big deal!”

“It is a big deal,” said Odelia. “Especially to the people you steal from.”

“Look, we’re going off track here,” said Garth. “You, Mr. Kettering.”

Mr. Kettering looked up with a jerk.“Me?”

“Yes, you. Did you hear your daughter leaving the cabin last night?”

“No, I didn’t, detective. I didn’t hear anything.”

“Now you wouldn’t be covering for your daughter, would you?”

“Covering for my daughter? No, of course not. I wouldn’t do a thing like that.”

“Or you, Mrs. Kettering?”

But Mrs. Kettering had her mind on other matters. She was still studying at her precious T-shirt.“I hope to God they’ve got baking soda on this damn boat.”

Garth changed tack.“So did you notice anything else last night? Anything out of the ordinary?”

“Nothing,” Mr. Kettering murmured. “Slept like a baby.”

“Are you a deep sleeper, Mrs. Kettering?”

“Oh, no,” said Mrs. Kettering. “I wake up from the least little thing.”

“And you didn’t hear anything out of the ordinary last night?”

“No, I most certainly did not.”

Garth consulted the floor plan.“So you’re across the corridor from…”

“From us,” Odelia supplied helpfully.

“And you didn’t hear anyone pass by your cabin last night? No voices in the corridor? No screams? Nothing?”

“No, sir,” said Mrs. Kettering.

“And how about you, Miss Kettering?”

“What about me?” asked Ruby, looking bored.

“You didn’t hear anything last night? Footsteps? Strange noises? People talking?”

“Nope.”

“Ruby likes to sleep with her headphones on,” said her mother. “She likes to listen to music.”

“Not Lil Thug,” said Ruby with a wicked grin. “That’s for old people.”

“Lil Thug is for old people?” asked Odelia.

“Sure. You know he’s older than my parents, right?”

“I hadn’t realized.”

“Botox. Can we go now?”

“One moment, Miss Kettering,” said Garth, once more producing the earring. “Does this look familiar to you?”

Three Ketterings stared at the earring, then shook their heads.“What is it?” asked Ruby.

“It looks like an earring,” said her dad.

“I know it’s an earring, Dad, but whose is it, and what does it have to do with anything?”

“That’s what I’d like to find out,” said Garth, a little grim-faced as he tucked the earring back into his desk drawer.

And as the Ketterings left the office, Dooley said,“I don’t think she did it, Max. Her mom would have heard her.”

“What if her mom did hear her, but was lying just now?”

“But why would she do that?”

“Because she doesn’t want her daughter to languish in some prison cell?”

“Oh.” He thought about this for a moment. “It’s possible,” he admitted. “But would a kleptomaniac commit murder?”

“That’s the big question,” I said, “And one Odelia and Chase will need to figure out.”

15

“Okay, so basically we have… nine suspects,” said Garth.

“Eleven if you include us,” Odelia pointed out.

“Yeah, but like I said before, I’m not including you.”

“That’s very nice of him, Max,” said Dooley.

“Very nice indeed,” I said. “Though if Odelia and Chase had killed Lil Thug we would have noticed, so…”

Of course if they had killed the rapper, and we had noticed, we wouldn’t have been able to tell Garth, since the man didn’t speak our language. Then again, it simply stood to reason Odelia and Chase were innocent. Honeymooners engaging in such a heinous crime? They’d have to be crazy to do such a thing.

“Dooley had a great idea,” I said. “What if the killer swallowed the diamond?”

“What if the killer swallowed the diamond?” Odelia immediately echoed. “That way you’d never be able to find it.”

“Until it came out the other end,” Chase added, nodding.

“At which point they’d have to hide it someplace else,” said Garth. “But how to deal with that contingency? There’s no way. No, I think we need to look at motive, and as far as I’m concerned Chiquita and Oren have the best one: they admitted they’re completely broke, and if they can’t find some money soon they’ll have to drop the nice influencer lifestyle and find regular jobs, which I have a feeling won’t sit well with them.”

“What about Ruby?” Chase suggested. “She can’t stop stealing. So maybe she tried to steal the guy’s diamond and he woke up and so she panicked and stabbed him.”

“I don’t buy it,” said Garth, shaking his head. “She may be a kleptomaniac but she’s not crazy enough to try to steal a diamond from a person’s face.”

“Okay, so how about the Biles family?” said Odelia. “Mrs. Biles has financial problems, and so maybe she sent her husband to kill Lil Thug and grab that diamond.”

“Possible. But why take such a risk if her daughter is able to bail her out financially? I mean, if Laura Matz is able to pay for this cruise, she must have money.”

“And willing to spend it on her mom,” Chase added.

“Still, I wouldn’t exclude them from our investigation,” said Odelia.

“Okay,” said Garth, placing his hands on his desk. “So we have our influencers and the Biles family to take a closer look at. I’ll get in touch with local police, and see if they can’t tell us more.” He smiled at his assistants. “I can’t thank you enough. It’s very unusual for me to be dealing with a violent crime like this. Usually it’s people stealing stuff, or getting rowdy and handsy when they’ve had too much to drink.”

“You’ve never dealt with murder before?” asked Odelia.

“Never,” said Garth. “And I’ve been doing this for fifteen years now.”

“So what happens now?” asked Chase.

“Now I’ll talk to the captain and see what he has to say.” He checked his watch. “We’ll be arriving in Kingstown soon, and I’ll have to brief the local authorities there.”

“I thought that since the crime happened in international waters the Barbados authorities were in charge?”

“Yeah, they are, but I have to hand the body of Mr. Thug over to the authorities in the next port so his family can start making the necessary arrangements for his funeral.”

“How about the postmortem?” asked Chase.

“Yeah, that, too,” said Garth, indicating this really was a first for him.

“Better talk to the captain,” said Chase, “and management. And if you need us, just say the word, buddy.”

“Thanks, Chase. I just hope we can wrap this up as soon as possible.”

We walked out of the office and into the bright morning sunshine and immediately my mood lifted, and so, I could tell, did Odelia and Chase’s. This wasn’t exactly what they’d bargained for when they signed up for this cruise. If they wanted to solve crime they could just as well have stayed home.

“So what’s on the schedule for today?” asked Odelia as we strode along the deck in the direction of the stairs.

“You heard Garth. Kingstown,” said Chase.

“Do you think it’s all right if we leave the ship?”

“Of course. If Garth needs us he’ll give us a holler. And babe, it’s not as if this is our investigation. We’re just along for the ride on this one.”

“Which makes for a nice change,” said Odelia with a smile.

And just as we were about to head up to find our own deck, a sharp voice halted our progress and the captain came striding up. He looked eager to have speech with us—or at least with our humans.

“I wanted to thank you for all that you’re doing,” he said, as he pressed Chase’s hand warmly, then grabbed Odelia’s hands and shook them vigorously. “Garth told me you’re assisting him, and I can tell you he’s thanking his lucky stars for such good fortune.”

“Just doing what we can, sir,” said Chase.

“And honeymooners, too, so I’ve been told?”

“Yes, sir, this is our honeymoon,” said Odelia.

“I’m so sorry you had to be faced with such a terrible ordeal.”

“That’s all right,” said Chase.

And as the three of them chatted, I noticed that two familiar faces had settled on a bench nearby, and decided to wander over and see what they were up to. They were David Biles and Laura Matz.

“Where are you going, Max?” asked Dooley as he toddled along.

“Just curious what those two have to say,” I said as we both snuck up on that bench and surreptitiously disappeared underneath.

“We can’t keep doing this, David,” said Laura. “If Mama finds out she’ll kill us.”

“She won’t find out,” David said soothingly. He’d clasped the young woman’s hands in his and to all intents and purposes they were looking more like a couple in love than stepfather and stepdaughter.

“We simply must tell her,” said Laura.

“But we can’t. If we do, she’ll be devastated.”

“But we love each other,” said Laura with a pleading note to her voice. “How much longer can we keep up this pretense?”

“I know. I feel exactly the same way. I love you, Laura. My heart yearns for you, and seeing you and not being able to be with you—it eats me up inside.”

“If only you weren’t married to Mama. Oh, life is so unfair sometimes.”

“I know. If only I’d met you before I met your mother…”

“You think you would have fallen in love with me right from the start?”

“I did fall in love with you right from the start, didn’t I?”

“As did I,” said Laura softly.

There was the unmistakable sound of gentle smooching, and as I briefly ducked my head from under that bench I detected some heavy kissing activity.

Yikes.

“What’s happening, Max?” asked Dooley once I’d retracted my head again.

“Um… looks like David and Laura are in love,” I said. “And they’re not afraid to show it.” At least where Mrs. Biles wouldn’t see it. Good thing these cruise ships consist of many nooks and crannies—perfect to conduct these illegitimate love affairs.

“But… isn’t David Laura’s dad?”

“Technically… not, I would say. He’s married to her mother but he’s not her dad.”

“So who is her dad?”

“Well, the guy who fell off a yacht in the South of France and drowned, remember?”

“Oh, of course. Jason Bourne.”

Just then, Salvatore decided to join us. The teacup Maltese had gone for a little walk on his own and now returned. And as he came tripping up to us, he said,“So now you know.”

“Now we know what?” I asked, feigning ignorance.

“Don’t offend my intelligence, Max. Now you know that Laura and David are an item.”

“Why didn’t you tell us before?”

“Not my place to tell. They’re in love, but they can’t be together. It’s all very sad.”

“But they are together,” said Dooley. “They’re together right now.”

“Yeah, but not really. They can’t be together the way your Odelia and Chase are together.”

“But why not?”

“Because David is married to Laura’s mom, that’s why.”

“Oh, right,” said Dooley. “It’s all very complicated, isn’t it?”

“Look, if they really want to be together, all they need to do is break the news to Mrs. Biles,” I said. “I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“That’s what you think,” said Salvatore, shaking his head. “Bertha will go ballistic. The woman is crazy about her husband, and if she finds out he’s been cheating on her with her own daughter?”

“She’ll blow her top,” I supplied. “Yeah, I guess you’re probably right.”

“Of course I’m right.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Since the day Bertha and David got married. I walk into the room where they store the wedding presents and saw them at it.”

“Bertha and David?”

“Laura and David. They looked more in love than any couple I’ve ever seen, including Bertha and David before he met the daughter.”

“He hadn’t met Laura before the wedding?”

“Nope. Laura lived in San Francisco at the time, and David and Bertha’s affair was one of those whirlwind romances. Laura only got to know the groom at the wedding.”

“Looks like she got to know him pretty well,” I said as we listened to more kissing sounds.

Salvatore heaved a sigh.“So sad.”

“I still think they should tell Bertha. It’s not fair, all this sneaking around behind her back.”