Purrfectly Deadly

Chapter 12

A foot pursuit was even harder than a car chase, she discovered. The guy might be a little portly, but he was in great shape. In fact he was in much better shape than she was. She probably should have bought that elliptical trainer. She’d only run a couple hundred feet before a shooting pain attacked her spleen, or whatever organ was acting up. But thinking about how this asshole had sold GHB to her grandmother gave her the fuel to keep going.

“Hold it right there!” she yelled as the guy jumped over a Poodle on a leash and then veered right between two shops. “I just wanna talk to you!”

That wasn’t necessarily true, of course. Well, she did want to talk to him, but she also wanted to slam his head against the pavement until he promised never to sell drugs to senior citizens again, or anyone else for that matter. Not that he would listen. Guys like that never listened. You had to lock them up.

She also hung a hard right and found herself hurtling down a narrow alley that opened up into a wider lane. She halted, hands on knees, panting heavily, and checked left and right. In every direction she was looking into the backyards of the houses on the next street, all neatly divided by hedges or fences. And the drug dealer, who clearly wasn’t a customer of his own junk, was now vaulting over the fences like a regular steeplechaser!

She wiped the sweat from her brow and with a groan continued her pursuit. She wanted to say she was too old for this shit, but that wasn’t true. She was simply not trained for this shit. And as she climbed the first fence, she hoped Gran hadn’t taken an overdose of that horrible drug. If she had, she’d never forgive dealer guy. Instead of gracefully hopping over the fence like a member of SEAL Team Six, she dropped down into the yard, her jeans ripping when they caught on a rusty nail. And as she tumbled down, she crashed right into a barbecue set, which, luckily for her, wasn’t switched on.

A couple, sitting on the deck, stared at her. “Is this for a contest?” asked the woman.

“I think it’s for one of them reality shows,” said her husband.

“It’s neither,” she said, scrambling to her feet. “I’m chasing a drug dealer.”

“Oh. Right,” said the woman, as if that made perfect sense.

“You go get him, honey,” said the man.

“I will, if I survive,” she said between two gasps.

She climbed the next fence, and thought that at this rate she would never get her man. But then, to her great surprise, she saw that she’d gotten her man already. He was lying sprawled on the lawn of the next family’s garden, cursing loudly and nursing an injured shin as he rolled on his back. Apparently, when landing, he’d knocked his shin on the toy plastic castle that took up a big part of the garden. The two kids who’d been playing with the castle were staring at the man who’d suddenly interrupted their garden party, and then set off into the house, wailing loudly for their mommy.

Odelia pounced on the guy and pressed him face down into the grass. She would have loved to cuff him, but since she wasn’t a cop she couldn’t. She now wondered if it wouldn’t be a good idea to ask Uncle Alec to deputize her, seeing as she was doing more work than the regular cops anyway.

But then her eye fell on a brightly green skipping rope, and she figured it would do. So she quickly and expertly tied the guy’s hands.

“You have the right to remain silent,” she began.

“What the hell are you doing?” he cursed, spitting out a few blades of grass. “You’re not a cop! You can’t make an arrest!”

“It’s called a citizen’s arrest, bozo,” she said, and shoved his face into the grass again. “And shut up! You just tried to kill my grandmother!”

He lifted his face. “I didn’t kill her!” he grunted. “I gave her a watered down vial of liquid G. She’ll just be very happy for the next couple of hours.”

“Still, you shouldn’t sell that junk to people.”

“Look, lady, I’m just trying to make a living here. So back off, all right?”

This lame excuse set her teeth on edge. “Is it true you were trying to muscle in on Orville Haggis’s territory, yes or no?”

“Sure! That loser thinks he’s the only one who can sell stuff in this town, and I’m here to show him he’s wrong. You can’t stifle competition! That’s just plain wrong. What’s more, it’s un-American!”

“What’s un-American is killing people. You killed John Paul George, didn’t you? And then tried to pin it on Orville, getting rid of him altogether.”

“What?! You’re crazy! Why would I do that? Johnny signed up with me. He said my stuff was better quality, and a lot cheaper, too. I made the deal last week. This time next month I was taking over as Johnny’s official supplier of G. If I killed him I’d be killing the goose with the golden eggs! Especially since he said he was going to recommend me to all of his friends.”

Just then, an elephant came crashing through the brush, but when Odelia looked up, she saw it wasn’t an elephant but Chase Kingsley, and he looked as winded and red-faced as she was.

“Another one!” he cried when he caught sight of her. “You caught another drug dealer?!”

“Yup, I caught him for you and now he’s all yours.”

He threw up his hands in a gesture of exasperation. “What kind of town is this? This is worse than New York!”

After catching his breath, he hoisted this new guy up and outfitted him with a nice pair of gleaming handcuffs to replace the skipping rope. And as Chase led the guy away, through the house this time, past the astonished gazes of the couple who lived there, she told him what the dealer had told her.

“So Orville is in the picture again, huh?”

“Looks like. If this guy was taking over his clients, Orville might have taken it hard and decided to send Johnny a parting gift in the form of a poisoned vial. Take him out once and for all and pin the murder on this guy.”

“Good work,” Chase grunted. “Again.”

“How is my grandmother?”

“I’ve never seen her happier. When I left she was singing the national anthem at the top of her voice, demanding that some store clerk hoist her up to the store roof and let her fly like Lady Gaga at the Super Bowl.”

“See?” asked the dealer. “A little happy juice goes a long way!”

“You’re going to look a lot less happy when I’m through with you,” grunted Chase, giving the guy a shove.

And as they took the turn to the main road, they were getting a lot of attention, people up and down the street staring at the small procession of three: the drug dealer, the burly cop and the svelte blond reporter.

“You know, at this rate Uncle Alec is going to have to deputize me,” Odelia said. “I’ve taken down more bad guys than all you cops combined.”

“Don’t even think about it,” growled Chase. “You’re not a cop and you should stop acting like one. You’re just putting yourself in danger.”

“I could be a cop. I obviously have mad skills.”

“Uh-uh,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s bad enough I keep tripping over you everywhere I turn. I don’t want you chasing people and arresting them.”

“Still, it’s definitely something to consider.”

“Nah-ah. Never.”

“You have to admit she’d make a great cop, though,” the drug dealer said. “And a pretty one, too. We don’t have a lot of pretty cops in this town.”

“If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it,” grunted Chase.

They’d arrived at the dealer’s car, where now Chase’s pickup stood, the police light flashing on the roof. Gran was seated inside the trunk of the car, her tush firmly planted amongst the drug paraphernalia the guy sold, and she had a happy grin on her face, her eyes a little misty. Mom was by her side, eyeing Odelia critically. “What did you give her? She’s acting all weird.”

“Me? I didn’t give her anything!” cried Odelia. “She bought this stuff!”

“This is some good shit right here,” Gran croaked, and cackled loudly.

“Oh, God,” said Mom. “We better take her to see your father.”

Five minutes later, Chase dropped the three of them off at the doctor’s office, while he rode on to the police station to process the dealer.

“Don’t forget about dinner, Chase!” Mom said before he rode off. “Odelia is baking a great chocolate cake, aren’t you, Odelia?”

Yes, that was the most important thing right now: chocolate cake.

But Chase surprised her by yelling back, “I’m looking forward to it, Marge.”

The day was turning out a little weird, she felt, what with the murder and drug dealer number one and drug dealer number two and now Gran’s surprise love for GHB. She just hoped that the rest of the day would be less eventful, and that amongst the people Chase had arrested, at least one would turn out to be the killer. By the law of averages, that had to be so, right?