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She decided to take another turn down the street, and teetered off on her high heels.

And just when I thought this stakeout was a bust, a car came careening down the street, and stopped right in front of us. Libby Elk came hopping out, followed by Jonah Zappa. They both joined us, totally giving away our position.

“Did we miss it?” Libby asked eagerly. “Did we miss the zombie?”

Chase emerged from his bush, looking annoyed.“Didn’t I tell you to stay away, you two? This is a police operation, and you are potentially scaring off a suspect right now.”

“I’m so sorry!” said Libby. “We’ll hide in the bushes, just like you.”

Chase returned to his bush, and Libby and Jonah occupied bush number three.

“So what’s happening?” asked Libby, sounding excited about the prospect of witnessing a live zombie arrest.

“Nothing so far,” said Uncle Alec. “And shouldn’t you be filming my mom right now?”

“We have been filming your mom, but frankly it’s getting a little tedious. I mean, she’s already told us the story of her life. Twice. And we just thought we could combine two documentaries, one for Doctor Clam’s clinic, and one about your zombies.”

“So you guys work for this Doctor Clam?” asked Chase.

“No, we’re both freelancers.”

“We set up our own shop last year,” said Jonah. “Before that, we worked for WLBC-9, but we got tired of waiting for better opportunities and better pay to come our way, so we decided to go into business for ourselves.”

“So Doctor Clam is a client of yours,” said Chase.

“Yeah, and a well-paying one, too.”

“It’s just that the subject matter is a little icky,” Libby confessed. “He’s made pushing back against the limits of nature his life’s work. Only… I’m not entirely sure it’s such a good idea for a woman of sixty or seventy to have a baby. By the time that baby is a teenager, his mom will be a very old lady.”

“You shouldn’t mess with nature is what I think,” said Jonah. “Just look at these zombies. That’s what you get when you start monkeying around with mother nature.”

“You guys!” suddenly Odelia loud-whispered. “He’s here! The zombie is here!”

We all glanced over, and I saw that she was right: the zombie had arrived, and was lumbering in her direction! And not only that, he had brought a friend!

Chapter 13

Even though the whole plan had been her idea, Odelia wasn’t feeling entirely sure about its execution. It’s one thing to devise a plan, but another to actually put yourself in harm’s way. Besides, she was distinctly uncomfortable in her skimpy outfit. Even though Chase thought it was fantastic, and had already told her he hoped she’d wear it moreoften, she was feeling more than a little exposed. Especially when men were leaning out of their car windows to gawk at her. Lucky for her traffic was low this time of night.

And then there was the addition of Libby and Jonah, who no doubt were filming the whole thing. She had no idea what they hoped to accomplish but she did know she would hate to see herself on YouTube wearing these clothes.

And she’d just passed the bushes where her back-up team was ensconced, when suddenly she became aware of someone watching her. And when she abruptly turned, she discovered she was face to face with not one but two zombies!

They were leering, licking their lips, and stretching their arms in her direction!

She gulped, but instead of receiving the assistance she needed, exactly no one was jumping out of those bushes to apprehend those two zombies!

“Um, you guys,” she said, raising her voice. “I could use some help here!”

The two zombies were grinning, their dead eyes flashing with delight.

She yelled a startled cry, and then teetered in the other direction. Their fingers twitching, they lumbered after her, moving a lot faster than she had anticipated.

She’d always thought zombies were slow, but these dudes were fast!

They absolutely looked the part, though: their faces were covered with open sores, their skin was veiny and almost translucent, peeling in places, and their hands were clawing the air like nobody’s business. Yup. Zombies. Actual reallive zombies!

So she sped up, and was now drawing even with Chase and Alec’s bushes again.

“Guys!” she said. “Now would be a good time!”

And as one man, the two cops finally sprang from their hiding place and accosted the zombies, who were completely taken by surprise. But instead of complying, one of the zombies hauled off and smacked Chase on the nose, while the other kicked Alec’s shin.

Chase reeled back, and Uncle Alec danced a one-legged jig. The upshot was that when Odelia looked up, the two zombies were gone! Vanished into thin air, like a pair of ghosts.

“I’ll be damned,” said Libby as she, too, emerged from her bush. “Did you see that?”

“Yes, I saw that, Libby,” said Odelia, disappointed by this mission failure.

“Where are they?” asked Chase, sufficiently recovered to ask a pertinent question.

“They went that way,” said Jonah, his camera still pointing in the direction the zombies had disappeared. He now swung it right into Odelia’s face. She pushed it away. She was not in the mood for cameras being directed anywhere near her person.

She looked in the direction indicated, but there was no sign of the zombies.

“Can you walk?” asked Chase in a nasally voice and still clutching his nose.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Odelia’s uncle, looking both annoyed and embarrassed.

“Chase, you’re bleeding!” said Odelia, who only now noticed that her boyfriend had blood all over his face and shirt.

“It’s fine,” he said. “I don’t think it’s broken.”

“Why didn’t you give chase?” asked Uncle Alec.

“With these shoes?” she said.

“Well, you have to admit the plan worked,” said Chase, holding a tissue to his bleeding and damaged snout. “Pamela got one zombie, you got two.”

“And we got the whole thing on tape!” said Libby triumphantly. “So if you post this, we can prove that what the Chief and this Pamela Witherspoon person said was true: There are zombies in Hampton Cove, and they’re attacking innocent women at night!”

“Now if only we could catch them,” said Alec. He’d lost his beard somehow.

“Hey, weirdo!” a man driving past yelled. “Got lost on your way to the North Pole?”

A Coke can came sailing in Uncle Alec’s direction and hit him right in the chest. Coke splashed everywhere, ruining his nice Santa suit.

“Hey!” he shouted, but the guy was already gone, the car speeding up and turning a corner, tires screeching. “No respect,” he muttered as he wiped the Coke from his suit.

Odelia sighed.“Well, I guess we better call it a night, you guys.” She glanced down, expecting to see Max and Brutus. She frowned. “Where are my cats?”

“Oh, I think they went after the zombies,” said Libby now.

“What?”

“Yeah, I saw them chase the zombies.”

This night just kept getting better and better. Not!

Chapter 14

The moment those zombies started running, Brutus gave me a poke in the ribs, and yelled,“Let’s go, go, go!” and then we were running, too.

Unfortunately cats aren’t really built for marathons, more for sprints, and so by the time we came to the end of the street, I was completely exhausted. Brutus, who’s more fit than I am, was still going well. Though, he, too, was clearly feeling the strain.

Lucky for us, the zombies must have experienced the same thing, for they had slowed down, and were now lumbering like before, arms outstretched, and staggering along the street. And then they disappeared into the park.

“Let’s follow them at a distance,” Brutus suggested.

“I thought you wanted to smash their brains in with your secret weapon?” I said.

“Okay. I might as well tell you now. I had actually planned to jump on top of the zombie’s head and dig my claws into his temples, penetrating his brain and rendering it useless. At that point the zombie would simply fall to the ground. Only I hadn’t counted on there being two zombies insteadof just the one. It kinda ruined my super plan.”

“I don’t think you can actually reach into a person’s brains by digging your claws into their temples, though,” I said. “Your claws are too short to reach optimum penetration.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he said. “I guess I need bigger claws.”

“You could try by simply digging your claws into their eyes,” I suggested. “That way they won’t see where they’re going, and will be a lot easier to catch.”

“Humans tend to protect their eyes, though,” he said. “So that might not work either.”

I had to admit Brutus was making a lot of sense when he talked zombie-fighting strategy like this. Then again, brute force is his hallmark.

“So what do you think about Grandma Muffin having another baby?” I asked.

“I don’t like it, Max,” he confessed. “It’s going to create a lot of trouble for everyone involved. First off, Gran may think she’s as fit as a twenty-five-year-old but she’s not, so who’s going to end up having to take care of that baby? Marge and Tex. And I don’t think that’s fair on them.”

I stared at the cat. Often I see Brutus as an airhead bully, but today he was on fire.

“I agree with you wholeheartedly,” I said therefore.

“Yeah, and also, that baby is going to attract a lot of attention. In fact that baby will soak up attention like a sponge. And where will that leave us? They’ll neglect us, Max.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Though I’m sure Odelia would never let it come to that.”

“Oh, yes, she will. Just you wait and see. Once that baby is born, they’ll forget we even exist, and then we’ll go days without having our food bowls replenished, our litter boxes cleaned out, and even for our water bowls to be filled with fresh water from the tap. We’ll be fending for ourselves, Max, and I’m not sure I like that particular prospect.”

I hadn’t really thought about it that way, but I could see he had a point. Between work and taking care of a baby, our humans’ attention would be on the baby, not cats.

Not a fun prospect!

We’d ventured deeply into the park by then, the zombies still lumbering on, with no obvious destination in mind.

“I wonder where they’re going,” I said.

“Maybe back to the graveyard?” said Brutus. “That’s where zombies live, you know.”

“I’m sure these are not really zombies. They’re simply two men who look like zombies. Either they’re dressed up as the walking dead, or they’re really sick people.”

Brutus considered this, then said,“Nah. They’re zombies and they need their heads bashed in.”

We were crawling through the undergrowth and the zombies were making a beeline for the beach. Hampton Cove park isn’t all that far from the beach, and judging from the way they were going, they were looking to go for a nice refreshing swim.

“I hope they’re not going in the water,” said Brutus, following the same line of thought. “I can’t swim.”

“Neither can I,” I admitted.

We were out of the park now, and had arrived on the boardwalk, but instead of stopping to take in the sights, the zombies staggered down onto the beach proper and moved in the direction of the ocean, whose waves were gently lapping the sandy beach.

We were still following along, though with less and less enthusiasm.

“They’re going in, Max,” said Brutus. “They’re going to take a swim!”

And so they were. Both zombies had reached the waterline and stumbled in, the water soon reaching their knees and still they weren’t stopping.

Brutus and I had stopped short of getting our paws wet, though. We’re all for accomplishing our missions, but we draw the line at getting wet.

So we watched on as both zombies waded out farther and farther, and soon were lost from view.

“Do you think they’ll drown?” I asked.

“Moot point, Max. Zombies are already dead.”

“Touch?.”

And as we started the long trek back to the park, I glanced over my shoulder. The full moon cast its pale light across a peaceful ocean, but of the two zombies there was no trace. They’d been swallowed up by the waves.

And this mystery had just become a little mysteriouser.

Chapter 15

Later that night, when Odelia had finally returned home, she and the others were greeted by an irate Grandma Muffin, standing out on the porch.

“You took my camera crew!” the old lady cried, shaking her balled fist. “That’s my camera crew and you took em!”

“Um, actually we volunteered,” said Libby. “We couldn’t resist filming a zombie, and we did!”

“Two zombies,” said Jonah, holding up two fingers in case his meaning wasn’t clear.

“Who cares about some stupid zombies! You have to be here, with me, all the time! That was the deal!”

“But you’re not even pregnant yet,” said Libby. “There’s exactly nothing to film.”

“Nothing to film? You have to film me!”

Libby gave her a confused smile. Clearly she wasn’t all that happy with her assignment. “We can’t film you all the time, Vesta. That’s not how it works. We outline certain key scenes, and we film those.”

“Yeah, if we have to film you every minute of every day, we’re going to have a lot of wasted footage,” Jonah agreed.

“Wasted footage? How dare you talk about my life as wasted footage! Every minute of every day is an important minute, and a minute people at home will want to watch!”

“People at home? We’re filming a promo video for Clam’s clinic,” said Libby. “The only people who’ll see this video are Doctor Clam’s prospective clients.”

“Wait, what? I thought this was a reality show,” said Gran, looking even more dismayed now. “Like the Kardashians? Only about the Pooles, and most importantly, about me!”

“No, this is definitely not a reality show,” said Libby. “And even if it was, they don’t film the Kardashians all the time. That show is scripted, like all reality shows are.”

Jonah nodded.“It’s a common misconception. People think everything they see actually happened, but it’s all scripted and staged, just like a TV show or a movie.”

“What? No!” said Gran, looking absolutely appalled. “It’s all real. We’re all flies on the wall while those lovely Kardashians lead their lovely perfect lives in sunny California.”

“That’s not how it works,” said Jonah. “And like we said, this is not a reality show.”

“Yeah, this is not Keeping Up With The Pooles,” said Libby.

Gran’s shoulders slumped. She looked as if the wind had been knocked out of her. “No way,” she said. “You cheated me. You told me…”

“I’m going to bed,” said Jonah, yawning.

“Yeah, me too,” said Libby. “I’m beat. I didn’t know hunting zombies was so tiring.”

And both disappeared into the house next door. Now it was just Odelia and Gran. Odelia felt for her grandmother. Even though she still thought the whole pregnancy thing was a crazy idea, it was obvious the old lady was very attached to the scheme.

“They’re still filming you, Gran,” she said. “And they’re still making a video about you. And you’re still having a baby. Isn’t that the most important thing of all?”

“Yeah, but what good is having a baby if nobody is going to see it on prime time television?” She shrugged. “But like you said, I’ll still have the tot. I guess I can parade her up and down Main Street for the entire town to see. Oldest mom in the world.”

And then she walked in and closed the door.

Odelia decided it was time for her to hit the hay as well. She was still a little worried about her cats, but figured they’d be fine. They always landed on their feet, and she had no reason to think that this time would be different. She just hoped they hadn’t actually tried to catch those zombies all by themselves.

When she walked into the kitchen she found Chase waiting there for her with two cups of hot milk. He handed her one.

She smiled as she took it.“Thanks,” she said. “I needed that.”

“So what do you think of that footage?”

Jonah had shown them some of the footage he’d shot of the zombies, but she didn’t know what to make of it. “They could be actors and this whole thing could be a hoax,” she said as she took a seat at the kitchen counter.

“Yeah, but why go to all this trouble, attacking people on the street?”

“Did you recognize them?”

“Nope. You?”

She shook her head. Of course it would be very hard to recognize anyone. The zombies’ faces looked really ravaged and beyond any recognition.

“They didn’t ring any bells with your uncle either.”

“I wonder, though, Chase. Could they be… real zombies?”

He laughed.“Not you, too, babe. There’s no such thing as zombies.”

“Yeah, I know, but they looked so real. And so scary.”

“I think these are two very confused men, suffering from some horrible, disfiguring disease, and hopefully for them we’ll catch them soon, so we can take them to a hospital.”

“My boyfriend. Always the voice of reason,” she said as she smiled up at him.

“There’s no other explanation that makes sense,” he said, and leaned in to give her a kiss. “I’m bushed. I’m turning in.”

“Me, too,” she said. “Have our guests gone up already?”

“Yeah. Lucky for them we didn’t throw out that spare mattress.”

They’d recently turned the guest bedroom into a home gym slash office, but had kept a mattress just in case Gran fell out with Mom and Dad again and decided to bunk at her granddaughter’s place.

“I’m glad Jonah managed to get those zombies on tape,” said Chase, getting up. “If you post that video on theGazette website, all this nonsense about Alec will finally stop.”

“I hope so. Gossip is tricky, though. It might find a way to explain away the video.”

But she hoped he was right, and that soon this whole ordeal would be over.

Chapter 16

Cat choir was in full swing by the time Brutus and I arrived back in the park. The playground, which cat choir’s director Shanille has picked as its official rehearsal spot, is occupied by kids during the daytime, and cats during the night. Harriet was singing one of her famous solos when we took a seat and watched. I have to admit my mind was still filled with images of those two zombies walking into the ocean and vanishing without a trace, but obviously Brutus’s focus was on his mate. She smiled when she saw us arrive, and I like to think her voice got that extra bit of pep that makes all the difference.

“Hey, Max,” said Dooley, sidling up to me. “So how did it go? Did you catch the zombies? Did Brutus smash their brains in with his secret weapon?”

“No, we didn’t catch them. We followed them all the way down to the beach, and then they went for a swim and didn’t come back.”

“They went for a swim? Is that typical zombie behavior?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” I admitted. “I don’t really know all that much about zombies.”

“Me neither. They don’t typically feature on the Discovery Channel.”

The Discovery Channel has become Dooley’s station of choice lately. He used to watch a lot of the Hallmark Channel, but apparently Marge has switched allegiances, and now watches a lot of nature documentaries instead. Or maybe it was Tex.

“At least they didn’t harm Odelia,” I said. “They came for her, you know, and tried to grab her, but she was too quick. And then when Chase and Uncle Alec sprang from the bushes, they ran like the wind.”

“I didn’t even know zombies could run,” he intimated.

We listened as Harriet sang a nice aria from some opera only she was aware of, and were joined by Shanille.“Is it true what I’ve heard about your uncle Alec behaving like a savage beast yesterday?” she asked.

“No, none of that is true,” I assured her.

“It was the zombies,” said Dooley helpfully. “It’s all their fault. But now they’ve gone for a swim and we don’t know when they’ll be back.”

“Okay,” said Shanille after a pregnant pause. “So I overheard Father Reilly discuss Uncle Alec with some of his parishioners, and he’s promised them to stage an intervention. He assured them that sex addiction is just like any other addiction, and he’s convinced that if Alec joins the twelve-step program he can be healed. He’ll also need to pray a lot, and he’s going to invite him to come to church every day so they can pray together. He said Alec’s soul can still be saved, but he will have to work, and work hard.”

“I’m not sure Uncle Alec is going to like that,” I said. “He’s not a big churchgoer, I don’t think.”

“Well, he better start going now, or else he’ll get kicked out of Hampton Cove. People are talking about going over to his house and bodily grabbing him and banishing him from their town, telling him never to come back. Father Reilly managed to calm them down, but if he doesn’t comply he willget banished. And I don’t think he’ll like that.”

“No, in that case I think he’ll definitely prefer the prayer thing.”

Harriet was still singing her aria, and suddenly broke off and yelled,“Will you two stop yapping and pay attention to me for a second! Show some respect to your diva!”

So we shut up and paid attention.

She was right, of course. You ignore a diva at your peril.

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Alec arrived home after his stakeout, and was feeling pretty good. After all, with the footage of the zombies that this Jonah fellow had shot, and Pamela’s statement, no one in their right mind could still claim he was a menace to society and women walking the streets alone at night, with or without dogs named Boomer.

And then he saw the car sitting in his driveway, a black-clad man leaning against it.

For a moment, he thought it was Chase, having come over for a quick chat before calling it a night. But then he saw that it was none other than Father Reilly, of all people.

What the…

He parked his truck right behind the priest’s sedan and got out.

“Father Reilly? What brings you out here in the middle of the night?”

The priest smiled a beatific smile. “Alec. Just the man I wanted to see.” He then let his eyes drop to the Santa costume the Chief was still wearing. “Fancy dress party?”

“No, a stakeout,” he said. “We caught the zombies on film, father, so this whole ordeal of mine will soon be over.”

“About that, Alec,” said the priest, placing a hand on the Chief’s shoulder. “I wanted to have a word with you. Some concerns have been raised about your recent behavior, and I would very much like to address them.”

“Now? It’s two o’clock in the morning, father.”

“He who watches over us never slumbers or sleeps and neither does His servant,” said the priest in kindly tones. “My flock asked me to convey an urgent message to you and I feel this cannot wait until the morrow. They are concerned, Alec. Very concerned.”

“Well, they don’t need to be concerned, father. Like I said, we got the zombies on film, and—”

“Myes. The thing is, there are a lot of women feeling very scared right now, and a lot of husbands, fathers, brothers and sons feeling very angry. In fact it isn’t an exaggeration to say that you are not a popular man at this moment. People want you to leave town, Alec,” he said sternly when Alec started sputtering something. “They want you gone. They want to organize what is commonly termed a mob and expel you from their town. I managed to convince them to give you one more chance—one last chance. And I hope you will grasp this chance with both hands, Alec,” he added as he grasped Alec’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “Do you see now why this couldn’t wait until the morning?”

He felt a little deflated.“Um… they want to kick me out of town? But why?”

The priest smiled a sad smile.“Denial. I see this all the time. You, my son, have an affliction, and that affliction is an addiction. Not to booze or drugs, no, but something even more pernicious and vile. You, my son, are addicted to sex. And as you can clearly see, it’s only getting worse,” he said, raising his voice asAlec tried to get a word in edgeways. “Admit you have a problem. Only then can the healing finally begin.”

“But father—the zombies—”

“Shush, my son. I’ve decided to take you under my wing. I see now that I’ve been neglecting you for far too long. We’re going to pray together, and this requires you to come to church for the liturgy of the hours. We will pray eight times daily, and you will attend mass every day as well. You will soak up your religion, son, and ask for forgiveness for the sins you have committed. Is that understood?”

“Um…”

“Is that understood?” said the priest, suddenly adopting a stentorian tone.

“Yes, father,” said Alec meekly.

“You will also join my Monday evening AA group.”

“But I don’t drink—well, not all that much, anyway.”

“If I had a nickel for every alcoholic who told me they don’t drink, I’d be as rich as Jeff Bezos. So are you going to accept help and be healed?”

“Yes, father,” said Alec, feeling like he didn’t have much of a choice here.

“Good. With the Lord’s help, I know we can beat this demon. Now let’s go inside and pray.”

“What, now?”

“Matins, Alec. Our two o’clock prayer. We’ll also pray together for Lauds, Prime, Terce, Sext, None, Vespers and Compline. Do you own a Bible, Alec?”

“Um…”

“You can have mine,” said the priest as he spirited a Bible out of thin air. “Read it, cover to cover, and then read it again. And again.” Father Reilly now glanced up and read the message spray-painted across the garage door, then shook his head sadly. “See what we’re dealing with here? This is the work of the devil.”

“The work of Flint Dibbert and that no-good scummy little friend of his Bart Stupes, you mean,” Alec muttered, but the priest was already walking up to the front door.

So Alec let himself in with his key, and led the holy man into the living room, where Father Reilly proceeded to balance a large cross on the living room table, then knelt down and told Alec to follow suit.

Five minutes later, Alec was praying alongside the priest, mainly for this whole ordeal to soon be over.

Whatever in hell had he done to deserve this?

Chapter 17

That night when we came home, we were met with a fascinating sight: in Marge and Tex’s backyard Gran was… dancing.

At first I have to admit I thought she was a zombie, but upon closer inspection I discovered it was actually our very own human, doing some variety of rain dance. She had her eyes closed and was dressed in a white flannel nightgown which was flapping around her bony ankles, while engaged in a frantic jig in place.

When I asked,“Gran, are you feeling all right?” she opened her eyes and stared at me, as if seeing me for the very first time.

Then, finally, she said,“Oh, hey, Max. I’m doing a fertility dance.”

I stared at her.“Fertility dance?”

Dooley, who’d come up behind me, asked, “What is a fertility dance, Max?”

“I guess it’s a dance to boost one’s fertility,” I said, though to be honest I was a little stumped myself.

“Doctor Clam told me to perform this ritual every night. He says that the ancient tribes living in the Amazon Rainforest perform this ritual in the weeks and months before their anticipated mating date, and it never fails to work wonders.”

“So… when is your… mating date?” I asked, though I wasn’t entirely sure I even wanted to know.

“No date scheduled yet,” she said, scratching her nose. “Doctor Clam has promised me the scouting process is going ahead as planned.”

“Scouting process?” asked Dooley.

Harriet and Brutus had now also joined us, and the four of us stood watching the spectacle with no small amount of bewilderment, for Gran had resumed her jig.

“If I tell you, you have to promise me not to breathe a word about this to the others, you hear?”

“Our lips are sealed, Gran,” I said.

“Okay, well, as you can imagine Doctor Clam has a lot of contacts in Hollywood, seeing as how he’s the world’s greatest fertility expert. So he’s promised me the best male specimen to father my child. We’re thinking George or Brad, or even one of the Chrises. But this is all strictly hush-hush, you hear? We feel that a specimen of the highest quality is necessary, plus, they’ll get a lot of free publicity out of this. I mean, who doesn’t want to be the father of the oldest woman in the world’s baby? Huh? Right?”

I could have told her no one would want that dubious honor, but figured I’d better keep my mouth shut, as she had suggested. Besides, what did I know? Humans are weird, as I think we’ve established by now, and this was simply another case in point.

“That’s great, Gran,” I said therefore. “And I hope you get the best baby daddy in the world.”

“I’m secretly hoping for one of the four Chrises,” she said, a little breathless now after all that dancing. “Or maybe a cocktail of all four would be nice. Though to be absolutely honest with you, I’d much rather do this the good old-fashioned way, but Doctor Clam claims that’s not practical. And since he’s the expert, I’m going to follow his advice.”

A window had opened on the second floor of the house, and Tex’s head came poking out. “Vesta, what the hell are you doing down there?” he asked in slightly offended tone. All this dancing and yapping apparently was keeping him up.

“Put in your earplugs and shut up,” she snapped. “Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?”

“In the middle of what?”

“I’m doing a fertility dance, to help me get ready for the big day.”

“Fertility dance?” He looked just as dumbfounded as we did.

“It’s a scientific procedure that’s beyond your pay grade, Tex. Now leave me alone.”

Shaking his head, Tex’s head retracted and the window closed again.

Next door, Rufus, Marcie and Ted Trapper’s sheepdog, had been alerted by the back-and-forth, and now peered over the fence. When he saw Gran perform her ancient Amazonian ritual, he tilted up his head and started howling like a timber wolf.

“Hey, it’s working,” said Gran. “That old dog is getting good and horny already.”

Beyond Odelia’s backyard, another dog had woken up: Fifi, Kurt Mayfield’s Yorkshire Terrier, had slipped under the fence, and had now joined us. And as Rufus’s howls intensified, the little Yorkie also threw her head back and joined the chorus. Soon all the dogs in the neighborhood had started howling, and since we didn’t have much else to do, the four of us decided to raise our voices in song, too. We had just come from a cat choir rehearsal, so we were definitely in the mood for some more singing.

Windows were opened left and right now, and loud cursing filled the night air.

When Odelia’s head appeared, looking sleepy, she asked, “What are you guys doing?”

“We’re providing backing vocals for the dogs,” I explained.

Only now did she catch sight of her grandmother, who was still doing her weird ritualistic dance, as envisioned by her fertility guru, and her jaw dropped a few inches.

“Oh, hell,” finally Gran said when Tex returned, this time joined by Marge, and also Chase was staring at her, and Marcie and Ted Trapper, and of course Kurt Mayfield. Clearly she didn’t enjoy an audience, for she shouted, “Fine! Tomorrow night I’ll do it in the park, where no one will bother me!” And with these words, she hiked up her nightgown and returned indoors.

“What was that?” asked Ted from next door.

“I have no idea,” said Marge.

“It’s a fertility dance,” said Tex. “She wants to become pregnant and this is her way of getting ready for the big day.”

“Pregnant? But isn’t your mother like a hundred years old or something?” asked Marcie.

“Seventy-five, and she hired a fertility expert,” said Marge.

“She’s nuts,” was Kurt’s determination. “Can we finally go back to sleep now?”

“I think it’s cute,” said Odelia.

Two more heads had come poking out. They belonged to Libby and Jonah, the latter hoisting his camera on his shoulder. I don’t think I’d ever seen him without his camera, and I was starting to believe the thing was attached to his body somehow.

“So what did we miss?” asked Libby with a big yawn.

“Some old lady was doing a fertility dance,” said Kurt. “It looked totally ridiculous.”

“I thought it looked cute,” Odelia repeated.

“So where is she?” asked Jonah, swinging his camera here and there.

“She went in,” said Marcie. “I think she didn’t care for all the attention.”

“Too bad,” said Libby. “So can you ask her to come out again? We need to get this on tape.”

“You ask her,” said Tex. “I don’t have a death wish.”

“Is she really going to have a baby?” asked Marcie. “I thought that was physically impossible?”

“Nothing is physically impossible in this day and age,” said Marge. “If they can put a man on the moon, or even Mars, they can probably get my mother pregnant again.”

“Hey, that’s great news, Marge,” said Marcie. “You’re going to have a little brother or sister soon.”

But Marge didn’t look all that happy with the impending family expansion. Shaking her head, she disappeared from view.

“I have the impression your wife isn’t all that happy about this, Tex,” said Ted.

“You can say that again,” said Tex, but refrained from adding any more comment. It was, after all, a very delicate matter.

Soon all humans had returned indoors, and the only ones still out and about were the felines and canines of Hampton Cove.

It’s hard for a dog to stop howling once he’s gotten started, and so for a long time after the lights had gone out and the houses had turned dark, they just kept on howling.

“They should probably start a dog choir,” said Harriet after a while. “They’re pretty good.”

“I think cat choir is enough for one town,” said Brutus. “Besides, who wants to listen to dogs yowling night after night? Not me.”

“Not me, either, “I agreed.

The truth of the matter is that dogs are very one-note in their performance, whereas cats put a lot more variety in their act. Then again, I may be prejudiced. But I don’t think so.

Soon, all was quiet again in Harrington Street, and we could finally get some sleep.

All but the zombies, of course, who were probably still lumbering away, now on the bottom of the ocean, trying to reach England. Well, good luck and good riddance.

Chapter 18

The next morning, very early, Odelia’s phone rang. Still groggy, she picked it from the nightstand, and saw that an unknown number was trying to reach her. As a reporter, she was used to unknown numbers trying to reach her, so she dutifully picked up with a reasonably cheerful, “Hello, this is Odelia Poole?”

“Hi, Miss Poole!” a very chipper woman’s voice tooted in her ear. “I’m very happy to announce that you have been selected to participate in the Peppard Pet Food Miracle Cure test program! When can you drop by with your sweet and cute furry friends?”

“Oh, that’s great,” she said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “I guess I could drop by today? That is to say, where are you guys located, exactly?”

When the woman gave her the address, Odelia realized that it was right outside Hampton Cove, which was convenient, as she’d feared the Peppard people were in another county or even a different state.

“Yeah, I can drop by this morning if you like,” she said. And when Chase, who’d also woken up, gave her a questioning look, she mouthed Peppard Pet Food, and he grinned.

For some reason Chase found everything connected with Odelia’s cat collection endlessly entertaining. And even though he couldn’t understand cats the way she and Mom and Gran could, he was privy to their little secret, and thought it was just great.

“I’ll pencil you in at ten, how does that sound to you, Miss Poole?” said the woman, still continuing happy-peppy.

“Yeah, that’s great. Oh, wait, you do know I have four cats, right? I did mention that in my application, I think?”

“Yes, I have you down for four lovely fur-babies. See you at ten, Miss Poole!”

After she hung up, she directed a keen look at the foot of the bed, where two pairs of eyes had eagerly been studying her throughout the entire conversation.

“You’re in,” she said, not wanting to keep them in suspense any longer than necessary. “The Peppard Pet Food Company has selected you for their test program!”

“Oh, yay!” said Dooley, actually putting his paws in the air. Max even want so far as to do a little victory dance at the foot of the bed, which consisted of a slight shake of the butt and a circular motion of his hips. It wasn’t as awkward as Gran’s nocturnal fertility dance, but it was still fun to watch, and made Chase laugh out loud.

What a nice way to start the day, she thought. And she hoped it was a sign for more wonderful things to come.

There was a commotion in the corridor, and as she shared a look with Chase, they both said simultaneously,“We have guests.”

Something she’d completely forgotten about.

So they both got up, and made their way into the corridor.

Libby looked up when they arrived, and said plaintively,“Jonah’s been in there for ages, and he won’t come out, and I really have to tinkle.”

Chase knocked on the bathroom door.“Everything all right in there, buddy?” When no response came, he knocked again. “Jonah?”

“Yes?” said a voice from the stairs, and when they looked over, saw that Jonah wasn’t in the bathroom at all, but coming up the stairs. He had a blush on his cheeks, and had clearly been out for a morning hike, hoisting his trusty camera on his shoulder as usual.

“Jonah!” said Libby, clasping a hand before her mouth. “But if you’re here, who’s in… there?”

They all looked at that bathroom door, which was locked, as Chase now ascertained by jiggling the handle.

Sounds could be heard from inside. Stumbling sounds. And when suddenly the knob turned and the door swung open, Odelia stifled a scream when she found herself looking into the face of a… zombie!

It was a female zombie this time, but she looked as zombieish as the two zombies she’d made the acquaintance of last night: bad skin, lots of sores, hair hanging loose and limp along a deeply ravaged face, eyes veiny and red-rimmed, and clothes very soiled.

The zombie merely stared at them, obviously as surprised and confused as they were, then broke into a lumbering sprint for the staircase, shoving Jonah out of the way with surprising force, and then proceeding to stomp noisily down the stairs.

“What the hell is going on?” Chase said, and made after the zombie.

Soon they were all in pursuit, Jonah looking excited about the prospect of getting some more zombie footage on film, and Odelia hoping that this time they’d actually be successful in catching the zombie and getting to the bottom of this baffling mystery.

She knew that zombies didn’t exist, but then who were these people, and what were they doing all over Hampton Cove—and now even using her bathroom?!

The zombie had reached the ground floor, and was now making a beeline for the front door. And she would have made it if not for one of Odelia’s cats’ toys tripping her up and sending her flying. She landed on her belly with a thud, and stayed down. Within seconds, Chase was upon her, but instead of incapacitating her, as per police academy training and department regulations, instead he opted to keep a safe distance.

“Um… so how do we handle this?” he asked, clearly reluctant to put this hands on the zombie woman.

“I’d say we call an ambulance,” said Libby. “This is obviously a very sick person.”

“But if she’s dead already,” said Jonah, “doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose? I mean, she probably needs an undertaker, not a doctor, right?”

“I’ll ask my dad,” said Odelia, and raced out of the kitchen door and into her parents’ backyard. Moments later she was storming into their bedroom, and rousing her folks.

“Dad,” she said. “You have to come with me. We caught one of the zombies, and now we don’t know what to do.”

To his credit, Tex was out from under the sheets and putting on his slippers in seconds, and then he was following her down the stairs.“You caught a zombie? How?”

“She was in my bathroom,” said Odelia.

“In your bathroom?”

“Yeah. No idea how she got there, but now she’s downstairs, passed out on the floor, and we thought you’d better take a look, just in case she’s contagious or something.”

They walked back into her house and to Odelia’s relief the woman was still there, lying on the floor.

“She must have hit her head,” she explained when her dad knelt down next to her.

She glanced down at the toy the woman had tripped over. It was a mechanical mouse.

“This woman needs a hospital,” said Dad finally. “She’s in a very bad way.”

Immediately Chase took out his phone and called an ambulance.

“So… is she dead?” asked Jonah.

“No, she’s not,” said Dad. “She’s alive, though I don’t know for how much longer.”

“So she’s not a zombie?” asked Jonah, sounding disappointed. He was filming the whole thing.

“A zombie? No, of course not,” said Dad. “She’s a sick woman, and until I run some more tests I honestly have no idea what made her this way.”

They all stared down at the poor woman, and Odelia felt relieved at her dad’s words. “Not a zombie,” she said, and Chase nodded curtly, as if to say, ‘See? What did I tell you?’

“Man, what a bummer,” said Jonah.

Chapter 19

Dooley and I had followed the capture of the so-called zombie with rapt attention, and I had to admit I was as relieved as Odelia when the woman turned out not to be a zombie but an actual person. As I mentioned before, my knowledge of zombies is sketchy, but this seemed like a much better deal for all: no one’s brains would get eaten, or smashed in, and now Uncle Alec was off the hook, too.

The ambulance arrived in due course, and even though the two paramedics frowned when confronted with their patient, they still acted like the professionals they were and put her on a stretcher and took her along to the nearest hospital.

Tex decided to ride in the ambulance with them, as his professional curiosity had been piqued, and since he wanted to know how the woman had ended up in his daughter’s bathroom of all places.

And so when Harriet and Brutus finally wandered in, we had two wonderful bits of news to impart: the fact that we were going to have our first taste of Miracle Cure kibble very soon now, and that the zombies weren’t zombies at all!

Brutus looked as disappointed as Jonah at the last part, but he soon recovered.

And when suddenly Gran walked in and demanded heatedly,“Where is my television crew? Have you been hogging my television crew again?” it was time for Odelia to put us in her car and we took off to the Peppard Pet Food Company.

“If the zombies aren’t zombies, then what are they?” asked Dooley.

“I don’t know, Dooley,” Odelia admitted. “But I’m sure Dad will find out and tell us.”

“I think Tex is wrong,” said Brutus. “I think these are zombies, and soon they’re going to wipe out the entire hospital, and then the entire town, and soon the whole world will become the setting for an army of walking dead.”

“She’s just a very sick woman,” said Odelia. “And now she’ll get the help she needs.”

“Or she’ll infect the doctors, the nurses, and everyone else in that hospital,” said Brutus, who seemed to relish in his role as the herald of doom.

“Oh, nonsense,” said Odelia. “She’ll be fine.”

“If she even makes it to the hospital,” said Brutus. “She probably woke up during the drive, and first attacked Tex and then those two nurses before engineering her escape.”

Odelia, even though logically she was inclined to refute this horror story, still picked out her phone and plugged it into her car’s mobile phone connector, then called her dad.

“Dad? Oh, thank God. Is everything all right?”

“Well, the doctors here are a little baffled,” his voice spoke over the car’s sound system. “And frankly so am I. I’ve never seen anything like it. One thing’s for sure: she’s completely dehydrated and they’re trying to get some fluids into her now.”

“But what about her skin? She looks horrible.”

“Yeah, she’s suffering from some kind of rash,” said Tex, and after telling her he needed to go, hung up.

“A rash,” Harriet echoed. “That’s putting it a little mildly, don’t you think?”

“I still think she’s going to infect this entire town,” said Brutus. “She’s probably patient zero, and soon they’ll wish they never laid eyes on her. Mark my words.”

“Oh, will you stop it, already?” said Harriet. “I’m sure the doctors at the hospital know what they’re doing.”

“It’s a virus, Harriet,” said Brutus. “Zombieism is a virus, and it spreads like wildfire. I just hope one thing.”

“What?” asked Dooley, who’d listened to Brutus’s exhortation with wide-eyed attention.

“That cats are immune to the disease. Even if humans all succumb to the horrible virus, I hope we will be spared.”

“Let’s talk about something more fun,” Odelia suggested now. “How do you feel about the Peppard Pet Food Company, huh? Are you guys excited?”

We all yipped in acknowledgment, except Brutus, who was now somberly staring out the window, presumably on the lookout for the army of walking dead that soon would engulf the entire town.

“I hope we’ll get to take some of the food home with us,” said Dooley, clapping his paws excitedly.

“I’ll bet we will,” said Harriet. “How else are we going to enjoy the full experience? They have to give us a cat bag.”

“I think the common term is doggie bag,” said Odelia with a grin.

We’d arrived at the address indicated, and I saw it was located in a semi-industrial zone with other, similar low-slung buildings. Odelia drove up to the front door and parked the car.

As we set paw for the squat concrete structure, more people drove up, escorting their pets, only they were all carrying their beloved animals inside pet carriers.

“We’re the only ones not locked inside a cage,” said Harriet, noticing the same thing.

“That’s because you guys are all on your good behavior,” said Odelia. Though as she glanced back at the other pet parents, she added, “Maybe I should have put you in pet carriers, too? Maybe this is some kind of policy they forgot to mention?”

“If that’s the case, we might as well turn back right now,” said Harriet. “I’m not going inside a cage for no one, not even for the Peppard Pet Food Company.”

Odelia opened the door and we all streaked inside, our excitement undiminished.

The woman at the front desk smiled as she saw us tripping up to her, and after she’d ascertained that we were esteemed guests, pointed us in the direction of the welcome room, as she called it. As we entered Peppard Pet Food’s Valhalla, I saw we’d arrived in the right place: the walls were covered with pictures of happy-looking pets, and dozens of other cats and dogs and even pet rabbits, hamsters, ferrets, guinea pigs and turtles were all waiting patiently with their humans, all looking equally exhilarated to finally find themselves in pet food paradise.

I was suddenly feeling like Charlie upon entering Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Chapter 20

When Chase arrived at the precinct, he was surprised to see the reception area overrun with concerned citizens. Dolores was handling them with her usual flair and no-nonsense attitude, and when he joined her to see what was going on, she croaked,“Zombies, Chief Chase. Zombies everywhere.”

“Zombies? You mean…”

“Yeah, all of these people have come to report zombie sightings, or even a zombie confrontation. Several found zombies in their bathrooms, or floating in their pools, and one even found a zombie in his jacuzzi. And let me tell you, they ain’t happy about it.”

Chase scratched his scalp.“So what happened with the zombies?”

“Some of them brought the zombies along,” said Dolores, gesturing to an elderly gentleman with a resolute look on his face. “It’s almost like a Take Your Zombie to Work Day. Kinnard!” she yelled. “Tell Chief Chase what you done did with your zombie!”

“Tied him up well and good, Chief Chase,” said Kinnard, a determined look on his wrinkly face. He ran the local liquor store, even though he looked old enough to have retired years ago. “Dumped his ass in the back of my truck. Ain’t no zombies gonna eat me or mine!”

“Show me the zombie, Kinnard,” said Chase, and followed the man out the door and into the parking lot.

And as Kinnard had indicated, the zombie was trussed up and lying in the bed of his truck.“He ain’t going nowhere,” announced the old man proudly.

“I think we better call an ambulance,” said Chase. He glanced around at the parking lot, wondering if more people had followed Kinnard’s example. And then he saw two zombies, also tied up and lying near the police station entrance. He hadn’t seen them before, which meant they must have beendelivered recently. He glanced around for a sign of UPS or FedEx but then caught sight of Wilbur Vickery entering the police station. He hollered, “Wilbur! Are those your zombies?”

Wilbur turned back and ambled up.“Yup, those be mine,” he said good-naturedly. “Found them in my store fridge this morning, trying to crack open a can of Dr. Pepper. They were easy to catch, so I figured I’d better bring them over.” He now glanced down into Kinnard’s truck. “Will you look at that. More zombies.”

“Yeah, looks like we’ve got ourselves a regular zombie invasion on our hands,” Kinnard confirmed.

And as if to prove his point, suddenly a small army of walking dead now came staggering past. There were at least thirty of them, and they all moved unsteadily in the direction of Town Hall. And before the eyes of the stunned onlookers, one by one they all jumped into the fountain that had been erected in the middle of Town Square, and dunked themselves straight into the water.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” said Wilbur. “Those are some real peculiar zombies.”

“Most zombies eat brains, but these just want water,” Kinnard agreed. He made a face. The owner of a liquor store, he wasn’t partial to plain old water as a beverage.

He was right, Chase saw: the zombies were gulping up the water and really getting soaked.

He picked out his phone.“I better call the mayor. This is getting out of hand.”

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Charlene Butterwick had never in her wildest dreams expected her political career to start off with such a bang. She’d only ever harbored the ambition to go into politics to help her fellow townies and be of service to her community. She didn’t want to become governor or president, just be the best mayor she could be. But she never thought she’d be faced with a zombie invasion her first week in office. So when she arrived for work that morning and saw a dozen zombies crawling all over the fountain in Town Square, with more arriving to join the party, she gulped and swerved and almost drove her car into the statue of a former mayor. Her phone chimed and when she picked up, saw that it was Chase, her brand-new chief of police.

“Um, Madam Mayor?” said Chase. “It would appear we have a zombie problem.”

“I can see that,” she said as she glanced over and saw Chase standing outside the police station holding up his hand.

She parked her car in her designated spot, got out, then quickly tripped over to where her chief stood.

“We caught one in my bathroom this morning,” Chase said by way of introduction.

“And I caught one in my jacuzzi,” said Kinnard, proudly pointing to the trussed-up zombie in his flatbed truck.

“And that’s my haul over there,” said Wilbur Vickery. “I found them having a go at a Dr. Pepper.”

“The one we found in our bathroom is at the hospital right now,” said Chase. “They’re not actually zombies at all, but suffering from some kind of debilitating disease.”

“Zombies are sick people, Chase, didn’t anyone ever tell you that?” said Wilbur. “They’re infected with some kind of virus, which makes them undead. So they’re dead, but they’re also not dead. And the virus is infectious. It spreads, so you gotta make sure they don’t come near you, and especially that they don’t bite you and eat your brains. That would be bad.”

“This lot doesn’t seem all that interested in brains, though,” said Kinnard. “They like water.”

“Yeah, they don’t seem to go after other humans like most zombies do,” Wilbur conceded. “But don’t let that fool you. That doesn’t mean they’re not dangerous.”

“What do you want to do, Madam Mayor?” asked Chase.

“Charlene, and I think we better call in some help. This is not something we can handle on our own.”

“The FBI?” asked Wilbur.

“The FBI don’t deal with zombies,” said Kinnard. “You need to call in the army. They need to set up a perimeter and cordon off this whole town.”

“Let me talk to the County Executive,” said Charlene. “I’m sure there’s a procedure we need to follow when dealing with this kind of thing.”

Kinnard raised two very bristly eyebrows.“Well, good luck with that.”

Chapter 21

The chatter in the waiting room had become deafening. You can probably imagine how much noise dozens of cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters and other pets can make, and when you add in the excited conversations of dozens of proud pet owners, a Metallica or Iron Maiden rock concert is probably the only thing that even remotely compares.

But when the doors of the room suddenly swung open and a man with a white mustache and white goatee appeared, the chatter died away and all eyes fastened on this remarkable apparition.

“Hi, my name is Fred Peppard, and I’m so happy to welcome you all to my program,” the man intoned. He looked a little like Colonel Sanders. He then spread his arms wide. “Welcome, pets and pet parents, and let’s all have some fun!”

Loud cheers rang out, and we followed the man into the next room. Well, at least Odelia and we did, and the dozen or so dogs present. The other pet parents all had to pick up their pet carriers and carry them over, which I thought was a little sad. Then again, it did provide Dooley, Brutus, Harriet and myself the opportunity to be the first ones to enter Fred Peppard’s Pet Paradise. For that was what this clearly was: I could see pet toys everywhere, climbing poles, toy dog bones, and those dangly things more adventurous cats like to dangle from. But first and foremost, I could see large bags of pet food piled high, and all of them were labeled Miracle Cure.

“Oh, my,” said Dooley, jumping up and down with anticipation. “Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.”

“This is looking good, you guys,” said Brutus. “This is looking mighty good!”

“I just hope there’s enough for everyone,” said Harriet, sounding nervous. “I mean, look at the number of pets. They may have accepted too many applications and underestimated the response rate.”

“Oh, relax, Harriet,” I said. “Can’t you see those bags? There’s plenty for everyone.”

But then I caught sight of some very big and very hungry-looking dogs, and I wondered if Harriet didn’t have a point.

Fred Peppard soon put us at ease, though.“This is how this will work,” he said, clapping his hands. “Every pet will go through a quick medical checkup to determine a baseline of health and fitness. Then we’ll assign a certain amount of Peppard Pet Food Miracle Cure for them and they will eat this with relish, I can promise you. We’ll repeat this during the three days they’ll spend at our facility, at the end of which we’ll repeat the physical, and see if there have been marked changes in their overall health and fitness levels, which I can also promise you there will be!”

“We have to get a physical?” asked Harriet, aghast.

“We have to stay here for three days?” asked Dooley, equally aghast.

“Yeah, they didn’t mention that over the phone,” said Odelia, also dismayed.

“If for any reason you feel like you can’t in all good conscience leave your pet with us for the designated time span, that’s just fine,” Peppard continued. “You’re free to leave right now, and grab yourself one complimentary bag of Miracle Cure as a thanks from us to you. If you do decide to enter your pets into the program… free pet food for life!”

“Free pet food for life!” Dooley cried, almost fainting from sheer excitement.

All around us, excited chattering broke out, as pets all across the room were already salivating at the prospect, and pet owners were already counting out their profits.

Odelia had crouched down and asked, earnestly,“Are you sure you want to go through with this? I don’t care about this pet food for life scheme, all right? All I care about is seeing you guys happy and healthy and enjoying yourselves. So just say the word and we’re out of here with our one bag of kibble.”

“Four bags of kibble,” said Brutus. “Four cats, four bags. Right?”

“I want to stay,” said Harriet now. “Not for the pet food for life thing, but just look at all the friends we could make—the bonds for life we could forge by participating.”

She didn’t sound entirely sincere, I thought, but I decided to keep my tongue.

“Yeah, I want to stay, too,” said Brutus. “I like the prospect of helping these nice Peppard Pet Food people to create the best pet food on the planet. I want to help.”

Again, not entirely sincere.

“I don’t like the idea of a physical, but I think I want to stay, too,” said Dooley. “I like to eat, and I like to eat for free.”

Now that was sincere.

“I guess I want to give it a shot as well,” I finally intimated. “It looks like a nice experiment, and I’m sure they’ll handle everything by the book.”

“I don’t know…” said Odelia, clearly of two minds about this.

“Look at it this way,” I said. “You get to save a lot of money on pet food and we get to spend three days in pet paradise.”

She smiled.“Well, if you put it that way… All right, fine. But on one condition.”

“Anything!” said Harriet.

“I’ll drop by tomorrow morning, and if you don’t like it here, you tell me and I’ll take you home. Deal?”

“Deal!” we all said, and put our paws against Odelia’s hand for a high five.

And thus our Peppard Pet Food adventure finally began.

Chapter 22

Alec opened his door carefully, hoping to avoid getting a brick against the noodle, but to his relief the coast was clear. So he stooped down to pick up his newspaper, and saw that someone had scribbled across the front page the words,‘Repist Go Ome!’

“I am home, you morons,” he muttered, and turned to go in when a car honked and drove up his driveway. It was Father Reilly.

“Well?” said the priest, getting out. “Where were you this morning?”

“This morning?” he said, wondering what the old coot was talking about.

“Lauds! I was waiting for you at five o’clock!”

“Oh, damn,” he said, earning himself a scowl from the priest. “I mean, shoot. I totally forgot to set my alarm clock.” In actual fact he had no intention whatsoever to sit down with Father Reilly eight times a day to pray, and do daily mass and confession on top. He might as well join a convent, which actually was starting to sound like a pretty good idea.

“You made a promise to me and to yourself, Alec,” said the priest, adopting a stern tone. “Not to mention to the Lord Jesus Christ who is Your Savior. Do you want to be healed or not? And, more important, do you want to have a future in this town or not?”

Alec rolled his eyes.“Look, I…”

But whatever he wanted to say was wiped from his lips when a curious sight suddenly arrested his attention: up and down the street a horde of zombies were staggering, followed by a horde of Hampton Covians, walking at a safe distance, carrying clubs and sticks, and clearly wondering what was going on, same way he was.

Father Reilly had turned and was now taking in the strange spectacle.“End times,” he suddenly whispered. “The end times are upon us.”

“It’s zombies, father,” said Alec. “Nothing to do with end times.”

“Chief Alec!” one of the people passing by yelled. “You have to help us! These zombies are everywhere!”

“I’m not your chief anymore,” he yelled, but still wondered what could be done about this sudden invasion of weirdos.

“Looks like we’ve got bigger fish to fry than Lauds, father,” he said, and took out his phone.

When it connected, Chase immediately said,“We’ve got a big problem here, Alec.”

“Yeah, I can see that. My street is being overrun by zombies. There must be at least two dozen of them.”

“Same thing here. Mayor Butterwick has called the County Executive, who’s called the Governor, who’s called in the army. Let’s hope they can contain this thing.”

“What do you want me to do, Chase?”

“They don’t seem to attack people right now,” said Chase, “but they are attracted to bodies of water. Still, I’d advise everyone to lock themselves up in their houses, make sure all doors and windows are fastened and secured, and sit tight.” He sighed. “This thing is out of our hands,I’m afraid. Once the army gets here…”

“Yeah, it’s over and out for us,” said Alec. Chase disconnected, and Alec turned to Father Reilly. “You better go home, father. And pray that this will all be over soon.”

But suddenly a zombie must have spotted them, for he came lumbering up at surprising speed.

“Father, watch out!” Alec yelled, and Father Reilly squealed and hid behind the former chief’s broad back.

But instead of attacking them, the zombie dove into Alec’s small fish pond instead!

“My koi!” Alec cried. “The nasty piece of work is going for my koi!”

Father Reilly, emerging from behind Alec, gulped a little, then said, wiping beads of sweat from his brow,“Maybe I will do as you suggest, my son. Go home and pray. And you better do the same thing. May God help us all.” And then he practically jumped into his car, and led it careening out of the driveway and racing off, tires burning rubber.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Vesta, who didn’t give a hoot about zombies, or the Peppard Pet Food Company, thought it was a disgrace. The biggest news in town should be her pregnancy, and now her thunder was being stolen by these stupid zombies and her cats wanting to eat some new kind of kibble. Not fair!

Her camera crew had taken off, presumably to go and film some more zombies, Odelia had disappeared, and so had Marge and Tex. And when she approached Zebediah Clam, to ask him about the next step in her procedure, she found him watching TV, nervously biting his nails.

“More zombies,” she said as she saw what he was watching. “Who cares, right?”

“The idiot,” said the doctor. “The total, absolute moron.”

“Look, Doc,” said Vesta, who couldn’t agree more. “I’ve been thinking, and I’m inclined to go with Chris Pratt. He’s handsome, he’s funny, he’s talented. Any woman would be lucky to have his baby, and so I’ve decided to pick him. I mean, Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans are okay, but for my money I’m going to bet on him to deliver me a dream baby.”

But to her surprise, Doc Clam wasn’t even listening.

“The idiot!” he grunted as he watched the screen, where more zombies had taken to the streets, and were now walking in their typical lumbering gait. There was footage of zombies jumping into fountains, zombies jumping into the lake, zombies being dragged out of bathtubs and shower cabins, and even the local spa had reported having to pick zombies out of their sauna cabins. It was a regular invasion! And the frantic newscaster who kept yelling at the top of her voice didn’t help either.

Vesta rolled her eyes, and raised her voice to drown out the annoying reporter.“Though if you want we could go with Clooney, of course. He’s still a solid performer, though he’s getting a bit long in the tooth now. Or how about Brad? Going strong, right?”

But the doctor didn’t pay attention. Instead, he got up and said, “I gotta go.”

“You mean to pick up Chris Pratt’s sample? Can’t you have it FedExed?”

But instead of responding, Doc Clam was hurrying out the room, and moments later she heard the front door slam, and when she glanced through the window, saw his car backing out of the driveway and then race off with tires screaming.

She blinked.“So how about Alec Baldwin? He’s local.”

Chapter 23

Odelia had finally left, and so had the other pet parents, and we’d all been allocated to different nurses’ stations for our physicals.

Harriet, Brutus, Dooley and I had been placed outside nurses’ station number five, along with half a dozen other pets, all of them cats. I saw from the lines at other stations that the Peppard Pet Food people had grouped us according to species: dogs together, rabbits together, hamsters, turtles…

Fortunately for us we knew all the cats lining up with us. They were all members of cat choir, obviously, and we had known them for years. Tigger was there, the plumber’s cat, and so was Buster, the barber’s cat, and Misty, the electrician’s cat, and Missy, the landscaper’s tabby, and Shadow, whose owner Franklin Beaver runs the hardware store. In fact I saw a lot of familiar faces in other lines, too. So maybe Harriet was right. This was a great opportunity to strengthen those eternal bonds of friendship.

“I’m so excited, you guys!” said Tigger. “Pet food for life! How great is that?”

“I’m not so sure about this physical, though,” said Buster. “As a rule I don’t like physicals. Each time Fido takes me to Vena, I puke. Literally puke all over the backseat. It’s horrible. Though probably more horrible for Fido, as he has to clean it all up.”

“Nobody likes Vena,” said Brutus.

“Yeah, Vena is the worst,” Missy agreed.

“Though you have to admit she knows her stuff,” I said. “Last time I was there she fixed my teeth. I’m not one to sing her praises, as all veterinarians are evil, obviously.”

“Obviously,” my fellow felines echoed.

“But she did me a good turn there.”

“I just hope they give me a clean bill of health,” said Misty. “What if I don’t get approved? What if I flunk the physical and they send me home empty-pawed!”

“They won’t send you home,” said Harriet. “This is just a formality.”

“Yeah, they just want to establish a baseline of health and fitness,” said Shadow, “so they can determine whether their pet food diet has made a difference after three days.”

“Three days is not enough,” said Brutus. “They should keep us here for three weeks, minimum. Then they’ll be able to tell if their Miracle Cure makes a difference or not.”

“But I don’t want to stay here for three weeks,” said Dooley.

“No, me neither,” I admitted.

“Three weeks is too long,” Misty agreed.

But then the line moved, and suddenly it was my turn!

I was grabbed by a very pleasantly plump young nurse who put me on a scale, then checked my teeth, listened to my heart and lungs, checked my paws, and proceeded to prod and poke me in places I really didn’t like to be prodded and poked, except maybe by Odelia, and even then only on a good day. Still, I allowed her to do all this, as a big poster on the wall said, ‘Miracle Cure: give your beloved pet the gift of life!’

Well, I don’t know about you, but I enjoy life, and I would never say no to having more of it.

Finally the physical was over, and I was handed off to a matronly woman who grabbed me by the neck and unceremoniously carried me off, then stuck me… in a cage!

The door locked and I found myself staring at the iron bars of a real cage, just like the one at Vena’s!

This wasn’t part of the deal. I’d anticipated spending quality time in a playroom, enjoy a nice mani-pedi and watching others climb one of those climbing racks while I shot the breeze with my friends while gobbling up my body weight in Miracle Cure.

As I glanced around, I saw that I was in a room full of similar cages, over half of them occupied by equally-stunned-looking pets, who certainly hadn’t signed up for this.

“Yelp,” I said, hunkering down and tucking my tail around my buttocks in dismay. “Odelia, help!”

But of course Odelia was long gone.

Suddenly a big hatch opened in the cage’s ceiling and something dropped down. It was kibble. The hatch closed again with a metallic sound, and as I stared at the small ration, I realized this was the famous Miracle Cure kibble. I licked one up and distributed it around my mouth, then grimaced and spat it out again. Yuck! It tasted like cardboard soaked in vinegar!

A noise alerted me of a presence nearby, and when I glanced over, I saw that a camera was carefully filming my every move.

I froze in my tracks as I stared into the lens. There was no cameraman, no Jonah Zappa handling the contraption. Instead, it was mounted in the corner of my cage, swiveling while it registered my every single move.

Next to me, a cage door was opened, and Dooley was dumped in.

“Max!” he cried. “What’s going on?”

“I think this is the Peppard Pet Food Program, Dooley,” I said sadly. “We’re test animals now. Guinea pigs. And whatever we do is filmed and presumably analyzed by the Peppard Pet Food people.”

A hatch in his cage opened and a ration of kibble dumped in. And as he took a tentative sniff, his face contorted.“This is horrible. What is it?”

“Miracle Cure,” I said. “Better don’t eat it. It tastes horrible.”

“But maybe it has all the essential nutrients and life-affirming vitamins your growing kitty needs?” he said, quoting from the commercial.

“I doubt it,” I said, as I plunked myself down on the metal floor of my cage.

“They’re not going to keep us in here for three days, are they, Max?” he asked. “That’s not what it said in our contract, right?”

“What contract? I didn’t sign no contract.”

“We’ll tell Odelia when she comes to visit us in the morning,” he said. “We’ll tell her and then she’ll take us home and write a strongly-worded letter of complaint to Mr. Peppard. She could even write a front-page article about the way we’re being treated.”

He was right. The pet food people didn’t know we could talk to our human, and so when Odelia showed up tomorrow morning to check on us, we’d blow the whistle on the pet food people and this would all be over.

So all we had to do was survive twenty-four hours in this horrible place and we’d be saved.

Soon we were joined by Brutus, Harriet, and the others. Harriet screamed bloody murder when she was tucked into her cage. The gang was complete, even though separated by iron bars.

“Twenty-four hours, you guys,” I told them. “Just take a twenty-four-hour nap and when you wake up this will all be over.”

At least I hoped so.

Chapter 24

Returning from Peppard Pet Food headquarters, Odelia decided to drop by the hospital and see how her dad was doing with the zombie they’d found in her bathroom.

She called him on her way there. He said the zombie was in good hands, and was receiving all the medical attention she needed. The doctors hadn’t figured out what was ailing her exactly, but they had determined she was suffering from extreme dehydration and was confused and disoriented, and couldn’t speak or give them any indication who she was or how she’d gotten into this terrible state.

She arrived at the hospital and parked her car, then went in search of the ward where the woman was being treated, and soon discovered that whomever she asked about her grew a little shifty-eyed and evasive.

Finally she decided to check the ICU, where presumably she would have been taken, and found that no one would allow her to see the woman, or even acknowledge she was there.

And as she approached a doctor and asked him straight out where the patient was, he said he wasn’t at liberty to discuss the case with her and directed her to the hospital’s director.

Starting to get a little hot under her collar, Odelia stalked over to the director’s office and knocked on the door. She was admitted by a nice secretary, who said, when she heard why she was there, that the director wasn’t giving any statements and told her to come back the next day.

“But… my dad was here. He worked with your staff!”

“I can neither confirm or deny that such a patient was ever admitted to this hospital,” said the secretary, still in the same professional and friendly tones.

“Look, I’m the person who found the zombie—for lack of a better term—in her bathroom, all right? I called the ambulance that brought her here. I think I have a right to know what’s going on.” She was tapping the woman’s desk with her index finger now, feeling a little annoyed about being given the runaround.

“Oh, I totally understand, Miss Poole,” said the woman in the same unctuous tone she’d been using for the past five minutes, “but like I said, I can neither confirm or deny that a patient like the one you’re describing has been admitted to our hospital. But I’m sure that if you put yourrequest in writing, we will get back to you promptly.”

“When? When will you get back to me?” she demanded.

“Promptly,” repeated the woman with a smile.

She clearly wasn’t getting anywhere, so she decided to leave it and do as the secretary suggested. Still, she had a feeling something very fishy was going on and she vowed to get to the bottom of it… promptly.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

At the library, Marge hadn’t been able to attain her customary equanimity. The events of the previous day were still going through her mind, and she hadn’t slept well. Not least because her mother had been keeping her up with her fertility dance, causing all the cats and dogs in the immediate vicinity of Harrington Street to break into an hour-long howling concert.

She was seated behind her desk now, hoping Alec was all right, but mostly wondering what this whole zombie thing was about. Her husband had called her from the hospital, saying it was the single most weirdest case he’d ever been involved with, and even the specialists at the hospital had been absolutely baffled.

The doors of the library swung open and Mrs. Samson walked in, carrying her usual shopping bag filled with romance novels to return. Marge didn’t know how she did it, but she read at least five or six novels a day. Sometimes more.

Mrs. Samson now came walking up to the counter and deposited the novels in front of the librarian, then looked up and said, a little hesitantly.“I just want you to know that I don’t believe a word they say about your brother Alec, Marge. Not one single word.”

“Why, thank you, Margaret,” she said. “That’s very nice of you to say. And I’ll be sure to tell Alec. He’ll be so pleased.”

Margaret adjusted her glasses and gave her an owlish look.“I mean, I can certainly imagine how a man of your brother’s dimensions would have no trouble dragging Pamela Witherspoon into those bushes and overpowering her. Pinning her arms to the ground and having his way with her—ravaging her, so to speak. His lips on hers, his hands all over her body, ripping the buttons of her blouse while his tongue takes on a life of its own, plunging into her mouth over and over and over again…” She was breathing a little rapidly, her rheumy eyes glittering. “But like I said, I’m sure it never happened and Pamela is simply making it all up, like a wanton woman like her is wont to do.”

“Yes,” said Marge, as she confirmed that ‘Primal Passion,’ ‘Hot Stud,’ ‘Take Me,’ ‘Barely a Lady,’ ‘Message From a Rogue’ and ‘A Billionaire’s Virgin Capture’ were checked in again. “Yes, I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding and it will be cleared up very soon now. And then things will go back to normal again.”

“That would certainly be very nice,” said Mrs. Samson with a radiant smile, and shuffled off in the direction of the romance section for her haul of the day.

Marge shook her head as she watched the old lady move off, then was alerted by the sound of shouting outside. She got up from behind her desk and quickly made her way to the glass doors to look out. The sight that met her eyes was a very unusual one: a dozen zombies were tottering along the street, arms outstretched, fingers grasping the air, as they made a beeline for the decorative pond in front of the library.

One by one, they all plunged in, as if they’d never experienced water in their lives.

It was a horrifying sight, and Marge inadvertently held her hands to her face. Then, as one of the zombies’ eyes fastened on hers, she quickly locked the library doors and backed away.

The zombie apocalypse had reached Hampton Cove, and now they were all in terrible, terrible danger!

“What’s going on, Marge?” asked Mrs. Samson, but then she caught sight of the strange spectacle and said, “Oh.” She blinked and adjusted her glasses. “Is that… an orgy?”

Chapter 25

“We have to escape,” said Brutus.

“No, we just have to wait for Odelia to show up,” I said. “Which she will tomorrow morning, just like she promised, and then everything will be all right.”

We’d been fed more kibble, but again it was mostly inedible, something I’m sure had been registered by that infernal camera.

A little hatch in the bottom of my cage had opened up and the excess kibble had all been removed and now my cage was kibble-free again. Which of course was not the way I liked it, but it was better than having to smell that horrible sour kibble.

Maybe they were making adjustments to their secret formula?

“I say we do as Max says,” said Dooley now, my faithful friend.

“I’m not so sure, you guys,” said Misty. “I think Odelia might show up tomorrow morning, as promised, and the pet food people will simply send her away with some excuse.”

“Odelia would never accept any excuse not to see us,” I countered. “She’ll barge her way in here and save us from these people for sure.”

All around us, laments had been rising up now that we were complete, all the physicals over, a full contingent of test subjects ready to go. From time to time the laments were interspersed with some hatch being opened either to drop kibble in or out, but apart from that, not much had happened, and we hadn’t seen a single human, and most certainly not Fred Peppard, who’d seemed so nice and welcoming before.

“How would we even escape?” asked Harriet now, who’d been refusing to lay down on what she deemed was a filthy cage floor but now finally succumbed to the temptation to take a load off her paws. “These cages look pretty sturdy, Brutus.”

“The hatch,” Brutus said, pointing at the hatch in the ceiling of his cage. “I’m sure Dooley could manage to wriggle through. He’s tiny.”

“I’m not tiny,” said Dooley, a little indignant. Though he was staring at that hatch and clearly wondering if Brutus was right.

“Those hatches only open intermittently,” I said. “Dooley would have to be very quick to launch himself through, and even then he might get stuck. And what happens if the hatch suddenly closes again?”

“I would be chopped in half!” Dooley cried.

“You wouldn’t get chopped in half,” said Brutus. “The worst that could happen is that you get stuck. Big deal.”

“But I don’t want to get stuck,” said Dooley.

“Yeah, but look at the bright side,” said Brutus. “If you succeed you could go and find Odelia and save us all. You’d be the hero, Dooley. And we’d all be very grateful.”

“I could give it a shot,” said Tigger. “I’m pretty small, too.”

He was. Small and red. A little like me, though I’m big and blorange, of course.

“Look, even if this works, and either Dooley or Tigger manage to squeeze through, they’re still going to be stuck in this room with no way out,” said Harriet.

“I’m sure there’s a way out,” said Brutus. “And if there isn’t all they have to do is wait until some human comes in and sneak out.”

“No humans ever set foot in here,” said Missy. “This seems to be some kind of self-contained system, fully-automated. Designed to operate without human interference.”

“So what’s going to happen if I have to wee-wee?” asked Misty. “I mean, I feel a wee-wee coming on just now, and I don’t like to wee-wee without my litter box.”

“Just wee-wee on the floor,” said Buster.

“No way!” said Harriet, clearly horrified by this unsanitary notion.

“Where else are you going to wee-wee?” said Buster. “There is no other way.”

“We could hold it in,” said Harriet. “I think I can probably hold it in for twenty-four hours, until Odelia comes and saves us.”

“Everyone knows that’s not healthy, Harriet,” I said. “Bad for your kidneys.”

“Odelia should never have left us with these Peppard people,” Brutus grumbled. “She should have done her due diligence instead of simply trusting that snake oil salesman.”

“You believed the snake oil salesman,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but I’m a cat, she’s a human. She’s supposed to be smarter than me.”

We all stared before us for a moment, thinking about our predicament, then suddenly I heard a tinkling sound followed by a satisfied little sigh. Misty had done her business and she clearly was relieved to have relieved herself. Then, after a beat, she said,“So now where do I sleep?”

All I could wonder was what would happen if I had to go number two.

Probably better not to go there.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Father Reilly was so glad to be back at his church that he clasped his hands together and raised his eyes heavenward to thank the Lord for looking out for him so very well.

He entered the church and walked along the nave when suddenly he thought he heard a sound. Almost like… a dog was lapping something up. It was dark inside the church, as he didn’t like to switch on the lights unless strictly necessary.

He glanced around, and then heard that strange sound again. Water rippling.

And then he saw it: near the baptismal font, half a dozen zombies were wrestling each other to dive head-first into the font!

The sight was so gruesome and horrifying that for a moment he stood frozen to the spot, then howled a terrified scream and ran.

But even as he was running, he suddenly was filled with righteous indignation. This was the Lord’s home! These zombies had no business defiling the House of Christ!

So he returned on his steps and picked up a chair and, screaming like a banshee, ran toward the feasting zombies while holding the chair aloft.

The zombies, though, if they were impressed by the on-storming priest, certainly didn’t show it. They simply went on bathing and drinking from the holy water.

And even when the priest hit one of the zombies on the head with the chair, the zombie merely shook his head and gave the priest a dirty look, then, as one zombie, they all stepped away from the baptismal font and began chasing after him!

And as he raced through his own church, he thought these zombies were a lot faster than Hollywood made you believe. Curse those Hollywood producers, he thought. They should have warned him that zombies could actually outrun their living counterparts!

Even before he’d reached the heavy oak doors, the zombie army had finally caught up with him and then they were all piling on top of him.

Yup. This was the end, all right.

Now he was going to turn into a zombie himself.

But instead, after roughing him up a little, they simply left him lying there and left.

So he just lay there for a moment, glancing up at the church ceiling. He saw Saint-Cecilia smiling down at him from her stained-glass window, and Saint-Joseph and even Saint-Peter. And as he waited for the transformation to take place, he soon realized no transformation was taking place at all.

And as he got up and dusted himself off and touched the black eye those ruffians had given him, he frowned. He fingered his face. No sores, no terrible skin. Nope. He hadn’t turned into a zombie.

And then he smiled and sank down on his knees.“Thank you, God, for protecting me from the zombie apocalypse. Thank you for not allowing them to turn me into one of their own.”

Praise the Lord. He’d been saved! It was nothing short of a miracle. And as a jubilant ecstasy suddenly filled him, he decided to spread the word. If he could be saved by his faith, so could others. And then he was off on his mission.

Chapter 26

“Max, look!”

I looked, and saw that Dooley had managed to open the hatch in his cage.

“It opened and so I thought I’d try to stick my paw in and it didn’t close.”

“Must be some sort of safety mechanism,” I said. “To prevent pets from getting hurt. Can you pass through?”

He stuck his head in and easily slipped through and was now on top of his cage.

“Yay,” he said. “I escaped!”

“Well done, Dooley,” I said.

“Now you try, Max. It’s easy. You start with your head, and the rest just follows.”

I wasn’t absolutely convinced of the wisdom of his words. Dooley is easily half my size, or even less, and that hatch didn’t look all that big to me.

“I’ll give it a shot,” said Tigger, and within moments he was out, too. Soon the others all followed suit, and even Harriet and Brutus managed to sneak through that hatch without a hitch.

They were all encouraging me to give it a shot, but unfortunately things had gone wrong from the first. I’d managed to pry open the hatch but the moment I put my head in I’d gotten stuck, and there was no way I was able to perform the rare feat they’d all pulled off with such practiced ease.

“You go on without me, you guys,” I said. “Get out of here and tell Odelia to come rescue me, will you?”

“Just a little push, Max,” said Harriet, as she grabbed hold of my head and tugged.

Brutus now joined in the escape attempt and tried to pry my head loose from its parent body.

“Ouch,” I said. “Easy with the claws.”

“How else can I get purchase?” he asked, quite reasonably too, I thought. Still, I could do without the acupuncture session.

In the end they had to admit defeat. My head might have gotten through all right, but the rest of my body refused to follow.

“I don’t understand,” said Dooley. “When your head fits, the rest should fit, too. That’s the rule.”

“Well, I guess I just broke the rule,” I said.

“It’s because Max has a weird body shape,” said Brutus. “His head is smaller than the rest of his body.”

“Look, just go,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

“It’s not his head that’s small,” said Harriet. “His head is quite big.”

“I didn’t say his head was small,” said Brutus. “I said it’s smaller than the rest.”

They stared down at me.“Mh,” said Harriet. “I think the problem is his gut.”

“Just go already!” I said, not comfortable being objectified like this.

“We’re not leaving you, Max,” said Harriet.

“You have to leave me,” I said. “I’ll be all right. I have plenty of food and water, and knowing you’re all safe and sound will get me through this ordeal.”

I’d managed to retract my head and was back inside my little cage, while my friends debated their next course of action. Finally they had to agree that leaving me behind was probably the best option.

“We’ll come back for you,” said Dooley, as he reached a paw into my cage and I touched mine against his. “I don’t like this, Max. I don’t like leaving you behind.”

“It’s just for a little while,” I said. “Now you go and get help. I’ll be right here waiting.”

Of course I was. What else was I going to do?

And then they were off, watched by dozens of pets. More pets had managed to squeeze through the hatches, but only the smaller ones. The big ones, like yours truly, were well and truly stuck, and would remain that way until the cavalry would show up in the form of Odelia.

I just hoped they wouldn’t be long, as I was starting to get a little claustrophobic in my temporary lodgings.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

“I really don’t like leaving him behind,” Dooley repeated. “I really don’t. Isn’t there something we can do to get him out of there?”

“Not unless you have a way of unlocking those cages, Dooley,” said Harriet.

“There has to be a way to get that mechanism to snap open,” said Brutus. “Maybe there’s a control room or something? A way to open those cages remotely?”

The large warehouse-type space where the cages were located was indeed monitored, with a camera in every cage. So it surprised Dooley that no one had dropped by to stop their escape attempt. Maybe no one was watching? Or the guard keeping an eye on them had gone for a bathroom break? Whatever the case, they had managed to get this far, and now all they needed to do was get out of the building and find their way home.

The small troupe of pets proceeded in the direction of a large bay door that was, of course, closed.

“There must be a button we can push,” Tigger said as they studied the door. It was enormous, and reached all the way to the ceiling, high and wide enough to allow a trailer to back up to be unloaded. And then Dooley saw it: there was indeed a large red button, only it had been installed at a convenient height for humans, not pets.

“There,” he said. “I’ll bet that button opens this door.”

They all looked where he was pointing, and agreed that in all likelihood that button wasthe button.

“But how to reach there?” asked Harriet.

“Can any of you jump that high?” asked Misty.

Unfortunately the pets in their present company were the smallest of the bunch. Brutus was, in fact, the biggest, but even he couldn’t jump that high.

“Maybe we can form a pyramid,” Missy now suggested. “We all stand on top of one another and the one on top should be able to push that button.”

“So who’s going to be at the bottom?” asked Brutus. They all stared at him, so he grumbled. “All right. I guess I’ll be at the bottom of this pet pyramid.”

“I guess me, too,” said Buster, who was a wiry but powerfully built cat, like Brutus.

So while Brutus and Buster braced themselves, the others all jumped on top, and soon formed a feline pyramid. Dooley was the last one to climb the furry pile of cats, and when he reached the top, sitting squarely on top of Harriet’s shoulders, he managed to reach the button and tap it!

There was a whirring sound, and the bay door started to roll open.

“We did it!” said Dooley. “Max would be so proud!”

They all watched as the door inched open, then slid underneath it and found themselves outside. They’d made it: they’d escaped Peppard’s Pet Paradise unscathed!

Suddenly they were surrounded by a group of men dressed in blue coveralls, all armed with nets. And before they knew what was happening, they’d been caught in the nets. A man materialized before them. Dooley recognized him as Fred Peppard himself.

“Well done, you guys,” he said. “Initiative, cooperation, derring-do. You just qualified yourselves for the next round of my experiment. You are, without a doubt, the nimblest and smartest of the bunch, and as a reward you get to enjoy the latest addition to the Peppard Pet Food Company’s nutrition program: Miracle Cure II, new and improved!”

And with a nod of the head, he gestured for his men to take the escapees back inside.

Oh, no, Dooley thought. It looked they’d just landed themselves in a real pickle. And the worst part: he and his best friend were now separated. He so did not like this!

Chapter 27

As Odelia exited the hospital she took out her phone and rang her dad. Oddly enough she couldn’t reach him, as the call went straight to voicemail. She then tried to reach Chase, but the same thing happened: no response.

Odd, she thought, but figured they were both busy.

And she’d just gotten into her pickup when suddenly what looked like a military truck blocked her exit and two soldiers jumped out, approached her and yanked open the car door.

“Please come with us, Miss Poole,” said one of the military men.

“Why? What’s going on?” she asked, greatly surprised.

“I’m sorry,” said the soldier, “but those are my orders. Please come now.”

She glanced in the direction of the hospital, and saw the secretary watching on from behind her office window. All she could think was that she must have called in these soldiers.

“Am I under arrest or something?” she asked.

“Please, Miss Poole,” said the soldier. “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” And he grabbed her by the arm to bodily remove her from the vehicle.

So she decided she better do as he said, and followed along. Taking her place inside the military jeep, she was quickly whisked away.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Chase was in Chief Alec’s office, which apparently was now his office, discussing the recent events with Charlene, when suddenly two soldiers burst in. They were both armed and looked like they meant business.

“Chief Kingsley? Mayor Butterwick? Please come with us, madam, sir.”

“What’s going on?” asked Charlene. “Where are you taking us?”

“For your own safety, you have to come with us,” said the soldier.

His colleague was more forthcoming.“The whole town is being evacuated, Madam Mayor. The entire population will be in quarantine for the unforeseeable future, and our orders are to take you to a temporary camp that’s being set up on the town perimeter.”

“You’re evacuating the whole town?” asked Chase. “Isn’t that a little… extreme?”

“We have no idea what we’re dealing with as of yet, Chief,” said the soldier. “So just to be on the safe side we’re locking down Hampton Cove. Now please come with us.”

And as they followed the two soldiers, Chase saw that all of his colleagues were undergoing the same fate: all of them were being escorted out of the building, and into waiting military trucks, to be taken to a destination unknown.

Dozens of trucks were parked along the road, and people were escorted inside by military personnel. Some people went willingly and gladly, others put up a fight. Resistance was futile, though, and eventually everyone was loaded onto the trucks.

“I don’t believe this,” said Charlene, once they were seated. “They could have told me what they were planning. I’m still the mayor, for crying out loud.”

“And I’m supposed to be the chief and they kept me out of the loop, too,” said Chase.

The military had taken over, and the civilian authorities had been shut down.

Chase took out his phone to call Odelia, but the moment he got it out, one of the soldiers snatched it from his hands.“No phones,” he said sternly, and pocketed the phone.

“But I want to call my girlfriend,” he said. “To know if she’s all right.”

But the soldier merely held out a hand for the Mayor to deliver her phone, too. Wordlessly, she handed it over.

Moments later, they were roaring away.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Marge was glad she was safe inside the library, but wondered how long those zombies would keep frolicking in her pond. She hoped they’d finally get tired and move on, but so far they didn’t give any indication of that.

And as she was watching on, a military truck suddenly stopped in front of the library, and men dressed in hazmat suits suddenly got down and approached the zombies. The men were all wearing protective masks and were armed. As they got closer to the zombies, they got down on one knee, raised their weapons, aimed, and fired!

The zombies all dropped down, and only now did Marge see that no bullets were used but darts of some kind.

“Tranquilizer shots,” said Mrs. Samson, who’d been following the entire sequence from the safety of the library, same as Marge. “They use it to tranquilize wild animals, and zombies, I suppose.” She glanced out at the people in the hazmat suits, who now carried the zombies to the truck, loaded them all up and moved on.

“Do you think they’ll come for us, too?” asked Marge.

And her words were still hanging in the air when a second truck stopped and two soldiers hopped down, then approached the library.

Marge quickly unlocked the door.“Thank God,” she said. “Thank you so much for getting rid of those terrible zombies. I didn’t dare open the door.”

“How many people inside the library, ma’am?” asked the first soldier, who looked young and buff and very authoritative.

“Just me and Margaret,” said Marge. “I had to close my doors because of the zombies.”

“Are you going to take us, young man?” asked Margaret now.

“Yes, ma’am, I am. Please come with us.”

“Oh, with pleasure,” said Margaret, well pleased.

“Where are you taking us?” asked Marge, a little surprised.

“They’re taking us to their barracks, of course,” said Margaret. “To do with as they please. That’s what nice soldier boys do to innocent women such as ourselves.”

“We’re simply going to put you in a safe place, ma’am,” said the soldier.

“Are you going to be there, young man?” asked Margaret as she held out her arm and the young soldier complied by hooking his arm through hers and escorting her out.

“Yes, as a matter of fact I am.”

“Ooh,” said Margaret, then suddenly stumbled. The young soldier effortlessly scooped her up and carried her off to his truck. She was pleased as punch. “Why, you’re so strong,” she cooed, touching his bicep appreciatively. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Moments later, the truck was off, and so were they.

“I like this, Marge,” said Margaret. “I like being abducted by these nice young men.”

Marge was happy for Margaret, though she wasn’t as relaxed about this so-called abduction as Margaret obviously was. She had a feeling this was not an abduction she was going to enjoy.

Chapter 28

Another portion of kibble was being dumped into my temporary home, but I didn’t even pay it any mind. Even from the smell I could already surmise I wasn’t going to like it. I had a feeling they kept trying different types of kibble, in the hopes they’d get some takers, but from what I could see, no one was even taking so much as a nibble.

Obviously they still had a long way to go to perfect their Miracle Cure kibble, and we were the hapless pets chosen to test their inferior product.

At least Dooley and the others had all managed to escape, and were now presumably on their way home, to warn Odelia of what was going on here.

I’d briefly wondered about those cameras, though. What’s the point of having a camera in every cage if you’re not going to watch the feeds and notice half a dozen cats escaping, along with a couple of rabbits and a bunch of hamsters and guinea pigs?

I’d plunked down on the floor of my cage, and was now staring through the bars, waiting for my rescue party to finally show up.

They’d come any moment now—I simply knew they would.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Dooley and the others had all been taken into a large space, a little less cavernous than the warehouse they’d been kept in before, and once again had been locked up in a set of cages, albeit considerably roomier than the last ones.

“I think we’ve just been upgraded,” said Harriet, who was clearly gratified to see that in the corner of her new cage a patch of litter had been placed where she could do her business.

“So they were monitoring us,” said Brutus. “They watched our every move, and anticipated our escape.”

“Yeah, it would appear so,” said Tigger sadly.

A helping of kibble had dropped down into Dooley’s cage and he took a tentative sniff. It didn’t even smell half bad, so he took a provisory nibble.

“Yum,” he said. “You have to try this new kibble. It’s tasty.”

“I’m not hungry,” said Harriet. “All this captivity has made me lose my appetite. I think I’m developing Stockholm Syndrome.”

“Stockholm Syndrome means you start getting attached to your captors,” said Missy. “Have you fallen madly in love with Fred Peppard, Harriet?”

“Um, not exactly,” she said.

“I think it’s PTSD,” said Shadow. “We’re all suffering from PTSD now. And probably will have to visit a shrink for the rest of our lives to deal with this terrible trauma.”

“No, I mean it’s really good, you guys,” said Dooley, as he gobbled up some more kibble. “I think we did the right thing by escaping. At least now they’re feeding us something edible.”

“So what is this place, exactly?” asked Brutus. “Some kind of psychological experiment?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” said Harriet. “All I care about is getting out of here.” She glanced up at the hatch through which the kibble dropped into their prison cell. “These hatches are a lot smaller than the ones in our previous cells.”

“Yeah, this time there’s no escape,” said Misty sadly.

“Almost like they wanted us to escape before,” said Shadow.

“I wonder what they want us to do this time,” said Brutus. He shoved against the bars of the cage but they didn’t budge. “Pretty solid steel cages. No way of escape this time.”

“No, but they’re really, really good,” said Dooley. “Just try. You won’t be disappointed.”

“Oh, can you stop eating already, Dooley,” said Harriet. “You make me sick with your constant chewing.”

Dooley abruptly stopped chewing, and swallowed the kibble whole. It was okay. He didn’t have to chew. He could simply gobble them down. “Yum,” he muttered. He might not have managed to escape, but there had been a marked improvement in their conditions, which was progress as far as he was concerned. He just felt for Max, who was still having to eat that nasty kibble. It wasn’t fair, he felt. It wasn’t as if Max wasn’t smart enough to escape, or fit enough. He was simply big-boned. And that wasn’t his fault.

So whoever was behind this whole thing clearly wasn’t fair. Otherwise they’d have allowed Max to escape, too, and they could have enjoyed this nice kibble together.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Gran had decided to head down to the office. At first she’d figured that throughout her entire pregnancy she’d better stay home and rest, but since losing her camera crew, and her doctor, she was bored. Besides, it wasn’t as if she was pregnant yet. Chris still had to send in his sample, and then Doc Clam had to do whatever it was that he did.

So she grabbed her purse and stepped out. It was only a short brisk walk to the heart of town, where Tex’s doctor’s office was located, and the fresh air would do her good. She’d taken a nap after Doc Clam’s sudden departure, her earplugs in and her eye mask on, and was feeling thoroughly refreshed.

It was probably those hormone cocktails Clam had been giving her. They made her feel fit as a fiddle. If she kept this up, she’d live to be a hundred-and-fifty, and she now wondered if Clam hadn’t merely unlocked the secrets of fertility, but also of eternal life.

As she walked down the street, she was surprised to find the streets completely deserted, not a single soul in sight.

No people, kids or even mothers pushing their strollers.

She frowned as she passed the park, and saw that even there no one was around. Usually some kids could be found playing in the playground, their mothers sitting on the nearby benches busily tapping on their phones, but today there was absolutely no one.

She didn’t even see any cats or dogs, which was also unusual.

She shrugged. Probably all busy someplace else.

She arrived at the office and walked in, loudly yelling,“Tex! I’m here!”

When her son-in-law didn’t immediately respond, she shoved open the door to the inner office and found that he wasn’t behind his desk, or examining a patient. In fact there were no patients, either, and the phone wasn’t ringing off the hook as it usually did.

Huh. Weird. Tex wasn’t one to play truant. The man had his faults—many, many, many of them, in fact—but tardiness wasn’t one.

She took a seat behind her desk and booted up the computer, then proceeded to play Solitaire for half an hour, after which time she was bored out of her skull again, and decided that if Tex couldn’t be bothered to show up for work, she didn’t have to, either.

So she grabbed her coat and purse and walked out again.

The day was sunny and bright, and a little stroll through town would do her good. She could do some shopping and then return home for another nap. Doc Clam had told her she needed to nap a lot, as those hormone cocktails were some heavy-duty stuff.

But as she reached Main Street she was surprised to find all the shops closed, and not a single person on the streets.

Huh. Creepy. Had someone decided to close down the town and neglected to tell her?

And then she saw it: a military vehicle had been parked in the middle of Main Street, and a soldier now descended. He was pointing a rifle in her direction, and said,“Zombie, desist!”

“What did you just call me?” she demanded heatedly.

“Frank, I found another zombie!” he yelled to what she assumed was his buddy.

“Well, just shoot it and get it over with it,” a voice sounded from inside the Humvee.

The soldier then aimed, and actually pulled the trigger!

She felt a projectile pass by her left ear, and shook her fist.“Hey, are you nuts? Aim that toy gun at some other joker, will you?”

“The zombie is still walking, Frank. I repeat, the zombie is still walking.”

“That’s because you shoot for shit. Let me have a whack at it,” said the disembodied voice, and then a second soldier appeared, also holding a rifle. He aimed at her, and shot!

Another projectile whizzed past her right ear, and this time she thought that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to make a run for it.

So run she did!

Chapter 29

When Odelia arrived at the camp, she was surprised to find that there were already hundreds, perhaps even thousands of people present. She saw tents, large and small, she saw soldiers patrolling everywhere, and she saw people she recognized as Hampton Covians standing huddled together, talking amongst themselves, and clearly wondering what was going on, same as she was. And just as she got out of the truck and was escorted past the fence and into the camp, another truck arrived, and her mom got off!

“Mom!” she cried, and joined her mother, who looked confused and disoriented.

“What’shappening?” asked Marge.

“Thank you so much, young man,” said Mrs. Samson as she was helped off the truck by a soldier.

“This has probably something to do with the zombie thing,” said Odelia. “The army must have decided to put the entire town in quarantine.”

“But why? We’re not zombies.”

“They don’t know that, do they? And besides, with every virus there’s an incubation period where you’re not really sick yet, even though you already have the disease.”

“I don’t feel sick,” said Mrs. Samson. “In fact I’ve never felt better in my life.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel sick either,” said Marge. “And I haven’t even been in contact with any zombies.”

“No, but I have, and you’ve been in contact with me, so potentially we could both have been infected.”

“I wasn’t infected,” said Mrs. Samson. “I would remember if a zombie had his way with me.”

“So why bring us here?” asked Marge. “Why not simply tell us all to stay home and not leave the house?”

“They have a better chance of containing the disease this way,” said Odelia. “And I’ll bet they will have rounded up the zombies, too, and put them in a different camp.”

“Yeah, I saw how they shot the zombies with tranquilizer guns,” said Marge.

“See? I think it will all be fine, Mom. They know what they’re doing,” said Odelia, as she hugged her mom. “This is all a little scary, but it won’t be long before we’re home again.”

“I don’t want to go home,” said Mrs. Samson, glancing at the soldiers. “I like it here.”

More trucks arrived at the entrance to the camp, and one of the people getting off was Chase. Odelia smiled as he walked up to her, and they hugged. She noticed Mayor Butterwick had been picked up, too, and wondered where the rest of her family could be.

“So they got you, too, huh?” said Odelia.

“Yeah, a little surprising, as I’m supposed to be chief of police now.”

“I guess civilian rank doesn’t have any meaning anymore,” said Marge.

“They probably declared a state of emergency,” said Chase, “and took over the entire town to prevent the disease—if that’s what this is—from spreading any further.”

“Have you seen Tex?” asked Marge now. “Or Alec? Or my mother?”

“No, I’m afraid not,” said Chase.

“I tried to call Dad but he didn’t pick up. And then they took away my phone.”

“Same thing here,” Chase grunted.

“I’m worried about my cats,” said Odelia now. “They’re still in that Peppard Pet Food place, and I promised to visit them tomorrow, but I don’t think this will be over by tomorrow.”

“No, I doubt it,” said Chase. “I have a feeling we might be here for a couple of days or even weeks.”

They glanced around at their new accommodations.“Looks like we’ll be living in tents for the time being,” said Marge.

“Oh, goodie,” said Mrs. Samson. “I love camping. It’s so exciting. You never know who might drop by your tent in the middle of the night.” And she set off in the direction of the nearest tent to check it out.

“Well, at least someone is enjoying herself,” said Chase with a smile.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Father Reilly had decided to head into town to spread his message of love and hope. The only problem was that there was no one there to receive it. The streets were all empty for some reason, and the shops closed up. But then suddenly a man dressed as a soldier walked up to him and he smiled. This man looked like he could use benediction.

“Blessings to you, my son,” he said warmly. “The answer is prayer. Pray and ask forgiveness for your sins and all will be well. And you’ll see that the Lord’s Benediction will wash over you like a warm bath and his love will heal you and save you from harm.”

The soldier, who was a young man, didn’t appear to be very responsive to the lessons Father Reilly tried to impart. On the contrary, he was eyeing him a little suspiciously, and barked, “Not one step further, sir. Stay right there.”

“Brotherly love is what we all share, son,” said Father Reilly. “Brotherly love. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Let me wrap you in the Lord’s embrace and share his message.”

“Sir, I’m warning you,” said the soldier. “Not one step closer.”

“I just want to give you a hug,” said the priest, holding out his arms and stepping up to the young man. “Let’s celebrate His love and hug it out. Share that brotherly love.”

But instead of brotherly love, the soldier pointed a weapon at him. There was a short puffing sound and when Father Reilly looked down at his abdomen, he saw that some kind of dart had been fired at him, and it was now stuck in his belly.

Almost immediately he started feeling weak-kneed, and then he was falling to the ground. The pavement rose up with surprising speed and smacked him in the face.

Oh, not again, he thought, as his eyes closed. And then he was lost to the world.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Alec, who’d decided to return indoors and wait out this annoying zombie invasion, had been reading his morning paper, his feet up on his coffee table, and was thinking that a man could get used to this kind of life. Maybe the Mayor had done him a good turn when she’d suspended him and told him to go home and stay there for the time being.

He’d worked his entire adult life in the service of Hampton Cove, until Hampton Cove had spat him out over some unsubstantiated piece of gossip. So maybe he should take the hint and officially announce his retirement?

He could even move south, and start a new life down in Florida. Though he doubted whether his pension would stretch as far as that.

Then again, he could open a camping site down there and rent to snowbirds.

And he’d just decided to take a nap when there was a loud knock on his front door.

“Not again,” he muttered, figuring it was those annoying neighborhood kids again, or some old harridan come to call him names.

So he decided to pretend he wasn’t home. After all, they couldn’t look in through his window as he’d replaced it with a piece of chipboard. When he heard a noise at the back, and saw someone trying to glance in through the window, he quickly ducked down.

After a while he figured the coast was clear, so he closed his eyes and went to sleep. After the night he’d had, he deserved a nice little nap. And soon he was dozing peacefully.

Chapter 30

You may or may not be aware of this, but cats have a great fondness for taking extended naps. In fact when we have nothing to do, we simply curl up into a ball and nap away to our heart’s content, which is what I’d been doing since my friends had escaped. I was awakened now by the sound of a click, and when I glanced over I saw that my cage had been opened. I didn’t waste time, therefore, to push it open further, and taste some of that sweet and delicious freedom I’d beenmissing.

Oddly enough mine was the only cage that had malfunctioned in this way, for the other pets were all still confined to their cages, most of them having followed my example and taking a nap.

I decided that somehow Dooley and my friends had managed to free me—perhaps they’d discovered the control room from where our cages were being monitored, and had pushed the right button corresponding with my particular cell and had released me.

I was certainly grateful, though I now wondered where I had to go to find the elusive exit to this place.

I decided to follow in my friends’ pawsteps, and headed for that big bay door I’d seen them open with their feline pyramid. Clever bit of thinking, I’d thought at the time, and even though I was all by myself, and it’s hard to form a feline pyramid by your lonesome, I figured I’d think of something.

I stared up at that big red button and wondered how I was ever going to reach there when I got an idea. Cats can jump pretty high, but they can jump even higher when they take a running leap. What if I simply ran up to the button, and jumped as high as I possibly could?

So I gave it my best shot. I took a running leap at the thing and got liftoff, sailing as high as I could, my paw reaching out to hit that darn button.

Unfortunately I’m one of those cats that are built for comfort, not speed, or even height, so I didn’t actually manage to hit my target.

But I was undeterred, and decided to give it another shot. The second time I flew in a little lower than the first time, and the third time I missed the button by a wide margin. And so I sat, puffing and panting, and looking up at that button, my holy grail.

And I would probably have gone for a fourth attempt when I suddenly saw an old chair lying in a corner of the warehouse. So I shambled over and gave it a tentative kick with my paw. It didn’t look like much, but it just might do the trick.

I dragged it over as best I could, then managed to put it upright. Jumping on top of it was but the work of a moment, and when I stood on my tippy-toes and reached as high as I could, stretching the old spine… I finally managed to slam that sucker!

The gate responded with pleasant alacrity, and then I was hopping down from the chair, giving it a fist bump in gratitude, and sliding under the door and into the open air, which felt like a balm. And I’d just opened my mouth and was taking in big gulps of refreshing oxygen, when a big man with a white goatee walked up to me and arrested my progress—and sense of jubilation.

“Well done, fat cat,” said the man, whom I now recognized as Fred Peppard himself. “I knew I could count on you to show me something truly remarkable. As a reward for a splendid performance you can now join test group number two.”

He gestured with his head, which at first I thought was a nervous tick, and the same woman I’d made the acquaintance of before grabbed me by the neck and carried me away.

So much for my Herculean efforts to escape!

I was carted off into another, smaller room, and locked up in a bigger cage. But this time I was relieved when I suddenly heard familiar voices welcoming me into their midst: Dooley, Harriet and Brutus, and of course the rest of our cat choir contingent, were all there to greet me!

We were reunited. And still prisoners of Fred Peppard’s creepy Pet Food Company.

“How did you make it out of there, Max?” asked Dooley excitedly.

“I thought you guys did that,” I said honestly. “My cell door suddenly clicked open and I thought you’d somehow managed to hit some button somewhere and release me.”

“No, we didn’t hit any buttons,” said Harriet.

“We have been twiddling our thumbs a lot in here,” said Brutus. “But I don’t think that counts as staging a rescue attempt.”

“What is this place?” I asked, as I glanced around. Whereas the other cage I’d been held in was located inside a large warehouse, this was just a plain room, one wall consisting entirely of cages, and several small gates located in the opposite wall.

“I have no idea,” said Dooley, “but the kibble in here is much better than the kibble in our old place. Here. Have a taste.” And he flicked a piece of kibble in my direction.

I caught it open-mouthed and munched it down. Dooley was right. This stuff was a lot tastier than the previous stuff.“Yum,” I said. So Peppard was capable of creating cat kibble after all.

“So if we manage to escape again we’ll get even better kibble you think Dooley?” asked Shadow.

“Yeah, I’ll bet we do,” said Dooley. “Each time we escape, conditions improve. Unfortunately,” he added, “there doesn’t seem to be a way to escape this new prison.”

I’d immediately noticed that the cages were more sturdy, of better design, and the opening through which kibble dropped in small enough only to allow a rodent to pass through. And cats may be many things, but we’re definitely not rodents.

Suddenly, there was a clicking sound, followed by another clicking sound, and I noticed how both mine and Brutus’s cages had suddenly been opened. We tentatively pawed them open further, then walked out.

“Hey, not fair!” said Harriet as she shoved against her own cage. “How did you do that?”

“I didn’t do anything,” I intimated. “It opened by itself.”

“Someone is playing games with us, Max,” said Brutus. “And I’m not sure I like it.”

He was right. We were being played by an unseen hand, though I had an idea the hand belonged to a man with a goatee whose image was on all Peppard pet products.

Suddenly the six little gates across the room swung open, and different objects appeared: four were plastic flowers, and the fifth and sixth were plastic rabbits.

Brutus glanced in my direction.“I have a feeling they want us to go after the rabbits, Max.”

“Yeah, too easy,” I conceded.

“So maybe do as they want? Or try the flowers instead?”

“I guess we better do as they say,” I said. “And then maybe we’ll get another reward.”

“Hey, don’t leave us here!” said Harriet. “Brutus, snuggle bug! Don’t leave me!”

“I’m not leaving you, snuggle pooh. I’m simply trying to get out of here so I can get help,” said Brutus, as he approached his mate and they shared a quick cuddle.

“I’ll be back,” I promised my friends.

“I know you will, Max!” said Dooley. “Go get them, tiger!”

And so Brutus and I both set paw for the respective rabbits.

We were literally going down a rabbit hole…

Chapter 31

Vesta had run into an alleyway. She didn’t mind soldiers but she did mind being shot at. When she looked back, she saw they were hot in pursuit, so she decided to hide in one of the dumpsters. With some effort, she managed to clamber into one, and settled in for the duration. The thing was stinking something real foul, but at least shewas safe.

What was happening to this town? Zombies chasing innocent women all around the park at night, soldiers taking potshots at senior citizens, and people running off and disappearing on her for no good reason!

“Wait till I tell my son,” she murmured. “He’ll throw you lot in jail so fast!”

The dumpster suddenly opened and someone peered in. But Vesta had taken the precaution of hiding underneath some pizza boxes and soon the dumpster closed again.

“Not in here!” the man shouted.

“Pass along,” Vesta muttered. “Nothing to see here.”

She waited a while longer, and then decided that the coast was probably clear by now, and carefully lifted the dumpster lid to peer out. Glancing left, then right, she saw that she was all alone in the alleyway, and climbed out of her hiding place.

“What are you doing?” suddenly asked a voice from underneath the dumpster. She was startled, but quickly recovered when she discovered the voice belonged to an old friend of the family: Clarice. The feral cat was munching on a fishbone and gave Vesta a curious look. She looked as ratty and mangy as usual, but at least she wasn’t equipped with a gun and wouldn’t try and shoot her.

“Am I glad to see you,” said Vesta, getting down and taking a seat. “Some guys dressed as soldiers tried to shoot me, can you imagine? I think this whole town has gone mad.”

“They weren’t dressed like soldiers. They were real soldiers. The town is overrun with them. They’re here to take care of that zombie problem you’re all facing.”

“Zombie problem? You mean…”

“Hampton Cove is on lockdown, and they’ve been carting people off to some camp, and shooting zombies with tranq guns.”

“Huh,” said Vesta, wondering if that was what they’d tried to shoot her with. “I don’t look like a zombie, do I?” she asked now, picking a stray banana peel from her hair.

“Yeah, you do, a bit,” said Clarice, “but then to me all humans look like zombies, and all zombies look like humans. You all look pretty much the same as far as I’m concerned.”

“Well, this is a fine mess I find myself in,” Vesta grumbled. “So the town is locked down, and all of my family, friends and neighbors picked up. Where does that leave me?”

“To be shot down as a zombie,” Clarice said. “Want a fishbone?”

“No, thanks. I have plenty of food at home, thank you very much.”

“Where are your cats?”

“Oh, they’re at some place called the Peppard Pet Food Company. Odelia took them there this morning so they’re quite safe.”

“No, they’re not,” said Clarice with a chortle. “That place is like a deathtrap for pets. They do all kinds of weird experiments. You’ll be glad if they make it out of there alive.”

“What do you mean, weird experiments?” she asked.

“Plenty of cats have passed through that place, and the stories aren’t pretty. They are subjected to all kinds of tests, act as guinea pigs for the Peppard Pet Food Company, and if they survive, their humans get free kibble for life, which isn’t a big gift, as their kibble tastes horrible.”

“But… why didn’t you tell Max and the others!”

“Nobody asked me!”

“Oh, crap. We better get them out of there before they get hurt.”

“No way, Granny. That place is like Fort Knox. No way in or out.”

“We’ll see about that,” said Vesta, a resolute look stealing over her face. She got up and started walking off. “Well? Are you coming or not?”

Clarice hesitated for a moment.“Oh, what the hell,” she finally said, and tripped after the septuagenarian.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

So I’d gone down the rabbit hole and I can safely say I came out the other side unscathed. Of course there was no rabbit to be found: the moment I entered the hole, the rabbit disappeared. On the other side another room awaited me, this one even nicer than the one before, with pictures of pets adorning the walls, and pet toys spread around. It started to resemble the room we’d entered when arriving in this so-called pet paradise.

“Well done!” a voice spoke over the intercom. I recognized it as Fred Peppard’s. “As a reward you can eat your fill of our very special Miracle Cure Pat? Delight.” And to show us he meant what he said, a hatch opened in the wall and a tray emerged carrying two cans filled to the rim withpat?.

Brutus and I shared a look, then shrugged.

“I guess it can’t hurt to have a bite,” he said.

So we approached the pat?, but even before we got there the tray suddenly slid into the wall again, and the hatch closed.

“What a dirty trick!” Brutus cried.

A set of lights had switched on above the hatch. They flickered at constant intervals. Soon I discovered there was a logic to the intervals, and so before a light switched on, I put my paw on it.

“What are you doing?” asked Brutus.

“Don’t you see? This place is one big test lab. They’re testing us all the time, and either rewarding us or punishing us. Now you do the same, and the food will reappear.”

“Oh, fine,” said Brutus. “Just tell me when.”

I studied the sequence, then said,“Now!” and Brutus put his paw on the light just before it flashed on.

“Excellent!” said the voice of Fred Peppard. “Now you can have your reward.”

And the pat? reappeared, this time sticking around long enough for us to enjoy a good helping. It tasted pretty good. Not the best pat? I’d ever had, but not bad either.

“I think they’re saving the really good stuff for later,” I said.

Behind us, a siren blared, and Harriet and Dooley came walking through their respective holes.“It was mice this time,” said Harriet.

“Mice and butterflies,” said Dooley happily. “I wanted to go after the butterflies but Harriet said we should probably choose the mice instead.”

“Prejudices,” said Brutus. “This Fred Peppard guy is full of cat prejudices.”

Dooley and Harriet proceeded to play the flashing lights game, and were rewarded with pat?, just like Brutus and me.

And just when we thought that maybe this was it, and they’d finally let us go now, another hatch slid open and another toy mouse appeared.

“I think the idea is to follow the mouse,” I said.

“What did I tell you?” said Brutus. “Prejudices. As if all cats like to chase mice.”

“I like to chase mice,” said Dooley. “I just don’t like to catch them.”

“I don’t like mice,” said Harriet. “Mice are nasty.”

“Let’s just do what the man expects,” I said.

And so we followed the mouse into the mouse hole.

I just hoped there wouldn’t be a mousetrap on the other side.

Chapter 32

Odelia and Chase walked up to the camp commander, who stood bent over a folding table, studying a map. They’d asked one of the soldiers to be taken to his commander, a colonel named Brett Spear, as they had important information on the zombies to share, and the soldier had complied.

“Yes?” Colonel Spear said without looking up. He was a large man with a perpetual scowl, a fleshy face and short bristly hair. “You have information about the creatures?”

“Yeah, first off, they’re not creatures,” said Odelia. “They’re simply humans suffering from some kind of disease. And if you can locate my father and ask him, I’m sure he’ll be able to tell you a whole lot more.”

“Your father is…”

“Tex Poole. Doctor Tex Poole. He was at the hospital before, where we brought one of these so-called zombies, but he’s gone missing since, and he’s not at the camp either.”

She was frankly worried about her dad, and also about her grandmother and uncle, who’d all gone missing and hadn’t shown up at the camp so far.

“I’m Chase Kingsley,” said Chase. “Chief of police. I would like to know what’s going on here.”

“Chief Kingsley, of course,” said the colonel, for the first time showing a modicum of civility. “Well, the moment we got the call we locked down the town, and started picking up civilians for quarantining purposes. We also picked up all the zombies we could find, and have them in a separate facility, being examined as we speak. As far as we can tell they’ve all been affected by some type of zombie virus, and until we know how fast the virus spreads, we’re going to keep your town on lockdown.”

“Are you sure this is a zombie virus we’re talking about?” asked Chase.

“Oh, yes,” said the military commander. “Just look at them. They’re zombies for sure. Now if you’ll excuse me…” He resumed his study of the map. Odelia saw it was a map of Hampton Cove and surrounding towns, and she assumed soon Happy Bays and Hampton Keys would be on lockdown, too, and then maybe the entire island of Long Island!

“Do you have any idea where my father could be?” she asked now. “He’s gone missing, and so have my grandmother and my uncle.”

“If they’re not here at the camp, they’ve managed to escape Hampton Cove before it was locked down,” said Colonel Spear. “Let’s hope they’re not carrying the disease, otherwise they’ll face some serious consequences.” And with these words of warning, the interview was over.

They were led out again by two soldiers, and Chase dragged a hand through his hair.“Do you think your dad, Vesta and Alec managed to get out of town?”

“No, I think they’re still here.”

“Don’t worry,” said Chase, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Sooner or later they’ll be picked up and brought here.”

“I just hope they’re all right,” she said. “And I hope my cats are all right, too.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about your cats. They can take care of themselves.”

She glanced beyond the gate, which was being guarded by armed soldiers, and hoped Chase was right. At least they would be fed and taken care of by Fred Peppard’s people.

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

The tests they were putting us through were a little silly, I have to admit. Flashing lights, hatches opening and closing, colored balls we had to shove into the right holes, cards we had to pick out of a lineup… Pet Psychology 101, but at a very basic level.

“Humans really think we’re pretty dumb, don’t they?” Dooley said at a certain point.

“Yes, they do,” I said. “Only the Pooles know how clever we really are. And that’s only because they can talk to us and understand us.”

At least we were rewarded each time we did something right, which, of course, was all the time. Of the other cats there was no trace, but I assumed they weren’t far behind in this gauntlet they were having us run through.

“When is this going to end?”’ asked Harriet. “And when were we going to be allowed to go home?”

“After three days, remember?” I said.

“At least Odelia is coming to visit us tomorrow morning,” said Dooley. “And then we’ll tell her the truth about this place.”

I didn’t really know what the truth was, though. What was Peppard’s big idea? How was testing us going to improve his kibble? Frankly I didn’t see it.

Finally we were allowed to take a breather in the playroom we’d been led into when we first arrived. I didn’t feel like playing, though, but I did like the sight of all of that delicious kibble, so I ate my belly full, and so did the others. And then Fred Peppard himself came walking out, just like before, and this time he was beaming with delight.

“You are some pretty clever kitties!” he said. “You belong to…” He studied a clipboard he was holding and frowned. “Odelia Poole. Huh. I guess I better give Miss Poole a call. Clever pussies like you who ace all of my tests are pretty rare. Pretty rare indeed.” An assistant had walkedin, and whispered something into Peppard’s ear. He rolled his eyes. “Oh, all right. Just let him in.”

The assistant walked out again, and when he returned a moment later, he was accompanied by none other than… Zebediah Clam!

“What is Gran’s fertility doctor doing here, Max?” asked Dooley.

“I have no idea, but I bet we’ll soon find out.”

“You idiot!” said Clam, shaking his fist. “You moron!”

“Nice to see you, too, Zeb,” said Peppard.

“Why did you release them? Why?!”

“Release what? What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you seen the news? It won’t be long before they’re on to us, you imbecile.”

“They won’t catch on,” said Peppard. “I made sure of that. And what the hell are you wearing?”

Clam was dressed in his customary black silk shirt and red leather tie.

“I’m running a client in town. Oldest pregnant woman in history,” said Clam dismissively.

Peppard grinned.“Of course you are.”

“Look, this has got to stop.”

“Trust me, it already has. I released the last batch last night.”

Both men now walked out, and unfortunately took their highly interesting conversation with them.

We all stared at one another, in shock.“So Clam and Peppard are working together?” asked Brutus.

“It sure looks that way,” I said.

“But how—what—why—”

Lots of questions, and so far not a lot of answers. But one thing was for sure: there was something very smelly about this whole operation. Very smelly indeed.

Chapter 33

Tex wasn’t happy. In fact it wasn’t too much to say that he was furious. He’d been pacing the small room he’d been locked up in ever since it happened, and had been placing an angry fist against the door and giving it a good pounding to show his discontent.

It wasn’t the way he was used to being treated, he meant to say. Usually doctors were treated with respect, they were asked for their opinions and the welcome mat was rolled out wherever they came. And now here he was treated like a criminal. It was an outrage.

Suddenly the door swung open and a large man dressed in military garb walked in.

“Doctor Poole,” he said in a gruff sort of way. “Sit down, please, sir.”

“I will not sit down until you tell me exactly what’s going on,” said Tex defiantly.

“Sit. Down,” said the man in a guttural growl.

Tex immediately did as he was told.

“It is my understanding you examined one of these zombies?” asked the man.

“Yes, I did, so what of it?”

The man stared at him, then took a seat.“My name is Brett Spear. Colonel Brett Spear, and I’ve been assigned to deal with this zombie outbreak. We have evacuated the entire town, and have all the zombies sedated and confined to a temporary medical facility.”

“My wife… my daughter?” he asked, stunned.

“All fine. There have been no casualties so far. Which is a good thing. So let’s make sure it stays that way. Now tell me everything you know about the zombies, doctor.”

So he told Colonel Spear everything he knew, which wasn’t much. But it clearly seemed to satisfy the military man, for he nodded once, and said, “I would like to ask you to work with us. I can use a man with your expertise.”

“Work with you?”

“Yes, we have several military doctors working around the clock to contain this thing—to find out as much as we can about the virus as quick as we can. Will you help us?”

He didn’t even have to think twice. Saving lives was his profession, and if he could save even one life by working with Colonel Spear it was worth it. “Of course,” he said therefore. “What do you want me to do?”

“Come,” said the colonel, and got up. “There’s no time to waste.”

[Êàðòèíêà: img_3]

Vesta had been walking for miles, Clarice by her side. She would have taken a car, but had a feeling the military wouldn’t take kindly to little old ladies—who might or might not be zombies—driving out of town. So she decided to leg it, with Clarice as her guide.

She wished now she’d paid more attention to the whole Peppard Pet Food thing when Odelia had mentioned it to her that morning. But who could have thought a couple of hours later Hampton Cove would be the scene of a zombie apocalypse?

“So how did you end up at the Peppard Pet Food place?” she asked.

“I didn’t,” said Clarice. “But I’ve heard plenty of stories of cats that did. Unfortunately cats can’t talk to their humans, the way Max and the others can, so they have no way of conveying the message that the place isn’t exactly kosher.”

“I should have listened to my granddaughter when she told me about this Peppard,” said Vesta now. “But I was so busy with my own stuff I kinda tuned it all out.”

“What stuff?”

“Oh, I’m trying for another baby. Which would make me the oldest mom in history.”

“And you think this is a good idea why, exactly?”

“Oh, don’t you start too, missy. It’s a great idea, all right?”

“I think it’s a crazy idea.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now where is this roadblock? I didn’t see no dang roadblock.”

“That’s because I led you right past it, remember? You’ve got to pay attention.”

Clarice had warned her that the town was locked down, with roadblocks set up along all the roads leading in and out of town. She knew a shortcut that would get them past them, though, and had been taking Gran through a patch of wood, then up a hill.

“Look, I’m having this baby and that’s final,” Gran said now. “End of discussion.”

“When this baby is ready for college she’ll have to pay for your funeral instead.”

“Don’t you worry about my funeral. I’m gonna live to be a hundred, possibly two hundred or even a thousand. Just you wait and see. This Doc Clam is a miracle doctor.”

But Clarice merely laughed, which wasn’t the response Vesta had anticipated.

“Are we there yet?” she grumbled. “My feet are killing me. If I’d known I’d go on a cross-country hike I’d have worn my sensible shoes.”

“Almost there,” Clarice announced. “Though I think you better hide behind that tree over there.”

“Why?”

“Because I said so, okay? Trust me, my ears are a lot better than yours, and so are my eyes.”

Grudgingly, Vesta did as she was told, and hid behind the tree indicated. Moments later, an actual tank trundled past!

“Jesus,” she said. “Are we at war or something?”

“Yeah, with the zombies,” said Clarice. “Coast is clear. Let’s move out.”

“Yes, sir,” Vesta grumbled.

Finally they arrived at the small semi-industrial zone that the town council had once designated fit for small business enterprises. There was a paper factory located there, several IT companies, and of course… the Peppard Pet Food Company.

“So how do we do this?” asked Vesta.

“Like I told you, this place is like Fort Knox. From what I’ve been told they’ve got it locked down pretty tight. The only way to get inside is either through the front door, which is not advisable, or through the staff entrance, but you need to badge in.”

“I don’t have a badge, you wise-ass.”

“I know you don’t, you old nag, so I suggest you get one. That one, for instance.” She was pointing to a man dressed in blue coveralls who’d just exited the building, whistling a tune, and looking happy that his shift was over. He was making his way to the parking lot, presumably with the intention of picking up his car and driving home.

“Go on!” said Clarice. “What the hell are you waiting for, slowpoke?”

“Oh, bite me,” Vesta grumbled, but made her way over to the man nonetheless. On her way over, she picked up a nice stick she saw lying near a tree, and as she walked up behind the man, beaned him over the head with the stick. She then yanked his badge from around his neck and put it around her own. Then, glancing back, she proceeded to drag the man’s body behind a car, so no one would notice.

“What did you do?!” Clarice hissed when she jogged back. “I told you to get his badge, not kill him!”

“I didn’t kill him. Just made him take a nap.”

“You’re a real piece of work, Vesta.”

“Oh, shut up.”

“No, you shut up.”

“Why do I have to do all the work, and you just sit there ordering me around?”

“Because I’m a cat and you’re a human. That’s how it works!”

Shaking her head, Vesta walked up to the door and held her badge against the security scanner. A voice sounded through the intercom.“Forget something, Brimley?”

“Uh, yeah—my lunchbox,” said Vesta, deepening her voice. When Clarice gave her a look that said, ‘Lunchbox? Are you kidding me?’ she gave her a ‘Shut up’ gesture in return.

The door buzzed, and she was in. Clarice hesitated for a moment, then followed her inside.

“Now what, genius?” asked Gran.

“They’ll be somewhere in the play section,” said Clarice. “Which is in the south part of the building.” When Vesta simply stared at her, she said, “Oh, just follow me!”

“You don’t have to be so rude about it,” said Vesta as she followed the ratty little cat.

“If you think this is rude, you haven’t heard me when I’m going good,” said Clarice.

“I don’t think I’ll stick around for that, thank you very much.”

“Through here,” said Clarice, and swept into a corridor that forked off the main thoroughfare. Soon they were in a different section of the building, and as Vesta glanced in through windowed doors, she could see different playrooms where pets were performing tricks.

“What is this place?” she asked.

“Beats me,” said Clarice. “I wouldn’t want to be seen dead in a place like this.”

“And yet here you are.”

“That’s because your cats have always been good to me, so I figure I owe them.”

Finally Vesta glanced in through a door and lo and behold: Max and the others were all seated on bean bags, casually watching a movie! The only thing missing was popcorn!

She carefully opened the door and peered in.“Psst!” she said. “You guys!”

“Gran!” they cried, and hopped down from the bean bags. On the screen the movieThe Secret Life of Pets was playing. Weird.

“I’ve come to save you!” said Vesta. “And I’ve brought my own guide!”

“Peek-a-boo,” said Clarice, poking her head in.

“Clarice!” said Max. “It’s so great to see you!”

“What’s going on here?” said a deep sonorous voice behind Vesta, and when she turned she found herself staring into the face of a white-bearded man.

His name tag read‘Fred Peppard—President and Founder.’

Chapter 34

“When this is all over that Pulitzer is ours,” said Jonah. “No doubt about it.”

“I very much doubt that,” said Libby. “Besides, we need to survive this thing first.”

“Oh, we’re fine,” said Jonah. “Plenty of food and supplies, and the longer this lasts, the more attention we will get. Do you realize we’re the only reporters inside the quarantined zone? This is our chance, Libby! Our big break! After this, we’ll have our pick of assignments. Just likethat reporter fromDie Hard. That Richard Thornburg.”

“You do realize that Dick Thornburg wasn’t exactly the most favorite character in the movie, right? He got his lights punched out by Holly Gennero for a reason. Twice!”

Libby and Jonah had managed, through some twist of fate, to stay out of the hands of the military when they were rounding up all of Hampton Cove’s citizens. They’d seen the takeover as it was happening, and had even managed to film big chunks of it, safely hidden in the bushes near Town Square. They’d seen how the zombies were shot and dragged off, and had gasped in shock, just like America would gasp in shock when they saw the images. All they needed to do now was smuggle that same shocking footage out of the town somehow. The military had, unfortunately, cut off all communications: no internet, no cell phones, no nothing. Lucky for them they had a key to the Poole place, and had been able to get at their stash of food and could even sleep in their own bed that night, while the citizenry slept in bunk beds in the makeshift military encampment.

“How long is this going to take, you think?” asked Libby as she handed the camera back to her colleague. They were staking out the camp now, and had even seen glimpses of their hostess Odelia Poole, and her mother Marge, behind the barbed-wire fence.

“Could be weeks or months,” said Jonah. “Who knows? Unless all of these people suddenly start turning into zombies, too, in which case they’ll go for a mass termination.”

Libby gulped.“You mean…”

“Yeah, mass killings, mass graves. And we’ll be right here filming the whole thing.”

“I’m not sure I even want to be here when that happens,” she said. She liked the Pooles, and had enjoyed their hospitality and their friendship. She even felt for them, what with their peculiar grandmother and her fertility obsession. And now this.

“We’re not here to judge, Libby,” said Jonah as he shoved a piece of gum into his mouth. “We’re simply here to observe and report. The eyes of the world will soon be on this town, unless they catch us, too. If that happens, no one will ever know, and the military will be able to carry out their plans with absolute impunity.”

“They’ve got to do something, Jonah. If this zombie epidemic continues to spread, it might take over the entire island, then the state, and then the country!”

“Oh, they’ll contain it, have no fear. They have experience with this sort of thing.”

“How do you know so much about all this zombie stuff?”

“Because I watch YouTube, silly!” he said. “And you should, too.”

Jonah was a conspiracy buff, and liked all those weird conspiracy websites where everything that happened, from the big news stories to the mundane, was turned into a conspiracy. Frankly Libby found the whole thing a little tiring, and had always wondered how Jonah could stand to watch that nonsense. But now, with this zombie thing happening, she had to admit that maybe there was some truth to his crazy theories.

“Too bad we can’t get any reception,” she said as she checked her phone again. “Otherwise we could transmit the footage now, and tell Lionel what’s going on.”

Lionel Noonan was their editor, and would be over the moon when he heard what they’d stumbled into down here.

“Let’s go back to the house,” said Jonah. “Nothing is happening and I’m starving.”

Careful to stay out of sight, they retreated from their position and started making their way back to town. They had to be careful and avoid military patrols, but apart from that it was all very exciting, Libby had to admit. Except for the constant fear that she, too, would turn into a zombie. But if that happened, Jonah had promised her, he’d make sure he got the whole transition on tape. And then bash her head in in a mercy killing.

A very comforting thought indeed.

They arrived back at the Poole house and snuck inside. It was weird walking down streets that were completely deserted, and past houses whose front doors were still open and where toys littered the front lawns. On the streets, children’s bikes lay immobile, and cars haphazardly sat parked in the middle of the road. Almost as if its occupants had all suddenly been beamed up, or disintegrated.

One moment the town had been teeming with life, and the next… nothing.

She walked up to the fridge when she saw a note stuck to it with a pineapple magnet.

‘Going to check out Peppard Pet Food Company. Suspicious activity reported by Clarice. Gran. PS: no one touch my hormone shake (the green bottle). I mean it!’

Libby smiled and saw that, indeed, a green bottle was in the fridge. In fact an entire collection of green bottles, and they all had a warning written on them:‘Do Not Touch! I’m not kidding!’

Yep. Grandma Muffin was not a lady to be trifled with. She took out a bottle of orange juice and took a sip, then wondered how Vesta had managed to escape capture by the military. And what she meant by suspicious activity at the Peppard Pet Food Company.

She vaguely remembered Odelia telling her something about her pets wrangling an invitation to enter some kind of testing program at Peppard’s, and now this.

“Jonah?” she said when her partner in crime ambled into the kitchen. “Look at this.”

Jonah read the note, and shrugged.“So?”

“Why would Vesta find it necessary to go to this Peppard place now, with this zombie thing happening? And who is Clarice?”

“Probably a friend of hers. Who cares? Vesta is obviously a nutcase.”

“I think she’s actually pretty clever. Eccentric, sure, but not a nut.”

Jonah was peering into the fridge and not liking what he saw.

“Wanna go over there and check it out?”

“No, I definitely don’t want to visit a pet food company, Libby. What’s the news value?”

“I’m not sure, but I’ve got this hunch.”

“You and your hunches. Remember you had a hunch Bill Gates was actually a woman named Jill?”

“Okay, fine. I dropped the ball on that one. But this time I’m sure there’s something there. Vesta wouldn’t go off on a wild-goose chase. She’s much too smart for that. I’m sure this is connected to the zombie thing.”

“And I’m hungry and I don’t want to risk going outside and running into a military patrol and getting locked up in that camp. Pretty sure the food is terrible in there.”

“Fine,” she said. “Then I’ll go by myself.”

He looked up.“Are you nuts? You can’t go by yourself. What if you get caught? Then I’ll be all alone out here, without my reporter. You know I can’t ad-lib, Libby.”

“So come with me. If it turns out to be nothing, no harm done. Besides, Vesta is still the main topic of our documentary, and we shouldn’t leave her side no matter what.”

“Yeah, as if that documentary will ever see the light of day.”

She made for the door.“See you later,” she said. “Don’t wait up.”

“Hey, wait!”

And then he was trailing after her. She smiled.“Can’t miss me, can you, pardner?”

“How am I going to win my Pulitzer without my trusty reporter?”

She rolled her eyes.“You’re a real prince, aren’t you, Jonah Zappa?”

“And don’t I know it.”

And then they were off, for another long trek through Hampton Cove. If nothing else, she would have lost at least five pounds by the time this assignment was finally over.

Chapter 35

“Fred Peppard! I had no idea you werethat Fred!” said Gran.

“Vesta Muffin. Long time no see!”

As we watched the reacquaintance taking place, I was actually relieved that Gran knew Mr. Peppard. Maybe she could talk some sense into him and make him set us free. I mean, it’s all well and good to play games all day, and be rewarded with some fine pet food, but at some point a cat just wants to be home and take a nap on his favorite couch.

“And look how old you’ve gotten!” said Gran.

“Not you, Vesta,” said Mr. Peppard. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

“Still the charmer, aren’t you, Fred?”

“Only when in the company of a beautiful woman like yourself. So what brings you here?”

“These are my cats,” she said, gesturing to the four of us. “So I figured I better check and see if you haven’t been mistreating them.”

“Oh, I would never hurt a pet, you know that. All I do is put them through our test program and give them some of the finest pet food as a reward.”

“Mh. Last time I saw you, you were selling life insurance door to door.”

“Yeah, well, last time we met you were still married to that crook what’s-his-name…”

She held up a hand.“Let’s not talk about he-who-should-not-be-named—may he rest in peace.”

“Oh, Jack died, did he?”

“Yeah, and good riddance, too. Can you believe he had the gall to cheat on me with my best friend—ex-friend now, of course?”

“Yeah, actually I can. Jack always was something of a scoundrel.”

“So were you, if I remember correctly.”

He laughed.“Oh, Vesta. Your tongue is still as sharp as ever.”

“Gran, ask him about Zebediah Clam,” I said. “He was in here just before you arrived, discussing something with Mr. Peppard.”

“Yeah, and he was very angry with Mr. Peppard, too,” said Dooley. “Calling him all kinds of names.”

“And while you’re at it, maybe you can tell him that the way he treats his guests stinks,” said Brutus.

“Yeah, locking us up in cages and making us jump through hoops all day long,” said Harriet. “I don’t like it here, Gran. This place sucks. He makes us work for our food!”

Gran, who’d listened but couldn’t reply, merely gave us an imperceptible nod. Her eyes glittered when she said, “I heard you and Zebediah Clam are pretty close? He’s my doctor, you see.”

Fred Peppard’s eyebrows shot up. “Your doctor. Is that a fact?”

“Yeah, he’s helping me get pregnant again. Fertility treatment.” Fred burst into raucous laughter, earning himself a dark scowl from Gran. “Oh, and that’s funny to you, is it? Well, thank you very much, Fred.”

“No, I’m sorry, Vesta,” he said, wiping away tears of laughter. “It’s just…” He laughed again. “Zeb told me he was working a client in town. If I’d known it was you, I would have told him to back away slowly and run for the hills.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” she asked, hands on hips now, eyes blazing.

“Zeb isn’t a fertility expert. He’s been conning you, Vesta, my dear. He probably knows just about as much about fertility treatments as me, and I’m just a salesman, as you pointed out.”

“He’s not a fertility expert? But I found his name in the medical file of this ex-friend I mentioned. This woman is my age and still on the pill.”

“All bogus,” said Fred decidedly. “Zeb may be a lot of things, but he’s no doctor.”

“But I saw his degree. It’s on his website.”

“Probably made it himself in Photoshop.”

“But his site is full of testimonials.”

“Must have written them himself.”

She was staring at the man, her voice having taken on a belligerent tone.“Then why the hell are you even involved with him, Fred?”

Fred shrugged.“He’s a businessman, same as me. He sees an opportunity to make some money, he grabs it, milks it for all it’s worth, then moves on.”

“I don’t believe this. He’s been feeding me hormone cocktails.”

“Probably sugar water. How much are you paying him?”

“Five grand, and another ten for the IVF.”

“Don’t let him fool you, Vesta. And I’m telling you this as a friend. The man is a crook, and he’ll simply take your money and skedaddle.”

She looked disappointed now.“But… he promised me I’d be the world’s oldest mom.”

“Yeah, well, what can I tell you? You’ve been swindled, and if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the first one either. I’m sure plenty of women fell for the guy’s hustle.”

“That rotten, no-good scoundrel!” she cried, shaking her fist. “If I get my hands on him!”

“Don’t tell him I told you,” said Fred. “I still have to work with the guy. We’re business partners.”

“You’re working with this damn crook?”

“The man talks a good game. He can probably sell eggs to a chicken.”

“He’s a louse, a maggot, a rat, a skunk, a dirtbag, a fungus and a douche,” she snapped. “I’m taking my cats, Fred. They’re needed elsewhere.”

“Oh, sure. I was actually trying to get in touch with you—though the contact person was listed as one Odelia Poole?”

“My granddaughter.”

“So Marge had a daughter, huh?”

“Yeah, she married a doctor.”

“Doctor? Nice. Listen, your cats are pretty special. Real smart. So I’d like to run some more tests and—”

“Sorry, Fred. No can do,” said Gran. Obviously Fred’s association with the louse, maggot, rat, skunk, dirtbag, fungus and douche Zebediah Clam didn’t sit well with her.

“But…”

“Come on, you guys,” said Gran. “Let’s get you out of here.”

“Well, it was sure nice to see you again, Vesta.”

“Likewise,” she said, but didn’t sound happy.

“Listen, try to steer clear of those darn roadblocks, you hear? The army seems to be all over the place all of a sudden. Good thing I’m right outside the town limits.”

“Yeah, I found a way around the roadblocks,” she said, giving Clarice a pointed look.

“That’s great. Oh, and please don’t tell Zeb I spilled the beans, will you?”

“I won’t,” said Gran. “But I can’t promise you will get your business partner back in one piece. In fact when I lay my hands on the son of a monkey it won’t be his lucky day.”

Once we were outside, Gran crouched down with some effort, then said,“And now tell me everything you know about our dear Doctor Clam.”

So we told Gran the whole story, from the moment we arrived at the clinic, and were locked up in metal cages, to the conversation we overheard between Fred and Clam. Her lips formed a thin line.

“I’m going to get that bastard,” she said. “I’m going to get him and make him drink his filthy hormone cocktails. Or better yet, I’ll give him an enema with his own concoction.”

“They’re clearly working together, Gran,” I said. “And it’s got something to do with the zombies, too.”

“Yeah, well. That wouldn’t surprise me,” she said. “Clam is a crook, and Fred is an even bigger crook. I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m going to find out. But first we need to get back to the house without being arrested, shot, or killed. So if you sniff out a military patrol, you tell me, all right?”

And then we were on our way back to town.

“So how did you find us, Clarice?” asked Dooley.

“Oh, easy,” said Clarice. “I’ve heard so many horror stories about this Peppard Pet Food place over the years that I decided to give your gran a helping paw.”

“You knew about this place and you didn’t tell us?” said Harriet,

“You never asked, all right? Besides, when something looks too good to be true, like free kibble for life? It’s because it probably is.”

“Yeah, we learned our lesson,” said Dooley. “Fred Peppard is not a nice man. And his pet food paradise isn’t a pet food paradise at all.”

“At least you got out of there with your health and your sanity,” she said. “I once knew a cat who was never the same again after passing through Peppard’s program. She couldn’t stop chasing fictitious rabbits down fictitious rabbit holes and kept seeing flashing lights she had to put out. Sad.”

We’d climbed an incline and Gran glanced in the direction of town.

“We need to watch our backs from here on out,” she announced.

“Maybe we should move in the other direction?” I said. “Go to Happy Bays instead and warn people about what’s going on here?”

“I’m not leaving my family behind, Max,” said Gran. “No way. And I’m not going to be scared off by a couple of so-called zombies and a couple of idiots dressed up as soldiers.”

“Who’s that?” asked Brutus suddenly.

We all looked in the direction he was pointing.

It was a zombie, and he was coming our way!

Chapter 36

In the camp, dinner was served. It was a sober affair, and not exactly a feast. In fact the only thing on the menu was some kind of slop that could have been meat, more slop that could have been potatoes, and a third kind of slop that probably were vegetables.

They were seated at long wooden tables inside a khaki-colored tent, and the atmosphere was downcast. Odelia and her mom and Chase were seated together, but she couldn’t stop worrying about her dad, her uncle, her grandmother, and her cats.

“How long is this going to take?” asked Marge. “How long before we can go home?”

“No idea, Marge,” said Chase.

“I wonder what happened to Gran,” said Odelia. “And Dad. And Uncle Alec. Is it possible there’s more than one camp? That they were taken to another one?”

“I don’t think so,” said Chase. “As far as I can tell the other camp is for the zombies, and they’re probably treated a little differently than we are.”

“You mean their food is worse than ours?” said Marge. “I find that hard to believe.”

They ate in silence, as did most people. Suddenly a woman started screaming,“Zombies! It’s the zombies! They’re attacking us!”

But as they looked around, there was no sign of any zombies anywhere.

“People are losing it,” said Marge. “They’re seeing zombies everywhere.”

“I don’t get it, though,” said Odelia. “If these really were zombies, wouldn’t they have made more casualties? As far as I can tell these are pretty peaceful zombies, only interested in attacking bodies of water, not actual human bodies.”

“Yeah, if they’re zombies, they’re the weirdest zombies I ever heard of,” Chase agreed.

“I just hope Alec is all right,” said Marge, “and your grandmother. And Tex.”

The worst part about being confined inside a camp like this, without a phone and any other means of communication, was the lack of information. They had no idea what was going on outside, and no way of knowing what had happened to their loved ones.

Dan Goory approached and bent down to whisper in her ear,“I hope you’re taking notes. When this is all over I’m putting out a monster edition of theGazette. Pun intended.”

“If this will ever be over,” she said.

“Oh, now don’t you go all Debbie Downer on me, honey,” he said with a smile. “Of course this will be over at some point. They’ll simply get rid of all the zombies and soon life will be back to normal. With a monster circulation of theGazette as a consequence.”

He patted her on the back and was off to get a second helping of the triple slop.

“At least someone is looking at the bright side of this mess,” said Chase.

“Dan is a newspaperman. And a newspaperman recognizes a chance to make headlines when he sees it,” said Marge. “Speaking of which, what happened to Libby and Jonah?”

Odelia had to admit she’d completely forgotten about Doctor Clam’s television crew. “And what happened to Doctor Clam?” she said. “I haven’t seen him around either.”

Lots of questions, and no answers. For a reporter it was not a fun time!

Then again, maybe Dan was right, and she should start taking notes. She could interview people at the camp, and start working on a series of articles about the day the zombie apocalypse touched down in her town.

At least it would take her mind off things.

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“Get behind me, you guys,” said Vesta. “I’ll give this zombie a poke in the snoot if he comes any closer.”

She’d picked up a tree branch and was ready to hammer the zombie until he thought better than to attack an innocent and sweet old lady out for a walk with her five cats.

“Excuse me!” said the zombie. “Um, can you please tell me where I am?”

It was the first time Vesta had ever heard of zombies actually talking, but she wasn’t going to let a minor detail like that diminish her vigilance.

“Not one step closer!” she yelled. “I’m warning you! I have a weapon and I’m not afraid to use it!”

The zombie hesitated. He looked just like all the other zombies she’d seen on the television: really bad skin and a staggering gait. Though he did look a little more intelligent than his brain-devouring buddies. In fact it wasn’t too much to say that he looked keen to make her acquaintance. “Um, I’m sorry,” he said, halting in his tracks. “I seem to have gotten lost somehow. So if you could please point me in the direction of the nearest town, I could call my wife and ask her to come pick me up. Or if I could borrow your phone for a second? I seem to have misplaced mine.”

“Your wife? What are you talking about?”

This was the first she’d heard of a zombie asking to call his wife. Then again, even zombies had wives and husbands, presumably. Zombie wives and zombie husbands.

“Well, I seem to find myself in something of a pickle,” the zombie explained. “I remember being dropped off at the clinic, but then I seem to have lost a chunk of time until I woke up just now, feeling a little disoriented, and frankly a little dizzy, too. I don’t think I’ve eaten for a while.” He took another step closer.

“Oh, no!” she said, heaving that tree branch higher. “You’re not coming anywhere near my brains, you zombie!”

“Brains?” He laughed. “Oh, but I’m not interested in your brains, ma’am. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever eaten brains in my life.” He shivered. “I don’t think I’d like it. But I could go for a nice burger, or even a slice of pizza and a mega-sized Coke to wash it all down.”

She lowered the branch. This was some weird-ass zombie.

“Be careful, Gran,” said Harriet. “It’s probably just a trick to make you lower your guard. The moment you drop that stick he’ll pounce on you and scoop out your brains!”

Gran raised her makeshift weapon.“Do you have a name?” she asked, starting to think this dude might not be as zombieish as the rest of them.

“Ned,” he said. “Ned Gorecki from Milwaukee. If I could just call my wife Marla and ask her to come pick me up, I’d be much obliged. Pretty sure she’s worried sick by now.”

“I don’t get it. If you’re from Milwaukee, what the hell are you doing on Long Island?”

“I’m still on Long Island? That’s good to know. Well, a friend of mine tipped me off about becoming a medical volunteer. Said there was this clinic looking for volunteers and they were offering eight thousand dollars a week. And since the Gorecki family bank account is in a bad way right now,I figured I might as well give it a shot. So I applied and was immediately accepted into the program, which started on a Monday.” He frowned. “What day is today, by the way? I seem to have lost track of time completely.”

“Friday,” said Gran.

“Oh, my. That means I lost an entire week. How peculiar.”

Gran was starting to get an idea of what was going on here.“You don’t happen to remember the name of this clinic, do you?”

“Oh, yes, of course. Um, ClamPep Laboratories. They run these programs all the time, mainly for the big pharmaceutical companies, but for smaller players, too. This one was for a company called Zephyr Industries. Pharmaceutical solutions. But like I said, I seem to have lost an entire week since the program began, but I suppose it must have ended, for I woke up at the foot of this little hill, with no recollection of the last couple of days.”

“Are you by any chance very, very thirsty?” she asked.

“Oh, I’m parched,” said Ned. “Absolutely parched. In fact the first thought that passed through my mind when I woke up just now was where to find something to drink.”

“The ocean is that way,” said Gran, pointing in the direction of Hampton Cove.

“Oh, thank you so much!” he said. “Maybe I’ll make my way over there and dunk my head in the water. All I seem to be able to think about is plunging in and soaking it up.”

“Ocean water is briny, though,” said Max. “He won’t be rehydrated if he jumps into the ocean.”

“No, he won’t,” said Gran, “but he doesn’t mind. All he wants is water—any water.”

“Um, who are you talking to?” asked Ned.

“No one. Listen, buddy. That’s a fascinating story you just told me, and it sure answers a lot of questions about what’s been happening in my town lately. Would you mind accompanying me into the next town and telling the same story you just told me to the police over there? I’m sure they’d be very interested in what you have to say.”

“The police? But why?”

“Because I think you were bamboozled, same way I was bamboozled by this ClamPep Laboratories of yours, and the same way my cats were bamboozled.”

“What’s bamboozled, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Cheated,” said Max.

“I think mistreated is a better word,” said Harriet.

“Screwed over, I’d say,” said Clarice.

“Yeah, royally screwed,” Brutus grumbled.

“So the zombies… aren’t really zombies at all?” asked Dooley.

“No, they’re just people,” said Max, “and victims of some medical experiment.”

“Oh, dear,” said Dooley. “That’s not very nice.”

Just then, two more people appeared on the horizon. They weren’t military, Gran saw, but her television crew. She waved them over, and when they’d joined her, Jonah huffing and puffing and Libby’s cheeks red from the exertion of the long hike, she said, “I want you to interview this gentleman and get his story on tape, okay? And then we’re all goingto the police in Happy Bays to file a complaint against Fred Peppard and Zebediah Clam.”

“A zombie!” said Jonah. “Cool!”

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said Ned. “Why does everyone keep calling me a zombie?”

Gran handed him a little pocket mirror and the man took one look at his face, squealed something fierce then dropped it.

“I’m a zombie!” he said. “What did they do to me!”

“Oh, bummer,” said Jonah. “He’s not a real zombie, is he?”

“No, he’s just a dude from Milwaukee,” said Gran, “who’s been royally screwed over,” she added with a wink to her cats.

So Jonah pointed his camera at Ned Gorecki, Libby cleared her throat, and then the poor guy repeated his story for the camera, the building of Fred Peppard’s Pet Food Company in the background. Or, as it was apparently also known, ClamPep Labs.

Chapter 37

Libby and Jonah had finished their interview with Ned Gorecki, who kept smacking his lips until Libby had the good sense to offer him her water bottle. He drained it in one glug-glugging motion, then, when Jonah offered him his, poured it out over his head.

Yep, the man was parched, all right.

We started on our long trek into the next town, and when a car passed and pulled over, Gran quickly made her way over, hoping to catch a ride.

Suddenly, before our very eyes, she went berserk! She started screaming at the man, then tried to drag him out of the car and slapped his face repeatedly, while he fended her off until he managed to slam his door and was gone, tires spinning and kicking up dust.

“Come back here, you scum!”

And as he passed us, I saw that the driver was none other than… Doctor Clam!

“I don’t think Gran will become the oldest mother in the world, will she, Max?” asked Dooley.

“Doubtful,” I agreed. “She might become the oldest woman in the world to kick a con man’s ass, though.”

“Hey, that was Doctor Clam!” said Ned suddenly as he stared after the car, which wasn’t going to Hampton Cove, but the other direction instead. Doctor Zebediah Clam was probably feeling the heat his medical experiments had wrought.

“You know that guy?” asked Libby.

“Oh, sure. He’s the doctor in charge of the medical side of the program. He measures out the dosages and decides which drugs we all have to take. He’s a real medical genius.”

“Yeah, a real genius,” Jonah echoed acerbically, then hoisted his camera back on his shoulder and pointed it at the hapless zombie. “Please comment on Doctor Zebediah Clam, Mr. Gorecki. How would you describe him and his role in the medical program?”

And then he and Libby were off for a short addendum to their original interview.

We took the road that leads from Hampton Cove to Happy Bays, our neighboring town. It wasn’t a long trek, all things considered, and when we finally arrived in town, people all stared at the strange procession of an old lady, two reporters, a zombie, and five cats. Clarice had decided to tag along, seeing as her schedule was clear, and she had a vested interest in ridding our town of the zombies, since a town without people is also a town without food being dumped in dumpsters, her preferred source of nourishment.

We arrived at the Happy Bays police station, and walked in. A nice lady with pretty cornrows greeted us cordially, and escorted us to an interview room after listening to Gran’s harangue.

Moments later, a gangly police officer arrived, sporting a prominent and very mobile Adam’s apple, and introduced himself as officer Virgil Scattering.

He cleared his throat noisily, stared at the zombie for a moment, then took out pad and pencil and sat poised for further developments.“So you, sir, are a zombie?” he asked.

“Not a zombie,” Gran corrected him. “Ned here has been duped by a malicious lab run by a fake doctor who turned him into a zombie and set him loose on the streets of my town, which is now on lockdown because of this so-called zombie invasion.”

The officer gulped.“So… you admit that you are, in fact, a zombie, sir?” he asked.

“No, I’m not a zombie,” said Ned. “Though I am very thirsty. Could I have some—”

“Brains?” asked Officer Scattering nervously. “No, you can’t. I still need them.”

He didn’t look like he had a lot of brains to dispense with, but when it was finally established that Ned just needed water, the officer obliged and got him some, which Ned sucked up like a sponge. The man could probably drink his body weight in water.

“So when did you first decide you wanted to become a zombie?” the officer asked.

“Look, I’m not a zombie, all right?” said Ned, starting to get a little annoyed.

“But you look like a zombie,” Officer Scattering pointed out, aptly drawing a doodle on his notepad of a zombie having his head bashed in with a big baseball bat.

“I may look like a zombie, but that doesn’t make me one, all right?” said Ned, quite correctly, I thought.

“We have a strict rule about zombies in this town,” said Officer Scattering. “And the rule is that we don’t allow them. Zombies create more zombies, and before you know it the whole town is overrun with them, and then the military come in and the whole thing becomes a mess. So I would simply advise you to go home, which presumably is the graveyard you were buried in when you died, and please don’t come back here.”

“But I’m not dead!”

“You look dead to me, sir.”

“I’m telling you, I’m not a zombie! I’m the victim of a malicious medical experiment!”

“Well, that I can believe. Nevertheless. You died, then decided for some reason to return from the dead, and now I have to advise you to return to the safety of your coffin.”

“But—”

“Leave life to the living, Mr. Zombie. And return to your dead.”

“But I—”

“Much simpler that way. Cleaner, if you see what I mean.”

“But I’m not a zombie!”

“A living dead person, then. Or an undead person? A walking dead?”

“My name is Ned Gorecki.”

“Oh, so you have a name!” said the officer, jotting this down in his notes.

“Of course I have a name! Just like you have a name, and this gentleman with the camera over here has a name, and the old lady over there—just like we all have names!”

Ned was getting a little worked up, I could tell, and no wonder. The cop wasn’t making things easy for him.

“The thing is, sir,” said Officer Scattering, clearing his throat noisily, “and I’m going to be absolutely frank with you here. Put all my cards on the table. I’m not an expert on zombies. I don’t even watch your show, to be honest. Too gruesome for my taste. But by all means, I salute you on your success. People love your show, and good for you.”

“Look, can you just take his statement?” said Gran. “Without all the gibberish about zombies? Ned wants to file a complaint against Fred Peppard and Zebediah Clam of ClamPep Laboratories. And while you’re at it, you better talk to my son over in Hampton Cove, and tell him—”

“Is your son a zombie, too?”

“No, he’s not,” said Gran, gritting her teeth a little.

Officer Scattering returned his attention to Ned.“Did you bring any of your zombie friends? Because I have to tell you that Chief Whitehouse is not going to be happy about this visit. Like I said, we have a strict no-zombie policy in this town. Very strict.”

“Look, isn’t there someone else we can talk to? This Chief Whitehouse, maybe?”

Officer Scattering smiled a deprecating little smile.“Oh, no. No, no, no. The Chief doesn’t deal with minor matters like this. The Chief only deals with murders and such. Now if your zombie had murdered someone—have you murdered someone, Mr. Zombie?”

“This is insane,” said Ned, shaking his head.

“I agree,” said the officer. “Which is why I never watch your show. Too much crazy.”

The door opened and a large man with a jowly face, a deep scowl and a bristly buzzcut stuck his head in.“What’s all this nonsense about zombies?” He took one look at Ned and his frown deepened. “We don’t condone zombies in Happy Bays, sir. So I suggest you go right back to where you came from and be real quick about it, too.”

“I am not a zombie!”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say.”

Lucky for us Gran didn’t lose her cool. In a few short words she explained to this Chief Whitehouse what was going on in Hampton Cove, and to his credit the man finally grasped the urgency of the situation and got on the phone with the proper authorities.

We were all transferred to his office, much to the disappointment of Officer Scattering, who seemed to have enjoyed his interview with a zombie, and as we watched, Chief Whitehouse talked to the County Executive, then the Governor, and finally some colonel called Brett Spear.

Finally, when he hung up and placed two large hands on his desk, he said,“I think I’ve got it all straightened out. This colonel said the zombies are starting to wake up, and some of them have come to their senses, just like Mr. Ned Gorecki here. He’ll have your Fred Peppard picked up, and your Zebediah Clam, and take a good hard look at ClamPep Laboratories. I want to thank you, Mrs. Muffin, for bringing this matter to my attention.”

“My son speaks very highly of you, Chief Whitehouse,” she said. “And now I can see why. You are a credit to your community and a man after my own heart.”

Rare praise from the lips of a person as crusty as Gran, I thought. But she was right.

“Chief Alec and I have been friends for many years,” said the Chief, leaning back, “and I can honestly say this is the first time one of his cases has spilled over into my town. Yes, Virgil, what do you want!” he boomed when Officer Scattering’s face popped up in the Chief’s office doorwindow for the third time in the space of under a minute.

Virgil opened the door and handed the Chief a baseball bat.

“What the hell is this?” asked the Chief.

“A baseball bat, sir. In case you want to take care of the zombie. A good quick hit on the top of the head should do the trick.” He smiled. “I looked it up on the internet. Bashing a zombie’s brains in seems to be the best way to deal with them. Sad but true.”

“I don’t believe this,” said the Chief, shaking his head.

“It’s all in the wrist, sir,” said Virgil, demonstrating his skill.

“I’m not a zombie!” Ned screamed.

“Of course not, Mr. Zombie. Of course not.”

I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time someone mistook Ned for a zombie. At least until he got rid of that extreme rash.

Epilogue

It was barbecue time at the Pooles, and Tex was manning his grill like nobody’s business, distributing patties and sausages left, right and center. In fact there was no human, animal or zombie who didn’t get a piece of meat from the grill maestro.

Life in Hampton Cove had finally returned to normal, the camp had been closed down, the curfew and quarantine measures lifted, and the tanks rolled back to their military barracks where they would remain until the next zombie invasion broke out.

Doctor Zebediah Clam and Fred Peppard had been arrested, and the remaining patients of their ClamPep Labs released. Turns out they offered their services not just to companies wanting to test their dodgy products on humans, but on pets, too, and we’d been lucky that on the day we were admitted to their testing facility, only an innocent behavioral study had been conducted, and not a more deleterious application.

The zombies had all recovered from their ordeal, and no longer looked like zombies at all. Ned Gorecki had returned to his wife and family in Milwaukee to what I hoped would be a long and happy life.

Harsh words had been spoken about the rash decision to put Hampton Cove on lockdown, and the report Libby and Jonah had put out had stirred up a media storm.

All in all, though, all was well that ended well, and five cats and five humans enjoyed a nice balmy day in the Poole backyard.

“I can’t believe you slept through the whole thing!” said Odelia.

“Yeah, I guess being suspended has its advantages,” said Uncle Alec, filling his plate with relish. “I only woke up when the tanks rumbled past my house, on their way out of town.”

“Maybe it was a good thing,” said Marge. “It wasn’t much fun being in that camp.”

“It wasn’t a lot of fun being in that zombie camp,” said Tex. “Especially since no one was allowed near the zombies, who were considered highly infectious and dangerous.”

“A toast,” said Chase, raising a bottle of beer. “To the heroine of the hour. Maybe not the oldest mother in the world, but definitely the person who saved us from the zombie apocalypse. Vesta Muffin!”

“Oh, you guys,” said Vesta as glasses were raised in her honor. “It was all a big coincidence, really. If I hadn’t been chased by those soldiers who thought I was a zombie and who tried to shoot me, I’d never have hidden in that dumpster and met Clarice, and she would never have shown me the way to Fred Peppard’s place.”

“You saved the day, Gran,” said Odelia. “And I think that calls for a celebration.” She planted a big kiss on her grandmother’s cheek, and it was obvious the old lady was pleased as punch.

“The best thing happened this morning,” said Gran. “When I ran into Scarlett Canyon at Rory Suds’s pharmacy, and I told her that her doctor is a quack and now in jail. You should have seen her face! Turns out Clam had been selling her fertility shots and she’d been injecting herself for months now, believing his lies, same way I did.”

“Injecting herself with what?” asked Marge.

“Snake oil, probably,” said Chase.

“Rory had one of her dosages tested—turns out he gave her an innocent saline solution. Costs cents on the dollar and he sold it to her for three thousand a pop.”

“That man has no shame,” said Marge, shaking her head.

“So do zombies exist or not?” asked Dooley now.

“Pretty sure they don’t,” I said.

“Yeah, pretty sure there are no zombies,” said Brutus.

“At least one good thing has come from all of this,” said Harriet. And she gestured to the bags of cat kibble piled high on a corner of the deck. It was part of a larger shipment. The entire contents of the Peppard Pet Food Company’s warehouse had been distributed free of charge amongst Hampton Cove’s pet owners, since it was their pets who’d suffered most at the hands of the company’s owners, and so now we had pet food for life.

“I don’t think it’s actually for life, though,” I said. “Not really. Those pellets have an expiration date, and if we don’t eat them real quick they’ll just end up in a dumpster.”

“Which is good news for me,” said Clarice. “You can say many things about Fred Peppard, but not that he doesn’t know how to make some really tasty pet food.”

“Yeah, at least in that respect he wasn’t a charlatan,” I agreed.

“But if zombies don’t exist,” said Dooley, still following his own train of thought, “what about vampires? Or elves or leprechauns or gnomes or goblins or gremlins?”

“All these mythical creatures don’t actually exist,” I said.

“Though wouldn’t it be nice if they did?” said Harriet dreamily. “Life would be so much fun!”

“Who cares about fun?” Clarice grumbled. “Just give me a nice juicy rat from time to time, that’s all the fun I need.”

I shivered. Not exactly my idea of fun. Then again, all creatures on God’s green earth are different, and that’s what makes it so fascinating to be alive. This past week alone we’d met zombies and cats and dogs and hamsters and guinea pigs and even turtles, and all of them had enriched our lives in some way. Well, maybe not the zombies. They were a little gruesome to look at. Lucky for us they had proven fake zombies in the end.

Clarice wandered off in the direction of the grill, where grill master Tex could always be relied on to dispense a few patties to anyone who cared to open their mouths, and Harriet and Brutus snuck through the opening in the hedge for a nap—or nookie?

“I still think zombies exist, Max,” said Dooley. “I just don’t think we met the right zombies.”

“And let’s hope we never do, Dooley,” I said. “I don’t think we’d enjoy the experience.”

“Maybe we would. Zombies lead a simple life: all they care about is their next meal. Like cows.”

“I’d rather meet a cow in a dark alley than a zombie, though,” I admitted.

Then again, the chances of meeting a cow in a dark alley were decidedly slim. But then so were the chances of meeting a zombie.

All in all I was glad this adventure was over. And just as I’d closed my eyes and was starting to fall asleep, suddenly a zombie came crashing through the bushes and alarmed us all.

“Save yourselves!” the zombie cried. “Save yourselves from the zombie apocalypse!”

Upon closer inspection, it was Father Reilly, and he didn’t look well.

“Father Reilly!” Marge cried. “My God, what happened to you!”

“I was shot and locked up with a horde of raging zombies!” said the wild-eyed priest, whose clothes were tattered, his face streaked with mud. “But I managed to escape, and have been hiding out in the woods for days! Where are the zombies? Have they gone?”

“They weren’t zombies,” said Tex, watching on as Father Reilly grabbed a patty from the grill and shoved it into his mouth, then spat it out again.

“Hot hot hot!” the man breathed. “What do you mean, no zombies?”

“They were just given some bad drugs,” said Odelia. “That gave them a terrible rash and affected their nervous system and made them lose their minds. They’re fine now.”

“Lies!” the priest cried. “All lies! Save yourselves while you still can!”

And he crashed into those bushes again.

“Father Reilly!” Marge cried. “Come back!”

But the priest was gone, presumably to return to his cherished woods. He reminded me of those soldiers in Vietnam who were never informed that the war was over.

“Poor man,” said Odelia. “He’s clearly lost it.”

And so Uncle Alec and Chase set off to retrieve the confused priest.

See what I mean? A nice zombie invasion brings us all closer together. Which is a good thing, wouldn’t you agree? It had gotten Uncle Alec his old job back, now that all that nasty gossip about him and Pamela Witherspoon had finally stopped, and it had even caused Gran and Scarlett Canyon to put their differences aside long enough to rail against Doc Clam, their common foe. So much to be thankful for.

“Do you think cows can be zombies, Max?” asked Dooley now.

“I doubt it, Dooley,” I said.

“Okay.” He paused, then: “How about chickens?”

“Um…”

“Or dogs or ducks?”

“Well, theoretically anything can be brought back to life, I guess.”

He smiled.“I like that, Max. I like that very much.”

“But why are you so adamant on zombies existing, Dooley?”

“Because everyone has a right to be alive, Max, even dead things. Life is so wonderful—why should we be the only ones that get to enjoy it?”

And then he put his head on his paws and dozed off, a happy smile on his face.

I watched as he slept, and thought of something Father Reilly was fond of saying: blessed are the pure of heart. For some reason Dooley always came to mind when I heard those words. And maybe my friend was right. Life was so precious even the dead deserved a taste of it. Though maybe, for the sake of my equanimity, not anytime soon!

21. PURRFECT SAINT

Chapter 1

I was leisurely lounging on the freshly mowed lawn behind the house I like to call my home, allowing the sun to play about my noble visage, and letting my paws dangle where they might. Birds were twittering in a nearby tree, lawnmowers were humming in the distance, and it was fair to say that this was a particularly wonderful time to be alive.

Next to me, Dooley was positioned in the same idle stance, lying on his back with his eyes closed, producing soft snores and generally enjoying a peaceful slumber.

No doubt you will tell me that a beatific scene like this is rare in a town as infested with crime and mayhem as Hampton Cove but you would be wrong. Generally speaking ours is a peaceable community, and if in the past I’ve given you the impression of the opposite I do offer my sincere apologies. It’s probably because when I regale you with my adventures and the happenings in my little nook of the world, like any storyteller worth his or her salt, I like to skip the boring parts and jump straight to the hot stuff. In between gruesome murders and spine-tingling crime, not much actually happens in Hampton Cove, which is why I tend to leave those interludes out of my chronicles.