Queen Of Babble: In The Big City

Chapter 23

“What’s the matter?” Luke cries, watching me break down. “What… did I get the wrong one? Why are you crying?”

“No—” I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I’m crying in front of him. I can’t believe I don’t have better control of myself. This is ridiculous. It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. I’m the one who got the ridiculous idea that when he said my gift was an investment for my future, that he meant… that he meant…

“That I meant what?” he asks bewilderedly.

And then, to my horror, I realize I’ve been speaking out loud. No! I’ve been so good! I’ve been so careful! I’ve laid out so many tiny bread crumbs for him to follow! I can’t bash him over the head with a mallet now. Not when he’s come so close—

“That you were giving me an engagement ring,” I hear myself sob, “and that you were going to ask me to marry you!”

There. I’ve done it. It’s out. It’s floating out in the universe now, for anyone to hear—even Luke.

And, just as I’d known, deep down—just as I’d always known, somehow, even before Shari and Chaz tried to warn me—he’s horrified.

“Marry you?” he bursts out. “Lizzie… I mean, you know I love you. But… we’ve only been going out for six months!”

Six months. Six years. It doesn’t make any difference. I realize that now. There are some woodland creatures that, no matter how many bread crumbs you leave out for them… no matter how patiently you wait… are never going to be yours. They’ll never let themselves be tamed. Because they prefer to run wild and free in the forest.

And that’s what Luke is. Everyone else could see it. Just not me. I’m the only idiot who refused to acknowledge the truth. That he’s happy to live with me now. But not forever. Six months. Six years. He’s never going to let himself get tied down.

At least not by me.

“I thought we were having fun,” Luke is saying. He appears to be genuinely upset. “I love living with you, it’s been great—but marriage. I mean, Lizzie, I can’t even see where I’m going to be next year, let alone four years from now, when I’m finished with medical school—if I even get into medical school! Which I don’t even know if I will! How can I ask you to marry me? How can I ask anyone to marry me? I’m not even sure—I mean, I can’t say for sure if I’ll ever get married. I don’t know if marriage is something that will ever even be on my radar.”

“Oh,” I say quietly.

Because what else can I say to this? Obviously, this is a conversation we ought to have had some time ago. I mean, if he isn’t even sure marriage is something he wants down the line… not just with me, but with anyone …

Except that maybe he might have realized it was something he wanted if I’d played it cooler. But of course now I’ve ruined everything by opening my big mouth. If I had just hung on for a bit longer…

But no. A year from now… two… he’ll still be saying the same thing. I can see that by the panic in his eyes. It’s completely different than what I see in John MacDowell’s eyes when he looks at Jill. Or even what I used to see in Chaz’s eyes when he looked at Shari.

How could I have been so blind? How could I not have seen that that look was never in Luke’s eyes?

“It’s okay,” I say gently. I’m so tired. So, so tired. I’ve been working so hard. And tomorrow I have to get on a plane and fly home.

Thank God. All I want, at that moment, is to be home and in my mother’s arms… the way Jill flew to her mother’s arms, only for a different reason. Jill’s was joyful.

Mine? Not so joyful.

“God, Lizzie,” Luke is saying. “I feel so terrible. If there was ever anything, anything I did to make you think—but I mean, you told me that thing, about how you want to open your own shop. So I just assumed you felt the same way. That marriage wasn’t even in the equation. Because supposing we get married and I get into medical school out in California? You’d have to give up the shop! You wouldn’t want to do that. Give up your business, for me? Of course not. Or supposing after I graduate, I get some job in like Vermont or something… Would you want to go to Vermont with me?”

The answer, of course, is yes. Yes, actually, I would. I would go anywhere, Luke. Anywhere. And give up anything. As long as we could be together.

But clearly he doesn’t feel this way about me.

“I just… ” Luke is going around, turning on the lights. I blink in the sudden brightness. “Lizzie, I’m so sorry. Oh God. I’ve really fucked everything up, haven’t I?”

“No,” I say, shaking my head, and using the back of my wrist to dry the tears from my cheeks. “No, you haven’t. I’m sorry. I’m the silly one. I just have weddings on the brain, or something. A hazard of the profession. It’s just—”

“It’s just what?” he asks, coming up to me and putting his arms around my waist. “Lizzie—what can I do to make this right between us? Because I want to. I want to keep having fun, like we were—”

“Yeah,” I say. I’m about to shrug it off. Because what’s the point, really?

But somehow this time… I can’t. I just can’t. Maybe because of the joy I’d just seen on Jill’s face. Maybe because I’m realizing I’m not actually going to get to casually reply, when one of my sisters asks if that’s an engagement ring on my finger, “Why, yes. Yes, it is,” when I go home tomorrow. I don’t know.

But it’s time, I realize, to be honest. With Luke. And with myself.

“Fun’s great,” I say. “But, you know, Luke… I want to get married someday. I really do. And if you don’t… well, what’s the point of even being together? I mean, don’t you think it’d be better for us to break up, so we can get back out there and try to find the person we can picture a future with?”

“Hey,” Luke says, pressing his lips to my hair. “Hey, don’t talk like that. I didn’t say I can’t picture a future with you. I’m just saying that right now I can’t picture a future for myself—let alone with anyone else! So how can I presume to put you in it, as well… much as I might like to see you there?”

I rest my cheek against his chest. I can feel the crisp starch of his white button-down, and smell the light scent of the eau de cologne he wears as aftershave. It’s a smell I’ve come to associate with sex and laughter.

Until now.

“I know,” I say, gently pushing him away. “And I’m really sorry. But I have to go.”

And I turn and head into the bedroom, where my suitcase for tomorrow’s trip sits. The only thing I haven’t packed yet is my toiletries. I go into the bathroom to do that now.

“You’re kidding me with this, right?” Luke’s followed me. “This is a joke.”

“It’s not a joke,” I say, slipping my toothbrush and facial soap into my Luscious Lana toiletries bag. I can barely see what I’m doing, because my eyes are so filled with tears. Stupid eyes.

I brush past him to stuff my toiletry bag and cosmetics bag into my suitcase. Then I wrench up the little pull handle and begin dragging my bag to the door.

“Lizzie.” Luke darts in front of me. His expression is anxious. “What is the matter with you? I’ve never seen you like this—”

“What?” I demand, a little more sharply than I mean to. “You’ve never seen me angry before? You’re right. That’s because I’ve been trying to be on my best behavior with you, Luke. Because I’ve been trying to prove to you that I’m worthy of you. Worthy of being with a guy as great as you. It’s like… it’s like this apartment. This beautiful apartment. I’ve been trying to act like the kind of person who would live in a place like this… a place with a little Renoir girl on the wall. But you know what I figured out? I don’t want to be the kind of person who would live in a place like this. Because I don’t like the kind of people who live in places like this—people who cheat on their husbands and lead girls to believe they’ve got a future together when they don’t because they’re not interested in marriage, only in having fun. Because I think I’m worth more than that.”

Luke blinks at me. “Who’s cheating on their husband?” he asks, puzzled.

“Ask your mother who she met for lunch the day after Thanksgiving!” I say before I can stop myself. Inwardly, I groan. Okay, that’s it. I have to get out. Now. “Good-bye, Luke.”

But Luke doesn’t take the hint and get out of my way. Instead, he sets his jaw.

“Lizzie,” he says in a different tone from before. “You’re being ridiculous. It’s ten o’clock at night. Where do you even think you’re going?”

“What do you even care?” I demand.

“Lizzie. I care. You know I care. How can you just walk out like this?”

“Because,” I say. “I can’t do for now. I need forever. I deserve forever.”

I shove past him, unlock the door, and pull my suitcase out into the hallway, stopping only to grab my coat and purse along the way.

It’s sort of hard to make a super-dramatic exit like that, though, when you have to stand there and wait for the elevator to come. Luke leans in the doorway, staring at me.

“You know I’m not going to run after you,” he says.

I don’t say anything.

“And I’m leaving for France tomorrow,” he goes on.

I stare at the numbers above the door of the elevator as they light up, one by one. They’re a bit blurry, because of my unshed tears.

“Lizzie,” he says in his infuriatingly reasonable tone. “Where are you going to go, huh? You’re going to find a new place over Christmas vacation? This city shuts down the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Look, let’s just use this time apart to cool off a little, okay? Just… just be here when I get back. So we can talk. Okay?”

Thankfully, the elevator finally comes. I get on it. And, not caring that the uniformed elevator attendant is listening, say, “Good-bye, Luke.”

The elevator doors close.