Reframe Your Brain: The User Interface for Happiness and Success

Chapter 9

Just the Reframes

Introduction Reframes

Usual Frame: Taking the dog for a walk and failing.

Reframe: Taking the dog for a sniff and succeeding.

Usual Frame: I have nothing to do. I am just standing here.

Reframe: Perfect time to practice proper breathing and posture.

Usual Frame: I am waiting in line, which is a waste of time.

Reframe: I have time to breathe properly.

Usual Frame: Alcohol is a beverage.

Reframe: Alcohol is poison.

Success Reframes

Usual Frame: My odds of success are low.

Reframe: Maybe I am bad at estimating the odds.

Usual Frame: I fail at 90 percent of the things I try.

Reframe: I only need to succeed 10 percent of the time.

Usual Frame: I want to do (something).

Reframe: I have decided to do (something).

Usual Frame: Manage your time.

Reframe: Manage your energy.

Usual Frame: Your job is what your boss tells you it is.

Reframe: Your job is to get a better job.

Usual Frame: I am bored with life.

Reframe: I am not embarrassing myself enough.

Usual Frame: Embarrassment is something to be avoided.

Reframe: Embarrassment is an investment.

Usual Frame: Being wrong is embarrassing and should be avoided.

Reframe: Fear of embarrassment forces you to be wrong.

Usual Frame: The effort is so big and daunting I can’t even start.

Reframe: What’s the smallest thing I can do that moves me in the right direction?

Usual Frame: Success requires setting goals.

Reframe: Systems are better than goals.

Usual Frame: Focus on being excellent at a skill that has commercial value.

Reframe: Acquire skills that work well together and make you rare and flexible at the same time.

Usual Frame: Another problem! Why me???

Reframe: Ooh, a new puzzle to solve.

Usual Frame: Ugh, I hate this repetitive chore.

Reframe: I can do this chore so gracefully and efficiently it feels like a game.

Usual Frame: Passion is the key to success.

Reframe: Passion is nice but not required.

Usual Frame: It takes money to make money.

Reframe: I can turn energy into money.

Usual Frame: Don’t give something for nothing.

Reframe: Giving triggers reciprocity (on average).

Usual Frame: Do your job.

Reframe: Do more than your job.

Usual Frame: Success depends on who you know.

Reframe: Success depends on how many people you know.

Usual Frame: Your hard work will be rewarded.

Reframe: The illusion of hard work will be rewarded.

Usual Frame: Do what you are told.

Reframe: Do what you are NOT told but maybe someone should have.

Usual Frame: Learn what you need.

Reframe: Learn continuously, especially skills that work well together.

Usual Frame: A plan will either work or not

Reframe: Friction and incentives always work. We just don’t know how well until they are tested.

Usual Frame: Measure twice, cut once.

Reframe: Just start. See if you can figure it out as you go.

Usual Frame: School is boring but necessary.

Reframe: School is a competitive event. Game on.

Usual Frame: Compete against yourself and try to improve over time.

Reframe: Compete against others even if the others are unaware of the competition.

Usual frame: You did this wrong.

Reframe: Your other work is stronger.

Alternate: I think you can top that.

Alternate: I’m not sure it’s possible to do this better, but let’s find out.

Alternate: May I show you a shortcut/trick?

Alternate: Let me show you how some people do it.

Usual Frame: Tell people what they did wrong, so they avoid it next time.

Reframe: Tell people what they did well so they are motivated to continue improving.

Usual Frame: The universe is acting against me.

Reframe: The universe owes me.

Usual Frame: Luck is random and can’t be managed.

Reframe: You can go where there is more luck (more energy).

Usual Frame: I am unusually unlucky this happened to me.

Reframe: Everyone has problems. No exceptions.

Usual Frame: Things should be fair. (me)

Reframe: Life isn’t fair. (Mom)

Usual Frame: Fairness is a desirable social goal.

Reframe: Fairness is the enemy of success.

Usual Frame: Avoid mistakes in your art.

Reframe: Invite mistakes into your art and keep the “good ones.”

Usual Frame: I need to come up with a good idea.

Reframe: I need to release all my bad ideas as quickly as possible.

Usual Frame: You feel like a fraud. Everyone else is competent.

Reframe: You are learning fast. Look at all you learned!

Usual Frame: I feel like an impostor at my job.

Reframe: Everyone is an impostor.

Usual Frame: Your mood is determined by your internal thoughts.

Reframe: You can improve your mood by completing meaningful tasks.

Usual Frame: Whatever managers do is managing.

Reframe: If you are not measuring, you are not managing.

Usual Frame: Some art is good, and some is bad.

Reframe: If there is a market for the art, it is good art.

Usual Frame: Praise for your creation predicts you have a hit.

Reframe: Only action predicts a hit, not words. Watch for people to extend or modify your creation.

Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything to write.

Reframe 1: I’m in the wrong environment for writing.

Usual Frame: I have writer’s block.

Reframe 2: I’m trying to write at the wrong time of day.

Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything good to write.

Reframe 3: I can write something bad and fix it.

Mental Health Reframes

Usual Frame: I am my inner thoughts.

Reframe: I am what I do.

Usual Frame: Find yourself.

Reframe: Author yourself.

Usual Frame: Some people are good, and some are not.

Reframe: We’re all flawed, and we’re all good at different things.

Usual Frame: Art is entertainment.

Reframe: Art is a powerful, mind-altering drug.

Usual Frame: Your critics are evil monsters.

Reframe: Your critics are your mascots.

Usual Frame: Criticism feels like a dagger to your heart.

Reframe: Criticism is a chemical reaction in the skull of someone who isn’t in the room.

Usual Frame: You should do what I think you should do.

Reframe: Go eat fudge. (Spoken only in your mind.)

Usual Frame: Everyone is thinking about me.

Reframe: You are only a bit player in their movie.

Usual Frame: Social media is a form of entertainment.

Reframe: Social media is an addiction.

Usual Frame: An insult is damaging to my mental health.

Reframe: An insult is a confession that your accuser can’t refute your opinion and/or has personal problems of some sort.

Usual Frame: An insult hurts because it means someone dislikes or disrespects you.

Reframe: A stranger’s opinion of you—even if it gets published in The New York Times—is little more than their personal diary entry.

Usual Frame: Germs will harm me.

Reframe: Germs make me stronger.

Usual Frame: Coldness is pain and a signal I am in danger.

Reframe: Coldness makes me healthier and stronger.

Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy, and I need to feel bad about it.

Reframe: The deceased has no more problems. How did I make this about me?

Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy.

Reframe: It is an honor to help another pass.

Usual Frame: My feelings are the result of my situation.

Reframe: How I feel is my choice

Usual Frame: I hate someone who deserves it.

Reframe: Hate is nothing but punishing myself for the misdeeds of others.

Usual Frame: Hate and anger are toxic feelings you hope will wear off.

Reframe: Hate and anger are a superpower level of energy you can use for gain.

Usual Frame: Why can’t my problems go away?

Reframe: Everything has a right to exist, including this problem.

Usual Frame: Your ego is “you,” and it must be protected.

Reframe: Your ego is your enemy.

Usual Frame: Avoid embarrassment.

Reframe: Invite embarrassment and use it as a club to kill your ego.

Usual Frame: I am a priceless work of art that must be protected.

Reframe: I am a potato that is easily replaced.

Usual Frame: I worry something will go wrong.

Reframe: I’m curious what will happen.

Usual Frame: Worry about all potential bad outcomes.

Reframe: Control the heck out of things you can control. Accept all outcomes.

Usual Frame: History is important.

Reframe: History doesn’t exist.

Usual Frame: Reality is exactly what you see and feel.

Reframe: Imagine the objects around you as virtual objects.

Usual Frame: My stress and anxiety are caused by events in my life.

Reframe: I won’t care about any of those events on my deathbed.

Usual Frame: I am in pain.

Reframe: I am in pain for a minute.

Usual Frame: You are the center of your universe and the highest priority.

Reframe: Viewed from space, everything looks small, including your problems

Usual Frame: You need to stop thinking negative thoughts.

Reframe: You can’t subtract negative thoughts. But you can crowd them out.

Usual Frame: I’m afraid to do the thing I know I should do.

Reframe: Life is short.

Usual Frame: I must do this pattern of behavior or else something bad will happen.

Reframe: I no longer need to do the behavior because less is more.

Usual Frame: Confidence is something you’re born with.

Reframe: Confidence is something you learn.

Usual Frame: People have better social skills than I do.

Reframe: I am in the top 10 percent of people with good social skills (after reading this chapter).

Usual Frame: Each person at the gathering is a source of potential embarrassment for me.

Reframe: Each person has a problem (social awkwardness) that I can solve right now.

Usual Frame: No one wants to talk to me. I’m boring.

Reframe: Everyone enjoys talking to people who show interest in them.

Usual Frame: Be yourself and keep it real.

Reframe: Adjust your communication style for the situation.

Usual Frame: Is this a good decision?

Reframe: Can we test it small?

Usual Frame: People judge me, so I feel bad when I mess up.

Reframe: People only care about themselves. They don’t care what dumb thing I did recently, even if they mention it.

Usual Frame: Stress comes with the job.

Reframe: Reducing stress IS your job.

Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?

Reframe: It’s no different from a clock reading 2:00 PM exactly once a day. It is just cause and effect. It has no meaning.

Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?

Reframe: Every specific thing that has happened to me since birth is extraordinarily unlikely. This is more of that.

Usual Frame: Why me?

Reframe: God needs you here for something important.

Usual Frame: I feel a responsibility to hold this guilt.

Reframe: You have my permission to release your guilt.

Usual Frame: I feel bad that I was the lone survivor.

Reframe: What would the dead want you to do—suffer or be happy?

Usual Frame: You could have done more.

Reframe: Everyone can do more. It is a meaningless concept.

Usual Frame: Avoid addiction.

Reframe: Choose your addictions wisely.

Usual Frame: People with bad judgment often pursue dangerous and unproductive pleasures.

Reframe: People need a minimum level of pleasure to make life worth living, and if they can’t get it safely, they will get it unsafely.

Usual Frame: Some people have no willpower. They are weak.

Reframe: Some people get more pleasure from certain vices than you do.

Usual Frame: There are good days and bad.

Reframe: All days are useful in different ways.

Usual Frame: Freedom is the ability to do what you want.

Reframe: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

Usual Frame: I can’t handle this for the rest of my life.

Reframe: I can do anything for a day.

Usual Frame: I am a victim of my past traumas.

Reframe: History is imaginary.

Usual Frame: I am angry because something happened.

Reframe: I am living in the past.

and . . .

Usual Frame: I am anxious.

Reframe: I am living in the future (but not in a good way).

Usual Frame: You are the result of your traumas.

Reframe: You are a random bundle of loose wires.

Usual Frame: My trauma crippled me.

Reframe: My trauma is why I can kick your ass.

Usual Frame: Live in the now.

Reframe: Imagine even your smallest actions influencing your future.

Usual Frame: Safe things are safe. Dangerous things are dangerous.

Reframe: Safe-looking things can be dangerous. Dangerous-looking things can be safe.

Usual Frame: Happiness comes from within.

Reframe: Use the external world to program your brain for happiness.

Usual Frame: My mind is in my brain.

Reframe: My mind includes my brain, body, and physical environment. Any change to one changes the others.

Social Life Reframes

Usual Frame: Be yourself.

Reframe: Become a better version of yourself.

Usual Frame: Learn to love yourself as you are.

Reframe: Be glad your brain is pestering you to improve.

Usual Frame: This person needs my advice.

Reframe: This person might need some information, empathy, or some help organizing their thoughts.

Usual Frame: People who complain want solutions.

Reframe: Some people who complain just enjoy complaining.

Usual Frame: This person has a strong personality. I must become stronger to deal with it as an equal.

Reframe: This person is toxic. I must escape now.

Usual Frame: Giving compliments is awkward, creepy, or manipulative.

Reframe: Withholding a compliment is almost immoral.

Usual Frame: No one seems to find me attractive.

Reframe: I haven’t met enough people.

Usual Frame: I need to go find someone to be my romantic partner.

Reframe: I need to signal my genetic advantages to attract a romantic partner.

Usual Frame: I’m trying to make a dining decision with a crazy person. Please shoot me.

Reframe: It’s not about food. It’s about the illusion of control.

Usual Frame: I need a decision.

Reframe: I need a copilot to share the blame.

Usual Frame: The usual patterns hold (non-humor).

Reframe: The usual patterns are violated (humor).

Usual Frame: Marriage is about finding your soul mate.

Reframe: Marriage is about finding love with someone who values promises.

Usual Frame: Marriage is a great system, so if your marriage fails, that means one or both of you messed up.

Reframe: So many marriages ending in divorce proves that marriage is a poorly designed system.

Usual Frame: I want my relationship to last forever.

Reframe: Nothing lasts forever.

Usual Frame: This breakup ends my hopes for happiness.

Reframe: There are happier third marriages than first.

Usual Frame: I have lost my soulmate.

Reframe: I have a million soulmates I have not yet met.

Usual Frame: I am crying because my relationship ended.

Reframe: “Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.”—Dr. Seuss

Usual Frame: A teen can’t understand the “reason” parents have given, and it turns into a power struggle.

Reframe: The parent is a guide for young brains that are not yet capable of understanding adult reasons.

Usual Frame: I’m talking to you, teen, and this is between us.

Reframe: I must answer to your future self, not your current self.

Usual Frame: People treat you poorly, and you can’t do much about it.

Reframe: You cause people to act the way they do.

Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.

Reframe: The person with the best ideas is in charge.

Usual Frame: The experts are in charge.

Reframe: The best communicator is in charge.

Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.

Reframe: The most capable people are in charge.

Usual Frame: The people in charge have the power.

Reframe: Power = (Persuasion skill) x (Audience size)

Usual Frame: I can discern people’s motives by their actions.

Reframe: Mind-reading isn’t real. Humans are terrible at discerning motives.

Usual Frame: Most people are normal, but I’m a basket case.

Reframe: Everyone is a basket case once you get to know them.

Usual Frame: Judge people by their mistakes.

Reframe: Judge people by how they respond to their mistakes.

Usual Frame: People who are always late are either incompetent or uncaring or both.

Reframe: Some people have time blindness.

Usual Frame: Small acts of kindness are good.

Reframe: There are no small acts of kindness.

Physical Health Reframes

Usual Frame: When I am hungry, I eat food.

Reframe: Some food is fuel. Some food is entertainment.

Usual Frame: Overeating is a willpower problem.

Reframe: Overeating is a knowledge problem.

Usual Frame: I eat too much of the wrong food.

Reframe: I spend too much time with the wrong people.

Usual Frame: I want food, so I must be hungry.

Reframe: I want food, so I might be tired.

Usual Frame: I have a weight loss goal.

Reframe: I need to create a weight loss system for myself.

Usual Frame: Sugar is delicious but don’t overdo it.

Reframe: Sugar is poison.

Usual Frame: I am tempted by bad carbs.

Reframe: I’m not the kind of person who eats bad carbs.

Usual Frame: My stomach has room for more food.

Reframe: I’ve had enough.

Usual Frame: I’m hungry, so I need food.

Reframe: I’m hungry, so I need protein.

Usual Frame: Exercising requires willpower and motivation.

Reframe: Exercising is easier than not exercising if you turn it into a habit.

Usual Frame: It’s important to learn the best ways to exercise.

Reframe: The best exercises are the ones you are willing to do.

Usual Frame: I can’t get to sleep.

Reframe: I didn’t work hard enough.

Reality Reframes

Usual Frame: Nuclear Power is risky.

Reframe: Nuclear power is green.

Usual Frame: People are rational 90 percent of the time.

Reframe: People are rational 10 percent of the time if that.

Usual Frame: One of us is right, and one is wrong.

Reframe: We are watching two different movies on one screen.

Usual Frame: You should spread your genes.

Reframe: No matter what you do, your genes will be diluted with each generation until your contribution nears zero.

Usual Frame: The best worldview is the true one.

Reframe: The best worldview is one that predicts the best

Usual Frame: Predicting people’s actions involves many variables.

Reframe: Follow the money. That’s all you need.

Usual Frame: Life is about avoiding pain while pursuing happiness and meaning.

Reframe: Life is an adventure.

Usual Frame: Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

Reframe: Citizens are innocent until proven guilty. Corporations and governments are presumed guilty until proven innocent.

Usual Frame: No cheating has been detected, so the organization is innocent.

Reframe: Whenever there is an opportunity for cheating and not getting caught, a lot to gain from cheating, and lots of people involved, cheating will always happen.

Usual Frame: People come up with their own opinions.

Reframe: People join teams, and the media assigns their opinions.

Usual Frame: Others think and feel approximately as I do.

Reframe: Others are unimaginably different.

The Operating System for Your Mind

Usual Frame: You are the product of your experiences and genes.

Reframe: You are the author of your experience.

Usual Frame: I deserve to be treated well by others.

Reframe: You get what you give, on average. No one deserves anything.

Usual Frame: Reality is objective, and science helps us understand it.

Reframe: Our so-called reality is a simulation created by a higher intelligence.

Alternate: You are in a video game, and you have certain problems to solve to get to the next level.

Usual Frame: We have different memories.

Reframe: We created different subjective realities.

Usual Frame: Reality is objective.

Reframe: There might be an objective reality, but human brains don’t have access to it.

Usual Frame: Reality is only subjective in terms of our opinions and preferences.

Reframe: We can treat all of reality as subjective and get a good outcome, as if we authored it ourselves.