Riding Rockets

CHAPTER 11 The F***ing New Guys

In spite of the sobering wake-up call delivered by the Apollo I tape, the first year of our TFNG indoctrination was one of euphoria. We didn’t walk. We floated along the hallways in a weightless glory. You couldn’t have beaten the smile from our faces with a stick. We slept with smiles. If we had been served shit sandwiches we would have gobbled them down through smiles. To the tourists who strolled the byways of Johnson Space Center we must have looked like village idiots. If any of us had been struck dead during those months, the mortician would never have been able to remove the smile from our face. It would have been part of our rigor mortis.

At summer’s end the class hosted a party for the entire astronaut corps. The centerpiece of the entertainment was a skit that poked fun of the astronaut selection process, specifically the selection of the female and minority astronauts. The program starred Judy Resnik, Ron McNair, and some forgotten white guy. A bedsheet was hung from the ceiling in front of a chair. Judy was seated with just her face protruding through a hole cut in the sheet. Behind the sheet Ron stood at her right and extended his arm through another hole. The effect was that Ron’s black arm appeared to be Judy’s. Through a left-side hole, the white TFNG extended his excessively hairy arm as if it were also Judy’s. Clothing was pinned to the sheet to give the appearance the mutation was dressed. And what a mutation—a woman with one black and one white arm, an affirmative action wet dream. The skit continued as an “astronaut selection board”—fellow TFNGs, of course—interviewed this androgynous creature. All this time, the arm and hand movements, comically uncoordinated, brought howls of laughter. The final question posed was “What makes you qualified to be an astronaut?” With ebony-and-ivory arms waving, Judy replied, “I have some rather unique qualifications.” At that, the laughter hit max-q.

The skit obviously predated political correctness. For astronauts to perform such satire in today’s America would have Jesse Jackson sprinting to the NASA administrator’s office with a gaggle of lawyers in tow.

In fall 1978 we experienced our Astrodome welcome. Houston’s professional soccer team, the Hurricanes, invited us and our spouses to be their guests for a game in the famed Houston landmark. We would be introduced to the crowd during a halftime ceremony. As Donna and I drove to the event, I couldn’t help but imagine it would be like something out of The Right Stuff. When the seven Mercury astronauts had arrived in town they were welcomed with a Houston Coliseum BBQ. Thousands of cheering Texans filled the seats to catch a glimpse of their heroes. Battalions of Texas Rangers prevented them from being mobbed by the worshipers.

My first hint that TFNGs wouldn’t have quite as many worshipers came as I pulled into the Dome’s expansive parking lot. It was as empty as the Mojave. Had they canceled the game? Only after circling the lot did I finally see a clutch of cars, at least enough to have brought two soccer teams.

Donna and I rendezvoused with the other astronauts and spouses in our skybox. Skybox was an appropriate designation. We were in the stratosphere, perhaps even in the mesophere. Watching the game was like watching an ant farm from a block away. Most of us gravitated to the buffet at the back of the box and watched the match on TV.

Halftime arrived and we were escorted onto the field, where we formed a single line facing the crowd…if it could be called that. There were tens of Houstonians to greet us, most of whom were engaged with the beer or hotdog man. Obviously some things had changed since the days of the Mercury Seven.

A ridiculously enthusiastic commentator boomed our individual introductions.

“Please welcome astronaut James Buchli from Fargo, North Dakota!”

“Please welcome astronaut Michael Coats from Riverside, California!”

“Please welcome astronaut Dick Covey from Ft. Walton Beach, Florida!”

On it went. With each introduction I could barely hear a handful of claps over loud cries of “Beer here!” The applause reminded me of the clapping heard during the credit roll for the television show Laugh-In.

As each of us was introduced, we would step forward, wave to the empty seats, and receive a Houston Hurricanes T-shirt from one of the silicone-enhanced cheerleaders. At least she was clapping. Regardless of the vacant seats I still felt nervous to hear my name booming from those speakers. I couldn’t wait for the voice of God to pass over me and go to the next in line. I noticed the other TFNGs appeared equally self-conscious and anxious to receive their shirts and melt back into the anonymity of the group, with one exception—Big Jon McBride from West by-God Virginia. Jon was a heavyset navy fighter pilot with sandy hair and a ruddy complexion. As his name was announced, he stepped forward just as the rest of us had. But here, all conformity ceased. Instead of a nervous wave and a quick step backward, Jon seized the startled cheerleader, swept her backward off her feet, and planted a kiss on her. Then he pulled on the Hurricanes T-shirt and waved a greeting to the crowd. Now there was applause. Even the Beer Man was cheering. Jon was a man for the masses. The rest of us exchanged wondering looks. Clearly Big Jon was cut from a different mold.

It came as no surprise to any TFNG when, in his retirement, Jon ran for governor of West Virginia. Unfortunately he lost in the Republican primary. If only his campaign had shown the video of him accepting the T-shirt from that cheerleader, he would have carried every county. After such a display of leadership, every good ol’ boy in West Virginia would have voted for him.

For our one-year anniversary some of the class organized a celebration over July Fourth weekend. About a dozen of us went together to rent some stone cabins near Canyon Lake in the Texas hill country. We brought our wives and children and barbecue grills for fun in the sun. My daughters immediately fell in love with John “J. O.” Creighton, a bachelor navy fighter pilot with a midnight blue Corvette and an awesome ski boat named Sin Ship. After rides in both, the kids ran to me shouting, “Dad, why can’t you be like J.O.?” Apparently they were unimpressed by my choice of family car, an un-air-conditioned 1972 VW station wagon, powder blue in color except where the rust had rotted out a door panel. I silently prayed for the day J.O. would have six kids and be driving a Dodge.

After a day of swimming and waterskiing we adjourned to the cabin compound and fired up the grills and campfires. One of the physician TFNGs used a hypodermic syringe to inject vodka into an “adults only” watermelon. This fruit cocktail and an array of alcoholic drinks soon reduced mothering to an occasional, halfhearted warning to their broods: “Somebody is going to get hurt.” A few of the kids were in a tree trying to remove Fisher’s aluminum canoe that had previously been installed there by a group of intoxicated TFNGs.

Inside one of the kitchens the wives drank wine and chopped vegetables for a communal salad while outside the men flipped burgers and drank beer. We were just about to declare victory with the burgers when a loud pounding on the kitchen window caught our attention. We turned to see three pairs of naked breasts pressed against the glass. Three of the wives had pulled up their swimsuit tops and served us an hors d’oeuvre of six nipples under glass. We shouted and whistled our approval and lofted our bottles in a toast of their daring. The women dropped their tops into place and went back to the salad preparations. The TFNG wives were thoroughly enjoying their new roles as astronaut spouses. Ultimately they would pay for the title in crushing terror. But for now that was too distant to spoil the fun.

After dinner a load of illegal fireworks materialized from somebody’s trunk. My kids suspected J.O. since he was so cool. Whatever the source, the astronauts were all over them like the eighth graders the alcohol had rendered us. Even “flaming hookers” didn’t hold the promise of entertainment like drunken astronauts playing with fireworks. Soon the night was alight with sparklers, fountains, and assorted illegal devices normally seen only in combat firefights. Aerial bombs exploded over the campsite. Rockets swished into the black. If it hadn’t been for the dampness left by an earlier thunderstorm, we would have burned down the surrounding forest. A couple of the wives were sober enough to shout at us, “For guys who depend on their eyes and hands for a living, you’re sure taking chances,” but we laughed away the warnings.

It was great fun until a particularly wicked aerial mortar fell off its stand. Balls of fire spewed into the crowd. There were shrieks of panic as mothers swept up children and hustled them behind the cabin walls. I flattened myself behind Fisher’s canoe (finally extracted from the tree) as one ball whistled by my head. I was quickly joined by my son, Pat. With fear swimming in his eyes, he exclaimed, “Dad, don’t you think this is kind of dangerous?” Even a ten-year-old could sense the idiocy of our play. We had become the kids. We were bulletproof. We were immortal. We were astronauts.

After the last bomb had exploded and the kids were asleep, the adults settled around a fire. We were growing close. Our competitiveness and the differences in personality (militant feminists to sexist pigs; propeller-headed scientists to Chuck Yeager clones) would ultimately strain relationships. It was impossible to throw thirty-five people together and not have some acrimony. But, like the fear the wives couldn’t yet see, it was still too early for the enmity to get in the way of our fun.

As a sign of our closeness, we now had our class name: TFNGs. There was no official requirement that a new class of astronauts name themselves. It just happened. The Mercury 7 astronauts had become the “Original Seven.” The class of 1984 would later become known as “Maggots,” a play on the derogatory term that marine drill instructors used in reference to their new recruits. None of these names were ever formally put to a vote. Only through constant usage were they legitimized. For us, TFNG stuck. In polite company it translated to Thirty-Five New Guys. Not very creative, it would seem. However, it was actually a twist on an obscene military term. In every military unit a new person was a FNG, a “fucking new guy.” You remained a FNG until someone newer showed up, then they became the FNG. While the public knew us as the Thirty-Five New Guys, we knew ourselves as The Fucking New Guys.

Deep in the heart of Texas, the fire crackled and glowing embers swirled skyward. More beers were popped. Brewster Shaw strummed his guitar to an Eagles tune as our talk turned, as it always did, to when we might fly in space. Like teenagers wishing for Saturday night to arrive, we wished for miracles to speed us to our launches. Our dreams were of the incredible things we would do. We would fly missions into polar orbits and fly jet packs on tetherless spacewalks. We would carry every science satellite, every military satellite, every communication satellite. We would use a robot arm to grapple satellites and repair them in orbit. We were going to do it all…The Fucking New Guys.

With the dream talk circling the fire I looked into the star-spangled night and felt supremely happy…but only for a moment. I was too seasoned not to know there would be tears on this journey. Some at this very campfire would die as astronauts. Perhaps I would, I thought. Perhaps in one of NASA’s training jets. Perhaps on a space shuttle. It wasn’t hearing the Apollo I voice tapes those many months ago that now brought on this melancholy. It was a much more intimate experience with death in the sky.

Christmas season, 1972. I was twenty-seven years old, stationed in England and flying in the backseat of RF-4Cs as part of the Allied Forces staring down the Russian threat. Jim Humphrey and Tom Carr were in the squadron planning area. We were kibitzing over coffee as they put the finishing touches on their training maps. I handed Jim my BX cigarette ration cards. I didn’t smoke and he did. He thanked me. Then he and Tom headed for their plane. It was the last time I would see them alive. Shortly after takeoff their Phantom inexplicably nosedived into the earth at 400 miles per hour. There had been no distress call. The squadron commander came into the ready room and told us of the crash. “Stay off the phones,” he ordered, then departed to pick up the chaplain and drive to inform the wives.

I worried for Donna. In a couple minutes she was going to see a staff car drive up to the apartment with the squadron commander and chaplain. Every apartment in the complex housed a flyer’s family. Donna and I shared a wall with the Humphreys. Our entry sidewalks were fifteen feet apart. I could just imagine the two uniformed officers hesitating between those concrete ribbons, checking the address before choosing one. I could see Donna and Eurlene Humphrey watching in horror from their windows, wondering which one of them was the new widow.

Screw the commander’s order, I thought. I grabbed a phone and called Donna. “There’s been a crash. Jim Humphrey and Tom Carr are dead. The chaplain will be there soon. I wanted you to know it wasn’t me. Go visit Eurlene as soon as they leave. Don’t call anybody else.” She was sobbing as I hung up the phone. Eurlene had two small children.

When the squadron commander returned, he appointed me as the casualty assistance officer for Jim’s family and told me to visit the crash site. It was a muddy morass reeking of kerosene jet fuel. The vertical impact of the plane had left a crater about twenty feet deep. Shards of camouflage-painted aluminum littered the area. About thirty feet from the edge of the plane’s crater was a smaller crater made by Tom Carr’s body and ejection seat. Tom had ejected, but it had been far too late. His body, still strapped to the seat, had impacted the earth at the speed of the plane.

The flight surgeon was directing a group of hospital orderlies in the recovery of remains. Of Jim’s there were none aboveground. The F-4 ejection sequence put the pilot out last. The twin craters made it obvious Tom, the backseater, had just cleared the rails when the plane hit, meaning Jim had to have still been in the front cockpit. Fifty thousand pounds of plane had been behind him at impact and had compressed his body deep into the Earth. Of Tom Carr there was nothing recognizable as human. Each orderly had a plastic bag and was picking up shards of his flesh—bright pink and red strings of it.

The saddest thing I yet had to do in my young life was to give Eurlene her husband’s wedding band. I found it in his locker. Like most of us, he removed the ring prior to a flight to prevent it from snagging on a piece of aircraft equipment and causing injury.

Weeks later the squadron commander ordered me to have a brass plaque etched with an appropriate inscription memorializing Jim and Tom. The twin craters in the rolling hills of East Anglia, England, were truly their graves and the commander wanted the plaque on a nearby tree. I went to the site and screwed a brass plate into a majestic two-hundred-year-old oak.

Five months later Eurlene returned to England to visit her air force friends. The squadron commander invited her to attend a Memorial Day remembrance at the crash location. The day prior to the service he asked me to drive to the site and polish the plaque. I gathered Donna and our three children. The day was a rare one for England, sunny and warm. I wanted them to enjoy it. There was nothing at the crash site to identify it as such. A crop of wheat now covered the area. The scene was a postcard painting of English springtime tranquillity.

I began work on the plaque while Donna and the kids played with a farmer’s dog that had followed them into the field. Moments later Donna screamed, “Mike, the dog has a hand in its mouth!”

I was sure I had misheard. “What?”

As she struggled to pry open the dog’s jaws she screamed more urgently, “Oh God! It has a hand!”

I rushed to her, certain she was imagining things. She wasn’t. Donna held a decomposed human hand. The presence of fingernails left no doubt about that. I was sure it was Tom Carr’s remains. When his body hit the earth, it had exploded into countless pieces. The hand had been thrown into some nearby hedges and not discovered until that very moment by the wandering dog.

We wrapped the remains in the cloth I had been using on the plaque and drove to the base to give it to the flight surgeon. On the drive I thought of the many times I had clasped that hand in life. Tom and I had been classmates together in navigator training in 1968. When Donna gave birth to twins, he and several others in the class had gone together to buy two strollers for us. He had been a close friend. Now Donna cradled a piece of him in her lap.

At the Texas campfire I pulled Donna closer and prayed God would watch over all of us.