Right to Life

SIX

June 9, 1998

4:02 a.m.

She dozed and woke, dozed and woke again over and over as though she were in the grip of a high fever, her mind shut down to expectations, possibilities, danger, even to the reality of where she lay. It was as though she were waiting for something, some sign that life could once again return to normal. Until then she would remain dreamless, thoughtless, suspended in the moment. It was not something her will imposed. Her body imposed it for her.

On the last of these wakings she heard a sound, dim yet oddly familiar, seeming to come from directly above her, yet so low it might have come from anywhere in the house over whatever distance to eventually reach her here in her coffin.

A rumble. Something trembling. Yet she felt no vibration.

She pressed her ear to the rough wood.

Continuous, almost musical.

She listened. And when finally she identified the sound she fell back into the first true sleep of the morning. Her body and mind finally settling in, attempting to replenish themselves after a day in which both had burned to exhaustion.

Until well after dawn the cat remained lying just above her heart atop the Long Box.

And for most of that time continued purring.

SEVEN

3:30 p.m.

At least she was drinking and eating a little. American cheese on white bread. Hunger kicking in, jarring loose the survival systems. At least she wasn’t going to die on them.

Like the other one.

Stephen had her tied to the chair, just blindfolded this time so she could eat, not inside the headbox. He said it was time Kath made her presence known, time for her to begin. So that was what she was doing.

Light from the single bare 100-watt bulb that dangled from the ceiling made weird ugly shadows in the corners as though things were crouching there, hemming them in. She would never get to like this room. No matter how much time she spent here.

She took the empty plate and patted Sara’s hand.

“Good,” she said. She walked to the back of the room and put the plate on the worktable and sat down in the director’s chair in front of her.

“Who are you?” Sara said. “Why am I here?” The voice wasn’t strong but it wasn’t exactly meek either.

“The Organization wants you here. Same as me.”

“You?”

“That’s right.”

She watched the woman consider it.

“I don’t believe you. I don’t believe in any Organization.”

She laughed and bent over and took her hand in both of hers, a little surprised when she didn’t try to pull away. Maybe this was going to be easier than she’d thought.

It was still too early to tell.

“You’d better believe. Look, I’m not supposed to be saying we know this but I will. Your father’s a retired high school principal. I forget what year he retired. Your mother never worked again after you were born. Strictly a homemaker from then on. She took care of you and your sister Linda who lives in Hanover, New Hampshire. She’s forty-three and single and works as a nurse on the pediatrics ward in the hospital there. You have a good friend named Annie Graham who lives in Harrison, New York, not far from where Greg lives. Greg runs a travel agency in Rye with his wife, Diana. They have a son, Alan I think his name is, who’s ten. We know your teaching schedule at Winthrop and we know all your students’ names and addresses. They’re upstairs on the kitchen table. Want me to go get them?”

She saw that Sara was crying softly, could tell by the way she was breathing. Scared crying.

“I don’t understand,” she said. And now the voice was small.

Kath gently squeezed her hand.

“You will. It’ll take a little while but trust me, you will.”

“He said something about a baby.”

“There’s plenty of time to talk about that. Just remember that the Organization’s been watching you real close and for a very long time. Same thing with us, even though we’re a part of it. They’re watching us too, see, not just you. They want to find out how this goes. It important. Believe me, Sara, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I felt the same way once. I really did. It’ll pass. You just have to give it time.”

“Why do I have to be naked? Why did he beat me?”

She withdrew her hands.

“It’s the way the Organization wants it to be. I already told you. You’ve got to go with whatever they want from you. Really, truly smit. With all your heart and soul. Just like I did. Then nobody else will get hurt. Nobody. Not even you anymore.”

“But I don’t…”

She got up. “We’ll talk again soon, I promise. But right now I’ve got a billion things to do. The place is a goddamn mess. So you just sit there awhile and think about what I said. Think real hard.”

“I don’t… I don’t even know your name.”

She almost laughed. “Don’t worry. There’s time for that too. Think of it as being on a need-to-know basis. Like in the movies, right?” She picked up the plate and flicked the wall switch and left her there in darkness thinking, first step taken. Stephen will be pleased.

It was important to please him.

EIGHT

4:45 p.m.

The headbox seemed to have gotten smaller. That was impossible she knew but the damp darkness seemed more enclosing than before. The musty-carpet smell thicker. She tried to move her head as though movement could clear the air, circulate the air inside but she could only move it slightly, half an inch or so in either direction because the back was latched to the X-frame. She was spread-eagled on the X-frame. Facing outward to whatever, whoever was out there.

She had been here about half an hour now. That was what she guessed. Guessing the time was her one form of recreation. It held no rewards because she never knew if she was right or wrong. But it was better than thinking.

Images kept skittering like night-crabs across a moonless beach.

Rushing to the plane that day, late as was usual in those days after Danny died, so late leaving her parents’ winter home in Sarasota that she almost missed the flight, a packed Freddy Laker flight where you had to seat yourself, leaning over a man in an aisle seat way in the back, breathless, saying to him is this seat taken? and the man who was Greg Glover she learned after two vodka tonics to sooth her nerves, the man then taking off his sunglasses and smiling saying no, it’s all yours.

The frozen ice. The hole in the frozen ice so small she could barely believe he’d slipped through. The surface of the ice for yards and yards around. Searching the pale bright face of it for a hand, a boot, a glimpse of clothing.

She and Annie little girls, kissing each other goodbye at her dad’s car because Annie went to Catholic school and Catholic school started earlier than public school did and it was the end of the summer so Annie had to go back, leave Rockport and Sara who wouldn’t see her now for another whole two weeks. Both of them crying the innocent tears of little girls who are wholly in love with one another and unashamed.

The ice. The face she had never found but had imagined countless times pressed up to the ice from beneath. Cold ice and drifting water.

All these memories. Good and tender. Bad and worse. Leveled somehow onto the same plane now. Each a heavy weight upon her heart as heavy as the headbox on her shoulders. Racing unbidden through her consciousness to torment her.

It was better to guess the time. How long she had been in this or that position. The exact time of day. The hour, the minute, the creeping passage of seconds.

The only game she herself had devised and not them.

She flinched when he touched her.

He smiled and mentally noted it for later. Flinching was grounds for punishment. Of course she didn’t know that yet but she would.

He strapped the leather belt around her waist and buckled it. From the belt depended half a dozen wide silver rings but he wouldn’t be needing them just now. He adjusted the belt so that the second, vertical buckle was in the center of her back and the second leather beltstrap hung directly between her legs in front. He opened the jar of Vaseline and lightly greased the thick four-inch leather dildo in the center of the belt. Opened her up and greased her too. She tried to squirm away from his fingers inside h but there wasn’t far she could go on the X-frame.

Another breach of conduct duly noted.

He held her open and inserted the dildo and even with the Vaseline she was dry and tight but by moving it back and forth, in and out he got it into her up to the hilt and then ran the strap up through the cheeks of her ass and through the second buckle and tightened it firmly and buckled it off.

He could hear her faintly squealing inside the box.

He stood back and watched the roll of her hips, she was trying to scrape the thing off against the X-frame but both belts were buckled up tight, they were there for the duration, the belts were going nowhere.

For as long as he wanted.

To remind her exactly who was who in this relationship of theirs.

He walked over to his worktable and opened a drawer and took out the Polaroid camera.

All she could think of from then on was this thing inside her.

This lifeless thing fucking her. This constant violation.

She couldn’t begin to guess how many minutes, how may hours it stayed there.

NINE

6:10 p.m.

The two of them stood behind her as he lifted off the headbox and tied the black scarf over her eyes. Kath could see the raw spots where the box had rested on her collarbones. She wondered how the harness and dildo felt. It was new. He’d never made her wear one. She felt a twinge of something that was almost like jealousy but of course it wasn’t that because jealousy in this case would be ridiculous. They were probably damned uncomfortable. She watched him gag her.

They moved around in front of her, Kath following behind, giving him space. Knowing he’d need it.

“Here’s the story,” Stephen said. “The rules are that I do anything I want with you and you don’t flinch, you don’t pull away. You don’t resist in any way whatsoever. You understand me? Even when I put my fingers inside you like I did before. All I was doing was opening you up, lubricating you so it wouldn’t hurt so much. And you try to pull away. A that’s stupid and B it breaks the rules. So I guess you can figure what comes next. Sorry.”

The whip had eight long leather tongues, each tongue ending in a twisted ball.

She had felt it on her own body. An evil old acquaintance. The tongues stung you, raised instant welts if he whipped you hard enough. The balls bruised you, punched at you like tiny fists. Which was worse she couldn’t say.

She watched him drag the whip up sidearm from the concrete floor and slap her heavily across the breasts, first one breast and then the other, over and over, slap, slap, his arm like a metronome. Regular and more brutal she knew precisely because of the regularity, red streaks appearing instantly on Sara’s pale flesh, she wasn’t a topless sunbather like Kath was, she was probably too modest, blotching as he crisscrossed them with new strokes a she knew that the woman would welt up soon and that if he continued long enough the welts would bleed. She heard the woman screaming inside the gag, saw the muscles of her face pinch tight with pain, the body writhing and shocked by each successive blow and trying with no hope whatsoever to avoid them, every blow aimed at her breasts, each and every one with no relief except that he was moving from from one breast to the other, not much there, breasts being a kind of thing of his, a kind of fixation with him like having babies was a fixation with him and maybe they were connected, they probably were. He liked to suck her own breasts and bite them especially the nipples, he was like a baby himself sometimes always wanting mama’s titty and she knew how this felt, she knew exactly how Sara felt under the whip. She’d been there. She could feel it in her own breasts, tingling.

She figured it must be sympathy.

TEN

9:55 p.m.

They’d let her use the bedpan but now she was back on the rack again. Mercifully, her hands were only tied behind her to the center of the X-frame instead of overhead. At least her fingers weren’t going numb. When her legs got to trembling too much she could kneel for a moment on the concrete floor but in that position her forearms slipped down and spread apart painfully over the lower V-shape of the frame and it was too much to take for very long. Still it provided some relief.

Whatever he’d used on her breasts had taken out most of the sting. She felt a kind of throbbing heat there and a raw spot in the center of her right nipple. The one which for some reason had taken the most abuse.

She was blindfolded, not inside the headbox.

Another small mercy.

There was a rubber ball inside her mouth. It was affixed to a leather gag strapped across her face.

They had traded the harness and vagina plug for another one in which small dildos penetrated both her vagina and her anus. She imagined she could almost feel them touching inside her.

She was cold. Her throat was terribly dry. A taste in her mouth like fallen leaves.

Humiliation. Discomfort. Deprivation. Pain.

The Four Horsemen of her own personal Apocalypse.

Her only comfort was the cat, who had taken to her for some reason or perhaps was only curious. She would feel it now and then rubbing up against her ankles, its cool wet nose and soft haunches, and once, its calloused warm front paw-pads and the tiny sharp retracted claws on her thigh just above the knee. She imagined the cat standing on its hind legs looking up at her, though as yet she had no idea even of its color or size or the color of its eyes staring up at this strange naked human tied to a tree.

She imagined a tabby. A female. She imagined her eyes were green.

Alone in the early days following Daniel’s death and her divorce she had taken a six-week-old kitten, a tabby, out of the Humane Society shelter and sardonically named her Neely after the doomed Patty Duke character in VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. The cat lived with her until her death, of cancer, only last year. The name she had given to her, that of a fictional junkie, became ironic and practically prescient and not really very funny at all because in the almost three years prior to her death the cat had come down with diabetes and Sara had needed to give her insulin shots twice a day, into the heavy fold of skin at the back of her neck, at feeding time.

It was inconvenient as hell building her entire schedule around the shots and running every morning to the litter box to check the blood-sugar levels in her urine but she did it gladly because nobody could comfort her the way Neely did. It was almost always at night that the sadness and loss and loneliness descended upon her and when they did the cat was magically always there, seemed to sense the yawning gulf of emptiness opening up inside her even as it grew, seemed ever alert and responsive to this alien human need. The cat was right there. Curled warm and soft in her lap or lying on her chest purring until these awful moments passed and long after if she wished, asking only a stroke or a scratch behind the ear or even just the heat of her body if Sara’s soul could offer up neither of these just then. As though she knew that this was exactly her role in life, exactly what she was born for, this gentle service.

Sara found her lying in the darkness of her closet one day and the cat could barely raise her head. In the vet’s office she held and stroked her and looked into the green-golden eyes as he administered the shots. One which would rocket her deep into anaesthetic sleep and the next which would kill her. She saw the head droop and fall and felt her heart break yet again.

She had not got another cat despite her family and friends’ advice. There was too much loss for her in the world. And then she met Greg. For a long time he’d made her — if not forget — at least put aside the losses and focus on what they had together, on the present.

She couldn’t imagine what he was going through.

Or her parents. Or her sister.

Her parents and sister didn’t even know about the abortion — or the pregnancy for that matter. She assumed they’d know everything now once she was reported missing. Her parents were strict Catholics, especially her father, her sister lapsed the same as she was. Who would tell them? How?

She was glad that none of them could know the half of this.

She had to kneel again. The muscles in her calves were jumping.

She spread her arms as wide as she could to accommodate the V-shape and sunk slowly down. The floor was hard and cold. The wooden beams dug into her biceps and they began to ache. She tried to relax her legs, to breath easily and regularly. It helped.

He came out of nowhere.

How could he do that? The man was stealthy as a snake.

She felt his fingers pinch down hard on her left nipple, the one he’d whipped raw and then the other one, pinch hard and lift which meant he wanted her up off the floor up off her knees and she groaned behind the gag and complied and stood for him and still he pinched and twisted and it felt as though he were trying to tear them off but she knew enough not to try to squirm away, knew enough to bear it. She stood and took it from him and finally he stopped.

“Didn’t say you could do that. Did I.”

When the whip came down across her breasts again she thought she would faint but she didn’t, her body wouldn’t give her even that much, her body was useless to her as now she felt suddenly it always had been, though pregnancy and childbirth and then this pregnancy too all useless and giving back nothing, even the pleasure of sex, that too useless ultimately. The body had always betrayed her. All it gave it took back and at the end of it was always pain, her breasts flooded with, engorged with pain, pain like mother’s milk inside her and maybe she deserved this after all as he said she did because everything she touched either died or was destroyed. Her body, her touch, a poisonous flower torn up out of a sour earth.

What do you think, daddy? Do I deserve this? Your little girl?

She didn’t know what he’d say. He’d maybe say she did.

When it was finished he allowed her to sink to her knees, said she had permission to do so now and she should always ask in the future and she hung there not even aware of the wood bruising into her biceps and wept behind the blindfold. Exactly what she was weeping for she wasn’t sure but she knew it wasn’t just the pain.

A strange thought occurred to her which wasn’t exactly a Catholic thought but which certainly partook of that.

Sin begins with a repugnance for the flesh.

She stared into her soul and saw herself a sinner.

ELEVEN

11:45 p.m.

They sat in the dark watching the latest Jackie Chan movie on Cinemax. He was thinking how easy these kinds of movies were, the plots so familiar you didn’t have to follow them. You could think about other things like how he was going to have to start work on restoring Ruth Chandler’s hutch tomorrow and what he was going to do with Sara Foster once Kath went back to work Monday. You could think about this stuff and plan things until the next fistfight started and then go back to it once the fight was over. He decided that Monday she’d spend the day inside the Long Box. Total dark. All day long. Every day he’d soften her.

He was thinking that sitting in the flickering shadows finishing the leftover stuffing from last night’s chicken when the doorbell rang.

So who the fuck was that? At this time of night. He’d made a point of not cultivating the neighbors. He looked at Kath on the sofa and saw she was thinking the same thing he was — cops, we’re fucked — and felt a moment of utter panic, wondering if he shouldn’t get his ass out the back door double-quick.

Then he thought no way, I got this covered.

It couldn’t be.

He put his fork down on the plate and set it on the end table and turned on the lamp beside it and got out of the chair. Jackie Chan was getting punched out by some black guy. It wouldn’t last. Chan would break his nigger ass. At the door he put on the porch light and looked out the window.

McCann. Jesus, McCann of all people. He didn’t need this. Not today.

But he couldn’t very well play at nobody home either. Not with the TV blaring.

He opened the door.

“Stephen.”

“Mr. McCann. How are you?”

“Fine. I know it’s late. May I come in a moment?”

“We were just about ready to go to bed, actually.”

“Only a moment. Something’s been on my mind. It won’t take long. I promise.”

The smile was unctuous as usual. There was something about the little bearded bald man that always revolted him. McCann was a lifelong bachelor. Probably a faggot. Their interests had led them into the same circles but for very different reasons. Stephen didn’t have to like him.

“I guess. Where’s your car?”

“In the shop, I’m afraid. I walked over.”

McCann lived about two miles away, practically into the next township. What the fuck was this all about?

He decided he’d better find out.

McCann stepped into the room and Stephen gestured toward the chair. He turned off the volume on Jackie Chan. Chan and the black guy fought on in silence.

“Thanks.” McCann sat down and sighed.

“Can I get you a beer or something?”

“If sinners entice thee, consent thee not.”

He chuckled. Actually chuckled. The asshole.

“Thank you. That would be most welcome.”

“Kath? You?”

“No thanks.”

He walked into the kitchen and got two beers and opened them and when he returned to the living room both Kath and McCann were watching the silent screen. Both of them looking distinctly uncomfortable. McCann took his Bud and drank. Stephen sat down beside Kath and did the same.

“So. What can we do for you?”

“I may as well say this right out. I have to know, Stephen. It’s been bothering me. Where is she? Who is she?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The woman. In front of the clinic yesterday. I wasn’t supposed to be there, you see. The New York Christians’ Aid Coalition called some of us from my group at the very last minute. A number of their people had cancelled. Elsie Little and I were the only ones who were free yesterday. But I saw you. You pulled her into your station wagon.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He sighed. “I saw you, Stephen. If for no other reason than for the movement’s sake I need to know exactly what’s going on here. Remember, he that loveth lies loveth not the Lord’’

“You’ve got me mixed up with somebody else, Charles.”

He smiled. “You and Katherine both? That’s hardly likely. I saw both of you. I even recognized your car. Trust me, Stephen, please. This is just between the three of us. Elsie didn’t notice you and I haven’t said a thing to her. You can trust me.”

He’d sooner trust a water snake.

He wanted to strangle the little man. But McCann was scaring him too.

They’d planned it to be in a whole other State. The biggest city in the world for god’s sake. A place they’d picketed only once before. Nobody they knew was supposed to be anywhere near there.

He pulled heavily from the bottle.

“She’s going to have a baby,” Kath said.

“What?”

“Jesus, Kath!”

“She’s going to have a baby. She’s three months pregnant. I can’t have one and she can. And with Stephen’s record we can’t adopt. So she’s going to have our baby. Okay? You satisfied?”

“But…”

“She was going to abort it, Mr. McCann. Remember the first commandment? Thou shalt not kill? Remember what this is all about? We are saving the life of this baby!”

McCann stared at her and sipped his beer. Stephen was alternately furiously with her and relieved. The ball was in his court now.

It was unlike her to be so passionate.

Maybe she disliked the little toad as much as he did.

“Do me a favor, Kath. Get me another beer, will you?”

She got off the couch without a word. Just as glad to be out of it. McCann’s eyes followed her and then settled back on his.

“You really expect to do this?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t just… kidnap somebody. What about consent?”

“We’ll get her consent.”

“How in the world will you do that?”

“That’ll have to be our business, I’m afraid.”

He shook his head. “Not the Lord’s business, I think.”

“Maybe yes, maybe no. Is abortion the Lord’s business?”

“We’re trying to end that.”

“I know. In our way so are we. Here’s one kid who’s not going to get sucked out of his mother’s womb like some dustball off a living room floor.”

“But the real mother…”

Kath handed him the second beer and sat down beside him again. “To hell with the real mother. She was going to kill it.”

“It?”

“The baby. Him. Her. Whatever.”

The man glared at him. Stood up.

“All right, let’s see her, then. Let’s see this… this brood mare of yours!”

“I gotta tell you. I don’t like your tone, McCann.”

“I don’t like your choice of words, either. A child is not an it. Motherhood is a blessed state and you cannot simply lift your choice of mothers off the street. Where is she? In the basement? That’s where I’d keep my prisoners.”

The man was actually trembling with anger. The self-righteous little bastard. He shook his finger at both of them and headed for the basement door.

"Isaiah 7:3. Amend your ways and doings, all ye whores and defilers…"

Something inside him gave a desperate lurch and he was up off the couch reaching for the second bottle and suddenly he was armed and fucking dangerous, one of the bottles dripping with cool sweat, he had them by the neck and he swung the empty down over the man’s ear, felt the impact and heard and watched it shatter and then he was looking down at his hand again, the suddenly truncated neck of the bottle sticking jagged and deep into the pad of flesh between thumb and forefinger. He looked up and saw the man turn trying to say something and swung the other bottle, the one that was almost full, directly into his face.

It was a kind of magic he thought what a simple glass bottle could do. One moment the face was full of fury and indignation and the next full of surprise and pain because the second bottle had shattered too but this time full across his mouth, a huge shard of brown glass pushed through the upper lip and out his cheek, foam and blood mingling in a bright pink slime riding down his chin.

Dimly he could hear Kath scream and the little man roaring deep and anguished but his brain was roaring even louder saying, finish it, you got to finish it! even as McCann reached for him. He pivoted and half-dived and half-fell over to the end table, the plate that had held last night’s stuffing clattering to the floor, the fork which was his target in his hand and he reached up off the floor as McCann lunged for him, McCann unaccountably still wanting to fight and shoved it deep into the man’s neck and twisted, twisted fast back and forth inside him, sinking it deeper until the hands closed over his own and tore them away with an unexpected force and tore the fork from his throat and sent it sailing across the room.

The man’s growl gurgled in his throat, the throat pulsing blood through his clasped hands like Steven’s own first pulsing orgasm when he was a boy, blood rolling off the pierced cheek and spraying from his throat over the throw-rug in front of the TV and over the TV screen where Jackie Chan fought on as he staggered to one knee and finish it finish it still wailed in his ears so he tore the shard of glass out of the palm of his hand and ripped the plug from the heavy brass standing lamp beside the couch and grabbed it by the neck and brought the base of it across McCann’s face as hard as he could hitting him with five solid pounds of brass, a sound like metal striking a bowling ball, knocked him sideways to the floor,’blood spraying the wall and the mirror over the fireplace in the wide arc of his fall. He stood over him and brought the base down on his head, he didn’t know how many times, over and over until the sickening thuds turned gradually softer, until the body stopped twitching and the flow of blood grew thick and languid as a mudslide. Until he could barely even lift the thing any more and collapsed to his knees beside him.

He realized he was crying. He looked at the mangled head.

He got up on quivering legs and rushed to the sink and delivered himself up of cold bread stuffing and meat loaf dinner.

He turned on the tap and the switch on the disposal unit and rinsed the stuff away and rinsed the gash between thumb and forefinger. With the other hand he splashed his face. The cold water seemed to revive him. The cut continued to seep blood in regular pulses so he wrapped it with a clean dish towel out of the drawer and used his teeth and his good hand to tie it tight.

Kath was still making tiny high-pitched keening sounds. Rocking back and forth on the couch. Staring at the ceiling. Her face shiny with tears.

It seemed as though he saw blood everywhere.

Gotta clean up, he thought.

Gotta shake her out of this and clean up and get rid of McCann in the back where the girl was and the thought occurred to him then that maybe he could use this.

Maybe this was even good.

But first he wanted towels. First things first.

To wrap that head.

Downstairs in the long box she dimly heard a voice she didn’t recognize raised loudly in anger and at first she thought it was the television turned up high, then that maybe just maybe it was someone who had come for her. The police. Someone. The thought made her heart race. Then moments later she heard a struggle. Feet pounding heavy across the floor and glass breaking and then more and more pounding and she thought yes! get them! get the fucking sons of bitches! and then please please hurry.

And then heard only silence.

She pounded on the box. Kicked at it. Shouted, screamed.

No one came.

She lay there for god knew how long, listening to her own breathing. She heard running water through the pipes on-off on-off’ and the occasional heavy footfall and that was all.

Hope seeped away like water down the pipes and left her numb and empty.

The pain returned too.

Her breasts mostly. But also her back and shoulders and her ass pressed against the cold hard wood. There was no way to get comfortable inside the box, no way to fully relax her aching muscles. Inside the box, sleep came with a hammer in its hand or else it didn’t arrive at all.

Once again her life reduced itself to waiting.

How many days? One? Two? Three now?

When she finally heard footsteps cross the room moving in her direction she knew that they belonged to him and not to some deliverer. At best he was coming to feed her or ask if she needed the bedpan. At worst she’d be beaten again for some unknowable, infraction or put inside the headbox. She was resigned to all of it.

She heard his fingers on the latch and his voice telling her to put on the blindfold and she did and then she was sliding out into the room again.

“Stand up.”

She was always a little dizzy after being inside. She stood slowly and carefully, using her hands on the top of it to support her for a moment until she felt sufficiently steady.

“Put this on.”

She felt fabric, cotton, press lightly against her stomach and she reached for it with both hands and hugged it to her, smelled the clean fresh scent of it. She unfolded it, turned it.

“The other way. You got it wrong. That’s the back.”

She turned it again.

Clothes! He was giving her clothes!

A dress!

She pulled it on over her head and winced as it slid across her breasts but that was nothing to the sensation of being clothed again. It was probably a little baggy, a little bit big for her she thought and yes, it was, she knew as she began to button it. But the light thin material felt wonderful.

A short-sleeve dress. She almost felt human again.

“These too. They’re yours.”

He handed her her shoes. The flats she’d worn to the clinic. Their familiarity tore at her as though they were of another life entirely, relics of some dimly familiar well-loved past. She leaned back against the box and slipped them on.

“Thank you,” she said.

“You’re welcome. Put your hands behind your back.”

He snapped the manacles together.

“Come with me.”

He took her arm, firmly and not gently, and suddenly she was frightened again. But she did as he said and walked with him. There was nothing else she could do.

“Where are we going?”

“You don’t question me, remember? You’ll see.”

Maybe this is the end, she thought. Maybe they’re going to do it now.

End me.

Kill me. Or let me go.

No. Not possible.

“Careful. There are stairs here.”

He led her up slowly. She counted the steps, trying to calm herself, trying to interrupt the circle of excitement and fear which looped into each other inside her. Neither excitement nor fear would do her any good. She counted sixteen wooden steps. They came to a carpeted landing. Fresh air swept cool around her ankles and she thought they must be standing by the back door, that it must be off to her left. Then he turned her to the right and moved her up yet another, slightly higher step and she was standing on a wood floor. This must be the kitchen or dining room area, she thought. She smelled faint cooking-smells, hamburger or something, almost overwhelmed by cleaning-smells, ammonia, bleach, and something like Windex or Fantasik.

Simple, comfortable, familiar smells. Not the damp musty basement. They nearly brought her to tears.

“Okay, slow now.”

He moved her a half-turn to the right and walked her fourteen steps straight ahead over a wood floor and stopped, took her by the shoulders and turned her around.

“Sit.”

She bent her knees and reached down behind her with her hands until she found the base of a narrow wooden chair topped by a thinly stuffed cushion and sat down.

“Okay, now listen to me. I’m only going to say this once.”

He was either kneeling beside her or sitting, she couldn’t say which, but he was very close. His voice was soft but there was something excited about it too A kind of heightened nervous quality. It scared her. She wanted him stable. As stable as possible.

“You heard something up here awhile ago, didn’t you.”

She almost said no. Then thought it was probably not wise to lie to him. She nodded.

“I thought so. What did it sound like to you?”

“Argument. A fight, maybe.”

“Very good. I’m going to show you something in a little while that will probably upset you. It’s all right to be upset. It’s natural. But I want you to know what happened before I show it to you. Two men just left here. These two men were members of the Organization. Friends of mine. They were with a third man, Victor, who I also know very well. But Victor was a traitor. There’s no other way to put it. He knew things. And we found out he was talking to the police. We have people inside there too obviously. He hadn’t said anything too specific to them yet, he was waiting for their bribe money to come through. But we knew he was talking or about to talk. And he didn’t know we knew.

“So what we set up was this. They all come over here for a friendly visit, a drink, some conversation, the usual. Then we confront Victor with what we know. He tries to deny it but we’ve got all the dates and times and people. We know which cops he’s talking to. He finally admits it. He’s very upset, very contrite. Says he must have been crazy, out of his mind. We agree with him there. Now what I want to show you is by way of instruction. I get the feeling you don’t completely believe us about the Organization but maybe after you see this you’ll think again.”

He stepped behind her.

And lifted off the blindfold.

“Victor,” he said.

Light flung itself at her eyes like swarms of stinging insects. For a moment she could see practically nothing, then saw she was in a living room. Saw chairs, a fireplace, a television set, a dusty hardwood floor.

And in the center of the floor the shape of a man. A small man. Wrapped in heavy-duty black plastic bags tied with loops of twine.

She felt the meagre contents of her stomach rise.

“This is what happens when you fuck with the Organization, Sara. You die. It’s that simple. Turn and look at me.”

She did, fearfully, knowing the stakes were being raised yet again by him allowing her to see him. She saw a dark-haired, almost handsome man of medium build standing there in a sweatshirt and old jeans. Slim, hairline receding a little, nose a little too sharp, but with eyes that were wide and dark and actually beautiful — how could they be that? — a good strong chin and full, sensual lips. He was gazing at her directly. Not smiling.

And she had the oddest feeling that she knew him from somewhere, had seen him somewhere before. That he was not entirely a stranger.

She said nothing.

She wondered where the woman was. If she would be familiar too.

“You think we’re still fooling you, don’t you. That Victor’s some mannikin or something.”

He was right. After the initial shock that was the first thought that came to her. The mind simply rebelled. She couldn’t be sitting in a room with a murdered man lying on the floor in front of her. It just wasn’t possible.

Do you really know the limits of the possible? she thought. In this place? Do you?

“Get up. Go over and touch it. Here.”

He reached around and unfastened the manacles. It occurred to her that this was far and away the most freedom she’d had since the moment they took her.

She could run for the door.

Why don’t you, then?

Because the door is probably locked and even if it wasn’t he’d catch her easily. That’s why.

She stood, already dreading what she was going to find. If this thing on the floor were a mannikin why would he call his own bluff?

She walked over and knelt and for a moment couldn’t bring herself to touch it but he was standing behind her staring, she felt his stare like a harsh command so she reached out and gave a push to the center of the thing and it was the weight of a man all right, no mannikin ever felt so heavy nor the flesh beneath the bags so giving and it couldn’t be a living man pretending either because one of the bags was tied off tight at the neck and there was no way in the world he’d be able to breathe inside.

She was kneeling next to a dead man. A man he’d just admitted killing.

And they would do it to her, he said, if she defied him.

If he’d raised the stakes by showing her his face he’d raised them infinitely higher by showing her this. There was no way in hell he could let her live now unless she either escaped or submitted wholly to him and to this Organization he kept talking about.

Whether the Organization even existed or not really didn’t matter.

Though she now thought that maybe it did. Was it so far-fetched after all? Cults existed. White slavery existed. Neo-nazis existed. In the end it didn’t matter. Even if it was all in his mind, even if he was crazy, what mattered was his power over her. The power to extend her life or take it on a whim.

The back door opened and she saw the woman standing there on the landing in cutoff jeans and a baggy teeshirt. An ordinary-looking woman, in her early forties she guessed like the man appeared to be, neither homely nor pretty, braless, with long slim legs. She looked directly at Sara for a moment and then went into the kitchen. Turned on the water and began to wash her hands.

“It’s ready,” she said.

“Good. Sara?”

She turned to look at him. She heard the water go off in the kitchen and a paper towel ripped off the roll, sandals crossing the floor toward them and knew the woman was in the room with them but didn’t she didn’t take her eyes off him for an instant.

“You’re going to help us bury Victor. By doing so you’ll be helping us accomplish two important things. One, it’ll look very good for you in the eyes of the Organization. In fact you’re doing it at their direct request. Two… well, call it a kind of bonding factor. As far as the police go, should you ever decide you need to report this, you’ll be an accomplice to murder.

“Oh, I know what you’re thinking. You’re doing this under duress. So if you tell the police that, no problem. But the Organization has that covered too. We’ve done this before, you know. We’ve had practice. Once we finish with Victor here I’m going to sit you down with some pens and paper and you’re going to write us a few letters, post-dated. They’ll be friendly letters — I’ll tell you what to say, don’t worry — as though Kath and you and I are old buddies from way back. You’ll write, among other things, about how much trouble you’re having actually going through with the abortion. As though we’ve been advising you not to have one all along and you’re slowly coming around to seeing things from our point of view. Know what I mean? Then in the final letter you’ll ask us, if you do decide to keep the baby, if it’s okay for you come out here to stay awhile. Y’see? You get the idea? It’ll look like you’re here because you want to be. Period.”

“What about the envelopes?”

She almost bit her tongue for saying it. She knew damn well it was dangerous. But she had to try to shake him somehow. She felt trapped and resentful. She had to let him know that without defying him.

“Excuse me?”

“The envelopes. They’d be postmarked. Dated. You can’t fake the postmarks.”

He smiled. “Who keeps envelopes, Sara? You throw ’em in the garbage. But nobody’d think twice about people who keep letters from an old friend. Here’s the finish. Finally, what we’ll do is, we’ll give you back your address book for a minute or two. Let you enter our names in. Like we’ve been in there all along. We figure that about covers it. Don’t you?”

She supposed it did in some twisted way. Would the police really believe this? They might.

In any case she nodded.

“Good.” He stood. “Let’s get going. Kath’s already dug the hole for us. You get the honor of covering him up. Kath, you and Sara get his legs.”

She hesitated, warring inside.

I can’t do this.

Yes you can. You’ve got to.

You can’t just take a man out into the backyard and bury him. This isn ’t happening.

Want to bet?

“I’d do it if I were you,” the woman said.

Kath. Her name’s Kath. One more revelation. Her voice sounded cold, distant. Almost rehearsed.

“Your father plays golf at the Fairview Country Club,” she said. “Plays mostly Saturdays. Do you know how easy it is to shoot a man on a fairway? With a high-powered rifle? Remember what we told you, Sara. You’re not in this alone. You’re responsible for and to a lot of other people.”

She paused to let this sink in. It did.

“So. You want the right leg or the left?”

And then the weight of the man, the stiffness of his body, the night air cool through the thin cotton dress and her own unwashed smell rising off her as they carried and dragged his body across the lawn, dew at her ankles, the one behind her the oy house visible, carried him back through the line of evergreen trees and into scrubby woods to a crude four-foot hole in the ground and dumped him in, the feel of the shovel in her hands which she might have used to crack their skulls but for the baseball bat he held tapping against his leg, the blisters rising hot and sore along her thumb and forefinger, the sound of earth falling first on black plastic and then more softly upon itself, the smell of damp heavy earth, of mold and decay seeming to enfold her, thinking I’m burying myself here, it’s me, it’s me I’m burying.

It’s me.

THE THIRD DAY TWELVE

June 10, 1998

11:45 p.m.

The headbox again. The still stifling air. The silence.

She’d been standing alone for what must have been hours. Her belly pressed to the X of the crossbeams, arms and legs manacled, leg spread wide apart and arms low across the center of the X to insure circulation. It was as though she were hugging the thing. Not punishment, he said, just convenience this time. They were going out to a movie. They were going out for a pizza. They needed to get out of the house for a while. As though it were the most ordinary thing in the world just to leave her here.

The day after she’d buried a man.

The day after they had killed him.

Before he left he’d slipped the bedpan between her legs and she’d used it awhile ago, pissed into the silence, unable in the deep thick quiet of the box even to know if she’d hit or missed her target, only knowing that some of it had run down her leg and still felt sticky and uncomfortable along her thigh, a trail of her own self-disgust because she could do nothing to stop this new humiliation nor any other. It was a wonder to her that a human being could turn so powerless all in the course of a few days’ time. Not even days. In moments.

Their faces haunted her, inhabiting the dark inside the box like pale flickering holograms. The woman’s face so empty of feeling, of any recognizable emotion at all as though this were nothing to her. Routine. Another day in the life. His face nervous and unsettled — reading lust, greed, power.

She had written out and signed the letters he dictated but was certain they’d fool no one who actually knew her. The language was his language, not hers. Stilted, formal. It betrayed him. It was not going to convince anybody that she was here on her own free will much less an accessory to murder.

I am filled with uncertainty and doubt. A baby’s life is a sacred thing, isn’t it? How dare I take this step?

What’s your problem? she thought, whoever the hell you are. Why’s this so damned all-important to you? What happened? Mommy never breast-feed you?

The woman, Kath, was only along for the ride. It seemed obvious that none of this was her idea. That didn’t matter, though. Because it was also obvious that she’d continue to play her part in Sara’s nasty little drama. But she knew that the craziness originated with him. That if there was an Organization it was he who’d joined it, he who’d decided to capture her, he who dreamt up the tortures and humiliations. The woman was just a follower.

She wondered how willing a follower. Was there any weakness there? Anything she could exploit? She doubted it, but she’d watch for it nevertheless.

Watch for it. Now there’s a bad joke, she thought.

She hadn’t seen anything but the dark and the images inside her head since entering their names in her address book the night before. They’d blindfolded her, stripped her and led her down here to lie the night through in the Long Box, in her coffin. Got her up and fed her a peanut butter sandwich and tied her naked to the chair — which she realized for the first time today was bolted to the floor. Fed her again and hung her on the X-frame for however long it was going to take them to see their movie and eat their goddamn pizza.

For however long they wanted.

Her breath smelled old and stale and sour inside the box. An old person’s breath.

She was growing old here.

The baby still blooming inside her.

The beautiful baby girl. The one she’d wanted to kill.

No, goddammit, that was his thinking. An abortion wasn’t murder. An abortion was only her, Sara Foster, in the act of controlling her own body. Exercising will and choice over her own destiny. If anything this was closer to murder. This utter forced loss of control to the point where she couldn’t even take a piss without fouling herself or feed herself or take a drink except when he permitted it. You could murder a personality, an identity, just as easily you could kill the body.

She wondered how long it would take for him to do that. To make her into another little zombie like Kath who wanted only to please him and accepted whatever he did or wanted.

Even to digging graves for him.

She wondered if he could. She knew about brainwashing. She knew it was possible. But possible for her? That was another thing.

Resisting could mean death. Pretending was risky in the extreme. Giving in was unthinkable.

Could he really expect her to have this baby for him?

To live the next six months this way and then give birth to a child?

The idea was monstrous. Lunatic.

And why? What could he have in mind? For the baby or for her?

Zombie mother? Zombie child?

She jolted, felt hands on the headbox, undoing the clasps, the base of it chafing her collarbone again as they did so and then felt the hands lift the hook on the box off the eye on the X-frame and she sucked in damp cellar air through her mouth as he lifted the foul thing off her.

“Don’t turn around. Don’t speak.”

He looped the blindfold over her eyes and tied it off.

“Open your mouth.”

He pushed the soft rubber ball into her mouth, stretching her jaw, the taste of it bitter and dry. He tied the gag over it. Her hair caught up in the knot but she made no protest.

Whatever this is, she thought, just get it over with.

She heard soft footsteps on the stairs and heard them cross the room and thought that would have to be Kath joining him. She heard her go the work table and put something down on it — no, two things. One that sounded like ice in a glass and another heavier, thumping to the table and then a few moments later smelled something strange in the air, something that smelled like superheated metal. Like an automobile cigarette lighter and she began to tremble even before he told her.

“I’d really rather pass on this, Sara. But it’s Organization rules. A slave has got to be marked with his or her owner’s personal symbol. Mostly so she can be identified if she tries to run. My symbol’s a V so that’s what you’ll wear. But don’t worry. I’ll do it where it won’t show in a bathing suit or anything, I promise. I know it’ll hurt for a second but after that you’ll be fine. And I honestly don’t have any choice, y’know? I’m sorry. Kath?”

She heard the footsteps cross the room and the burning smell was stronger and she tensed herself knowing what was to come, that they were going to brand her like a cow, scar her, that she’d wear this awful thing the rest of her life, she’d have this to remember them by even once they were dead and buried, knowing too that it was useless to struggle, that it would only be worse for her later, god only knew how much worse and she damned them and damned her helplessness and steeled herself, telling herself not to move, it would hurt even more if she moved or if they had to do it over again god forbid so she pressed her body tight to the X-frame, the X-frame was suddenly her friend, it would help her not to move and when the burning began just to the left of the crack of her ass she screamed long and hard and high into the ball and gag and heard and smelled her own flesh burn, fine hair burning and meat.

Her body drenched itself with sudden sweat, her body wanted to put out the fire that was huge like a thousand pinpricks everywhere, not just her ass but everywhere and when it was done she slumped groaning in her manacles and hung limp against the X-frame and heard ice and water sloshing in a metal container and then he was pressing an ice cold cloth to the wound and some of the pain slid into the cloth and out of her, coming back fierce and hot again and again as the rag cooled until he immersed it again and pressed it to her and all the while they said nothing, silent as priests standing before an altar.

Kath double-checked her work on the bandage. There was just enough play in the square white gauze pad so that when Sara moved around inside the Long Box the tape wouldn’t pull it too tight and the wound would be able to breathe. Overnight the bacitracin would do its work but the V-shaped blister probably would still suppurate for a while. She’d have to watch that. Have a look at it first thing in the morning.

No infections.

The home-made branding iron, a two-pronged fondue fork with a tooled wooden handle, lay beside the cooling hotplate on the worktable. She needed to put that away. Sara was never supposed to see what he’d used to create “his symbol.” He was very good at coming up with imaginative uses for everyday household items. In his hands a meat skewer, a pizza cutter or even a dozen clothespins and some twine could transform themselves into instruments of exquisite torture, worse in a lot of ways than all the belts and whips. The fondue fork was a new one but then he was always coming up with new stuff. She’d see him sometimes just sitting in a chair staring off into space and know he was dreaming about all the possibilities. Trying them out in his mind.

Sometimes just watching him would make her shudder.

She took Sara by the shoulders and turned her toward the box and gently pushed her forward. She still wore the gag and blindfold. Her steps were small, tentative. Almost childlike.

“Okay. Stop here.”

The box was open but she still needed to slide out the runnered panel. Stephen had used three-in-one oil on the wheels and runners just this morning so it slid out easily.

“Guess what?” she said. “You get a treat tonight. Three treats actually. First, no gag. You saw last night — there’s nobody around anyway. Plus the walls are soundproofed.”

She untied it and lifted the rubber ball out of her mouth. She never liked this part. The ball was slimy. She didn’t even like the feel of it when she had to take it out of her own mouth. Much less somebody else’s.

“Second, you get this. Hold out your hand.”

She handed her a thin faded cotton nightgown. It used to be her mother’s. Her mother was dead three years now or would be in December and she’d ransacked the house for anything that might be of use to them before they sold the property. No sense wasting. Most of what she took turned out to be less useful than she’d thought. The nightgown, for instance, had sat in mothballs along with a bunch of other stuff in a box in the attic ever since. It was much too big for her. And much too big for Sara. But it would do. After a washing it still smelled faintly of mothballs but that hardly mattered.

Thanks, ma.

“You can put it on.”

She said nothing, not even a thank you, only found the neck of it and then the bottom and pulled it on over her head. Kath guessed she’d have to tell Stephen about her lack of gratitude.

“But the real treat, because of the mark and all, is you get to sleep on a mattress tonight. An air-mattress. Otherwise you’d never get any sleep, you know? Stephen pumped it up for you. See? Here, lean down and feel.”

She took her arm and guided her hand.

“Nice and soft, right? You need to use the toilet or anything?”

She shook her head no.

“Okay, move over here and lie down and I’ll scoot you in. Careful not to scrape the bandages or it’ll hurt like a bitch. Plus I’ll have to do you up all over again.”

She watched her ease herself down, favoring her right hip, then move her legs in along the mattress and lie slowly back, once again favoring her right side.

It still wasn’t going to be an easy night, she thought. Air mattress or no air mattress. Burns hurt. And what was it that they said? you bang your elbow once, you’ll probably bang it again. She’d roll over on the burn at some point for sure. None of that was her problem though and Stephen was waiting for her upstairs in the bedroom. She knew he’d want to fuck tonight. She didn’t know if she could handle it if he got as energetic as he had the night before. She’d be wearing the bruises from that little session for days.

They also said that killing makes you horny.

She supposed she had the proof of that one.

” ’Night,” she said and pushed the panel into the box and swung the headpiece shut and threw the lock. As she stood again she smelled her own perspiration wafting up at her.

If they were going to fuck she was definitely going to need a shower.

Sara felt it immediately down at the end of the box.

The cat lay curled at her feet.

She wondered when it had crept in and how it had avoided getting hurt by the sliding panel and thought that well, cats were very agile. She’d known that since she was a girl.

She’d learned the hard way.

Her cat Tiggy was then just a kitten. She was only five or six herself and loved him to distraction. She probably drove him crazy half the time, always wanting to pick him up and hold him, chasing him around the house trying to pet him. But he was patient with her in his catlike way and tolerated her hugs and kisses until his own enjoyment began to wear thin, at which point he’d signal that enough was enough with a little meow and more often than not she’d let him drop then and let him go his way.

Sometimes though she wouldn’t, not right away and the reason was his breath. His breath was one of her guilty pleasures. His fur smelled wonderful. But in some ways his breath smelled even better. It smelled to her like the seashore. It always did, whether it was fish or chicken or meat-flavored food he’d been eating and this she found amazing. It was warm and rich and its salty tang reminded her of summers by the shore. So sometimes she’d wouldn’t let him go at the first meow. Instead she’d hold onto him, nose up close to his mouth for a whiff of his breath on the second meow. She wouldn’t let him squirm away.

And just this one time he bit her.

They were out on the back lawn sitting in the grass and she was holding him, holding him too long and probably too tightly and instead of meowing the second time as he usually did he nipped her nose instead. Not hard enough to break the skin but hard enough to hurt and make her angry, actually suddenly furious at him and when she thought about it later as an adult she realized she must have seen the bite as a kind of rejection. A rejection of her love just like her father’s rejection because she was a girl and not the boy he wanted. Like her mother’s merely qualified acceptance. Like other kids’ rejection because she was fat and not yet pretty.

The cat sensed her fury instantly and began to snarl and spit, a small bundle of teeth and claws and though she’d never seen him angry before and it scared her, she held him away from her and let him writhe and struggle and she squeezed until the cat let go with an ungodly wail of abject fear and she realized what she was doing, terrorizing a small animal, taking out her anger at somebody on an innocent kitten. And heartsick, attacked by sudden tears, she dropped him to the grass.

He ran. But she couldn’t let it go at that.

She had to get him back. Hold him, pet him, stroke him. Reassure him that it would never, never happen again and let him know how sorry she was and that she loved him.

So she ran too.

There was a woods behind her house and a brook, narrow and fast-running after a rain like the one they’d had the night before and the cat ran away from her back through the grass and scrub, the cat small but incredibly fast and nimble for its size and she couldn’t catch him, he kept avoiding her, she was running as fast as she could and scaring him even more she knew by chasing him but her guilt was huge and overwhelming and she couldn’t stop. Not until she had him home again, until she was sure he wouldn’t run away for good from the monstrous awful thing she’d done and suddenly, there was the brook.

The cat ran along the stones by its bank but he was in full panic by now and he slipped and fell right in front of her eyes too far away to reach. She screamed and saw him try to scale the rock he’d fallen from but his claws could get no purchase and he began to drift downstream, his meow a piteous thing now tearing at her heart, an infant calling for its mother, the cat’s eyes terrified, astonished, as he started moving fast away from her in the deep pull of the stream.

She plunged through the brush trying to get ahead of him. Trying to go faster than the stream, refusing to take her eyes off him for a second, unmindful of the branches scratching at her face or the brambles tearing at her legs but only watching as though her gaze alone would stop him from drowning. She saw him go under and come up again and claw at a rock and whirl in the current, scrabbling with his paws, trying to stay afloat and all the while his wailing in her ears and the sounds of the rushing stream and finally after an eternity it widened, slowed and she stumbled into the water and had him in her hands, Tiggy so cold and wet and fragile, she could feel his heart racing against her own chest as he clung to her for dear life and gone suddenly silent, looking every which way out through the woods as though he’d never seen them before. As though the whole world were new and frightening and she couldn’t even say words to comfort him she was crying so hard, she could only stroke and pet him. And then the miracle, the absolute miracle happened.

At the steps to their porch he started to purr.

As this cat here in the box with her was purring.

She didn’t know if it was this cat or remembering Tiggy’s forgiveness that started her crying but they were the first tears she’d shed that were not in fear or pain for a very long time. She couldn’t move much inside the box but she bent her knees until they pressed against the top and shifted sideways until her shoulder hit the right side and reached out in the dark and wiggled her fingers.

“Come on” she whispered. “Come on. Come here.”

The cat fell silent. She was aware only of the throbbing burn and the unyielding wood and the dark until in a little while she felt the soft short silky fur beneath her fingers and felt it nuzzle and mark her with its lips and cool wet nose and the warmth of its body as it lay down to settle in against her thigh. The cat immediately began to purr again and she thought there was no better sound in the breathing world.

“There’s a good girl,” she murmured. “There’s a good little girl. There’s a girl.”

And then another miracle occurred.

She smiled.

He dreamed that he sat in the basement on a folding chair with his ear pressed to her swollen belly. She was huge now, her navel protruding and he was speaking to the baby not to her. He could feel his lips move over the tight smooth flesh of her belly. She was naked, her arms and legs spread wide against the X-frame and inside her the baby was listening. Understanding each and every word but unable to answer him, not yet fully formed for speech.

That didn’t matter.

He told the baby about the world, about its cruelties, its ability to slight even the most talented, the most honest, the most sincere the human race had to offer. He told it about war and killing and hypocrisy and foul tainted passion and the baby listened, understanding each and every word even if the mother didn’t — couldn’t — understand him at all. It was as though he were speaking a foreign language as far as the mother was concerned. That annoyed him. Then angered him. He was going to have to punish her.

He stood up and didn’t recognize her at all. Who the fuck was this woman? Who did she think she was? The woman was smirking at him, a superior look on her face and that angered him further and he went to the worktable for a pair of pliers. He was going to work on the nipples, open them up with pliers so that when the time came the baby could feed not just on mother’s milk but blood too which was richer and more nourishing and suddenly he was stepping into a huge wide open field in the middle of the night and there were stars all around above and he felt very small and very much younger and very afraid of being alone at night under such a crowded sky.

And then the pliers were gone from his hand he was lying in his bed asleep next to Kath, something tormenting his sleep, something forgotten or left undone that was making him sweat and toss in a halfsleep, on the cusp of wakefulness, trying to remember what it was he’d omitted to do when suddenly he felt sething hit the window-screen behind him and push it out from the inside, something escaping and he thought, the cat, goddammit and he bolted upright in his bed expecting to see exactly that, the cat escaping through the window but all he saw was the fluttering curtain, pale white lace drifting slowly, hanging in the summer air.

THREE WEEKS THIRTEEN

On the sixth day of her captivity she recognized him. It was a gesture he made, holding his arm out, his hand palm-up toward the X-frame. Directing her there. In the gesture and in the smug self-satisfied smile she saw the man on the street in front of the clinic the day of her examination, the pink plastic foetus in his upturned hand.

She knew Kath to be the woman who’d followed them inside.

She said nothing nor did she allow her eyes to register what she saw. She was not yet a week in his basement but already she’d learned how to mask her feelings unless those feelings involved pain and terror. Those she couldn’t master.

Daily over the next two weeks she was beaten on the X-frame. Sometimes blindfolded, sometimes inside the headbox. Kath had contrived a double-thick bib of old dishcloths for her to wear against the chafe of the box at her shoulderblades. The bottom layer was faded blue. The top was faded green.

Sometimes the beatings were short, lasting only a matter of minutes, pro forma. Seemingly almost passionless. An exercise in power and no more. He would use a belt or a light crop.

Other times they were endless. He would spend the night with her devising new ways to torment her as other men might sit in front of the television set nursing a beer. On these nights she could feel his excitement spreading like ozone through the basement air. There were occasions when she wore only the blindfold and could hear that he was masturbating. Light liquid slapping sounds followed by a groan.

Her contempt for him was matched only by her need to conceal it.

On the ninth day he seemed to realize that she could probably hear what he was doing and put rubber earplugs in her ears from then on.

There were times when every orifice in her body was plugged except her nostrils. Ears, ass, mouth, vagina.

He grew more inventive. Bound her in exotic ways. He hung her on the frame upside down and beat her until she nearly passed out from the blood rushing to her head. He held a heat-lamp inches from her skin and watched her skin redden and burn and watched her twist in pain. He poked her with knives, pins, meat-forks. He strangled her with his hands and when she passed out he waited and when she woke he strangled her again.

Worst by far were his rages. She’d been told to control her bodily functions but one night it simply wasn’t possible, she’d been on the rack too long and there was no bedpan in front of her so she held it as long as she could and then she just let go. Her relief at so doing ended when he came at her with the studded whip. He was very good with the whip and this time he targeted one place only, the delicate flesh of her armpits and whipped them until she could feel the blood ran down her sides all the way to the hip.

He called her a whore and a cunt and a bitch and a pig and a useless cow and whatever else he could think of. Not just when he was hurting her. He used the words constantly. Conversationally. Reminding her that he could say and do anything he pleased.

There were days she went twenty-four hours between meals. Her only drink was water. Her food consisted of greasy cheap tuna salad or American cheese sandwiches on white bread and canned vegetable soup. It never varied. She was not allowed to brush her teeth or brash her hair. She was not allowed to wash except those parts of her he had blistered or bloodied.

She began to stink.

Inside the long dark box where she stayed through most of the day she began to mark the time by marking temperatures. Mornings it was always cool. During the course of the afternoon the box would warm both from the basement temperature outside and her body inside and by mid-afternoon while they were still both at work she would be slick with sweat and reeking with her own thick musky smell and would stay that way until they got around to opening it. When they let her out they would leave the box open to air out. When she got in again the temperature would drop till morning and then begin to warm again.

Her daily cycle.

On the tenth day Stephen noticed the cat moving into the box while it lay open and she was on the X-frame. The cat had come to her some nights and some nights it had not. She heard him shouting at it despite the earplugs which were never very efficient anyway and then heard Kath say something to him in a loud voice and then she heard them talking. When they put her back in the box that night the cat was there. They’d allowed it to stay. She didn’t know why. But she was grateful for the cat and she thought that perhaps that was the point. To make her grateful. Grateful to them.

But she was grateful only to the cat. To her soothing presence. To have somebody to talk to even if that somebody couldn’t talk back. Grateful that the cat didn’t mind sharing with her the thick sweltering air.

The cat seemed glad of her presence too. Brushing up against her ankles as she stood tied to the X-frame or walked either to there or to the chair so that a couple of times the cat almost tripped her. She didn’t mind.

When he wasn’t hurting her he was telling her stories or occasionally reading scripture. The readings were usually about children or husbands and wives, slaves and masters. He liked Corinthians, Ephesians, Colossians, Genesis.

“Now Sairai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. And she had an Egyptian maidservant whose name was Hagar.

“So Sarai said to Abram, ’See now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her.’ And Abram heeded the voice of Sarai.

“Then Sarai, Abram’s wife, took Hagar her maid, the Egyptian, and gave her to her husband to be his wife…”

The stories were always about the Organization.

The house, he told her, was bugged. They monitored the phone. They had known she was here from the very beginning and got daily reports on her progress.

Organization members were everywhere. The local police precinct. The legislature. The White House.

He gave her a Daily News article to read about the slave trade which said that in the Mideast, Europe and even in the U.S. the growing interest in S &M had lately given rise to a brisk profitable business in female flesh, women kidnapped for sale or barter to the rich and powerful with no rights or recourse to law. To be dealt with as each owner saw fit. To be tracked down and punished should they dare and then actually manage to run away. He told her that it was his father who had introduced him to the Organization and that as a young man he’d earned enough money to put himself through college by tracking down runaways.

He told her about one escapee who managed to elude the Organization long enough to actually write and publish an article about her experience. It took months but eventually they found her a second time and returned her to her owner. They pulled her fingers off one by one and then pulled off her toes. They cut out her tongue and blinded her with a soldering gun and used a stiletto to destroy her eardrums. They enlisted an Organization doctor to cut off her arms and legs without benefit of anaesthesia and then to cauterize the wounds. Finally they hung her, still alive, by her long braided hair on a hook above her master’s bed where she continued to live for three days. A trophy above him writhing in agony while he slept and read.

He showed her some of her father’s mail, two circulars and a phone bill, told her that they’d been brought to him by their own mailman, who was part of the Organization too, for her to see. So she’d understand just how easy it was to get to him or any time they cared to.

He showed her a roster of her students’ names and addresses.

On the eleventh day, a Sunday, he ordered her to suck his cock. It was the first time she’d refused him anything in several days. He tied her to the bolted-down chair, pulled off her blindfold and produced an over-and-under double-barrel shotgun. He ordered her to open her mouth and when she would not forced the shotgun into her mouth, the cold metal cutting her lips and grinding past her teeth. She had no way of knowing if it was loaded or not until he pulled the trigger.

Which he did.

He replaced the shotgun with his cock and this time she did as he said. She wondered if he’d have dared had Kath been in the room. Two nights later she assumed she had her answer when he rolled her blindfolded out of the Long Box, told her to lie right where she was, tied her hands behind her back and shortly thereafter a naked Kath descended upon her face. She suspected this was not Kath’s idea because she seemed reluctant at first but eventually began to buck and moan. And then she must have said something to him about Sara’s smell because she was finally allowed upstairs to take a shower, both of them standing in the bathroom looking on so she wouldn’t try to squeeze her way out the window.

In the shower as she soaped her naked belly she realized she was showing.

She wondered if they noticed.

On the twentieth day she felt the baby move inside her.

The beatings continued.

For Stephen the days passed working at his shop in town or out in the garage. Gluing down veneer, repairing legs of chairs and tables, finishing and polishing old wood. He created a pine bookshelf, a nightstand, an oak desk. He was fast and efficient and charged reasonably for his work and time. He brought each job in on schedule which was a rarity these days. He was affable, friendly, listened carefully to his clients’ needs and was good at what he did. No master craftsman but then this was not New York City either. He had no lack of customers.

Either he was working with wood or he was working on Sara.

He wasn’t sure if it was Sara or the shop or the struggle with McCann that had given him the case of tendonitis. But the elbow was swollen into a little marble at the joint and twinged constantly. He was left-handed and now his grip was considerably weakened and the elbow hurt miserably if he used the hand too much. There were mornings he’d have a hard time digging his keys out of his pocket and an even harder time locking the door behind him. He was popping two ibuprophen every four hours and one progesterone a day, the latter on Doc Richardson’s proscription. If it didn’t help in two weeks, the doctor said, if the swelling didn’t go down he’d have to inject a steroid directly into the tendon. It wasn’t a prospect he looked forward to.

Every time he used that arm to swing the whip or drive a nail it hurt him.

He began to have fleeting headaches and strange, frequent memories of his mother’s funeral.

At the service they’d set six metal folding chairs at the grave site, one for each of her chief mourners. His father, his mother’s sister June and brothers Bill and Ernie plus himself and Kath. Kath had a stomach virus that grey September day so she elected to stand behind the chairs and he to stand with her. At eighty-two, with heart disease and emphysema Uncle Bill found it easier not to sit only to have to stand again so he stood too. Which left three of the six chairs empty.

His father sat in the middle. Aunt June and Uncle Ernie sat together to the far left. There was no love lost between his father and either of them. So that one chair remained open to the left of him and two remained open to the right. The minister invited any other members of the assembly to have a seat but not a soul among the twenty-five people or so attending really wished to sit with him. The mourners were there for his mother, not for him. He realized his father had not a single real friend among them and no family of his own left and thought with some amazement that he’d never seen anyone look quite so lonely.

That his father should sit unattended wasn’t right, wasn’t even proper and disconcerted by this, embarrassed, the minister asked again.

Again there was hesitation. Why he didn’t sit with his father himself he didn’t know but instead he stayed with Kath. Finally two old women Stephen had never seen in his life took pity on him or perhaps they took pity on the minister and filled the vacant seats on either side. The sixth chair remained open throughout the ceremony as though for some departed guest.

Why this memory should come back to him now so frequently puzzled him. But it came at the strangest times. When he was going for the whip. When he was emptying her bedpan those few instances Kath wasn’t around to do it. When he manacled her to the X-frame. The time they allowed her upstairs for a shower. He would see his father sitting alone and stony in that folding chair.

One day over dinner he realized that he was disappointed with Sara in some ways. Or disappointed with his own responses. It seemed to him that his fantasies were never quite matched by reality when he acted on them. Her sufferings were never quite as provocative as he’d imagined, her helplessness and nudity never quite as stimulating, her submissiveness never as fulfilling. He probably needed to be more spontaneous, he thought. To plan less and imagine less. That way he wouldn’t always be forced to match his thinking to reality.

He also recognized early on the need to escalate. At least for now.

To push his limits as well as hers. That was what the strangling was about and heat-lamp and the studded whip.

He’d promised Kath he wouldn’t fuck her but he didn’t say anything about her using her mouth. No promises there. Even so she’d been angry about the blowjob and he thought that telling her was probably a mistake. But for some reason he couldn’t help but tell her. He needed her to know. It was part of being Kath’s master as well as Sara’s. So was having her sit on Sara’s face. She hadn’t wanted to do it. He’d had to threaten a whipping.

Escalate.

It was actually a little scary. On the twelfth day he had her on the X-frame and inside the headbox and he’d taken a Swiss Army knife off his worktable. His idea was to use the corkscrew on her clit. See what it did to her. But instead he automatically opened to the long blade. He always kept it sharp. He thought, fine, I’ll use that first on her nipples and then the corkscrew on her clit but when he approached her with the knife in hand he started to shake. He started circling the areola which seemed to be darkening as the pregnancy advanced but the shaking got worse. He had to stop.

You’re afraid you’re going to kill her, he thought.

You really could some day, you know that? You could go too far much too soon if let yourself.

Which made him a little afraid of her.

Not that she’d get away somehow because that was damned unlikely and besides, the Organization stories were working, he could tell. No, you’re afraid of her because she might just make you want to kill her one of these days just by being available for the killing and that would be very spontaneous and very much an escalation, wouldn’t it?

Then he thought about the baby. It would be terrible to harm the baby. She was just beginning to show.

He felt sure she’d have made a good mother.

In some ways he actually admired her. She had guts and will and stamina. The will he’d have to break, was already breaking but he wanted to let her hold onto the stamina. She’d need it for what they had in mind.

He folded the sharp blade back into the Swiss Army knife and pulled out the corkscrew and when the shaking stopped finally he went to work on her the way he’d planned to.

Kath wished she could call Gail. Her best and oldest friend. They’d met way back in nursing school and stayed friends even though these days Gail lived in the City working at Bellevue. But Stephen was always afraid of somebody dropping by unexpectedly. She wasn’t going to be allowed to encourage friendships for the duration. The duration was turning into a damned long time.

It wasn’t fair.

She hated the isolation.

She thought that Sara wasn’t the only one imprisoned here.

Sure she had work at the hospital to get her out of the house five days a week but she didn’t really have any friends among the staff there. He wouldn’t let her go to any meetings or rallies either. He didn’t want them to be seen, he said, till it was over. So she was stuck with the house and the basement and the television and that was it.

He’d almost completely stopped fucking her. That was another thing.

On the sixth day she drove home from work in a blinding summer rainstorm and ran directly upstairs to run a good hot shower and change out of her drenched clothes and when she came back down toweling her hair, wanting to get a coke from the fridge, she saw that the door to the cellar was open. She felt a moment’s panic thinking that somehow she’d managed to get out of the Long Box, to get free. Until she looked out the window and saw that Stephen’s pickup was parked behind her own car in the driveway.

She walked downstairs and saw that he hadn’t even bothered to change out of his work clothes which were just as wet as hers had been. Wet sawdust caked the legs and knees of his jeans.

He already had her out of the box and up on the X-frame and was beating her ass with a paddle. He had the paddle in one hand and his cock in the other and she turned and went upstairs. Grossed-out and furious at both of them.

She knew perfectly well why she was mad and disgusted with Stephen.

Her feelings for Sara were more complex.

On the one hand it was as though Sara were a kind of rival. He sure as hell had never run home to have sex with her five minutes after walking through the door.

But she was also aware that Sara was her savior too in a way. That if it weren’t for Sara up there on the X-frame it would be her. And if her sex life was practically non-existent these days so were the kinky games he always needed to play.

So why was she so mad at her? Why so disgusted?

The disgust part was easy. The dull unwashed hair. The stink of sweat and sometimes urine. She could guess that the mad part was just plain jealousy. Jealousy over the baby she carried inside and jealous that he wanted her — wanted to use her in spite of the dirtiness and the smell. But she kept coming back to the fact that it was Sara or it was her up there and why in the world would anyone in her right mind be jealous of the way he was using her because it hurt for god’s sake. It was fucking degrading and it hurt. It confused her.

Anyone in her right mind, she thought.

Maybe she was crazy. She’d considered it seriously from time to time.

Maybe you’d have to be crazy to live with him.

But she’d stuck thus far. She knew she’d play it through. She’d lie to Sara and befriend her — she was turning into a world-class liar — take her side in little things like the shower and the cat, talk to her quietly and seriously about the Organization. All of it an act. See where things went. That was what she’d do.

And then the oddest thing happened.

She hadn’t wanted it. Stephen had kidded, cajoled, yelled and finally threatened so that eventually she gave in and went down and shed her clothes and straddled her and at first nothing was going on. Certainly Sara wasn’t cooperating. Her tongue and lips just lay there under her wet and slack and then Kath started to move, not expecting much at first but doing it all on her own with no direction from Stephen and even with no cooperation coming from below soon she thought she was going to fucking explode, she was moving back and forth and side to side and directing it all herself, total power over her body and over Sara’s, wholly in command of the pace and the action until finally she found herself shuddering, quivering in the grip of the most powerful orgasm of her entire life.

She couldn’t believe it.

It only made her feelings all the more complicated. That this should happen with a woman. When she’d never even considered having sex with a woman before. And this particular woman, their captive, Stephen’s captive and now in a way that was far more real than before, her own.

The night of the fourteenth day she waited until Stephen was asleep. She took the flashlight off its hook in the kitchen and walked quietly downstairs. She sat down in the chair and let her light play across the Long Box, annoyed with herself and uncomfortable with what thoughts and feelings had drawn her here. Annoyed with Sara and with Stephen too.

She could imagine her breathing inside the box. The rise and fall of her breasts. The slow small shift inside her belly.

Could imagine the cord like driftwood to which the baby clung, tossed in a rich warm sea.

GESTATION FOURTEEN

It was only by accident that she found the equipment.

Months had passed and by then much had changed.

She knew who they were for one thing.

Stephen and Katherine Teach. Forty-six and forty-four respectively. They’d met seven years ago on a ward at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Sussex, New Jersey — she knew where she was now too, a small rural town hours northwest of the City — where he was a patient and she was his day-nurse. He had nearly put his eye out with a chunk of wood when his power-saw hit a knot in a two-by-four. They’d dated. Married six months later.

Both were only children with no living parents. Kath was Catholic and Stephen was a Baptist though neither went to church much anymore. Stephen liked to brag that it didn’t matter, he’d read the Bible six times over cover to cover including the begats, he was his own church. They liked action movies and comedies and Chinese food and pizza. They disliked housework completely. Especially doing the dishes. As though the remains of a meal were revolting to them. They had no discernable hobbies unless you counted the anti-abortion rallies and demonstrations they could no longer go to now that Sara was with them and you counted the Organization. They read only magazines — not even the newspaper. They got their news off the TV screen. Said it was easier.

They owned a CD player and never used it. Instead they watched TV.

Katherine was barren.

That was the word they used. Barren.

They’d always been saddened by this. They felt that a baby would solidify the bond between them. At least Kath did.

Nowadays she rarely spoke to Stephen.

So she learned all this from Kath. Who was lonely. Who was bored. Who spoke to her a lot.

And who — for lack of a better, more hideous word — had become her lover.

Since that first afternoon with Kath astride her outside the Long Box she had come to her more and more frequently. Always alone. Usually at night when Stephen was asleep but sometimes during the day on lunchbreaks or on weekends when he was out of the house on some errand or other, about once a week at first and then twice a week and then nearly every night.

She seemed entranced by Sara’s body. You’d have thought it were a beautiful body but it wasn’t. Not anymore. At least not to Sara’s thinking. The body was heavy and slow. The waist was gone, the belly huge. A ragged dark line ran from the top to the bottom of her abdomen. Her legs were swollen. Blue veins mapped the surfaces of her breasts. Her nipples leaked pale nearly colorless colostrum.

All these Kath licked and squeezed and bit. Lapped at the colostrum. Caressed the swollen belly as though caressing the baby inside it. I’m a nurse, she said. I’m just going to examine you.

Kath never did bathe or shower nearly often enough.

Her insides tasted bitter.

What Kath did to her and made her do seemed to shame her and excite her all at once. When it was over she would always want to talk. Chattering away like she was talking to some girlfriend. About her patients at the hospital or the job Stephen was working on. About the weather and her car needing a tune-up and the phone bills and the payments on the house and the movie they’d seen on HBO the night before. Whatever. Nervous talk with her eyes averted while Sara stood tied to the X-frame or more often to the chair or the sliding panel of the Long Box.

She would tell her stories of the Organization that were just as bad as Stephen’s.

One day she showed her pictures. Black-and-white photos of her father watering his lawn. Of her students playing kickball on the Winthrop schoolgrounds. Of her sister stepping out of her car with a shopping bag in her arms.

Of Greg. Walking some tree-lined street in Rye between his wife and son.

She was tied to the chair.

“He’s handsome,” she said. “I don’t blame you for wanting to make it with the guy.”

“We didn’t just make it. We were lovers.”

“What about the wife and kid?”

“What about them?”

“They’re a. family. Look at them. They look happy together.”

She looked at the photos again. At least he wasn’t smiling.

“They weren’t.”

“It’s still a family. Why would you want to break up a family?”

“I didn’t.”

“You would have. You would have sooner or later.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I think it’s fucking selfish of you. You’re better off here. It’s better for everybody.”

If what Kath felt was a mix of shame and excitement Sara felt only the shame. But as with Stephen she submitted. Not to do so would be murderous as well as suicidal. The photos were proof if she even needed proof by then. The Organization existed. Whether they knew it or not, everyone she loved was depending on her behavior.

Stephen had shown her a pistol one afternoon. He said it was a.45. Spun the barrel for her. Threw the safety. Pointed it at her. Clicked.

She’d already seen the shotgun. Very up close and personal.

She behaved.

And as a result the whippings and the torture became less frequent. She hardly even saw the headbox anymore. They let her out of the Long Box now for long periods at a time. Insisting that she exercise for the baby’s sake. Upper body bends. Belly-crunches. Leg lifts. Diagonal curls. Her diet still consisted mainly of sandwiches but they gave her juice and and milk and herbal tea and the occasional leftover Chinese takeout or slice of pizza.

She was allowed to dress.

Faded print housecoats or shifts that even with her belly still hung loose on her frame. Kath said they’d belonged to her mother and they looked it. Cheap old ladies’ clothes that were hopelessly out of style. But she was as grateful for them as she’d have been for Ralph Lauren originals. She was not allowed panties or a bra.

She still had to strip on demand.

But it was Kath these days who did most of the demanding.

After the first three months or so Stephen had changed. She could pinpoint easily exactly when the change began.

The last time she’d disobeyed him.

The first and only time she’d tried to run.

She was upstairs by then, out of the cellar a good part of every evening and weekends so she could do the housework Steven and Kath both hated. At first she was appalled at the state of the place. A nice place basically, or it could have been. Two bedrooms, one bath, a living room, a small kitchen and dining area and an attic, built just after the end of World War II on somebody’s GI Bill. But everywhere evidence of casual filth and disorder. A film of grime over everything in the bathroom, balls of hair and dust in every corner, crusted toothpaste in the sink. Dust thick on all the furniture. The drapes needed washing. The rugs needed washing. The kitchen was a greasy mess.

But she set to all of it gladly. Anything to relieve the isolation and boredom and depression of the basement. At the kitchen sink she could look out a window to the yard and the trees and squirrels and the birds pecking at the lawn and rarely even think that beyond the trees they’d buried a man. She could open the windows and let in cool fresh air.

Though she set to it carefully too. Any mistakes and she was up on the X-frame again or tied to the chair, her pregnancy be damned.

The cat seemed always at her feet.

After a while she got the house in shape and from then on it was only maintenance. Vacuuming, dusting, laundry, cleaning after meals.

The bathroom was spotless. The windows gleamed in the sun.

Kath laughed. “You’re a pretty good slave,” she said.

She was.

There were times during her third trimester when her back ached terribly and she felt very short of breath. She knew that the shortness of breath was her uterus expanded and pushing up against her diaphragm. She had to explain this to Stephen. Who’d get annoyed with her whenever she stopped working. She was relieved when the baby dropped lower in her abdomen and made breathing easier.

For a while she’d hated the baby. The baby was the reason for her captivity. But she’d gotten used to the notion of actually having her now. Of bringing her to term and delivering.

She’d gotten used to so much else. It wasn’t hard to get used to this.

Then one sunny September day there was nobody around to watch her. Nobody.

No Kath. No Stephen.

She realized this while she was letting the cat out through the back door.

The silence. The emptiness. Looming with potential.

There was nobody in the whole damn house but her, free upstairs. Just finishing up the breakfast dishes.

Kath had driven into town to do the usual Saturday shopping.

She didn’t know where Stephen was. He just wasn’t there. Though his pickup was in the driveway.

She couldn’t believe it. She looked around to be sure. The bedrooms, the bathroom, the cellar. Even walked upstairs to the attic. She peered out the windows front and back. Nobody there. The narrow dirt road that wound down the hill to the mailbox was empty. So was the back yard all the way to the woods. The garage door was closed.

He had a shop there but if he were in it he’d have left the door open and even in broad daylight she knew a light would be on inside.

She could leave. She could do it. She could walk away.

She could run.

Her heart was pounding. What about the Organization? What would they do if she got away? She could warn everyone, couldn’t she? Of course she could. Tell her mother and father and Greg and the kids’ parents and get the cops to protect them. Get these two arrested. Make them pay.

For kidnapping. For murder.

The Organization had a long reach, they said. They could wait and bide their time and even if Kath and Stephen were locked up in jail they’d get her. Get all of them. That was what they said.

But how could she not run? How could she not try?

Oh, god. She couldn’t.

She walked to the front door and did the simplest, most amazing thing.

She opened it.

Walked down the wooden stairs she had walked only once before in all these months and that was going up, not down them, walked them slowly and carefully because they creaked and moaned under her feet and she was looking for him side to side all the time, around the tall hedges that needed trimming, along the line of trees far off to her right and then she was on the gravel path that led through the front yard to the road and she was running, aware of her bulk and the weakness of her legs, the legs complaining of too little exercise and her breath coming hard and then heard him behind her on the gravel, turned and saw him drop the rake why hadn’t she checked the sides of the house? he was out there raking the leaves for god’s sake and she stopped dead in her tracks because there was no way she was going to outrun him and stood her ground and looked at him.

He stopped running. Walked up to her, shaking his head, brows knit tight.

Then slapped her to the ground.

“Get up,” he said. “Get your ass up

He grabbed her by the arm and hauled her to her feet. Marched her back to the house, up the stairs and in. The kiss of warm sunlight disappeared behind her back like a fair-weather friend. He slammed the door. She was crying so hard she could barely see and her ear was ringing where he’d slapped her and throbbed with pain. He moved her through the house to the cellar stairs and down into the cold dark.

“You fat fucking cow! Strip! Get your ass over to the X-frame. You run from me?”

So furious he was spitting.

“Turn around! Spread your legs. Get your arms up.”

He strapped her into the manacles.

“You run from me, you bitch? I ought to break your fucking legs. You fat sow. You cunt!”

“Please, Stephen. The baby…”

It was her only card.

He was pacing the cellar, the studded whip in hand, slapping it against his jeans. Screaming at her.

“Fuck the baby! Fuck you! You know what I ought to do? You know what I really ought to do? I ought to kill you, you little bitch. I ought to kill you right now and to hell with the baby. You try to run from me? You want to go get a cop? You want to put the cops on me? Four months you been here. Four fucking months I put up with you and your bullshit and this is what I get? You little cunt. I ought to kill you and fuck the baby, to hell with the baby, screw the fucking baby.”

He threw the whip at her. The heavy knotted handle struck her in the eye. He moved swiftly to the worktable and came back with the red Swiss army knife in his hand open to the cutting blade. His eyes glittered.

“You want to fuck around? You want to call the cops on me? Well how ’bout we give ’em something. How ’bout we really give ’em something? How ’bout we do this?”

He stabbed her. The soft flesh below her left shoulder.

She felt the sudden punch of the thing and the searing burst of pain.

“How ’bout we do this?”

He shoved the knife into her inner thigh. The pain was a hammer and a snake-bite. Her body slammed back against the X-frame and she screamed. Through the sudden panic she saw where he was going. The hand drew back. Pointed at her swollen abdomen.

“How ’bout we…”

“STEPHENNOPLEEEASETHEBABY!” she wailed.

He stopped. Stared at her.

His face went pale. He staggered once and lowered the knife and then looked away from her, looked down at the floor as though studying something there and then walked slowly over to the worktable and folded back the blade of the knife and put it carefully down. Then just stood there staring at the table. Blood was rolling down her side over her hip and down her thigh across her calf and pooling at her foot. She hung there shaking. Sobbing, watching him.

“I better clean you up,” he murmured. “I better clean up the mess you made. Before Kath comes home.”

Now, a month later, those were practically his last words to her.

He seemed to have lost interest.

She was damn well glad of that but worried as to why. He moped around the house, drank too much beer at night in front of the TV. Mornings Kath would let her out of the Long Box and half the time he’d be still in bed or only just getting up. She’d see the empty bottles. There were times beads of sweat would break out over his forehead, for no apparent reason. He walked with a kind of stoop. His muscle tone seemed to have gone slack. He seemed almost as depressed as she was. Kath said he was worried about money, with taxes and mortgage payments being what they were. But Sara thought it was something else.

She didn’t know why she should be worried. So what if he was depressed? Why should she care? The man had almost killed her. She didn’t know what it signified or why it should concern her but it did.

Her apprehension resolved itself into something infinitely worse the week before Halloween when she went up into the attic looking for a replacement bag for the vacuum cleaner. And saw what they’d stored there.

“When this is over I want to find another,” he said.

They were lying in bed back to back. She guessed he couldn’t sleep.

She knew what he meant and she didn’t like it one bit. The baby was supposed to be the glue. The baby was supposed to be sufficient. How long did he think this was going to go on? With how many? “Jesus, Stephen. With a baby in the house?”

He snorted. “The baby won’t know.”

“What about us? What about our lives? What about our friends? The baby’s got to have friends and so do we.”

“The baby isn’t going to need any friends the first year or two. I want somebody younger this time, Kath. She’s too fucking old. She doesn’t do it for me. She’s fucking disgusting.”

He was serious for god’s sake. She thought back to Shawna, the first one. She’d been younger all right. Sixteen.

Buried in back a few feet away from McCann.

He’d been playing with electricity. They hadn’t known she had a bad heart.

How many?

“Stephen, I want my life back. I want to have Gail over. I want to go out to dinner and a movie sometimes. I mean, is that a lot to ask?”

“I’m talking about a year or two. Once the baby’s older I’ll… settle down.”

Sure. Sure you will.

“We’ll take it easy for a while. But right now, you know. I’ve got needs!”

Like his needs were the most ordinary, matter-of-fact thing in the world.

“Stephen…”

“Look. You want it to be you again? Is that what you want?”

She did not.

But she didn’t want this either.

“We’re going to get caught. You know that. We try again, we’re gonna get caught.”

“That’s paranoid. We just have to be careful, that’s all. Like always.”

She turned to him.

“Do you realize how close we came? With McCann? What if Elsie or somebody else had seen us and not just him? We’re lucky we didn’t get caught right there.”

“Unlucky, Kath. McCann was a one-in-a-million shot for chrissake. Besides, we won’t be taking her in front of some crowd at an abortion clinic. We’ll be taking her off the street. Any street. It’ll be completely anonymous. Just like Shawna was.”

She couldn’t believe he was saying this.

“Listen to yourself. Don’t you get it? You fucking killed Shawna!” He turned and got up on one elbow and pointed his finger at her inches from her face. Jabbing at her.

“Don’t talk to me like that, Kath. You hear me? Not ever.”

He stared at her a long moment and then rolled over again.

“I’m your husband. You married me better or worse. You’ll do as I say.”

He was sick of her. Sick of her whining and sick of her sloppy body and sloppy habits. He wondered what the hell kind of mother she was going to make. He thought that maybe he’d been wrong about this all along. Right from the start. That maybe a kid was going to be one great big pain in the ass, period.

He was even more sick of Sara Foster. Her body repulsed him. The swollen blue-veined breasts, the stretch marks, the varicose veins in the backs of her knees. Even her hair had lost its sheen. And the belly itself — the thing itself. She was living with a parasite inside her body for god’s sake. How could a woman do that? He wouldn’t tell Kath this but experience was the best teacher and he’d privately decided that the Movement was all wrong. It wasn’t a kid in there, not yet. Once it was born it would be, sure. But for now it was nothing more than a tiny parasite feeding off her and depending on her for everything from its oxygen and food to dumping its piss and shit.

The whole damn thing was gross.

He couldn’t kill her, hell, he couldn’t even play with her now the way he’d played with her before, it was ashes with her body being what it was and ashes in the face of what he really wanted to do because he couldn ’t wait to kill her. It was the only thing left he hadn’t done to the bitch when you came right down to it and he knew he’d come then which he hadn’t lately, hadn’t really come.

They’d cut and pull and tear it out of her and that’d be the end of the miserable fucking life of Sara Foster.

That in mind, he slept.

FIFTEEN

“Kath. Please. What is this?”

There in the attic.

A stainless steel cart on wheels. Sponges. Sterile pads, gauze pads. Scalpels and forceps. A box of disposable syringes. Packages of sterile drapes. An IV drip. The question was rhetorical. The need to ask it, frightening.

She knew damn well what it was.

This wasn’t her first delivery.

“You’re planning to do it here? In the house? You can’t be.”

“Of course we are.” She laughed. “What did you think, we’re bringing you to the hospital? You’d have the cops on us in seconds.”

“No I wouldn’t.”

Kath patted her shoulder. “Don’t shit a shitter, Sara. Now come on back downstairs. Don’t worry about that stuff.”

“I wouldn’t say anything. I swear!”

“Right. Come on or I’m telling Stephen.”

She was losing her mind. She had to be. This couldn’t be happening.

“Wait. All right. Wait. These things here. What are they?”

“Clamps.”

They were huge.

“And this?”

“A spreader.”

“My god. What for?”

She shrugged. “We might have to… you know, a cesarean section. You use them to hold back the organs… stomach, whatever. The spreader’s for the ribs.”

“Jesus christ, Kath!”

“You got to be prepared, right? You might have complications.”

“I’m not going to have any complications!”

Kath headed for the stairs. Sara reached out and grabbed her arm. Something she had never dared to do before. But she couldn’t let it go at this.

“Listen. Listen to me. Who told you to get all this? A doctor?”

“No doctor.”

“You’re not even going to get me a doctor? The Organization can’t spare a doctor!”

“We don’t need a doctor. I’m a nurse, remember? Look, we’ve got everything here. Anesthetics, whatever. Anything you’re going to need. Don’t get all upset about it for chrissake. Midwives deliver babies all the time.”

“Midwives don’t perform surgery, Kath!”

“Well, neither will we. Not unless we have to.”

She looked away, up to the high naked wooden beams of the ceiling.

And in that moment Sara simply didn’t believe her.

She felt herself flush and the contents of her stomach rise.

My god, she thought. I’ve been such a fool. Such a terrible fool. I never saw it.

I never saw it coming.

There weren’t even any stirrups. They’d never even considered normal delivery.

This was what they were planning — had been all along. She was their little experiment. The baby would be the fruit of that experiment.

But Sara was as expendable as one of these throw-away syringes here. In fact she had to be expendable. They couldn’t keep her captive here forever for god’s sake, not even the Organization could isolate her that much. Sooner or later somebody would come around to visit. Sooner or later somebody from the outside was going to know.

Certainty washed over her. Washed her clean.

They were going to kill her.

The birthing was how.

The Organization be damned. It was time to see what she could do about that.

She was well into her seventh month.

It was time to see right now.

Should have locked the damn door, she thought. Fucking stupid not to. It was sloppy.

Stephen would be pissed. But it was Stephen’s fault too.

There was nothing to do but try to repair the damages.

They sat at the dining room table over some hot herbal tea. Grandma’s Tummy Mint. Celestial Seasonings. She supposed it was meant to be nice and reassuring. It wasn’t. Outside the window the day was gray and still and dark. In a couple of weeks kids would be out trick-or-treating. She wondered if any of them would bother to come out this way.

It was Saturday. Around four. Stephen was still working in the garage. She could hear the whine of his circular saw.

She sat and listened and drank her tea and petted the cat curled up in what passed for her lap nowadays.

“Look,” Kath was saying. “In the old days they only used cesarean when the mother was dying. Now the whole thing is to save the mother and the baby. What you do is, you make an incision through the skin and the wall of the abdomen. Most of the time there isn’t even much of a scar. Then you open up the wall of the uterus. The incision can be transverse vertical or low vertical, transverse usually because there’s less bleeding and it heals better. Then you deliver the baby and we suture you up again and that’s that. I mean this is all just in case. Only if there’s a problem. But it’s really very simple. You don’t have to worry, I know what I’m doing. I’ve assisted on hundreds of these.”

And on how many murders? she thought.

And she realized now that she was listening to a very good and convincing liar. There was only that single slip in the attic. Otherwise Kath was practically flawless. Which called into question again all these tales all these months about the Organization.

She decided she was going to proceed as though there were none.

Another weight lifted. It was astonishing. Just like that.

The Organization was suddenly… gone. Frozen out of her. Trapped in the glacier of her resolve.

She was going to live.

Where in the world did I find this calm? she thought.

She was suddenly calm as the cat was.

She decided it was in the knowing that she’d found it. In the certainty. What had trapped her up to now was lack of certainty. Not knowing on a daily — even momentary — basis what they would or wouldn’t do to her. These people if you could even dignify them with the word people had played on that uncertainty like a harp. Headbox or no headbox? Beating or no beating? Upstairs in the light or downstairs in the dark? They’d kept her off balance for months now.

Was this balance? Yes it was.

Balance was knowing and knowing was calm.

Take them one by one, she thought. And no time like the present.

Do I have it in me? Yes I do.

As certainly as I have this little girl inside me.

Greg’s little girl and mine.

It was the first she’d thought of him for ages. That was balance too.

“Kath? Do you think I could have a little more tea?”

She shrugged. “Sure. You know where it is.”

She lifted the cat gently off her lap and put her down on the floor thinking yes I do, I know where everything is, you bitch and walked past Kath to the kitchen and ran water from the sink into the mug and put the mug into the microwave and turned it on and then opened the bottom cabinet door and took out the twelve-inch stainless steel frying pan they hardly ever used, the pan looking new as they day they’d bought it, new as the stainless steel cart upstairs and gripped it in both her hands and walked over to Kath who was hunched over her mug, who had the mug to her lips sipping Tummy Mint tea and brought the pan down as hard as she could on the crown of her head, the pan ringing like a bell, the sound true and pure and brave, Kath’s face driven down into the ceramic mug and the mug to the table, the mug shattering between table, teeth, flesh and bone and flooding the surface with a liquid the color of autumn leaves.

Not a sound out of Kath as she brought the pan up and hit her again, the pan musical once more against the side of her head which suddenly sprouted glistening drops of red forming a rough half-circle across her forehead at the hairline.

She examined the base of the pan. The base was flecked with blood and a stray brown hair or two. Despite the rapid heartbeat she felt steady and powerful.

“You dead yet? Should I hit you again?”

She had the urge to giggle.

No. She’d done it right so far and Kath hadn’t made a sound. Only the pan had made a sound and that one was delightful — the tolling of her freedom-bell. She could still hear Stephen’s saw whining in the garage but he might stop at any time. Don’t push it, she thought. You still have him to deal with.

Or do you?

Car keys, she thought. Fucking car keys. In her purse.

Where the fuck was her purse?

The purse was on the couch in the living room.

The cat peered out at her from the hall as she crossed the living room and put the pan down on the couch and rifled through the purse. She felt the baby kick inside. The baby was urging her on.

Yes! Got ’em!

The keys jingled in her hand. Smaller bells of freedom.

The saw outside stopped.

She picked up the pan. The pain had stained the couch. She hadn’t meant to do that but hadn’t thought of it either. She walked quickly through the living room past Kath at the dining room table to the kitchen and looked out the window to the garage. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t cutting across the lawn and walking toward the house. She couldn’t see him anywhere.

What she could see though was that the keys were useless. Kath’s station wagon was the one sitting there in front of the garage which meant that Stephen’s pickup would be directly in back of it. That meant she needed Stephen’s keys, not Kath’s. Stephen would have them in his pocket. And now she realized that she’d been wrong before, she didn’t know where everything in the house was because she didn’t know where they kept the goddamn spares.

They weren’t in the kitchen. She’d spent a lot of time in there and would’ve noticed them. The bedroom? The end-table drawers in the living room?

The basement?

She wasn’t going into the basement. Not ever again.

Goddammit! There wasn’t time! There just wasn’t time to go through every damn drawer in the house. The sawing had stopped. God only knew what he was doing. He was probably finishing up out there. He could walk in on her at any second.

The pan felt puny in her hand.

She needed more.

She needed to get out of there but first she needed more because she wasn’t going to go strolling out like the first time only to get caught again.

The shotgun, the pistol. Where would they be?

The bedroom. She wasn’t allowed in the bedroom and though the door was never locked she never thought to disobey and go there.

She’d damn well disobey now. She had no idea how to shoot a pistol unless you counted what you saw in the movies and what he’d shown her in the basement and even less idea how to load and fire a shotgun but she was counting on the pistol to be the simpler of the two and that probably it would be the easier of the two to find, that most people would want a pistol in the nightstand drawer by the bed in case of intruders.

She went to the phone on the kitchen wall and punched in 911 and let the receiver dangle. Maybe the police would trace the call here and maybe they wouldn’t but she didn’t have time to talk.

Why hadn’t she done this months ago? 911. Such a simple thing.

Greg. Mom and dad. The Organization.

The fucking Organization!

There isn’t any.

The cat followed her down the hall.

There were two night tables in the bedroom and she didn’t know who slept where or which side would be Stephen’s side so she went to the nearest. In the drawer there were a dirty jumble of pads and pencils, cough drops, matches, an address book, a Vicks inhaler, an open package of Kleenex, a tin of aspirin. No gun. She walked around the bed to the other side and opened the drawer and there it was, the pearl handle and the gleaming polished silver and now at the sight of it she remembered what Stephen had done that day exactly. As though she’d memorized it without knowing, stored it away for just this very moment. Her finger went to the cylinder latch and she checked the chamber. The gun was loaded, not even the first chamber empty. She didn’t have to search for cartridges. She threw the cylinder back into place and threw the safety, left the frying pan where it was on the bed and walked out into the hall.

All you need to do is get his keys, she thought. Put the key in the ignition and drive away. And that’s the end of it. The end of all of this. You have the gun. He can’t stop you. He can’t hurt you at all anymore.

Just get the keys.

But when she got to the living room and turned and saw him coming through the back door, slamming the door, pausing at the landing at the top of the cellar stairs, saw the old claw hammer in his hand, saw him take in the sight of Kath slumped across the table and saw his face darken with that now-familiar blush of rage it was not the keys she wanted, not anymore.

She felt her own face twist tight into a snarl and the sudden wild pounding of her heart and she raised the gun and fired twice, the gun jumping in her hands and woodchips flying off the doorjamb and as he crouched and stepped back toward the door she fired again lower this time, the bullet slamming him back against the door and bright arterial blood spurting off his thigh and he was shouting no no no no which she could barely hear above the high roar in her ears, his face gone sickly, cowardly white as she stepped forward and forward again with the gun held out in front of her and realized she was roaring too, a sound the like of which she’d never heard before twice in his presence she’d made these strange and awful sounds, the first against the X-frame and as she closed in tighter watched him try to make himself small in the corner, shrinking away, down to his goddamn proper size, trying to crouch in the corner — the snake — and she took one more step uil she was sure she’d get it absolutely perfectly right this time, obeying the tidal pull of her own perfect instincts in this single perfect moment and shot him in the chest and shot and shot again.

Watched him slide to the floor.

Watched him smear his filthy death across the walls.

Watched urine soak his pants and puddle up beneath him.

Saw the open mouth and the open eyes and the bright blood flowing. And felt the baby kick.

SIXTEEN

New York City

November 10, 1998

“Greg.”

“Hello, Sara.”

They’d spoken on the phone a few times though she’d yet to see him. It had been much too hard on her to have to see him.

Now it was still hard. But she was glad to.

He looked older somehow but then so did she. The hospital’s bathroom mirror had revealed that very clearly to her this morning. The face that peered back at her was drawn and pale and lines she couldn’t remember seeing only yesterday spiderwebbed her forehead. “Mother? Could you just give us a minute?”

Her mother had stayed at the hospital throughout.

Her father hadn’t.

“Certainly, dear.” She patted Sara’s hand and got up off the chair. “Nice to see you, Greg.”

“Nice to see you too. Mrs. Foster.”

The door closed behind her and then they just stared at each other, smiling.

On the phone there had been too many tears. Too many regrets and apologies. He was staying on with his wife and son. He was committed to them. Of course he was. He blamed himself for not finding her, for giving up hope of ever finding her. He’d tried, god knows. He and her mother had harassed the police for months. Of course he had. He was a good man.

It was good to be able to smile at him now.

“You saw her?”

“She’s beautiful, Sara. She looks just like you. Just like her mom.”

“She really is beautiful, isn’t she.”

“She is.”

She patted the bed. “Come sit. Talk to me.”

He walked over and sat down.

“Are you all right?” she said.

“I’m all right. Question is, are you all right?”

“I’m fine. A little tired. I was only in there a little over two hours. With Daniel it was more like four. I think she wanted out. Hell, I don’t blame her. But what I meant was, are you all right with… all this now?”

“Sure I am.”

“Diane? Alan?”

“Well, like I told you, Alan was pretty upset at first. But it was more knowing about the two of us than about you being pregnant. I think he’s squared away, though. I know Diane is.”

“You sure?”

“She says she wants to meet you. And the baby. How would you feel about that?”

Just how civilized are we going to get? was what he was asking.

“I don’t know, Greg. Give me some time. Let me think about it, okay?”

“Sure. Of course.”

He sat there looking at her a moment and she watched his eyes turn sad and he reached over and took her hand, the eyes saying, is this all right to do? and hers saying yes, it is while they pooled with tears, both of them still smiling and she thought, yes, I still love you too, always will even before he said it.

“I still love you, Sara. Always will.”

“I know.”

He began to cry. She squeezed his hand.

“It wasn’t such a horrible thing we did, was it?”

His voice breaking with sorrow.

“No, Greg, no. What we did was love one another and I don’t think that was horrible at all, do you? Do you really? In your heart? And you’re doing the right thing now. You know you are. Alan needs you. Diane needs you. And we’re okay, you and I. Aren’t we?”

He wiped the tears off his cheek and nodded.

“What about you?”

She laughed. “I think I’m going to be very busy for a while.”

She was going back to teaching when she could. Greg knew that too.

“Yeah. I guess you are. You gonna need any help? Anything I can do, I mean?”

“That’s between you and Diane. But no, not at first, anyway. I’ve got my mother with me and we’ll be fine. Talk it over with Diane if you want to. See how involved you really want to get. Then we’ll talk, you and I. Take your time. We’ll see.”

He nodded again and then he was silent for a while. “I hear she finally died,” he said. “That bitch. Katherine.”

“She never came out of the coma.”

“Saves us a lot of trouble, doesn’t it.”

“Trouble?”

“Court and all.”

“Yes. I guess it does.”

“I just wish I could have…”

“Greg. I’m sorry but I honestly don’t want to talk about it, you know? It’s over for me. It should be over for you too. Am I right?”

“You’re right. I just…”

“Greg.”

He laughed and shook his head.

“You’re right. I’m talking like a fool. I’d probably better go. You need to get some rest.”

He squeezed her hand and leaned over and kissed her gently on the cheek and then stood beside the bed but would not release her yet, did not let go of her hand, seemed to want that one last minute holding her. She realized she wanted it too.

“Have you got a name yet?” he said.

She smiled. “I’m thinking Megan,” she said. “It’s Anglo-Saxon. It means strong.”

SEVENTEEN

Her mother was asleep in the guest room. Her baby whose name was now indeed Megan slept beside her bed in the crib. She lay staring at the ceiling trying not to remember what was impossible not to remember but thankful for the soft warm bed and the quiet apartment and her all old familiar belongings gathered around her, all of it like a comforting womb of its own from which her life could go on and spread itself unconfined, grateful too for this other familiar presence at her feet who had somehow in those months taken the sting from out the whip, the edge off the knife.

The cat sleeping beside her on the bed. The cat who now also had a name.

Ruth. Ruthie. From the Hebrew.

Friend.