Rock the Beat

Chapter 15

It Is What It Is

HOLLY

I prop my leg up on Max’s seat and rest my elbow on my knee as he drives me home. What the hell is happening? Is nothing in my life the way I thought? Jackson is a fucking wacko, Trip isn’t who I thought he was, and does my dad have an incurable disease he’s been hiding from me?

Tears I can no longer fight back burn my eyes and my face crumples as a sob escapes me. This is all too much. I can’t take it. There’s nothing left to do but cry.

“Hey?” Max rubs my back. “You okay?”

I shake my head against my leg. “No.”

The thought of losing everyone I’ve ever cared about in one day hits me hard. Dad is everything to me. The one person I can always count on to be there for me. What am I going to do if what Grace says is true and he’s dying? I can’t lose him. Suddenly there’s no air and I find myself gasping.

“Hold on, Holl,” he says as he pulls the car over. Once we’ve stopped, I hear the seatbelt come loose. Max wraps his arm around me and attempts to tug me into a hug, but I won’t budge. “It’s going to be all right.”

“How do you know?” I cry. “Grace says my dad has HIV and Trip has just been using me. My life is fucked.”

I give in and allow him to pull me against him. “You don’t even know if what Grace said is true. Talk to your dad before you go into hysterics.”

I nod. “You’re right. I need to calm down.”

We’re silent for a moment, but then Max asks, “As far as Trip goes, I’m sure he has his reasons. Can you imagine what it must be like for him—everyone always wanting something from him because of who he is? He’s probably tired of all that. You should be open to what he has to say before you pass judgment, Holl. He’s been nothing but awesome to us…well, except for that first night in the bar. He was a little douchey to you then, but other than that…very cool.”

I pull back and wipe my face with my hand. “You don’t think he’s just using me for sex?”

Max shakes his head. “Jackson was the one that was doing that, not Trip. If he were just using you he wouldn’t have stuck around as long as he has, not to mention kicking Jackson’s ass to help me out. Do you know how big of a risk that was for him to do that for me? He risked being exposed to save me from a beating, and he didn’t even hesitate. If the press gets a hold of what happened it could trash his reputation and get him labeled as a loose cannon. That’s a good man in my book.”

This is true. Jackson would never have stuck his neck out for a friend of mine like Trip did, and we were together for two years. It still doesn’t answer the lingering question in my gut. “But he’s a fucking rock star. What in the hell is he doing wasting his time with me? He can have any woman he wants.”

Max gives me a sad smile and touches the underside of my chin. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, blondie. You’re an incredible person. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and have one hell of a mouth on you. If I were straight, believe me, I’d be chasing you like crazy.”

I laugh. “If you were straight, I doubt you’d be this sweet.”

He chuckles. “You’re right. I’d probably gross you out on a daily basis with my tactics to get into your pants.”

“Eww,” I say and shake my head. “Don’t ever insinuate you want to get into my pants again. It’s creepy.”

“Deal.” He pulls back and smiles. “You ready to go home now?”

I lean my back against the seat. “Yeah. I need to get to the bottom of everything.”

“Things will work out, Holl. Have faith.”

Max hugs me goodbye and wishes me luck as he pulls up next to my house.

I shut the car door behind me and stare up at the house I’ve lived in all my life. The light is on in the living room. Dad is no doubt waiting to hear about the details of what happened down at the police station. He has no idea that the scrap that took place here today won’t be the main topic of our conversation when I come home.

If what Grace says is true, I’m not sure how I’m going to react. The thought of my father not being on this earth anymore is something I can fathom.

I glance around as Max pulls out of the driveway. The Mustang isn’t here, which is a relief. I don’t think I can deal with both issues at once.

I force myself up the steps and onto the porch. The doorknob is smooth in my grasp, but I can’t bring myself to turn it. Fear engulfs every inch of me and I begin to tremble. Turning around and avoiding the entire situation crosses my mind, but I know I can’t let this go forever. It’s not in my nature to move on without resolving an issue.

Before I have the chance to open the door on my own, Dad opens it from the inside. “Holly?” His eyes search the gravel lot behind me. “Honey, why are you just standing out there all alone? Where are Trip and Max?”

“Max gave me a ride home and I’m not sure where Trip is.” I stare over his shoulder into the house, and suddenly the thought of being cornered in there, hearing some possible life-shattering information, seems too much. I gesture to the bench seat on the porch. “Can we sit?”

“Sure.” Dad steps outside, concern written all over his pale face. The shadows created from the porch light make his cheekbones seem even more sunken. My eyes study his unsteady gait as he walks over and takes a seat.

He’s definitely weaker than I’ve ever seen him. I think deep down I stopped believing this was the flu a couple of months ago. No ordinary cold lasts this long. To be honest I was afraid he had cancer. Never in a million years did the idea that he might have a terminal illness that resulted from a sexually transmitted disease. But, I guess most people wouldn’t consider that.

I walk over and take a seat next to him so I can position myself to look directly into his eyes. “I saw Mom down at the station.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Oh? What was she doing down there?”

I take a deep breath. “She was getting booked again, but that’s not what I—”

“Damn it,” Dad mutters. “I told her I was out of money to bail her out. I’m going to have to figure out a way to get her out of there.”

Just like Grace predicted. “Would you listen to yourself? Why can’t you just leave her in there? She’s exactly where she needs to be—a place where she can’t hurt herself or someone else. Grace needs to stay in there and get help.”

Dad shakes his head. “We’ve been over this before, honey. I can’t leave her in there.”

“Why?” I challenge him, wanting him to admit what I already know is likely to be true. “Why is she your responsibility to take care of?”

“Holly…” his voice trails off like he would like nothing better than for me to drop the topic.

“No, Dad. I’m tired of her using you and getting away with it. She’s ruined this track with her constant need for money for her habit and when she gets locked up for them. I want you to stop saving her,” I demand.

“I can’t!” His eyes grow wide like he can’t believe he just yelled at me. “Don’t you see that I can’t?”

Tears burn my eyes and I fear that Grace’s lies maybe the truth. “No. Tell me it’s not true.”

Dad’s blue eyes soften. “Did she tell you?”

My bottom lip trembles and my entire body begins to shakes. “So it’s true. You really have.”

“Yes. I’m HIV positive,” he says and his face twists.

“No.” I shake my head furiously as my body grows numb. “No! Why did you allow her to give this to you? How could she do this?”

I break out into a full sob as I clutch my throat. That selfish bitch. She can rot in that cell for all I care.

Dad grasps my hand in his. “We didn’t know she had it until it was too late. She contracted it after she had an affair when you were just a toddler. We were still together at the time, and she wasn’t aware that she had it. After the doctors told her she was HIV positive, she left us. Your mother has had to live with the fact that she’s given us both a death sentence because of sleeping with someone outside our marriage. The day Grace left, she told me looking at you everyday was more than she could take. She knew you’d lose both your parents because of her stupidity. That’s why she got herself mixed up in drugs. Not that I condone her method of dealing with our reality, but I understand why she does it. The guilt takes a toll.”

Tears stream down my face. This isn’t happening to me. When am I going to wake up from this nightmare?

Dad squeezes my hand. “I know this is all hard for you to understand because you only know her as this low-life drug addict, but she loves you, Holly. She always has. She begged to come back home so many times, but I always refused because she couldn’t give the drugs up.”

“Did she even try,” I whisper.

A solemn expression fills his face. “Many times. Grace was never one with strong enough willpower to resist something she really wants.”

I search his face. “Why didn’t you tell me once I was old enough to understand?”

“I didn’t want you to know about our health condition. I didn’t want you to live in constant fear that we were going to die. It’s tough being a kid. You didn’t need this burden on your shoulders too. I love you, Holly. I’ll always want to protect you.”

I throw my arms around his neck. The bones in his thin shoulder press against my hands. He’s lived with this secret while it’s slowly been killing him before my eyes. I wish he would’ve told me about this, but I’m not sure knowing earlier would’ve made this any easier. All I can do is cherish every single day I have left with him on this earth. “I love you too, Dad.”

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I’m glad you know. It takes a huge weight off my shoulders,” he says as he pulls back and kisses my cheek. Dad’s entire body shivers. “It’s getting chilly. I have to head back inside. Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

I shake my head. “No, thanks. I think I want to sit out here for a while.”

He pats my leg and shoves himself off the bench. “Take your time, honey. I know it’s a lot to take in.”

The moment Dad leaves my sight, and goes back into the house, I bolt from the house. Headlights shine on me as I fly across the parking lot. I run as fast and as hard as my legs will take me. My dad is my entire world right now, and everything about the house, the shop and the track remind me of him. I have to get away. I need to clear my head so I can process all this shit. My brain can’t take much more.

The air whooshes from my lungs as I reach the field on the other side of the track and trip over a rock. The solid ground scrapes my arms and hands as I land hard, face first. That’s when I can no longer hold back my tears. They flow like hot lava down my face and I roll onto my side and allow myself this time to grieve. And it’s not just for my dad being sick, it’s for the loss of my mother and how she’s making me handle this all alone.

A hard sob escapes my lips just as strong hands wrap around my shoulders and lean me up. Trip is sitting on his knees in the dirt with his eyebrows pulled in and a slight frown in his face. The concern in his eyes chokes me up. He’s the last person I expected to try and comfort me. After all, we aren’t exactly on the best of terms right now.

I open my mouth to tell him to go away, but no words come out. Instead I wrap my arms around him and cry into his shoulder. The way he wraps his arms around me, like he’s going to protect me forever makes me cry harder. Now that I know he’s a mega-star, the reality hits me that he’ll be leaving me soon too. I’ll be left here completely alone.

“I’ve got you,” he whispers and folds me in his arms even tighter. “I’ve got you.”

“It’s true. Grace was right.” I cling to him like my life depends on it. “I can’t lose him, Trip. He’s all I’ve got.”

“You’ve got me.” He strokes the back of my head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep,” I say as I close my eyes and burrow myself into the crook of his neck.

Trip pulls back and cradles my face in his hands. “I’ll always be here for you.”

I try to pull away because the intensity in his stare is almost more than I can bear. “Trip…how can that be true? I’m a nobody and you’re some famous rock star. You won’t want to be with me forever.”

“You’re everything to me. Can’t you see that you’re it for me? You’re perfect for me, Holly. I never understood love, not really, not until you. I like myself better when I’m with you. You and me—we’re perfection,” he whispers. “My feelings for you will never change.”

My heart melts at the sound of his words, but the reality of how easily he could change his mind gnaws at the pit of my stomach. “What happens when someone better comes a long?”

His lips pull into a tight line. “There’s no one on this earth that can compare to you. I love you, Holly.”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. The look in his green eyes tells me he means every word of what he’s saying. I can’t deny that I’ve had some pretty strong feelings for him too. How can I not tell him I feel the same way after he’s laid out his feelings so clearly. He deserves my complete honesty after that.

I open my eyes to meet his gaze. “I think I love you too.”

He grins. “Think, huh? That’s a start, I guess. But just so we’re clear, I know that I love you.”

That causes me to smile and it feels good to hear that after so much crying and sadness. “I love you too.”

“That’s much better,” he murmurs against my lips before I fade into his kiss.