Sacred and Profane

23

Decker decided to ride bareback. He threw a woolen blanket over the black stallion and mounted the rippling back. The horse protested by lurching forward and breaking into a gallop around the pen. Decker dug his heels into its haunches; the animal neighed, stopped, and reared. He tightened the reins and pulled backward, but again the horse rebelled, sprinting wildly, racing toward the fences. Decker jerked tightly to the left, forcing the horse to turn to avoid collision. The stallion sprinted, slowed down to a canter, then down to a trot, panting from the sudden burst of activity.

The horse was a beauty, too thickset for show, but light on his feet and full of spirit. Decker loved breaking in the animals, but once they were tame, he felt guilty. Afterwards, they never seemed quite as spunky, always carrying themselves with an air of wounded pride. On a rare occasion a horse would defy his best efforts. He’d curse his failure, but couldn’t help admiring the animal’s tenacity. Way to go, he’d think. Some fires just can’t be put out.

He exercised the horse for an hour, changing directions with a simple pull of the reins, picking up speed with the slightest increase of heel pressure on the hindquarters.

Cut another notch for Cowboy Pete. Why, he’s just a good ole boy, herding them dogies, riding the wilds of Lake Okeechobee, Florida.

Florida cowboys. A proud tradition. His uncle had ranched all his life, took over the place from his grandfather. As a kid, Decker would spend summers on the central plains of the state, hanging out with the ranch hands, laughing at the western hot shots who’d wilt in the humidity of the swamp’s heat.

Them boys never had to deal with ’gators, skeeters, and swamps, the hands would say. They mighten be big men in Texas, but out here, they’s pussies.

Eat shit, Waylon and Willie.

If things didn’t work out with Arlington, he could always go back and ride with Uncle Wilbert, or even go back to Dad and the store.

Uncle Wilbert and Dad. Just your typical down-home millionaires. One day, while herding near Orlando, Uncle Wilbert had discovered Disney scouts sniffing land. Dad had been reluctant at first, but at last agreed to fund Wilbert’s real estate ventures.

Mucho moolah, and in the end, it didn’t make any difference. Dad went back to his hardware store in Gainsville, Uncle Wilbert continued to ride, and all the money was still sitting in the bank collecting interest. No fancy stocks and bonds, just plain old cash clogging up the bank. Millions accumulating for a rainy day.

Lack of sleep was catching up with him. He dismounted and led the horse back into the stable, with Ginger nipping at his heels. He patted the setter’s head and offered both animals water-dog and horse, drinking a toast together. Taking out the combs and brush, he began to methodically groom the horse. An hour later he headed for a hot shower.

He turned the pages and sat upright as he read the climax of the novel. Bam! The cops just blew away the society lady. A righteous shooting but strong stuff for fiction, he thought. The author hadn’t crapped out the ending because the woman was delicate, and he liked that. But he felt sorry for the cops. All the paperwork. Then there’d be the visit from Internal Affairs. And since the family had money, no doubt there was going to be a hell of a lawsuit. The superior breathing down their backs. Not to mention the bad press!

The doorbell rang. Ten pages from the end. He glanced at the clock-11:30. He’d been reading for three hours straight.

Who the hell could that be?

Reluctantly he put the book down and got out of bed. He threw a robe over his nude body and went over to the front door. To his astonishment, it was Rina.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah…Sure.” He stepped out of the way. “Is everything all right?”

“Fine.”

Her eyes ran down his body, arousing and embarrassing him at the same time. She turned away and sat down in a buckskin chair, folding her hands tightly in her lap. Decker took a seat opposite her and waited for her to speak. But she didn’t.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

“You didn’t return my calls. I wanted to come when I was sure to catch you home.”

“I was going to return them-”

“But you never got around to it.”

“I’ve been swamped with work, Rina.”

She said nothing.

“Who’s taking care of the kids?” he asked.

“They’re at my parents for the night.”

Decker ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, let me get dressed-”

“Don’t bother. I’ll make it quick. I’m leaving for New York tomorrow night. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“How long are you going to be gone?”

“I’m moving there.”

Decker’s mouth dropped open.

She shrugged.

“Bye,” she said.

“You’re moving?”

“Yes.”

“Permanently?”

She nodded.

“You’re leaving the yeshiva?”

“It was a womb for me, Peter-nurturant, protective. It served its purpose. Now I have to get on with my life.”

“Just like that? You’re picking up your kids and moving to New York?”

Again she nodded.

Decker was dumbfounded.

“What do the boys think about it?” he managed to choke out.

“They’re very excited.”

“What are you going to do there?” Decker got up and began to pace. His heart clopped against his chest and his head began to throb. “I mean have you thought about what the hell you’re going to do there?”

“My husband’s parents have found me an apartment very close to them,” she answered calmly. “I’ve always gotten along very well with my in-laws. Much, much better than with my own parents. They’re delighted to have me come out, and especially happy to get a chance to really know their grandchildren. I’m also very close to one of Yitzchak’s sisters. She’s found me a job.”

Decker began to panic.

“What kind of a job?” he asked.

“A bookkeeper in her husband’s factory.”

“What kind of factory?” he asked. As if he gave a shit!

“He’s a wholesale furrier. He makes furs for the major department stores.”

“What do you know about bookkeeping?” he said, challenging her. Why am I asking her stupid questions?

“I’m a math teacher, remember?”

“That’s not the same as bookkeeping!” How can she be so fucking clam!

“I’m sure I can figure it out,” she said. “Peter, there is nothing here for me anymore. My house is a nightmare of lost love and what should have been. If I stay in this town any longer, I’ll rot.”

He walked over to the living room window and peered into the darkness outside.

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” she asked, joining him at the window. “Freedom?”

“I never said I wanted to…” He was flustered. “I just wanted a little elbow room, damn it! The yeshiva is so goddam stultifying. I had no idea you were going to pick up and leave me.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“What do you call this?”

“I’m giving you the distance you wanted. That is what you wanted, wasn’t it? Distance. A breather from each other, as you called it.”

He shook his head no.

“Then what do you want?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered to himself.

“What?”

“I don’t know,” he yelled. He ran his hands over his face. “God, I don’t believe this. How could you just leave me like this! Is that the extent of your feelings for me?”

“What do you want out of me?”

“I want you to fight for us, damn it. Not just…give up and move away.”

“It would have helped if you’d returned my phone calls.”

He looked at her. “You’re doing this out of spite, aren’t you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re pissed off at me for not being what you wanted me to be. So instead of being honest and admitting it, you’re gonna bust my balls by leaving me. Congratulations, Rina. They’re busted.”

Encircling him from behind, she slipped her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his back.

“I’m not punishing you, Peter. Neither one of us can help what we believe. I’m just trying to rectify a bad situation. I figure if we’re apart, maybe we can think better.”

Her voice had started to waver from its cool, collected tone. She moved her hand upward and tucked it under his open robe. He felt her playing with his nipple, brushing it lightly with her fingertips. Immediately, he found himself growing erect and not wanting to be. He pushed her hand away.

“Don’t do that.”

“I want to sleep with you tonight,” she blurted out.

He turned to her and laughed bitterly. “Really now? Is this the final fuck before the dramatic exit?”

He couldn’t have slapped her harder had he done it with his hand. She recoiled and turned to leave. He grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry.”

She jerked around, trying to hide her tear-stained face from him. He gathered her into his arms and hugged her tightly as she squirmed to break free of his grip. “I’m really sorry, Rina. I know what that admission means to you. It just took me by surprise, that’s all.”

Relaxing in his hold, she sobbed in his arms. When she calmed down, she said, “You’re partially right.”

Decker waited for her to go on.

“I am a little angry with you.”

“A little?”

“A lot.” She wiped her eyes. “So maybe there’s a little bit of I’ll-show-you in my decision. But most…most of it was made after honestly considering the alternatives. Peter, what do you want from me? Do you want me to stay here and watch you take out other women knowing what you’re going to do with them?”

“I guess it would be hard on you to see that,” he said.

“Yes.”

He smiled and said, “I could be discreet.”

She socked him.

He cleared his throat. “If you were to make good on your…suggestion, shall we say, there’d be no reason for me to date other women, would there be?”

“I am not going to stick around here and have a sexual, unmarried relationship with you.”

“How about a sexual, married relationship?”

“Have you changed your feelings toward religion?”

“Not really.”

“Then we’ve had this discussion before.”

“Yes, we have.” He suddenly became choked with emotion. “Rina, please don’t leave me.”

“I’m only leaving you physically, Peter,” she said. “I’m not leaving to find someone else. I’m utterly in love with you and nothing is going to change that. If you turn religious, I’ll be waiting. If you don’t, so be it. It’s my problem, not yours. That’s how I can rationalize…sleeping with you. I’ve been thinking of it for a long time.”

“You have?”

She nodded.

“You know it would have helped me along if you would have mentioned that there was a possibility.”

She reddened like a boiled lobster.

“It wasn’t something I was comfortable talking to you about. I was afraid that if you knew I was wavering, that would be it. I’d give in.”

“Would that have been so terrible?”

“Of course not! Emotionally, it would have been wonderful, but morally…Peter, premarital sex isn’t that big a deal in Judaism, but it’s something that religious women just don’t do.”

“So why now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m leaving, but I think it’s because I’ve finally decided that you’re the only man in my life, period. If we do get married, you’ll be my husband anyway. If we don’t, I’m still not going to marry someone else, so it’s not like I’m being unfaithful to a future husband. Besides, I’m sick of postponing gratification indefinitely. I’m sick of being righteous all the time.”

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” he said softly. “Believe it or not, I had this idealized image in my mind of what it was going to be like, and it wasn’t under this set of circumstances. Love you and poof, you’re gone.”

“I have to go. We both need time to ourselves.”

He cupped her chin. “If you need time away from me, then go. But don’t think you’ll escape my clutches. If you settle in New York, I’ll follow you. If you move to Israel, I’ll follow you there. We’re basheert.”

“I know that.”

“Good,” he said, kissing her forehead. “You’re all packed up?”

“The van left the yeshiva this morning.” Her eyes swelled with tears. “Amazing how little time it took them to pack everything.”

“You’ve left your imprint, my dear. Believe me.” He gently eased the kerchief from her head and a wave of jet black hair rolled down her back. “Do your parents know you’re here?”

“Yes.”

Decker raised his brows. “What did they say?”

“They were stunned. They didn’t say anything. We left it at that.”

“You’re taking the red-eye out tomorrow night?”

She nodded.

“I’ll drive you to the air-.”

“No,” she interrupted. “My parents will drive me…I don’t do well with airport good-byes, Peter. I’d rather you didn’t drive me.”

“Okay.”

“So I guess this is it.”

There was an awkward silence. She smiled. He smiled.

“I’m very nervous,” she said.

“So am I.”

“Don’t expect too much. It’s been almost three years-”

“The mechanics haven’t changed, Rina.”

“Well, that’s comforting.”

He burst into laughter, scooped her into his arms, and carried her into the bedroom, kicking shut the door behind him.